“The official greeting of the river!?”
The tall tan coated stallion looked at them like they were crazy ones. “Yes for I Hammerhead Typhoon will be escorting you unworthy wretches down my wonderful body of water.”
“Um...that wasn’t the question we asked...”
Spike turned to Pipsqueak and half whispered to him, well not so much whispered as he lost his cool and shouted into his ear. “Why in the name of everything holy did you hire the spear throwing nautical nut?!”
“Don’t let his looks and actions fool you, there is no better guide than Hammer.”
Of course it didn’t help Pip’s case when their guide began swimming laps around the boat as called it “making love to the water” as a a good luck ritual.
All Spike could think about was how he could afford a much better boat and guide than the crazy stallion Pip hired.
Once their captain was done with his tradition they were officially off on their three day trip down the mighty Capricorn river.
As Hammerhead proceeded to show Pip around his pride and joy Spike tried his best not to trip over the random items and bits of junk leading the drake to find sanctuary at the ship’s edge. “No better than Hammer he says.” Deciding for himself that the oversized piece of driftwood was probably going to sink before they managed to see the sun set, Spike groaned and looked over the boat’s edge.
Surprising enough something seemed to be looking right back up at the drake. Just beneath the river’s surface a shadow seemed to float alongside the river craft at a lazy pace, a red glowing orb in it’s middles disappeared and reappeared like the blinking of an eye.
Now Spike was typically one to leave things be, due in part to the fact that he preferred he receive the exact same treatment from others. But faced with the sad truth that his perilous journey was starting with a less than desirable mode of transportation as well as it being steered by a stallion that seemed to have more bilge water in his head than others would deem safe. It could be seen as understandable that the drake was somewhat irritable.
“What’re you looking at?” Picking up an large splinter that had been previously menacing the drake with it’s silent promises of a deep uncomfortable impalement, Spike on a whim chucked it at the shadow. A small splash rang out as whatever the shadow had been thrashed slightly before speeding off deeper into the river.
“Oy drake!” Spike whipped his head around to catch sight of a curious Pip, and an annoyed looking Hammerhead Typhoon. Shaking his grizzled head at Spike’s actions the captain walked toward the edge and looked down at the water below. “It ain’t a good idea to go botherin the fishies round here. The sea can be a real bitch when she wants ta.” Failing to see whatever Spike had spooked off Hammerhead turned back to Pip before explaining to the duo what chores he’d be expecting from the two if they wanted to get anywhere before sunset.
Later on as the sun began to set the trio sat down to grab some dinner in the galley, which was provided by their river guide.
“What’s this? It’s fantastic!”
“Old family recipe.” As soon as those words left Hammerhead’s mouth an eyeball floated to the surface of the stew causing Spike to turn positively green ...well more so than usual. “And look there’s some of the old family, HA HA!!!”
The stallion flicked the eye out of the pot, get it roll along his shoulders and plopped it back into the empty socket behind his eyepatch. “I was wonderin’ where that blasted glass eye of mine went.”
“Yeah… I’m gonna go see if I can’t rustle me up some coal from the boiler room to eat.”
Hammerhead just shook his head. “City folk. Oh well, more for us, laddie.”
Though no less disgusted than his scaled friend Pip continued to consume a healthy amount of the questionable stew. The sun was now hidden away behind them, and the moon sat high above the river as if lighting it’s way while it continued its journey. As no stranger to adventure Pip figured he’d get a better nights sleep if his stomach was full.
After everyone on board had eaten enough (whether it be hodgepodge soup or a mouthful of coal) the crew of three all began to settle down for the night. Even the captain’s oddball antics finally slowed to a stop once his good eye began to feel droopy. “Alright you landlubers, can’t do any decent sailing in the day if we’re tripping over ourselves throughout the night, that and sailing at night does things to your mind.”
The Pinto and the drake watched as their river guide adopted a glazed over expression as he stared into space.
After a few minutes Spike reached out to poke the still comatose stallion.
“Spike don’t!” Pip tried to warn his companion, but it was too late because with a simple nudge the sea pony woke up violently and attacked the dragon in front of him.
“Thought you could sneak up on us at night, did you, you sum bitch?!”
“Urgh, Pip?”
“I tried to warn you, Hammer has PTSD.”
‘Herk… great, what else? Is this ship is full of scale eating parasites, sea slug chewing meth addicts, it wouldn’t surprise me.’ Spike thought as the captain of their ship was having his Llamatopian war flashbacks all directed in the form of aggression on the dragon.
Luckily, Spike managed to get away from the stallion. “For the love of my mother do something Pip.” He called out to the pony.
“Where did you go, you scaly little bastard? When I get my hooves on ya I’m gonna string up you and all yur llama comrades. Then I’m gonna win this wa--” Hammerhead’s rant was interrupted by a lukewarm cauldron of stew landing square on his head. “...Mmm, is that cilantro?”
The eleven secret herbs and spices from his dinner concoction woke him up from his war memory fueled murder rampage. “Boys, what’s all this about and why am I holding a knife?”
“You had one of your episodes.”
“Oh...”
“Hey, Spike you can stop hiding behind those barrels now.”
All the dragon could do was grumble about how when they make their return trip, that he’s not traveling in anything less than first class.
Later that night, the boat was securely anchored just off shore and its passengers had turned in for the night.
“...Hey...Pip.” From the confines of his sleeping bag Spike hissed toward the form to his right, an even sharper edge to the tense tone he’d been keeping up since first stepping on the pile of driftwood their guide called a ship.
“...Whuua...lemme aloon.”
Hearing the sounds slightly increase in frequency prompted the now slightly terrified drake to try again. “Pip! Wake up!” An annoyed yawn quickly followed Spike’s request, as well as the sound of Pip sitting up in his sleeping bag.
“Spike I don’t care if you’re seasick, or the damn room smells like a minotaur’s jock-strap will you please stuff it so I can get some sleep?” The annoyed leer that Pip had planned to fix on his draconian companion was stifled by the sight of Spike frantically pointing a claw toward the other side of the room. Pip’s eyes crept past the ends of their sleeping bags, down the numerous wood rotten splinter infested boards, and came to an ominous stop at the window that peeked out onto the ship’s deck. The star filled night sky, and the silvery symbol that always reminded the stallion of his beloved princess was currently being blocked by what appeared to be eyeless snakes performing show tunes. Oh, wait scratch that, once Pip’s eyes fully focused he felt somewhat silly for mistaking what was obviously a few dozen tentacles moving toward him and Spike enthusiastically.
“...That can’t be good.”
“Do you hear that Pip?” A deep chanting began to grow in volume outside of the window, and beyond the tentacle puppet show, eerie red orbs began to come into view and approach the window.
“ghbbhteh...urgaabtwe..ghbbhteh...urgaabtwe!”
Both Spike and Pip visibly shivered in their sleeping bags as the garbled words chilled them to their very souls, whilst promising a very uncomfortable night for all involved. “Maybe if we just stay quiet they’ll go away.”
“Ibgweluurbbt!” The sickening sound of wood being ripped asunder and the smell of fish guts would serve as an adequate hint that their cabin door had most certainly been done away with.
“SPIKE!”
“PIP!”
“cthgaurtlgebs btairpkvlhety!”
“Off my ship you filthy bilge rat bucking pieces of flotsam!” Just as a few slime covered limbs had just started to tickle our duo’s feet a harpoon flew between Spike and Pip’s heads to hit dead center in the the red pupil that had been staring outside the door.
“Suhwuot uipg afnrdw jqaiml!”
Copious amounts of sickly green fluid immediately gushed out as the inflicted eldritch let loose a blood-curdling wail. *SCREEEEeee!* Roaring out a shout of challenge as he barreled past the still awestruck duo Hammerhead crashed into the retreating creature another harpoon gripped tightly between his teeth, and a half dozen more secured to his back by a makeshift sac.
“It’s a shame I gotta paint the deck with your inside parts you miserable excuses for fish bait, I just scrubbed the deck this morning!” Jabbing the still screeching monster once more in what remained of it’s pupil whilst taking the time to twist the jagged weapon savagely Hammerhead fixed a crazed eye about his deck. Even with his vision reddening from the early stages of battle lust, the salty sea dog could make out nearly a dozen more of the creatures moving around his boat. “Well shave me ass, and call me a walrus!”
Back within the remains of the cabin Spike and Pip shared matching wide-eyed expressions as they watched the captain gallop about the deck hurling harpoons into anything that dared to stay still for longer than a second, and jabbing the blood covered weapons into anything attached to a slimy tentacle.
Taking a moment to rip his eyes away from the waterlogged carnage outside Pip chanced a glance toward his scaled companion. “...And you doubted me for picking this guy.”
Spike’s only reply came in the form of raising both of his open hands by his sides and shrugging while keeping a flabbergasted expression. “Well how was I supposed to know that funny smelling, and borderline loony-bin material equaled Cthulhu bane in a fight?” Before he could further explain himself the haunting sound of singing began to take the place of Hammerhead’s strings of curses and shouts.
“Tonight..I’m gonna have myself...a real good time.”
Pip and Spike both offered a dubious glance toward the deck turned battlefield, before glancing back to one another and speaking at the same time. “He’s not really gonna…”
“I feel alive and the world is turning inside out yeah!” Rolling underneath a swiping tentacle that was meant to take his head right off, Hammerhead sprung forward and pinned an unprepared attacker to the deck with a harpoon. “I’m floating around in ecstasy.” Pausing a moment to brandish another harpoon and grin devilishly into the the eye of his screeching captive, Hammerhead let out a growl “I’m gonna fuck your mother and dive into her clam...not necessarily in that order.”
Though to this day we may never know whether the monster could understand equestrian speech, but our records (Hammerhead’s own words) describe to us that the cheap excuse for a sea monster did let out a highly offended squeal before it was sent on a one way trip to Davy Jones locker. Either way it’s incredibly likely that the mad captain surely didn’t care, or stop singing for that matter.
“So don’t stop me now!”
So caught up in spectating their captains musical antics the dragon, and pinto were much too busy singing along to realize that they had certainly not been forgotten. “Don’t stop me now.”
And that’s when two things occurred. The first was the ship suddenly beginning to rock drunkenly due to another wave of the sea horrors surrounding, and attempting to board the corpse covered ship. The second was Pip letting out a surprised "The hell?!" as something began to tickle his right side.
“H-hey Spike I know things are looking grim, but I’m really not into that whole ‘die a lover rather than a fighter’ shtick.”
Spike whose face immediately tinted a grossed out green whipped his head around to remind his friend that out of the two of them he was the happily married one when his slitted pupils noticed more than an off-put stallion. “Hate to ruin your dreams Pip, but I think we got company.”
A half dozen tentacles quickly snatched up our heroes before Pip could so much as shout out “Holy Hentai!” With his hooves ensnared, and his mind realizing that the ‘tickling sensation’ he had felt early was just one of the monsters building up the courage to ruin sea adventuring for the stallion permanently Pip cast a near terrified glare to his equally entangled companion.
“H-Hey! Now would be a great time for some dragon muscle!”
Growling as he attempted to pull his limbs free Spike raised a scaled eyebrow toward Pip. “Kinda captured here as if you didn’t know. What do you want?”
“You’re a dragon, do something!”
At that Spike’s strained expression turned slightly hesitant. “Oh yea...um..the thing is..”
The young stallion sighed heavily. “Oh, for the love of Luna!” Pip jerked forward with all his strength, head butting Spike right below the Adam's apple and luckily right in the flame glands causing a torrent of emerald molten hot bile to spew from Spike’s surprised jaws and right through the tentacles of the hungry creature holding the drake. As it screeched in pain the monstrosity recoiled suddenly and began to violently flail it’s would be meal about. Despite the dizzying experience he was being put through Spike quickly recovered and with a swipe of his claws the drake freed himself of the monster’s grasp.
“Hey, you’re welcome!” Still strung up like a school mare with brightly colored hair, Pip yanked his head in the direction of the monster that seemed happy enough just to prolong his mental torment.
Rolling his eyes Spike did a quick inhale before he breathed out a line of bright green flame into the eldritch’s face (if you could call such a mismatch of features a face) prompting it to squeal loudly, and drop Pip none too gently onto the floor. “....Thanks.”
Meanwhile on the deck Hammerhead had just reached the highpoint of his song as well as the brain of another slime covered varmint with one of his harpoons “...that’s why they call me mister Fahrenheit, I’m traveling at the speed of light.” Though his ferocity, and sea legs had certainly given the grizzled stallion the edge there was fast becoming to many bodies to maim, and too much squishy parts to skewer alone. The weapon clenched within his mouth was yanked away by an unseen foe to his left, and before Hammerhead could reach for another a tentacle had grasped onto his left fore-leg.
Kicking about as best as he could Hammerhead managed to wrestle the attached tentacle back to it’s owner, where still mid verse the stallion bit into the creatures side flooding his singing mouth with sewage tasting blood. “I wanna make a supersonic woman out of you!” Though the bite caused the creature to release him the captain scarcely had time to collect himself before he was completely surrounded. “Don’t stop me. Don’t stop me. Don’t stop me.”
“Hey. Hey. HEY!” A second voice accompanied Hammerhead’s a the about the same time that the monster to the captain’s right suddenly grew a blood covered spear point from out of it’s middle. With a mighty shove, Pip dislodged the spasming foe from his newly acquired weapon, and quickly jumped over the creature to stand back to back with Hammerhead.
“Don’t stop me. Don’t stop me. Don’t stop me.” Now with another harpoon clenched between his teeth, Hammerhead gave the pinto an approving nod before the charging monster in front of him was suddenly set alight by a cone of green fire.
“Ooh ooh ooh!” Careful to dodge around the sea spawn that he had set fire to, Spike joined Pip, and the captain the entire time his tail tapping against the deck rhythmically.
Smelling the odor of burning squid bait seemed to give Hammerhead his second wind as he charged forward while shouting “I like it!”
Nodding to each other, Spike and Pip were quick to charge right behind the obviously mad as a hatter stallion into the now cowering group of monsters. A few more minutes of show-tunes, and introducing one-eyed horrors to their makers later and finally the deck was clear of attackers, though there was plenty of now dead losers that set straight to work on coating the area with a foul smell.
“You two clean up this mess, I gotta special project to do before we continue along our way.” With those words he threw a mop and bucket at the dragon and pony before ducking into his cabin only to emerge a few minutes later brandishing not a weapon but a bottle of red wine, a box of chocolates and some roses.
“Err...Captain?”
Hammerhead’s only response was a curt nod of his head before he jumped off the deck and into the moonlit waters below.
Two hours passed as their captain still hadn’t come back up from the river. In that time Spike and Pip were playing with the notion of continuing their journey on their own. Well, they would have, had it not been for a certain nautical nut returning to his vessel. Only this time he was covered in what appeared to be a mixture of slime and lipstick marks.
“I wasn’t lyin’ about what I said about rogering the monster’s mum. Might, have to call her again sometime, maybe.”
They two of them were utterly dumbfounded by the entire situation.
Hammerhead slowly clapped his hooves bring the dragon and pony out of their stupor. "Great job on the deck boys, now if you can excuse I gotta wash off sea monster poon and shame smell off me."
As they watched the proud looking stallion strut back to his cabin Spike and Pip shared a look before shaking their heads in unison. The pinto shrugged slightly as he let out a long sigh “Well at least we’re still alive...and mostly intact.”
“I fear that we’ll come out of all of this nearly as loony as the good captain.” Deflating a bit at the thought of returning to his lovely wife with a messy beard, and a unhinged viewpoint on life Spike swore to himself to never leave the comfort of land ever again when he returned.
“You say loony I say bursting at the seams with character laddie!” Poking his head from out of his cabin’s doorway Hammerhead shot a large grin toward the tired duo.
And with that, our weary travelers set off down the river in the setting sun and if their first day were anything to go by then they would need some kind of miracle to make it through their journey.