I couldn't sleep. No matter how much I toss and turn in my bed I just couldn't sleep. The only thing on my mind is the constant replay of everything that had happened yesterday. It just wouldn't stop. The talks I had with my friends, the worry I had. The pain I felt, the hate that built. I hate her. That was as much as I could muster right now. Everything had finally fallen into place and now I understood it all.
Why do I feel so terrible right now though? I was in the right, I had no reason to feel bad. It should be Rainbow that feels bad, not me! So why is it that I can't sleep? Why is it that I can't stop the thoughts of her. That look she gave me... Oh god that look. Why does it freeze my heart just from the thought alone. Why do I care? It’s so hard to keep my emotions in check as the day keeps flashing into my mind.
I can't sleep and honestly I don't want to sleep. I-I gotta get some fresh air or something. I feel like I’m about ready to explode if I don't get out of this room. I quickly get up and dressed for the weather. It was still pouring rain outside so I make sure to gear up and give myself a few seconds to prepare. Maybe the cold air would settle my thoughts. Rain has always been a saving grace for me at times.
I walk out the door and start down the path that lead to the lake I visited often. The entire way was muddy roads and more puddles than you could possibly imagine. When pegasi schedule a storm, they really pull out all the stops. I could feel the rain and wind batter against my body as I walk along the path in silence. The only company was the rushing wind that pushed me in all directions.
Even as I try to calm my mind I still find it racing back to everything that happened. Something just didn't feel right. I don't know what it was but something deep down was screaming at me. Everything made sense and yet I have never felt so confused in my life either. As I finally make it to the lake I can't help but stand under the lone tree that overlooked the small patch of water on the land.
This place was where Rainbow and I agreed we would share everything. A bond that was something in the making, something really special. Something I truly loved and appreciate even to this day. My mind flashes memories of times I have spent with her here.
“Hey Rainbow you want to swim?” I ask as I start to take off my clothes.
“Nah, I’m more of an air kinda pony.” She says laying on a beach chair.
She pulls out a reflector of some kind for what I can only assume is to sunbathe better. I wonder why? I mean do ponies get tan? Could her coat start getting darker blue? I shake those trivial thoughts away.
“Come on, It’s hot and we should have fun!” I say now in my underwear.
“I’m totally beat from cloud duty today.” She says with a yawn. “Go on and swim without me.”
“Just a few laps?” I urge. It’s always more fun to swim with others.
“I’m good.” She says dismissively.
Well this was boring. I thought we were suppose to hang out? Now she just wants to sleep while I swim? She does that all the time! The sleeping part of course not the watching me swim thing. Anyways, I wasn't going to just swim here while she just lays about like a sack of potatoes. I get an evil idea as I slowly approached her. She was not even paying close enough attention at the moment.
As soon as I get close enough do I wrap my arm around her. She lets out a yelp of surprise as I toss her into the water. I don't wait for her to surface as I jump in after her. When I come up I see Rainbow paddling like a dog frantically. I would’ve been laughing my ass off if it wasn't for the fact she was panicking.
“Rainbow.” I swim close to her as she tries to flap her wings but they were too drenched to catch wind. “Rainbow!” I yell to catch her attention.
She immediately locks eyes with me and wraps her hooves around my neck. I was caught off guard as she holds onto me tightly and start to shiver some. I wasn't sure what was going on until I could hear the sounds of quiet sobbing. I immediately wrap my hands around her trying to comfort her.
“Holy shit... Rainbow I’m sorry for scaring you.” She wouldn't stop crying softly as I held her. “Rainbow what’s wrong?” I ask having never seen her like this before.
I can hear her sniffling. “I-I can't swim.”
I felt my heart sink as that left her mouth. I couldn't believe what I had just heard. Rainbow couldn't swim? I thought all ponies knew how to swim. Then my actions came flashing back. She didn't know how to swim and I threw her into the lake. I feel my grip tighten as I realise what I had just put her through. She was scared out of her mind and probably thought she was going to drown. I did that to her.
I could feel some bile start to well up but I push it down.
“Rainbow I’m so sorry.” I say as I hold her closer. “I’m so, so sorry.”
I slowly pull back from her so I could face her. Her eyes were turning a slight pinkish color. I could still see she was afraid but also looked calmer as well. My bro needed my help and I wasn't going to let her down after what just happened.
“Rainbow, do you trust me?” I ask.
She looks to me and then to the lake. I get what she was trying to imply.
“I didn't know Rainbow. Just... Do you trust me?”
“I guess.” She looks to me unsure why I was asking..
I look to her then to the water. “Rainbow, I think it’s about time you learned how to swim.”
I could feel her death grip on me. “Anon, seriously, it’s fine.”
“Do you trust me?” I ask again but in a softer tone.
I can see the hesitation clear on her face but she gives me a nod. I smile at her as I gently push her body away from mine. I can see the fear building fast in her eyes.
“Calm down Rainbow. Just keep your hooves in my hands and I won't let anything bad happen to you.” I coo gently.
Slowly we part our bodies until I was holding the ends of her hooves in my hands. She looked unsure but was staying calm.
“What now?” She asked.
“Try kicking you hooves more.” I say looking through the crystal clear water. I can see her kicking more from her ankles. “Use your whole leg.” I instruct.
As she does so I can see she is holding her head above the water more so than before. I slowly loosen my grip on her hooves. I can see she wanted to reach out for me but I just smile at her.
“Easy now Rainbow. Long strokes, breath easy, don't panic.” I talk calm. “Just watch me.” I say as I show her how I was using my arms to maintain my level in the water.
I can slowly start to see her getting the hang of it.
“I-I’m doing it!” She says excitedly.
“You’re a natural Rainbow.” I cheer her on as she slowly tries to move around some.
“This is awesome!” She says happily.
“Maybe if you get good enough we can race sometime? Who am I kidding. You probably would never get good enough.” I taunt.
I see her face shift to one of determination and a bit of joy.
“Oh yeah?! Well we’ll see about that!” She says now trying to move faster in the water.
I roll my eyes. “Rainbow, watch how a pro does it.”
That memory slowly faded as did the smile that was on my lips. Ever since that day Rainbow and I would head over to this lake to get some swimming practice in. She really was a natural and enjoyed it a lot. Later that day we had talked about how she never learned how to swim. It made sense now. What was the point of swimming to a pegasus? They could fly so most of them never took the time to learn.
I feel some guilt start to rise inside of me. The day flashing back to memory like a heart attack. I know that I have all rights to be mad at her. I know what I hear from Rarity. I know what it all meant. Why do I feel so bad!? Something was happening though. I could feel another memory coming. This one was odd though. It was fuzzy.
Rainbow and I had a pretty nice dinner after we had that embarrassing moment. I was glad that we both Pinkie promised to never speak of it again to be honest. The whole Rainbow being gay thing doesn't bother me one bit. That is Rainbow and I love everything about her. She is now my bro and that was fine by me.
“So when you were like. ‘Wanna go out?’. I was like. ‘Whoa! Didn't see that coming!’.” She say breaking out into laughter. “O-Oh and the kiss! Oh man I bet a foal could kiss better than you!”
Even though we both agreed to never speak of it again. That rule didn't really apply to each other. So she felt it was necessary to keep bring up that moment.
“Alright I get it!” I say with mock anger. “As for the kiss. Maybe you can give me some pointers?” I waggle my brows at her.
She blows a raspberry at me. “You wish buddy.”
“Who said bro’s can't have make out parties?” I say innocently.
She places another bottle of beer on the table for me.
She rolls her eyes. “Yeah, yeah. Anyways, It’s still funny.” She takes a swig from her drink.
I take mine and knock the whole thing back in one go. Rainbow passes me another.
“While we’re still in the ‘awkward zone’. Do you mind answering some questions?” I ask feeling I have nothing to lose.
She shrugs. “Sure, hit me with what ya got.”
“If I was a female, would you’ve said yes?” I ask.
She was in mid drink as she does a classic spit take. She looks off in thought.
“...I don't know. Don't tell anyone I said this?” I nod. “You’re a really sweet guy Anon. I know it hasn't happened yet but I know that mares will come calling soon. Most stallions aren't anything like you and that’s a good thing. Mostly they just care about trivial things. You though, you are really nice. I can't explain it that well. I was never one with words”
I let out a sigh as I take a smaller drag from my beer. I start to feel those lonely feelings start to bubble up to the surface. “Who am I kidding. Who could ever love me? I’m just that weird monkey alien...” I put my beer on the counter as I rub my face. “Maybe I should just swear off the idea.”
“Come on don't be like that! In Equestria love works in funny ways.”
I roll my eyes. “You should’ve been a poet Rainbow.” I say sarcastically.
She punches my shoulder. “Hey, if no mare will take you then I will. Alright?”
I look to her confused. “What that hell does that even mean?”
“Just saying. If mares can't see you for the awesome guy you are. Well, screw them. I’ll always be there for you Anon. You and me. I know the physical side is one sided.” She waggles her brows at me as she caresses her flank. “But that doesn't mean I don't love ya.” She then looks at her beer. “Ugh, I think I had too much. I’m getting too sappy right now.”
Honestly I was really touched by what she said.
“Do you really mean that Rainbow?”
She chuckles some as she smirks at me. “Yeah, for you Anon. I mean it.” She then reaches over to grab something. Once she grabs whatever it is she drops a large bottle of what I think is Applejack Daniels onto the table. “Now lets get smashed and forget this sappy moment.”
I couldn't help but feel myself smile as she poured us a few shots.
I feel as if my breathing has stopped. I can't help but feel the massive pain in my chest as that memory played over in my mind. Rainbow had actually made that promise to me. She was there too, she was always there for me. I feel my mind pull back as I think over the past few days we have spent together. How she protected me in Cloudsdale. How she looked at me after having given her that gift.
The gift... I felt a lead weight fall into my stomach. The gift... That fucking gift! My mind flashed the days over and over. Every look she gave, every moment we shared. It all came flooding back. The kiss she gave me, the way she acted around me at the wonderbolts stadium. The way she avoided eye contact with me. All those times she bumped into me, nuzzled me, laid on me. Everything, Everything was now coming together!
The gift, the looks, her hesitation. I can't believe it... I can't help but replay a certain memory.
But that doesn't mean I don't love ya.
It hit home and it hit hard. Could this really be it? The stallion, he was me! She actually was truly in love with me! It all didn't make sense. Was this something that just happened? Why now of all times? She knows I’m with Pinkie and I was beyond happy with her. So why now? Then another thing hit me. Yesterday. Oh god... The things I said... The look... I really fucked up... I really really fucked up!
I feel my heart take on a pain that I thought not even possible as I relive the nightmare in a new light. Was she trying to tell me that she loved me? The look she gave me was so soul shattering. We have always been there for each other. When everyone turned away from me, she was there. When she needed a pick me up, I was there.
That bond we created. The closeness we had. It all made sense now. It was a promise that we made to each other on that fateful day. She would love me and I would love her. It wasn't complicated, it was just love and love works in funny ways. Now though. Now something deeper was happening. Something that she felt necessary to keep secret from me.
I don't know if I can explain what the hell I was thinking today to her perfectly but I had to try. I needed to make this right. Not for me but for someo-... For somepony that has always been by my side. I may not be 100% clear on what she may be thinking but I needed to be there for her like all the times she was there for me. I quickly look to the slowly approaching dawn. It was a new day, just what I needed to make things right. Just hang on Rainbow. I know I fucked up but I can make it right!