//------------------------------// // Daddy's Little Girl // Story: Born in Equestria // by Winston //------------------------------// Born in Equestria 6. Daddy's Little Girl All around Rainbow Dash, there was breathtaking architecture in spotless gleaming white shining in the sunlight under a brilliant blue expanse of endless sky. There was no place more physically beautiful anywhere in the world to her. Cloudsdale was her native city, and all of her earliest memories were here. If there was anyplace left that could be something like coming home, this should have been it. She hoped this would be it... That she would finally find something here. She stood in the central square of Cirrus Park, the first place she'd wandered to after flying from Ponyville and arriving in the city that morning. It wasn't far from her old neighborhood where her dad's house was. She used to play here when she was a little filly. The area was nice. It hadn't changed even a little bit since her childhood. Everything was comfortingly familiar and... Safe. Maybe she valued that the most of all right now, just feeling safe. There was still the same fountain in the middle, bubbling with the constant flow of water that spilled into a round cloudstone basin. It was a pleasant, calming sound. Numerous glints of gold reflections shone out through the water, sunlight flashing off the coins that ponies tossed into the fountain for good luck. Normally, Rainbow Dash wouldn't have thrown anything in herself. She didn't believe in tossing out a perfectly good bit that way, with no reason to think it would accomplish anything. It was unsuperstitious, such a rational stance to take. Twilight would be... Proud? Would she? Of what Rainbow Dash was now? She wondered about that. She doubted it, actually, all things considered, if Twilight knew the whole truth... If she could see it all. One logically sound decision wouldn't change that kind of big picture. But Twilight was back in Ponyville, Rainbow Dash reminded herself. What Twilight thought didn't matter here. She pushed the intruding consideration of the purple alicorn out of her head. Well... If it didn't matter, then... Screw it. What would it hurt? It was a tradition for this fountain, here in her city, and one she'd never indulged in before now. Maybe it was time she did. She had more than enough to spare, anyway. More than she deserved, she felt, when she thought about it. After a long moment of pondering, she dug around in her saddlebag and found a one-bit coin. It seemed so small and insignificant. What was one bit worth to the forces of fate or destiny or... Whatever it was that this was supposed to appeal to the favor of? What could she hope to get for it? Nothing. Probably nothing. She shrugged and decided she'd do it anyway. It was a stupid waste, but somehow still among the least insane things in the last three years of her life. As far as what to wish for, she supposed if she was going to throw money away on something ineffectual, she might as well go big. She might as well shoot for the only thing she really wanted anymore. Why not? Nothing else worked. She closed her eyes and wished, as hard as she could, that the last three years could somehow be gone. She wished that she would open her eyes back up again and it would be a new day, in a new time, one where she'd never left Equestria for the brutal Northern War. For a brief moment, she could suddenly see herself in her mind, as the pony she should be... There would be no scars, the memories would be erased. She'd be able to sleep at night again. God, she wanted it. Just... Just one night of all this being completely out of her thoughts. She clung with all she had to that vision for the moment it lasted. She willed it to be with every fiber, straining her thoughts, squeezing her eyelids tightly, clenching her jaw. Just let it be over. Please, somehow, some way, just let it finally be over. That silent plea rang through her mind, loud enough to drown out any other thought. She threw the coin into the fountain, and heard the splash. Her eyes opened and nothing was any different. Of course it wasn't. How could it have been? Throwing a single one-bit coin into the water does what, exactly? Right. Nothing. Maybe it just wasn't enough. Maybe it took more than a single token offering. If it would have made things different, she would have thrown in all the coins it took - all the coins she had. She'd have tossed away every bit they ever paid her to fight, if giving it all back would mean getting back what she used to be before this. She wished she'd never taken their blood money. That's all it was to her now, just so much blood money. The statue towering over the middle of the fountain that had stared down on her silently all the times she'd played here when she was young still stared at her now. In those innocent days she took it for granted and never paid attention to the rearing armored pegasus with flared wings, a pale cloudstone collosus carved in heroic proportions, several times larger than a real pony. Now her gaze gravitated toward it. This was a famous statue, everypony who lived here knew the imposing figure on sight. Commander Hurricane. One of Cloudsdale's greatest heroes, one of the warriors of the old Cloud Empire. What about her? Did she ever feel like this? Rainbow Dash wondered about it, while she stared back up at the empty eyes. Obviously, yes, she was a flesh and blood pony at one point, she must have felt something like this at least once in her time. Rainbow Dash knew there way no conceivable way around it, for a pony who'd been there and seen the things she had with her own two eyes. Somepony like Commander Hurricane just never would have admitted it. Too many ponies with their consciences, whether they knew it or not, resting on her back. Too much at stake not to carry that weight with grace and pretend there was nothing to it, no pain and no doubt over the rightness of what was being done on distant battlefields for her city and her people. Anypony not part of that would never really know the struggle, because the ones who were would never betray the facade, the image, that protects ponies who didn't have to see everything ugly behind it for themselves. For centuries, pegasi like Commander Hurricane had stood in statues like this, reassuring everypony with their proud bearing. The sinking awareness that now it was her turn felt heavy in Rainbow Dash's gut. Now she was one of them, part of this long, long line of Cloudsdale pegasus warriors that carried that responsibility of maintaining the noble image for the rest of her people, because that is how they see it, isn't it? They see the parts they want to see. They hear the parts they want to hear. They don't see the rest. They don't see most of what's real out there in the blood and the dirt. All they see is this statue, all they see is the stoic pose. Action, confidence, gallantry, and honor. Glory for Cloudsdale, glory for Equestria. Good old Commander Hurricane eminated those things in her cloudstone visage, showing them the things that everypony admires. For their own good, for the sake of their own comfort and their own souls, that was all that most ponies saw when they went for a nice walk through this park. The sun gleamed off the perfect polish covering every square inch of this perfect military mare in her perfect armor. Underneath that surface image, the pale cloudstone composing the statue reminded Rainbow Dash of the coat of a different pegasus, one they would never see. Alabaster, both her color and her name. And suddenly Rainbow Dash resented all of them, all the civilians, because they would never see that pale-coated pegasus who would never come home again, and they would never know for themselves the truth about all of this that Alabaster could have told them if only they could see her, even just a glance, just once... If they could have just heard her story... They didn't see her friend. They didn't see it when she - They didn't have to see her kill herse - Rainbow Dash wouldn't even let herself finish the thought. The pain it still brought on was too sharp. The penetrating intensity of the sting brought involuntary watering to her eyes, like getting a splash of lemon juice in a fresh cut. She shoved it back down, and wanted to think about anything else but that. Anything else. The heat of anger started rising in her chest and burned in her eyes. They watered and stung like the air was smoky, and she tried to blink it away. What was it all for, anyway? Why was the friend they would never see gone forever? All just blood money. Buck this. Buck all of this. She turned from the fountain and walked away, out of the park, hating that statue and the veneer it presented, the part everypony would see, more bitterly than anything she could ever remember hating before. An hour later, Rainbow Dash was knocking on the front door to a cloud house. It was a door thoroughly entrenched in her memory, one that in the past she'd have just opened up and walked in through instead of knocking on, and often after walking in she'd shout out a brief greeting to announce her truimphant return from wherever she'd been. Momentarily, she considered doing just that, for old time's sake. She was pretty confident that the pony who lived here wouldn't mind. Actually, it would probably make his day to hear it again. Still, though, there were rules ponies were expected to follow once they were grown up and lived in separate places of their own, so she waited. After a few seconds the door came ajar and swung open. A pegasus, looking somewhat like a male version of herself, with the same rainbow color mane and tail but a slightly different shade of blue in his coat, stared at her for a brief fraction of a second, while she stared back. "Rainbow!" He exclaimed, smiling, and threw his front legs around her in greeting, pulling her into a hug that she gladly returned. "Hey dad," Rainbow Dash said, from in his embrace. "How's it going?" "It's great! C'mon in, c'mon in!" She found herself being pulled enthusiastically through the doorway, and before she knew it she was standing in the living room of the cloud house she grew up in. "I didn't know you were gonna be in Cloudsdale," he said happily. "Eh... Well... Neither did I, 'till I got here," Rainbow Dash said, though as she did she realized it sounded sort of strange. "It was a spur-of-the-moment trip," she explained, "just wanted to see the place again for some reason. I dunno. I just... Flew out here. Didn't really think too much about it." "Oh. Still taking time off, huh?" her dad said. "Well, that's good. You deserve some to yourself to relax and take it easy." She wanted to laugh. "Yeah, that's kinda what I wanna do right now," she nodded instead. "I could really... Uhh... I could really use it..." "I'll bet," her dad nodded back. "You were gone a long time. Didn't sound too fun, from your letters." "It wasn't," she shook her head. She didn't know what else to say. There was an awkward pause. "Well, hey. That's all done. You made it. You're home now," her dad finally said. "It's good to see you, Rainbow. I missed you," he hugged her again. "I missed you, too," she responded, returning his hug. "You're welcome to stay here with me if you're gonna be in the city overnight," he said. "You always are, you know that." "Yeah. I know," she nodded. "I probably will. I actually don't know how long I'll be here yet. I was kinda... Thinking... A few days, maybe? Something like that." "Your old room is still there for you." he said. "Obviously, still mostly empty, since you moved all your stuff out to that house of yours over Ponyville. But there's some blankets in the linen closet and it should be easy to drag in some cloud chunks to use as a bed whenever you feel like it." "Okay. Sounds good," she agreed. "So... Did you just get into the city a little while ago?" he asked. "Yep," she nodded. "Have you stopped to visit anypony else yet?" he asked. "Nope. Haven't really done much..." she shook her head. She hesitated and the house was silent. "Well, actually, I stopped at Cirrus Park," she finally said. "Huh. I haven't been there for a while myself," he replied. "Not much to see," she shrugged. "It's the same as it's been as long as I can remember." "Heh. Yeah. It's been the way it is since before I was born," her father said. "I don't think they'll ever change it." "The fountain's still there," she continued. "The one with the statue." "Heheh. Yeah. When you first figured out how to fly you thought it was the coolest thing ever to buzz your way up onto Commander Hurricane's back and pose like you were riding her into battle," he said. "You were really proud of being able to get up there all by yourself." "I guess I was," Rainbow Dash said flatly. "Back then." There was a break in the conversation. Rainbow Dash looked around the house. She knew everything in it, all the furnature, all the pictures, the decorations. All of it was the same as it had been for years. Even the pattern of pooling sunlight coming in through the three large windows of the livingroom, leaving a row of almost blindingly bright rectangles on the floor that would slowly march across the room as the sun moved through the sky was a feature from her childhood. She hated it in summer when it helped make the whole house too hot. She loved it in the winter when it was cold and she could lay in the light to soak in pleasant warmth. This was the closest to being home she'd felt in a very long time. "I guess you're even more like Commander Hurricane now," her dad commented. "Now that you've... Been out there. Right?" She sighed. What was she supposed to say? She didn't really know. She didn't really want to say anything. She didn't want to think about anything, at least not anything about that. She just wanted to enjoy being here, in this familiar house with this familiar pony. No. Not here. Not here, of all places... It smashed her like a hammer inside, crushing and bruising some of the deepest and most cherished pieces of this sense of comfort, to realize that even he saw the statue now. This stallion who raised her, been there every day of her childhood through every good and bad thing that happened, knew her through and through and that she loved and felt closer to than anypony else ever in the world... Even he saw her this way, after she'd gone out there to fight and come home and now she was just... A statue. She hated that, but what could she do about it? Being that was her responsibility, wasn't it? To be that chivalrous image to protect everypony else, so they wouldn't have to see those ugly truths? Protecting the ponies she loved was why she'd done this. Yes, she was their shield, and to lower it would mean undoing that defense. She did it to protect them, and part of that meant protecting them from what she'd done. That job would never be over. Still not saying anything, she tried to stand tall, locking her legs rigid. In slow movements she hoped seemed organic, suddenly self-conscious of her posture, she tried to keep her chin up and hold her head with a pride subtle enough to be there without looking forced and intentional. She was supposed to be proud, she was supposed to be filled with the conviction of having done the right thing, driven onward tirelessly by honor in the greatness of her responsibility. She wasn't supposed to betray any doubt. She wasn't supposed to tell any ugly truths. The thought of carrying that weight forever was too heavy. Being made of stone weighed far too much. She could feel it in her back, pressing down, straining the muscles in her legs. Part of her was screaming to cast that weight off. Break out of it. Shake it loose, let it all break apart and drop to the floor, let everything inside come out. She didn't want this barrier of stone encasing her, walling her off from everypony, even the ones she was supposed to be closest to. Maybe, though... Maybe it would be okay if she let go of that, just for a little, just this time. He would understand. Of course he would. Suddenly, more clearly than anything else, she knew he would understand. Whatever she told him, whatever she showed him, he would still be... Wouldn't he still be her dad? With that thought, almost imperceptibly at first the stone started to crack. She slumped her back a little, buckled her legs into a more relaxed stance, and loosened her stiff neck and let her wings not clamp down so tightly on her sides in such a perfect fold. She started to feel weak, and her instinct, as it always had been all her life, was to fight it. But the stone kept cracking, chipping away and beginning to slip and fall, and in spite of herself she found herself struggling to hold it all up. The effort was half-hearted, she realized, more a reflex than a serious attempt. It was really just there for the show. The pride, the glory, the honor, all that nonsense it was supposed to mean, didn't matter to her. All those things were as hollow as an old washed-up shell at the beach. Underneath it, desperately, more desperately than anything else, she just wanted her dad. Everything was coming down, and it was a relief, the biggest relief in the world, to finally feel it happening. Her legs trembled, then buckled a little, and she let them. She sat down on the floor on her haunches. A sense of tightness left her chest, while she slowly took a deep breath and then let it out again. She could breathe again. Her neck relaxed and she hung her head. Finally, she gave herself over and surrendered to a feeling of calm, easy comfort in letting all that weight slide off and just fall away. The stone facade lay in ruins around her, abandoned and shattered, and that felt... ... Good. It finally felt like something completely honest. The feeling of being home finally swallowed her up, and it was the best feeling in three years. She wanted to laugh with joy, and she almost did, but something else came up through that, overpoweringly, needing to be let out while there was a chance. Her eyes watered. She took another deep breath, and realized she was shaking. "Are you alright?" Her father asked. She could hear his concern. "No, dad. I'm not," she responded in a trembling voice. "What's wrong?" he asked gently, moving closer to her. "I'm not a hero," she said. "I'm just... I don't know. I don't know what I am." "Why? Did... Did something happen?" he asked. She tried to think of something to say, but there was nothing but a tangle of memories, a million different things that all had a part of it but none of them were the one answer that could say it all. "Too many things," she finally managed to croak out. She crumbled and choked into sobs. "Too many things. And I don't... Know... Who I am. I did things and now I just don't know." She sobbed wordlessly for a little while before she could say anything more. "I got trained and made into this fighting machine and went north and killed a bunch of griffins and a lot of them didn't really deserve it. And I saw ponies die. The best friend I had up there died. We fought together a million times and then she just couldn't take it anymore and she broke apart and she died. And there were a lot of times I thought I would, too. There was blood everywhere, every day. All the time. So much... So much blood. I don't know what it was all for. I don't know what it made me into. I'm scared of it. I don't wanna be this... Thing. I hate this. I hate what I have to be now." Words spilled out of her rapidly once she was able to get them started. "I'm sorry, dad," she said through her crying. "I'm supposed to be this... Hero, or something... And I'm just a monster. I'm just... I don't know. I'm sorry." Her father sat for a minute without saying anything. "No... I know who you are... And I don't hate what I see," he looked Rainbow Dash in the eyes. "You're my little filly." Rainbow Dash didn't say anything. She just looked back at him. "That's how it is, being a parent," he continued. "I guess you'll understand if you ever have foals. Your kid can get big and grow up and move out to somewhere else and go away to war and come back some kinda tough soldier who's done all kinds of fighting and Celestia knows what else out there, but somehow nothing can really change it... You'll always be my little girl." He reached out and scooped her in close to himself. She leaned her head against his shoulder and felt his forelegs wrapping around, embracing her. He was warm and safe and comforting, the most comforting thing in the world, just the way she remembered from so many years ago, when he used to hug her and hold her when she was much smaller. Things weren't really much different now, were they? No, they weren't. He'd said so, and that was exactly the one thing she'd been hoping most in all the world to hear. She was still his little filly. His foal, the one he protected, the one he raised, the one he loved and the one who loved him back, with a bond stronger than anything. That was all she wanted to be. "I love you, dad," she said through her tears, clinging to him. "I love you too, kiddo," he said back. For a while, she just wanted to be here at home.