3. Ciao Bella
It's hard to sleep after a day like that.
I tried to sum it all up.
I had been beaten up on my way home.
I had almost broken my legs whilst trying acrobatic manoeuvres.
Hint: don't try acrobatics unless you're an acrobat.
I had invited Peter inside.
Okay, so far, normal day.
Then, three fillies had appeared out of nowhere.
One of them had broken my nose.
One of them thought I was cute and cuddly.
I don't mind she liked me, just the 'cute' part is a bit, how should I put this, downgrading.
Discord had been pulling bad jokes and Sweetie Belle got caffeine madness.
Then my best friend had walked out on me.
This was keeping me awake.
Okay, this and Sweetie Belle hopping up and down like a jackhammer.
"Alien?", she suddenly asked.
"You can call me Jeffrey", I replied.
"Uh, buzz, Jeffrey, are you awake?", she asked.
"Yes, Sweetie Belle, I am."
"Can, buzz, I ask you a question?", she asked.
I noticed she had dropped from five billion hops per minute to four and a half.
An improvement.
"Sure, Sweetie Belle, ask me anything."
She seemed to think a bit before asking.
Only with the occasional 'buzz' escaping her muzzle.
"Do you have cutiemarks here?"
"No, Sweetie Belle, we don't", I answered.
It was hard to see her expression in the darkness of the room and the blur of her hopping.
"But, how do you know your special talents, then?"
I was a bit startled at her question.
"We... we don't have special talents", I answered.
A terrible disbelief vibrated with her.
"You mean... you're all the same?"
I chuckled.
"No, no we aren't."
She didn't understand, so I tried to explain a bit to her.
"We humans, we... We are weird. We do have talents, but... Not like that."
She tilted her head.
She had slowed down to three billion hops per minute now.
"Some of us are better in some things then others are, but we don't focus on that too much", I continued.
"It's more of a 'where and when are you born' and a 'how much are you like others' thing."
She tilted her head farther.
Her eyelids in a sad corner.
"The more you are like the others, the better you fit in. Differences are weaknesses for humans."
"That's horrible!"
I nodded.
"Do you know why I watched... why I watched your series?", I asked.
"No, I don't even understand why it's there", she answered.
She was almost standing still.
"I watched it because I somehow hoped. I hoped things could be like on my screen.
Colours, love, tolerance. That's what this world lacks, Sweetie Belle. That's why you can't go out there, no matter your fame."
She nodded.
"And I want to be with my family and friends", she sighed.
She was standing still.
"Do you think you could sleep now?", I asked.
I got snoring as a response.
I smiled and crawled under my sheet.
For them, there was hope. Hope.
"Rise and shine, weirdo!", Scootaloo yelled into my ear.
Suddenly, she was no longer my favourite character in the show.
I tried to get up, but I was held down by the weight of Apple Bloom sitting on my chest.
This better not become a habit of theirs.
"Apple Bloom, could you get off my chest? I'm suffocating."
"Oh, sorry there", she said as she hopped down onto the floor.
I coughed into my palm.
"Sweetie Belle, time to get up!", Scootaloo yelled, poking her in the flank.
"Please, Scootaloo, she's been up the whole night, let her sleep a bit longer."
Scootaloo blushed.
"Oh, uh, yeah, you're probably right."
The CMC minus one sat before me, expectantly.
"Uh, what is it?", I asked.
"Can we have some breakfast please, kind sir?", Apple Bloom asked politely.
"Yeah, weirdo, I'm starving!", Scootaloo added.
I sighed and paced towards the refrigerator.
Thankfully it was a Saturday, so I didn't have to go to school or something.
I turned the furnace to the max and grabbed myself a pan.
Bacon and eggs, that always works, or those little sausages.
I opened a can of my favourite, meaty, cocktail sausages.
Then, I remembered they were ponies.
Probably not omnivorous.
I placed the can on top of the cupboard and sought some cornflakes.
Could ponies eat cornflakes?
I had already failed on the cola part, I didn't want to risk poisoning them again.
I heard the two whisper.
"I don't trust this, Apple Bloom, this place smells like death", Scootaloo said.
Like death? Sure, I sweat a little at night, but...
I stared at the can of sausages.
Oh, shit.
What do I do, what do I do?
I had the clever idea of covering it up with a towel.
Brilliance strikes again.
"Hey weirdo, can I wash my hooves and my face a bit? It's been ages since I've had a good bath", Scootaloo asked.
"Sure, use the sink here", I said, "there's some soap too."
She washed up and I filled some bowls with cornflakes.
Do ponies drink milk?
Apple Bloom joined Scootaloo at the sink.
"Hey, Apple Bloom, do you guys eat this?", I asked.
I showed her the cornflakes.
"Sure, no probs!"
"Okay, then, and do you drink milk?"
She coughed.
"Milk, like coco, or like mother's milk?"
"Eh, cow's milk."
They coughed even more.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, it's just, we didn't expect there to be cows here", Apple Bloom said.
"So, they willingly gave their milk?", Scootaloo asked, "They ask a lot of payment for their milk you know."
"Well, uh..."
Scootaloo grabbed a towel to dry her face.
She grabbed the WRONG towel.
Brilliance, where'd you go?!
"Aah, it smells like death!", she screamed.
Apple Bloom looked at the can.
"One hundred percent beef"
They looked at me with those great, creepy cute eyes in shock.
Yep, I'm going veggie.
"You... you...", Apple Bloom stumbled.
"Hiyaa!", Scootaloo yelled.
"No, not the nose!"
Too late.
The scared fillies ran to the living room.
"Wait, Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, let me explain!", I cried whilst I covered my nose with my used to be green shirt.
Apple Bloom shook Sweetie Belle back and forth.
"SweetieBellewehavetogoitsdangeroushereandthatguyisadangerouspredatorandifwedontgohelleatusandwakeupbecauseifwediefromyourlazinessiwillkillyou!"
Wow. I thought caffeine Sweetie Belle spoke fast.
Sweetie Belle opened an eye.
"He's a what now?"
"Adangerouspredatorandwehavetogo!"
Nope, these ponies don't need caffeine to do Pinkietalk.
"Girls, please, let me explain!", I panicked.
How was I going to explain?
I had Bella chopped up on my cupboard and a towel with the smell of intestines.
That didn't put me in a good spot at all.
"I don't get it", Sweetie Belle said.
Scootaloo facehoofed.
"He's a murderer, Sweetie Belle, he murdered a bovine and we're next!"
"I didn't...", I protested.
"After stealing her milk!", Scootaloo continued.
Sweetie Belle's eyes grew larger than they already were.
How is that even possible? They were already half the size of her head!
"I didn't kill the cow!", I yelled.
That got their attention.
Apple Bloom walked backwards in the corner.
Sweetie Belle hid under her blanket and Scootaloo assumed a defensive combat position.
"Humans are... humans are an omnivorous species. We eat meat and plants", I said, "and... and..."
Scootaloo was rather annoyed than scared.
"And what? That doesn't give you the right to turn cows into sausages!", she shouted.
"Well, I have to eat something, don't I?", I lost my temper.
I stomped my foot on the floor.
Scootaloo seemed to doubt a bit.
"Look, I can promise you I'll never eat sentient beings again, okay?"
She frowned.
"Pinkie promise!", she exclaimed.
"Fine, cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye. Aaw!"
I was perhaps a bit too enthusiastic with the 'stick a cupcake in my eye' part.
She chuckled a bit, but was still hesitant to believe me.
I sat down on the couch. She didn't leave her defensive position.
"I didn't kill the cow. We are omnivorous and... I bought the can in the store. To us, it's no big deal, but I understand your shock."
She tilted her head.
"Guys, he just admitted to being a psychopath!"
I nodded in agreement.
"Yep, psycho. But if you go out there, you'll meet a LOT worse, so I'd advice sticking around."
Apple Bloom came closer.
"So, eh, you won't eat us?"
"Hell no, you're talking ponies!"
They passed a frown.
"Is there any other kind?", Sweetie Belle popped up from under the sheet.
"Ponies aren't exactly very talkative around here. I'll show you sometime if you want me to."
Scootaloo lowered her fists- I mean hooves.
(Confusing)
"Well, what do we do now?", Apple Bloom asked, "how can you get us home?"
That was a very good question.
Ding Dong
Saved by the doorbell.
I got op and considered opening the door, when I realised that might not be such a good idea.
I ran towards the cupboard and removed it's content.
"Hide in here", I said.
Somewhat hesitant, the three foals climbed into the cupboard.
It was a bit small for all three of them.
I pondered letting them get into separate closets, but there was no time left.
I ran to the door and opened it.
"Is dit het huis van Jeffrey De Bakker?", the police officer said.
Oh, of course, translation.
"Is this Jeffrey De Bakker's house?"
I had expected seeing Peter. I had expected seeing my mom.
I had not expected seeing the guy in uniform.
I gulped as I saw the gun on his belt.
"Uh, yes, what for?", I asked.
He looked over my shoulder.
I could hear the faint complaints of the three fillies.
"Apple Bloom, get off of my nose!"
"I'm trying, I'm trying!"
A fake grin ornamented my face.
"Heh, heh, TV is on."
He nodded.
"This is about your mother, Angelique De Bakker", he continued.
"She's being held at the precinct , again."
He tipped his hat.
"She said you could get her out on bail, with some money from upstairs."
"Out on bail? No, sorry, she used every last dime", I lied.
I wasn't bailing out my criminal mom, and I was most certainly not ruining my time with the three foals by sending in an alcoholic maniac.
"All right then, I must ask you to come with me."
"What? Why?"
"I can't leave a minor alone without a guardian, now can I?", he said.
He grinned, showing his gold tooth.
That's awfully expensive for a police officer.
Something about his badge drew my attention.
"NYPD", it said.
I slammed the door in his face.
"You are as much of a police officer as I am the king of Spain!", I yelled.
He forcefully pushed the door.
I couldn't hold it.
He pushed me over.
He ducked and took a pair of cuffs from his belt.
"Beat it, punk!", I yelled and I kicked his face.
"Ah, not the nose!", he screamed.
Now that. That was satisfactory, I must say.
"That's it, you're going down!", he growled and he pulled his gun.
I closed my eyes for what was about to come.
I didn't think it was going to be an orange blur of destruction though.
I saw it when I opened them again.
Scootaloo had kicked the gun out of the fake cop's hand and was now battering his face with a hoof.
I was glad I never pissed her off to that grade of madness.
I grabbed the gun.
The man had grasped Scootaloo's hoof and now swung her to the other side of the room.
I pointed the gun at Mister New York.
"Why are you here?", I asked.
He didn't say a thing.
Scootaloo kicked him in the knee.
"You heard him, why are you here?", she continued.
The man burst out into laughter.
"Let's see how much you'll be laughed after I've put a piece of lead in your forehead!", I bluffed.
I knew very well I would never be able to pull that trigger.
Poof.
I had no idea what to think of this.
Poof, the guy was gone.
Only a small cloud of smoke rising from the spot he just was.
"Eh, what just happened?", Sweetie Belle asked behind me.
"Honestly? I have no idea."
A familiar voice drew my attention.
"Uh, Jeffrey, why are you pointing a gun at Scootaloo?", Peter asked.
He had appeared on the porch, carrying his little shih tzu puppy on his left arm.
I quickly dropped the metal device of death.
"What's a gun?", Apple Bloom asked.
"A thing humans make to kill others", I said.
I pointed my glance towards Scootaloo.
"To make up for the fact we don't have claws."
She stared at the device.
"What does it do?"
I picked it up again.
It had a silencer. Perfect.
I pointed it upwards and pulled the trigger.
Peter ducked and almost squashed his dog.
The three fillies jumped back.
A hole formed in the ceiling.
Despite of the silencer, it was LOUD.
Know those James Bond movies where the sound of a gun is almost inaudible? Well, they are NOT correct.
I struggled to get rid of the constant beeping noise in my head.
"Oh, that", Scoot squealed.
"What are you doing here, anyway Peter?", I asked.
He was sad. Very sad.
A tear rolled down his cheek.
"Dad caught me in my room doing research on dimensional jumping and magical ponies. He kicked me out, called me crazy."
"Ooh, don't be sad!", Sweetie Belle said. She hugged Peter.
Since they were both about half my size, they had about the same height.
One thing though.
The ponies are half my size when on FOUR paws.
Result: Peter fell under the sudden weight of Sweetie Belle.
"You're crushing Cerberos!", he complained.
Yes, he called his dog Cerberos. Despite his lack of heads.
The little furry pup didn't look exactly like the guardian to the gates of the underworld.
I can assure you though, if that little dog was mad, you'd rather be on the OTHER SIDE of the gates of the gates to the underworld.
"Oh, sorry", Sweetie Belle said.
She jumped back.
This crushing us better don't become a habit. Oh, wait, too late.
"Well? What do we do now?", Apple Bloom asked.
Peter dropped his backpack. It held food, water, his laptop, paper and pen.
"I think I might've found something", he said.
We all shared a glance.
"What have you found?", Scootaloo asked.
"A safe place out of town. Cheap, free Wi-Fi, secluded. Perfect to hide three fillies and to search a way back to Equestria."
"But, uh, how do ya bring us there without being seen?", Apple Bloom asked.
I grinned.
"Peter, remember that old soapbox we built?"