//------------------------------// // Burger Board // Story: Pony vs. Food // by TheOneAJ //------------------------------// A light-brown Earthy pony with a cutie mark of a rice bowl with a pair of chopsticks crossed in the shape of an X straightens out his short.black mane and dusts his red shirt off in front of Sugarcube Corner. He puts on his show face before addressing the camera. “Today, I’m in Ponyville, where I’m about to face the Pinkie Promise challenge.” The screen switches to a gigantic pink cupcake while Adam’s voice can be heard in the background. A seven-pound cupcake topped with over 200 sprinkles, and I have to finish it in one sitting. If I succeed, I will make history as the second pony to have completed this challenge. If I lose, I have to pay for the meal with the worst sugar highs I’ve ever encountered. *************** I’m Adam Rice. The screen plays clips from his show. A food fanatic who’s held nearly every job in the restaurant business. Now, I’m on a mouthwatering journey all over Equestria to find the world’s greatest pig-out spots, and take on the greatest food challenges known to Equestrian kind. I’m no competitive eater, just a regular pony with a serious appetite. The Pony vs. Food logo flashes on the screen. This, is Pony vs. Food. Wrestling bells ring. ***** The camera takes a moment to zoom through Ponyville and all its landmarks, from town hall, to the library, to Sweet Apple Acres. Ponyville, just a day’s train ride from Canterlot and a hop, skip and a jump from the mysterious Everfree Forest. However, this is no small town. This is the home and regular travel destination of nobles and royalty, as well as the home of the Pinkie Promise challenge. But before I can take on my seven-pound foe, I’m making a stop at the original Burger Board. Adam appears on the screen next to the Burger Board. “Opened just a few years ago, the Burger Board singled-hoofedly invented the hayburger we all know and love today. It’s even documented as the home of the hayburger in the Canterlot Royal Archives.” The camera zooms around the town for a little bit before it focuses back on Adam. “I’m here to talk to the ponies on the street about what they think of this famous restaurant. Um, miss...” He walks over to Pinkie Pie. “Do you eat here often?” Pinkie Pie gasps, jumps, and hovers in the air for a few seconds, then races off. “Um...” Adam looks at the camera, bewildered. “Okay, oh, how about you fine ladies?” Adam trots over to Lyra and Bon-Bon. “What do you think of the Burger Board?” “Oh, yeah,” Lyra says, “it’s got great food. I especially love the hayfries. My coltfriend and I meet up here regularly for an afternoon date, and he never makes me pay.” She claps her hooves together as her face turns red. “Isn’t that romantic, folks? What about you, miss?” He addresses a jaw dropped Bon-Bon. “…Adam Rice.” Bon-Bon’s eyes widen. “Yeah, hi.” Adam gives a half-smile. “Anything you have to say about the Burger Board?” “Adam Rice is talking to me!” After a moment, Bon-Bon’s eyes widen as she jumps up and down. “GAHHH! Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! I am such a huge fan of your show! Oh my gosh, this is like, so unbelievable. Hahaha!” Bon-Bon leans into Adam’s face. “Do you still have the scar on your right knee you got when you scraped the table at Doughnuts Joe’s?” “Um..." Adam tries to back away. "I think.” Bon-Bon catches him, leans into Adam’s right leg, and squeals. "You do! Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh—” “Take it easy, girl,” Lyra says as she puts herself between Adam and Bon-Bon. “Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!” Bon-Bon continues. "Bon-Bon!” Lyra turns to Adam with a sympathetic frown. "I’m sorry about this, sir, usually she calls me the obsessive one.” “I’m not obsessed Lyra, I’m... oh, who the buck am I kidding? Adam, I love you!” Bon-Bon throws herself at Adam “Boy, what a town.” Adam winces as his camera-mare and Lyra try to pull Bon-Bon off of him. ***************************** While the outside of the Burger Board looks great, the inside is where all the action is. "Just from the moment you walk in," Adam says as he walks into the restaurant, passing by several ponies carry their orders by, "you can smell the aroma of the hay being fried, while you just hear the sizzle of melodies that brings all the magic together. I've got to tell ya, I've never been so excited to try a burger before. But enough about my needs. Let's hear more about what other ponies have to say about the food." ******************************* “So what do you have to say about the food here?” “Well,” Berry Punch says, “the juice is inside the patty is really sweet, the burger is crunchy and flavorful, and it’s just the second-best party you'll experience in your mouth.” “I bet.” Adam leans into her burger to take a whiff. “Oh I got to tell ya,” Adam says as he leans over the burger, “I may have had a hayburger before, but that just smells heavenly.” ******************************* “You won’t find any better place for a burger than here!” Rose says. ******************************* “My advice,” Carrot Top says, “add carrot ring slices instead of pickles.” ******************************** “BUGER BOARD IS THE BEST!” Bulk Biceps flexes his muscles to the camera. “YEAH!” ******************************** “So,” Bon-Bon say as she leans into Adam’s face, “you ever consider settling down?” Lyra races over to the table. “Bon-Bon!” ****************************** "Yeah," Spike says while chewing, "it's really good." He stuffs in another mouthful as he pours ketchup into his mouth. "I just wish they would put gems on the menu though." ************************** “What about you, young lady, anything you would like to add?” “Um, well, I…” Fluttershy turns her head from the camera. "I really like the food.” “I’m sorry, I didn’t quite get that.” “I really like the food.” “Okay, everypony,” Adam wraps a hoof around Fluttershy, “she really likes the food.” Fluttershy moans in discomfort. *********** ***************** “I’m in the kitchen now with owner, founder, and inventor of the hayburger, Haystack. How’s it going, bro?” “Oh it’s great,” a tangerine stallion with a hay barrel cutie mark replies, “just another day in paradise.” “Okay, so how were you able to go from hayfries to a hayburger?” “Well, one day, I was making some hayfries when I had to sign a few papers in the back. I placed the fries on the counter, but while I was gone, they fell onto the oven's frying pan. When I came back, the fries looked ruined from my point of view.” “Then, as fate would have it, I had a rather annoying customer out front who was demanding that I hurry up with her sandwich. Having put up with her far more often than I care for, I decided just to serve the ruined fries to her as a way to get even. I placed them between two buns, added some lettuce and tomatoes with some ketchup, then I gave it to her.” “I’ve got to tell you, Adam, I was scared to death afterwards that she would race back in here to beat the tar out of me later that day.” “I’m guessing that didn’t happen?” Adam titled his head. “No, it did not,” Haystack says, puffing up his chest, “instead, at around dinner time, she came back in with some of her friends saying that it was the best sandwich she had even had.” “I made some more for them, and when she asked me what it was called, I said, a burger.” “How did you come up with the idea of calling your invention a burger, by the way?” “Well, that’s what the griffins call a similar invention of theirs, so that’s what I called it on the top of my head, and it’s been that way even since.” “That’s cool, but what is different from a pony burger from a griffin burger?” “Um…” ************************ “So I’m here behind the grill to learn what’s goes into making a hayburger. You ready for this?” Adam begins to rub his hooves together. “I’m ready for this!” Haystack nods. “Alright, first, you want to start out as if you’re going to make regular hayfries.” Haystack grabs some pre-twirled and battered hayfries and throws them into the fryer. “Oh, I’m telling you, man,” Adam sighs, “I’ve been excited many times before, but nothing beats the sound of hay cooking in grease. It’s just earth pony magic at its finest.” A symphony plays in the background as Adam waltzes with an imaginary partner. After a few minutes in the fryer, the fries come out, ready for the next step. Adam looks towards the fried hay. “So you don’t just throw them onto the grill like you accidentally did the first time?” “Well, at first, that’s what we did, but now that’s just considered sloppy hay.” Haystack places the fries on another table. “If you want a burger, you got to compact the fries into a patty, like so.” Haystack demonstrates as Adam follows his lead. “Then, depending on where you go, you’ll have different chefs using different spices and seasoning. But here at Burger Board, we have our secret seasoning.” Haystack holds the secret seasoning powder as angels sing in the background while a halo appears over the jar. Adam examines the jar from every angle. “So, what’s in it?” “I can’t tell you that,” Haystack says while he sprinkles the powder over the patties. “Come on, brother, chef-to-chef, please.” Adam takes a whiff of the air. “I can smell that it has a kind of onion-garlic power, with a tad of cinnamon, but I can’t figure out what else is in there.” “I can tell you, but then I have to kill you.” Adam looks at the camera with wide eyes. “Talk about taking a secret ingredient seriously.” Next, the patties go onto the grill. Where they are pressed, cooked to a golden brown, seasoned with another sprinkling of secret spices, and then it’s time to put it all together. “So, for all the talk of secret spice and these things being great, everything else you put on the burgers is just the basics? No secret sauce or extra ingredients?” “That’s right, Adam.” Haystack proceed to finish the burger, listing off the toppings as he places them on top of the burger. “Just lettuce, onions, pickles, a tomato, ketchup and mustard, then bun, and you’re done. You don’t mess with perfection.” “No, you do not.” “Okay,” Adam says directly to the camera, “I’ve been tortured enough. Let’s go eat this thing.” We head out into the eating area to dig in, and I waste no time taking my first savory bite. Adam does so, savoring every moment as his face gets covered in ketchup. “It’s really juicy, and it’s got this very spicy kick, but it doesn’t burn your mouth. It’s enough to make your mouth water for some more.” Adam looks towards Haystack with a wide grin. “I presume that comes from having a lot of experience in knowing how to get the burger just right?” “Pretty much.” Haystack nods while he places his burger down. “I’ve been in this business longer, so I know better how to make a burger just right.” “Yeah,” Adam says as he looks towards the camera, “I’ve had professionals make hayburgers before, but with your secret spice, oh my Celestia, this just has to be the best burger ever.” “Thanks a lot, bro,” Adam says as he hoofbumps Haystacks, “this was great.” “No problem, but you sure you don’t want a second one?” “Oh, I would,” Adam moans, “but I’ve got to face a seven-pound cupcake in two days, so I’ve got to pass.” “Hey Haystack?” Rainbow Dash says as she flies in between them. Haystack looks sheepishly towards her. “Rainbow, what can I do for you?” Rainbow Dash looks towards Adam with wide eyes. “Did he tell you I helped invent the hayburger yet?” **************************** Coming up, I head over to Sweet Apple Acres for their yearly Zap Apple Jam for a chance to try a rare treat you can only get a few times a year. After that, I take on the Pinkie Promise Challenge. The scene ends with Adam's face next to the seven-pound cupcake.