So I've now held down a marefriend for a week now. That's really going to give my record for "longest relationship" a run for its money. I didn't really have much luck with the ladies back on Earth, and I had a little too much luck here in this universe. I remember Kathyrine quite well.
Still, I suppose that was her dearly departed dopey dad who forced us both into that, but whatever. It was still one of my more successful relationships.
Ponyville has gotten used to the idea that the local human is dating the schoolmare. I mean, if you ask any of them, and I have, then they saw it all coming, which I suppose in hindsight makes sense. With how often we hung out, most ponies saw dating as the next natural step for the two of us.
So here we are on our fifth date at my house, having a nice quiet dinner with each other and discussing how it's been since we last saw each other and caught up this morning. I've made myself some fish and chips, and I made her a mushroom steak to replace the fish. We're smiling fondly at each other and eating our food slowly, as most of our evening has been taken up by talking, something that I'm completely okay with. We've both had a pretty long week.
Cheerilee finishes her bite of mushroom and sighs contentedly. "I must say, TD, I'm quite glad with how things are working out between the two of us. I wasn't sure if things would be like this if we started dating, but I'm rather liking the direction that our relationship has taken."
I smile and lean back in my chair. "I agree, though, to hear Ponyville talk, they're already planning the wedding."
"Yes, I imagine that Rarity has already made my wedding dress and Pinkie Pie is already thinking about decorations and Applejack food, but..." Cheerilee's expression turned pensive, and she tilted her head thoughtfully. "I suppose that is the logical step, isn't it?"
I shrug and nod. "Yeah, I suppose it is."
I've already been around to jewelry stores looking for a ring.
What? I know it's only date five, but with how long we've known each other I don't think it's the worst idea to not have a ten year engagement, or something like that. I'm just looking. Sheesh.
Aw geez I'm thinking about marrying a pony. A talking pony with human emotions, but a pony nonetheless. A pony I have kissed and who has said raunchy things to me. This relationship is completely and utterly weird and I am enjoying every moment of it. Who'da thunk it? If you had told me when I first came to Equestria that the schoolteacher would be the pony that I'd likely marry, I'd have punched myself in the face.
Then the universe would have exploded because alternate realities, or something.
Whatever. I'm on a date with the pony I love. Focus on that now.
I pop a french fry into my mouth which gives me time to think of what I want to say next. Having said that, I do think that that's a sign that a relationship is going well: when two people can just enjoy each other's company without the need to fill any silence. And that's what we're doing now. We've already heard about each other's days, and we don't really feel the need to fill the conversational void with petty nonsense. We can just enjoy eating dinner together, and we both really like that.
We sit in silence for a few more moments before Cheerilee decides that it's proper to break it. We do have to talk sometimes, after all.
"TD, why are your french fries blue with pink polka dots?"
I... what?
I look down at my french fries and, sure enough, they have the odd design that she had observed. I know that I hadn't made them like that, and Cheerilee wasn't a unicorn, leaving only a few options as to how my french fries had come to look like that, none of which were very appealing.
I did have one prevailing thought as to why they were that way, and it turned out to be the absolute worst one. I put another fry into my mouth, delighted that it still tasted the same, and stare straight ahead at my marefriend without so much as blinking.
"Just ignore it, Cheerilee. My fries aren't important." By this point her mushroom steak has turned baby blue and sprouted bat wings, so I figure that she's going to be less open than I am to just ignoring her food. "So, I believe you were saying something about teacher evaluations?"
Cheerilee blinks once, but she's observant. She realizes that I know darned well what's going on, and after a few seconds a look of comprehension crosses her face. She nods once and smiles placidly at me. "Yes, that was yesterday. This mare named Thinking Brain came by and observed my for the day. She gave me... uh..." Cheerilee moves her head slightly to the left and looks at a spot behind me. "TD, your bed is upside-down in the air."
"Just ignore the bed, Cheerilee. Tonight is about us." I eat another french fry, but this time it tastes like pure sugar. I don't care. I'm not letting him get to me. "You were saying something about Thinking Brain?"
Cheerilee looks back to me and forces the smile back on her face, despite the fact that her steak has now long since flown out the window, taking her plate, fork, and water glass with it. "Yes, she gave me top marks, as per usual. She told me to keep up the good work and she might suggest a five percent pay raise."
I give an impressed nod, despite the fact that the salt and pepper shakers have unscrewed themselves and poured out all of their contents onto the table to compliment the fact that all of my furniture is now flying around the room. Undeterred, I grab a pinch of salt and sprinkle it onto my half eaten fish, not even caring that it'll likely make it taste awful.
"That sounds good. Mayor Mare is thinking about something similar as I've been branching out a little more in my work." Yep, the salt made my fish taste like I'd dipped it in pure mayonnaise, but I still will not let him get to me. He wants a reaction. "I'm thinking of taking some classes in carpentry and plumbing so that I can branch out even more and do some work that way." I shrug. "Could be a good way to get some extra cash while I try to think of what I want my career to be." I snort and finish the last bite of my fish. "It's hard not having a cutie mark sometimes to tell you what your special talent is."
As if on cue the white flash that I have come to associate with getting a cutie mark flashes across my chest, and I get that much more disheartened about this whole thing. I don't want to look, I really don't, but my eyes are autonomous in that regard, and I look down at my chest for a brief moment. It's a crudely drawn picture of me holding a stick that I can only assume is Reginald. I have googly eyes and dizzy spirals over my head.
Don't react, TD. He wants you to react. If he knows he won't get a reaction out of you then he'll leave you alone and not pull stuff like this anymore. I take a deep breath and cross my arms to cover up the picture. "But, you know, I'll figure something out, right? I mean, I don't want to be a handyman all my life, but at the same time it's still a steady job."
Before Cheerilee can respond, the salt and pepper on the table begins moving of its own accord and arranging itself into what turns out to be letters. Large salt and pepper letters on the table that spell out one word.
KISS!
I tried. I really, really tried. I slam my hand on the table, something that doesn't affect the salt and pepper words at all and shoot to my feet. "Show yourself!
Dammit.
All I had to do was ask, of course. With a flash of light none other than the "reformed" god of chaos himself appears in my house, sporting a wide grin. He flies over to me and wraps me in a crushing hug.
"Oh TD, you just had to ask! I've always wanted to be invited into your home!"
"I didn't invite you in, you were already here!" I say through clenched teeth as I push him away from me. "This is breaking and entering!"
Discord gasps in mock indignation. "Why TD, I was outside of your home the entire time until you requested that I show myself. I couldn't very do that with no nearby windows, so I took it as an invitation to come in!" Discord giggled and did a backflip in midair. "I hope you don't mind the re-decorating I've done around here, but I do so want to be comfortable when I'm at a friend's home."
It's probably not the best idea, but it's the best one that I had at the moment. The second Discord stops spinning, he pauses in front of me, his grinning face right in front of mine. I do the only thing that I can think of at the moment with my temper simmering like it is.
Yep.
I headbutt him.
Of course it only makes him laugh, but it also makes me feel a little better. I hear Cheerilee facehoof behind me as Discord flies backwards. "Why TD, I thought that when you went up against gods you used your fists! Headbutting is a little outside of your repertoire, is it not?"
I give Discord my best glare and cross my arms. "Celestia gets punched in the face, you get headbutted, Luna gets kicked in the shins, and Cadance gets thrown out the window. What do you want?"
"What do I want?" Discord's ensuing laugh could have probably been heard four doors down. "Why I want to congratulate you! You see, I've been out of the country for the past few weeks and I only just got back and heard the news!" Discord puts his talons and paw to his cheeks and squees. "You're dating!"
Discord snaps his claws and the room flashes white. When the light dies down, Cheerilee is in a red, sparkly cocktail dress and has her hair done up, while I'm in a tuxedo. We're both sitting back at my table, which is clean, save for the two new plates of food before each of us. Fish and chips for me, and a mushroom steak for her. Discord is standing next to the two of us in a waiter's tuxedo with a pencil mustache and a towel draped over one arm. "It's about time that the two of you found love, and who better to love than each other!" Discord pours us each a glass of red wine. "It's so romantic!"
"It was before you came here, Discord!" I growl. "Cheerilee and I were having a perfectly nice date with each other before you butted in!"
"Oh, TD, let's not be so angry! This is love, after all!" Discord's eyes turn into hearts, and he extends his arms far enough that he can hug both of us. I glance over at Cheerilee who, despite everything, has a slightly amused smirk on her face. "You two make such an amazing couple. Why I'll bet that you two would make the hungriest changeling hive full again!" Discord flies into the air and begins reclining on the ceiling, still grinning broadly at the two of us. "Why, your love is so strong that it inspires me! I just want to share it with everypony!"
Discord snaps his fingers again, and a flash of light appears behind me. I turn around and, to make a bad time worse, I see Celestia standing on top of my bed, an utterly bewildered look on her face. Discord giggles and extends his arms again to pick both Cheerilee and I up from our seats so that we can all face Celestia.
"Don't they look like the cutest couple, Celestia? You wanted TD to integrate into your society better and now he has!" Discord presses Cheerilee and my cheeks together and forces us to nuzzle. "Just look at how in love they are! Just look at how deep their friendship is!"
Before Celestia can say a word, Discord snaps his claws and she vanishes. It gives me enough time to try and wiggle out of his grasp, but Discord beats me to it and drops us both to the ground. I'm gonna kill him. I look around to see where Reginald is, because this calls for some decisive action.
Of course Discord isn't done. He's now floating in the air, tapping his lower jaw thoughtfully and looking down at the two of us. "Though I will say that I do spot a little problem with your relationship. I know I asked you to kiss earlier, but does that even work with one of you as a pony and the other one as this gangly pinkish white thing?"
"You wanna trade remarks about looks I can go at it with you all day, Discord," I say just as I see where Reginald is. Gotcha.
Discord scoffs and waves his paw. "Oh let's not be so serious. I'm only trying to help you." His gleeful look reappears and a light bulb literally goes on above his head. "I've got it! I know how to help you!"
I lunge for Reginald but it's too late, he's already snapped his claws again. I collide with my bed just before reaching Reginald, but I hear something that makes me not care that I didn't quite reach Reginald.
I hear Cheerilee squeak.
I quickly turn to look back at her, and gasp when I see what he's done. She's still in her cocktail dress, but now she's...
Human.
She's on two legs and trying to maintain her balance, never having walked on two legs before. Her expression is one of utter shock, though I...
Am not adverse to this particular change.
I try to stand up and walk over to her, but I find myself unable to do so as I crash to the ground the moment I try. I look down at myself and become thoroughly pissed off when I see that Discord, instead of admittedly doing both of us a favor, he's turned me into a pony. A peach furred, red maned earth pony.
And Cheerilee isn't any happier about it than I am. All trace of amusement is gone from her expression, and now she is giving Discord a glare that I would imagine that she reserves only for her very rowdiest students. She points a finger at Discord threateningly.
"Oh you are in for it now! Playtime is over, Discord!"
With that, Cheerilee begins awkwardly running over to Reginald, reaching out for it so she can finish the job that I wanted to start. Discord, rather than get the hint that he overstepped his bounds when he changed our species, snaps his claws once more. When the light fades, I'm human again and in my normal clothes, and Cheerilee a pony and isn't wearing anything again, but is still on two legs. Her eyes widen and she begins wobbling. I quickly stand up and catch her just as she begins falling. Somehow she falls just right that when I catch her it looks exactly like it does in the movies. Despite everything that is happening, she smiles lovingly at me in a sort of "my hero" kind of way. I can't help but return it as she pecks me on the cheek.
I know darned well what's going through both of our minds. We're about to beat up a chaos god, who I am beginning to doubt is really reformed. Cheerilee's expression leaves no doubt in my mind that she wants to kick his rear too. I gently set her down and we both turn to Discord, killing glares on our faces. I take a moment to grab Reginald before we start the fight though.
I am pleased to see that Discord's smile is gone. He actually, to my surprise, looks a little pensive. He's rubbing his lower jaw thoughtfully again and staring down at the two of us, not quite out of reach of Reginald. It gives me a little pause, him not laughing at us anymore.
"You really are a pair, aren't you?" he says after a few moments. "You both running to the same stick to defeat me, trying to work together to get me out of the house..." Discord sighs and slowly begins floating to the floor. "Hmm... interesting."
"Interesting?" I twirl Reginald in a threatening manner and get in a fighting stance. "What the heck is going on? Are you getting revenge for when I hit you, or something?" I relaxed my glare and my stance slightly. "Er... I did actually hit you, right?"
"Knowledge is power, TD," Discord says with a wave of his paw, "but the point of all of this was for me to test your relationship under duress, and I've made some interesting observations."
"Like what?" Cheerilee says suspiciously.
"Oh, things," Discord says with a shrug and a sigh. "You, my dear Cheerilee, could have left at any moment when things got out of hoof. Some mares would have stomped out in a huff because the date wasn't going well. Instead you stayed right with your beau and even rushed to fight with him when you felt I crossed a line." Discord's smile returned and he leaned down closer to me. "And there were a few things in there for my own personal amusement, but oh well."
"Discord..." I scoff and shake my head before pointing to my door. "Get out."
"So serious..." Discord shrugs and floats over to the door. "I just want to say that I think the two of you are going to work out. You really do love each other, don't you?"
Before either of us could say anything, the door to my house bursts open, revealing Celestia and Fluttershy. The former looks seriously pissed, and the latter has her ears flat and an uneasy smile on her face. Discord's own small smile completely falls when he sees the look of pure fury that Celestia is giving him.
Awesome.
I smile and lean Reginald against my bed before sitting down on it and patting the spot beside me so Cheerilee can be comfortable while we watch the fireworks. Discord chuckles nervously as Celestia takes a step towards him, her wings flared.
"I believe when you were reformed we set some rules, Discord," Celestia growls, venom dripping from every syllable. "And I believe you've broken a fair few of them."
"Well I don't know about that," Discord says, scratching the back of his neck uneasily. "Though maybe one or two."
"Indeed." Celestia glances back at Fluttershy. "He's in your care."
Fluttershy nods and steps inside the house where she nudges Discord's paw to get him to move. "Now Discord, we talked about this. You can't break into pony's homes to test their romantic relationships for your own amusement. It's not polite."
Discord rolls his eyes, but follows Fluttershy's promptings and floats out the door. "Yes, well, I won't do it again."
He says more to Fluttershy as they exit my house, but I really don't care enough to listen. Celestia watches the two of them go and sighs quietly when they're far enough away. "He may be reformed, TD, but every now and again he can't help himself. He has to go back to his old behavior, if only for a little while in a small way."
"Yeah, well, I guessed that he was finally getting retribution for me hitting him, or trying to hit him." I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "I can't really be sure."
"He did it for his own amusement, TD," Celestia says simply. "I'm sorry he ruined your evening."
"It's fine." I glanced over at the table where, as it turns out, the food was the only thing that was still there. I look down at Cheerilee and put an arm over her shoulders. "It's not over yet."