//------------------------------// // Rainbow Connection // Story: Room for Rent // by Drax99 //------------------------------// It was a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Damn you Mr. McFeely, now that song is going to be stuck in my head. But it was a beautiful day. I had two glorious days off, Pinkie was off visiting one of her friends, and I had plenty of uninterrupted time to clean the house and make it neat again. Living with Pinkie was never dull, but it was rather messy, and to a neat freak like me, that was stressful. Between her spontaneous redecorating, to her random parties, the house hasn't been the same since she arrived. I was growing used to it, but deep down I still didn't like it. Now it was cleaning day, and nobody, or pony, was going to get in my way! “Checklist!” Check. Pinkie had compared me to Twilight when she saw my checklist. They get stuff done, end of discussion. “Old cloths?” Check. “Gloves?” Check. “Goggles?” Check. “Vacuum with fresh bag?” Check. “miPud with a drive full of 90’s death metal?” Oh fuckin checkmate! I pulled down the goggles and surveyed my arena of battle, grinning at the task before me. “Let’s get it on!” Metal and meat thrashed together in my ears as I worked in a frenzied pace. Furniture was moved, rugs were pulled, and curtains were yanked. I even did the windows. *shudder* Soon the world blurred into a whirl of dust, cleaning solutions, and lemon fresh scent. I was a cleaning GOD! A few hours later I flopped on my couch and surveyed my accomplishments. The sun shone brightly through clean windows, the rugs were all pristine and straight, and not a spec of dust could be found anywhere. A sense of satisfaction flowed through me, as the smell of an overworked body wafted off of me. I felt as dirty as the room was clean, and I really needed a shower to finish off the day and finally relax. Plodding into the bathroom, I stripped down. Having the house to myself again felt good, and I could relax. As I stepped in front of the mirror, I flexed a bit, my tight and toned body making me grin with pride. My father had been built like a pro wrestler, and my mother looked like a fashion model, giving me a genetic advantage that meant I only had to work out twice a week at the gym to maintain my good looks. Not that it mattered too much to a nerd like me, but it didn't hurt. I turned a few heads at the beach, sure, but I usually had mine stuck too far in a book to notice. It sure did make the other stereotypical geeks jealous, and helped keep the jocks off my back in school. A quick trim of the beard, what Don loved to call the ‘Evil Twin’ goatee, and I was ready for my reward of a hot shower. Stretching the kinks out, and washing away the sweat and grime was always one of life’s simple pleasures that I indulged in, and I spent some extras time indulging. I may have even busted into song, not that I would ever admit to such. Damn it felt good to be a gangsta. Far too soon I exited the warm bliss of flowing water and toweled myself dry. A final check in the mirror showed my normal confident self, and I grinned as I exited the bathroom, and entered... Gay pride day at the Mardi Gras. “What the actual fuck is going on?” I knew how silly the question was as soon as it left my lips, but I was still shocked. My perfectly neat, clean, and orderly house had been transformed into a polychromatic warzone of color. Rainbow streamers and balloons hung across the room, as multicolored confetti and wall hangings festooned every surface. I stood in utter shock at what had happened in the all too brief time in the sanctity of my shower. “Heya Louis!” Pinkie Pie popped into my field of view, grinning maniacally as usual. “Ooh, you are looking sexy!” I was too shocked to rationalize the fact that I was wearing only a towel, and bare from the waist up. I was far too occupied with trying to retrieve my jaw from the floor where it had dropped after finding my six hours of work reduced to a rainbow extravaganza. Even the fact that I was being ogled by my roommate failed to break through my distress. It broke me, and I sank to my knees in despair. “What. The. Fuck?” I felt tears in my eyes as I gazed upon the ruin of my peaceful weekend. “Oh, I forgot to tell you! My friend, rainbow Dash changed her plans. She heard so much about you in my letters, that she decided to come visit here instead of me visiting her!” Bouncing around the room, my pink tormentor grinned happily, unfazed by my obvious distress. “Isn’t it exciting! I am so excited to have my old friend meet my new friend and then both of my friends can hang out with me and be friends!” That got my attention. “Wait, what?” I scrambled to my feet, grasping at my towel. “Another of your friends is coming here? Didn’t I tell you to warn me before inviting anyone over?” “I’m sorry, I totally forgot! I was all set to go visit her for the weekend, but then she called me and said that she was on her way here, and I didn't have time to tell you. I ran to work to get supplies so I can throw her a welcome party. When I came back you were in the shower I decorated as fast as I could.” “Dammit. All my hard work!” I whined. “You will clean up every damn speck of this mess the moment she is gone, and then me and you are going to have a serious talk.” I started to walk back towards my room when the thought struck me, “When does she arrive?” “Oh she is flying in, so she will be here any time now!” Bouncing in place, the normal grin was back as she turned to look out the window. “Bah, fine. I’m gonna get dressed and go outside then. It’s too beautiful a day, and all this color is giving me a headache.” I grumbled to myself as I retired to my bedroom, holding my towel and my dignity as best I could. Dressed and out the door, I sat on my porch awaiting my fate. If the other pony was as spastic as Pinkie, I wasn't sure I would be able to tolerate it, but if I could just keep my cool until she left, maybe me and Pinkie could salvage things. Who was I kidding, Pinkie would make it worse. IT was up to me again. Suddenly the mare in question came bolting out of the front door, and started running circles on the lawn under the large maple in the front yard. “Twitchy tail! Twitchy tail! Look out Louis, I got the twitcha-twitch!” Rolling my eyes, I started walking toward her to find out what the problem was. “Pinkie, I told you I’m not interested in your tail, so please stop being crude in public. The neighbor has already complained once.” “No, no! You don’t understand! My Pinkie Sense is telling me that something is gonna- OOF!” Suddenly cut off, the pink mare disappeared in a blur of rainbow, and reappeared against the tree. “Oh, hi Rainbow Dash!” her cheery voice rang out. “You found the address okay?” “Heya, Pinkie Pie!” A rougher voice came from the multicolored pony pile. “You always make for the softest landings.” As the two untangled themselves, two separate ponies appeared, both laughing at each other, before looking at me. I was still staring, amazed at the lack of blood from such a collision, and the resulting tumble. “So, Dashie, welcome to our home. This is my friend, Louis.  He’s my roommate.” In an overloud stage whisper, she leaned in to warn her blue friend, “Don't call him Louie, it makes him cranky.” “That’s funny, he doesn't look like a donkey.” Dash replied in a similar whisper. “I know, that’s what I said!” And once again they fell into a fit of giggles. I just rolled my eyes and crossed my arms, waiting for the childish display to end. “Louis, this is my bestest buddy, and prank mate, Rainbow Dash! She’s the fastest pegasus in Equestria. “ Grinning, Pinkie waved her friend forward. “Fastest on Earth too, y’know? Pleased to meet ya!” Giving me an appraising look, Rainbow Dash cocked an eyebrow and elbowed her friend in the ribs. “You were right Pinkie, he does have a nice butt.” This broke my cool. “What the hell? Why are you looking at my ass? I thought you were supposed to be a lesbian!” “Who the hell said I was a filly fooler? I’m too damn awesome to be munching mares all the time.” It was Dash’s turn to roll her eyes, but she didn't seem upset at my outburst. “I told Pinkie I thought you slept with females, and said everyone in Ponyville knew about it. That kinda make you a lesbian.” I presented my logical argument. “Oh silly, I never said she only slept with mares!” Pinkie bounced over and gave me a random hug, grinning back at her friend. “It’s no big deal, I actually get that alot. When I showed up in California, all these people started wanting to hang with me because of my hair. They were nice folks, and we became friends, but I found out later they all thought it was some sorta statement about being gay.” Smirking, she wiggled her tail at me. “I’m way too awesome-sexual to only stick to one gender...” turning to wink at me, she grinned again, “or one species, for that matter.” “Ooh no. Not interested. No offense, but I’m just not into ponies.” I backed up, pushing Pinkie away by demonstration. “Oh come on, don't knock it till ya try it, big fella. Everypony wants to taste the rainbow. Everypony.” Sticking her tongue out, she flicked her tail again, before turning to face me with a lecherous grin. “Yea, I heard about you and that football team. I mean, damn, the whole team?” It was my turn to grin seductively. “Naa it’s not what you think! They just helped me keep my mind off things after I caught myself winking at a cute colt at the zoo. He almost had me covered, until some kids started cheering me on and snapped me out of it.” Covering her eyes, she looked at the ground in embarrassment. “Boy was that a bad day. But I had some friends on the team, and they let me train with them for the day to keep my mind off the heat. Although, I think I may have traumatized a few of them when we tried some wrestling. Pegasai wrestling can be a bit.. aggressive.” I couldn't help but laugh at the image. “You wrestle? It’s a grappling sport, so how does that even work?” I demonstrated by wiggling my hands at her. “Oh it works better than you may think. We may not have hands, but we do have six limbs, and alot more flexibility. Traditional pegasai wrestling is done in the clouds, and you need to make your opponent submit before you fall 10,000 feet. So its be quick, or be dead.” “Awesome, I’d love to see that. I used to wrestle in high school. It helped to keep the real jocks off my ass. Well, in a manner of speaking.” I flexed a little, being proud of my rare physique. Most gamer geeks were either skinny rails, or blobs of jello. Having an awesome bod was something I had every right to be proud of, even if it did get me some unwanted attention. Cute, furry attention. “Well why not now? I’ll show you my moves, if you show me yours...” Again she winked at me in what was supposed to be a seductive manner. I ignored it, and pulled my shirt off with a grin. “Yay! Take it off Louis!” Pinkie cheered, then coughed at the dirty look I gave her. “Ahem, I mean, go to it Louis! Show Dashie what you can do!” I just chuckled, and knelt down near Dash. “So how you wanna do this, face off, or top/bottom?” “Meh, I prefer to be on top of course, handsome. But to be fair, lets face off.” Grinning, she rose onto her hind legs, and used her wings to balance as her front hooves met mine. “Okies, Pinkie. Give the go.” “Okie, Dokie! ONETWOTHREEGO!” Pinkie belted out, then lept backwards. Instantly I felt the hooves in my hands flex, trying to grip, and looking for a way to set me off balance. We both grinned at each other and tested for a weakness, but despite my bigger size, we were about equally matched in strength. Slowly I twisted my arms in a circle, expecting to find weakness in the motion range of a quadruped, but Dash managed to match my arm movements without any signs of discomfort. I then tried to lean forward to use my larger mass to off balance her, but she countered with her wings, and pushed back. At one point I almost lost my grip, as she whipped a wing forward to try tickling me, but I held fast. Suddenly, there was a shift, one foreleg went down, and I use the opportunity to roll her into a submission hold. Just as quick, she was out of it, using her wing for extra leverage to break the hold. Back again, I leaned my weight, forcing her onto her back pinning her wings under her, as my knees held her lower legs and my arms pinned her forelegs, I almost had her pinned, but her wings kept her shoulders off the ground far enough to prevent a pin, and I continued to lean my weight forward. I knew the weight on her wings at this angle had to be painful, so I was going for a submission. I could see the pain on her face as she gritted her teeth, and I leaned closer, grinning victoriously. All of a sudden, there was a movement as the blue face leaned forward and planted her lips on mine. I felt my eyes go wide in shock, as she kissed me deeply, my mouth opened in surprise, letting her tongue in to wrestle with mine. It takes me another precious moment to realize that I am being french kissed by a pony, before I freak out and pull back. That was all that is needed to break my hold, and in the next moment I am looking at the beautiful blue sky, as the air rushes out of my lungs and I go flying backwards through the air. I still can't decide what was worse, the kiss, the lost match, or the pain of landing with no air in my lungs after being mule kicked with all four hooves by a pony that had just molested me. My everything hurt. And to top it off, I was being laughed at. “Ha ha ha! That was classic! You gotta keep your eyes on the prize if you wanna win against Rainbow DOOOF!” I looked up just in time to see a pink blur slam into the triumphant flier, spinning several times, before she landed face down with Pinkie on her back holding Dash’s blue wings in some sort of submission hold. “You keep your hooves off of my man! I saw him first!” A rather scary transformation had taken over my pink roommate, as her hair had once again gone straight, and a manic gleam showed in her eyes while she inflicted pain on her friend. “Ow, Pinkie stop! UNCLE! UNCLE!” The blue mare tapped out, finally getting a reprieve from the pink psychopath. Pinkie hopped back off of the pegasus, and shook her head, causing the curls to miraculously reappear. “Oopsie, I got a little carried away. Sorry!” Giggling sweetly, Pinkie smiled at her friend, all sign of the bloodthirsty creature gone in the blink of an eye. “Seriously, Pinks. Chill out. It’s not like you haven't had your chance at the guy. “ Getting to her hooves, the blue mare tempted fate by giving me another wink. I just glared at her in return. “Seriously? Just no. Not interested. Let it go.” I replied. “No! He was my friend first, and you need to back off Dashie.” Pinkie returned, ignoring me completely. “Oh really? Why isn't he twisted around your hoof by now, hmm? I bet I could make him mine in te-” “Finish that sentence, and you will be eating your own feathers.” Back to serious, Pinkie stared her friend down. “Hello. Right here.” I replied, waving my arms. “I’m not into either of you.” “Oooh, do I sense a bit of jealousy? How about we make a bet on it?” Grinning wickedly, Dash held out a hoof. “First mare to win him over wins. And I always win.” “Not gonna happen. Don't like ponies. Got a boob fetish here! No tits, no interest, so you can both stop.” And yet they still ignored me. “You’re on! I can make him my special somepony without even trying! Then you can go back to flirting with Big Mac.” Meeting hooves, the two mares shook on the deal. At this point they were almost muzzle to muzzle, and both grinning insanely. “Bah, not gonna happen. I am gonna win. Besides, Applejack gets really scary when you try to flirt with her brother.” “For Christ’s sake, will you two just kiss and get it over with?” I cried. You could almost taste the tension in the air. Or maybe it was blood. I was definitely going to have some bruises. “Oh will you look at that, it’s working already. He wants to see two mares make out! I bet I can make him so hot he will be mine by tomorrow.” Rainbow Dash finally seemed to notice me. “Aw hell naw. I am just sick of seeing this bullshit lover’s angst. You two need to just get a room together and work out your issues. Without me.” I declared. It was really getting pretty deep, and the two were obviously working through some past relationship issues. “Face the facts, handsome. Everypony comes crawling back eventually for a taste of the sweet, sweet rainbow.” Finishing the shake, Rainbow Dash sauntered away, flicking her tail at me as she passed. “See you two tomorrow. I have some shopping to do. Nice meeting ya Louis.” As she prepared to take off, I saw her wink over her shoulder. Both winks. I turned away and shuddered as I realized she wasn't wearing any underclothes. This was gonna be a shitty two days off. After giving instructions to put the house back the way it was, and threatening to take away her coffee supply if she didn't, I left Pinkie to her work and went out find some distraction. I called Don and he agreed to meet me at a local bar, it was one of those local microbrewery places, but the beer was good and cheap. After getting a booth and ordering a round, and some grub, I looked up to see Don walking in. I waved him over, and grinned happily as my beer arrived. “Heya Louis, what's up with you today? I figured you would be enjoying your day off.” Looking around at some of the girls waiting tables, he looked back at me with a grin. “Not that this isn't enjoyable.” “I had to get outta the house before I committed equicide, and caused a diplomatic incident.” I took a long drink from my beer and sighed as my friend parsed my comment. “Wait, you and Pinkie? What’s wrong, I thought you two were tight?” Sounding almost hurt, he matched my drink. “Yea, well not just here. Now its her and Rainbow Dash.” I couldn't help but smirk as his eyes grew large and he tried not to choke on his beer. “Holy shit man, you got Rainbow Dash living with you too? My god man, you are living every brony’s dream!” “Naa, she’s just visiting for a while. First Pinkie turns my house into a gay pride explosion, and now the two of them are competing to see who can win me over. It’s just been a weird day.” I sighed again, and finished my beer in a gulp. Lucky I always order two, and I waved the waitress over for a refill. “You lucky bastard! I can't believe you haven't hit that already. If i were in your place I’d be balls deep in pink pony poon! And Dashie could make it a threesome.” Grinning lecherously, he leaned back. “You need help, dude. That's just sick.” I couldn't help but shudder at the image. “I mean for one thing, she’s not human. She’s a damn pony. I don’t care what they call it now, it’s just sick. She’s a cute kid, I love her like a little sister now, but that just makes things worse.” I swallowed more beer to wash the bad taste from my mouth. “Well so what if she isn't human? It’s two sentient, consenting adults. And if not her, why not Dashie? I bet she’s a wildcat in the sack.” He paused as the next round of drinks arrived, and I used my best fake sales smile as the cute girl took our order for food. “Hey, I overheard you saying you know a pony?” I shot Don a dirty look, then nodded to the waitress. “I love ponies, they are so cute! I used to watch the show all the time, and had all the toys. Now we have one working here, and it’s just so awesome! You must be lucky to have one as a friend.” “Yea, its a real treat living with a pink party animal. I deadpanned and looked away from the gushing woman before me. “Yea, and I was just telling him, if since he has one wanting to get into his pants, he should just go for it!” Don just smiled innocently as I facepalmed. “What the fuck? That's sick, you perverted freak. Ponies are cute innocent creatures, not some sex toy.” She grew livid, and I started to edge away. Don just sputtered. “I’ve met some real sick fucks working here, but you are the creepiest yet. I hope someone kicks your ass.” and with that, she turned and walked out. I saw her flip off the manager and yell something I couldn't make out over the music, before storming out the door. “Well done Donnie boy. You just pissed of our waitress.” Chugging the last of my beer, I stood up to leave, while a stunned Don just stared at the table. “Well, at least she didn't get to spit in our food. See ya round, Donnie.” As I walked towards the exit, I stopped at the manager and pulled out my wallet to pay. “What’s the damage?” Looking embarrassed, the manager waved me off. “No sir,  apologize for my server. It’s on the house. We keep an open mind here for people with... alternative lifestyles, and her actions are not accepted by the management.” He started to look rather uncomfortable as he swallowed nervously. “I hope that this does not effect your patronage, or that of your, uhh, partner.” “Dafuq you talkin bout?” Aww no he didn’t. “The server mentioned she didn't approve of your, um, relationship with a pony. We don't judge! It’s your business, and we appreciate your patronage!” Taking a step back, as if he may catch something, the manager just nodded and smiled nervously. Holding the bridge of my nose and shaking my head, I sighed wearily. “Look, I don't know what she heard, or what she said. I am not, never have been, nor will I ever be, a pony fucker.” I waved to the table where Don was trying to shrink down and not get noticed. “My friend over there may be, since he’s a brony. I don't know, and I don't wanna know. I have pony friends, but that's all they are. So you can tell your little miss innocent pony lover that she can eat a dick. Preferably mine, since I like to fuck cute HUMAN chicks.” “I, I...” he began to stutter, his face turning a rather unflattering purple color. “Seriously, man? Fuckit, I was joking. I ain't even mad, but I still ain't a pony fucker. So just chill out, and tell the waitress I said I was sorry for my friend. I’ll even bring my pony friend by some day to meet her, and she get all dewy eyed over her childhood fantasies.” I shrugged and turned to leave, but turned back to say, “In the meantime, I think my asshole friend over there really needs another drink.” And without another word I stalked out. I needed to find something stronger to drink myself . Everyone has their vices, some are stronger than others. Some smoke, some do drugs. I just enjoy the occasional drink. For my dad, it was whiskey; good ‘ol Jack n Coke. Myself, I agreed more with mom and her jamaican rum. And a nice bottle followed me home in the hopes of relaxing for the rest of the evening. I really should have known better. “Well hello Louis...” I heard a rather subdued voice coming from my living room. So far the house was clean, too clean. As I turned the corner, my jaw dropped. Pinkie stood in the middle of my room, which part of my brain noted was immaculately clean again, with her hair once again straightened, yet pulled into a complex knot of ribbons and sticks. She was clothed in the strangest kimono I had ever seen, cut to fit a quadruped, and yet completely modest, without the usual hospital gown ass-hanging-out that most pony clothing features. On her hooves were little slippers, and her face had the slightest touch of makeup. All she was missing was the whiteface to transform her into a little pink geisha. “I, I... watafuga?” Not my most articulate statement, but I was in a bit of brainshock. Pinkie actually looked kinda sexy. Giggling, she covered her mouth with a hoof, trying her best to look demure. It was definitely a new look for her. “I know how you like to watch those Annie Mae cartoons, so I did a little bit of research. Did I get the dress right? My mane took forever, since it doesn't like to stay straight when I am happy, and thinking of you makes me so so happy.” Finally I managed to unstick my brain, and close my eyes. When I opened them again, she was still there, chewing a lip and looking expectantly at me. Rubbing my eyes didn't help either. I did the only thing that came to mind, and turned on hardass mode. “Good job cleaning the house, Pinkie. Thank you. Now I really need to find my shot glasses.” Completely ignoring her question, I turned away, trying my damnedest to keep my face neutral. Finding the glasses where they belonged, I stiffly made my way back to the room, and collapsed onto the couch. I downed two shots before I even looked back at Pinkie. “So do you like it? I did it especially for you.” She was still standing in the same spot, worrying a hole in the rug with a hoof, and not looking directly at me. “It’s really nice Pinkie. You would be a hit at the anime conventions. It doesn't hurt that many of them are bronies too, I hear.” Still trying to keep my voice neutral, I let the alcohol do it’s work. “Oh you really think so? ‘Cause I really had a fun time making it, although the hair was the hardest part. It really makes me feel pretty though, and I kinda understand a bit why Rarity is always dressing up.” Her normal clipper attitude started to creep back into her voice as she seemed to take my stiff compliment at face value. “The only bad thing is I can't move very fast in this, which explains why the girls wearing them were always shuffling around so much. But if you like it, it was all worth it.” as she finished, she shuffled next to me and sat on the couch. I almost flinched, but the booze was doing it’s thing and I was able to mask my reaction in time. I followed up with another drink, and realized I was still staring straight ahead. To mask my behavior, I turned on the TV. the uncomfortable silence continued, until I noticed from the corner of my eye that Pinkie was staring at the floor, looking rather rejected. I reached over and started to pet her, scritching behind her ears the way she loves. Hell, I’d be happy too if someone scritched my ears. With a sigh she leaned against me, and I could feel her smile radiating like a warm fire. I felt a bit guilty at indulging her like this, but another shot of rum helped with that. Soon enough, the not so soft snores let me know it was my time to leave, and I gently lowered her to the couch, covering her with the blanket I kept across the back. As I turned to leave, I stopped to gaze at her smiling in her sleep, and felt all the worse for knowing I could never give her what she wanted. I held up the bottle or rum, seeing a quarter of it was already gone, and sighed. “Looks like it’s me and you tonight, old friend.” And with one more weary sigh, I trudged off to my room, leaving a muttering pink pony asleep on the couch. The next morning afternoon dawned bright and painful. I was finally awakened by the smell of food and the pain of a full bladder. As I stumbled into the bathroom, I passed the half empty bottle of rum I had cuddled with the night before, and shook my head in regret. That was another painful mistake. Once again I stared at my disheveled appearance and bloodshot eyes and asked myself why I ever touched alcohol. Of course, all of this pain would be forgotten the next time I felt up to drinking, and the cycle would begin anew. One shower later, I was feeling slightly more human, and ready to face the day. Barring that, I was at least coherent enough to find a way to hide from the day instead. But the siren song of food lured my stomach into the open and I made my way to the kitchen. I had grown used to Pinkie’s wonderful home cooking, and the bacon incident aside, our breakfast meals were often something to look forward to. Needless to say, I was more than a little shocked to find Pinkie nowhere to be found. Instead, there was a rather bored looking pegasus sitting at the table tapping a hoof, until she saw me enter and jumped up to curtsey before me. “Good morning, Master Louis! I have prepared your breakfast, and stand ready to serve you.” I once again was stunned, as the bright, brash pony I had first met was now wearing what could only be described as the sexiest French maid outfit I had ever seen. t was all black and white lace, fitting her like a second skin and flaring with frills along her back end. Her rainbow hair was braided and coiled tightly against the back of her head, where a small black and white lace hat was pinned. That left the details of blush, lipstick and what appeared to be eye liner, with a feather duster tucked under one wing that seemed to be made from her own feathers. As I continued to stare in shock, the blush was replaced with a real one as she started to fidget under my gaze. “What the fuck?” Was all I could get out, but it was enough to break the staring match and cause her to look away. “Uhh, too much? I wasn't sure about the makeup. Not alot goes well with blue, so I had to improvise.” She blushed harder and cleared her throat. “Naw, its nice. It’d just... different.” I replied lamely, as I took my seat. “So you cooked all this for me?” “Oh hay no! I can barely boil water. I had Pinkie help me before she left for the day. I helped her with her outfit yesterday, so today is my turn.” Her demure act quickly shattered, and the normal brash attitude came back into play. “So you hungry? I have been waiting for you to get up, and I’m starved!” Clearing her throat, she tried to regain the act, “I mean, if you are ready, Master Louis?” The eye flutter was too much and I chuckled as I took my seat. The fare was bacon, eggs, and some golden home fries. Thankfully I had managed to get it through to Pinkie that hay was not acceptable on my menu. Dash piled her plate high, avoiding the bacon I noticed, before looking at me and making my plate. She carefully placed it in front of me, and then poured my coffee with a smile and a wink. I had done my research and gotten over my fear of contagion by ponies carrying things in their mouths, but it still make me squirm a bit. Dash then slid back into her seat across from me and waited impatiently for me to eat first. I stared at her for a bit, as her brittle smile fluctuated, and her eyes kept drifting to the food. She seemed to be waiting for me to eat first, so I obliged. “Dig in.” I smiled, getting a grin in return. “Don’t mind if I do!” And with a fervor that made Pinkie look modest, she dived nose first into her plate, while I ate using my fork at a more sedate pace. Soon both plates were clean, Dash’s by her tongue, until she caught me staring and dropped the plate with a nervous laugh. “Eheh, sorry. I really miss Pinkie’s cooking. “It’s cool, I have gained a few pounds myself since she moved in.” And with a stretch, I let forth a mighty belch, making her laugh. I left her to attend to the dishes, at her insistence, and made my way back to the couch. The remote was in my hand, and a warm glow on my belly as I saw black and white drift into the room. “So. Um, is there anything I can get you, Master Louis? I am at your command, as your loyal maid for the day.” More eyelashes fluttering, and a wiggle of the ribbon-bound tail followed. “Yea, can ya get me a beer from the fridge?” I decided to play it cool. Perhaps I could have some fun with this, and get some free housework out of the deal. With a wiggle and a smile, she disappeared into the kitchen, soon to return with a beer held by a wing. A quick twist of the hoof had the top off and beer in my hand. Mighty useful, I thought. “Well now that you have your belly full, are there any more services that I can perform for you, master? Her voice grew almost hoarse in its attempt at huskiness, as she slid up next to me. A wing tentatively reached out to stroke my back in a way that I most likely aroused other ponies, but for me is was just kinda relaxing. I wasn't gonna complain. Finally the slow lick of her lips was the last straw and I couldn't keep a straight face any longer. “Look, Rainbow Dash, I’m sorry, but I just can't do this.” I shrugged off her wing, and scooted away from her. “I have tried to tell you and Pinkie, I am just not attracted to ponies, and all this...” I waved at the outfit, “Is just making you look slutty and foolish.” “Your mind’s telling you no, but your body! Your body’s telling you yeees!” With a flair of her wings, she started singing into the feather duster, before licking her lips and blowing a kiss at me. I cringed at her rough voice mangling the words to the song. “You did not just try to sing S. Kelly! Seriously, just no. Stop singing, and stop trying to seduce me.” With a sigh, the pegasus pulled the hat off her head and tossed the duster on the floor, staring at it for a moment before answering. “I shoulda known this wasn't gonna work. All this seduction horseapples is more Rarity’s thing, not mine. I’m more of a charge in and up front kinda mare.” Turning to me with a smirk, she cocked an eyebrow at me. “So, wanna bang?” “No. Hell no. Not even remotely interested.” I sighed again and turned away. “Look, no offense, but the thought of screwing a pony is about as attractive to me as screwing a dog would be to you.” “Hey! Who told you about that? It was only one time, I was seriously wasted, and there was a bet involved. I think. Things were kinda fuzzy after the fifth cider.” she looked away, blushing. I stared at her, and deadpanned, “Wat.” “Oh I thought you were talking about diamond dogs. You meant... ew? Okay, I see your point.” She rubbed the back of her neck in embarrassment. “Do you really not like ponies that much? I mean you live with one, who is the friendliest pony I know.” “It’s not that I don't like you, it’s just that I don't like you that way. I honestly don’t see what you or her see in me either. I mean, to you I must look like some freaky shaved ape. What’s the appeal?” I threw up my arms and rolled my eyes. “Well you gotta understand, we come from a place where there are dozens of intelligent races, all who can talk to and relate with one another. I guess we are a bit more open minded.” She threw up her own hooves at me, “Hell I used to date a griffon, for Celestia’s sake! A friggin Griffon! They used to eat ponies back in the dark ages.” “Wow, that's some hardcore predator/prey kink going on there.” I grimaced at the thought of possible kids. “Tell me about it. It was fun at first, but she started to get a bit too... Alpha for my tastes, if you know what I mean.” I just nodded sagely, having known a few aggressive females in my time. Thankfully I wasn't their type. “Let’s just say, thank Celestia for healing potions.” I shook my head as she unconsciously rubbed her back with a wing as if remembering an old wound. With a sigh, she got off the couch and turned to face me. “It’s okay, man. I understand. To be honest, you really aren't my type either, but I just couldn't resist a challenge.” With a grin, she held out a hoof. “No hard feelings?” I took the hoof firmly, and shook it with a grin. “None at all. You are pretty cool, Dash.” “Are you kidding? I’m featherin’ AWESOME!” Suddenly she leaned forward and gave me a quick peck on the lips. “You are pretty awesome yourself, big fella. But just so you know, I really hate losing, so you owe me one!” I couldn't help but grin as she turned away, before looking back over her shoulder. “If you ever change your mind about Ponies, gimme a call.” And with a flick of her tail and a flash of pink, I heard the now familiar pop, letting me know that she still wasn't wearing her pony thong. “Eeew! Gross, put some friggin pants on, dammit!” In a flash she was gone, leaving only her fading laughter behind her. The next day, all three of us were at the door to wish Rainbow Dash off. It was a cheerful event, since Dash had forfeited the bet, an Pinkie was the de facto winner. She did leave me with a warning however, about the stubbornness of earth ponies, and the determination of Pinkie Pie in particular. “What Pinkie wants, Pinkie gets. Be it a friend, a treat, or vengeance. Just watch your back, and don't break her heart. I don't wanna have to go looking for your corpse to rough it up if you do.” I quickly turned to look at a happily smiling Pinkie Pie, standing out of earshot. The worry on my face must have shown, sending Dash into a laughing fit. “I’m just messin with ya, Louis. She’s harmless, and sweet, just like her cupcakes.” Giving me a playful punch in the arm she grinned at me, which made it creepier when she continued with a smile, “I'm serious though, don't hurt her.” The last delivered in a whisper through smiling teeth. And in a flash she was gone again. Turning back to Pinkie, I had only a moment to brace myself before being tackle-hugged to the ground. “Yay, I win! That means you are all mine again!” “No.” I said firmly. “Awww, you’re no fun. Can’t we pretend, just for one day?” She once again tried the ridiculous puppy eyes, which only made me laugh as they always did. “Okay, fine. You keep the house clean for a week, and you can pretend to be my girlfriend for the rest of the day. But no sex!” I shuddered, starting to have second thoughts already. “Yay! I’m gonna be the best special somepony you ever had!” and to prove it, I received another rib cracking hug. Surprisingly the day went by rather easily, with Pinkie acting no different than normal. Well, normal for Pinkie, anyway. She seemed content just to know she was my girlfriend, if only for a day. And I got a week’s worth of free labor. Win-win in my book! That still didn't help me sleep at night as I was tormented by dreams of a straight-haired Pinkie Pie wearing a french maid outfit, and chasing me with a feather duster made from a plucked Rainbow Dash.