Elementals of Harmony

by FanOfMostEverything


Cleanup Step

The guard directly in front of Ditzy examined the area, then jerked his head at two of his comrades. They took off, leaving three around the mare and her daughter. He then flared his wings, audibly slicing the air. "On your belly. Wings spread and on the ground."

The grey mare felt her jaw work, so many different responses warring for expression that she was stunned into silence.

Dinky was not so disabled. She dashed between the two adult ponies, crying, "We didn't do anything wrong!"

The armored pegasus remained implacable. "The innocent have nothing to fear. On your belly. Do not channel your magic."

Ditzy found her voice. "She's just a foal!"

He took a step forward. "If you choose not to comply, I am authorized to physically force you to do so."

The planeswalker snorted and flared her own wings, producing two small thunderclaps. Lightning crackled amidst her plumage. Her rage threatened to boil over onto anypony nearby who wasn't her foal. She locked gazes with the fool who dared to threaten her precious Muffin and—

"Stand down, you foals! It is only thanks to these ponies' efforts that you still draw breath!"

The guards stared at the bombastic alicorn for a moment, martial resolve giving way to naked fear. Their wills snapped like dry twigs:

"Red Door! Red Door!"

"Evacuate!"

"This is not a drill!"

Amidst the panicked flapping, the princess groaned and looked to Ditzy. "I'm still Nightmare Moon, aren't I?"

The pegasus tittered, electrical fury forgotten in her surprise. "I'm afraid so, Your Highness."

The dread mare rolled her eyes and shrank into Luna's moderately less intimidating form. "I'm going to have to bear that in mind in the future. The diplomatic consequences alone could be disastrous."

The blonde shrugged. "I don't know. 'Give us what we want or suffer everlasting night' seems like a fairly solid foreign policy to me."

The princess smirked. "Then let us be thankful that we do not toil under the iron hoof of Empress Ditzy."

The two shared a laugh. As their mirth abated, the grey mare noted, "Seriously, you should probably stop them before the entire country starts panicking."

"On it."

A pitch black sphere expanded into existence before them, disgorging the frightened guards in short order. All three scrambled to their hooves, the one who'd locked wills with Ditzy catching sight of Luna in the process. "Your Highness!" he blurted. "You're not evil anymore!"

"Evil?" echoed Luna. "Ms. Doo, would you say that I've been evil today?"

The planeswalker kept an admirably straight face. "That's a rather subjective matter, wouldn't you agree, Your Majesty?"

The alicorn nodded in concession. "Hmm, true." She turned back to the armored pegasus. "Tell me, Lieutenant Zeal, precisely what malfeasance did I exhibit earlier?"

The hapless guardspony struggled for words before refocusing on the blonde mare. "Your Highness, I must ask that you step aside. We need to detain this pony for questioning."

"No you don't."

The stallion paused to process this. "With all due respect, Milady—"

"If you were showing me all due respect, you would not be questioning my direct orders."

"But—"

"Technically, you shouldn't even be making eye contact with me, but it is my understanding that certain social mores have been relaxed over the past millennium."

Desperation crept into Zeal's voice. "Princess, we have direct orders from your sister to investigate this disturbance and to apprehend those responsible."

Luna shrugged. "Tell her it was an act of fate."

The white stallion took in the unconscious Elements of Harmony, the oh-so-arrestable pegasus, the frightened filly who'd obviously been coerced into aiding the villain... "An act of fate, Your Highness?"

The alicorn nodded. "Act of fate."

The lieutenant opened his mouth to object further, but one of his comrades spoke first. "You heard the Princess, Z. Act of fate."

"Can't arrest destiny," noted the third member of Canterlot's finest.

"Y'know, I heard somepony tried once. Wasn't pretty."

The crestfallen guard managed to squeeze into the conversation. "But—"

"C'mon, Z. We've got a debriefing to get to."

"Yup, no sense in making Celestia worry over nothing."

The trio took off to reconnoiter with their fellows, one more hesitantly than the others. Ditzy quirked an eyebrow. "Not to sound ungrateful, but 'act of fate'?"

Luna nodded. "The Full Arcane Temporaspacial Enforcement Act clearly designates today's events as outside the Royal Guard's jurisdiction."

"So whose jurisdiction are they?"

"Mine."

"Gah!" Ditzy leapt a few yards before turning to glare at— "Lyra?"

The unicorn saluted. "Agent Lyrical Heartstrings, Office of Parallel Realities, Department of Quantum Affairs, Space Division of the Equestrian Time-Space Administration Bureau." She smirked. "Also known as the ETSAB."

"Every aspect of our world is overseen by sapient life," noted Luna. "Weather, the turning of the seasons, the plants and animals. Causality and the cosmos are no different, save that they are vastly more necessary and vastly more dangerous if mismanaged or left uncontrolled."

"I... You..." Ditzy took a breath as she sorted out the countless questions that came to mind. "So where were all the special agents while I was risking my tail and my foal?"

"There are currently only four ETSAB agents in Ponyville," answered Lyra. "Both members of the Time Division are on a case elsewhen in history and the other member of the Space Division is still in the womb."

The pegasus resisted the urge to ask for elaboration. Something told her that further inquiry along those lines would only make for more confusion. "As for you?"

"Eh heh..." The mint-green mare awkwardly rubbed a cannon with the other foreleg. "Well, you have to understand, this is some really confidential stuff. The only reason we're even talking about this in the open is because the town's been evacuated. It's like I said back at the Boutique; my job's a secret even to me. Well, most of the time. I have to be activated by either circumstance or posthypnotic cue. In this case, it was the generosity elemental spitting me out of its hivemind."

"And after that?"

Lyra glared at Ditzy. "I was making sure that time stop of yours wouldn't make anything worse."

"Oh." The blonde gave a nervous chuckle. "Oops... So why are you telling me all of this?" Something clicked. "This is a job offer, isn't it?"

The unicorn nodded. "Celestia knows how short-handed we are—"

"As do I," noted Luna.

"...anyway, I know Extraplanar Affairs would love to have someone like you on board."

Ditzy felt like she could be knocked over with a feather. "How did you..."

"When on a moment's notice you cast a spell that even Star Swirl needed a week to prepare for, it's kind of a tipoff. Especially when you do it without a horn."

"Oh. Right."

Lyra grinned and held out a foreleg. "So? What do you say?"

"Um... But..." After the day's events, Ditzy struggled with this latest unexpected development. "I'm the only mailpony in Ponyville," she protested lamely.

The spearmint mare shrugged. "It's only on an as-needed basis. Heck, sometimes I go months between assignments."

Luna bore a distant look. "You're really the only postal worker for the entire town?"

"Yeah."

The alicorn snorted in indignation. "This is a travesty! To think that one of the most fundamental components of civil service would be reduced to this hollow mockery, this skeletal sham, and within sight of Canterlot, no less! As Mother as Our Witness, this shall not stand!"

"What's with her?" Lyra whispered.

Ditzy held back a laugh. "If I remember correctly, she's the one who came up with the idea of the postal system in the first place."

"Huh. So, you interested in the ETSAB?"

"Um..."

The unicorn smiled. "I understand, it's a big decision. If you want, you can be registered as a consultant. You'll basically get to choose how involved you want to get."

"I think that would be best."

Dinky chose then to speak up. "Does this make Mommy a secret agent?"

Lyra ruffled her mane. "Depends. Can you keep a secret?"

"...with an anvil!" concluded Luna. She noted the blank looks on the other ponies and grinned sheepishly. "I suppose I went on a bit of a tangent. My apologies."

Ditzy straightened herself. This was a monumental choice, and she wanted to recognize it as such. "Your Majesty, I would be honored to be a member of the Bureau, but given my responsibilities, I must ask that I only take on a consulting role for now."

The princess nodded. "Entirely reasonable. Agent Heartstrings, I trust you can coordinate the necessary logistics?"

"Of course, Your Majesty."

A thought struck the pegasus. "What about Pinkie Pie? She's a planeswalker too."

Lyra burst into laughter at this. Once she collected herself, she explained, "Sorry, sorry. It's just that Anomalous Affairs has had a subcommittee entirely devoted to Pinkie for the past five years or so. If we recruit her, those poor guys would probably go apoplectic."

"Furthermore," added Luna, "Celestia and I have agreed that none of the Elements should be involved in the more... covert aspects of the kingdom."

Ditzy took this in for a moment "Huh. Well, I guess that clears up everything except for one question."

The alicorn gave a slight frown. "And that would be?"

The planeswalker gestured towards the still prone Bearers. "What are we going to do with them?"


Celestia considered both the news and its reporter. "An act of fate, you say?"

"Yes, Your Majesty," grumbled a kneeling Shining Zeal.

She nodded. "Well, that's that then."

The guardspony's head bolted up in disbelief. "Your Majesty?"

The princess met him with a questioning look. "You have done your duty and assuaged my concerns, Lieutenant. What more is there?"

Humility and curiosity warred in the stallion's mind. "But, but I..."

"Yes?"

"But that's just what your sister told me to tell you!" Zeal covered his mouth, horrified by the slip.

The alicorn seemed no more interested than before. "Oh? Well, then you have performed a duty to each of us. Well done, Lieutenant."

"But I don't know what actually happened!"

"I assure you, Shining Zeal, our top ponies will be investigating the matter."

The pegasus pondered this for a moment. "But, Your Majesty, who?"

"Top. Ponies." Celestia magically lifted and unrolled a scroll, then looked back at the guard with a hint of surprise. "You are dismissed, Lieutenant."

"I..." Whatever Zeal was going to say, he though better of it. Instead, he knelt and answered, "Understood, Your Majesty."

The day princess allowed herself a slight smile as the stallion left the chamber. Shining Zeal obviously didn't understand the situation, at least not beyond "The princess has declared the matter closed," but that was good enough for him. As his name implied, the guard was noble and devoted, but had almost no sense for the finer points of politics. Celestia wished the same could be said of more ponies.

Alas, subterfuge was as much a part of her reign as was moving the sun. At least Luna's return had brought back the sister that savored that sort of intrigue, but she couldn't shoulder it all alone. And on that note...

With a theatrical sigh, the alicorn said, "You can come out now."

Two ponies materialized before her, each offering a deep nod. Etiquette was not a major concern for them. How could it be? Officially, they didn't exist. The unicorn, an ash-grey mare with an auburn mane and a domino mask cutie mark, spoke first. "Wasn't satisfied. Might suspect."

Celestia stifled a snicker. "Zeal? Unless it's a criminal matter, he's almost adorably naïve. He wouldn't suspect Blueblood's lineage of being anything but the purest truth."

"Are you sure?" checked the other, a midnight-blue pegasus stallion with sable mane and a heart under a magnifying glass on his flank. "It could be a put-on."

The princess gave him a flat look. "It may no longer be practical for me to meet every one of my ponies personally, Dashing Rogue, but I still make the effort with the Royal Guard. I know that stallion better than he knows himself. He is no concern of yours."

Rogue nodded again. "As you say, Princess."

Celestia changed the subject, knowing that she would get no further with him. "Cloaking Dagger, what can you tell me about the incident?"

The unicorn pawed at the carpet. "...not much."

"Oh?" encouraged the alicorn.

"Big fight. Nopony got close. Too scared. Too conspicuous with town empty." Dagger offered an unsure smile. "Talk of hazard pay."

"Well, 'not much' isn't nothing. What do you have?"

"Some still in town at time. Elements. Doos. Luna. ETSAB mare."

The alicorn nodded. "That confirms it, then. It would appear that I have an appointment to make. And it has been some time since I last spoke with Inner Core..." She briefly brought her attention back to her spymasters (and that's what they are, she thought to herself, no matter how many pretty terms you invent for them.) "You may go."

The duo padded out, eerily silent for ponies, even on soft carpet. Rogue spread a wing over Dagger, bringing her a bit closer, and they vanished from sight. Celestia waited until she could no longer sense them before reflecting more deeply on the matter.

Once she was alone with her thoughts, she reviewed the past... had it really been less than an hour? That humiliating audience with poor Slide Rule seemed ages ago. She'd hastily cancelled the remainder of the Morning Court, citing ancient emergency clauses that had sent scholars of law poring through the Canterlot Archives. Then, with the same abruptness with which it had appeared, the tumorous glob of magic in Ponyville had vanished.

Celestia hadn't trusted the apparent miracle, so she took a look for herself. She rarely used the power of solar scrying, mainly because she found the idea of leering down at her people like a warden monitoring a prison distasteful. Here, however, it had easily revealed the deception. While the town seemed fine at first glance, the ponies anxiously milling about the city limits didn't mesh with the cheerful activity within. Less than a minute of careful observation proved that Ponyville was on a loop, yet the alicorn couldn't pierce the illusion. She'd dispatched the Guard to investigate, including a few members of her less publicized forces, and now here she was.

The princess sighed. After a millennium of careful scrutiny, not being sure what was going on elicited an odd blend of anxiety and novelty. She supposed she would have to wait until Luna deigned to tell her what had happened. This prompted a snicker, which was allowed to run free. Oh yes, little sister would find that all too amusing...


"Ugh..." Twilight winced as she grudgingly regained consciousness. "Worst. Dream. Ever."

"I quite agree. Tea?"

"Yes." She eagerly took the proffered caffeine, draining the cup before noticing who'd given it to her. "Trixie!?"

The other unicorn smiled. "Good afternoon, Twilight."

The lavender mare set down the teacup, thankful that in her drowsy state she'd used hooves rather than magic, and thus hadn't let it drop in her shock. As she did so, she examined her unexpected caretaker's coat. It was almost impossible to make out poison joke's telltale rash against the already blue hair. "Wh-what brings you here?" asked the Bearer, a wooden smile nailed to her face.

Trixie couldn't help it. She began laughing uproariously at the other mare's discomfort. "Oh, relax. I solemnly swear that I'm not in love with you, madly or otherwise." This elicited a fresh peal of laughter.

Twilight noted an unexpected ambivalence in her reaction and filed it away for future analysis. "Okay, if you aren't here to... court me, then what brings you to Ponyville? And my bedroom?"

The silver-maned pony feigned surprise. "Why, Miss Sparkle! Surely you haven't forgotten that my mentor is gracing this modest hamlet with her presence?"

"Your mentor?"

"Princess Luna."

Twilight's reaction was like an explosive with a long but unseen fuse. For a time, nothing seemed to happen. Then she burst into action, sending her sheets flying. "Omigosh! The princess! What time is it? Who has she met? Has anypony offended her? Has she banished anypony to the sun? Oh, if her sister's upset, Princess Celestia will never forgive me! Where is she? I have to try to salvage this!"

"You have no reason to be so concerned, Twilight Sparkle." Both unicorns beheld the night princess. "I have had a most enjoyable time in Ponyville this day."

The purple mare slumped in relief. "Oh, thank goodness."

One nagging thought finally got through her drowsiness and panic. "Wait a second." She turned to Trixie. "How could you agree about the unpleasant nature of my dream? It would be understandable if you simply sympathized, or even said you were sorry, though you obviously weren't responsible for it. But you explicitly said 'I agree.' Why?"

The showmare didn't respond at first. After a nod from Luna, she asked, "What do you remember?"

Twilight brought a hoof to her forehead as she concentrated. "I was performing my usual Thursday instrument calibrations when the ultra-wide angle thaumoscope detected a strange flux in the universal magical background energy, one I'd never seen before. Further research indicated that that particular pattern was unprecedented in all of recorded history. The only clue I could find was a vague allusion to a 'time of chaos' in Origins and Eschatologies.

"I tried to find a way to counterbalance the shift, to superimpose a mirror waveform to restore equilibrium. Then a second flux developed, almost exactly what I needed. I just had to adjust it a little, guide it to fulfill the purpose it needed to. Then... then..."

She shook her head. "No, that couldn't have been real!" She started to laugh. "I mean, really? Pegasi casting spells? Nightmare Moon reappearing?" The laughter grew hysterical. "Paralyzing my friends? Wanting to do horrible things to a mother and her child!? Willing to break the world apart if it means I win?!? That wasn't real!!! That couldn't be real!!! Right!??! Right?!?!?"

Wings and warmth enfolded her. Somehow, the comforting gesture removed any possibility of denial. Twilight began to sob into Luna's side. "How?" the unicorn pleaded. "How do you deal with the guilt?"

"You learn from it, so you never make the same mistakes again. You spend every day trying to earn the forgiveness you may never feel you deserve. And you hope with all your heart that one day ponies will look at you and not see the monster you became." Trixie gave a weak chuckle. "At least, that's what Luna told me."

Twilight ducked under the princess's wing, looking at the other unicorn in a new light. "Trixie..."

Rarity's voice cut in in midsentence. "—ving a private moment!"

All three turned to see Rainbow Dash halfway through an open window. "Forget that! I could hear Twilight crying in there! You can't expect me to just sit back and let her beat herself up over something that wasn't even her fault!" The pegasus noticed that she'd been noticed, among other things. "Aw, you two weren't gonna make out, were you? 'Cause if you were, I owe AJ ten bits."

Trixie flushed, almost turning purple. "Why of all the tactless, immature, inconsiderate—"

She was drowned out by Twilight's laughter. The lavender mare beamed at her winged friend, still chuckling a bit. "Thank you, Dash."

The speedster posed proudly. "Heh. You're welcome." She paused for a moment, noticing a disconnect. "Um, for what?"

"For being you."

Rainbow considered this, shrugged, and took it. Hay, gratitude was gratitude. Who cared about the details?

"Is everypony outside?" asked Twilight.

"Yup. We were gonna throw you a 'Feel Better' party, but a certain Miss Prissypants decided it wouldn't be 'polite' and 'proper' to 'intrude on such highly personal matters.'" The heavy use of air quotes made the spectrum-maned mare's opinion on the matter clear.

Celestia's student sniffled and smiled. "You know, I think a party is exactly what I need." She turned to the room's other occupants. "You're both invited, of course."

Trixie demurred. "I... I don't know. I mean, with my history—"

"Nonsense!" boomed Luna. "We will both be overjoyed to attend! Let us make merry and leave angst to another day!"

"Great!" Dash cheered. "I'll go tell the others." She made to leave, but remembered a minor detail. "Oh, and you may want to unlock the door. Pinkie's gonna get through regardless, but..."

Twilight wiped away the last of her tears. "Right." She wasn't all better. She wasn't sure if she ever really could be. But she had friends that were there for her no matter what, and it seemed that she had even more on the horizon. That was a magic that could do anything. Without shattering the universe.


The sound of Pinkie Pie blowing her nose echoed through the library. "So touching..."

Commodore Guff shrugged. "I found it rather saccharine, to say nothing of how erratic the overall tone of the chapter was."

The pony harrumphed. "Well I'm going to be living this story in a few thousand years and I think it was very sweet."

"Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy a happy ending. This one just felt... unsatisfying. Like there should be more there."

"Well of course there's more there, silly."

The human-shaped 'walker impatiently waved this off. "Yes, yes, I know. No story is ever truly complete. I taught you that, after all."

"No, I mean we haven't read the epilogue!" Sure enough, there were a few pages left in the book.

"Oh. I suppose we haven't."

Pinkie hefted a pile of notebooks and loose pages, some apparently taken out of page-a-day calendars. "And after that, there's a bunch of side stories and omakes and stuff!"

Guff gave his own harrumph. "That's hardly in continuity."

"Neither's the whole story!"

"...point. Do you want to read this next part, or shall I?"

Pinkie pushed the book towards him. "I just finished. Now it's your turn!"

"Very well." Guff cleared his throat and adjusted his monocle. "Epilogue: It Never Fails..."


Fourth Wall Breach 1BB
Sorcery
Search your library for a silver-bordered card, reveal it, and put it into your hand. Then shuffle your library.
"Oh, hi! Having fun? What're you gonna look for? I hope you get your favoritest card! Unless this is your favoritest card, in which case, congratulations!"
—Pinkie Pie, Element of Laughter