DISCLAIMER: This has nothing to do with Mare Do Well, I'm not the one who titles this crap.
Large dead animals crashed loudly against the ship's hull. Large waves rocked its content to-and-fro. Today was a dark to to be the captain of the S.S Internet.
Captain Walburger had just removed himself from his sleeping quarters where he had been fighting a ferocious bear stealing his lucky charms. Since he was officially the best noun in existence the bear stood no chance. Walburger casually stretched as if he had just awoken from a pleasant nap.
“Done fighting bears sir?” a nearby shipmate asked.
“No,” the captain looked deep within the horizon as if he was in deep thought. “Deep down inside we’re all fighting evil bears.”
The shipmate joined him, both stared into the horizon looking for answers. “On the subject of the ponies we’re shipping.”
“Is there something wrong?” the captain's patients quickly wore for the shipmate had interrupted his internal monologue narrating himself as the greatest thing in existence.
“One of them is growing lettuce. LOL”
“Lead me to this criminal.”
The shipmate motioned him in the direction of their precious cargo. They shared the boat with an abortion clinic so it wasn't out of the ordinary to have to step over a dead fetus or two every couple of feet. Everyone held little sympathy for them since a string of genetic code revealed they’d grow up saying “swag” and playing Call of Duty excessively.
Passing many things that would make any sane man question his existence, they began approaching the lower decks.
“What’s that sound?” The captain explicitly heard a loud slapping noise emanating from their destination.
“It’s a sad fap sir.” The shipmate elaborated.
“What?”
“Well, half the crew is shamefully jerking of to the ponies we’re shipping.”
“And the other half?”
“Same thing, just without the shame.”
“So who’s sailing the ship?”
“Child molesters,” the shipmate’s elaboration really cleared up a few things the captain had on his mind since he’d never once touched the wheel of this cruiser.
They stopped in their tracks at a door labeled: Beware of Piñatas. A brigade of odd slapping noises emitted from the door.
“If I were Cleverbot, I’d almost be surprised.” The captain kicked the door causing It to fly off its hinges revealing an empty room, besides the various caged candy colored ponies of course.
“Where are all the crewmates?” Walburger asked in confusion.
“They’re dead yet their fap lives on.” The shipmate switched on his proton pack fearing the worst. This explanation didn't surprise the captain for he has had first-hand experience of this anomaly at his grandma’s funeral.
“Which one of you is growing organics in the bowels of my ship?” The captain yelled angrily. A young filly by the name Applebloom raised her left hoof to confess her crimes.
“Thou shall not grow vegetables ‘til the moon shines through thy window!” Like any sensible tyrant would do, he cracked a whip to strike fear into his prisoners.
With these ludicrous rules in place, no pony was able to farm. Since these rules were made by the royal sisters themselves, they were quickly assassinated and replaced with Morgan Freeman, thus beginning a war that no pony would soon forget.