//------------------------------// // It Ain't Easy Being Breezies // Story: A Dream // by totallynotabrony //------------------------------// As far as lives go, drunk and covered in hookers is not a bad way to end one. That was the first thought that greeted me as I woke up on the couch in the Ponyville library tree. My life on Earth was effectively over and now I only had Equestria to look forward to. I sat up and sighed heavily, putting my head in my hooves. I wasn’t hungover, but I had a lot to take in. I’d effectively made my final jump, and would do no more visits outside this particular universe. End of the line, last stop. Enjoy the rest of your life. So, faced with the prospect of creating a fresh existence, and not having had a drink that morning, I got up and went to find the tequila. I wasn’t exactly sure if I could do this sober. On the way, however, I got sidetracked and suddenly found myself with Twilight & Co. outside in the street waiting for the Breezies to show up. I honestly don’t know how that happened. Like I said, I hadn’t yet had a drink that morning. A mariachi band was playing and the street was crowded with ponies. Rarity wore a glittering cloak that required sunglasses to look at properly. Seemed like a lot of trouble to go to for a group of insects. I mean, Changelings were Godless bug-Communists and we didn’t go to that kind of trouble for them. I was standing there pining for a drink when Fluttershy began speaking. “Okay everypony, as you know, the adorable creatures known as Breezies are about to come through Ponyville.” I raised a hoof. “Why do I care?” “Well, they’re small and cute and lovely, plus they are on a mission to carry pollen from our world back to theirs. It’s very important that we help them by providing breezes to activate their magic so they can return through the portal before the pollen goes bad.” “So let me get this straight: there’s a portal out there that nobody told me about. On top of that, for some reason we’re providing artificial assistance to a species that can’t properly help itself. Sounds like unnatural selection at work. And Fluttershy, isn’t it already bad enough to be forcing bears, rabbits, and whatever else you keep at your place to live together and not eat each other?” “Um, well…” Fluttershy faltered. “I meant to get all this planned out already, but I didn’t get a chance to visit with the Breezies when I was in the hospital.” Twilight jumped in. “Come on, Valiant. The Breezies are small and so cute. Let’s just help them out.” I turned to her. “So we help them because they’re cute? Basically the Rarity strategy?” Rarity looked equal parts pleased and insulted, which is what I was going for. Before I could go on, however, a cloud of Breezies began to appear on the horizon. The air grew thick with them as they swept over Ponyville, the fluttering of their gossamer wings and colorful bodies gently maneuvering in the air. “Didn’t the residents of Ponyville learn a lesson about swarms in the past?” I said. “I thought it had been made pretty clear that we don’t put up with swarms.” Lost in awe at the fluttering Breezies, everybody ignored me. I muttered under my breath and pushed my way through the crowd back to the library. I met Sunset at the door. Surprisingly, she spoke first. “Valiant, can you watch the library? I’d like to go see the Breezies.” “Sure,” I nodded. Sunset gave me a smile and went outside. I stood there for a moment, trying to remember how to be a substitute librarian. It had been so long since I’d done that duty. I frowned. Watching the library probably meant that I should stay sober. I sighed and sat down on the couch. I could page through a few of the manuscripts that Daring and Trixie had given me to preread. Having come to the end of all Daring’s published novels, it was basically the only reading material I had left. My eyes turned to the other shelves, wondering if there anything else I cared about. Hmm – what was that? I got up and pulled a magic textbook down. I still retained some of the knowledge of magic I’d gotten from the cutie mark switcheroo, but maybe a little research could further that. The fact that I was even thinking about learning more about magic told me just how strange my already bonkers existence had recently gotten. I put the book back and went to get the tequila. Still, my mind kept working even as I drank. Drinkthinking. My thoughts may have turned to other topics, but I grabbed a piece of paper and began scribbling on it. I was already well into the bottle when there was a commotion outside. Glancing out the window, I saw Fluttershy cuddling with a small group of Breezies who had somehow gotten separated from the main group. That was her problem. I went back to drinkthinking. I’m not sure how much later it was, but I awoke to Sunset touching my shoulder. She wrinkled her nose at the reek of alcohol. “Valiant, are you all right? I think you passed out.” “Probably.” I groaned and sat up. The desk where I had been working was covered in empty bottles and paper with scribbles on it. I looked at one piece, trying to figure out what I had been thinking while drinking. Track universal transit progress of USS Milwaukee Keep training for Equestria Games to represent Milwaukee Speak to seaponies - Re: failed conquest of Milwaukee Manehattan Do something with that stuff I stole Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss the abyss gazes also into you Create more anagrams to confuse Twilight POWERTHIRST = CRYSTAL METH IN A CAN I didn’t remember writing most of it, but it seemed like a to-do list. The first couple of items were fairly straightforward before delving into the vague line about doing something about stolen things, the strange philosophical quote, and the excellent idea of confusing Twilight. That last thing on the list was the hardest to figure. Where had I heard of Powerthirst before? Oh yeah, the Flim Flam brothers were selling it. “While you were here, Fluttershy rescued some Breezies who got stranded,” Sunset said. “She’s nursing them back to health before sending them on their way.” “Good to know.” I got up and stretched, ignoring the pain in my head. “I’ll stay away from her place, then.” Unfortunately, Rainbow Dash showed up looking for me, which would have been bad enough, but she wanted me to do stuff. “The Breezies have to go! I know Fluttershy wants to take care of them, but we have to get this breeze going so they can get out of here!” “Tell me why I should care, and also why I should help you,” I said. “You want the bugs gone too, right?” she said. I sighed. “Fine.” And so I went to Fluttershy’s place and evicted the Breezies. “What are you doing?” squeaked one of them, a pink and blue guy with a black coat. I briefly switched off the leaf blower I had gotten from the hardware store. “Oh Lord, they can talk? Now somebody might actually care if I kill them.” The rest promptly hid in any place they could reach around the inside of Fluttershy’s cottage. The rest of the crew showed up then and Twilight was a little displeased with my methods, even if she agreed that the Breezies had to go. “But do we have to do it now?” asked Fluttershy. “I don’t want them to feel that we're abandoning them to the cruel world.” Twilight said, “But they're not going to a cruel world, right? They're going home.” “Gee Twilight, I’m standing right here,” I huffed. She frowned. “What are you talking about?” “I just sacrificed my home on Earth to permanently move to Equestria and none of you have even expressed gratitude for what I did. It’s not like I’m giving up my old life to be your universe’s savior and messiah or anything.” I rolled my eyes. Twilight blinked. “Messiah? What?” She shook her head. “Never mind. We’ll talk about this later. Right now, we need to focus on the Breezies.” While we were arguing, though, an argument had broken out among the Breezies. The one who had talked to me, Seabreeze, apparently wanted to go home but the rest of them didn’t. I don’t know what would happen if they didn’t get back through the portal to their home. None of them seemed to care, or more likely weren’t smart enough to realize the implications. One of them was playing a small saxophone, though, so you never know. Anyway, we did manage to get them outside, but there was a problem. Apparently there weren’t enough Breezies for the amount of wind or something. I was distracted by Time Turner and Rose passing by on their way to the 3-D movie. When I turned back to the conversation, Twilight had come up with a solution. “There’s a spell I think can help us.” I sighed. “Of course. Magic. The solution to all. Why oh why did we not think of that sooner.” “Magic isn’t the solution to everything,” Rarity said. I stared at her. “Name one solution Twilight came up with that didn’t involve magic.” “Well…” I cut her off before she actually provided an example. “Whatever. So what’s this crazy plan you have, Twilight?” She smiled the confident grin of an alicorn who is about to do something I wasn’t going to agree with. “This is probably going to feel a little funny at first, but you're going to have to trust me.” I started to say “Hell no!” but before I could finish we were all turned into Breezies. I glared at Twilight, my tiny high-pitched voice sounding not so intimidating. “Remember how I used to want to kill you, Twilight? You’re on thin ice.” She chuckled nervously. “Um, well then. Back to getting the Breezies home.” We fluttered away, pushed by the wind. I suppose it was good that I already had fluttering practice from that one time when Twilight gave me butterfly wings during the disaster that was her brother’s wedding. The mares all thought it was funny and pleasant. They looked better than they really needed to, good enough to be the basis of dolls and other paraphernalia to sell to the rabid masses of consumers. I figured it was only a matter of time before some large toy company copywrited the image and began to sell Pony Breezy Dolls with Advanced Sparkling Girly Action. Such a merchandizing opportunity would not surprise me in the slightest. Hmm. Was that a moneymaking idea I had just thought up? Heh heh heh. Oh wait, why the hell would I do something so blatantly materialistic? I’m not that much of a money-grubber. Anyway, we flew all the way across Equestria until we got to the portal that led to the Breezy world. We all went through and took a look around. It was a little more ethereal than the pony world. I frowned as I made my observations. “If they have flowers and stuff here, then why do they need our pollen?” “Well, we control the sun and moon, the weather, and the growth of plants and animals,” said Twilight. “We might as well control the migrations of sapient creatures from other worlds, too.” I stared at her for a long moment and then shook my head. “Whatever. Let’s just go.” We made it back through the portal before it closed. Twilight reversed the spell and we all returned to regular size. While the others were distracted, I kicked a large rock into the hole where the portal emerged. There, another leak in the universe plugged. “Valiant, what’s this flower in your mane?” Fluttershy asked. “Huh?” I twisted until I could see where a small blue flower had been stuck. “No idea where that came from.” “It doesn’t really suit you,” said Rarity. “Then screw you, I’m wearing it.” “I just wish I could have said goodbye to Seabreeze before we had to go,” said Fluttershy. “I didn’t see him before coming back through the portal.” “Well, that’s over with now,” said Twilight. “We should go back to the library so you can record what you learned in the friendship journal, Fluttershy.” Fluttershy frowned. “I’m not sure what I could write.” “Let’s go!” exclaimed Pinkie. “You totally have to go to the library and everypony else has to come with!” That seemed extraordinarily pushy, but I was going back to the library anyway so I went with them. On the way, Rainbow berated Twilight about her spell. “So, I’ve always kind of wondered what it would be like to be a griffon. What about a dragon?” Twilight was understandably reluctant to let Rainbow loose with that kind of power. Still, it provided something to think about while we traveled. It was quite late by the time we got back to Ponyville. Fluttershy had finally decided on something to write. She explained it while we approached the library. “I learned that it’s possible to be too nice. I kept coddling the Breezies and we almost ran out of time to return them home. We had to eventually get forceful and only then did they listen. Once you've exhausted all other opportunities to be civil and polite, sometimes you have no other choice. At the same time, you can’t just go straight to being mean like Seabreeze did.” “Sounds like you learned about the concept of escalation of force,” I noted. “Back home on Earth we had a saying: ‘War is the continuation of politics by other means.’” “Escalation of force sounds like a lesson you could learn,” noted Twilight. “Starting small before going up to more potent means.” I shrugged. “Hey, I’m American; I believe in the power of heavy munitions. It’s not my fault that sometimes they don’t come in smaller sizes.” I opened the door to the library and waltzed in, completely unprepared for the surprise party I walked into. “SURPRISE!” cheered everyone amid decorations and food that filled the interior of the library. I stopped in my tracks. “What the goddamned hell…” “I threw you a party!” said Pinkie. “I know back when you first arrived here we let you party with Twilight and it was like a joint Welcome to Ponyville Party for the two of you, plus a Night Before the Summer Sun Celebration Party and you had a good time and everything, but now that you’ve officially decided to come live in Ponyville and immigrate from Earth I thought we needed to throw you a super awesome Congratulations on Your New Home Party!” “How did you set the party up if you were with us being Breezies?” I asked. It was Pinkie, of course, so anything was possible, but I felt that I had to ask. “I helped,” said Trixie, stepping forward. “Taking you along with the Breezies was a reason to get you away from the library so we could set all this up.” “Who’s in the mood for quality comfort food and beer?” called Guinness from the back of the room. “And who wants a piece of this absolutely delightful giant cake I made?” added Sir Win. “I’ve got the tequila,” said Sunset. The party was pretty much a whirlwind of awesome. I’d never been the sole subject of a Ponyville Pinkie Party before. Not even getting hookers with Weird Al came close. Toward morning, I was happily full, heavily sugared, and more than a little buzzed. We were over the hump of prime partying, but things were still moving along well enough. The six Element bearers plus Trixie were sitting with me around the coffee table either on the couch or chairs that had been pulled up. I was still coming to terms with what they had done for me. It was a lot more than I had expected, and also surprisingly thoughtful. “We want to be your friends,” Twilight was saying. I nodded, but then came up short. “Wait, what?” “Valiant, you’ve never been the most friendly pony,” said Rarity. “But now if you’re going to be living here—permanently—then it would be best for everypony if you were a little more on the level,” added Applejack. “We’re asking you to be our friend,” said Twilight. “For too long you’ve isolated yourself.” “I get along fine by myself,” I retorted. My pleasant level of intoxication was beginning to lose its edge. “But you don’t have to, dad,” said Trixie. “I know you don’t want to be alone.” She had a point, I reluctantly had to admit. “But why do you want to be friends with me? You know I’ll probably backstab you at some point just for laughs.” Awkward glances went around the group. “Er, but that’s not the point,” said Twilight. “We’re just trying to offer you a place in the group. We’ve hung out together quite often, but I don’t think any of us ever formally accepted you. There are probably a lot of reasons for that, maybe because we all figured you would eventually go home, but now that it looks like you’ll be here forever, we want to make you feel welcome.” “So what would I have to do?” I said. “You have to be open with us. No more secrets,” Twilight replied. I shook my head and got up. “Nope. That’s a deal breaker.” “Wait, why do you think that?” called Twilight as I started to walk away. I turned back. “It’s too important. If I’m going to finish saving the universe, I need my space and my secrets.” “But why do you want to do it alone?” argued Twilight. “We can help! You wouldn’t have to do it all by yourself!” “You don’t understand,” I said, more of an edge appearing in my voice. “You’re going to have to trust me that I know what I’m doing.” “Trust is a two way street,” Twilight retorted. I stared at them for a moment and then spun around, heading for the kitchen. I grabbed a bottle of tequila out of Sunset’s grip and prepared to down it. “I could put that in a glass for you or something,” she said. I paused but shook my head. “Nah, I want to black out as quickly as possible.” “I was told what happened with the Breezies,” Sunset said quickly. “I also overheard that conversation you just had a moment ago. If you want everypony to cooperate with you, you have to give the same thing back, like Twilight said. Seabreeze didn’t get respect from the other Breezies because he didn’t give it in return.” Speaking of Seabreeze, I wiped the bottom of my hoof on a napkin. I’d forgotten about him until then. I turned back to Sunset and heaved a sigh. “Do you really think I should give in?” “You shouldn’t think of it like giving in,” she said. “Rationalize it however you want, but being friends is never a bad thing. Believe me, I once tried to zombify a high school and turn the students into my personal army. This is better than that.” In spite of the situation, I chuckled. “Wow. Okay, I see your point. Thanks.” Sunset smiled. I turned around, carrying the bottle, and went back to the party. I walked up and put the tequila down on the coffee table. “Okay, friendship is a two way street. That’s what you’re saying?” “That’s right,” Twilight confirmed. “I have to both receive and give?” “Yes.” I picked up the bottle and poured myself a helping. “Well, I suppose I can understand. I’ll drink to that. You’ll all drink with me, right?” I looked expectantly at the rest of them. They each worriedly glanced at each other, but reluctantly lifted their glasses to receive a helping from the bottle. I held up my glass. “Friendship is magic.” We all toasted and then had a drink together, everyone but me gagging on tequila. I set my glass down. “Another round!” As the sun came up that morning, everyone was still in the library. The widespread drunkenness probably had something to do with it. “Ughh…” Twilight moaned. “I wanted to be friends with you, Valiant, but drinking to blackout is not what I had in mind. Friendship is a two way street, but you can’t drag ponies along on things they don’t want to do.” “Like how you dragged me along on the Breezy trip?” I said. She rolled her eyes, but winced in pain at her hangover. What a lightweight. “Fine,” muttered Twilight. “We’ll let you be friends.” I grinned. “Oh, it’s not a question of who’s going to let me. It’s who’s going to stop me.”