Dear Diary,
We’ve tried just about everything. I don’t know what there is left to do. The girls and I are out of ideas. I always try to smile and stay positive for them, but sometimes I feel pretty hopeless too. My sis says I’m overreacting, and her friends keep trying to reassure us or help us out. I can see it on their faces though, even they think we’re being silly. They’re doing it all outta pity or something, and something about that just depresses me. I don’t know. Perhaps Applejack is right, and I’m just being a little too over-worried. Yeah, I’ll feel better tomorrow. I might even get my cutie mark.
Dear Diary,
We’re getting close to graduation. I feel like we’re the last three ponies in all of Equestria without our cutie marks. There are fillies younger than us that already have theirs. This isn’t fair. Scootaloo’s been growing distant with us. She’s been racing against other ponies on her scooter, and spending a lot of her time with Rainbow Dash, now that she’s older, and I guess, cooler. She still hangs out with us but, it’s not the same anymore. Sweetie Belle and I are sticking closer together than before, even though she’s going off and getting interested in her own things. She’s taken a liking to her sister’s hobbies. She’s grown into a beautiful mare, I’m proud of the girl. She’s in all these beauty shows now, and she loves it. But she still spends every second she can with me and I appreciate that so much. Growing up is scary. I’m glad that I at least don’t have to do this all alone.
Dear Diary,
Scootaloo got her cutie mark today. She’s the fastest Pegasus on wheels. I want to be happy for her, but how can I? We weren’t even the first ones she told, it was Rainbow Dash. I shouldn’t really be upset but… actually I should! That wasn’t very friendly of her, and I’ve got a right to be hurt. But at the same time… I guess I shoulda expected this. We’ve been drifting so far apart lately, this isn’t much of a surprise, but it still hurts a little, you know? Sweetie Belle knows me so well by now, I can’t lie to her. She knows I’m pretty beaten up over this. She went out to Sugarcube Corner and bought us a cake, just to cheer me up. She’s not as upset about it as I am, but I can’t beat the feeling that she was hurt by this too. She’s doing her best to make me happy. I can’t even express how much I love her. She’s the best friend I could ask for.
Dear Diary,
Gran died last night in her sleep. Sweetie Belle and Rarity are moving away in a week. Rarity has a shot at making a name for herself. She’s opened up a shop in Canterlot, and Sweetie’s going with her to chase her dream of being a model. With Rarity leaving, my sis’s circle of friends is coming undone at the seams, but they won’t admit it to Rarity because they want her to be happy. With Gran on top of that, Applejack is under so much stress. I lashed out at her, and now I feel horrible about it. She forgives me, she always done. It feels like she’s the only one I got left now, what with Sweetie Belle leaving. I just feel so lost. Without Gran, it feels like there’s an emptiness in this house that’s just sucking everything into it. I don’t have a friend to go to anymore. Lately it seems like nothing’s been able to cheer me up. I think I’ve outgrown that optimistic energy I had as a filly. I’ve been noticing my sister’s attitude towards me lately. She looks at me with pity, and she tries to take care of my chores to make things easier for me. I appreciate it, I really do, and I love her with all of my heart, but I feel so bad for her going through all that trouble when, at the end of the day, it still doesn’t make me feel any better at all. Sometimes I wake up and I don’t feel like getting out of bed. I just want to lay there until… I don’t really know. I just want to lay there.
Dear Diary,
Sweetie Belle has been sending me letters. Lately, I haven’t felt the energy to reply to them, especially after she told me she got her cutie mark. But still she never fails to send me one every Friday. I don’t really feel jealous of her like I did Scootaloo. I’d already resigned myself. I knew she’d get hers before me. Now it’s just a constant reminder of how unnatural I am. Twilight has been researching all she can to try to help me. She even sent a letter to ask Princess Celestia. The princess even came to Ponyville to talk to me in person. She told me the same thing that everyone’s been telling me since I was a filly. It will come in time, it’s about finding out who you truly are, just be patient. It would have been comforting, coming from the princess, if I couldn’t see it plainly displayed on her face that even she didn’t believe the things she was saying.
Dear Diary,
I think of cutie marks much differently now. When I was younger, I just wanted one, because they were cool and because everyone else had one, and of course, because they symbolized growing up. I think every little filly and colt wants to grow up very badly. Also, I never had a clue what I was good at, so I wanted to find that as well. But today, I’m not upset that I don’t have my cutie mark for those reasons. I’m upset about it because there’s never been a full grown pony in all of Equestria who still hadn’t gotten theirs by the time they were my age. I tried everything apple-like, and I’m just not cut out for it. I tried other things. I tried everything. Even the things I’m best at aren’t my special talent. Everyone is feeling sorry for me, but sympathy won’t get me a cutie mark. I don’t even care what it would be anymore, I just want to be normal. I want to be like everypony else. I’m so scared that the town might consider me an outcast one day. I hate this. I hate everything. This isn’t fair.
Dear Diary,
Applejack’s getting tired of taking care of me. I can see it. I’m taking such a toll on her. She looks exhausted these days, and she’s aging faster from all this stress. But she won’t admit to it, she’ll just keep smiling. She’s not making me feel better at all. Seeing all the harm I’m causing her just makes me feel worse. I hate being such a burden. I think… I think I’m going to leave the apple farm soon.
Dear Diary,
I remember this old thing. I think I should write one last entry.
It’s been such a long time since I left the apple farm, and now I’m back. I didn’t take my diary with me. I just wrote a goodbye note for my sister and left.
I’ve grown so old. I even have little fillies of my own now. I met a stallion while I was away, one thing led to another and he convinced me to go back home. He came with too, and now we’ve got a family.
My sister was worried sick about me, and I feel awful for not thinking about how much worse she’d feel after I ran away. The whole point of me doing it kind of backfired I guess. But everyone’s ok now.
The funny thing of all of this is, I still never got my cutie mark. And I don’t really care anymore. I’m happy. I have all I could ever want, and no one treats me like I’m different or weird. Once I came back, I realized, people stopped feeling sorry for me after I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I’m getting old. I could probably die without ever getting it, because I honestly don’t think I ever will, and I’d be ok. Maybe it just means that I’m not super good at anything. And I’m ok with that. It doesn’t matter anymore. I feel special in my own way, because I’m the only pony in the entire history of Equestria with a forever blank flank. I think that’s kind of cool in it’s own right.
So do my children. They think I’m some kind of special hero or something. And their father, the stallion I met, he’s enamored by the mysteriousness of it. And Sweetie Belle - who, even after I ran from home, never stopped sending letters- thinks that it’s incredible. The day I came home was the happiest moment in my life. All of my fears and insecurities crumbled away with the people around me who love me.
It took so long, but I realize now that nothing is wrong with me. I’m not broken, or a defect. I’m me, Apple Bloom, and I’m happy.