Musical Victor’s Multiversal Merch-n-Vendors
By A Random Guy
Ever since the rise of the two alicorn princesses, ponies have been questioning Celestia’s rule. Often the questions are simple and receive simple answers. For instance, “Why did you send your sister to the moon?” a pony asks. “Because she was being a naughty girl,” she would reply. “Are you eating cakes by the boatload?” “Don’t worry about it, it’s helping the economy.” “Why are my insides not inside me right now?” “Because you ask too many questions.”
But there was always one question that she could never find the proper answer for. “Why do you have a magical flowing mane?”
Why did she have a magical flowing mane? She was only asked this thrice in her lifetime. The first time wasn’t a question in context but an observation inserted into the middle of a love ballad. The pony that wrote that love ballad may have gone off and tormented the Crystal Empire, but seeing Sombra’s face when the power of the sun obliterated his grand piece of work that he poured all his heart into (literally), it gave Celestia a chuckle that day.
The second time she heard the question was when she was touring an industrial complex somewhere high in Cloudsdale. A little filly pegasus had asked that time, though Celestia was more interested in why a filly was in a factory. Before she could ask in return, a bunch of chains pulled the little filly pegasus into a large machine that went “BRRRRM”. Celestia didn’t know what happened to her, but she did remember seeing a rainbow outside of the factory that reminded the princess of the little filly pegasus.
The third time a pony inquired about her mane was when Twilight Sparkle sent a letter inquiring about the subject. The question was squeezed in between a lot of other questions concerning royal duties that the sun princess had little concern about. In fact, she was more shocked that Twilight was asking questions about how to run a government. Celestia didn’t even know there was a government.
As to why Twilight was inquiring about her mane, she understood why, somewhat. On the morning of the Great Monster Fight of ’95, Twilight had found herself magically inserted in the position of Princess Celestia, and vice versa. It would sound as if all of Equestria would flip on its head over this, but it didn’t. Nothing really changed from that day, anyways. Twilight couldn’t find a way to switch them back, so Celestia acted as Twilight in the Ponyville Library, and nopony seemed to complain.
But the letter with the question regarding Celestia’s mane did raise an interesting point the princess hadn’t considered. Although everyone in Ponyville thought she was the local librarian, she still maintained her physical body for some reason. Having the same body still meant having to care for everything that was a part of it, including her mane.
Over the last few days, she took notice of the hairs of her mane exit their eternally flowing magical state and turn to a physical form that drooped over her neck. She didn’t like her physical hair, it made her itch. Her bottle of Extra Strength Super Power Shampoo was still in the royal bath chambers at Canterlot Castle, preventing her from rectifying her itchy mane.
Celestia decided that this was a good time to go shopping for a refill. She could easily find a generic variant of what she wanted at any local grocery store, but she was a slave to her favorite brand (With good reason, generic brands tend to be more explosive). Unfortunately, her brand could only be found at a store that didn’t have outlets in her world.
And that store was where she was at right now. Musical Victor’s Multiversal Merch-n-Vendors, as it was called, was notorious for having stores located only in the multiverse void. Celestia didn’t mind the walking distance to the place, though she could do without the sky-high price inflations that plagued the pretentious establishment.
The interior of the place wasn’t special in any way. There were isles of towering shelves that stretched far back towards the near-infinite expanse that was the back of the store. The florescent lighting from the ceiling gave the linoleum floors a dull sheen. The cashier standing behind the counter swiped items across a scanner with a steady rhythm as the line extending from the counter decreased in size, one creature at a time.
Celestia, bottle of shampoo beside her, was the second creature from the cashier, the first being a purple stallion with a bowler cap. The stallion was taking his time arguing over the astronomical cost of a few spoons. They were ordinary spoons, the kind that would be five bits at any other store and the stallion probably knew it. Valued customers could care less about the products, arguing over the prices was the entire point of Musical Victor’s.
Musical Victor’s was a specialty store, with the specialty being arguing. The store uses its venue in the multiverse void to bend the laws of physics to create situations that are guaranteed to cause quarrels. Want an item that’s low on stock? The store’s quantum mechanics will pair you up with someone else from the far distant future so you can fight it out over the last box of Chippos! Want paraphernalia for a sports team? It can be found conveniently next to the paraphernalia of your sports team’s arch-nemesis, and your arch nemesis who is buying said paraphernalia! Have everything you want to buy? Try to convince the cashier that the 90% coupon for the 100 bit candy bar hasn’t expired in the Griffon Kingdom. Heck, you could even have an argument on how Musical Victor’s Multiversal Merch-n-Vendors has a misleading name (That argument is complementary).
Celestia knew from past experience that an argument was guaranteed, but they could take a long time to kick in. There were at least several times when a store visit lasted the entire day, but the argument occurred only after Celestia got back to Canterlot. At least it was a good argument, being between her and a royal guard and revolving around the topic of a pay raise. She won the argument, but only after convincing the guard that accidentally falling off a mountain in the line of duty wasn’t worth it.
The pony in front of her was definitely having a good long argument for sure. You were going to get an argument, but sometimes it had to wait after another argument. Fortunately, Celestia came prepared.
The sun princess teleported a sandwich into existence, or nonexistence depending on how you view the multiverse void, which technically was nonexistent. It was an ordinary sandwich, the kind that Spike said he made for Twilight all the time. It might seem rude to eat while waiting in line behind somepony, but it was the kind of rude that would get you into an argument, which was exactly what Celestia was going for.
She took a bite out of the sandwich, which tasted like it was oversaturated with olives. She knew Twilight loved olives, but she didn’t know she would go so far as to have Spike make olive flavored bread. It had an interesting taste for sure, so interesting that she was having second thoughts about eating it. It didn’t matter to her, though. A little loud munching would surely bug the heck out of somepony, which was a surefire way to-
OH LUNA that’s nasty!
That backstabbing sandwich exploded in her mouth with the violent taste of Tatarus! A blast from her gag reflex heaved the morsel out of her mouth, sending it flying across the store. Fortunately, she turned her head away from the line, so her little spew only splattered across the linoleum floor. She stretched her tongue out as far as possible, desperately scrapping at it with her hooves to cleanse her pallet of the forsaken lunch. Nothing as homicidally vicious had entered her royal mouth since the Curtain War of ’62, when she was playing around with a few Bronxican plants and a cake.
After a few minutes of scratching out her mouth with a chainsaw and gargling with bleach (Alicorns can do that, they’re immortal), she was left with a feint aftertaste of bitter passive-aggressive warfare as the bleach finished up its job. The stallion in front of her was too engrossed in his argument to seem to notice the spectacle that occurred behind him, which is a testament to how involving Musical Victor’s arguments were.
Having lost her only item of entertainment, Celestia was left to stand silent as she waited for her turn to come up to buy her shampoo. She looked around her surroundings for something to catch her eye, which wasn’t too hard to do. Her gaze settled upon a peculiar sign that was nailed to the ceiling.
It took a bit of squinting for Celestia to make out the words on the sign, which read, “Caution: Please keep eyes forward. Due to quantum mechanical malfunctions, persons in front of you may change when unobserved.”
Ha! What a silly sign, Celestia thought. Making a joke about quantum mechanics and results changing when observed, that’s funny. Putting a sign in the oddest place where someone would only see it if they disobeyed it, also funny. That was a good laugh. Now, is the pony in front of me done- where’d this couch come from?
Now standing in place where the stallion used to be was a large, torn-up, red couch, handing the required bits over to purchase an enormous can of Goat-be-Gone. The couch seemed to be one of those couches that would become relevant in the near future, but she didn’t care about that.
What she did care about was the fact that the couch made its purchase quite quickly. AS soon as the cashier gave it the receipt, the cushions engulfed the can and the couch flew off with its purchase, leaving the spot in front of the cashier wide open for Celestia to occupy.
“Hello, I would like to buy this bottle of shampoo,” she said as she walked up to the desk and placed the bottle in front of the cashier.
“That’ll be seventy-five bits,” the cashier replied.
“Don’t I receive my princess discount?”
“I’d need to see identification for that.”
A small square of plastic magically popped into existence/nonexistence on top of the desk. After analyzing the plastic for a couple of seconds, the cashier shook her head as she decided that the information on the plastic didn’t match up.
“What’s wrong?”
“This identity is for Twilight Sparkle. You don’t look like a Twilight Sparkle to me.”
“Oh, sorry about that.” The sun princess magicked another piece of plastic into existence, this time with the correct information. “I’ve been having an identity crisis at home. Didn’t know which card to bring in.”
“Yes, this looks like the correct card.” The cashier slipped the card back to Celestia. “But I’m afraid we discontinued the princess discount for your universe.”
“What do you mean discontinued?”
“It’s just discontinued. I got the notice this morning.”
Celestia, being taller than most ponies, stared down the cashier. “I am a princess. Princesses always get discounts.”
“Not from your universe. Apparently, Princess Celestia declared everypony a princess last week, so the discount loses its value if everypony in that universe claims to be eligible for the discount.”
“I’m Princess Celestia, and I did not say anything like that.”
“Well, the royal decree came from a Princess Celestia. There was a courtroom filled with ponies that witnessed the decree.”
“That was Twilight Sparkle posing as me. The decree had no authority backing it up.”
“It doesn’t matter who Princess Celestia was at the time. She declared it as Princess Celestia, so now it’s the law of that particular universe.”
“Well, as you can see from my identification, I am the real Princess Celestia, so I revoke the decree and demand my discount.”
“Alright, no one in that universe can become a princess now, but you still don’t get the discount.”
“No, I’m declaring that the royal decree to make everyone a princess is null and void, and to bring back the discount by extension.”
“You’re not able to revoke titles of equal or greater stature.”
“I’m a freaking princess! I should be able to remove any title I want!’
A grey mare with butterfly wings that was waiting behind Celestia in line interrupted the exchange. “Excuse me, I don’t mean to interject, but what universe are you from?”
Celestia paused for a bit in thought before she replied. “Uh, I think my ID said Compilation. I’m not familiar with universe names, so I wouldn’t know exactly.”
The mare’s mouth grew into a large smile. “Are you kidding? That’s my home universe!” Her butterfly wings gave a large flap and sprung the mare into the air, sending her spiraling above Celestia. “That means I’m a princess!”
“Well, have fun with that. You’re not going to get the discount either.”
“Oh I couldn’t care less about that!” She halted to a hover as a question came to mind. “Does this mean I have authority over ponies of other universes?”
Celestia shrugged. “To an extent.”
“Awesome! That means I can bass around my boss now!”
“Yes, that’s lovely.” The princess of the sun turned back to the cashier pony. “How about my senior discount? I’m over a millennium, I should get something for that.”
“You do, but I need an age-meter to verify that. Please wait patiently to the side while an attendant brings one over so we can process other customers.”
“Sure, but I better get my discount.”
Celestia stepped off to the side to let the mare with butterfly wings talk to the cashier. “I have a Tatzlwurm infestation at home. I need something to get rid of the buggers.”
“We have a spray for that.” The cashier pulled out a bottle from under the counter. “Just hold down the button, throw it into your house, wait a night, and they’ll all be dead in the morning.”
“Cool, how much?”
“Three hundred bits.”
“How much will my princess discount take off if I use it with my pity card?”
“Then it’s free and we give you five pits back.”
“Wait, what?” Celestia interrupted. “How come she gets the princess discount but I don’t? I’m the real princess here!”
“She has the pity card, ma’am. All card holders that possess one can redeem any discontinued discount and receive a percentage of that discount back in cash.”
“Then I want my pity card too!”
“I’m afraid only employees of Galactica receive pity cards.”
Celestia turned to the mare. “And what makes you so special that you get your own pity card?”
The mare shrugged. “Working for Galactica rewards pity. Trust me, this doesn’t make it even half worth it. Stay a librarian, Twilight. You have no idea how much better that is than my job.” She shook the can, listening to the swish of the liquid inside. “So, I just spray this and it kills Tatzlwurms?”
“Miss Butterflywings, I’m not Twilight, I’m Celestia!”
“You look like Twilight, though.”
“Did you not hear any of the conversation we just had?”
“Yeah, everyone’s a princess, break out the tiaras and frilly dresses, we’re having a ball tonight. How pressurized is this can?”
Before Celestia could reply, the mare pressed the button on the can, letting out a cloud of metallic tasting spray that engulfed the princess’s face. “Blah! What was that for?”
“Sorry about that. I had no idea it would do that.”
“It’s a pressurized bottle of chemicals! Of course it would do that! DO you even know what that stuff will do to a pony?”
Celestia, the cashier, nor the mare knew what the bottle of chemicals did to a pony’s complexion, but through the magic of narration, you do!
Contained in the bottle is about 16oz (fluid) of pressurized giant flower nectar. It’s actually quite harmless to ponies, but is quite lethal to Tatzlwurms for some reason. Yet, the giant worms are attracted to the scent. Scientists don’t know exactly why, but they assume the nectar has chemicals that are similar in composition to Tatzlwurm mating pheromones, making it a natural Tatzlwurm trap.
Celestia did not know this. Nor did she know she should have washed the stuff off immediately. Unfortunately, she did not.
And that’s how everyone almost got eaten by a Tatzlwurm. Keyword is almost, since this was Musical Victor’s Multiversal Merch-n-Vendors, and quantum mechanics are all messed up there, and the Tatzlwurm had a quantum mechanical malfunction since no one was able to observe it before it ate everyone.
So everything got eaten by Godzilla instead.