Rainbow Burger
by KelGrym
“That’ll be 6 bits and 42 bittybits,” Pinkamena forced out of her mouth, again, for the 100,000 time to the customer on the intercom, “Please pull up to the window.” She let go of the intercom button and muttered an obscenity under her breath. After what seemed like an eon of painfully waiting for the customer to decide what they wanted, she had to spend another eternity in limbo and explain to the customer what a Cloudsdale Special was, before she could ring up their order.
“Uh…can I make another order?” the customer asked.
Dammit!, Pinkamena mentally cursed. Pressing the intercom button she said, “No problem, always happy to take another order! What would you like, sir?”
Pinkamena listened to the chatter on the other side. She sighed in annoyance. There was no mistaking the tell tale mutterings of a single half of a whole conversation.
Argh! They’re on their cell!
Pinkamena pulled her forelegs towards her body, scraping the chrome ledge of the window with her hooves. Over the past two years, the smooth surface started to look like the side of a car door that was subjected to the untold abuse from the business end of a key in the hands of a drunk teenager.
“What comes on the Mecklenburger?”
Pinkamena let go of the intercom to curse. In the kitchen, only Bon-Bon looked her direction. Reluctantly, Pinkamena pressed the intercom again and said in a voice dripping with sugar and butterfly kisses, “The Mecklenburger comes with two patties on wheat bread, grilled jalapenos and onions, lettuce, tomatoes, and two slices of Moonteri Jill cheese.”
“Oh, ok,” the headset crackled, “Hold on just a sec.”
Only elephants could hear how low Pinkamena’s growl was. The customer took his sweet time, oblivious to her expense. He alternated between asking Pinkamena questions about the menu, to talking to whomever it was on his cell a few more times, before he finally made up his mind. Behind him, the line of cars had been steadily growing.
At long last, the nuisance customer pulled up to the window, after Pinkamena rung his order up. She stuck her head out to make the usual exchange. “That’ll be a grand total of 12 bits and 84 bittybits, sir! Your food will be out, shortly.”
The man on the other side of the window looked down to her name tag briefly and looked back up to her and said, “Hey Pinkie, Is it too late for me to add something else to my order?”
The world began to spin around her and a mad cackle sounded through her head. Her eyes constricted to pinpricks momentarily and glazed over. Once her brain recognized the man outside the window was an unsalvageable moron, it immediately hit an emergency switch it reserved when levels of stupid reached critical mass. Violent neural pathways were blocked off as the negative energy was rerouted to a different cortex of her brain. It was an error to call it a self-defense mechanism.
“Pain?” she asked. All the sunlight in her voice disappeared.
The customer sat in his car with a dumb look plastered on his face. “What?”
“Oh!” she suddenly exclaimed, with a brighter skip in her voice than what she began her order with, “Not a problem sir, I can get you an order of pain, just wait right here so I can ring it up for you!”
Pinkamena disappeared from the window for a few moments, leaving behind a very confused customer. As the man waited at the window and wondered what that was all about, he could hear the sounds of scraping coming from inside. Soon after, Pinkamena’s head could be seen in the window again as she began to lift something heavy onto it’s ledge.
“Here you go,” she said, “One order of pain coming right up!”
Color abandoned the man’s face when he realized he was looking down the barrel of a large cobalt cannon. His jaw hung open as he stared into it, with unbelieving eyes.
“Will that be incendiary or concussive?” Pinkamena asked, voice sugar coated.
Before the man could answer, the furies of Tartarus erupted from the barrel of the cannon. A cloud of smoke and fire could be seen trailing all the way where his vehicle landed across the street from the window. Traffic was thrown in disarray as cars began to pile up on each other and pedestrians ran amok screaming in terror.
All the while, Pinkamena could be heard laughing maniacally from the drive-thru window, basking in the havoc and chaos she unleashed into the world.
“Um, hello? Can I add something to my order?” the customer asked, as he sat in his sportscar, alive, healthy, and disappointingly not burnt to the bone.
“Huh?” Pinkamena said, as she snapped out of her fantasy, “Oh, sorry about that, of course you can! What did you want to add?”
“Hey, knock it out!” Diego Juarez called out, as he was dressing the third burger on the board.
Rover Cannidor growled under his breath. The human was a broken record. He always said the same one liners, over and over again. At first, the diamond dog just accepted it as a human quirk, something to break the ice, or to motivate co-workers in getting their mutual goal done, but now he was sure he was trying to annoy him.
Rover flipped the patty one more time, grabbed a bun heel, and brought the patty with heel to the dressed bun on the board.
“Hey, whatcha doin, dog?”
Confusion crossed Fido’s face. Did he forget the cheese again? Fido looked up to the ticket and saw that wasn’t the case.
“You put it on the wrong bun,” Diego said.
Rover looked down and realized that he indeed did put it down on the wrong bun. He was used to placing the burgers down on the buns in a left to right order, starting with the oldest order to the latest. For some reason, Diego had the order reversed around. It was a monkey wrench in his routine, but Fido was accountable for placing the right patty on the right bun, so there wasn’t room to make excuse.
He was about the scoop the patty off it’s bun with the spatula to correct his mistake when Diego said, “Hey, don’t worry about it, I’ll fix it, just get the other patties, were going over.”
Rover grumbled and walked back to his grill.
“Knock it out!” Diego called out again.
Rover cringed. He wanted to knock Diego out.
“Grrr...Do you have to do that all the time?” He asked.
“Do what?” The short, burly, Argentinian's face was a mask of innocence.
“Say the same thing, over and over again! It’s so annoying!”
“Oh, that. Sorry,” Diego apologized, “It’s sorta my thing. I’ll stop though, I didn’t mean to bother you.”
That was easier than Rover expected. Satisfied, Rover turned back to his grill. “Thank you,” he said, relieved that the human would finally stop annoying him.
Diego was sometimes difficult to deal with. He had a playful, upbeat personality and liked to pull pranks whenever he could. Rover couldn't recall how many times he looked for the shredded cheese in the upper part of the cooler, only to find that someone put it in the bottom, or how Diego always flipped the hay bacon package around, so that the open side of the flap faced away from him when he wanted to pull out a sheet. Diego couldn’t appreciate how much Rover wanted to maul him on a day to day basis.
As Rover was getting ready to bring Diego another patty, Lily Valley passed by and called out to Diego, “Hey! Knock it out!”
“Knock it out!” He replied back, jovially.
Rover’s body locked up at the exchange. He leveled a glare at Diego.
Diego saw the look Rover gave him. “What?”
Rover narrowed his eyes. “...I don’t like you.”
Diego just laughed.
Pinkamena busied herself restocking ketchup packets and the napkin dispenser near her window. The stream of cars going by the drive-thru trickled to a halt and the restaurant was entering another one of it’s slow periods. Unlike most of her other co-workers, she actually used her down time to get everything prepared in her work area. As she was getting ready to restock the cups for the drink fountain, a truck rolled up to her window.
“Hey, Pinkamena!” yelled the stallion in the truck.
Pinkamena grimaced. It was Caramel.
What does he want?
Opening up the window, she stuck her head outside. “Make it quick, I’m busy.”
Caramel, used to Pinkamena’s dismissive attitude, only grinned and said, “Hey I got a new job!”
“Oh yeah? Where at?”
“Carrot farm.”
“They hiring?”
“Sorry, I filled the last position.”
Pinkamena slammed the window shut.
“Hey! Wait up!” Caramel called out, “Pinkamena! I got something else I wanted to tell you!”
Pinkamena opened up the window, again. “What?” she snapped.
Unfazed by her jagged edge, he said, “Well, I made some plans with Berry Punch and we’re gonna have a tailgate party this weekend and I was wondering…”
“No.” The window clacked shut.
Caramel figured that Pinkamena was going to act like this. He tried getting her attention again, but she wouldn’t open the window. His head drooped down as he stared into his steering wheel. Why did he even bother?
His heart skipped a beat when he heard the window open up. He saw Pinkamena sticking her head out giving him an appraising look.
“What day is it?” she asked.
Caramel’s mood did a full 180 degree turn. “Sunday!”
Pinkamena raised an eyebrow. “Will there be booze?”
“Hey, this is Berry were talking about here,” Caramel said.
For a moment Pinkamena’s face seemed like stone. Caramel couldn’t read the expression on it and feared that she might say no again.
“I’ll think about.”
His eyes lit up and a genuinely happy smile grew on his face.
“Don’t get your hopes up or anything, I said I’ll think about it,” Pinkamena reminded, narrowing her eyes.
Caramel held up his hooves. “Okay, that’s all that I wanted...so um. I’ll see you around then...maybe?”
Puppy dog. Pinkamena stared at him with a blank expression.
“Maybe...now get outta here, before you get me in trouble.”
As Caramel watched the window close he gushed, “She said, maybe!” He pumped his foreleg into the air as he drove off, punctuating each thrust with a, “Yes!” This, to Caramel, was the best thing that happened since he quit Rainbow Burger for his new job. Maybe now he might have a chance to really impress Pinkamena at the tailgate party.
Caramel could imagine it now. He could see the glow of the bonfire reflecting off of her Pink coat as the diamonddust speckled, starry night sky graced her alluring form, under the moonlight. Light pollution from the town and the bonfire would probably paint the night sky pitch black, but it didn’t stop Caramel from imagining her hoof slipping from her drink to his hoof as they watched the fire, and listened to David Baluchi’s ‘Crystal Canines’. Her smooth, oh so immaculate, straight, pink mane would fall from her face as she looked up to him with those inviting cerulean eyes. As they gazed into each other’s eyes, they’re sight would shift to each others lips and they’d slowly move into each other until finally --
Caramel skidded to a halt as he was coming out of the parking lot, from the drive-thru, and looked out the driver side window. “Oh horseapples! I think I hit someones cat!”
Pinkamena just shook her head as she watched Caramel leave.
He’s such a dork.
She began to finish restocking her work area when a familiar voice entered into her head. Pinkamena’s eye twitched.
“What did I tell you about getting in my head at work?” She asked no one in particular.
There was a pause for response.
“What are you my conscience?” She asked, still seemingly to herself, “I don’t want to go out with him.”
Another pause.
“I don’t care. He’s not my type.”
As Pinkamena held her one way conversation, Lyra was watching the whole time, wondering if Pinkamena finally slipped off into the deep end. She always knew there was something off about that mare.
Pinkamena noticed Lyra looking at her. “What are you staring at?” She asked, in an icy voice. It was phrased as a question, but the tone suggested Lyra to mind her own business.
Lyra quickly looked away. “N-nothing!”
Pinkamena narrowed her eyes, but then noticed something. Peering over the drink fountain, Pinkamena saw that there was a customer waiting patiently for someone or pony to take their order. Usually, Lily Valley worked the front counter, but she was missing for some reason.
“Lyra,” Pinkamena said, “There’s a customer at the front counter, Lily’s missing.”
Lyra looked over to the front counter and scoffed, “So?”
Pinkamena’s jaw dropped. Was Lyra really that dense? “So? So go over there and take their order!”
“Aww,” Lyra whined, “But I’m no good at taking orders! Why can’t you go do it?”
No...just lazy.
“Me?”
“Yeah, you.”
“Because I have to take orders at the window! I shouldn’t have to juggle both! Besides, you’ve worked here nearly as long as me and you almost never take front orders.”
“But what if I have to drop fries if a drive-thru orders while I’m gone?”
Pinkamena rolled her eyes. “I’ll tell Bon-Bon to do it then. She’s right there, not doing anything anyways.”
Lyra was about to argue, when Sombra stuck his head out of the office and said, “Lyra! Go take the customers order,” before quickly disappearing back into it again.
“Knock it out!” Diego called out from the kitchen’s mainside.
Lyra sighed in defeat. “Fine! I’ll take the stupid order.”
As Lyra dragged her hooves to the front counter she put on her best happy smiley face that she could and stood up on her hind legs to reach the terminal. She looked at the customer. He was a portly pale human, sporting a double chin covered in a five o'clock shadow under a balding scalp of brown hair tied off in a ‘pony’ tail (Lyra never understood why they called it that). Lyra thought for a moment he smelled of vaseline.
“Um..w-welcome to Rainbow burger...home of...the Rainbow Burger. How can I take your order?” she improvised.
Pinkamena facehoofed.
The customer smiled and said in a nasally voice, “Well lets see...I think I’ll have…”
Come on, come on!, Lyra thought, I just wanna get this over with.
“I think I’ll have a number one, mayo, no cheese.”
Okay, that’s easy enough
“Then on a separate order I want…”
Uh, oh…
“Two number two combos, one with regular fries, one with hay fries -- for a pony friend of mine -- three rainbow junior burgers, one with mayo and cheese, the other with mustard, no cheese, with three small fries. Then I want five orders of cupcakes, one chocolate with vanilla frosting, the other vanilla with strawberry frosting. On the drinks of the first two orders I want Colta-Cola and Dr.Pampa, but make the first drink extra large and add on three small Paso Fino drinks.”
Lyra stared up at the customer as if he pulled a gun on her.
He then snapped his fingers and asked, “Oh! What comes on that Mecklenburger?”
“Pinkamena!” Lyra cried.
Pinkamena grumbled. She had just finished the customers order for Lyra in time to make it back to the window and punch in the one that just came in the drive-thru. Honestly, it felt like she had to do everything. She couldn’t comprehend how Lyra made it this far working in fast food other than the fact she was a unicorn, and barring management, unicorns were hard to come by in the business. Fast food was predominantly a job for earth ponies, humans, diamond dogs, and the occasional minotaur. Pegasi had cornered the air transportation market, and unicorns were invaluable in almost every other field, especially tricky high level factory assembly jobs, where losing a finger was a daily hazard.
Lily had just come back and took her place at the front again. Apparently, she had gone to stock cups for the front, but Pinkamena guessed she was in the back chatting with Chrysalis. If everypony spent as much time getting things done, instead of socializing, her job might actually be tolerable. It might have been Lily goofing off this time, but Lyra was the worst. Every time things slowed down she took a chance to escape to the back to spread the latest gossip, or mine her co-workers for dirt on someone she knew. Chrysalis and Lily were always happy to indulge her.
“Hey, you got three those fries down Lyra?!” Diego yelled from the other side.
“Yeah,” Lyra called back, “I know what I’m doing! You don’t have to shout!”
“Hey, knock it out!
Pinkamena’s ear twitched.
“Ugh! You’re so annoying Diego!”
“Tell me about it!” Rover piped in from mainside.
Okay...maybe not, Pinkamena thought. The last thing she wanted to deal with was --
The door of Sombra’s office flung open wide as he and Chrysalis stepped out. Sombra raised a hoof in the air and shouted, “That’s enough chatter! Let’s get on with the show!”
Shit!
It was an inevitability. It couldn’t be avoided in Equestria, really. There was a saying. Only one thing was certain in life. Death, taxes, and musical numbers. Pinkamena looked forward to death and taxes if she could avoid the third.
Sombra cleared his throat and began.
I know you like to socialize,
Fight and bicker all day long,
But what you foals just don’t realize,
Is that I’m here to ring the gong,
And Crack the whip,
To shut your lip,
And get your grip,
Before you slip!
He turned to his compatriot. “Chryssie poo?”
She wore a smug smile and said, “Of course,” then began her part.
What our dearest charge is saying,
Is that we have to hurry,
Instead of all this delaying,
You should be in a flurry,
So don’t you pout,
Or be a klout,
Or mess about,
Just --
Knock it out! , Diego finished. Chrysalis glared at him in contempt..
Rover pulled at his ears and groaned. “So annoying! So distracting! Why if…grrr...Why--
If I was not on probation,
Or needed this stupid job,
I’d gladly inflict laceration,
And surely cause you to sob,
You make me huff,
You make me puff,
You’re not hot stuff,
I’ve had --
Enough!, Sombra yelled. Rover winced, splaying back his ears, but then just crossed his arms and glared at Diego.
Sombra spun around to address everyone.
The clock on the wall is ticking,
The customer is hungry,
So speed up and get to cooking,
So I must tell you bluntly,
Move, you tortoise,
Give me solace,
Sing and give us,
The grand chorus!
At Sombra’s que, every single one of the crew staff joined in song, sans Pinkamena who stood quietly, gritting her teeth. She was racking her brain, trying to remember where the one bread cutting knife was, that didn’t have the sharp point of its end cut off.
Every day we work this grind,
Every day we do not mind,
Cause we earn our bits,
Through the rushing blitz,
We’ll work into over time,
We’ll go even further,
Through the grease and through the grime,
At the Rainbow Burger!
Chrysalis, seeing that Pinkamena wasn’t joining in song, trotted up to her with an impish smirk to ask,
Why the glum face, Pinkamena?
Why don’t you sing with the rest?
You’re like an angry hyena,
Just without its trademark jest.
You’re a worker,
Out of order,
Mind in ponder,
Chrysalis was about to sing, “On Mac’s quarter”, but Pinkamena interjected.
Just on murder.
Chrysalis’s exoskeleton turned a shade paler. She brought herself together and left Pinkamena, sticking her nose in the air.
Lily Valley, having returned to the front counter, greeted the next customer that came in.
Welcome to the Rainbow Burger,
How can I make you happy?
In perfect sync with the music, the customer replied,
Your combos do make me wonder,
I hope your fries aren't crappy,
Lily nodded and with a smile answered,
I promise they are to die for,
Would you like a cupcake too?
The customer thought about it then said,
The offer’s good I can’t ignore,
Though the cupcake I might rue,
Lily assured melodically,
Hey it’s okay,
We will not stray,
We’ll serve today
As long you pay!
“Chorus!” Sombra yelled.
Every day we work this grind,
Every day we do not mind,
Cause we earn our bits,
Through the rushing blitz,
We’ll work into over time,
We’ll go even further,
Through the grease and through the grime,
At the Rainbow Burger!
Every day we work this grind,
Every day we do not mind,
Cause we earn our bits,
Through the rushing blitz,
We’ll work into over time,
We’ll go even further,
Through the grease and through the grime,
At the Rainbow Burger!
“Hey, knock it out!”