You’d think that after an entire year in the Everfree Forest, I’d have explored its secrets and learned its ins and outs.
The hydra chasing after me would prove you wrong.
“Why did you cut of its head?!” Fidget screamed at me.
“Ahrah thought it was a good idea!” I screamed back, receiving a mouthful of leaves for my troubles.
“Common lore, Dust! Cut the head and burn it!”
“Well fuck, Fidget, I’m not the one who can use fire magic!”
“...Oh. Right.”
I could hear one of the heads of the hydra zooming in for a strike. I jumped and twirled, entering a short trance where time seemed to slow and vector arrows began emerging from every moving object.
Left head, right fang. That was what would hit me. I whipped Ahrah up and around, into the tooth just before it impacted. There was a loud ring, a flash of light, and the hydra’s head was thrust backwards.
The hydra looked stunned, and the momentum of my swing turned me back to my path as I hit the ground.
Creatures scattered before us, fleeing from the stomping hydra. One creature didn’t flee, but watched with a detached surprise. It was the zebra that I’d seen visiting the ponies and who occasionally received pony visitors.
I’d carefully hidden myself from her as soon as I learned that she was friends with the ponies.
I passed her, and the hydra paid her no mind.
“Wait.” Ahrah murmured. “The zebra only shows up when we near the edge of the forest.”
“What’s that got to do with- Oh fuck me.”
I’d run straight out of the forest and into a party of colourful ponies who watched me pass with looks of shock before they morphed to looks of fear when the hydra burst from the treeline.
“Run! Fucking run!” I screamed as I dove over them all. Fidget flew under my hat and gripped the back of my head.
A bolt of lightning fell from the sky onto the hydra. The beast stood stock still for a moment before shaking its heads and looking at its surroundings. One of the ponies, a butter yellow pegasus with light pink hair flew up to it and started talking to it.
I stood with my hands on my knees, panting, when Fidget started muttering to me. “Ponies, Dust. Gee tee eff oh.”
“Fuck.” I muttered and turned to the group of six ponies that had taken to staring at me as the hydra stomped off into the forest.
We stared at each other for a few moments before Ahrah recognized the situation.
You’ll be staring at one another for a while before one of them recognizes us. Run now, it’ll surprise them.
I took a step to bolt, but was immediately beset upon by the same yellow pony that had talked the hydra down.
“Oh, it’s okay, mister kitty, we’re not gonna hurt you.” The pink haired horse began rubbing my chest. “Shh, it’s okay. Fluttershy’s going to take good care of you.”
“Um, Fluttershy?” A purple winged unicorn stammered. “I don’t think that this is an animal for you to befriend.”
“Oh, don’t be silly, Twilight. Just look at his fluffy ears!”
A white unicorn cleared her throat. “I think what Twilight meant was that this… creature is not an animal.”
Only technically.
Fluttershy scoffed. “What makes you say that?”
“Well, for one, animals don’t wear clothes.” Mine had stayed surprisingly intact and undamaged throughout my wanderings. “And second, it is using a tool, even if it is just a sword.” Fuck you, Ahrah’s awesome. “And finally, it talked. Shouted a warning at us, if you’ll recall.”
Fluttershy blushed and rushed to hide behind a blue pegasus who was staring at me skeptically. I grunted and began to circle them.
“But it’s interesting…” Twilight murmured. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen this creature before, but it looks familiar…” Fuck. I remember this one. She’d always go walking through the statuary garden with her nose in a book. She didn’t have wings back then, though.
I was suddenly caught in a purple bubble. “I think… I think Celestia should see this.”
“Fuck this shit.” I said and struck the shield with Ahrah. He cut through it easily, like a magical knife through magical butter. Twilight seemed shocked. “This is where I fuck off.”
And fuck off I did, bolting for the forest. Twilight shouted something behind me and I heard some projectile incoming.
I did my jumping turn, falling into my parry trance and came face to face with the blue pegasus from earlier. I barely had enough time to bring Ahrah to bear to send her careening off course. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to reflect her, just move her to the side, meaning she flew right past me and impacted the dirt.
“Don’t let him get away!” I heard Twilight shout.
Ahrah began yelling directions to me, calling the attack directions of the ponies. I ducked and weaved, occasionally leaping before I finally found my way into the treeline. Twilight let off an uncouth grunt of frustration and, without warning, was directly in front of me.
Unfortunately for her, that meant being stuck in the crook of a bisected tree. She struggled to free herself while I kept on running.
"Pinkie! He needs a welcoming party!" Twilight shouted and suddenly pink.
"Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie, and I've never seen you be-" That was as far as the pink horse got before I bashed the side of her head with Ahrah's pommel. She sat down and began rubbing her head as I continued running.
After a few final stretches of forest, I came to the gorge that I had been about to explore when the hydra had ambushed me. I leaped over the edge and drew upon my mental connection to Fidget.
Why do we talk out loud when we can think at each other you ask?
Because Fidget and Ahrah still haven't gotten over the novelty of actually being heard by someone that's not me.
Anyway, I drew upon my mental connection to Fidget and pushed down on the air as I jumped. I could hear a gasp of surprise as wings of pure light shimmered into existence to give me enough of a boost to get high enough to be out of reach of the quarry eels. I then drew on my connection to Ahrah and held lightly onto him as he began to spin like an airplane propeller, carrying me the rest of the distance over the quarry.
What, I didn't tell you? Fuck, my memory must be full of holes. Yeah, Ahrah has a very limited mode of self locomotion in the form of hovering and spinning like a helicopter blade. That's how we use the Dust Storm.
Anyway, I had landed on the other side of the gorge when I heard a cry of pain. The blue pegasus had been idiotic enough to follow me over the gorge, and one of the eels had lunged out and snagged her hoof.
I sighed, hesitating.
Now I know what you are thinking. Why hesitate?
Because I don't actually hate the ponies. I just hate their rulers. Don't blame a people for something a ruler did, especially when those rulers are the ones who personally offended me long before any of these ponies were born.
Celestia and Luna would pay, yes, but I'd try to keep the common ponies out of it unless they were set up for some comedy gold.
But yes, I screeched to a halt and pointed my finger at the quarry eel. Fidget popped out from under my hat and lobbed a fireball at the eel and then slunk back under.
The quarry eel roared in pain, releasing the pegasus as I dove for her, grabbing her and using an Ahrah to pull ourselves to the edge of the gorge just as another eel's mouth occupied the space where the pegasus had just been.
What can I say? Even if I am the villain, I can still be the hero.
That made more sense in my head.
No it didn't.
Shut up, Niquolais.
So I saved the blue pegasus and set her down far enough away from the gorge that she wouldn't be tempting bait for the eels. She was flailing against my chest and back as I had grabbed her in the hold you keep babies in. I heard distant calls from Twilight for a Rainbow Dash to wait up.
"Well that's bad." Ahrah helpfully pointed out.
I grunted and, as the pony that I assumed Rainbow Dash was, given her hair was a rainbow, opened her mouth, I clapped my hands onto her ears and dropped her.
I don't hate ponies, but that doesn't mean I'm going to let one rat me out to Celestia.
Rainbow Dash dropped to the ground holding her ears as I leaped back over the gorge and hid in the foliage. I watched as the ponies regrouped and searched the area. They didn't find me, of course, because I was in a tree and they, being prey animals to ground-based predators, never looked up.
After the ponies left and the sun began to set, I decided that the gorge wasn't worth the glint of possible treasure that Fidget had reported was down there. I returned to the cave that I had turned into my home.
How'd I get my own cave?
Well, let's just say that bear meat is especially tasty when eaten in its own den.
When I reached my cave, it was shining with a suspicious orange light that went out as soon as I approached.
I nope'd off to Screwthatville.
Such events continued through the night, empty caves and hidey holes that I'd set up for situations like this all had a suspicious light, or small cough that caught my attention when there should be no such thing conceivably there.
Eventually I gave up the goose-chase and approached my primary cave and peered into the opening. Someone had set up a floodlight pointing at the entrance, and I could see the ponies from earlier trying to hide in various nooks in the bare cave walls.
"Fuck that noise." I said and waved my arm forward as Ahrah began to spin. Fidget lobbed a ball of energy at Ahrah, who split the ball into a million tiny projectiles that homed in on the ponies.
Okay, so it was more like fifteen or twenty projectiles, but that's still a lot.
The ponies began yelping as Fidget's energy balls impacted their hides. Luckily, Fidget had held back enough that the worst that the ponies would have would be a bruise the next day, but it was enough to flush them from cover. I turned my head to shade my eyes and stepped into the cave and past the floodlight. Pinkie Pie popped up in front of me and started to talk, but I was in no mood for her shit. I slammed Ahrah's pommel into her chin while her mouth was open. I could hear her teeth click shut and she started to dribble blood down her chin.
"Ooww! Ah bith mah thung!" Pinkie griped as she sat down. She stuck her tongue out at me and, sure enough, it had a clear set of herbivorous teeth marks in it. I picked her up by the scruff of her neck and flung her out of my cave. "Weeee!"
I turned and instinctively entered my parry trance when I saw both Rainbow Dash and an orange horse charged at me. I deflected them both, causing them to crash into Pinkie Pie.
Both the white unicorn and Twilight were preparing spells to cast as me, but I swiped that flat of Ahrah's blade across their horns and they stopped. I grabbed the unicorn by the horn before she could start back up and tossed her onto the growing pile of ponies at the door to my cave. Twilight tried to charge me, but she was slow and clumsy. I stepped around her and kicked her into the flailing melee of her friends.
I looked at Fluttershy, who was shivering in the back corner of my cave, and pointed at the pile of pretty pastel ponies. She made an adorable squeaking noise and slowly walked over to the pile and gently laid down on all of them.
"And stay out."
I opened my palm to the sky and Fidget tossed a bolt of lightning where I pointed my palm, which was at the roof at the mouth of the cave.
"Wait, this is a hor-" The lightning struck as Niquolais began to protest. Rocks fell and completely covered the entrance to my cave. "-rible idea. Gods' sake Dust, do you know what you've done?"
"Blocked to ponies out?" I shrugged.
"And blocked our way out. With no air. Now what?"
I looked at Ahrah, then at the back wall of my cave. It was a bit hard to see, but there was a small amount of light filtering through the rocks, and I was part fox cat thing, so I could see pretty well in the dark.
I looked back at Ahrah.
"No."
I grinned.
"I am not a tool, Dust."
"It's the only way." I pleaded.
"Fidget, back me up."
"I dunno, Ahrah. You are perfect for the job." Fidget said, rubbing her chin.
"There, see, even Fidget agrees. Democracy rules."
"That's not-" And then Ahrah got a metaphorical mouthful of literal dirt. It didn't so much as stop him from talking as it did muffle the noise.
Then Ahrah started bitching at us through our mental link.
Uncounted hours later, Ahrah sliced through the last section of rock. The sun was setting again, and I was surrounded by ponies in golden armour. Well, their statue likenesses, anyway.
Cockatrice must have been nearby. I decided to relocate immediately.