Diplomacy
“And your entire party has been killed by the bear…How did you suck this bad? Seriously it was only the first fight!” Discord commented looking at the group in front of him. “I even magiced up armor and robes for you to wear to fit your characters.” He told them.
Sitting around the table was the four humans and the six ponies each in a different costume that fit the character they had made.
“I’ll take this one.” Pete said. “Because a certain Ranger decided to shoot a crossbow at the back of our heads.”
“What?!” Rainbow responded. “I was supposed to be evil wasn’t I?” She asked.
“Not literally, it influences the way you act it doesn’t mean you just go and betray your party. We lost to a bear, not even a dire bear, a simple grizzly bear.” Pete told her.
“Well nopony told me the rules.” Rainbow countered.
“How does ‘not shooting your party in the back of their heads’ even require stating? It should be obvious” Pete responded.
“Well I’ve never played before.” Rainbow argued.
Pete sighed and looked up at Discord. “Perhaps we could continue this another time. I’m interested to see what someone like yourself could come up with as a DM. Perhaps without the ‘assistance’ of less experienced players” Pete said casting a glance towards Rainbow.
“We’ll have to continue some other time them.” Discord told him with a smirk. “Perhaps we could even make progress in restoring the characters you had before all this.” He added.
“That would be enjoyable, but now it isn’t really our turn to be speaking.” Pete told him. “I believe the mares wish to have a word with you.” He said casting a glance towards the mares.
Discord sighed. “Fine, I suppose I could lend my ear.” He said with a smile reaching up with a talon, and detached one of his ears tossing it onto the table in front of Twilight. She looked like she was slightly nauseous. The ear disappeared and was back on Discord’s head not a moment later. He rolled his eyes. “Does anypony here know how to take a joke?” He said with a sigh. “Tell you what, I’ll let you say your piece if you can tell me a good joke.” He told them.
“Ooh, Ooh. I have one.” Pinkie said jumping around. Discord waved his hand telling her to continue. “Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents.”
Discord as well as the humans put their heads in their hands and/or talons and shook their heads. “Pinkie, I expected more from you.” Pete told her.
“That was just a huge let down.” Discord agreed. “Next.” He said looking to the rest of the mares.
Applejack was the next contender. “Alright let’s see how you like this one. What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.”
That didn’t go over well either. “An apple joke really?” Discord asked. “I totally didn’t see that coming.”
“Anypony else have another terrible joke to add to the pile?” Pete asked.
“I have one.” Twilight said sheepishly. Everypony rolled their eyes, no one expected much from this. “A teacher is lecturing her students. She says that the tests were terrible and asks that anypony who thinks they don’t belong in this class to stand up. Of course nopony stands up. The teacher then say’s that with the grades some students obviously don’t belong here. A young stallion stands up. The teacher asks him why he thinks that he doesn’t belong in the class. He responds saying ‘Well ma’am I don’t, I just felt bad that you were standing alone.’” Everyone was staring at Twilight.
“…That… was actually pretty good.” Discord responded quite surprised.
“So… where’d you read it?” Pete asked.
She got sheepish again. “The History of Equestrian Comedy.” She answered.
Pete looked at Discord. “Well you didn’t say it had to be original.”
“That I didn’t. It seems that Celestia’s little student finally read something that had real practical value.”
“I read plenty of things that have practical value.” Twilight argued.
“Twilight before we left you were reading about the water levels of the oceans. How is that practical?” Pete asked her.
“Well I-” She started.
“Exactly, it isn’t now.” Pete walked to the front of the chariot. “Can we go ahead and turn this thing back towards Canterlot. We’ve already made contact so there’s no need to go all the way there, and I want to spend as little time on here as I possibly can.” He told the guards. They nodded and changed their course turning back towards Canterlot. “Now, diplomacy. I’ll just go stand by the rail and lose my lunch yet again since I will be of no use in that department.” He told them making his way over to the ledge.
“It he going to be okay?” Discord asked. “I’d hate to lose a good player since there’s finally somepony to play with, such an old game, Celestia and Luna probably hardly remember it.” Discord babbled.
“Yeah, he’ll be fine. He just gets air sick easily.” Jay affirmed. “It’ll take more than that to finish us off.” He continued with a smile.
“Like hoards upon hoards of infected?” Discord asked with a smirk.
“Considering circumstances, I don’t think that will put a hamper on our day.” Jay answered with a smirk of his own.
“Will you two stop flirting already and just get to some real business?” Pete called over.
“He’s a bit of a spoil sport when he has an empty stomach.” Jay told Discord.
“Oh ha ha. That’s just the funniest thing I’ve heard all day.” Pete responded.
“Tofu.” Jay said and Pete’s stomach became even emptier.
“Dammit Jay!” Pete called out as he finished.
“He really hates tofu.” Jay said smiling. “Makes him nauseous, I figured up here it would push him over the edge.”
“You are a cruel, cruel person.” Discord said smiling.
“But I’m still a great guy to be around.” Jay responded.
Twilight coughed lightly to get their attention. “Could we please focus on the important matters here?” She asked.
Discord sighed. “Very well, let’s get this over with.” He said waving a talon.
“As representatives of the ponies of Equestria we are here to convince you to aid us in surviving this epidemic.” She said formally.
“Alright sure, you’ve got a deal, now can I get back to my conversation?” Discord asked.
“I thought that’s what you would say at first so I prepared…What?!” Twilight asked in surprise.
“I said I agreed, I’ll help out the ponies, blah, blah, blah, and all that jazz. Now tell me Jay, what other fun things are there to do in your world?” He asked.
“But- but- but. Why? It can’t be that easy.” Twilight said freaking slightly.
Discord rolled his eyes and sighed again. “Twilight tell me, why would I refuse? If I don’t help you it is inevitable that everypony will eventually fall. You managed to delay it for a while with the help of these four humans but the end is still inevitable without my assistance, and despite what you may believe I’m not evil, just chaotic. If the entire world was to die who would be left to share my chaos with. It would get so very boring.” Discord told her.
“Great, mission complete, don’t suppose you have enough magic to just instantly teleport us back?” Pete asked Twilight who was just sitting there slack-jawed. Pete sighed. “Don’t suppose you could get us back to Canterlot?” He asked turning to Discord.
“Well why didn’t you just ask earlier?” Discord told his smiling as he held up a talon and snapped. The chariot was engulfed in a bright light and a moment later reappeared in the center of the Canterlot throne room. Much to the surprise of Luna and the guards pulling the chariot, who found their faces meeting the floor from the sudden stop. Discord just turned his attention to Luna and put on a large smile. “Honey I’m Home!” He called out with a smile.
Luna sat there surprised for a moment before recovering. “You managed to convince him?” She asked hopefully.
“No.” Pete told her bluntly, Luna’s hopeful expression dropped slightly. “Convincing means that we needed to change his mind.”
Luna put on a small smile then looked confused. “I thought you said you four weren’t going!” She said sternly looking at Jay.
“No I said I would respect your decision. I never said I was going to obey it.” He countered. “Why do I have to keep explaining this?” He asked to no one in particular.
“So what’s there to eat around here, I’m starving?” Discord said as he casual strolled towards the exit to the throne room surprising the young maid outside the door as he burst through it. She froze and stared with fear at the Lord of Chaos. “Excuse me miss, which way to the dining hall?” He asked. She didn’t make any move. He sighed. “Must I do everything myself.” He said walking off down the hallway.