So, you’re rich now.
You’re a lone, rich man sitting on a couch surrounded by so much dosh that you could probably swim through it like Scrooge McDuck if you wanted to. Better not try diving face-first into a pile of metal, though. That’d be stupid. Even though you could easily pay the resulting medical bills because YOU’RE FUCKING LOADED.
You need time to process this development. You’re on like no sleep right now and your mind has... stopped. Any complex thought that tries to take root just fizzles out and vanishes before you can capture it.
The magically levitated spoonful of ice cream that keeps poking you in the cheek isn’t helping, either.
“Anonymous? Anonymous, are you mad with me? Please, don’t be that way...”
Sun Horse is looking awfully remorseful right now, but you know better. It’s just an act. You bet she’s internally laughing her ass off, and you don’t blame her. You’re about ready to laugh too at the absurdity of this bullshit.
You open your mouth to say something, the spoon finds its way in, and your words are lost to the vanilla goodness. Wow, she sure knows how to pick her sugary treats. Determined not to allow your righteous anger to falter, you grab the spoon with one hand and the nearby levitating ice cream bucket with the other, and as indignantly as you can you plunge the spoon into the bucket and jam a heap of ice cream into your mouth. Oh, it’s chocolate and strawberry this time... nice.
NO! Keep your war face on, Anon. If you let her get away with shit like this it’ll set a bad precedent. You swallow and focus your evil eye on the still guilty but somewhat hopeful-looking alicorn.
“So... I take it you could’ve done this at any time?”
Celestia meekly turns away and twirls a forehoof in small circles on the ground. “Well... yes, I suppose, but I...” Oh, she’s good.
“I don’t even want to hear it,” you growl. “I just... I don’t know if I can even stand to look at you right now.”
She stomps a hoof in frustration and her tone hardens. “In my defense, you got home much earlier than I expected. All of this was supposed to be gone before you arrived! If anything, this is your fault, Anonymous!”
You drop your spoon into the bucket as a wave of anger washes over you. “Gone before I got here...? What, were you gonna hide it somewhere and laugh at me while I kept working my ass off for your benefit?! Am I just a big fucking joke to you or something?!”
Celestia rears back a bit and you instantly regret what you just said. She looks genuinely hurt.
“No... no, Anonymous. Please don’t ever think that. I’m very grateful for what you’ve done for me, and I would never do something like that to you. But the truth of the matter is that I’ve already spent all this money, and the seller is due to arrive soon to collect, so it won’t be around much longer.”
“Oh, is that all?” you sneer, retrieving your spoon and resuming eating your ice cream. In between bites you flash Celestia a mock joyful smile and she smiles back.
“W-Won’t it be nice to have the whole couch back with all this treasure out of the way, Anonymous? It’ll be easier to move around the house, too.”
“It sure will, Celestia! Golly gee willikers, I can’t wait! And by the way I hope you used the money to pay for your funeral arrangements because you’re fucking dead.”
Slowly, you set the ice cream down and crack your knuckles, then your neck as you stand. Celestia’s ears fold back and her pupils shrink as you begin to stalk toward her with killing intent. Before you can get within five feet of her she’s turned and fled out the door, her prey instincts kicking into overdrive, and you’re after her as fast as your legs will take you.
Celestia bounds like a gazelle through the streets of Ponyville and you follow like a freight train powered by rage. The fact that she stands so much taller than other ponies, combined with the massive multicolored mane and tail that whip behind her as she runs, makes it impossible to lose her in the crowd. Curious little ponies turn and stare at the two of you as you both deftly dodge random vendor carts, street traffic and pedestrians until the surrounding buildings of Ponyville start to be replaced by endless apple orchards and your chase takes you further and further away from home.
You don’t notice the cobblestone streets below your feet turn into grassy fields. You don’t really notice much of anything, as the singular focus of getting your hands on and throttling this horse is all that your conscious mind can handle at the moment.
But beyond that one thought, buried in the depths of your unconscious mind, other thoughts begin to take hold as the information captured by your senses is processed and questions are raised.
Questions like how is it that you’re able to keep up with a galloping horse on foot?
Questions like why isn’t she using her wings to simply fly away from you?
Questions like why doesn’t she use her incredible magic - powerful enough to overcome a dragon - to restrain you or escape?
Questions like why does she turn back every so often to make sure you’re there... and why is the look of pure, unrestrained joy on her face as she runs starting to temper your anger?
Your pace slows a bit as these unconscious thoughts begin to edge ever closer into your conscious mind’s perception. She turns back again, and it hits you like a ton of bricks.
She’s having the time of her life. She’s not merely happy. She’s not merely having fun. You can tell, in the way that her every muscle moves as she playfully runs from you, that this is one of the happiest moments of her life… one that she’ll look back on as a fond memory even when all other memories start to fade.
A step. Your foot hits the ground as you continue to run... a single step out of many as you’ve chased her this morning. But this one’s different. Every step you’ve taken before this moment has been to propel you toward her so you could unleash your fury at what she’s done and make her understand how her behavior has hurt you.
But this single step, and all the ones that follow, holds a new purpose. Suddenly you’re no longer chasing her to sate your anger. Instead, you chase her because you recognize something beautiful is happening right before your very eyes, and you don’t dare let it leave your sight.
You’ve climbed mountains in the past, even before coming to Equestria. You’ve pushed yourself beyond your own limits for the spiritual reward that comes from gazing at the world below your feet from the summit. You kept climbing because you believed that nothing else could capture that indescribably sublime feeling, and yet here it is again, personified in Celestia as she frolics just beyond your reach.
It’s enough to take your breath away.
And then the moment is broken when, in a burst of speed that surprises the both of you, you tackle her and the two of you go tumbling through the grass in a mass of arms, legs and wings. You come to a stop under the shadow of an apple tree. Celestia gazes up at you with surprised magenta eyes and you stare back down at her as you both pant for breath.
She lies on her back, forehooves held close to her chest which rises and falls with each breath she takes, and her mane spills out around her head as if she’s fallen into a puddle of pastel colors. Your own two arms support you above her, hands placed just above her spread wings, and you notice several white feathers slowly drifting around you in the wind.
The two of you lock eyes as your breathing begins to calm, but your mind is shot. You can’t remember why you were chasing her in the first place. You can’t even remember your own goddamn name right now. But your heart is pounding and you know you have to say something.
A few tears begin to well in the corners of your eyes as you finally find your voice.
“Do you have any idea about all the things I’ve agonized over during these past few weeks? The nights I spent awake counting every single bit in my head and trying to figure out how I could make it work...?”
She doesn’t turn away. Her eyes are deeper than the deepest ocean, and for a moment you feel a tremor of fear as the raw strength behind them shows forth for just an instant. Her songbird-like voice rings out to answer,
“I knew, and it broke my heart. So much so that before I realized what I was doing, I was taking wing to the distant mountains with the intention of fighting a dragon for his hoard.” She chuckles and turns her head to the sky. “Not quite a becoming action for one so long lived, or whom others believe to be wise.”
You pick yourself up and take a seat beside her, leaning against the trunk of the tree. She shifts her body and curls next to you and you both stare off into the expanse of Sweet Apple Acres.
“I don’t get it. If you knew, why’d you let me suffer in silence? If this was an option from the beginning, why not take it?”
She closes her eyes and smiles. “Because that’s not the kind of pony I want to be. Not anymore. I tried everything else, every other avenue, but it seems Twilight just wouldn’t have it. This was an act of desperation on my part, but what’s done is done.”
You think back to your day job hunting with Celestia... about how enthusiastic she was at the start, and even after she began to suffer rejection after rejection. When you learned that Twilight had specifically barred her from employment, you were absolutely pissed but could do nothing about it.
After that revelation, Celestia tried helping around the house more, finding little ways to save money here and there, but it never seemed to be enough and you slowly started falling into debt. Since you handled all the finances, you thought you could keep it from her until you could work out some kind of plan of your own, but that never materialized either.
You start to laugh uncontrollably, and Celestia looks at you curiously.
“So... so let me get this straight. You knew about my money problems, so you went and beat down a dragon and stole all his shit... and then you went and spent it all on something else, so we’re back to where we started! What was the point other than to make me have a mental breakdown, Roomie? And what’d you buy that costs that much, anyway?”
She proudly turns up her nose in an attempt to act nonchalant. “Oh, just a little gift for my gracious host. It’ll be a while before it arrives, but I think it’ll be to your liking.” She drops the act and shows you a true smile accompanied by a slight blush. “I also indulged a bit and bought some high class sweets. I’m afraid even after all these years I don’t quite have all my vices under control just yet...”
“A gift and some candy, huh?” you say, stifling another laugh. “That’s great and all, and I do appreciate the thought, but we’re gonna be homeless in a few weeks if we don’t do something...”
Celestia’s smile doesn’t falter. “I... suppose I should also mention that I paid off the mortgage on the house before making my purchases.” She turns away again, but her eyes dart back to find your own. “I... was hoping that maybe with the extra income, you could find it in your heart to host a freeloading guest for a little longer...?”
You swallow and nearly choke on your own saliva. She... she paid off the house?! Without your mortgage payment each month you’ll have enough to support the both of you on one income with money to spare! Before you can even think, you’ve reached over and pulled Sun Horse into a backbreaking hug. Two forelegs and two wings encircle your back in return and you feel all the tension leave your body.
After a few moments, you pull away from each other slightly so that you’re face to face. Celestia’s goofy smile draws out your own and the two of you start laughing at one another.
“Thank you... thank you so much,” you begin. “First the Geas and now this... you can stay with me as long as you want, Roomie. I’ll never be able to pay you back at this rate.”
She shakes her head. “No, Anonymous. It’s the other way around. Even with all this, and even with my gift, I’m still in your debt. I thank you for having me, from the bottom of my heart.”
“Well... if you’re willing to knock a few more dragons around, we could use a bigger TV...”
Celestia laughs again and shakes her head. “No... I’m afraid there’ll be no more of that. Agamemnon, the dragon whom I confronted, is a bit of a special case. He’s an old stalwart who renounced his clan, so consequently there is no clan to avenge him for having his hoard stolen. Most dragons belong to one of several great clans, and any attack on them is perceived as an attack on the entire house. Fighting a dragon with clan ties would likely result in an all-out war between dragon and ponykind, and Luna would be absolutely livid if I were to cause something like that...”
“Yeah... I don’t think a pony-dragon war is worth it for a new TV. Let’s just save for it like everyone else. Maybe cut back on the snacks or something?”
That statement earns a very exaggerated pout from Sun Horse, and you’re immediately compelled to pat her on the head in consolation.
“Just kidding.”
She smiles again and the two of you turn back to the orchard. Without realizing it you begin to lightly scratch her back with an idle hand and she closes her eyes in contentment. After several minutes of lazy scratching, you break the silence again.
“Hey... I know I keep asking you this, and you keep giving me non-answers, but I really want to know... why the hell did you show up on my doorstep that night, and why are you so dead set on staying with me? I mean, I really enjoy your company and everything and I’m glad you showed up, but I don’t understand. You could be anywhere you wanted right now, doing anything you wanted, and I don’t exactly live the most exciting life, you know…”
“True, I could be anywhere I wanted, and this is exactly where I want to be,” Celestia hums. “It’s difficult to describe, but there’s something about you that separates you from every other creature in this world, Anonymous.”
You point to yourself. “You mean... aside from the whole ‘human’ thing?”
She nods. “Yes, aside from that. Every pony, and even every non-pony knows of Celestia of Equestria, Goddess of the Sun. Even though I’ve renounced my title and position, I will always be that to them. Even though I no longer wear a crown, they still treat me with a level of deference and respect that I don’t feel I deserve. Some even look upon me with fear at the power I command. There is nothing I can do to change it... no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I wish for it... I’ll never be a normal pony again.”
She turns to you and the look on her face makes you recall that moment from earlier today that so entranced you... the sublime beauty of her joy... and your heart starts beating a little bit faster.
“But you, my little human... you were not born here. You were not raised to know me as a force of nature and guiding hoof in your world. I could tell from the moment I first met you... you speak to me like an equal. You get mad at me when I misbehave. And you treat me like a true friend. For many years, I’ve tried to stress the importance of the magic of friendship to my students, but the hidden reality was that because of my place in this world as the Princess of the Day, I could never hold true friends myself.”
She smiles at you. A genuine, gracious, joyous smile that you can’t help but return.
“But now, at last, through some twist of fate that drew you here... I have one. Anonymous, you didn’t just free me from the burden of my position... the simple fact that you see me as just another ‘crazy horse’ is the greatest gift I’ve ever received, and no amount of riches will ever be able to match it.”
You’re almost crying again. So that’s why... the wandering hand on her back moves to scratch behind her ears as you whisper, “Hey. You’re not just another crazy horse. You’re my favorite crazy horse. Don’t you forget that.”
She giggles and leans into your touch. “Then all the better.”
“You ready to go home?”
“Yes, let’s go home.”
You both stand and begin the trek back, side by side, oblivious to the rainbow-maned pegasus who leaps from one of the treetops and takes to the air as you leave.
~~~~~~~~~
“SHE DID WHAT?!?!”
A red aura surrounds the pegasus guard and lifts him into the air, his hooves flailing as he loses his sense of balance.
“Y-Yes, your Highness! Our recon squadron confirmed it... sometime last night the dragon Agamemnon the Clanless of the Northern Mountains was attacked by the former Princess and robbed of his hoard. The scouts reported that the cave was empty when they arrived and the dragon himself was in a state of magical suspension...”
The aura fades and the guard tumbles to the shiny marble floor in which an immaculately dressed white unicorn is admiring her perfectly styled mane.
“Yes, darling, I positively FELT it when Celestia brought all those gems and treasures into town! My cutie marks were tingling all over!”
The butter-yellow pegasus beside her turns her head to the side and whispers. “I… I bet that wasn’t the only thing that was tingling...” The pink earth pony on her other side fights to suppress a guffaw.
“Did you say something, Fluttershy?” Rarity asks.
“N-No...” Fluttershy meekly replies, slinking further into the background as a nearby earth pony noble pushes his glasses up with a hoof and steps forward.
“In addition, your Highness, our spies in the local Ponyville government have reported that Anonymous the Human’s home loan has been paid in full using bits dating from the years when Agamemnon was last active in Equestria. We’re reasonably certain that the funds came from his hoard.”
Twilight Sparkle falls back on her haunches, her crown tilting a bit as her mane and tail begin to become frazzled once again.
“I can’t believe it,” she gasps. “I was certain I had her in checkmate! All my observations of her past behavior and the historical records never pointed to ANY kind of extreme action like this with the exception of Luna’s banishment...” She starts to chew one of her hooves with worry. “It looks like I completely underestimated you, Teacher... I’ll need to adjust my plans accordingly...”
A blue portal opens near the room’s entrance and a cyan pegasus flies through, performing a few showy loops in the air that no one pays attention to before landing and striking a bold pose.
“Hey everypony! Hey Princess!” she exclaims. “I’m back from my super awesome mission!”
Twilight perks up. “Rainbow! How was it? Did the gem work as expected?”
Rainbow Dash scratches her mane. “Um... sorta. I did like you said and followed them when I saw ‘em leave the house. Anon kinda chased her all the way to AJ’s farm, then they just talked for a while and left. It was really boring.”
Twilight flies over to examine the gem attached to one of Rainbow’s hooves. “Well? How close were you able to get before it reacted?”
“It was weird. At first I was able to get about two trees away before it lit up, but the more they talked the more it started shining and I had to keep backing away. By the time they left I couldn’t get closer than eight trees before it lit up. I think this thing’s busted, Princess...”
Twilight’s pupils shrink and she nearly collapses. “No way... they’re closer than ever! And that means the Geas is stronger than ever too! No, no, no!” The pony princess slams her hooves into the marble floor, her latent earth pony strength causing various cracks to appear in its flawless surface. “UGH! I’ll need to redo my entire formula now! Unbelievable!”
She conjures a giant chalkboard containing a single massive magical equation which she quickly starts to edit. The ponies gathered in the room can’t help but gaze upon the board and most start sweating bullets as they attempt to contain their laughter. The equation itself, while incomprehensible on a technical level to anyone without several post-graduate degrees in magic, is still relatively simple to understand. On the left side is a bunch of magi-mathematical gibberish. There’s an ‘equals’ sign in the middle. And on the right side is a stick figure human sticking its stick figure dick in stick figure Princess Twilight, proudly drawn with the appropriate chalk colors.
Truly, this is Twilight’s masterpiece.
She spends several minutes erasing, rewriting, and staring at her work before sighing and setting her chalk down.
“It’s no use... I can come up with all sorts of clever loopholes to change things in his environment and even talk to him, but they ultimately amount to nothing but cheap tricks! With Anon and Celestia’s friendship this strong I’ll never get a chance to rut him senseless!”
Tears begin to fall down the pretty Princess’ face as Rarity trots over to comfort her.
“There, there, dear. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be? I know it can be difficult to have to give up on the object of your affections, but look on the bright side! You’re royalty! You could marry a duke, or perhaps a prince, in a fairytale wedding, no less! Isn’t that exciting?”
Twilight sniffles. “No, Rarity... you don’t understand. I love Anon, but there’s also another part of it... another reason why it has to be him.” Her ears fold back with embarrassment. “You... you know I’ve always been kind of a bookworm, right?”
Everyone in the room immediately nods.
“Well... I know this is going to sound weird, but… when I was young, Cadance would sometimes read me those old stories… you know, of Princesses finding their Princes, of destined love overcoming any trial. I loved those stories, even as I grew older and realized how silly and far-fetched they were…”
Her ears fold back a bit, and she flashes a shy smile to her friends.
“It’s tough to say this, but… I was always focused on my studies, even from a young age. I never really looked at colts that way, and I never really cared to find romance outside of indulging in a book every so often. But when I met Anon, I… I just sort of… knew. It took me a long time to admit it, but something was so special about him, and I couldn’t get him out of my mind! I couldn’t even focus on my reading, or my reports, or anything!”
Her wings flutter a few times as she continues to pace back and forth.
“Even though I know it sounds silly, and even though it’s completely irrational, I… nopony… knows how he was brought here, and I think that maybe… maybe it’s destiny at work, just like in the old stories. That’s why I know he loves me. I can feel it! He’s just afraid to show it, but I know it’s there… and I know I can bring it to the surface if I keep trying! None of the heroines of those stories ever gave up, and neither will I!”
The room goes silent for a few moments, and Twilight’s cheeks begin to flush with embarrassment as she desperately waits for someone to say something. Much to her surprise, she’s tackled out of nowhere by a yellow blur and pulled into a hug that could crush a bear’s spine.
“Oh! Oh, Princess!” Fluttershy cries. “I know exactly how you feel! Don’t you worry one little bit; we’re your friends and we’re here to help you! Right, girls?”
Rarity smiles and nods. “Of course, darling.”
“You know it!” Rainbow proclaims.
Pinkie simply grins. “Whatever you say, Fluttershy!”
Twilight looks to each of her friends in turn and her cautious smile begins to grow wider. “Thanks, girls. I’ve... I’ve really been taking your friendship for granted lately, and I’m sorry. I really apprecia—”
She suddenly stops speaking as her eyes sweep over the chalkboard again. “Friendship... friendship! THAT’S IT!” The chalk levitates and begins to furiously scribble new formulas across the board. After several moments of frantic writing, Twilight stops and steps back to admire her work with wide eyes.
“I’ve done it. I’ve found a way to break the Geas. I’VE DONE IT! Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes~!”
The purple alicorn hops in circles with glee, slight flutters of her wings helping to increase her height as her friends watch on with smiles of their own. Eventually, she calms down and begins to explain the details of her plan to four sets of attentive ears...
~~~~~~~~~
Celestia walks through the living room carrying empty buckets of ice cream to the trash in her magical grip. A snort of discomfort from the nearby couch catches her attention and she sets the buckets down.
Poor Anonymous... as soon as the treasure was picked up by the agency he immediately collapsed and fell asleep. He couldn’t even make it to his own bed… he must’ve really worked hard in Canterlot. She notices the blanket she carefully placed over him earlier has half fallen to the floor, and she gently encompasses it in her aura to place it properly.
Anonymous smiles in his sleep in response and curls up a bit more. She feels a flutter in her heart at the sight that gives her pause, and slowly, ever so slowly, she leans down to place a quick kiss on his forehead, but quickly jumps away when an extra loud snore startles her.
“Just be content with what you have, Celestia,” she tells herself as she shakes her head and laughs at her own silliness.
Picking up the buckets again, she trots into the kitchen, leaving Anonymous to his dreams.