If I told you what I was doing right now, you wouldn't believe me.
To be fair, if I told myself last week what I would be doing right now, I probably would have punched myself in the face. The past five days had been hectic, and the first day was unbelievable enough. I had no idea that the next four would only escalate in general craziness. And that’s why I was currently running down the street of a village populated by magical talking ponies, chased by an overgrown, fire-breathing lizard, all while not wearing pants. Like I said, it’s been a crazy week.
“I WILL FEAST ON YOUR ENTRAILS, WHELP!” the dragon bellowed. He had been less than happy when he caught me bathing in ‘his lake’. I probably shouldn't have told him to shove it, but to be fair, it was a really big lake, and he was barely using it. I also probably shouldn't have tried to use my pants as a distraction, but at the time I hadn't considered that he would chase me five miles down the mountain and into the middle of town.
I didn't respond to the angry lizard, because I was already spending most of my energy sprinting. I've never been what I’d call a fat slob, but I’m no Olympic sprinter either. And even with impending death as some really powerful motivation, five miles is still really far.
My plan at this point was to hope to god that some of the town’s inhabitants would come out and help me, though I wasn't terribly optimistic. As far as I was concerned, the ponies in this world might have access to magic, but they were also part fainting goat. I've seen children face their nightmares with more bravado then some of these adult ponies facing down a bunny stampede. Also, and this might just be me, but I wouldn't be so quick to help out the pantsless weirdo who just dragged an angry dragon into the middle of my town.
Still, the ponies of this town were pretty much my only hope. So I was immensely grateful when the angry purple one with the wings and the horn stepped out into the street with her posse. Our last couple of encounters hadn't gone so well, but I was sure this time would be better.
“What in Equestria is going on here?” she demanded. You can tell that she’s the smart one though, because when she looked at me and then the angry dragon behind me, she figured it out pretty quickly.
“I-Is that a d-d-dragon?” asked the yellow one behind her, like it was just some bad dream and not an angry avatar of wrath lighting half the town on fire. If I had had the energy, I would have rolled my eyes.
“Come on girls, we have to put a stop to this!” the purple one shouted, and the group leapt into action to battle with the fire-breathing reptile a hundred times their size. Normally, that sentence would sound pretty suicidal, but the purple one was a princess and titles here apparently go to the ponies with the biggest magical dick. At least, I’m pretty sure they do. All I know is that the only other princess I knew of in Equestria controlled the freaking sun. Allegedly, anyway.
Together with her friends, the group of them powered some sort of magical super weapon. I wasn't sure of all the details, but I did know that they had spent the better part of the last two days trying to hunt me down for crimes I may or may not have committed. I was just glad that group had decided to focus on the dragon and not me, and the dragon had thankfully turned his attention to them as well.
So I was feeling pretty confident that they could handle it, when it crossed my mind that dragons generally ranked somewhere between heavily resistant to and completely impervious to magic. I briefly wondered whether that applied to the dragons of this world when I heard a large explosion behind me and the blue one went sailing over my head and crashed into a nearby wall. With that question answered, I turned to see a majority of the group down for the count, with the dragon currently preoccupied with trying to light the yellow one on fire. The yellow one, to her credit, was doing her very best not to become a flying tiki torch, but it was likely only a matter of time.
On the one hand, it’s hard to feel pity for someone who just yesterday was trying to hunt me down. But on the other hand, I couldn't help but feel like everything that had just happened was partially my fault. After all, the dragon was only here because it had chased me. And while now would be the perfect time for me to make my escape, it just didn't sit right with me to let those dumb ponies get eaten by the dragon. So I charged up my own magic.
Crazy week.
If I had to pick something in this place that took the most getting used to, it wouldn't be the talking animals or walking myths; it would be the magic. I didn't believe in it at first, but it's just so in your face all the time that it's hard to deny that it exists. It’s hard to really explain, but magic really is everywhere here. It even permeates the air, and as a result, you feel stronger, you run faster, and you just feel more alive. Well, I did anyway. Let me tell you though, even though magic sounds really neat, it’s more of a pain in the ass than anything. Let me explain.
If you woke up one day to discover that you had the power of the universe at your fingertips, what would you do? I’m guessing that ‘Human Flashlight’ wasn't at the top of your list, but when I discovered that I had this ability, I decided to start out small. It was dark and I figured that a simple ball of light spell would be a pretty easy foray into magic. I was wrong.
If you've never done magic before, it’s surprising how technical it is, but I think I have a good way to explain how it works. Magic is kind of like filling a cup with water, and the different spells are like having different sized cups or maybe filling the cup with Gatorade. Now that sounds really simple, if you have a faucet, or maybe a garden hose, but I had a fire hose fueled by Old’ Faithful. When I tried, I blasted the cup off the counter and flooded the room.
If you know anything about physics and energy, you can probably guess what happened. Let’s just say that I managed to blind myself for half a day and burned down a nice chunk of forest, which in turn, got me in all sorts of trouble with the locals. In short, I’m not a huge fan of magic, and magic isn't much of a fan of me either. I've had these powers for less than a week and they've almost gotten me killed more times in that short period of time than anything back home ever did.
Still though, I have a hell of a lot of power, even if I don’t really know how to use it. I’m the magical equivalent of a toddler with a loaded handgun, and everyone around here knew it. That much power in the wrong hands is what even I’d call a major problem, and as a result I scared the hell out of a lot of people. To be honest, it’s hard for me to blame them, but it did put me in an interesting position.
So after I finished gathering a sizable mass of magical energy, I took aim and launched it at the dragon. I even sent a good luck insult along with it.
“Hey, Scaleybutt!” I shouted. The dragon turned towards me, hate in his eyes, prepared to turn me to ashes… right as my ball of magic caught him square in the face.
Contrary to popular belief, you can in fact just throw a ton of magical energy at something; it’s just that it’s really inefficient. In my case though, it’s like the difference between hitting something with a bus or a train; it didn't really matter. And lord knows it’s easier to clean up after a bus crash then a train wreck.
Dragons may be heavily resistant to magic, but when you’re throwing around as much magical energy as I was, you can bet that he was going to feel it. When the dragon got hit, he obviously wasn't expecting it and he bowled over pretty hard, flattening a nearby house. But we don’t call our dragon slayers legends for nothing, because dragons are seriously tough, and he was back up in no time. Clearly, I should have gone with a train.
So I was back to square one, running from an angry dragon, only this time he was even angrier. There was also like zero chance that I was going to get any help and to top it all off, I didn't know enough about my only advantage, my considerable magic power, for it to be of much help. And I still wasn't wearing pants.
It’s in situations like these that you learn what kind of person you really are. When you figure out whether you’re the guy who gets eaten by a dragon or the guy who slays the dragon and gets the pretty girl. Me, I’m a survivor, and I sure as hell wasn't going to let myself become lunch.
So as soon as the dragon started chasing me again, I started searching for a way out. You’d think that world catching fire and exploding around you would be terribly distracting, but like I said, impending death is a hell of a motivator. So despite the fact that I was running for my life and one wrong turn would probably kill me, my head was surprisingly clear.
In fact, all the flying debris from the chaos around me is what gave me my way out. My magic wasn't strong enough, or rather, focused enough to inflict any real damage on the dragon, but a big pile of debris probably would. All I had to do was find a way to shoot it at him.
Let me tell you that improvising a magic cannon while being chased by an angry dragon is no easy feat. It’s not that I didn't have the power to do it; I have power in spades, and I don’t even need to be all that controlled about it, since I really just need it to go boom. Distracting the dragon so he didn't notice wasn't that hard either, since he was too preoccupied trying to murder my face off. No, the problem was remotely gathering enough energy to make it go boom and then figuring out how to aim it, all while not dying. That last part is key, and the dragon was not on board with that part of the plan.
After a couple of minutes of trying really hard not to die though, I had gathered what I considered to be enough energy to make what I’d consider to be a ‘really fucking big boom’. Now I was going to have to move into phase 2 of my brilliant plan.
I had made a crude magical cannon with a pile of debris, but I didn't have the technique necessary to really properly aim it, and certainly not with the kind of power I put behind it. All I could do was sort of point it in a direction and hope for the best. So if there was any way this was going to work, I had to get the dragon to stand in front of it, and the only way I could think of to do that was to use myself as bait.
Genius, I know.
So I built my makeshift cannon at the entrance to a back alley. It was the only way I could be reasonably sure that the dragon would approach it the way that I wanted him to; with the cannon pointed at his face. The plan was to run down the alley and for the dragon to try and follow me, so I could shoot off the cannon. So I ran down the alley, only for the dragon to fly up and land on one of the houses that made up the walls.
Well, shit.
“Any last words before you die, worm?” bellowed the dragon as he peered down at me from above. I could redirect the cannon, but it was going to take some time, as Merlin I am not and it was unstable enough as it was. I had to stall for time.
“Don’t kill me?” I offered. The dragon laughed. If you've never heard a dragon laugh before, let me tell you; it’s super creepy. It sounds so human and almost jolly, but then you remember that it belongs to a murderous hell-beast that’s about to melt your face off. But his weirdo chuckle had given me the time I needed to redirect the cannon.
“I think not,” he deadpanned. I grinned.
“Well, fuck you too, buddy,” I replied and I dropped to the floor as the world exploded.
I mentioned before how much damage I caused when I tried a simple light spell, so you can imagine what things were like when I was actually trying to do some damage. I’d like to say that I watched what happened, but I’d be insane to have my eyes open with that much debris flying around. All I know is that when I opened my eyes again, both of the houses that made up the alley were completely gone. Underneath the pile of rubble that used to be one of the houses, the dragon lay, with only his tail and a couple limbs poking out. His leg twitched a little bit as I got up.
“Suck it, Godzilla!” I shouted. I was genuinely surprised that it worked, and I’m not going to lie, but I was pretty pleased with myself. I probably could have ridden that high forever if someone hadn't taken me out with a frying pan.
Now I know that frying pans are a bit of a joke. It’s funny when a strong female lead uses one, because on the one hand it represents her repression, but on the other it shows that she’s even willing to use her shackles as a weapon and that she doesn't ‘take no shit’ from the Man. It’s a cutesy tongue and cheek thing. Let me be the first to say that all of that is bullshit though, because frying pans fucking hurt. They hurt like hell when you wake up after taking one to the head, so I can only imagine the agony they cause in the first place.
After I moved past the ringing in my ears, I was mildly surprised to find that I had been chained to a table. Although, maybe chained wasn't the right word, since it would imply that whoever chained me there at least pretended that the setup would hold me. The manacles they had me in were a little too big, and the little loop that held the chain to the table looked like it was made of aluminum. I was pretty sure that these cuffs wouldn't hold me for longer than five minutes tops if I wanted out.
The table I was chained to was made of some hardwood and far too small for me to sit at, as was the chair I was seated on. I felt like a kid in 1800s detention, but if worse came to worst, I was pretty sure I could just carry the table with me. The room they had me in was small and made of stone, and the only egress was a wooden door, but I was pretty sure that I could handle it once I got the chains off. If nothing else, I might be able to use the table as a makeshift battering ram.
My thoughts of escape were interrupted, however, when the door swung open and the angry purple one stepped inside. She looked like a normal pony, about four feet tall but with really exaggerated features, as well as a horn and a pair of wings to add to the weird. She called herself Twilight Sparkle, which was about the gayest name I've ever heard and she was a princess.
Normally, when someone is a princess, it implies that she’s related to the throne, but as far as I knew, she wasn't. Last time I was in town, someone had told me that she was the student of one of the diarchy, and that she had completed some magic spell that had turned her into an Alicorn, which meant that she had wings and a horn. Somehow, this made her royalty. She also had a serious talent for magic.
One of the weird things about ponyland was that each and every pony in this world that had reached adulthood has a pair of matching tattoos on their ass that was supposed to represent whatever their special talent was. Twilight had a six-pointed star on her flank, surrounded by other, smaller stars. I have no idea how that represented magic, but it mostly sounded like bullshit to me, so what do I know? Like, she had one friend whose butt tattoo was of 3 apples. What does that even mean?
The last time we met, I’d taken to calling her ‘Sparklebutt’, so needless to say, she didn't like me very much.
“Dread,” she said flatly, addressing me. Okay, I can explain.
See, when I was still back home, my name was Michael. More than anything in the world, my favorite thing to do was to cosplay. Well, not cosplay exactly, but to make the costumes themselves; wearing them to Cons and such was just a bonus. And I was in a bit of a creative drought when I found a pretty sweet amulet out at an antiques shop. It was a pentagon of dark metal with an orange gem set in the center. The weird owner tried to convince me that the thing was cursed, but I ignored him. After all, who the hell sells a cursed amulet for $20?
Now I had my inspiration, and that inspiration’s name was Dread. You see, I love making costumes, but I also dabble in dozens of other hobbies, and one of them was writing. And I’d been writing a story forever, with the working title of Dread, after the titular main character.
In the story, Dread is a sorcerer with an immense amount of magical power who at the start of the story has become completely evil. But as you read the story, you learn more about Dread, his past, and why he is the way he is, until at the end you’re supposed to question whether or not Dread is really the evil one.
I won’t bore you with all the details, but one of the things about Dread is that he’s got this amulet that everyone around him assumes is the source of his power, until the remove it and learn that it’s really a limiter designed to keep the more dangerous parts of his powers in check as well as to preserve his sanity. The amulet I found reminded me a lot of Dread’s amulet, and that’s why I decided that Dread was going to be my next costume.
Now Dread’s costume isn't super exciting or complicated, because I designed it to be super practical, since he was supposed to be one of those cold and calculated type of villains. At its core, the costume is a dark grey shirt and pants, a black cloak with a hood, a set of black leather gloves and boots with matching dull metal arm guards, greaves and chest armor, and the amulet. The only thing even remotely exciting is his mask, which looks like a skull with an extended mandible with vertical slits instead of a lower jaw; think Punisher skull. It was a little simplistic for my expertise, but my enthusiasm for bringing my own character to life outweighed that.
Unlike most wizards, Dread doesn't carry a staff, mostly because I think staves are stupid. He does carry a sword though, and I had a couple from other costumes, so I used the plainest-looking longsword prop I owned. All in all, it took me less than a month to put the costume together once I figured out what I wanted to do. And when I finish a costume, I wear it to the next Con in the area. I didn't have to wait long, Dragon Con was the following weekend.
Once I got to the con, I had a lot of people ask what I was supposed to be, so I had a whole routine set up where I did a voice and a pose while I announced who I was. None of them had a clue, because why would they, but I do good work, so I had a lot of people who were impressed and some who wanted to take pictures. It was so enchanting that I went three hours into the con before I realized that I wasn't wearing the amulet because I had left it in the car.
It was past seven and I was getting hungry, so I stopped to get some food before I ran to my car to get the amulet. After I retrieved it and put it on, I started feeling a little ill on the walk back to the Con, but I figured it was just something I ate. As I kept going though, the world started spinning, and I passed out.
When I came to, I heard someone ask what I was supposed to be, so I did my routine almost on reflex. I did the whole thing before I realized that I wasn't talking to a person but rather a cream color pony with a red mane. She screamed, I screamed, there was a lot of screaming and then some stuff happened that I don’t really want to get into… and here I am. I’d been rolling with the Dread name ever since because, well I’m not exactly sure why, but I feel like it’s in there now, so as long as I was here, I would be Dread.
“Dread,” Twilight continued, clearing her throat. “You broke into the Ponyville Library-“
“Allegedly,” I corrected. I couldn't help but throw in some sass in this situation.
“-Stole our books-,” she continued.
“Allegedly.”
“-Burnt down half of the Everfree-”
“Allegedly.”
“-Fought with the Royal Guards-“
“Allegedly.”
“-Impersonated a Clergypony-,” I chuckled at the memory; it was a good one.
“-And finally, you destroyed half of Ponyville,” she finished.
“A-lleg-ed-ly.”
“Stop saying ‘allegedly’.”
“Then stop stating everything as fact,” I demanded. “Show me the evidence.”
“Evidence?” she blinked. “I was there.”
“Prove it. There could be hundreds of godlike purple Alicorns out there, and I’ll be honest, you all look the same to me.” She mulled that one over for a second while I rambled on.
“Plus, if I’m the super dangerous criminal that you claim I am, what’s to stop me from just blasting my way out of here?” That she had an answer for.
“You can’t,” she stated, rather matter-of-factly, looking smug. “The walls of this room are made of Magite; it disrupts even the strongest of magical energies. You can’t cast any spells in here; no one can.”
I blinked at her, not sure I was believing what she was saying. Surely no one could be that stupid, but I had to be sure.
“Are you stupid?” I asked, as I watched something inside her break, like she had never heard those words together before.
“W-What?” she managed to stutter out.
“Are you, Twilight Sparkle, retarded?” I asked, using her full name for emphasis. She opened her mouth to say something, but I kept going.
“You must be. After all, I might have a lot of magical power, but I've been using magic for less than a week. I don’t need it.” I could see her mind reeling, searching through the possibilities of what I was about to say. I continued.
“But you,” I gestured. “Magic’s all you've fucking got.”
I watched the weight of what I had just said hit Twilight like a sack of bricks, and she started to mouth her panic over and over. I grinned as I ripped the chain that joined my manacles to the table upwards. The loop holding the chain to the table broke with an audible crack.
“Yeah,” I said, as I drew up to my full height. “’Oh shit’ is right.”
And then I leapt over that table.