//------------------------------//
// I am the Egg Man 
// Story: Twilight at the Disco 
// by 6ix 
//------------------------------//


The morning after Twilight’s departure to the Crystal Kingdom was met with emptiness. No guard or servant could be seen in the halls of the castle, the vast building appeared abandoned overnight. As the first rays of sunlight lit up the void a single door in the royal apartments opened and a white mare with a blonde mane stepped out into the hall.
Mary Blood’s eyes widen at the vacancy of the corridor. It was mandatory for an escort to be near a member of the royal family.
“Guard!” She yelled.
The air in front of her shimmered and sparkled; a pegasus assigned as her detail appeared out of nowhere.
“Bark!” he said before he bowed his head at her.
“Did you just bark at me?” Mary asked in disbelief.
“Yes, my lady,” The guard answered respectfully.
Mary narrowed her eyes at him but decided to let it go; she had far too many plans to be distracted.
“Guard, just ge-“
“Bark!” The guard interrupted.
Mary’s eyes widen as her jaw hung unhinged. “Did you just bark again? What is the meaning of this disrespectfulness?”
“My apologies, Lady Mary Blood.” He bowed again. “New castle policy; effective today when a guard is called on and or addressed as ‘guard,’ we are to bark.”
Mary frowned at the guard. “Who would enact such a ridiculous policy?”





“Lord Discord, is all this really necessary?” A guard asked the spirit.
Discord was strutting down one of the many hallways in the castle. Behind him his escort wobbled back and forth on a unicycle; he rested an oversized spork on his shoulder instead of a spear. His normally golden armor was red with black polka dot and his helmet was replaced with white turban.
“I am currently the ruler of Equestria,” Discord answered. “I must be protected.”
The guard glanced his spork. “From what, salads?” He said under his breath.
Discord abruptly stopped, making the guard nearly fall over as he tried to brake. “What is your name again?” he asked without looking back at him.
“Um…”
“Um? Is that a Greek name?” Discord mocked.
“What’s a Greek?” The guard asked.
Discord sighed. “Never mind; what is your name?”
“Spear Point,” he said proudly.
“Nope,” Discord said with a smirk. “Your name is now Spork End.”
“I’m rather fond of my real name, my Lord,” Spork End said with an uneasy voice.
“Well, Spork.” The guard cringed as Discord called him that. “You should have thought of that before mocking me.”
“But my Lord-”
“I can always make it Salad Spoon,” Discord interrupted.
“My name-”
“It’s quickly becoming Salad Tosser,” the spirit sang.
“Shutting up now, my Lord,” Spork answered quickly.
“Very good,” Discord said as he started walking again. The pair came to the spiral steps that led up to the guest bedroom of the tower. Many invitees of the royal family have passed through this room; politicians, ambassadors, foreign leaders, and personal friends; its current occupant was Queen Chrysalis.
“Wait here,” Discord requested as he flew up the stairs.
“Princess!” Discord cried out as he threw open the doors of the bedroom. Across the elegantly decorated room stood Chrysalis, her back turned to the door as she looked out the main window.
“I’m a queen,” She responded smugly without looking back at him.
“We all have our hobbies.” Chrysalis ignored his comment. “Forgive me,” the spirit went on. “There are so many princesses here.” Discord pulled on his goatee; the top of his skull popped open and the cartoonish head of Luna, Celestia, Candace, and Twilight sprang forth like they were jumping out of a jack-in-the box. “I feel like a clown at a spoiled filly party.”
Chrysalis smirked. “You will hear no argument from me.”
“So it does joke!” Discord commented as he shoved the princesses back into his head. As he pulled his claws away from his head he brushed against the flower that still grew there. Discord paused for a moment and felt the soft petals against the scales of his eagle claw.
Chrysalis groaned and rolled her eyes. “If you’re here for a purpose, get to the point; if not, I'm busy.”
“Yes, brooding alone in an empty room surely is hard work,” Discord teased, trying to get a rise out of the changeling. “You see, my current responsibilities have become overwhelming,” Discord said as he swooned. “Just look at this schedule!” He pulled a rolled up parchment out of nowhere and let the end of it fall to the ground. The paper unrolled itself and bounced a few time as it came to a halt at Chrysalis’ hooves. She picked the end of it and gave the agenda a glance. The to-do-list kept rearranging itself. One moment Discord was scheduled to greet some ambassador this evening then that appointment jumped to the morning, yesterday morning. “I just can’t keep up with it,” Discord added.
“No one could,” Chrysalis commented to herself.
“So I said to myself.” To the left of him another Discord, with a monocle on, popped into existence. The two spirits sat down in tall, red, elegant chairs, both of them holding teacups. They spoke in a thick, pompous, accent. “I say, Lord Discord, there is much to be done,” The left one said before sipping his tea. “Indubitably!” The right Discord responded. “However does the princess do it?”
“I am not amused,” Chrysalis said in a dry voice. “Get to the point.”
“You are a queen,” Discord said as the chairs and his clone vanished. “I need an assistant.” Discord raised his claws in the air. “And what better assistant for the Spirit of Chaos than one that can change their shape at will?”
Chrysalis scoffed at him but she turned around and faced him. “You want one of my changelings, my children, to service you?”
Discord pulled out paper fan from behind him, started fluttering himself and spoke in a high pitch southern tone. “Oh my, it sounds so dirty when you say it.”
“Just clarify what you want,” The Queen said with a groan.
Discord let his arms drop as he slumped forward with a scowl on his face. “I never thought I would find a being more drab and uptight than Luna.”
Chrysalis’ temple started to throb, irritated that he would compare her to one of the pony princesses. “Fine! If I give you one of my attendants will you leave me in peace?”
Discord clapped his claws and nodded.
“I suggest Hiss; Hiss’ only job was to wait on me. I am obviously away. The distra-” Discord snapped his claw and was gone before she could finish. Chrysalis sighed. “Three, two, one.” Discord came back in flash of light.
“They all look alike!” he exclaimed throwing his arms up in frustration.
Chrysalis chuckled lightly at the spirit.
“You laugh, but that was a raci- wait.” Discord pointed a claw at her. “You laughed!”
Chrysalis turned her muzzle up at him. “Your frustration entertains me, that is all.”
Discord picked up his schedule off the floor and began to roll it up, glancing at it just enough to see his next appointment. “So how am I going to find this ‘Hiss’?”
“We’re a hive.” Chrysalis said as she turned back around. “Did you try asking?”
Discord creased his brow and narrowed his eyes as he scolded himself under his breath. He snapped his claw again and was gone.





Discord popped back into the hive with a Chinese gong as tall as him and ready to go. He raised a leather beater, ready to rattle the entire hive, but froze when he looked around. The entire hive was wall to wall Twilights. All at once they spoke in unison.
“Hello, Lord Discord, want to play a game?”
“Err…um.” Discord mumbled to himself as he tried to remember why he was there. He shook his head until his eyes rattled in his skull. “Hiss?” He said, still uncertain.





Chrysalis turned around and faced the flash of light that had announced Discord’s return.
“I found him!” Discord exclaimed as he presented Hiss to her like it was gift.
Chrysalis gave the spirit an annoyed glare. She was getting tired of him. Everything from the way he talked to his hyperactive, and sometimes bipolar, personality twisted every nerve in her body. “Hiss is a female,” she growled.
Discord put “Hiss” down and started hovering around her like a bee to a flower; examining her features. He huffed as if he gave up on something and randomly lifted her hind leg to look under her.
“H-hey!” Hiss yelled and kicked him in the face knocking the spirits head off his body. She screamed with a shrill as Discord’s decapitated head bounced and rolled to a stop. Hiss dove behind Chrysalis. “I’m sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!” She yelled over and over.
“Calm yourself, child,” Chrysalis said in a stern voice. “He’s a trickster.”
Hiss took to the air, buzzing behind her queen and looking over her at the slumped, headless body on the floor. Her eyes started darting left to right as she tried to locate the head.
“What are you looking for?” A voice whispered into her ear.
“The head,” she answered without thinking about it.
“Oh, I’m right here!” Discord said.
“Holy pony tits!” Hiss yelled, the surprise made her lose control and fall out of the air. She landed on her back, barely missing her queen. She looked up at Discord’s floating head as it smiled down at her.
“This is going to be fun,” Discord mocked as he floated back to his body. His claws grabbed him out of the air and reattached him to the neck with sickening cracking sound as he twisted his head on right. “You changelings are so skittish.”
“I wouldn’t be so quick to judge, Discord,” Chrysalis said with a smirk on her face. “There is a reason I suggested Hiss.” The spirit raised an eyebrow in inquiry at the queen. “She likes to play games, just like you.” She answered.
The voice of Twilight reached the spirit’s ear. “Lord Discord?”
Discord’s eyes widen as he looked over and found the purple princess dressed up in the librarian costume he put her in just the other day. She let the thick rimmed glass slid down her muzzle as she looked over them at the spirit. “Could you help me understand the concept of being ‘naked’? I still haven’t grasped it.”
“Oh, and she can read the wants and needs of the heart,” Chrysalis’ smirk grew into a smile that took up half of her face. Her glee grew as Discord smug expression melted into one of embarrassment.
“Mess with me again and I’ll take your shape, walk right up to Twilight’s father and confess my love for him.” Hiss threatened. “I’m sure you’d love to hear Twilight call you daddy.”
Chrysalis could feel the lust, anger, and annoyance radiate from Discord as he looked down at her child in disguise. She let her body fed on the cocktail of emotions. The want of the princess filled her up; while the other emotions were like spices to the dish. She closed her eyes and enjoyed feeling of being sated. Then the queen nearly fell over when she felt a sharp pain in her gut. She felt like she hasn’t eaten in weeks. When she opened her eyes the world looked red and distorted. She could feel pressure pushing on the walls of her skull. Her body felt like it was running a fever that was boiling her brain. Just as she was about to pass out, it let up and her strength returned. Stunned and confused she looked to the only creature that may have an inkling of what just happened to her. She found Discord glaring at her. His normally round irises were thin slits and his mane was standing on end.
“W-what did you do?” Her voice was soft and humbled for the first time.
“Your body feeds off love and its corresponding emotions,” Discord answered as his features became normal. “So I figured that anger should be like poison to you.”
“That. Wasn’t. Anger.” She responded with heaving breathing; still shocked from the experience. “That…was hate. Now-.” She stopped talking and shook her head. Her expression became indifferent as she regained some of her composure. “Now I can handle a little hate in my diet, but what you gave me was a mountain of it-.” Chrysalis stop mid rant as it dawned on her just how dangerous this spirit was. She took a nervous step back from him. The queen thought him a clown. Here for only his own amusement. It was an act. Discord was violent; ether he made everything into a joke to keep that side of him tucked away or that darkness was overshadowed by the overwhelming power chaos inflicted upon him. “W-what are you?”
Carnival music suddenly started playing. The chandelier turned into a disco ball. The floor became zebra stripped and the rug polka dots. The chairs and tabled began dancing on the ceiling. The canopy bed started bucking around like a bull at a rodeo. The desk lamps started melting as if they were wax next to a fire. Papers that were on the desk got up folded themselves into paper airplanes and took off. They flew in circles around Discord as he walked up to Chrysalis. He grasped her head gently. Chrysalis grinded her teeth together; wanting desperately to bite off the claws that dare touch her. “I’m the spirit of chaos. Haven’t we been over this?” He got close enough to feel her breath on his chin. His voice lowered to a more ominous tone. “It will do you well to remember that.”
Chrysalis tried to pull herself from his grasped but found his claws digging to the back of her head.
“H-Hiss!” She stammered in a near panic.
The changeling came to her queen’s defense in a bizarre way. She jumped up between him and Chrysalis. Still in the form of Twilight Sparkle and gave Discord a big, exaggerated, kiss on the lips.
“Oh, Discord!” Hiss mocked as she touched her lips. “Our first kiss.”
Discord’s eye twitched a little. He pulled a toothbrush out of the air, rubbed a bar of soap on the bristles and started brushing his teeth till his mouth foamed; afterwards he shoved the utensil into his ear to scrub the inside of his brain.
Chrysalis rolled her eyes at the spectacle before turning to Hiss. “Child, I want you to assist this spirit like you have me. Report to me anything you may find unusual-” She looked back up at the spirit and watched him detach his hoofed leg and proceeded to beat his own head with it. “Never mind, just keep me up to date.” Hiss gave her queen a respectful nod.
“You have what you want, Discord,” Chrysalis said as she went back to brooding in front of her window. “Now, leave.” She flicked her tail at the door directing him to the exit.
Discord, dizzy from his self-induced amnesia, stumbled through the door with Hiss behind him.
“Well, my little assistant,” Discord spoke as they descended the staircase. “As gleeful as it would be to see every other pony freak out at the site of you, I’m afraid that such a distraction would outweigh its entertainment value. Do you have to mimic somepony, or can you take any shape you want?”
“I can take whichever form I want, but my talents are unique to only a few changelings. Most of us have to mimic another creature. I, however, have complete control over my form and can also change my weight and size. Not even our queen can do that. It’s why I was picked.” Her voice carried a proud tone of her abilities. “I’m assuming you want me to take a form that is less…distracting?”
Discord hesitated with his answer. He stopped and stood there half ways down the steps, staring at the changeling. What did she mean by ‘why she was picked’? How did her abnormal skill contribute to her becoming the queen’s aide? It wasn’t exactly a required qualification. He made a mental note of what she said and moved on.
“By all means make it distracting as can be. Just make it a pony, at least,” He answered after a few moments.
“I’ll just take a form I like.” She answered as she closed her eyes. Green magic encased the changeling for a split second and she emerged a blue pegasus with a long and curly red mane and heart shaped cutie-mark with wings on either side.  “There, this way I can still fly around.”
“Good enough. So tell me, Hiss,” Discord spoke in a knowing voice. “What is the first item on my schedule?”
Hiss unrolled the parchment she had tucked under her wing.
“Ummmm…..”





Chrysalis almost jumped out the window when her door was nearly kicked down.
“Princess!” Discord yelled as he walked through her door…again. “Guess who has a meeting with you!”
The changeling queen proceeded to smack her face over and over against the wall she was leaning against.





 
Discord struggled as much as he could. The horrific tool of torture pressed against him, harder and harder until the point of pressure tore through his skin. The bright red liquid of life spilled out from him. His features scrunched up in pain, his tail curled up as he tried to roll into a fetal position.
“Please stop!” Discord pleaded in vain. “I-I’ll do anything. I’m powerful you know. Not just with magic. I can give you any kind of life you want!”
His violator just ignored him as she withdrew her instrument.
“Really now, Discord,” his tormentor said. “You should reserve your strength. This has just started.”
“How long have you planned this?” He asked in whimper.
“The timing was difficult. You are the spirit of chaos after all. But I have done the same to Celestia and Luna, so I already had everything ready.” The purple mare picked up another instrument to use on him.
Discord eyed the pointed object hoping it would disappear. He wasn't sure how long he will last or if he would ever be the same. Color drained from his body as it shook.
“Dont worry,” she reassured him. Only her tone seem to mock his discomfort. “I don't plan to keep you around for long. I’m just going to take a little bit of you to keep.”
Discord's uneven eyes filled with water, but he seemed to have given up and accepted his fate.
“Tears? Really? I’m just drawing some blood.” Royal Pain sighed as she collected the sampled from his arm. “To think that you of all creatures has trypanophobia.”
“It’s my blood and I like it where it is!” He yelled half-heartedly.
The physician just ignored him as she stored the sample away in a pocket dimension.
“If my file on you is correct.” As if her own words were a cue she pulled out folder with only a few pieces of papers in it. “You’ve been incased in stone for a few thousand years. You're going to need some updated vaccines.”
“No more needles, you barbarian!” Discord yelled from atop of the examination bed. He glared at Hiss out of the corner of his eye. “You put me here!”
“I did not! It was in your schedule. All I did was send notice ahead of us to Dr...I’m sorry - what was your name, again?”
“Pain.” Royal Pain answered without looking at her.
“Your name is Dr. Pain?” Hiss asked as it sunk into her head. “Wow.” She said under her breath.
“Lucky for you Discord, I do have alternative to an injection.” From out of behind her she levitated a rather large pill.
“That’s going to be a difficult to swallow.” Discord said as he eyed the yellow and red capsule.
“Don’t worry,” Royal Pain said with an endearing voice. “You won’t be swallowing it.”
The doctor stood there watching Discord as he put it together. He hooped off the table and snapped his claw. His midsection became concealed by pair of iron greaves. A metal chain wrapped itself around his waist like a belt then Discord bolted it all together with a padlock. He spun around in place, wiggling his rear to Royal Pain while a black and white sign hung from his tail that read “Exit Only”
The doctor gave him a small smile and tilted her head slightly. “It’s cute that you think this is my first rodeo.”
Discord look back at her over his shoulder, a bead of sweat inched its way down his temple as he gulped.
Royal Pain’s smile grew as did the magic around the pill. It vanished with a familiar puff of magic as she teleported it into the unwilling spirit.
“Eeek!” Discord squeaked. His body went rigid and his tall stood straight up. The spirit clenched his teeth and squeezed his claws. He didn’t dare move.
“Lord Discord?”  Hiss said as she tried to come to her new master’s aid. “Is something bothering you?”
Discord slowly turned his head to Hiss, his body still unmoving. “Its…warm,” He whispered to her in a squeamish voice.
“I bet he’s more bothered than he’s ever been before.” Royal Pain stated.
Discord swung his head around and glared at the physician. “Bothered? You are a bravura quack berating my wellbeing; even as I bar you from my behind you brunt my buttocks with a burglary of antibodies to beseech my bowls of its blight and bereavement. Bothered? I am betrayed and you are a brute.”
Without batting an eye at the Spirit’s rant Royal Pain pulled out his file from the cabinet behind her and started scribbling.
“What are you writing?!” Discord asked as he yanked the folder from her magic. He opened it to the last entry and read. “Subject becomes agitated and poetic after sphincter arousal?!”
“What’s a sphincter?” Hiss asked.
Discord looked up from his file at the doctor. “You are an evil mare.”
“What’s a sphincter?” Hiss asked again.
Dr. Pain took the folder back and filed it. “The Spirit of Chaos calling me evil; that’s going in me résumé.”
“You’re a sphincter, doctor!” Discord yelled as he stormed out with Hiss on his tail.
“Really, my Lord, what is a sphincter?”





 
“Asshole!” Mary Blood yelled as soon as the door to her private study was closed. Her room matched the architecture of the other royal chambers: a bed, desk, and a closet. Only there was no balcony, nor windows. Her decor gave little hint to her personality. Only family portraits and heirlooms covered the walls and table tops. There was, however, a distinct lack of anything to do with her father.
“Where does that spirit get off changing the policies of this castle? The only reason he’s in charge is because of a clause in an ancient bill. Celestia be damned if I'm going to let that thing mock me and my house; and damn his little purple hussy, too.”
“Such words from a mare of your position.” A gruff voice said.
Mary glared at the stallion that plot himself on in her chair just behind her desk. He sat oblong in the chair with his hooves right on top of some paper work.
“You should remember your own position, Iron Hoof, before coming into the chambers of a royal family member. I could have you stripped of everything just for sitting there.”
Iron Hoof sucked on his cigar making the end glow red. “You could indeed, my Lady, but I wouldn’t be useful to you anymore.”
“I take it you’re here for a reason, then?” She huffed.
“You told me to keep tabs on Princess Twilight’s little campaign. I thought you might like to know that Queen Chrysalis was captured last night and is up in the tower guest room waiting for our new princess to return. The changelings have agreed to peace talks with her.”
He took another big puff of his cigar.
“Any number of things could happen to our guest during this week that would make Twilight look very foolish. Even go as far as to shatter any chance of reaching a treaty with those things.”
A smile crept along Mary’s face. “Is she guarded?”
Iron hoof smirked as well. “I’ve been given no such order.”





“Assassin!” Discord yelled as he ran back inside from the garden.
“Um...that’s a bee.” Hiss said after a moment of confusion. “And if you want to keep up with your schedule I suggest you stop being...” Hiss paused as she tried to find the right words. “You.”
Discord came back and started to speak in a Shakespearean voice. “Who could hope to be I, if not myself?” As he spoke he led them further into the garden and out of anypony’s immediate sight. “Thee? I think not. For only I am best suited to be myself. But my role you could claim, unless you speak.”
“I understand not what you say.” Hiss mocked.
Discord brought his head down to her ear. “Turn into me and just walk around the castle until today’s court.”
“Plan to play hooky, my Lord?” She asked.
“No, just chess.” Discord teleported away.
“More like you don't what the other ponies knowing what you're doing right now, but my queen will.”





 
Iron Hoof leaned forward over a wooden chessboard with crystal pieces. He sat in a rarely-used room in the lower levels of the castle. The parts in front of him were arranged randomly; at least to the untrained eye. Iron Hoof’s own eyes strained at the bored. He could see how his next move would force his opponent go on the defense. One option he had would do the opposite. Lulling the opposition into false confidence; allowing Iron Hoof to predict his next move. He reached out with his hoof to his queen.
The head of crystal piece swung around with Discord’s face on it. “No, no, no, Iron Hoof, it was my turn.”
While most would have jumped out of their fur, Iron Hoof was more put off that he just wasted the last 10 min strategizing when it wasn't his move anyways.
In a white flash Discord sat on the other end of the wooden battlefield.
“I almost thought you weren’t coming again,” Iron hoof said to the spirit.
“I had to put a decoy out there. My pawn became a queen...sort of.” Discord moved a foot soldier, blocking one of Iron Hoof’s.
“I just moved my own into position,” Iron Hoof said as he pushed his pawn within striking range of Discord’s that was blocking; an enticement for the spirit. The old general wanted to clear the way for a few pawns; he hoped to get two queens on the board.
“Still thinks that you’re her bishop?” Discord smirked as he took the bait. He didn't mind a small arms race.
“How’s our latest addition to the game?” Iron Hoof asked as he positioned his bishop to protect his forward pawn.
Discord picked up a knight and looked it over. “She's reluctant to play along but she’ll be a strong piece.” He placed it in range of Iron’s rook to make him choose between that and protecting his pawn.
“A lot of our power is away right now, including our most important contributor,” Iron said as he moved his queen and put Discord’s king in check saving both his rook and pawn.
“Ponies often forget that the king and rook share a special relationship.” Discord castled his king, moving it out of danger and making Iron’s queen vulnerable. “That relationship will allow us to take center stage. When that happens, most ponies will follow you and listen to me.”
“So I am to be the walrus?”
“And I the egg man.”