“Sweetie Belle, maybe we should run through the steps another few times before you try it on your own,” said Twilight.
“Nope! I’m ready to give it a shot!” Sweetie stood up and focused on the broom in the corner. Concentrating hard, her magic did little except making it fall over. She might have been having trouble because only the tip of her horn was glowing.
Sweetie stopped, panting hard after straining herself. “Ugh, I think I threw my neck out.”
“You’re okay,” Scootaloo reassured her.
“A little more practice and lifting brooms will be a cinch,” added Apple Bloom.
I put in, “A little more practice at you disturbing my sleep and cinches will be the least of your worries.”
“Valiant, it’s the middle of the morning,” Twilight said, looking at me disapprovingly. “You can’t lie around all day.”
I sat up from the couch. “I’m just trying to put off everything I have to do today. I don’t know where to start.”
“I know how you feel,” said Sweetie. “I’ll never get my cutie mark for magicking brooms.”
“Maybe not,” Twilight agreed. “But I’m happy to keep helping you as long as you like.”
“Hey, Valiant said he had a lot to do. Maybe we can get cutie marks helping him!” Apple Bloom said.
“No!” Twilight and I said simultaneously.
Twilight shook her head and turned back to the Crusaders. “You girls have other things to be working on. Scootaloo, weren’t you putting together a unicycle? Apple Bloom, what about your potions?”
The fillies went back to their studies. Apple Bloom tried her growth formula on an apple seedling and I used the appearance of a sudden cloud of noxious gas to slip away. I had meant to ask Twilight what she was doing in Ponyville today, but I had so much to do.
Sunset saw me on the way out the back door of the library. “Good morning, Valiant. Do you have time for breakfast?”
“Not really,” I said and kept moving.
Making preparations for a trip to another universe should have been commonplace to me. This, however, was going to be a lot more serious than normal. Not only did I have to get into Earth, accomplish some vital tasks, and get back, but I had to make sure the pony universe I was returning to was the exact same one I was leaving.
I still hadn’t determined exactly which that one was, however. The one where Applejack didn’t have an accent and where nuts didn’t exist was too attractive to pass up. But first, I had to get a few affairs in order.
I went over to Trixie’s place. She was happy to see me, but I had to get straight to business. “We need to do something about the machinery.”
“Like what? You haven’t used it recently.”
I nodded. “Yeah, but before I make my trip I think something should be done. I don’t want this stuff to fall into the wrong hands.”
Trixie frowned. “Are you worried that you might not be able to come back?”
I paused, but then nodded. “Universe hopping isn’t as simple as it used to be. I’ve been talking to Doctor Whooves and I’m going to need his help to get this done.”
In locking up all the admin accounts on this universe, I had kinda sorta made travel to and from a lot more difficult. The magic ugly rock would help, as would Doc’s methods, but nothing was exactly guaranteed. I didn’t want to come right out and say it, but there was a chance that once I left I might not be able to come back. I’m glad Trixie was perceptive enough to realize it.
“I suppose we should get started, then,” she said.
We went to where she had been keeping all my stuff. It was all piled up and covered with dust and tarps. Trixie had done a good job of preservation while I was away, but it was almost like walking through a museum of me to uncover and examine it all.
Maybe I should set up a museum of me. Nobody else would. Then again, I had to be concerned with the universe. That might just break it.
“What are you going to do with all this stuff?” Trixie asked.
“Just scrapping it would be a waste.” My shoulders slumped. “I don’t know what else to do, though.”
A sudden thought came to me. I still owed the Crusaders a robot. Maybe letting just one loose on Equestria wasn’t too big of a problem.
But it had been ages since I’d built anything. Much as I hated to admit it, I was out of practice. I’d been focusing on so many other things lately that the robot skills had degraded. I was going to have to start small and work my way back up.
So with Trixie’s help I built a bicycle. We scavenged parts from the quiet, still machinery around us. It was not a particularly difficult task, and I found myself relaxing and going with the flow. It was just nice being around my daughter. Especially considering what I was about to do with the universe and the possibilities I might be facing.
Sir Win showed up a little bit later. He’d come with a few things to give me.
“I was feeling particularly neighborly and decided to do anything I could to help you succeed.” He gave me a few small unholy items: an upside down cross, a vial of unvirgin blood, and some uneucharist. “After that impressive bit of summoning the other day, you certainly have my faith that you can succeed in whatever you want to do.”
“Thanks a lot,” I said. I frowned. “But what’s this about faith?”
Sir Win shrugged. “Hey, just because I’m a demon doesn’t mean I can’t have faith. I just choose to have it in you.”
That was remarkably touching, for some reason.
Sir Win took out a bottle. “Oh, and since you’re planning to go to another universe, could you pick me up some orphan tears while you’re out?”
I took the bottle. “I’ll try. Thanks again for your help.”
Sir Win nodded and started to turn away. I stopped him. “Hey, do you want a bicycle?”
“A what now?”
I showed him the bike and how it worked.
“You know, there’s a reason ponies don’t have these. Four hooves aren’t really compatible.” He grinned. “Good thing I’m not really a pony. Thank you for this. It should help me move faster and quieter when I need to move fast and quiet. You know, demon business.”
I watched as he got on and rode away, realizing that I had inadvertently created Hell on wheels. I chuckled.
With my building skills brushed up, I went back to the library to collect the Crusaders. They had gone to eat lunch and Twilight was sipping tea and waiting for them to come back.
I sat down across from Twilight. I wasn’t particularly interested in the tea, but took a cup for something to do.
“The girls are really coming along on their lessons,” said Twilight.
I shrugged. “I think they’ve had fewer distractions lately. Things have been quieter around here since Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara were violently murdered and had their pulped remains spread throughout the streets.”
Twilight paused in her next sip of tea. She considered that for a moment, and then reluctantly nodded.
A few minutes later, the three fillies came back. True to Twilight’s word, Scootaloo and Apple Bloom had been getting much better with their lessons. Sweetie Belle still struggled with magic, however.
“I think I see the problem,” I said as I watched her trying to lift the broom. “You’ve only got magic on the tip of your horn.”
“Is that a problem?” Sweetie asked.
“Using just the tip never gets results,” I said.
“How do you know so much about magic?” Apple Bloom asked.
“What does this have to do with magic?” I said.
Twilight broke in. “Thank you, Valiant. I can take it from here.”
I turned to her. “But I do know a lot about magic. Remember the cutie mark debacle that happened back when you read from Starswirl’s journal of unknown magic? I briefly had Trixie’s cutie mark and learned everything she knew about magic.”
Twilight frowned. “I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works.”
I shrugged. “Yes, and you were also pretty sure that reading from a journal of unknown magic was a good idea.”
“Buuuurrrrrnnnnn,” said Scootaloo.
After that, the Crusaders decided that I was a better teacher than Twilight and decided to spend the rest of the afternoon with me instead.
“Well, at least I can do more research about Tiny Vamp Atoll,” Twilight muttered as the fillies and I left.
It was interesting where her interests lay. I had spotted a few diagrams Twilight had brought along today that featured the six-keyed box we’d discovered back when the Everfree Forest was trying to take over Equestria. Yet all Twilight wanted to focus on was a random remark I’d made about a keytar. Gosh, it was pretty easy to manipulate her once I’d learned how.
I headed back to Trixie’s place with the Crusaders in tow. I did some thinking along the way. Back when the cutie mark swap happened, I had been solidly against the idea, but now I had to admit that I would benefit from a greater understanding of magic. It’s kind of what this universe ran on, after all.
But that was for later. Now, I had a promise to live up to.
Back when I fought old, crazy, asshole Trixie in Ponyville I’d had to borrow a robot from the Crusaders. It had gotten destroyed and I’d promised them a new one. And damn it, I keep my promises.
When I brought them in, the three fillies reacted like they’d been given all-you-can-eat passes to the candy store. They surveyed the equipment, their little minds whirling with possibilities.
“Go for it, kids,” I said.
Trixie and I watched as the Crusaders went nuts. Everything I’d built was there and they scavenged almost all of it in the pursuit of the best parts to assemble the best robot ever.
The Monstrosity VTOL aircraft remained untouched, probably because the Crusaders weren’t trying to build a flying super awesome robot. One can only do so much. I covered the vehicle up with a tarp and left it.
In the center of the mess were the three fillies and all the parts they could want. I played supervision while they welded, wrenched, and ran wires and hydraulic lines. The robot was coming together nicely when there was a knock on Trixie’s front door. I excused myself to get it. At the door were Doctor Whooves and Nova.
“Is it time to go already?” I asked.
Doc showed me his pocket watch. “I’m afraid so.”
“Just a minute.” I went back through the house. Trixie turned as I approached.
“Do you have to leave?” she asked.
I nodded.
“I’ll watch the Crusaders,” she said.
I nodded again. The two of us stood for a few moments.
“I’ll see you later,” I said.
“Yeah,” Trixie agreed.
I started to turn away but she grabbed me in a hug. It was quick but to the point. Trixie pulled away, her face slightly flushed. I’d never taught her to hug. Then again, I was glad she’d learned. I walked back to the door with a smile on my face.
I went with the two stallions back to the library. Doc had brought his blue box inside, down to the basement. I didn’t know how it fit through the doors, but maybe it was smaller on the outside.
Sunset was in the basement when we arrived. I hadn’t seen her all day and realized she must have been working down there. Working on my project?
“I think we’ve got the converter set up,” said Doc. He pointed to a cauldron that was bubbling over a fire in the corner. It was a magic fire so there was no smoke to vent. Speaking of magic, the outside of the pot had runes and stuff scribbled all over it. That was for extra magic, I assumed.
“We put together this magic converter,” said Nova. “Since you ponies have never heard of fusion generators, this is the next best thing. You put magic—no matter what kind—in and pure energy of magic comes out. It converts everything into one force so you can use it to power anything.”
Doc turned to me. “For example, getting you back to Earth and then returning here.”
I nodded in appreciation. “That’s good. Sir Win gave me some stuff I can throw in to add to the mix.” I unwrapped his devilish talismans and added them to the pot. The bubbling brew inside flashed different colors and seemed to boil hotter.
“So you guys got this set up just for me?” I asked.
“Actually, Ms. Shimmer was the driving force,” Doc said. “Her special talent is magic, after all.”
Hmm, just like Twilight and Trixie. That was a whole lot of magic going around. Good thing I had various ways of getting all three to do things for me.
Sunset smiled at Doc’s praise. “I just wanted to help you, Valiant.”
“Thank you,” I said. Doctor Whooves and Nova were busy getting everything else set up and I had a moment alone with Sunset. She looked like she had something to say. I waited for a few seconds, but her face went through a few expressions and she stayed silent.
Eventually, she just said, “Please come back.”
I paused for a moment and then nodded.
“We’re ready,” Doc called.
I turned away from Sunset and stepped towards Doc’s box. “Let’s do this.”
Sunset took a deep breath. She turned to the cauldron and hit it with a burst of magic. The accumulated energy started bubbling into a ball of glowing light that hovered just above the pot. Manipulating the orb of pure energy carefully, Sunset shifted it towards us.
Doc carefully guided it in, adjusting some things on his control panel. “Just a little further. As soon as we’ve got all the energy, we’ll be set.”
Sunset fed the ball of energy into the intake of the Doctor’s device. He cheered happily. “That’ll do it! Allons-y!”
Reality suddenly blurred and we were hurled into time and space. It wasn’t so bad; nothing I hadn’t seen before.
“You keep saying that,” Nova said to Doc once things had stabilized. “I’ve been traveling with you for a while and it’s always the same catchphrase. What does allons-y mean?”
“It’s French for ‘let’s go,’” I said.
“You speak French?” He raised an eyebrow.
“Yeah, I can insult you in two languages.”
Nova started to retort but the Doctor broke in. “Valiant, are you ready for the next step?”
“Sure.”
“Okay, we’ve got enough power to definitely fling you to where you need to go.”
My eyebrows went up. “I’m not sure I like the term ‘fling.’”
“Well, it shouldn’t be too difficult. You’re going to Milwaukee, correct? I know exactly where to go. I mean, I know where the Harley-Davidson factory is, but that’s close enough. The computer should take care of the advanced targeting from there.”
I didn’t know why Doctor Whooves knew about the Harley factory, but I supposed that was good enough. I watched as he punched in the final coordinates and then slid open the door. Time and space rushed by outside.
“When I tell you to jump, get moving,” Doc said.
“What, just…jump?”
He shrugged. “If my calculations are correct. Three…two…one…jump!”
I threw him a salute and hopped out. I thought about saying something cool. “Look out, Earth. Here I—”
My eyes snapped open. I was in my apartment. Apparently I was still dressed in a hospital gown from the last time I’d popped in. Oh yeah, and I also remember getting needles ripped out and electronic monitor wires ripped off. But at least I was back.
“Hey boss, he’s awake,” a rough male voice said.
Hands grabbed my shoulders and pulled me up. Two very large men held me. Both looked unhappy to see me. A third one stood in front of me, looking even unhappier.
“You thought you could just mess with our diamond trade?” he said.
“Oh, um…about that,” I stuttered. This would take some explaining. See, my roommate was both a geologist and a discerning aesthetics snob, and therefore knew guys in the gem business. At least a few of those jewelers were fences for organized crime. Those connections had been used to track down some information for me the last time I had come to Earth. I’d needed it to find and kill the Black Twins as well as learning that my exes were mad at me. It had all seemed liked a good idea at the time but apparently it had now led to some mob enforcers coming to pay me a visit. Damn.
Actually, a four-letter word didn’t cut it. I got stuffing, snot, and shit beat out of me to varying degrees of literalness. The general idea that the men wished to convey was that if I didn’t come up with compensation for what I had done, the beatings would keep happening to me at random intervals for as long as I lived, which might not be too long.
They left after a while, a while that was a long while longer than I wished it to be. I spit out some blood on the carpet of my apartment and managed to get up off the floor.
My roommate appeared. “Well, now you’ve gone and done it.”
“Hey man, I don’t see you making great personal sacrifices for the sake of robots and a magical world of ponies.”
He didn’t know how to respond to that and kept quiet.
I attempted to stretch, but it just hurt. “Anyway, I should go. I have a lot of things to do and I really don’t need those guys finding me again.”
“You realize they’re part of the mafia, right? They’ve got deals with Yakuza, the Triads, cartels, and all the other gangs around the world. If you run, they’ll put out a contract and everyone will be after you.”
I shrugged. “Small potatoes compared to saving the multiverse. If I play my cards right, it won’t matter.”
I went to clean up. I got some fresh clothes and managed to change into them without hurting my aching body too much. As I packed a suitcase, I did some thinking. It had become pretty clear that I had backed my way into a corner and was going to have to make a difficult personal decision. This was going to suck. I decided that I wasn’t going to need to pack very much.
I came out of my bedroom to see my roommate examining the ugly piece of basalt that had come with me. “What’s this? Why is it covered with strange electronics?”
“This is probably the most important rock ever,” I told him. “Gaze with wonder and then give it back to me.”
He shrugged and handed it over. I put it in my suitcase along with the empty bottle Sir Win had given me to collect orphan tears, and went out the door.
I got in my car and drove to the airport. I parked in long term and didn’t bother keeping my ticket. Inside, I selected a credit card and bought fare to Los Angeles. I went first class. It wasn’t like I was going to be around to pay the bill.
On the plane, I spent most of my time looking at my hands. I’d made my plan, and if everything worked out like it was supposed to, this might be my last chance to have them.
I hummed a little America the Beautiful. Damn, I was going to miss this place. But given the choice between constant harassment by the mob and maybe being someone important in Equestria…
It was a tough choice. But I didn’t have many options. As much as I hated to admit it, what I was going to do was probably best for everyone, myself included.
When the plane touched down at LAX, I called Weird Al and told him where I was.
“Cool man, I’ll come down and meet you,” he said. “Where are we going?”
“You’ve got a private jet, right? I have a destination in mind.”
Al got there within half an hour. He frowned as he saw my abused face. “What happened to you?”
“I came back to Earth. This is how they greet me nowadays.”
He shrugged. “Anyway, the plane’s prepped and ready to go. Let’s vamoose.”
We went out to the jet. It was a nice—and by nice I mean super amazing—Gulfstream G650. The aircrew got us aboard and we were airborne and flying west within a few more minutes.
It was a long flight across the Pacific. Al broke out the good tequila and we got hammered and started telling each other funny stories. I don’t remember much of it, but I had apparently accumulated quite a few anecdotes. He really enjoyed the one about what I did when I got to Equestria and thought I was dreaming.
We were both stinking drunk when the jet landed in Hawaii for fuel. By that point, Al had broken out his accordion and lent me a guitar and we were (terribly) attempting to record some music. It didn’t go so well and we both passed out shortly after taking off again.
I came awake as the plane landed in Singapore. I was hungover and jet lagged, but forced myself to keep going. Now that we were at our destination, I had a few more things to accomplish.
Al and I stepped down from the jet, slipping on thousand-dollar pairs of sunglasses that he had bought. We both stumbled slightly.
“And now for hookers,” I slurred.
“Actually, it’s time for customs,” said a uniformed Singaporean airport security guard.
Al raised his sunglasses and squinted at the man who raised his hands in surprise. “My apologies, Mr. Yankovic. I didn’t realize it was you.”
Al waved him off and the two of us got in a rented limo where there was more alcohol waiting. I refrained for the moment, however. “I have a favor to ask.”
“Sure,” said Al.
“Can we stop by the seaport? I have a little business to take care of.”
Al gestured to the driver and we were off. In just a few minutes we were at the port. Singapore is a very small city-state, you see, about one quarter the size of Rhode Island.
I stepped out of the car, dragging my suitcase, and made my way into the lines of intermodal containers and cargo ships. Past a chain link fence and a few security stations I encountered the naval piers.
You may be wondering how I got past the fence and the guards. Being drunk off my ass, I kind of wondered that myself. Maybe they didn’t see me as a threat. I surely didn’t look like your average terrorist. Maybe I just got lucky. Every so often, life owes you one.
I meandered my way down the row and stopped in front of a warship. I checked the number painted on it and the name at the stern. Yes, this would do nicely. I dug into my suitcase and pulled out the rock.
I punched a few buttons. I hoped they were the right ones. There wasn’t anyone around to ask for help. Being that there was no one around, nobody minded that I gave the rock a toss and it landed on the deck of the ship.
I nodded in satisfaction. Good, that was one part of my plan set in motion. Now just another hundred or so and I would be set to save the universe.
Turning around, I made my way back to the limo. Al had dozed off waiting for me, so I directed the driver where to go to find the best, highest class brothel in Singapore.
As we drove, I lounged in the sunroof, a bottle in my hand and sunglasses on my face. Singapore is a really, super-sweet place to go. It’s just north of the equator, has one of the five busiest ports in the world, the fourth-biggest financial center, and the third-highest per capita income. Basically, if you’re going to be drinking and hanging out of a limo sunroof in Southeast Asia, you might as well do it in Singapore.
When Al woke up, we were at our destination. We got out of the car and went inside. If you thought Singapore itself was awesome, you can only imagine what the best brothel in the nation was like.
So Weird Al and I got hookers. He gave me a fist bump. “Your debt is officially paid.”
“Cool.”
That put me in a good mood, because at that moment debauchery commenced. Despite being a brothel, they catered to other kinds of sin as well, including but not limited to alcohol, psychoactive substances, and Chinese food.
Hours passed and everything was still kind of going on. All in all, if this was to be my Going Away from Earth party, I couldn’t have asked for a better one.
During a momentary lull, I lay on my back catching my breath. One of the hookers had her arms wrapped around me. We were both a little tired and she tried some conversation to ease the moment. “So, where are you from?”
I considered that. What should I say if I was supposed to be leaving soon? I shrugged. “I’ve been a lot of places.”
“Hmm, that’s nice. Anyone waiting for you back home?”
I started to reply, but my mouth came to a sudden halt. Who was waiting for me? Anyone?
“I’m sorry, was that a bad question?” she asked.
“Pretty goddamned bad,” I said, a little louder than I intended.
She jerked back, obviously sorry for asking. “We can talk about something else.”
Her manner, almost like a kicked puppy, reminded me a little of Sunset. Sunset, who, before I left had said to me, please come back.
I shook my head and relaxed a little bit. “Sorry for yelling. What’s a girl like you doing in a place like this?”
She paused, appearing to fight for her emotions. “I…I don’t have another choice. My parents are both dead and I had to do something to survive.”
Tears started to leak out of her eyes. She sniffed. “I’m sorry. This is supposed to be about you. It’s just that no one has ever asked me about myself before.”
She blinked. “What are you doing?”
“Don’t mind me,” I said, holding the bottle. “I just need some orphan tears.”