Chapter 18--Appleoosa
One day near the end of August--I wonder if they’re aware of the origin of the month names--I woke up on a train. Thing is, I didn’t fall asleep on a train. As such, I started freaking out. I wasn’t tied up, thankfully, but I still had no fucking clue what was happening. Then Twilight came in and I was on her like this story on your screen. Before she knew what was happening, I had my dagger to her throat and my crossbow to her head. I didn’t think at the time why my captor would leave me with my weapons but I wasn’t exactly in a fully rational state of mind.
“You’re going to tell me what the fuck is going on and you’re going to do it in ten words,” I told her.
“Why?” she asked.
“Truth is singular. Lies are words and that was one of yours.”
“We’re going to Appleoosa to drop off an apple tree.”
I dry-fired the crossbow at her head and she flinched. “Apple tree is two words.” I let her go. “So why are we bringing an apple tree to Appleoosa?”
“Applejack is visiting her cousin and the tree is a gift.”
“So why am I here?”
“Ask Applejack. It was my job to get you here; it’s her job to tell you why. You are a very heavy sleeper, by the way. I tried everything I could to wake you up. I even poured cold water on you.”
“I was wondering why I was all wet. But yeah, cold water only works if I’m already awake to get me out of bed. If I’m still asleep, good luck getting me up.”
“But I’ve been able to wake you up before.”
“That was only when there were other things going on or I was already nearing the end of my natural sleep cycle.”
“Whatever. You can’t stay in this car, it’s supposed to be for storage.”
Looking around, I saw that there was a bunch of boxes and luggage. “Why’d you stuff me in a storage car?”
“Because this is where Qene is.”
I saw Qene come out of one of the corners to greet me. “Whatever. Take me to where I can be, then.”
She took me back a car where the rest of her friends were waiting. “Hiya, Síor,” Applejack said. “Glad to see yer finally awake.”
“Yeah, cut the chatter and just tell me why I’m here,” I said.
“Well, we needed Qene’s strength to help us move Bloomberg--”
“Bloomberg?”
“The apple tree,” Rainbow Dash explained.
“--and yer the only one who can control him,” Applejack finished.
“It’s about time you got up, too,” Twilight said. “It’s almost dark.”
“Really?” I asked. “It’s been a while since I’ve slept more than twelve hours. Then again, I didn’t go to sleep until about 4 so…”
“We really need to work on your sleeping schedule.”
“I told you, my internal clock has 26 hours, not 24. My sleep gets out of sync quickly.”
“Whatever. The rest of us are on a normal sleep schedule so we’re going to get ready for bed. We’ll be arriving in Appleoosa early tomorrow morning.”
“Did you at least pack me something to do in the time when I’m not sleeping?”
“You have your dagger and I packed you a sharpening rock. Go carve something out of wood.”
“Gee, thanks. And where might I find wood?”
“There should be some spare wood in the storage car.”
I left to get as much wood as I could carry. When I returned, I asked, “So which bed is mine?” They all pointed to the bed under Applejack’s. I sat down on my bed and started whittling.
About an hour later, the ponies were all in their beds chatting like women do. Then Spike sat up on his bed and said, “Could you guys keep it down? I was up early fire roasting those snacks for you.”
“Speaking of,” Dash said. “Some of these popcorn kernels didn’t get popped."
“Fine.” He blew a stream of fire her way which burnt all the popcorn and popped one kernel. “Good night!”
“Maybe it’s time we all got some shut-eye,” Twilight said. “We’ve got a big day ahead of us tomorrow.”
There were various sounds of disapproval as Twilight turned off all the lights. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before but due to the excess of magic in Equestria, society evolved without the need for electricity. Everything that appeared to be electrical was actually run from stored magic. Anyways, I was about to grab my stuff and go back a car, where I was told the tree--Bloomberg--was being stored, so I could continue my whittling in candlelight when I heard Rainbow start to whisper something.
“Psst! Pinkie Pie, you asleep yet?” she said.
“No, are you asleep yet?” Pinkie replied.
“If I was sleeping, how could I have asked you if you were asleep?”
“Oh yeah!”
“When we get to Appleoosa, you think we’ll have to carry that big heavy tree all the way from the train to the orchard?”
“What tree? You mean Bloomberg?
“No, Fluttershy.” This was said sarcastically.
“Fluttershy’s not a tree, silly!”
“What’s going on?” Twilight asked, bringing a candle to the conversation.
“Rainbow Dash thinks Fluttershy’s a tree,” Pinkie said.
“I do not think she’s a tree,” Rainbow said defensively. “I was just--”
“Did you say she was a tree?” Twilight asked.
“No, well...yes. But not exactly--” Rainbow said.
“Ya know she’s not a tree, right?” Twilight asked.
“She’s not a tree, Dashie!” Pinkie said.
“I’d like to be a tree,” Fluttershy said.
Then Spike yelled, “Oh for Pete’s sake!” and got up with his pillow and stormed out to Bloomberg’s car.
“Well that was kinda huffy,” Twilight said.
“Huffy the magic dragon,” Fluttershy added.
They all giggled until Rarity yelled, “Would you all be QUIET?! NOW?!?!”
They screamed and blew out the candle, signalling the time for me to take my stuff to the other car.
“Hey Spike, Bloomberg, you guys don’t mind if I stay in here to whittle, do you?” Spike just snored and I didn’t get anything from Bloomberg so I assumed he was asleep, too. “Awesome.” I lit three candles with my lighter and returned to my whittling. I had actually gotten pretty good by the time morning rolled around and I realized I hadn’t slept. I didn’t think much of it because I had slept for more than twelve hours the night/day before.
About an hour and a half after sunrise, I started to notice a rumble other than that of the train. I looked out the window of the caboose--as it turns out the car I was in was--and saw a stampeding herd of buffalo. I was about to get my crossbow to try and kill one of them because buffalo meat is damn good but then the train started shaking. I then realised that the buffalo were ramming the train and decided that trying to change cars would be a bad idea. I tried my best to stay by the window so I could see what was happening. I saw some of the buffalo form a tower and a smaller one--presumably a calf--jumped onto the train. A few minutes passed and then I felt the car being detached from the rest of the train.
Spike finally woke up and when he realised that we were slowing down, he screamed out the window at Rainbow who had apparently chased the young buffalo on top of the train. “Hey Spike, you mind shutting up so I can think of a plan,” I said.
“Oh, uh, sorry.”
I tried to think of a way to get out of this without getting caught but nothing I thought of would work. Then the door opened and the calf came in. She--as it turned out being--seemed surprised to see Spike and me but she handled it well enough. “Oh, I’m so sorry,” she said. “We didn’t mean to kidnap you, we were just trying to steal the tree.”
She seemed to recognise Spike as a dragon but when she looked at me she seemed almost frightened. I decided to play around with that a little bit. “No apology is necessary, child. But please, if you would, take me to your leader.”
“Certainly, Mr….”
“I am Síor. You will address me only as such. This is Spike.”
“My name is Little Strongheart.” She led us through an encampment of what looked like tipis. “Hey Síor, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but what exactly are you? You’re not like any creature I’ve ever seen.”
“I’m a human.”
“A human? Humans are the main focal point of our tribe’s beliefs. Or at least I think it was humans.” We had now arrived at a larger more important-looking tipi. “Maybe Chief Thunderhooves will know.”
We entered the tent and a full size buffalo with a full headdress of feathers--I should mention that all the other buffalos had merely headbands with only a few feathers, kind of like an Indian tribe or some shit like that--seemed delighted to see Little Strongheart. “Ah, Little Strongheart, did the mission go well?”
“Yes, Chief. The mission was a total success.”
“Who are your friends there?”
“Well, our mission was a success but we also caught these two in the car with the tree. This is Spike and Síor.”
When the Chief saw me, he seemed shocked but also like he expected me. “Is that what I think it is?” he asked.
“He’s a human.”
“So the legends are true.”
“What legends?” I asked.
“Our people have many legends about brave warriors and powerful fighters but the most interesting legends involve a creature called a human, such as yourself. These legends tell the tale of Blackrobe and how…” He told a very long and boring story about some guy who resurrected a dead buffalo with magic to use as food or whatever. “...So you see, that we buffalo were once prey to the humans yet they relied on our existence for food. Thus is the great circle of life.” Right when he said that, the Circle of Life song started playing in my head. “And now, for being so kind as to resurrect our dead ancestors rather than hunting those that were still alive, we praise the humans as gods.” Then, two other buffalo picked me up and held me high like the god they thought I was.
“Sweet,” I said. “What about dragons? How do you feel about them?”
He went on to explain some random mythology his people believed about dragons that I didn’t care to remember. Eventually, it ended with them highly respecting dragons, though not quite as highly as me.
Some time passed and Spike and I went out with some of the buffalo on a scouting mission. Right when we were about to not expect to find anything, we heard some voices nearby. Upon rushing toward them, we found that they belonged to Rainbow and Pinkie.
“Dash, Pinkie, what up bitches?” I said.
“Síor? Spike?” Pinkie asked.
“Yep. Hey, these guys are fine,” I told the buffalo.
“What the hay is going on?” Dash asked.
“Come on, I’ll explain on the way,” I said. I told them the story of the buffalo and how I was practically a god to them and all that happy horseshit--no pun intended. We got back to camp around dinner time so I asked one of the buffalo for some food.
“What would you like to eat, Síor?” he asked.
“Give me the best meal you guys got,” I said.
“And what for the ponies?” This was asked of me, not the ponies themselves. Dash looked a little annoyed by that fact. I whispered into the buffalo’s ear to bring them a couple bowls of the worst possible slop they had. Spike had some turquoise stones.
We all sat around the fire and ate. Well, most of us ate--Rainbow took one sniff of the slop and pushed it away as she started forming an escape plan. Pinkie, on the other hand, slurped the shit right up and even asked for more. When Little Strongheart came back with some more slop, Dash looked at her and just said, “You!”
Little Strongheart replied with a similar, “You!”
“That’s it, we’re outta here!” Dash said.
“Wait,” LS said. “Please accept my apology for what happened on the train, we didn’t mean for anyone to get hurt.”
“Yeah, sure.”
“We only wanted the tree. The settler ponies have overtaken the land and have planted an orchard all over it! Because of their thoughtlessness, we can no longer run over our traditional stampeding grounds.”
“Huh?”
“I think it’s time they met the Chief,” I said. We brought them to the Chief who was at another fire.
“We have a long and winding stampeding trail that we have run upon for many generations,” he explained. “My father stampeded upon these grounds, and his father before him, and his father before him, and his father before him, and his father before him, and--”
“I think they get the idea, Chief,” LS said.
“It is a sacred tradition to run the path every year. But this year, these... settler ponies, these... Appleoosans!” The last word was said with added rage and he started snorting angrily until LS cut that out.
“They planted apple trees all over it without asking our permission,” she continued.
“Well that's not very nice. Right, Rainbow Dash?” Pinkie said.
Dash hmphed.
“The ponies refused to move their trees, so we are stuck here, and it is not fair!” LS finished.
Spike added his two cents, “See, Rainbow Dash? They had a good reason to--”
Rainbow jumped into the air and landed hard causing many buffalo to gasp at her brashness. “I'll say they had a good reason! C'mon. We have some apple-pickin' Appleloosans to talk to!”
We set off on a mini-caravan back to Appleoosa. Before we got too far, though, one of the buffalo pulled me aside. “You need to come with me, Síor,” he said.
“Why?” I asked.
“My queen has requested it.”
“Since when do buffalo have a queen?”
He then grabbed my hand with his hoof somehow and pulled me behind a rock. Right before my eyes I saw his transform with a bright green flash of magic. What stood in front of me now was a creature that was pure black. It was shaped like a pony with bug-like wings and a pointy black horn. It had a webbed mane and tail and it’s eyes were the brightest blue I had ever seen. “As you can see, I am no buffalo,” he said.
“What are you then?”
“I’m a changeling. Now, will you come peacefully or will I have to apply force.”
“Well, I don’t think you could take me by yourself but I’ll come peacefully because why not.”
He led me away for a few hours until we came upon a very large hole where I would come to meat some very interesting and very helpful friends.