One thousand years, eight months, twelve days and thirty two minutes. That is how long I was encased in stone, standing immobile and unblinking, with only a sheet of rock to entertain me. I went mad, went madder, then passed beyond insanity into the glorious world of hatred.
But enough of that. I have work to be about. I slipped unseen into a tower that smelled of burnt gunpowder and was built of grey and blue stone, standing out in the white marble of the rest of the castle I was in like an unloved child at a family dinner. I climbed the stairs, silent as death, and pushed open the heavy wooden door. I stepped up behind the room’s sole occupant even as the alarm went up and her head snapped to the window.
I flexed my wrist, and there was no sound, no flash of light, but a thin, sharp blade slid out from the right cuff of my suit. It had a curved point, and the wooden handle fit my hand to perfection. Being locked in stone is amazing for preserving ancient artifacts, which I guess I was now.
She spun around, horn aglow with some magic, which sputtered out as soon as she saw me.
“No,” she mumbled. “Not you. Anything but you.”
“Yes, Luna. It is I!” I struck a pose, showing off my roguish looks. “Back from the dead; or at least, from stone.”
“That is not my fault, and you know it. I was banished shortly after my sister found thy hiding place.”
I nodded. She was right. “I’m not here to hurt you, Luna.” Well, that’s not my ultimate goal. “I’m here because I’m going to break your sister!”
I think it was the smile I said it with that pissed her off the most. She lunged at me with her hoof, which I dodged easily enough. She was out of practice. Still, she probably had enough power in that small area to put a fair dent in my chest. Couldn’t have that.
I dodged a few more times, smiling all the while, making her angrier and angrier. “Luna, Luna, lunatic. Have you forgotten? Where am I always?”
Her eyes grew wide and she spun around faster than a four legged animal should be able to.
I grinned, stepping up next to her. Leaning down slightly, I whispered in her ear, “Right behind you.” My blade sunk into the side of her neck, severing her spine. She was dead in less than a second. My suit seemed to come alive, and I knew what I would see if I looked in a mirror, but I couldn’t stop myself. Walking over to a dresser, I peered down at the small hand mirror laying atop it. Princess Luna stared back.
It was a disguise, of course. I take the form of anything I kill with that knife. But Luna wouldn’t be down for long. It’s one thing to kill an alicorn. It’s another to make her stay dead. I learned that, a little over a thousand years ago, and learned it the hard way.
[A world away]
I stood in front of my full sized mirror, fixing my cuffs and adjusting my suit. It may sound arrogant, but I looked awesome as hell. Cosplaying as the Red Spy from Team Fortress 2 had probably been one of the best idea’s I’d ever had. Sure, the mask made it hard for people to see my lovely face, but it was a price worth paying. My suit fit like a dream, better even. Not bad for something hand made by an amateur, if I say so myself.
I looked over myself, and also made sure I had everything. Invis watch? Stock and Dead Ringer. Knives? Your Eternal Reward and a Conniver's Kunai. Sapper? Check. Cigarette case? Also check. Gun? Just the Ambassador. And finally, what every TF2 player will recognise as the most important part of the cosplay: the hat. Oh hell yes, check. My handmade Hat of Cards was proudly atop my head. I was ready.
And not a moment too soon, as a second later I was assaulted by the sound of screeching tires, a car horn, and yells of, “Get your ass out here, maggot!”
I put on my best, exaggerated French accent. “One moment!” I did one, final check of all my gear, because I would be seriously pissed if I forgot any of it. Cigarette case slash disguise kit was in the inside jacket pocket, along with the gun, Dead Ringer in left trouser, knives up the sleeves. I grabbed a few more things, wallet and the like, and put them in the pocket of my suit.
In the driveway was my friend John, currently in his guise as the Soldier from TF2. He saw me locking my door and screamed, “Move, maggot!” in his best Drill Sergeant Nasty voice. Considering he was a drill sergeant, he did pretty well. I got in the passenger seat, and he pulled out the drive in a way that had to be illegal.
“So, is that gonna be your thing today? Shouting ‘maggot’ at everyone?”
He just grinned as he picked up even more speed. I leaned back in my chair and gripped that handle above the door. A lot of people wonder why they're there, but I know. It’s because some people, like John, are fucking crazy behind the wheel. Fine in person, but sit them in a thin metal shell and they think they’re in a tank or something. Course, he has driven tanks, and has never been the smartest guy, so he might honestly just be confused.
Somehow, though, we made it to the convention in one piece. With a quick check to make sure we weren’t leaving anything in the car, we headed inside. Around halfway there, John glanced at my hat. “Nice hat. I can see why it took you so long.”
I just grinned. Damn right, the thing was amazing. Real leather, silk band. Card was an ace of hearts to, which went well with me being the Red Spy. We were pretty early, but there was already a hell of a queue. Luckily, I know a guy, so we went around back and got in a service entrance. Of course, I thanked the guy that let us in with a little cash, but whats money between friends?
Alright, I’d never seen the guy before in my life. But he wanted some money, I had money and wanted in. Everyone wins. Mostly me though.
Inside, John and I split up, heading different ways after agreeing to meet up for lunch. I wandered around, looking at booths and other cosplayers, seeing some pretty amazing costumes. I was checking out one booth full of knick-knacks, when the guy behind it said, “I think you’ve lost something.”
I glanced up at him. “Excuse me?”
“Your hat. It’s missing something.”
Taking it off, I saw the card was missing. Ah, shit. If it doesn’t have a card, it’s not the Hat of Cards. It’s just a hat. It doesn’t even get a capital letter. I let out a sigh, then glanced up to see the merchant shuffling a deck of cards. He fanned them out and, with a cheesy grin, said, “Pick a card, any card.”
I grabbed one at random. It was the King of Clubs. I slipped it in the band of my Hat. “How much do I owe you?” I asked, pulling out my wallet.
He waved me away. “It’s just a card, nothing more.” I didn’t like the way he smiled as he said it, but eh, I wasn’t going to complain. Still, I bought the rest of the deck. I’ve already lost one, might lose another. Plus, it was down one card, so it’s not like he could sell it.
After that, I started to get a lot of compliments, especially for the hat. I mean, yeah, it was a nice hat, a real nice hat, but it was getting a bit absurd. Eventually, I stopped someone, a girl in a very nice, very accurate cosplay of Powergirl, and asked her what she liked about it.
She gave me probably the brightest grin I’ve ever seen. “The Unusual effect on it’s the best bit. I have no idea how you got it to glow like that, but it rocks!” And then she vanished, wolf whistles following behind her. I watched her walk away, enjoying the view- wait, glow?
I took of my hat and looked at it. Sure enough, it was glowing. To be specific, the card was glowing. What the almighty fuck? The card was bloody shimmering, with little hearts, clubs, spades and diamonds floating around it like little shiny moons. It was giving of a blood red light that felt so, so very right, and I was floating and falling and I think someone slipped me something, but I was too busy screaming to care.
Wind rushed past as the ground moved up to greet me.
[One thousand and two years earlier]
I woke up who knows how long later to the sound of screaming and metal hitting metal. I was in the middle of a forest somewhere, with the moon full and high above. It was really fucking big as well, much bigger than I ever remember seeing it. The stars were bright as fuck as well, like a bunch of ‘roided up fireflies.
I pushed myself up. “The hell was I on?” I asked the forest, not expecting an answer. I didn’t get one. Thankfully, I was at the edge of the forest, so I hobbled to the treeline to see where I was.
I was in a warzone.
Two armies met in the field at the edge of the forest, one side in bright silver armour, the other in a grey so dark it was basically black. I was behind the grey-clad army, and shitting myself. Still, I couldn’t help but notice all the horses. In fact, I couldn’t see a single person. Hell, the horses had swords in their mouths. It was like some small horse war. It only got trippier from there. I saw horses fucking flying, dive bombing other horses. Pegasi, I guess. Even weirder was the unicorns. They had to be doing magic, there is no other fucking explanation. They’re horns glowed, and other horses died, in a variety or disgusting and explosive way. I turned and walked back into the forest, muttering, ‘nope,’ repeatedly under my breath.
And I walked straight into a horse.
A full grown one, wearing black armour and a crown and with fucking cat’s eyes, slitted pupils staring down at me like an angry and unpleased god inspecting an ant and wondering about the best way to rain down holy fire. So I did the first thing I could think of, when faced with what had to someone important. I turned on the charm.
I placed a hand over my heart and gave a small bow. “M’lady, I beg your forgiveness. I am just a traveller, lost and weary. Could you perhaps tell me where I am?”
She glared down her nose at me. She was very good at it, probably because she had a lot of nose to stare down. “We can. But We will not, for the slight thou have given.”
Who was this we- oh shit, crown, we with one person, she was fucking royalty. I turned the charm up full blast. I dropped to one knee this time. “Your Highness, I do humbly beg forgiveness. I did not know to whom I spoke.” Thank you, Shakespear. If it weren’t for you, there is no way I’d know what to say.
“As you beg so humbly, your forgiveness We shall grant. Arise, and tell Us thy name, traveller, and where thou art from to be so weary during Our glorious night.”
Okay, she likes the night. I like the night. This I can work with. I can survive this. “Your Highness, I am called-” I paused, stumped. I did not know my name. I decided I could panic when I wasn’t worried about being beheaded for annoying the Queen. “Spy,” I finished. It felt right. I was dressed as a spy.
“‘Spy,’” she repeated. “And pray tell Us, Spy, what brings thee here?”
“I have come to assist you in your war.” Where the fuck did that come from? I did not want to say that. I did not want to fight in a war. I was too pretty to go to war. But I say her shift slightly. I had her attention, so I rolled with it. “I am, as my name implies, a master spy and assassin. And I would be your master spy and assassin, if you would have me.”
She seemed surprised by this, and surprise quickly became suspicion. “Are you now? Tell me, Spy, why should We trust the word of an assassin?”
The words came to me in a flash of insight, as a whisper from the night, and I knew they were the right words. “Because the night is yours, and I love the night.”
Her suspicion disappeared instantly. “Very well. Come with Us.” She turned and walked away without another word. With no other options, I followed. There was a shimmering feeling, like someone was standing behind me, and I was surrounded by little horses. They all glanced at me, then saw the big horse next to me, and promptly lost interest. She led me to a large, elegant tent, not the sort used for camping, but for living in. I followed her inside. She was behind a large, wooden desk, dark as pitch.
“We do not know why thou did not use the passphrase immediately, but it matters little,” she said, looking over her desk at me. “I have a mission for thee, Spy. One of the gravest import. Thou must kill my sister.”