The ponies all gathered around the large, oaken conference table (scrapped together from a few tables out of the local hardware store and fused with some Alicorn magic). Everything was set for the trap being laid for Shizukh. The others were in their disguises, the tunnels had been dug, and Twilight had a potion for Trixie that probably wouldn’t kill her. All they needed now was to iron out a few kinks, namely…
“…How in the heck are we going to get Lord Shizukh alone with all this random stuff we’ve got going on!?” Rainbow Dash asked, thumping a hoof on the table.
Trixie (sitting at the table’s head, of course) sighed and rubbed a hoof along her forehead. Fighting the Amulet was starting to take its toll now, which was beginning to show as a mild headache right behind her eyes. “That’s why Trixie has gathered you all here. There’s still a few things about the plan to lay out.”
“Heavens above, with everything we’ve already done, how could there still be something we haven’t touched on!?” Rarity sighed with exasperation.
“Easy, we forgot the most important part like a bunch of idiots: we need to kidnap Wardog Shizukh himself and get him to tell us where the artifact is,” Trixie grimaced. “Without that location, the artifact might just slip into somepony else’s hooves. Trixie shouldn’t need to tell you all how bad that would be.”
“Well, alraght,” Applejack cracked her neck and shoulders, making sure they moved around easily. “That should be easy once we got this varmint’s army on the ropes. Just nab him and make him cough up what we wanna know.”
“Usually, you’d be right; a leader without his army should be easily intimidated,” Twilight sighed, a hoof running nervously through her mane. “But Wardogs are different. Only the toughest, strongest diamond dogs get to be a den leader. Even if he is just a big bully, getting anything from Shizukh would still take time.”
“Time we don’t have,” Trixie sighed, her head cradled in her hooves. “So, any thoughts, anypony?”
A few moments of awkward silence followed, only interrupted when Pinkie quickly slunk away to one corner of the room to play with the Cake twins, being watched over by the group while Mrs. Cake finished up her baking and Mr. Cake studied his new, pink form in the mirror and whispered “…I’m a stallion…I’m a stallion…I like cold beer, hoofball, and poker night with the guys…I’m a stallion…” over and over again.
Eventually, Twilight tapped a hoof on the table. “Okay girls, why don’t we just start from the beginning and work our way up to where we need to be?” Seeing as there were no better ideas, the other mares nodded. “So, from the top, what happens first?”
“That’s easy,” Trixie said. “Shizukh’s convoy shows up in Ponyville. Trixie will drop the shield to allow him in, which will leave us all exposed to spies, so nopony drops their cover from that point forward.”
“Right, and then?”
“The varmint shows up at Town Hall for some of m’treats and small talk with Trixie,” Applejack added. “In the meantime, the ponies we’ve got imponynatin’ us will be settin’ themselves up just outside town, waitin’ for Sethisto t’give the signal you’re gonna program into him.”
“So, Sethisto gives the signal on Trixie’s command,” Trixie said. “Then what?”
“Well, as I understand it, the fake Elements will attack, collapsing the tunnels beneath Ponyville and trapping them in some sort of gooey substance…” Fluttershy started quietly.
“Oatmeal.” Trixie replied.
The other ponies stared at her. “Oatmeal?” Twilight asked.
“Princess Luna was very clear on that point. Oatmeal.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Well, if Princess Luna thinks it’ll work…” she motioned to Fluttershy to continue.
“Um…okay, the dogs get stuck in the stuff, and then Shizukh will be left all alone.”
“Meanwhile, Fluttershy and I will be inside the Trix-dome…” Rarity continued.
“Trome. It’s called the Trome now.” Trixie interrupted.
“What?”
“Trome.”
“Just go with it,” Twilight sighed.
Rarity gave an annoyed snort. “Ugh, fine. Fluttershy and I will be in the Trome…” she glared over at Trixie, who gave a satisfied nod. “…and we’ll be there to calm down the ponies once the spells break down and the dogs are all apprehended.”
“Which leaves just that one hole in the plan,” Twilight sighed. “How do we convince Shizukh to tell us where the artifact is?”
Once again, the awkward silence descended over the entire room. Rainbow Dash sighed and leaned back in her seat. “Well shoot; we could just let him lead us to it.”
The entire table turned to her, Twilight’s eyes widening in realization. “What did you just say?” The lavender unicorn asked.
“Um…I just said we could let him lead us to it,” Dash replied with an eyebrow arched in confusion at her friends’ reactions. “I mean, he does know where it is, and maybe we could…”
“That’s brilliant!” Twilight gasped, leaping out of her seat and planting her hooves on the table. “We just let him lead us straight to it!”
“Um, Twi?” Applejack said, raising a hoof. “We’ve already established Shizukh’s not the most agreeable guy around, how’re we s’posed to talk him into leading us where we wanna go in time?”
“It’s easy! It’s so simple, I can’t believe none of us saw it,” she gasped, leaping up and down on the table in joy.
“Careful, careful! Trixie had to work really hard to find tables this well-polished!” The blue mare exclaimed, summoning a spray bottle and a rag to wipe at where Twilight had just been jumping around.
“Oop, sorry,” the lavender mare blushed and took her seat, recomposing herself. “But really, it’s not that hard if you think about it. Just put yourself in Shizukh’s place!”
“Okay!” Pinkie gasped, suddenly leaping back into the conversation. She closed her eyes and thought for a second, then opened them again with a mean growl. “Rrrrrr…I’m Lord Shizukh, you better do as I say…rrrrrr…”
“No no no no, not literally!” Twilight facehoofed. “Look, just think about it: say you’re Lord Shizukh…”
“…rrrrrr…”
“Pinkie!”
“Twilight!”
The unicorn glared at her friend and frowned. “No.”
“Fine,” dejected, the pink mare stamped back to the corner to play with the twins as Twilight tried very hard not to slam her own head repeatedly against the table until one or the other broke.
“Okay, so say you’re Lord Shizukh,” she continued once she’d recollected her calm. “You’ve just lost your entire army, you’re cut off from all hope of reinforcements, and your greatest enemies know what you’re up to. What do you do?”
Every set of eyes around the table widened. “Trixie would go to ground,” Trixie gasped. “She would want to head right out and gather up whatever resources she had left.”
“Yep, especially the most important resource,” Twilight said expectantly.
“The artifact!” The others all gasped in unison.
“Absolutely correct. So that’s our way in: we let Shizukh slip away from Ponyville, and we follow him right to the artifact. Piece of cake.”
“Unless, of course, he makes it to the artifact before we apprehend him,” Trixie pointed out. “In that case, he could just use it on anypony who heads in after him.”
“Or he could even use it to trigger a siege,” Rarity pointed out. “With something that powerful, he could hold Equestria’s forces at bay long enough to stir up the rest of the Dog dens, and then we’ll have the exact war we’re trying to prevent!”
“Oh,” Twilight’s ears folded back in her mane. “I…didn’t really think about that.”
“But it is a good plan,” Trixie said thoughtfully, a hoof scratching her chin. “We just need to make sure we’re close enough to stop Shizukh before he can make it to the artifact, but far enough where he won’t see us until after he’s led us to it. And I might have an idea as to just how to do that.”
“Well, oh fearless leader,” Rainbow said, hooves crossed over her chest expectantly. “We’re all ears.”
With a super-pony effort, Trixie ignored Dash’s rudeness and continued: “Diamond dog den leaders are notoriously egotistical, and being the strongest and toughest dogs around, who can blame them? It stands to reason that one would want to show up to a meeting in style. As in, say, with a carriage of sorts? One where they would be divided from the other riff-raff, the driver included?”
The other ponies gasped. “That’s it!” Twilight yelled suddenly, stamping her hooves again (and leaving marks, much to Trixie’s exasperation). “We just need to replace the driver!”
“But we need somepony who at least sounds like a dog…” Rarity said, trailing off as she gazed over at her friend, currently in a spit bubble-blowing contest with the Cake twins. “I say, did Pinkie’s growls sound rather…realistic?”
“Yes they did,” Twilight smiled as she turned to the pink mare still playing in the corner. “Pinkie?”
“Hmm?”
“Could you give us your impression of a diamond dog?”
“Oh, now you want to hear an impression?” The pink mare harrumphed as she strode over to the table, her hooves on her hips. “Just a second ago, you were telling me ‘no’.”
“Pinkie,” Fluttershy said, her hoof going to her friend’s as those big, blue eyes pleaded with her. “Please?”
“Aww,” Pinkie sighed, shoulders slumping. “Whydja hafta bring Flutters into this? That’s so unfair.”
Still groaning, the pink mare got down on all fours and cleared her throat, squinting her eyes and scrunching up her snout as best as she could. “Alroight, ya gits!” She announced in a voice like sidewalk gravel being run through a cement mixer. “Git yer gear and get to minin’! I want this tunnel expanded two days ago, and nodog’s gettin’ any suppah ‘til it’s finished!”
She sat up and giggled as the other ponies all stared. “See? Impressions are fun!”
“We have a winner,” Rainbow Dash said with a knowing smile.
“I’ll go with her too,” Twilight said. “I can hide somewhere in the carriage and give her support in case we need to take Shizukh down fast. So, all that’s left is to get rid of any guards around Shizukh’s carriage once he’s arrived.”
“Me an’ Rainbow can handle that, no problem.” Applejack replied, winking and setting her hat up higher on her head.
“Are you sure? Diamond dogs are notoriously tough fighters,” Trixie said.
“Dontcha worry your pretty little head about that,” Dash replied, her wings flexing powerfully. “Just do your part, and me and AJ’ll take care of those big, mean dogs no problem.”
“Still, Trixie would prefer it if you all had a distraction on your side,” the blue mare said, gesturing with a hoof. “Something to give you an advantage when dealing with those guards.”
“A distraction, eh?” Rainbow Dash shrugged and pointed towards the pink mare, now in a race with the Cake twins to see who could cram the most crayons up their noses. “Pinkie’s always been good with those.”
“Eh…for this one, Trixie thinks we would need something more subtle,” the blue mare looked over just as Pinkie sneezed, a cloud of red wax raining all over the twins, who giggled in delight. “And the pink one is about as subtle as a bag of hammers to somepony’s stallion-bits.”
“Stallion-bits,” AJ mumbled, covering her face up with a hoof as she suppressed a snicker. She cleared her throat to continue. “Well, that would just leave Twi here fer the distraction. I s’pose she could come up with somethin’ magical, raght?”
“Yeah,” Rainbow’s eyes lit up. “Or maybe we could get really clever.”
All eyes turned on her. “What do you mean?” Twilight asked.
“Well, the dogs are all guys, right?” Rainbow asked.
“The ones that will be in the city will almost certainly be male, yes,” Trixie said.
“And Twilight, you’re a mare,” Rainbow batted her eyelashes innocently at her friend. “Right?”
“L-last time I checked,” Twilight asked while Trixie’s face lit up.
“Yes,” the magician gasped. “Yes! It’s terrible, it’s horrible, and it’s just underhanded enough to work!”
“Dahlings,” Rarity said nervously. “You lot can’t be implying that Twilight should…”
“Seduce them!” Trixie exclaimed.
“Shake her boo-tay for those dogs!” Rainbow added, nearly bouncing in her chair with childlike glee.
“What!?” The lavender mare nearly fell out of her seat. “Y-you can’t be serious!”
“Oh, c’mon, Sparkle!” Trixie exclaimed, grinning devilishly at her. “It’s not like you don’t have the looks for it!”
“Well…thank you…but I can’t…”
“Oh, just give it a try!” Rainbow exclaimed. “You never know! You could be a natural!”
“Twi, a natural seductress?” Applejack snorted, tilting her hat up for a better view. “This Ah gotta see.”
The purple unicorn stared at all the eyes upon her, biting her lip, sweat dripping off her forehead. “Guys, I don’t…”
“C’mon!” Trixie said, getting out of her seat and striding up to her. “Just pretend Trixie is a big, scary diamond dog and give her your best shot!”
Biting her lip still, Twilight sighed and obeyed, getting down on her hooves. “Um…hi there…big…guy…” she started awkwardly, eyes darting around the room. “Wha-what are you up to…in these…in these…”
“You are really bad at this,” Trixie said, deadpanning.
“I told you!”
“Okay, showmareship number one,” Trixie said with a roll of her eyes. “Confidence. You need to act like you know what you’re doing!”
“But I don’t know what I’m doing!”
“Nopony else needs to know that! Now,” she immediately poked and prodded the unicorn, thrusting her chest out and tilting her chin up. “It’s just like the act Trixie puts on during her shows. You are no longer Twilight Sparkle the adorkable little book worm….”
“…umm…” Twilight blushed as Trixie continued her work.
“…You are now cool, confident. You’ve broken tons of hearts before, and now you’re looking for your next prey. And there he is!” She grabbed Twilight and pointed at a footstool, upon which sat Twi’s old Smarty-Pants doll, recovered from Big Macintosh hardly a few weeks before. “Your next target! You are a predator on the move now! You know exactly what you want and how to get it! He means nothing to you, except as your next one-night stand!”
“You’re making this character sound like some sort of monster,” Twilight said.
“In a way, we’re all monsters,” Trixie replied, eyes staring ahead blankly. Twilight arched an eyebrow. The rest of the room fell silent. Eventually, the magician rolled her eyes. “Look, you’ve read books with mares like that in them, right?”
“Well…it wasn’t exactly sanctioned by Princess Celestia…” Twilight said, cheeks reddening.
“Is that a yes?”
Twilight bowed her head. “Yes.”
“Good, just pretend to be that mare!” Trixie said, taking a step back. “Remember: you are no longer Twilight Sparkle. You are confident! You are collected! And you are on the hunt! And…action!”
Twilight stood there, frozen in place, her heart beating audibly. Rolling her eyes again, Trixie gave her a quick nudge to the flank, and Twilight shot forward with a surprised yelp. Looking back over her shoulder, she could see her friends urging her on quietly, and even Trixie leaning forward expectedly. With a nervous quiver, she turned back to the doll. Okay, like Trixie said, she thought, trying to calm herself. Calm. Collected. Confident. Just like the mares in the stories…just like the mares…
Wait, why did she even have to think about those mares for confidence? She was Twilight Goddamned Sparkle! The Element of Magic, the one who her friends all depended upon! This should be a snap for her! With a final breath, Twilight closed her eyes. When she opened them again, there was a new spark of confidence in them, burning quietly.
“Hey there stranger, welcome to my bedroom,” she said, her voice breathless, her eyes half-lidded and oozing with lust as she strode up to the doll, her tail swishing side-to-side with her hips. “Now, don’t think that me letting you in here is an invitation for any funny stuff. I mean…”
She trailed a hoof gently over the doll’s head, slowly running through its mane to caress the little cloth chin. “…Not that I have a problem with funny stuff,” she finished with a quick bite on her bottom lip and a little peck to the doll’s forehead. Ending by batting her eyelashes, she turned back to the table, a hopeful smile lighting up her face. “So, how was that?”
The entire table was silent. Every pony stared back at her, eyes wide, jaws slack.
“Oh, that bad?” She sighed, sitting on her haunches, her ears folding back dejectedly. “I knew this wouldn’t work.”
“No, no, Twi, that was…” Trixie swallowed shakily, her cheeks growing bright red. “…good.”
Fluttershy’s wings popped up with a little ‘pomf.’ “Really good,” Dash added, her wings giving a faint shiver.
“Really?” Twilight asked, looking up.
“Yes, really, just…keep practicing, yeah?” Trixie said quickly.
“Well, now that’s all settled,” Applejack croaked. “Should we go over the plan again?”
“Of course,” Trixie said as she and Twilight rejoined the table.
“Okay, but can we skip the first part?” Pinkie asked, magically materializing back in her chair. “I think that would just bore the readers.”
“O-kay,” Trixie said carefully, looking over to Twilight for an explanation, but just getting a shrug in return. “So…Shizukh drives into town…”
“…Trixie puts on a one-pony show for him…” Dash continued.
“…then Sethisto gives the signal to the fake elements…” Fluttershy this time.
“…who launch their fakey attack, triggering the traps we have all over town for them…” Pinkie.
“…Shizukh makes a run for it in his carriage…” AJ kept the plan going.
“…which has me and Pinkie for drivers…” Twilight said.
“…which lets us get the location from him so we can turn around, bonk him on the head, and be back in time for a ‘You’re not enslaved’ party for all of Ponyville!” Pinkie finished gladly.
“Pinkie!” Twilight glared.
“What?” She asked, staring Twilight right back. The pair kept the glares up for a while before Pinkie finally relented. “Okay, okay, a ‘you’re not enslaved’ soiree.”
Twilight’s glare darkened.
“Fine, a grouping.”
And darkened.
“Gathering?”
Darkened.
“Friendly get-together?”
Finally, the lavender mare rolled her eyes. “I suppose that’s the best I’m going to get from you.”
“How Trixie was ever defeated by you six will always shock and mystify her,” Trixie mumbled, her head in her hooves again.