The Life of a Non-Brony

by BronyWriter


29-Duo

So what does one do when they have just asked out a pony? Well, the first thing one does is they drop off their phoenix at Fluttershy's house so that there are no distractions while they hang out together. Then they go to lunch, which is where we were now.

Given that Cheerilee and I aren't rolling in the bits, we went to one of the lower end, but still kind of classier restaurants in the area. I tend to avoid restaurants because they don't often have anything that caters to my particular palate, but this one had a few things, and they had a Hearts and Hooves Day couples special to make it even cheaper.

So here we are now: sitting on haystacks and smiling at each other. Our food remains mostly untouched, though we did take a few bites when it arrived.

"So..." Cheerilee begins.

"So..." I agree.

Her smile turns into a vague smirk. "How long did it take you to work up the courage to ask me out, and how long has this been coming?"

I chuckle and rub the back of my neck. "Yeah, well, it took from the time that I woke up to the moment I asked you out to work up the nerve..." Deep breaths, TD. Deep breaths. "As for how long this has been coming? Well... I can't really say." I shrug and eat a potato fry, as they call them here. "It's hard to pinpoint the moment when I figured out that what I felt for you went beyond the love two best friends have for each other. When I realized that I w-wanted to... uh..." I take yet another deep breath to calm the hurricane of butterflies in my stomach. "Ask you out, you know?"

Cheerilee gives me a comforting smile and puts a hoof on my arm. "TD, relax. You don't have to worry about me saying no anymore. I already said yes. I'm your marefriend. You can calm down now."

"Marefriend," I mutter. I give a single chuckle and poke at my food. "I never imagined that I'd ever even have a marefriend. You know my background."

Cheerilee smirks and crosses her forelegs. "You're telling me. Remember how we met?"

"Sure do." I look towards the Ponyville schoolhouse, my eyes catching a blue mare that somehow looks vaguely familiar, but I wave the thought aside in lieu of an answer. "Sweetie Belle brought me in for show and tell a day or two after I was brought here by Celestia."

"Yeah." Cheerilee turns her own attention to the schoolhouse. "If you had told me right then that around nine years down the line I'd be dating the weird creature in front of me, I'd have called you crazy."

I chuckle and raise my glass to her a few inches. "Same to you, of course."

"We make an odd couple, TD, I don't think that anypony, or human for that matter, can deny that."

I shrug and drain the rest of my water before responding. "I know some people out there would be okay with it, I guess. If I've learned anything from movies it's that the odd couples are always the ones that people tend to like seeing the most. The dynamic isn't stereotypical, so people are always curious as to how the relationship is going to work."

"Speaking of movies..." Cheerilee motioned in the direction of town. "What do you want to do after lunch? There are some Hearts and Hooves type movies that have come out recently. Do you want to go see one?"

"Sounds good to me," I say as I pick up my fork. "We'll finish up and try to catch a showing of something, then go from there."

Cheerilee agrees and the two of us continue talking and finishing up our meals. I have to admit that it's... different, hanging out with her like this. Have Cheerilee and I had lunch together before? Yeah. Have we gone to a movie before? Definitely, but not as marefriend and boyfriend. I can tell that there's something... different about the dynamic between the two of us now. I get the feeling that she feels much the same way.

It's... kind of nice.

That's not to say that I'm not a little conflicted about it, of course. She is still a pony, and that's going to make our relationship a little more complicated than if I was dating a woman. Am I physically attracted to Cheerilee? No. Is she physically attracted to me? No. That's going to make our relationship a little bit different.

What about going forwards? What if we do get married? How is that going to work? What if she wants foals? Are we just going to try some crazy sciency stuff that I'm not even sure would work? Even if it did, what kind of baby would come out? Do I want a pony child or would it be nice to have a human one? Could I raise a human child in this environment? What about a pony foal? That's going to be weird explaining that dad is a species found nowhere else on the planet. Maybe If I...

Uh...

You know what, TD? Maybe you should worry about the movie times for your first date before you worry about what your kid is going to be like.

That's the kind of thing that's a few years down the line, despite the fact that Rarity already has the wedding outfits designed.

Cheerilee must have noticed my uneasy demeanor, because she is frowning slightly and her head is tilted. "TD? Is something the matter?"

Guess I wasn't as subtle about my train of thought as I had intended.

I smile back at her and wave the hand holding the fork. "Yeah. Everything is great. Just thinking about stuff, that's all."

"Oh?" Cheerilee pushes her empty plate aside and puts her napkin on top of it. "What kind of stuff?"

"Er..." I chuckle nervously and rub the back of my neck. "Like... what if you and I got married and wanted kids? How would that work? Do we try some sciency/magic stuff that nobody has ever attempted? Is that even possible? Do we adopt? How do we help the foal come to terms with a human father? What--"

"TD?"

"Yeah?"

"Let's just worry about the movie times for the first date for right now, okay?"

I look down at my own empty plate, then back to my marefriend, who has her forelegs crossed again, but there is a hint of amusement about her. I give a small smile and push my plate aside. "Fair enough."

* * * *

"Oh, Massive Muscles, however can I thank you for saving me from those ruffians?!"

Massive Muscles flexes his biceps and sweeps the impossibly trim unicorn mare in front of him off of her hooves, spreading his wings and taking to the air. "There is no need to thank me, Sweet Flank. Your beauty and grace is thanks enough."

Sweet Flank blushes and fans herself with one hoof. "Why, Massive Muscles, you are a true gentlecolt. You sure know how to make me feel like a real mare."

The music swells as Massive Muscles and Sweet Flank slowly lock lips, the sun setting behind them. Tears of joy pour down Sweet Flank's eyes while Massive Muscles caresses her back.

Meanwhile I'm ruing the fact that we're only half an hour into the movie. Bad chick flicks are inter-dimensional, it seems.

All around me are couples who seem to be enjoying the movie about as much as I am. The unicorn couple beside us are mirroring Sweet Flank and Massive Muscles, and a glance behind me in the theater shows that they're not alone.

It is Hearts and Hooves Day, but that doesn't make me feel any less uncomfortable. I look over at Cheerilee who is looking evenly at the screen. After a few seconds she leans in close to me.

"TD... this movie is awful."

Oh thank goodness she agrees. I know her, and I know that this isn't her taste in cinema, but if this is her idea of a date night, then there will be boundaries that have to be set.

"I agree," I whisper back. "Plus all of the couples making out around us is kind of creeping me out."

"Really?" Cheerilee says with a raised eyebrow. "You don't want to follow Lyra's advice? It is Hearts and Hooves Day."

"That was two years ago!" I hiss back. "How do you even remember that off the top of your head?"

"That was the day an ancient god of chaos was reformed by our friendship and, more shockingly, you decided not to punch Princess Celestia when you had the chance. That's the kind of thing a mare remembers."

Well... I don't suppose that I can argue with that. I mean, I remember the line too, but I had to be reminded of it. "It doesn't really matter, I guess," I say as I glance at the screen again, which I instantly regret now that Massive Muscles and Sweet Flank are back at one of their houses and Sweet Flank is running her hoof down the base of her lover's wing. Man, I really wish Equestria had IMDB so I would look up what movies are rated and why. "What matters is that this movie is awful, and I do not wish to continue watching. Do you?"

Cheerilee giggles and shakes her head. "Not in the slightest."

Oh good.

I take great delight in standing up from my too small seat and walking out of the theater with Cheerilee right behind me, listening to the oral passions of more than just two ponies named Massive Muscles and Sweet Flank fade away. Sheesh. The movies that some ponies make.

"Okay, so now that we're out of the same torture room that they filmed the Clockwork Orange Ludovico Treatment in, what do you want to do now?" I ask. "The day is still relatively young."

"Well since movies are cheaper for couples we could go see a better one," Cheerilee suggests, walking over to a large board that displays the showtimes next to the ticket booth. "Might want to ask about the genre and quality first, though."

"Seconded," I grumble. "That was painful."

Cheerilee rolls her eyes before looking back at the board. "Well, I assume romance is out, despite the date."

I shrug. "I dunno, Cheerilee, those kinds of movies aren't really your cup of tea either, are they?"

Cheerilee smirks and shakes her head. "Not in the slightest, TD. But, tis the date, I suppose, so I thought I could grimace and bear it for one day."

"Yeah, there's no need with me." I lean against a nearby wall and look at the board myself. "Anything here look good to you?"

"This one looks interesting. Killer Cyborg from the Future! Could be fun, don't you think?"

I nod and straighten back up. "Couldn't be any worse than what we saw."

Though on Earth a title like that indicates that the movie was directed by Ed Wood, but here it could be something different. Cheerilee and I walk over to the ticket booth and buy two tickets to... er... Killer Cyborg from the Future!

Very Hearts and Hoovesey.

We walk into the theater, which is just about as packed as the last movie, and find two seats about four rows from the back just as the final trailer ends. I try to find a comfortable spot in my too small seat as the theater darkens and the movie begins.

It opens on a desolate wasteland. I can tell that what we are seeing was once a city, but war has ravaged it. War with weapons that humans would look at and want for their arsenals, I'd wager. Words flash across the screen in blocky white letters.

Canterlot 2029 A.D.

A.D. standing for After Discord, of course.

The camera pans left and a metal aircraft flies overhead as beams of magic fire across the screen. The camera cuts to a giant machine that is rolling over pony skulls, crushing them underneath its surprisingly tank-like treads. It shines a magic light out into the night, firing beams of bright blue magic out at anything that it sees. The camera then cuts to a lone pony, dirty and battered, running for her life across the destroyed terrain as the machine fires at her. The machine hits something important, and an explosion rocks the frame. This is already far superior to the last film, and something about the way this has started tells me that I'm really going to like this one.

The machines continue their search, presumably looking for more ponies to destroy as more words flash across the screen.

The machines rose from the ashes of the megaspells that destroyed the princesses. The war to exterminate ponykind had raged for decades, but the final battle would not be fought in the future. It would be fought here, in our present.

... Tonight

...

... Wait a second.

This all looks vaguely familiar. Am I...?

Am I watching a ponified version of The Terminator? That... would make sense. I did write down every detail of the movies I had on my laptop in the notebooks that I gave to Twilight, and The Terminator was one of the movies that I had on my laptop. It seems that some movie executive somehow got ahold of that particular notebook and made a movie out of it.

That I am now watching with my marefriend on Hearts and Hooves Day nine years after coming to Equestria. A ponified version of The Terminator.

I glance over at Cheerilee who is staring that the screen much more intently than she was with the last movie. I suppose a megaspell war that destroyed both princesses is interesting, and I'll admit that it is. It wouldn't be the first time that Celestia and/or Luna were killed in a movie. It's a quick and easy way to let the audience know what the stakes are. I asked Celestia about whether she minded that she dies in movies. She laughed and said that when they go to see those kinds of movies, her and Luna "place bets on which of us will bite it first."

But I digress.

Is it odd watching a ponified version of one of my favorite movies? Yeah, it totally is, particularly on a first date with a member of another species, but I'd rather see ponified Terminator than no Terminator at all. I have to say that they were pretty faithful to my notations. It was pretty much a shot-for-shot remake of The Terminator.

But do you know who the actors were who played Sarah Connor's roommate and the roommate's boyfriend? The same two actors who played Massive Muscles and Sweet Flank. When they came on the screen Cheerilee and I both said "no way" at the same time, then giggled to each other at the synchronicity of our words, which came at an odd time because Massive Muscles was talking about feeling up Sweet Flank's horn.

Long story short, Cheerilee and I had an absolute blast watching the movie. I had seen it a bunch, so I knew what was coming, but she had never seen it. She found it highly tense, and whenever the Terminator would come close to catching the damsel in distress heroine "Sapphire Corona" and her valiant, masculine pegasus protector "Knife Runner," she would tense up and wrap her forelegs around my arm until danger had passed, meaning that she was squeezing my arm pretty consistently throughout the last quarter or so of the film.

Eventually good triumphed over evil, roughly speaking, and the film ended the exact way I had dictated it. The lights came on and the crowd cheered and stomped their hooves in the way I had come to associate with clapping. I have to admit, for the technology, and for the fact that they were all ponies, they could have done a lot worse. A lot worse. Maybe I'll become a screenwriter for pony film companies and make millions with Earth movie ideas. Couldn't hurt to at least send them the script to T2, considering how faithful they were to my script for the original.

"So, what did you think?" I ask as we walk out of the theater.

"I liked it," Cheerilee responds, a large smile on her face. "Tense, good effects, well acted for the most part... it was a fun film."

"One of my favorites on Earth."

Cheerilee gasps and stops in her tracks. "That was an Earth film?!"

I smirk and nod. "Sure was. It wasn't called Killer Cyborg from the Future! on Earth, though, it was just called The Terminator."

"But how did they manage to make an Earth movie?" Cheerilee gives an incredulous scoff and shakes her head. "That's an almost infinitesimally small chance that they'd come up with the same idea."

"They didn't. It was in one of the notebooks I left Twilight." I shrug. "Guess the right pony picked one up."

"Guess so," Cheerilee mutters. She frowns and tilts her head slightly. "Was that the only one that you left in a notebook?"

I shake my head. "Nope. I had six movies on my laptop. So, if in the six years I was gone you watch movies about a cop who has to save a building of hostages from terrorists, a crime family where they youngest son eventually becomes the Don of the family through ruthless murder, a film where three travelers are kidnapped, tortured and murdered by a crazy bushman in an isolated terrain, one where a cop goes to an island to find a missing girl but the villagers are unhelpful and in some cases downright creepy, or one where a bunch of jewelry store robbers just failed a heist but are trying to figure out who sold them out to the cops, then you watched an Earth movie. All five of those were movies that I left in the notebooks for Twilight."

"Well I can't say that I watched all of those movies, but I certainly heard about all of them," Cheerilee admits. "I did see the heist one and the cop/hostage one, though."

Great. Just great. So the ponies have been remaking my movies, and I only got to see one of them. Figures.

I'm about to respond but three familiar blurs run right past the two of us, shouting at the tops of their collective lungs.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS TERMINATORS ARE GO!"

I hear Cheerilee squeak and rush towards the blurs. "No! You already have your cutie marks!"

The three blurs screech to a halt revealing, of course, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo, all three of whom are grinning mischievously at the two of us. Cheerilee, recognizing that she's been played, grimaces and flattens her ears. "Ha, ha, girls. I take it you enjoyed the movie?"

"Did we ever!" Scootaloo buzzes her wings excitedly and hovers a few feet into the air. "The explosions and magic fights and the lasers and the killer cyborg terminator thing... it was awesome!"

"Glad you liked it," I said with a smirk. "We enjoyed it too."

"Yeah, it was a pretty good film," Apple Bloom agrees. "Ah liked it when..." Apple Bloom's smile falls and is replaced with a confused look. She frowns at the two of us and tilts her head. "Wait... the two of you are hangin' out... together... on Hearts and Hooves Day?"

Ah. Yes, did I mention that the Crusaders had become remarkably more perceptive in the years since I had come to Equestria? The other Crusaders immediately pick up on what Apple Bloom is getting at, and for a few awkward moments the trio stares at the two of us with wide eyes. What's worse about this situation is that we can't deny it. We are dating now. Now, again, Cheerilee and I have hung out a lot of times. We are best friends, after all. However, the fact that we're hanging out together on Hearts and Hooves Day is obviously setting off some alarm bells in their minds. Alarm bells that don't happen to be wrong.

Before Cheerilee and I can say anything, the Crusaders dash off, presumably to their clubhouse, which they do still use, leaving the two of us staring at the empty space they used to inhabit. After a few seconds Cheerilee slowly turns her head to me.

"So, the Cutie Mark Crusaders just figured out that we're dating. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

I shrug. "I don't know. We weren't hiding it. We had lunch in public. Then again, it is the Crusaders. They were the ones who gave you the love poison." I scratch my chin thoughtfully. "Do you think they have something planned?"

"If they don't, they will soon."

I can't argue with that, and knowing the Crusaders, I have no idea if I should be excited or worried.