The Crystal Empire would have been forced to concede to its dark fate, if it wasn’t for the emergence of a third force. But who, oh who could it have been? Could it have been sympathetic race apologist, Discord? Or the clear heroes of history, the Equinus Republic? (just wishful thinking on my part) Well, as I described in the previous chapter, those historical figures are both “medium” and “good” on the official LOOSE CHANGE MORALITY SCALE™. But sadly we can’t have good triumph over evil in the world of Equestria. So of course, it must have been thanks to the dark mechanisms of Celestia.

But how could Celestia interfere in an Empire she didn’t even know of? Oh, you naïve, foolish fool.[84] Do you think a concept as simple as a country hidden from the outside world in the arctic north, inhabited by crystal earth ponies yet inexplicably ruled by unicorns, whose most recent heir went insane and attempted to go on a murderous rampage throughout the city, would be untouched by ~~Molestia~~ Celestia?

So how did Celestia worm her way into history again? Two words. Spi-es. Okay, one word.

With Celestia’s secret network of informants, by keeping her ear to the ground (oh, who are we kidding? She was practically dry humping Equestria with the extent of her spying), she was able to learn of the Crystal Empire’s existence before the Empire even learnt of her rise to power.

I mean, sure, the official explanation was that she “with her godly eye, knew of their existence before they had even come to being, as all of what the sun’s light touches can be seen by Celestia, for Celestia is love, Celestia is life”.[85] But honestly, I’ll just let those words speak for themselves. It seemed that Celestia’s propagandists were just getting full of themselves at this point.

Well, someway-or-another, Celestia knew of the Crystal Empire, and by extension, also knew of King Sombra and his turn. For a good political leader to handle a situation like this, negotiating with a country who doesn’t even know you know they exist, led by an insane, genocidal fiend, it would take finesse and grace. Which is why Celestia instead immediately declared to the public that they would go to war. And this is why Celestia isn’t a good leader.

Traditionalist historians (who were granted the ability to research the Crystal Empire with its return in 2012, but more on the reasoning for the restriction later), state that such a declaration was not only necessary, it was mandatory.

Sure, the attempted genocide and pony rights violations all sound well and good (please don’t quote me on this out of context) to justify a war, but let’s think about the real reasons Celestia would so brazenly announce the existence of the Crystal Empire and the sudden threat it imposed on ponykind.

Celestia knew that the Empire couldn’t be kept secret forever. After all, if Canterlot’s latest medieval trends were somehow infiltrating the Empire, there had to have been a leak. This coupled with the fact that Sombra’s dark experiments were allowing him to learn more and more about dark magic, made the Crystal Empire an immediate threat to the sustainment of their regime. For as we know, Celestia, Luna, and the Elements of Harmony relied on the use of dark magic, and they needed to preserve their secrets; they could not have such a rambunctious pony “flaunting his goods”, or even worse, potentially becoming a challenger to their regime. This would explain their need to silence him, which prompted the preliminary Crystal Siege. To gain the fiercely isolationist Crystal territories and the potentially damaging sources in the libraries would simply be a bonus. So one can conclude that her claim for initiating the war to ensure the “protection of the wellbeing of all ponykind”[87] was more likely just an excuse to justify a pre-emptive invasion and secure the protection of her secrets.

Also, while Sombra clearly had plans for the genocide of the crystal ponies, he never was able to go through with any of them. In fact, it would be difficult to prove he ever intended to kill any ponies at all (except for all the evidence I presented in the last chapter, but after all, sometimes one can just “ignore” facts to prove a point). Some would say he was just unable to, as his genocidal ambitions were planned to stretch over ten years (scheduled from 954 to 964) to properly perform his dark rituals,[88] and that the evil experiments he performed, such as his perfecting of the fear, torturing, and stairs spells, were evidence enough of his evil. But to that I say “whatever”. The point I’m just trying to make here is that Celestia had no real guarantee of what Sombra was really going to do (and the words of spies don’t count), and as such, had no real justification for an invasion other than the fact she wanted to silence a potential leak of her secrets. End of discussion.

Equestria (the nation) certainly was ready for a war, at least in the mind of Celestia. With an oversized pegasi army that she was now confident would stay obedient to her, and the support of her population, it seemed like victory was ensured. But in actuality, I must remind you she did little to actually strengthen the nation. Superficial improvements don’t fuel wars after all. (I am of course, defining the boosted agriculture, infrastructure, economy, and general wellbeing of ponies as superficial improvements). If the domestic situation of Equestria was weakened, to sustain the nation for a possible drawn-out war would spell the death of the Celestia-tainted nation before it even had time to breathe.

Which is of course why none of that happened. I mean, despite all of my analysis and truthful* data, it seemed that no matter how I adjust history, I can’t fit this Celestia= failure agenda into this at all! Ughh! It’s really enough to piss you off, ya know? But you know what they say, hindsight is 0/0. And 0/0 is infinity.[89] Where I’m going with this, I don’t know. All I’m trying to say here is that it seemed Celestia was prepared for this invasion and war after all (contrary to ~~all of my data~~ the TRUTH).

So Celestia (and Luna too I suppose, why she came along is anyone’s guess) marched with a fighting force of a thousand ponies strong (which must have been a fabrication; that army is wayy larger than the capacity of my apartment. Even if I include the bathroom!) to the North to confront Sombra in a surprise attack. But interestingly, it seemed that Sombra kept his ear to the ground too. Or humping it? I don’t know, I forgot what analogy I was trying to make (I mean, who humps an ear anyways?) While early on in his rule he neglected to keep up with Equestrian (the nation) politics, during his drooling “CRYSTALSS” phase, he somehow was able to know Celestia’s plans ahead of time, and thusly, had more than enough time to prepare.

Remembering that this was before the advent of trains, it would take at least a month or two of long trekking to reach the Crystal Empire. While Celestia did learn of the Empire’s true location through her spies (probably the CWMFS), one would also have to take into account the harsh weather conditions of the Arctic north. But somehow, soldier morale remained strong, and they persisted.[90] It is here where I would usually insert a lovey dovey “praise fatty” primary source on how Celestia’s glory strengthened the resolve of the soldiers. But I’ve had enough of those. So enjoy some of my signature haikus instead. They’re probably way more satisfying and informative than those quotes could ever be.

I hate writing this
My prof can go eat a dick
Celestia sucks

Flirting with hobos
More difficult than it seems
When you don’t have bits

I might not have change
But I still am rather “Loose”
Why spurn me, Larry?

I think those haikus capture the historical context of the “Long March” pretty well. So with that, we can just skip to their arrival.

As I stated, Sombra came prepared for the Equestrian forces. Such preparations include[91]:

1. Making dark crystals sprout from nowhere.
2. More dark crystals.
3. Unleashing armies of twisted, rampaging beasts of his own dark creation to defend his
Empire.
4. Have I mentioned the crystals yet?

The Equestrian army was prepared for a surprise siege, but now had to fight a full-out war. But with the leadership (leadership of course, being used loosely) of Celestia and Luna, despite an initial struggle, the army was able to overcome the series of full scale battles in the Arctic theater. Interestingly enough, Sombra himself never actually took part of these battles, which some modern historians state explains the lack of morale from his army. Of course, this is kind of stupid; his armies didn’t have any sentient creatures who would benefit from a morale boost (and if there were any crystal ponies in the army, why would they have a boosted morale fighting alongside their oppressor?) Anywho, with Equestria finally pushing the enemy forces back to the heart of the Empire, it seemed like the United Royal Indomitable National Equestrian forces (their official name at the time, which was excessively extravagant and longwinded) could finally end the war once and for all. Shortly after the “Crystal Siege” began, the Equestrian forces probably realized that trying to starve out the already starving population against an evil and apathetic king wasn’t the best way to approach things, so they went with a general assault instead.[92]

Quickly breaching the defenses of the Empire (which, after Sombra’s evil creations were defeated in the Arctic Campaign, only consisted of preparatory steps 1,2, and 4), the army quickly began to liberate the Empire, while Celestia and Luna chose to confront Sombra in his castle alone.[93] This choice by the princesses clearly sticks out as like a sore hoof. Once their armies had already penetrated the Empire, why not provide support to the princesses when facing off against such a powerful master of dark magic? Well, you might think I would say it’s because Celestia wouldn’t want them to hear Sombra divulge any of her secrets, which one can say of certainty that he knew of. And while that’s definitely a major reason why the royal sister(s) chose to fight alone, I would say the bigger reason was because Celestia was an even greater master of dark magic, so she wasn’t really worried about his power. This only serves to further prove my point of the hidden evil and dark magic that the princesses possess.

It is important to note here that the sources in the Crystal library during the Siege became more oriented towards personal journals and messages due to the urgency of the situation, and towards the end of the Battle of the Crystal Empire, little reputable sources were made (as it was around this point that the crystal ponies would be sealed for a thousand years). While this would not matter, as the Crystal Empire (and its sources) would cease to be relevant following its disappearance, it provides a convenient explanation for why I have little data on the fight of Celestia and Luna against Sombra, even with the reappearance of the Empire’s libraries.

So you might think I would stop all the postulating about the Crystal War here right? After all, I’m all out of my “super fudge-coatedly awesome” Crystal Library sources. Well, luckily enough, it seemed I still have one more ace up my sleeve. You know, if I wore a shirt or something. Or played cards.

A sole first-hand witness to the epic fight of the royal sisters against the mad king, an anonymous crystal stenographer who was not yet enslaved by Sombra (probably as a testament to her mad writing skillz) was able to take one last account of the princesses’ confrontation with the king. And it went something like this. Now, fair warning here. At this point King Sombra spoke purely in Crystalese, so what is provided below is a rough translation of his words by the intelligent, gracious, and most of all, modest pony, Loose Change. Yes, I can speak Crystalese, I am 1/2048th crystal pony (on my mother’s side) after all, and before you ask, yes, it IS a very beautiful language. Of course, some (idiots) may be concerned about potential bias here. But I ensure you, there have been no alterations (except, of course, for my addendums shown in parentheses, which were added to provided context) or anything “Lost in Translation”[94] as a result of this. Probably. If there was, it’s your word against mine. And I’m the translator. Need I remind you, I have ALL the words.

So let’s get back on topic. Translated from a brief excerpt of their confrontation, the source reads,

It’s at this point in which I probably should have mentioned Sombra’s secret preparatory step #5, “in case of emergency or defeat, break glass”.[96] And by “break glass”, he meant to seal himself along with his city into eternal shadow, locked away like a Hearth’s Warming Eve present from the greedy eyes of young fillies, to be opened only with the passing of a thousand years. Or maybe more than that. Honestly, Equestria’s timeline is so messed up. Why is everything a thousand years? How could the Crystal Empire appear “a thousand years later” but Luna be freed “a thousand years later” before then, when her banishment to the moon was before the reappearance of the Empire? One might think there’s a fabrication of history or a sign of Celestia’s interference here, but I don’t see it. Sombra’s curse probably wasn’t literal or something. Let’s focus on more pressing matters. Like why Sombra used two exclamation marks instead of just one.

If you absolutely need an explanation, I’ll just say a wizard did it. Maybe it was Starswirl! After all, we’ve already toyed with the idea of him and time travelling. It wouldn’t be too farfetched to have him do it again, despite all of the time inaccuracies and plot holes that arise from this. Again: wizard did it, don’t need nothing like logic to explain myself. Unless you’re with the fallacy police.
YOU HEAR THAT YOU PIGS? I CAN SEE THROUGH YOUR TRICKS!

With regards to the previous source, one must be careful regarding its validity, as there is really no proof that the exact encounter took place. It could have been easily manipulated by Celestia immediately afterwards, before the disappearance of the Empire. So it might be best to take this source with a pinch of salt. And maybe a little parmesan. Oh yeah. That’s the stuff.

Butttt on the other hand, my translation of the source fits in so well with everything else, so maybe it’s true after all! Yeah, it’s definitely true. And that’s the bottom line, cuz Loose Change said so.[97]

So, with Sombra’s defeat and apparent death, Celestia and Luna had about five minutes to clear to heck out of there before she got caught in the sealing spell. The rest of the army also had to “haul ass” the heck out of there too. And I’m sure it was at this time that Celestia wished she hadn’t eaten so many cakes for dessert. I’m telling you gurl, it goes straight to your thighs.

Anyways, any attempts by the Equestrian Forces to help the Crystal Ponies escape was sadly in vain. The sealing spell specifically targeted them, and they were dragged into the shadows of the cracks of time like the rest of the Empire, to slumber for a thousand years.

All-in-all, the end of the Crystal War was quite the whirlpool of events. No, really, I’m sure that it was like a literal whirlpool, as the entirety of the Empire was sucked into the deepest abyss of dark magic, one of which not even Celestia could free anypony from its power. Truly it seemed as though Sombra had the last laugh. While it certainly was a victory for Equestria, in the hindsight of history, it certainly was a hollow one. Equestria lost a multitude of soldiers to free an empire of ponies who were now instead, trapped for a thousand (give or take) years in the shadows. The only thing that Celestia ensured from this was the protection of her dark secrets from a population that was curious for the truth. Despite this small achievement for Celestia, at the end of the day, too many sacrifices were made for too little of a net gain. And now it was time for the long march home; having to turn their backs upon the remains of a great empire. It certainly must have been a (excuse the upcoming pun, I can’t help myself here) somber time for everypony.

Which is why upon their return, Celestia hyped up their success like the Second Coming of Smooze. I mean honestly, the Equestrian propaganda machine was running full steam here.[99] And the pegasi celebrated their perceived success with their expected brohoofs, drinking parties, and keg stands.[100]

From what I heard (the records have since been destroyed, as this early celebration of success was before the forced silence), Celestia sung the praises of the “brave Equestrian army”, and how they were able to defeat an “Empire of Evil”.[101] Of course, she probably conveniently left out the whole “disappearance of the ponies they were trying to save for ponyitarian reasons”. Are you starting to see why I despise Celestia so? And the worst part? The citizens believed her![102] Yes, it was at this point that Celestia’s stronghold over the minds of the populace was so strong, she could say something one day, and say the opposite the next, and nopony would question it! It was a truly terrifying power she wielded over all ponies. And it was precisely thanks to this control over knowledge she possessed that she was able to continue to deem herself invincible; an act that would cause her to pay a heavy price sooner than she thought.

Let’s discuss the silence part. Why would Celestia enforce a ban on mentioning the Crystal Empire? For over a millennium, the only witnesses to this climactic battle would be the princesses themselves, and what remained of the Equestrian forces (who also have little sources to share, despite having every reason to continue to write about their experiences, because of reasons that will be revealed later on). Of course, initially there was no such ban; all of Equestria was celebrating their “victory”, and the Crystal Empire and the War was well known by fillies and colts of all ages. But at some point, the ban became a decree that Celestia signed into law, ensuring that the Crystal Empire and the Crystal War would be forgotten in history. Why is this you may ask? Perhaps it was because the Crystal War would be the last victory (and even in this case, one could hardly call a real victory) Celestia would possess in a while, and in the context of history, it can only have been said to be quite pyrrhic. For it was the aftermath of the Crystal War that would act as the direct catalyst to one of Equestria’s worst domestic conflicts and Celestia’s greatest failure, the Equestrian Civil War. Ooh, I’m getting tingles just talking about it. I can’t wait! So let’s waste no time; let’s dive right in.

Equestria: A History Revealed

by Hoofry_Poneigher

Chapter 16: The Forgotten War - The Crystal Siege