A Close Shave
"Oh God, not another one!" Stanley Turner screamed as he fought to regain control of the blue Chevy Nova he was driving. His passenger, Jerry Burnside, groaned in pain as the sudden movement of the car jolted his injured leg. Sitting in the back seat behind these men was a small, purple unicorn named Twilight Sparkle. She was currently examining her surroundings with curiosity.
"Another one? Wait, does that mean you've seen another pony like me? Well, not exactly like me. I'm a unicorn, and she's an earth pony. Anyway, her name is Pinkie Pie and she seems to have been transported to Earth, if my calculations are correct. They always are, you know. I guess I don't really know what Earth looks like though. Is this really Earth?" Twilight began asking questions in rapid-fire succession. "This is so amazing. So what are you, anyway? I guess it would be rude to call you 'creatures'. Wait, you don't eat ponies, do you?"
Finally, someone who likes to talk as much as I do, Jerry thought to himself. "Uh, hey Miss Purple Unicorn, did you say you were looking for Pinkie Pie?" he asked.
"Oh, excuse my rambling," the unicorn said, blushing. "I'm Twilight Sparkle. Yes, I'm looking for Pinkie Pie. She's one of my best friends, and I'm almost 100% certain that she was transported to a place called Earth. I've come from Ponyville to help take her back home."
"Well Twilight," Jerry began, "you were right about this being Earth, man. Let's see. Uh, we're humans, but you can call me Jerry. Your friend Pinkie looks like she's with Harvey. They're right behind us. Oh, and we don't eat ponies, man."
Twilight sighed with relief. "Well, I must say it would have been rather awkward if I'd teleported into a carriage full of pony-eaters. Wait, did you say Pinkie's right behind us?" she gasped and turned around to look out the back window. Not far behind the Nova was another human riding on some kind of small, fast transportation device. Sitting in front of the human with her pink curls blowing behind her, and with a huge smile on her face, was Pinkie Pie. The pink pony waved at Twilight. "That's her! She's right behind us. Wow, I must have really nailed that teleportation spell," Twilight said with pride.
"Hey, look!" Pinkie shouted above the roar of the motorcycle. "That's my friend Twilight Sparkle. She's probably here to take me back to Ponyville!"
Harvey looked at the back window of the Nova. Sure enough, a grinning purple unicorn was there. She was waving a hoof at them excitedly. "How the hell did she get in there?" he mused.
"Probably just a plot convenience!" Pinkie grinned.
"What?" Harvey asked.
"Nothing! She's really good with magic. That explains everything, right?"
Harvey shook his head. "Whatever you say, man. What should we do?"
Pinkie thought for a moment. "We need to get the pizza guy to pull over so I can meet up with Twilight, and then she can send us home," she said. "Those meanies behind us are too close though. Twilight will need some time to power up her teleportation spell."
"Right, so what do we do?" Harvey repeated.
Pinkie's eyes narrowed. "We attack them head-on!"
"Hey!" Twilight shouted, alarmed.
"What is it?" Jerry asked.
Twilight was looking out the back window with concern. She turned back to Jerry. "That 'motorcycle' thing, as you call it, just turned around. It's taking Pinkie back the other way!"
"What? Hey, pizza guy! Turn us around, man!" Jerry demanded.
Stanley winced. The last thing he wanted was to head back towards those horrible bikers. Or that insane cop, for that matter.
"Hurry, please!" Twilight pleaded. Her eyes grew larger as she begged.
Stanley saw the look on Twilight's face through the rear-view mirror. He sighed, calmly counted backwards from ten, closed his eyes, and then hit the brakes. The mission wasn't over just yet.
Bad boys, bad boys, what'cha gonna do? What'cha gonna do when they come for you? Officer Brooklyn T. Kubiak thought to himself as the S.W.A.T. GURKHA MAPV Police Truck he was riding in sped down the highway. He was in pursuit of the worst possible filth that society could squeeze out of it's disgusting posterior. The officer adjusted his dark aviator glasses with a grin. A roadblock would be getting set up at that very moment, trapping his prey. There would be no escape this time.
Leo Oddum was feeling good. The three hundred seventy four pound member of the Vagos had been the one to find the boss. He was also currently leading in the hunt for the pizza guy and the boss's favorite bike, Jeanie. He was also rather tipsy. Or perhaps mind-numbingly drunk was closer to the truth. As a happy drunk, his first reaction upon seeing Jeanie turn around and head straight for him was to grin stupidly.
Hehe, what's this? What's this silly guy doing? Harvey's so silly, his simple mind managed to put together.
Leo's small, pig-like eyes squinted as Harvey's bike drew nearer. He was certain that he could see a pink pony, her hooves draped over the handlebars, sitting in front of the Hell's Angel. He thought the pony waved at him just moments before it leapt from Jeanie straight onto his face.
"Avenge me!" Leo cried as he lost control of his bike. Pinkie deftly hopped off of the large man's face and onto the highway moments before his motorcycle ran off the road and into a river. Luckily for Leo, his enormous frame protected him from injury.
Pinkie looked over to where Leo had crashed and smiled. "One down, a whole bunch more to go!" she giggled.
The blue Chevy Nova caught up to where she was just then, and parked on the side of the highway. Stanley Turner jumped out of the car and opened up the back door. A familiar purple unicorn jumped down from the back seat and onto the highway.
"Twilight!" Pinkie bounced over to her friend and scooped her up in a big hug. "I missed you so much!"
Stanley watched the two ponies with envy. He thought about how he could really, really use a hug right about now. The ponies are the only sane ones, he thought.
Jerry Burnside stuck his head out the passenger side window. "Pinkie! Where's Harvey?"
Harvey glanced in his side-mirror with some concern, but was relieved to see his former beard escape the crash unharmed. He sighed as he resigned himself to his fate. He would run as many Vagos off the road as possible in an effort to give Pinkie's friend time to cast some sort of teleportation spell so they could return home together. He wouldn't be there to see it, as he was likely going to be arrested in a few minutes. Oh well, he could always grow his beard back while in jail. Hell, he wouldn't have to worry about what to do about breakfast tomorrow, either.
Harvey Grimwold's face broke into a terrible grin as he topped a small hill and saw the headlights of the remaining Vagos bearing down on him.
Sorry Pinkie. It looks like we're gonna have to delay that party, he thought as he accelerated.
Harvey's deadly game of chicken began as Vagos members began to brake wildly and over-steer to evade Jeanie. Most of them simply pulled off to the side of the road to avoid him. A few lost control of their bikes and ended up in the river with Leo Oddum.
Harvey looked over his shoulder as he passed the last bike, and admired the devastation behind him. He began to think that he might somehow escape after all, and was just beginning to turn back to face the road when Officer Brooklyn T. Kubiak's patrol car bore down on him with Tony Loreno behind the wheel. Jeanie met the police car head-on with a sickening crunch, and the last thought that went through Harvey's mind as he flew over 100 feet through the air towards the grass at the edge of the highway wasn't about losing either his life or Jeanie. It was a hope that he had held them all off long enough for Pinkie to escape.
Bad boys, bad boys, Officer Kubiak was singing in his mind when he noticed his wrecked patrol car just ahead. "Stop!" he yelled.
The S.W.A.T. GURKHA MAPV Police Truck skidded to a halt, along with the rest of the small fleet of police vehicles. All headlights pointed towards the wrecked remains of Kubiak's police car, and the barely-recognizable remains of Jeanie. Kubiak and his driver exited their vehicle with guns drawn, and were soon joined by the other officers on the scene.
Slowly, the driver's side door of the patrol car opened up. Tony Loreno stumbled from the driver's seat and began to crawl towards the motionless body of Harvey Grimwold.
"Freeze!" shouted several of the assembled officers in unison.
Just then, a large number of Vagos arrived on the scene. Most of them were armed with some kind of firearm, a few of which were semi-automatic. The beginnings of a shoot-out appeared imminent as people on both sides of the stand-off looked nervously around. The police were better armed and protected, but this many armed suspects would likely result in police casualties. Everyone froze, waiting for someone else to make the first move.
"And just why are we heading back there?" Twilight asked, exasperated. She was once again in the back seat of the blue Chevy Nova, this time alongside Pinkie. Stanley Turner was at the wheel again. Jerry was still in the passenger seat.
"Harvey Grimwold is a big, bald, meanie who yells a lot, acts rude, and smells really bad. But don't you see, Twilight? The fact that he was willing to sacrifice himself goes to show that there's something good about him. He was more than just a temporary face to hang from," Pinkie said sadly. "He was a friend. I can't leave him to be taken off to jail or be beaten up by those other meanies back there!"
"Don't worry, Pinkie. Harvey's a tough guy," Jerry assured her. "He can take anything they dish out, and give it back two-fold!"
"Uh, guys? What do we do now?" Stanley said, pointing ahead at the mass of police and Vagos.
"Hit the breaks, man!" Jerry yelled.
"No, wait. I've got this!" Twilight said as her horn began to glow red.
"What?" Stanley said, hitting the breaks.
In a flash of red light, the blue Chevy Nova and all of its occupants disappeared. It then immediately reappeared right next to the wreckage of Jeanie and Officer Kubiak's patrol car.
"What the hell was that?" Stanley shrieked in terror.
"Oh, it was just a teleport spell, silly!" Pinkie giggled. "I don't think we ended up quite where you wanted us to be, huh Twilight?"
Twilight's eyelids lowered. "No, Pinkie. We are not where I wanted to take us."
"Hey... hey, man? I think we're surrounded," Jerry said, pointing out the window.
All around them, policemen and gang members had their guns trained directly on the Nova that had mysteriously appeared in the middle of the stand-off. Stanley began to shake and slid down in his seat, hugging himself tightly.
"So, what now?" Jerry asked.
"It's simple," Twilight Sparkle said. "We can solve this problem using the magic of friendship!"
"Or, you know, you could always use that amazing horn of yours to disarm all those meanies outside!" Pinkie chipped in helpfully.
Twilight frowned. "Fine!"
Officer Brooklyn T. Kubiak had just about had enough of this nonsense. That filthy user of a pizza boy had warped his mind with those foul narcotics, and now he was seeing teleporting vehicles. Well, this was going to end right here and right now! He had just begun to advance upon the vehicle when an enormous red, flashing light appeared from within. Suddenly, every weapon in the area simply disappeared, including Officer Kubiak's gun for the second time that night.
Criminal scum! he thought furiously. Armed or not, I will arrest them all!
As the other officers and gang members all looked at one another in confusion, Officer Kubiak continued to advance upon the Chevy Nova. He had nearly arrived when the back door opened and two little ponies jumped down to the road.
The officer's eye twitched as he barked, "You little ponies, stop in the name of the law!"
Pinkie tried to talk to him. "Hey there, I'm Pinkie Pie. We're just here to get my friend Harvey, and then we can be out of your hair," she giggled. "Actually, I just got out of Harvey's hair not too long ago. Or his beard, anyway!"
Kubiak ignored her and raised his swift and terrible fist of justice. The sound of a door opening could be heard as Kubiak yelled, "Prepare to be introduced to an all new realm of pain!"
The officer had just been prepared to punch Pinkie Pie in the face when his jaw was rocked by a solid blow. His eyes rolled to the back of his head as he fell unconscious to the road.
"You... you stay the hell away from them!" Stanley Turner screamed. Suddenly all eyes turned to the hapless pizza boy. "I... I'm sick of your shit! All of you are crazy! Why is everyone trying to kill each other? Answer me!"
Confused looks appeared amongst the crowd of officers and gang members. Who was this kid? Even Twilight and Pinkie exchanged concerned looks.
"Well? None of you can answer me, can you? Can you? Do even know why we're out here, huh? It's because of this asshole!" Stanley said, pointing an accusing finger at Tony Loreno, who shrunk under the sudden attention. "That's right. While this lunatic was trying to hump a motorcycle, I was trying to deliver his pizzas! Do you know where he told me to put them? In my ass! My ass, people. How is that even possible? Answer me!"
"Uh, hey, man. You okay?" Jerry called from within the Nova.
"No! I am not okay. I have had more guns pointed at me tonight than should even exist in one place! Over what?" Stanley fumed as he reached into his car and withdrew ten pizzas, still in their warming bag. "This! Pizza!" He stalked over to the Vagos, causing a few to take a step back. "You want your pizzas? Next time don't pull a freaking knife on the pizza guy!" The angry pizza boy began to swing the bag around, gaining velocity. "Here, have them!" he screamed and released the bag, causing it to sail into the crowd of Vagos.
Ricky and Gabriel, who had somehow managed to avoid ending up in the river, looked at each other nervously. They then bent down and removed a pizza from the warming bag. They opened the box and took a slice each.
"Hey, it's still kind of hot!" Ricky cried.
A few nervous cheers arose from the gang members as a few more decided to grab some pizza. The others couldn't take their eyes off of the pizza guy.
Stanley stormed over to the assembled police officers. "And you! All of you were brought here by who? This idiot right here!" he yelled, pointing to Officer Kubiak's unconscious form lying in the road. "How can you even allow such a moron to represent you on the police force? Do you see what I'm covered in? Do you see this? It's cake and flour. Flour, you idiot!" he said in Kubiak's general direction. Several of the officers shifted nervously. "This man nearly broke my jaw, and I didn't even try to resist arrest! If anyone needs to be arrested, it's him! Now, you can go ahead and arrest me for verbally assaulting a group of officers, or whatever you want to charge me with. You can arrest this jerk for pulling a knife on a pizza guy," Stanley indicated Tony, who shrunk back once more. "But these ponies here, they're the only ones here who have acted with a shred of decency! They're the only normal ones here, and I'm not even sure if they're real or not. I do know one thing. Arrest me, arrest the gang members, whatever. But if any of you lays a single finger on either of these ponies, I will end you!"
Stanley's heated gaze swept the entire assembled crowd. Every set of eyes he looked into quickly found something else to look at. Nervous feet shuffled now and then. Twilight's and Pinkie's faces were both red with embarrassment.
"So what, I'm not getting shot, arrested, or beat up now? If that's the case, then tell us where Mr. Grimwold is, and then please get out of our way. We're going home!" Stanley demanded.
A soft chuckle rose from Tony Loreno. "Hey pizza boy, your friend's over there," he pointed to where Harvey lay. "You guys might be going home, but I think Harvey might be destined for a casket."
"What?" Jerry yelled from inside the Nova.
Stanley, Pinkie, and Twilight all ran over to where Harvey had landed. Nobody else moved for fear of bringing on the wrath of the pizza guy, or perhaps charges of false arrest in the case of the gathered officers. Harvey lay unmoving on the grass.
"Oh my gosh," Pinkie gasped.
Stanley pressed his ear to Harvey's chest. After several moments, he pulled away and sadly shook his head.
"No!" Pinkie cried in despair. "You can't be dead, Harvey! You were too big and mean and tough!" She hung her head as tears rolled down her snout to the ground below.
"Ha! I got him, huh? Good riddance!" Tony called from where he lay. "He made me destroy my precious Jeanie, and... hey! Hey, let go of me!"
"You're under arrest for vehicular homicide," Officer Brooklyn T. Kubiak said, clasping handcuffs on Tony's wrists. "I think we all just heard a confession, right boys?"
The assembled officers nodded. The driver of the S.W.A.T. GURKHA MAPV Police Truck came forward from the crowd and headed towards Tony and Kubiak.
"Looks like we did manage to get a piece of criminal scum off the streets," Kubiak said. "Hey, what are you doing?"
The other officer pushed Kubiak up against the wrecked patrol car. "Officer Kubiak, I'm taking you in for questioning regarding the circumstances that led to this homicide. Please don't resist."
"What? You can't arrest me. I represent the law. I am the law!" Kubiak screamed as he and Tony were dragged towards one of the police vans.
Stanley ignored the outbursts. He was busy watching the ponies hug each other for comfort. They had been that way ever since he gave them the news about Mr. Grimwold.
Pinkie's eyes suddenly grew wide. "Twilight, I have an idea," she said in a serious tone.
Twilight let go of her friend. "What do you have in mind, Pinkie?"
"Do you think you can copy Trixie's spell exactly?"
"I'm not sure. I could try, but why?" Twilight asked.
Pinkie stood up, a look of fierce determination on her face. "When I was attached to Harvey's face, it was as if we both shared the same personality sometimes. I found myself saying and doing the meanest things!"
"You were attached to his face? Wait, is that what you meant when you said..." Twilight began.
Pinkie interrupted her. "This is serious Twilight! I think if you can cast Trixie's spell exactly the way she did, you can get me back onto Harvey's face. Since we'll share one body technically, I think my own life force can help boost his back into working!"
"Wait, Pinkie. If what you say is true, then his lack of a life force might end up killing you, too!" Twilight said, worried.
"He sacrificed himself to help a friend. I'm not afraid to do the same. Besides, there's only one way to find out what will happen!" Pinkie stated.
Twilight had been about to try to talk her out of it, but stopped and nodded her head gently. She looked at Pinkie. "Are you ready?"
"As I'll ever be," Pinkie replied.
Twilight closed her eyes as her horn began to glow red once more. The red glow lit up the night sky around the gathered crowd of onlookers. A moment later, a thin, red beam shot from the purple unicorn's horn and struck Pinkie.
"She's here!" Stanley called from beside Harvey. Twilight trotted over and was amazed to find a long, pink beard growing from Harvey's face. Nestled within the hairs was a miniaturized Pinkie.
"By Celestia, is this what happened to you when you first arrived here?" Twilight asked.
Pinkie the Beard nodded weakly. She looked tired, and worn out. She hoped her life force was enough to support them both. "How's it looking?" she whispered.
Stanley put his ear back to Harvey's chest. A small crowd of officers and Vagos had gathered closer to see what was happening, and an officer had helped Jerry out of the Nova finally.
"How is he, man? Oh tell me he's gonna be all okay!" Jerry called out.
"Oh, please hurry," Twilight said nervously. "Pinkie can't last much longer like this."
"Hey, I think I heard a heartbeat!" Stanley said. "Quiet now, just give me a moment... yes! There's another one. It's weak, but it's there!"
Shocked gasps arose from ponies, friends, policemen, and gang members alike. Even Tony Loreno had been secretly hoping for Harvey to live from his seat inside the police van, though for entirely different reasons than most of those gathered.
Slowly, Harvey Grimwold opened his eyes. The first thing he saw was his beard that had crawled onto his face and was looking at him with glistening eyes and a wide smile.
"Oh Harvey!" Pinkie said happily and hugged his nose. "I'm so glad it worked!"
"Harvey, man! Welcome back. Wait, you're not like one of them there zombies now, are you?" Jerry asked nervously.
"Pinkie, you came back for me. You're my beard again, too! What happened?" Harvey asked groggily.
"Oh Harvey, when you were ready to sacrifice yourself for me, I knew there was more to you than you let on. You were, are, my friend. I couldn't let anything bad happen to you! I had Twilight here reattach me to your face so that we could share my life force and you'd come back. It worked, isn't that the greatest thing ever?" Pinkie said excitedly.
"Pinkie, I think you're the greatest thing ever." Harvey grinned at her.
"So what happens now, man?" Jerry asked. "Are you going to be Harvey's beard forever?"
Twilight Sparkle had an answer ready. "Well, judging by how quickly these two are recovering, I would say that Harvey's own life force has started back up now. He no longer needs Pinkie to remain attached now. If he wants another beard, I can always grow a new one for him," she beamed.
Stanley Turner sat down and watched the friends as they removed Pinkie from Harvey's face, and grew a new beard that was identical to the original beard Harvey had. The assembled police officers and gang members were starting to disperse. An officer explained that Tony Loreno and Officer Kubiak were in custody, and would be the only arrests made that night. Nobody wanted to try to explain to the chief how two talking ponies had appeared from a teleporting car. Stanley hugged his knees and thought about all that had happened tonight. He still had to return the Nova to Gongo's Pizza. Unnoticed by everyone else, Stanley Turner began to cry.
"Well, I think that wraps everything up," Twilight Sparkle said. "So are you going to take Jerry to the hospital?" she asked Harvey.
"No, man. He can just crash at my place for a while. I think we all just want to go home right now, it's been a rough night." Harvey said. He looked over at Pinkie. "Pinkie, you really have been a good friend. I think I learned something about friendship, too. I'm not quite sure what it was, but I do know that you're pretty cool. I hope you get to have that party you wanted when you get back to Ponyville," he said.
Pinkie bounced over to Harvey and gave him a big hug. "I learned something too! Even the biggest meanies can become your friends if you try hard enough!" She bounced over to Jerry and hugged him as well. "You were nice anyway, Jerry. But you're also very loyal. You stick with Harvey and keep him out of trouble for me, okay?"
Jerry nodded. He looked over to Harvey. "It really sucks about Jeanie, man. I guess you can claim it on insurance, but she's pretty much irreplaceable."
Harvey shook his head. "No man, she can't be replaced. I wouldn't feel right riding anything else. I just might give up riding for a while."
"Hey, whatever you want to do, I'll support you, man," Jerry said.
The two bikers make their final farewells, then Harvey helped Jerry over to one of the patrol cars where an officer would give them a ride back to Harvey's place.
"Well they certainly seemed, interesting," Twilight said to Pinkie.
"Oh they were! This place has so many wonderful things you need to try, like vodka!" Pinkie grinned.
"Do I even want to know?" Twilight sighed. "Anyway, let's get back home. The girls were worried about you."
Pinkie nodded and watched as Twilight began to concentrate. Her horn began to glow a faint red that slowly grew in brilliance.
"Oh wait!" Pinkie gasped. She hopped over to Stanley and gave the poor, tortured pizza boy a well-deserved hug.
"Pinkie, I can't wait!" Twilight said as her horn flashed one final bright pulse of red. A moment later, Twilight, Pinkie, and Stanley had disappeared.
The End