//------------------------------//
// Name Tag 
// Story: Rainbow Burger 
// by KelGrym 
//------------------------------//


Rainbow Burger
By Kel Grym


This was not the same world it once was. There once was something called the Everfree forest. It was a dangerous place no pony would ever step hoof into. Now, it was a large lovely park gridlocked in pavement.

Pinkamena stood on the sidewalk in her uniform looking out at the park. She wore a cyan one piece uniform that had a hoof thick rainbow stripe running down her front and back, over her right shoulder. As a pony employee, not only did she have Rainbow Burger's logo stamped on the front of her uniform, but also stamped on the sides of her thighs, where her cutie marks should be. It was disgraceful to her, but at the moment she was too engrossed in the drama taking place in the park.

A small section of the park was barricaded off from the rest of the world by barbwire fence, upturned picnic tables and sharpened re-bar stuck out in an angle around the perimeter in various places. Within the fortifications, a butterscotch pegasus made her final stand against the city. Several large signs stood out that said things like: “Save the trees!” or “Down with Alien Industrialism!” If Pinkamena could remember correctly, part of the park was going to be razed by the city to make space for more businesses. Police vehicles were stationed all around the park and fortified area.

“Fluttershy,” the pony police officer said through his megaphone, “This is your last chance. Release the hostages and come along quietly. We don’t want anyone to get hu..” The officer’s speech was cut off, as a blast thundered from somewhere in the barricaded area of the park. The microphone exploded in the officer’s hoof and the bystanders that were watching fled in terror, save for Pinkamena.

From the barricaded area a loud voice said, “I’m not releasing any of the hostages until the city shreds their order to butcher these trees! Some of these trees are the oldest in Equestria and I’m not going to stand by and let the city kill them! They’re homes to hundreds of innocent animals that have as much a right to live as anypony or anyone else!”

Eco-terrorists, Pinkamena thought to herself.

The officer who had the megaphone blasted apart in his hoof had already ducked behind his vehicle and was on the radio. “Shots fired! Shots fired! We need a swat team here, yesterday!”

Pinkamena watched the rest of the scene play out in amusement. She had the wiggling notion she might be late for work, but things ended quickly. A few shots were fired, the swat team arrived, helicopters came and spotlighted the area. One of the helicopters was downed by a bazooka. Ponies and people screamed.

Eventually, the swat team stormed in and subdued the pegasus. One of the swat team members was mauled by a bear that was shot four times in the head and thirty four times in the body in retribution. The swat team found no hostages. Only a couple of life like mannequins tied to a tree with sad faces drawn on the featureless heads in magic marker.

“You bastards! Why?! You killed Harry!” the cuffed pegasus screamed through tear filled eyes as a swat officer shoved her into the back of the police van.

“Quiet, you! Officer Combs was just a rookie! You’re gonna get the book thrown at you now!” The swat officer said as he closed and locked the back of the van.

Now that it was all over, Pinkamena picked up her book satchel and started to make her way to work.

Just another day in Ponyville

Back in the old days, everything use to be in walking distance, but now there was a highway that cut across town right by her home. Big business boomed, small business shrunk and everything started to spread out more. The Everfree forest was already halfway gone before her time, and now it was just a collection of parks. She hated it. She didn’t hate it enough to pull a one pony stand like the idiot in the park did, but hated it nonetheless.

She once heard an old timer say that back in the day a pony could walk from the edge of the Everfree to the center of Ponyville in just thirty minutes. Because of all the new buildings, and having to stop at crosswalks, it took nearly an hour to get there. Pinkamena hated not having a car, but then again no one in Ponyville knew how to drive anyways.

As she approached she could see the rainbow arched sign that stood out in front of the restaurant. The logo stood out triumphantly over the parking lot. Pinkamena sneered at it.

Rainbow Burger had been in business for half a decade now and its franchise had already spread like wildfire across Equestria. Protein enhanced soy burgers were all the rage amongst ponies and vegetarian human’s alike. It was one of the few fast food chains that drew in both demographics equally. Pony and human alike could both sit down and enjoy a Cloudsdale special and dance around the awkwardness of omnivore/herbivore dietary taboos in peace. Harmony and smiles for everyone.

Unless you work there.

She found herself in front of the restaurant entrance. She just stared at the doors. She didn’t want to go through those doors. Those were the gates of Tarturus. Nothing good was ever behind them. She could just quit and walk away. Who needed this job? She never got any good hours, the boss was an egotistical pain, the assistant manager was a slut, her co-workers were idiots, the pay was negligible, and the food stunk.

She sighed in defeat. She needed this job.

I think I’d rather be roadkill. At least employee meals are free.

She placed her Rainbow Burger cap on her head and walked in. She was soon assaulted with her first cringe worthy experience of the day.

“Pinkamena Diane Pie, you’re late!” Sombra Darkheart yelled at her from over the counter.

Pinkamena could light a fire with the friction her grinding teeth were making. She turned to look at her boss. He wore a similar uniform with black slacks, except his shirt was white. He didn’t deserve that uniform. He was an idiot that was good with numbers and that was about it. Even the managers at Equestrian Fried Griffon worked their asses off alongside their workers, but not Sombra. He was the kind of manager that liked to count his money all day while his girlfriend sucked him off in his office.

“Didn’t I tell you not to call me by my full name, Sombra Dwayne Darkheart?” Pinkie replied with a smirk.

Sombra’s eye twitched. “That’s, Mr. Darkheart to you!” He looked around to see if anyone was listening. “How did you know my middle name?”

Pinkamena gave Sombra a deadpanned look.

“I know everything.” she said.

She watched in hidden amusement as Sombra’s eyes lit up in panic.

“E-e-everything?”

She walked around the counter to the terminal to clock in. She looked at the corner of the screen to the date and time. It was 6:01pm. She was just a single minute late. Turning towards Sombra she could see he was actually sweating a little bit.

“Relax, dummy. I’m just kidding. Guilty conscious, much?”

Sombra quickly composed himself and furrowed his brow at her. “That’s not funny.”

“You looked ready to piss your pants. That’s pretty funny if you ask me.”

His eyes narrowed at her. If he wasn’t so understaffed at this point and time he’d just fire her. As much as he hated Pinkamena, she was actually good at her job. He dealt with the sarcasm and snide remarks just so long as she worked.

“Just put your headset on. We need you at the window.”

Pinkamena cringed again. She hated working at the window. “Why do I gotta work the window again? I did that three days in a row! Can’t I work the grill or the damn oven for once?”

“Well I would, but Caramel quit to work on a farm or something and Bon Bon’s new so she needs to practice with the oven. Besides, you’re the best window person we got.”

Pinkamena cursed inwardly. Caramel went to work on a farm? Good for him. At least she didn’t have to deal with the little blighter hitting on her anymore. She wondered which farm he went to. Sweet Apple Acres has been closed down ever since the new roads opened up and evilweevils started to infest all the apple crops across Equestria.

“Fine, whatever,” She said as she went to her work area behind the drink station. After she grabbed her headset off the wall, she paused when she saw who was working the window. She cringed again. She hated the inept tool in front of her most of all. She represented everything that Pinkamena stood against. Incompetency, low standards, using her body to secure a position she had no right to. It made Pinkamena sick.

Don’t piss me off. Don’t piss me off. Don’t piss me off.

Pinkamena walked past her to hang her book satchel on one of the hangers on the wall.

Chrysalis Shift, the assistant manager, turned and saw Pinkamena. Pinkamena turned and met her eyes. Chrysalis stared lazily at Pinkamena for a moment then said, “Oh…it’s you.”

Bitch.

“Yeah. It’s me.”

The bug thought she was better than her.

Chrysalis glanced over Pinkamena from head to hoof and said, “You’re late.”

“You’re ugly.”

Chrysalis sneered at her and replied, “Says the filly with split ends and stains all over her uniform.”

“Maybe I’d have a cleaner uniform if you supplied me with a new one, like I asked for.”

“We already gave you a uniform.”

“Two years ago, when I started working here.”

“You could wash it.”

“The stains run deep like the ones on your bed.”

Chrysalis fumed, “Why you little…”

“Car,” Pinkamena said, cutting Chrysalis off in mid sentence.

Chrysalis heard the beep in her headset go off, indicating a customer just drove up to order. It creeped her out how Pinkamena was able to do that. The camera out in the drive-thru had been broken for months, but somehow she always knew.

“Step aside and let me do my job,” Pinkamena said as she stepped towards the intercom.

Taking a deep breath she counted to three in her head and pressed the button on the intercom that allowed her to talk to the customer. When she spoke, what came out of her mouth was the equivalent to audible sunshine mixed with a child’s happiness and a dash of breezy shit. She let out the sweetest giggle before she did it too.

“Hello, thank you so much for choosing Rainbow Burger, Equestria’s number one family friendly, fast food, soy burger restaurant! How can I make you smile today? Would you be interested in one of our combo deals?” Pinkamena said in a cheery high pitched voice that grated against Chrysalis’s skull.

There was a pause on the other end. Finally, after a few seconds, an older lady’s voice crackled on their headsets, “Um…just give me a minute.”

“No problem ma'am, just take your time and let me know whenever you’re ready to order.” Pinkamena replied on the intercom.

She turned her head to Chrysalis and said, “Human.”

Chrysalis beheld the transformation each time in repressed awe. She pondered to herself not for the first time if Pinkamena was really a changeling. It was just another thing that deeply bothered her about the employee. Something wasn’t right about her.

She wished to herself that when the car came around that it was a pony just so she could smear it in Pinkamena’s face, but deep down inside she knew what the outcome was going to be. She learned to stop making bets with Big Mac a long time ago over Pinkamena’s uncanny foresight.

The voice crackled in their headsets again, “I think I made up my mind…I’d like a number one, mustard, easy on the onions, no tomatoes…um. Extra pickles please.”

Pinkamena responded, “Okie Dokey Lokie, so that’ll be a number one, mustard, light on the onions, no tomatoes and extra pickles. Would you like cheese with that, ma'am?”

There was another pause on the line, “…yes.”

“Super smiley, Alrighty! What would you like to drink?”

“Just Colta-Cola.”

“Ooh. I’m really really sorry about that ma'am, but we don’t serve Colta-Cola here, could I interest you in Dr. Pampa?”

There was a disgruntled sigh, “Sure.”

“That’s great! So I got a number one, mustard, with cheese, light onions, no tomatoes, extra pickles and a Dr.Pampa. Would you like a cupcake with that?”

“…no.”

Pinkamena released the intercom button and turned to Chrysalis saying, “Told you. Humans almost never want cupcakes with their burgers."

“Okay then, that’ll be a grand total of 4 bits and 84 bittybits. Please pull up to the window and thank you for choosing Rainbow Burger.” she said to the intercom as she finalized the order on her terminal.

Pinkamena smiled smugly at Chrysalis, “That’s what you call being professional Chrysie.”

Chrysalis just stood there and stared at Pinkamena’s cyan uniform in contempt. Pinkamena raised an eyebrow.

“What?”

Chrysalis pointed to her shirt.

“Name tag.”

Pinkamena looked down at her stained cyan uniform. She was indeed missing her name tag.

Buck.

“So what? It’s not like anyone gives a shit.”

“It’s company policy.”

“Just like it's company policy to suck the boss’s di-“

“Just go in the office and get a new name tag!” Chrysalis yelled. “I’ll handle the customer until you get back.”

“Whatever,” Pinkamena said as she stalked off towards Sombra’s office, “I’ll be back soon. Try not to mess up.”

As she left, Chrysalis clenched her jaw tight while imagining popping that mare’s head between her hooves. She would too, if it wasn’t that –

The car finally pulled up to the window. Chrysalis looked out to see the customer. It was an older human lady. Chrysalis gulped. She would love to crush the mare’s head between her hooves if it wasn’t for the fact she scared her so much. Sometimes humans did order cupcakes. Sometimes ponies didn’t. It never mattered. Pinkamena always knew somehow.





*Knock, Knock!*

“Come in,” Sombra said as he reclined in his chair.

The door opened and Pinkamena walked into the office.

Sombra turned and saw who it was and said, “Oh…it’s you.”

Pinkamena resisted the urge to punch him. “I need a name tag.”

Sombra stared at the Mare and said, “Five bits.”

Pinkamena rolled her eyes, “Ha ha, that’s very funny.”

“I’m serious.”

“No your not.”

“Yes I am.”

“Human shit.”

Her boss sighed. “Well I guess you won’t be getting a name tag then…and since you can’t work without a name tag I guess that means you're going home. Pity. You were one of my best employees.”

It started to sink in that Sombra was actually being serious with her.

“You’ve got to be kidding me. You’re seriously trying to hustle me for a name tag? What the bucking fuck!?” She yelled in outrage.

“Language, Ms. Pie.”

“No! It’s a piece of plastic, why in Celestia’s name are you charging me 5 bits for a piece of plastic? That’s more than what we charge for our cheapest combo meal!”

Sombra slowly shook his head making a ‘tsk tsk’ sound. “Pinkie, pinkie, pinkie. It’s not just a piece of plastic. It’s more than that.”

Pinkamena’s eye twitched. “Don’t call me that.”

“Call you what? Pinkie?”

“Yes, that.”

“Oh, but why not? It rolls off the tongue so much better than Pinkamena Diane Pie.”

She was beginning to lose patience. “Don’t call me that either. It’s Pinkamena. Just Pinkamena, or Ms.Pie, and never Pinkie, or Pinkie Pie, or my full name. Why is that so hard to understand?”

Sombra rolled his eyes and said, “Okay, okay. Sheesh. I don’t know what the big deal is.”

“It’s called professional workplace etiquette.”

“Hmm…”

“What?”

“Speaking of professionalism…”

“Yeah?”

“It seems you're missing a name tag.”

Sombra was smirking. Pinkie was on the verge of aneurysm. She needed to calm down before she hit him.

Just breathe in…and out.

“Like I was saying before you so rudely interrupted me,” Sombra began.

No thoughts formed in Pinkamena’s head. There was only an angry white noise. It lasted a good minute. Pinkamena saw Sombra’s lips move, but she didn’t hear anything that he said. As the angry white noise began to subside she started to make out the tail end of Sombra’s grand monologue.

“...-tag is a symbol, neigh, a badge of honor that must be worn at all times. So you see it’s more than just a piece of plastic. It’s a piece of plastic with a name on it. Your name…and names are important. I’ve had to replace three of your name tags this month. Three! I’m shocked, really, that you are irresponsible enough to lose your name, let alone you don’t think it’s worth a measly five bits.”

Pinkamena stared at Sombra and tried to piece together some semblance of logic from the manure he spouted. She failed.

“Whatever, just give me a tag and take it out of my check."





Pinkamena walked back to the window with her new name tag on. She couldn’t believe she agreed to that. She supposed anything was better than listening to Sombra prattle on a single moment longer about the integral importance name tags had to running a business where the majority of customers didn’t even care. She’d prefer to work in complete anonymity. The customers that bothered her the most were the ones that looked down to see what her name was and then proceeded to use it as if they’d been her friend for years. She knew she was just a faceless drone to them, so why even bother? It just felt patronizing.

Pinkamena smirked as she approached the window. It looked like Chrysalis was having trouble with the terminal.

“You said you wanted a number three, no lettuce, bun’s toasted on both side…” Chrysalis said as she struggled with the terminal screen. Pinkamena peered over her shoulder and saw what she done wrong. She began to snicker behind Chrysalis back. The Changeling noticed her and glowered.

“Need some help there?”

Chrysalis turned away from the intercom, “No, leave me alone.”

“Excuse me?” the voice crackled on their headset. Chrysalis forgot to release the intercom button.

“Oh, no I’m sorry I didn’t mean you.” Chrysalis quickly apologized. Mild panic began to set in. That damn mare broke her concentration and now she forgot what she was doing.

“You need to cancel the order and start again,” Pinkamena stated.

“I know that.”

“Then why aren’t you doing it?”

“I’m getting to it,” Chrysalis said with a snarl, “I just forgot where the button was.”

Pinkamena interjected again, “Do you even remember what their order was?”

“What? Of course I do”

Chrysalis began to sweat. She knew what the order was. Mostly. She began to reach for the intercom button when Pinkamena suddenly stopped her.

“It’s a number three, no lettuce, no tomato, buns toasted on both sides with a slice of Moonteri Jill cheese,” Pinkamena said as she began to take over the terminal station, “They want a Paso Fino to drink…also you forgot to ask them if they wanted a cupcake.”

Chrysalis’s jaw dropped, “Are you psychic?”

Pinkamena waited before she answered Chrysalis so she could finish up the customer’s order. After she was done she gave Chrysalis a deadpan look. She pointed to the gear on her head and said, “Headset, ears, memory. Learn how to use them…also, Pony.”

As soon as she said it the customer’s car came into view in the window. The window rolled down to reveal a lime green stallion wearing shades. How in Tartarus was the mare doing this!

Pinkamena threw Chrysalis a knowing smirk before she turned to the window with the customers drink already in hoof. Chrysalis watched as she prepared the customers change and handed him the bag of food Lyra hoofed over to her.

“Here you go, and thank you for choosing Rainbow Burger, have a super terrific day!” Pinkamena said in that awful over the top cheery voice.

Chrysalis hated her!

“You know, that customer that came by before you went to Sombra’s office was a pony,” Chrysalis said.

Pinkie arched an eyebrow. “You know, I can always tell when you’re lying.”

Chrysalis scoffed. She was a changeling, master of lies and deceit. “I’m not lying. It was a pony. You’re not as omniscient as you think.”

“I never said I was omniscient,” Pinkamena said, “but you are lying…You have a tell.”

Chrysalis was flabbergasted. A tell? What tell?

“Yes, you have a tell…and I’m not telling you what it is.”

She began to panic on the inside. Was she reading her mind?

“No I’m not reading your mind. I’m reading your tell.”

“Gah! Stop that!”

“Fine, I will. Just get out of my work station. You’re stinking up the place.”

Chrysalis gave up. She couldn’t stand to be around the mare any longer. “You know I have better things to do than stand around and trade barbs with you.”

“Then go do them.”

“I will!” Chrysalis said as she began to walk off.

Pinkamena smirked at her small victory. She was just about to go to the drink fountain and grab something to sip, when Chrysalis called out over her shoulder, “See you later Pinkie Pie!”

She spun around and yelled back, “My names not Pinkie you bucking overgrown bug!”

“That’s not what your name tag says!” Chrysalis yelled back.

What?

Pinkamena looked down at her name tag for the first time. It said Pinky Pie.

“Urgh! That son of a bitch!“