A Dream

by totallynotabrony


Filli Vanilli

Making long range plans can sometimes be difficult. You don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. Then again, with Doctor Whooves, a.k.a Princess Luna’s Secret Agent “Moment,” that issue was not so serious.
There was the problem of Doc’s traveling companion. The other guy was a yellow unicorn named Nova with a four-colored mane that represented the four chemical bases of DNA. There was a fancy multifunction electronic device around one forleg. He was from the future, and formerly a human from some star colony. He was also thoroughly a dick.
Nova, Guinness, and I had once invaded Hell for some reason that’s not really important now. Sir Win and Cthulhu’s girlfriend were involved. Long story. Coincidentally, the portal to Hell was downstairs in the library basement, but we try not to talk about that.
Anyway, Nova had left Equestria by hitching a ride with Doc. Now, the dickish unicorn was back here in my universe now and that gave me significant advantage over him and his future brain. You can be an atheist, but the God you don’t believe in is the one that will get you.
I should clarify that references to “my” universe and godhood should be taken with a grain of salt. It’s me we’re taking about, after all.
So the three of us were sitting in the library discussing a few contingencies. Sunset had served tea and the Doctor seemed to like it. My cup was mostly filled with tequila, but I suppose it wasn’t bad tea.
Nova did not seem to like the tea. “Don’t any of you know the benefits of quality synthetic brew?”
I shrugged. “Suck it up, this is a backwards, backwater pony planet.”
“He’s right,” said the Doctor, agreeing with me.
Nova grumbled. Doc and I went back to planning.
The Doctor had shown up with plenty of time to spare before The Event. Said Event was going to happen and would be bad, but having help to plan for it was nice. I was keeping Luna mostly in the dark about it, but she had agreed to contact Moment to help me.
The codenames of her agents seemed to have a little bit to do with the pony the represented. Doc was “Moment.” I was “Alien.” There were a few others, too.
The planning went pretty well through the morning. As lunchtime neared, the issue of my debt to Weird Al came up.
“Prostitutes?” said the Doctor. “How many? When does he expect delivery?”
“Soon. It’s not like I don’t want to pay up, but there are some issues.”
“Like what?” he asked.
“It’s with the dimensional transit,” I said.
Doc frowned. “I can understand a problem getting back to this universe after you locked out the admin accounts and tightened security.”
“No, it’s not that.” I sighed. “I’ve kind of got some problems back home.”
“I see.” The Doctor paused, pondering how to proceed. “Is this about your exes?”
“Partially. Plus the mafia and the police. I kind did some stuff, hung out with the wrong people, skipped out on a hospital bill. The point is, they’ll be waiting for me when I go back.”
“Is that it?”
I hesitated. “Well…I guess I’ll be honest. My deal in Equestria is a hell of a lot better than it was back on Earth. Trixie is here. I’ve got more money here. And I’d hate to go to all this trouble of fixing the place and not get any benefit from it.”
“I suppose that’s a good reason why you haven’t visited recently,” Doc observed. “Are you considering formal immigration like Guinness? Permanently leave Earth behind?”
Before I replied, I drained my tequila cup. I looked into the bottom to make sure I had gotten it all. I put the cup down on the table.
The door burst open and Pinkie appeared. “Hey everypony! We’re going to Fluttershy’s to help her get ready for the Ponyville Pet Center fundraiser!”
I got up. “I’m coming.”
I left Doc and Nova behind and went outside to join the group of mares heading to Fluttershy’s cottage. Twilight had come in from Canterlot and Rarity was finally finished with her stuff in Manehattan. It had actually been a little while since I’d seen the whole group of them together.
“I’m so behind in all my work,” Rarity complained. “I did get a lot done in Manehattan, despite the city still recovering from the seapony attack.”
“Speaking of mysterious things from the ocean,” said Twilight, “I’m still working on finding out more about Tiny Vamp Atoll, Valiant.”
“Good luck with that,” I told her. I doubted very much that she was going to find anything. That keytar was going to just stay in my closet and be mysterious.
The group of us talked a little more on the way. When we arrived at the cottage, Fluttershy was outside her house and singing to her animals. She still looked a wreck, with burn scars still visible, but if she was up and moving I figured she was feeling okay.
“Wow! You were singing in the most beautiful voice ever!” Pinkie exclaimed.
I didn’t pay attention to Fluttershy’s reaction, as I was too busy staring at her pet jackalope. I’d never seen a bunny with antlers before. It was the kind of thing that I thought I would have at least heard of before.
I came back to the conversation at about the point where everyone was trying to convince Fluttershy to join the quartet.
“Wait,” I said, “since when have we had a quartet?”
Rarity rolled her eyes. “Well, it was actually your idea. You suggested it back when Fluttershy was afflicted with Poison Joke.”
“Oh yeah.”
Rarity turned back to Fluttershy. “The Ponytones would love to have you sing with us. It would be great to support the pet center.”
Fluttershy tried to hide behind her mane but after the burns it was still too short. “I love the Ponytones, I'm one of their biggest fans, but I do not want to perform with them. I have stage fright.”
“No. Goddamn. Shit.”
“Quiet, Valiant!” Rarity turned back to Fluttershy. “Well, I think it's a terrible waste of an exquisite talent, but I understand that you're not comfortable.”
We went back to town. Rarity, Big Macintosh, and two other ponies named Torch Song and Toe-Tapper got their group together and did some practice.
I went back to the library. Doc had gone off to do something else, but Nova was there. It looked like he was attempting to seduce Sunset.
“Were you attempting to seduce Sunset?” I asked.
“Why is she choking me?” he wheezed.
I shrugged. “She is pretty good at it, though.”
Sunset gave me a brief smile.
Doc walked in. “There you are, Nova. Before we leave again, I’d like you to look at something. Stop cavorting with the locals for a moment.”
Sunset let him go and Nova hurried out the door. He was a scientist type from the future, so the Doctor probably had something high tech for him to work on.
I was bored and decided to go over to the pub. Leaving Sunset, I went out the door and down the street.
Arriving at The Half Pint, I walked in to overhear Guinness telling two ponies that they should have a drink together. I waited for him to come back down the bar to get me a beer.
Nova came in the door just then. Guinness saw him and paused for a moment. He turned to Squibles, his griffon business partner. “Spot me for a few minutes.”
Guinness got three mugs and gestured for Nova and I to join him at a table in the back. We all sat down. Guinness lifted his glass. “Gents.”
I picked mine up and so did Nova. The three mugs met with a clink. Despite the fact that none of us considered the others friends, you don’t turn down a toast, especially when a meeting between three humans happened so rarely in Equestria.
A few seconds passed as we all took our first sips. Guinness put down his beer and asked, “So what are you doing here, Nova? I don’t remember hearing that you were coming back.”
“Valiant asked Doctor Whooves to come back,” Nova said. “Something about a secret mission. I just want to leave again. There’s so much of the multiverse I haven’t seen yet. So many experiments to conduct on advanced civilizations.”
“I like it here,” Guinness said. “That’s why I stayed.”
“I cannot understand why Valiant is still here.” Nova shot me a look. “I thought you hated Equestria.”
“I do.” I took a long sip of my beer, thinking of how to reply. In the end, I just repeated, “I do.”
“So why are you still here?” Guinness asked.
“I might make a trip back to Earth soon,” I allowed. “For business.”
“Not to stay?” Nova pressed.
“I might do that eventually,” I defended. “I have a lot of things to take care of before I can, though.”
I’m not sure if either of them believed me. The three of us sat and finished our drinks in silence.

I went back to the library later and spent the rest of the evening there. I did a little thinking and drinking. I did make a few important decisions along the way.

The next day it was time for the fundraiser. There were pets to be adopted everywhere and the town was buzzing.
I walked over to the stage where the Ponytones were tuning up. Big Mac was late, and when he got there, he was hoarse.
I wasn’t quick enough thinking of a hoarse/horse joke, so I had to listen to the real explanation. Applejack showed up to provide it since Big Mac couldn’t do it himself.
“Wait, a Turkey Con?” I asked. “Most boring convention ever.”
“Ah said Turkey Call,” Applejack corrected.
I paused. “Wait, why are you talking like a hick? I thought we’d solved this problem.”
“Ah don’t know what you’re talkin’ about,” she said, frowning.
“See, back about the time when we did that Hearth’s Warming Eve play, I found an parallel universe that was just like this one except you, Applejack, said I instead of Ah, and nobody there had ever heard of tree nuts. After I found out that you put walnuts in your special cider, I figured that I might as well move to the nut-free universe instead. So that universe is now this universe, where I’ve been ever since. And I haven’t heard you say Ah again until just now.”
Applejack shook her head. “You ain’t makin’ any sense.”
“It is a bit hard to wrap your mind around,” I agreed. “So we’ve got a serious problem. Either I spontaneously jumped back to the original universe or you’ve spontaneously decided to go full redneck. Pardon me, I should probably go consult with the Doctor about this.”
I hurried away. Back when I had discovered the other universe where Applejack spoke with less accent and there weren’t nuts for me to be allergic to, I thought it was a great idea and had abandoned my original universe for the new one. This was where I had been ever since. You didn’t notice because like I said, there were only two small changes.
But I still had to solve this problem and quickly. Either I had switched back, or Applejack’s speech had changed which could be a symptom of more bugs in the code.
I went back to the library. There was a note on the door which I read and ignored. The door was latched, so I knocked.
From inside, I heard Twilight say, “Who could that be? Don’t they see the do not disturb, doing science stuff sign on the door?”
She opened it and I shoved past her. She protested, “Valiant, I’m doing science stuff!”
“Tough, I live here. Besides, I’m going to be doing science, too.”
“This is a publically funded building where you just sleep on the couch!”
I turned to face her. “But I’m here to do science. I’ll tell you about it if you leave me alone.”
Twilight looked conflicted, but couldn’t resist. “Fine. But first, let me talk about my science. I’m putting together a spell to locate Tiny Vamp Atoll. I can’t find anything about it anywhere.”
“What do you mean by locate?” I asked.
“If it exists in this universe, I’ll find it. I’ve built the spell so that even if it’s not an actual island, I should still get a location, or even a place to find more information.”
I nodded. “I’ve got to set up a trip. Some weird things just happened that make me question the validity of this universe and I have to run a few errands on Earth anyway. I’ll be gone for a little while.”
“When are you leaving?” Twilight asked.
“It’ll take a little while to make plans,” I said. “Tomorrow, I think.”
“I should have my spell ready to go by then,” Twilight said. “I’ll wait until you’re out of the library. I can’t be disturbed while I’m doing it.”
I nodded. “Fair enough.”
I started to turn away, but Twilight called me back. “What are you planning to do on Earth? Are you well prepared? Will it be different than the last time I went with you?”
“I’ll be fine. I’m pretty sure I know what I need to do.” I started to turn again, but Twilight started talking again.
“I could help. I know interdimensional travel isn’t easy. Have you got everything you need? Are you prepared to be walking bipedally?”
“Yes, I’ll be fine,” I grumbled, my annoyance growing.
“That’s probably the hardest part,” Twilight prattled on. “Learning to adapt to a different body.”
“You know what? Screw this,” I said. “I’ll start walking on two legs right now just to show you.”
I stood up and balanced there awkwardly, hooves on my hips. I glared at her and turned to strut away. “Haters gonna hate.”
Doc and Nova were waiting for me in the basement. The portal to Hell glowed a dull red under the floorboards. I briefly explained the problem I was having with Applejack’s accent.
“Right then,” said Doc. “Since you’ve locked up this universe, things are going to be a little more complicated. If you’re going to get to Earth and back, you’ll need more than just your dimension-hopping chunk of basalt that you’ve used in the past.”
“Luckily you have one of the finest scientific minds anywhere here to help,” Nova said.
I grinned. “Thank you. I always knew I was smart.”
It was a poor attempt at trolling and both of us knew it, but I got him to frown disapprovingly so it worked out.
Turning back to Doc, I said, “Okay, so we’ll need something more than just the ugly rock. What else?”
“You also have to be prepared in the eventuality that this won’t work,” he cautioned. “Breaking laws of physics is easy, but breaking the correct laws of physics to achieve your goal without utterly destroying the universe is the hard part. There’s a significant risk that you might get stuck in one world or the other, and that’s the least dangerous risk.”
“Less yakking, more zapping,” I said. “If we have to break the universe to save it, then that’s what we’re going to do.”
“I always knew you weren’t very smart,” said Nova.
“I know you are but what am I?” I responded. These future guys, they just don’t know how to deal with old-school insults.