Rainbow Dash ‘n’ Ghosts ‘n’ Stuff
A My Little Pony derpfiction
Prologue: Voodoo Ponies
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“Rainbow Dash, I appreciate that you’re willing to help me validate my theory, but you really don’t have to-“
“You just think I can’t do it don’t you!?”
Rainbow Dash yelled over her shoulder at Twilight, her competitive nature overriding rational thoughts.
I’ll show her! I perfected the legendary Sonic Rainboom! I’ve lived and worked in Ponyville for years! Of course I could fly a course through the streets of Ponyville blindfolded! I’ll do it in ten seconds flat!
Rainbow Dash's desire to perform such a dangerous feat didn't just come from the urge to rise to any competition or challenge. Blindfolded “Voodoo” races were annually held in secret on the darkest night of the year. The most foolhardy, brave and stupid ponies gather to recklessly gallop through the quiet streets of Ponyville completely blind, while other ponies place bets on them. It was named after a rumour that Zebras in their native country would host similar races but with the runners being bewitched (or perhaps simply intoxicated) instead of blindfolded, and the town streets replaced with dangerous and harrowing rainforests. It’s amazing and yet quite frightening what ponies do to escape the monstrous boredom of a quiet farming town.
Rainbow Dash was in fact a veteran of these races. She never did too well in them, but she blamed it on the fact that wings were not allowed (as if flying at near super-sonic speeds blindfolded was better than just running it). Yet she kept coming back, in hopes of one day beating Applejack in the races… even if she never definitively knew whether or not Applejack actually participated in these races (racers were lead to the starting location already blindfolded). All she did know was that old Granny Smith was always there to bet big bits on her racer and Big Macintosh never showed any signs of fatigue or injury the following day, nor was there an Ardennes-sized trail of destruction in the streets.
Hours earlier Rainbow Dash had arrived at Twilight’s tree house to help her with a little experiment. Normally Twilight’s antics only spelled egg-head boredom for Rainbow Dash, but she owed the librarian one after she managed to trick Spike into sending a forgery of one of Twilight’s friendship reports to the Princess (much to Twilight’s confusion and embarrassment when the Princess wrote back asking when she was expecting).
Twilight explained to her that she had a theory about the passive magic that enables pegasi to fly. While it was common knowledge that this magic was concentrated in the wings (like a unicorn’s horn) the ability to physically interact with clouds seemed to hint at pegasi emitting an ambient magical field. Unicorns also have magical fields and those most attuned to magic could sense and in rare cases manipulate things within the field passively, hence why the most common starting specialization for those in the study of magic is “parlour tricks”.
Twilight often witnessed her friend perform such reckless and death-defying aerial tricks almost literally in her sleep (as the rainbow-maned pegasus often boasted). Rather than simply accept that her friend is a God among angels in flight, she set forth to determine if pegasi, or at least just Rainbow Dash, could sense things with their magical field and thus maintain constant spatial awareness even without sight.
She had planned a few simple and relatively safe tests, such as having Rainbow fly around stacks of books or around an area of Sweet Apple Acres. It was just a simple offhand jest on how dangerous it would be to fly about the streets of Ponyville blindfolded that had set off Rainbow Dash’s competition alarm, or so the lavender mare thought.
So now the two ponies waited in the street outside the library. One on the ground and the other high above in a hot air balloon. This street was not normally on the Voodoo race’s course, but Rainbow Dash figured she’d be able to “wing it”, so to speak. Fortunately it was a quiet weekend morning with the streets being mostly empty. Spike had not yet awoken, having spent last night on another of Twilight’s “Rarity induced” errands while she caught up in studying specific forms of magic she’d rather not have anyone (even the Princess) knowing she practiced. Spike had returned late that night curiously hogtied and covered in bruises, muttering something about babysitting the “Stupid Mark Idiot Monster Hunters”.
“It’s not that I don’t have complete faith in your skills, Dash. It’s just… well… this seems kind of… reckless and dangerous, even for you.” Twilight called out from her balloon, where she will observe Rainbow’s path through Ponyville.
She was understandably apprehensive of Rainbow’s current goal. While this would be the most direct way of getting conclusive data thanks to a variety of sensitive instruments aerodynamically duct-taped to Rainbow Dash’s body, she would never be able to live with the guilt if Rainbow Dash (or any of her friends) was injured because of her experiments (barring that one time when she discovered the magical properties of diamond dog gunpowder and spent the following week looking for Spike in the mountain range beyond Everfree Forest).
“Pfft, whatever! I’ve done WAY more reckless and dangerous stuff than this! Y’know why that hydra in Froggy Bottom Bay has four heads? Me ‘n’ Gilda went there years ago to film our entry for the Jackmule TV show!”
Rainbow Dash lifted her (already blindfolded) head in pride. On that day, Gilda got to show off her badass hydra fighting skills, while she got to experience being swallowed by one. They won the award for best stunt that season.
Shame that the show was canceled in Equestria before that episode could air. At least I’ll always be known as “Daregriff: the Mare Without Fear” in Gilda’s hometown Gryphomanum.
The only thing Rainbow Dash’s boasting did for Twilight is confirm to her that her friend would do any life-threatening thing if it somehow seemed “cool”.
“Well… if you’re really dead set on doing this-“
“DUH! In case you haven’t noticed, I’m all ready to go here!”
“You remember the course?”
Twilight had drawn out a course through Ponyville on a map, which Rainbow immediately rejected and scribbled over in favour of one that more closely followed the course of the Voodoo races. Twilight didn’t object, seeing as it was up to the subject to remember to follow the course.
“Yeah yeah, I’ve done it a million times already! It-uh, it’s one of my, um, weather patrol routes. Yes. We have those.”
Rainbow Dash hadn’t told the librarian about the races, rules 1 & 2 of the Voodoo club.
“Well okay, in that case…” Twilight made one last check of her measuring equipment before slowly forming a sparking spell.
“On your marks…”
Rainbow Dash spread out her wings and crouched into a wide stance, legs ready to spring up for take-off.
“Get set…”
I’ll show that egg-head, I can do ANYTHING when it comes to flying, and then do it again blindfolded! Once I fly the course I’ll get a much better feel of it than running, then I can beat Applejack and be crowned the Voodoo runner prodigy!
The racing mare tensed up and let out her favourite battle-cry in the final second as Twilight prepared to fire her spell.
“Let’s DO THIS!”
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*CRACK*
*CRASH*
“WHAT THE BUCKING LUNAR HELL!?”
Pete Brown was almost hysterical in a maddening mix of utter confusion and boiling anger. The burly brown pegasus descended down to where the Ponyville delivery caravan lay upside down, the front half that contained the driver’s seat where the magic locked brakes were held (an expensive upgrade) was submerged in four feet into the dirt road of the Ponyville street.
The whole thing was also, somehow, on fire.
Fortunately, the two draft pegasi were not on duty due to being on a lunch break. They were now staring out of a nearby café window in total shock. Two pegasus mares stood beside the wreck, guilty expressions on their faces. Flaming packages and mail littered the disaster zone like presents and confetti, as if Pinkie Pie held a postal-related party out on the street that went horribly, horribly wrong.
“OH CELESTIA YOU CRASHED MY BUCKING VAN!” Pete howled at the two young delivery mares. “I TURN MY BACK FOR FIVE BUCKING MINUTES AND YOU CRASH MY BUCKING VAN!”
The grey mare with a blonde mane and seven bubbles on her flank looked up and gave a sheepish wall-eyed chuckle.
“W-well you always said you wanted to replace the old thing and since it was insured-“
“THIS ISN’T BUCKING FUNNY!” Pete threw his black cap on the ground in rage.
Behind him colt adorned in a navy coloured uniform that matched his coat cautiously approached the scene of postal apocalyptica.
“I’m a police pony, what happen-“
“THESE BUCKING FOALS BROKE MY VAN!” Pete roared without turning to address the newcomer. It took every bit of his mental strength to not buck his two employees’ heads in.
“HOW THE BUCKING LUNAR HELL DID YOU CRASH THE VAN!? I TOOK OUT THE BUCKING KEYS! IT WAS MAGIC LOCKED! IT CANNOT PHYSICALLY MOVE WITHOUT THE BUCKING KEYS!”
The golden mare with a blue mane and a raindrop cutie mark spoke up this time.
“W-well we saw there was a-an important light s-sensitive package in the front seat a-and it was in the sun s-so we went in to move it out when the van j-just suddenly started moving! We swear we didn’t touch anything!”
These two mares had always been trouble for Pete. He employed them because he felt sorry for them. He heard that nopony would hire the grey one, Derpy, just because of her funny stare, and her friend Raindrops had a reputation of being a little slow. Pete always believed in giving others a fair go, and hired the two ponies after meeting them and seeing their honest intentions to work.
He learned that day to never be prejudiced towards a pony, as all the things he heard about them were wrong.
He also learned the real reason the two ponies couldn’t hold down a job.
They were cursed.
There was no other explanation to the mind-boggling misfortune that struck whatever task they were doing, no matter how dedicated they were to it. The grey one was a bit of a scatterbrain and extraordinarily clumsy, while the gold one tended to think with some extremely weird logic.
A week after being hired there was an incident where Raindrops insisted on suddenly unloading the deliveries in the van mid-air because she heard somepony yell “itchy whales!” which was apparently a military code-phrase for “there’s a bomb in the cargo!”, whereupon Derpy promptly dropped every delivery item in the van on some poor mare’s head. The aftermath was a pile of destroyed goods and an already crippled pony being sent back to the hospital. She got better, thankfully.
Despite these incidents, there was something about their innocence and desire to prove themselves that kept Pete from firing the two unfortunate mares. They provided a good laugh every now and then. They were the reason he went to Canterlot and payed a lot of bits to install the driver’s seat that could magically brake and lock the vehicle from any movement, just to accommodate the antics of his two special employees.
However, the current situation was pulling his patience paper thin.
Pete rubbed the sides of his head with his hooves.
Calm down ol’ Pete, they didn’t mean no harm. You told ‘em to take care of the packages and that’s exactly what they did. You can’t be mad at a pony just doin’ their job. Hell, you should be impressed they remembered what you told ‘em.
He was about to open his mouth to forgive the two when Derpy spoke up.
“Also the muffins were getting hot in the front seat and I may’ve bucked the hand brake trying to get to them…” Derpy gave another sheepish wall-eyed smile, ignorant of the fact she had somehow broken the expensive Royally-certified enchantments through sheer overpowering unluckiness.
It was the straw that broke the draft horse’s back.
“You… you… you… BAREBACK BARN-SOUR THRUSH-RIDDEN FROG-HUFFING FARRIER-STUFFING CHESTNUT-GRINDING BEAT-BALKING GLASS-EYED CURRY-COMB LAME-LEGGED WEANLINGS!”
The sudden explosion of obscenities caused nearby bystanders to faint, and bring the two deliveryponies to frightened tears. The two mares huddled together as they felt themselves wilting under the now unbridled fury of their boss. Pure anger overcame self restraint and he began to scream whatever came to mind.
“I PAYED OVER FIVE THOUSAND BITS TO INSTALL ROYALLY APPROVED MAGIC BRAKES JUST FOR YOU TWO AND YOU DESTROY THE WHOLE CARAVAN IN RETURN!? THAT CARAVAN BELONGED TO MY GRANDFATHER YOU HALF-WITS! I have half a mind to buck the two of you back into the last millennium and let the WARRING PRINCESSES sort you out! You… YOU…”
He braced himself as he prepared to utter the foulest obscenity in all of Equestria.
DOUBLE GELDING
“Dash! Look out for the-“
*THUNK*
Anypony who hadn’t already fainted would’ve probably lapsed into cardiac arrest at hearing such a horrible curse. The silence following the shocked gasps allowed everypony present to hear the sound of something hitting into the (mercifully, now only smouldering) wreck of what was the Ponyville delivery caravan while travelling at high speeds. The police pony shook himself from his swear-induced stupor to check side of the van where the sound originated from.
“Um… is this mare one of yours?”
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Author’s notes:
Pete Brown is Derpy and Raindrops’ boss in FPK (I gave him a variation of one of his popular names, the name is a reference to Pete of Disney fame).
I decided to have a different characterisation of Derpy. I don’t know where “Derpy the sole mailmare” idea came from since she’s just shown to be a clumsy deliverypony working under Pete. As cute and endearing as the speech-impediment/mentally handicapped characterization of her is, I prefer to think of Derpy as just a clumsly airheaded pony, as she’s shown as being perfectly capable of functioning in Ponyville (she was part of the judgmental fashion crowd in Green Isn’t Your Colour) and that her derp eyes is a thing she can do voluntarily (she’s seen derp’d and underp’d in the same episode in the episodes following FPK) and she does it all the time just ‘cause.
Raindrops is characterized due to her cutie mark and the phrase “waterhead”: www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=waterhead, specifically the mild definition “someone who lacks common sense and intelligence”. I can’t believe there aren’t more Derpy & Raindrop fics.
The first part of the mail scene is a reference to the sequel of the infamous moonbase alpha video that spawned the meme that is quite popular amongst the other pony-crossed memes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8uLT_EIJjs.
For the purposes of making said reference and the direction of the story, I made up a sort of “magical driver’s seat w/ brakes” for the purpose of the story. They function like the superfluous train engine in Over a Barrel. It has a key that allows the brakes to be engaged/disengaged. Once engaged the vehicle is prevented from moving, frozen in space. A powerful and expensive magical charm purchased and installed in Canterlot, mostly applied to flying vehicles (presumably including the royal chariot) where brakes are important for allowing the vehicle to be suspended in the air without pulling and to prevent it from being taken out of the air forcefully, while not significantly adding to the weight while boosting the ambient magical charm that allows it to fly in the first place. Broken by the sheer power of Derpy’s derp curse.