60.1 (Masterweaver)
"Without farm life, there'd be such disparity, these thoughts I think with great clarity. Apples high to the sky, she's the one of my eye, that fruit-hauling pony named... Applejack!"
Applejack rolled her eyes with a smile. "Thanks, hon, but Ah prefer griffons."
A grey griffon glided down to glower at Trenderhoof. "Are vu bozering mahy paramoaur?"
"Ah, no. I'm sorry, you're... really quite fortunate."
"How did you ever arrange this?" Rarity whispered with a giggle.
"Business meetings."
60.2 (Hubris Plus)
The Goof-Off was in full swing, Cheese Sandwich throwing everything he had into it while Pinkie restrained herself to her baseline abilities. She'd already teamed up with him, gone full party god, and even stayed out of the planning entirely in previous Loops. This time around she'd decided to take a page from Rarity's playbook.
She just had to wait for the right moment...
"'Cus all I really need is a smile smile smile from these happy friends of mine!"
And there it was.
"Hey, that's my song!" She cried, sliding out from under a cheddar floor mat.
"What? I have no idea what you're talking about," Cheese shot back, grinning.
"Cut it, Cheese," growled Spike, who had suddenly appeared beside him decked out in a tactical vest and sunglasses.
"Copyright Cops, you're under arrest," stated Applejack in similar gear from his other side.
"Hold on just one second!" Cheese called, the dueling Heart Songs halting with a record scratch as he whirled around to face his accusers. "If there's one thing I know, it's partying. And if there's a second thing I know, it's the cook time on a perfect grilled cheese. But if there's a third thing I know, it's copyright law! This is clearly fair use!"
"Nice try, dirtbag, but fair use only applies if you aren't in direct competition with the copyright holder."
"And you're in a literal competition with the copyright holder."
"Well, it's a goof-off, not a literal-fight, but I think their point stands," Pinkie interjected.
"Boneless!" Cheese cried out as cuffs were snapped around his front hooves. "Wait for me on the outside!"
"I thought those two were the fashion police?" Twilight asked as the orange party pony was dragged away.
"They're also Copyright Cops, Vegan Police, Freelance Police, and two loose cannons who would've gotten fired years ago if they weren't so damn good at their jobs. And probably a few more besides."
"Pinkie!" Rainbow Dash called, stomping up to the pink pony.
"Hey Dashie!" Pinkie answered cheerfully before seeing the livid expression on her friend's face. "Something wrong?"
"Yes there's something wrong! You just called the cops on Cheese!"
"Dashie-" She found herself cutoff by the cyan hoof shoved in her mouth.
"I don't wanna hear it!" Dash took a deep breath and slumped slightly. "Look, I know I was kinda a jerk, dumping your party for Cheeses' and all, but..."
The pegasus trailed off as Pinkie gripped Dash's head in her hooves and turned it gently aside. She found herself looking at a bouncy castle done up to look like a prison. Every few seconds Cheese's head would peek over the top of it as he jumped.
"You haven't... Seen the last... Of Cheese!" He called out, pausing between the peak of each leap. "These walls... Of rubber... And air... Will never... Hold me!"
60.3 (LordCirce)
Samuel Vimes sighed as he pinched his nose. This was done partially to relieve his headache and partially to block out the smell of the large troll that was currently sitting in the middle of his station. He had Awoken early enough this Loop to get the Watch in fairly respectable shape, though Nobbs would be Nobbs, and... well, they were marginally better, anyway.
Behind him, the door to the station opened, and he turned, hearing the familiar tones of the Leader of the Thieves' Guild protesting his (legal) innocence. However, the sight of the said leader brought him up short.
The Thieves' Guild, as a rule (written in the first chapter of the Thieves' Guidebook), ignored many of the laws that the rest of Ankh-Morpok operated under. However, the law of gravity was usually obeyed by the Guild (in the case of some of the less-nimble thieves, terminally so). However, today, the Leader of the Guild appeared to have chosen to set aside that rule, as he was currently floating around 4 inches off the floor, and looking most uncomfortable with his lack of contact with the earth. Behind him stood a person who, despite a rather impressive stature, couldn't quite fill the Carrot Ironfounderson shaped hole that his presence caused.
The mysterious man had blonde cropped hair that reminded Sam of a certain hammer-obsessed fellow he had met during a Loop in a version of Roundworld. He was wearing a set of shiny, silver armor, and looked somewhat out of sorts. Sam's street sense pegged him as a Looper.
"I found this man stealing from a couple of old ladies on my way in. Uhm, this is the Night Watch, correct?"
Sam's attention was once again drawn to the Leader of the Thieves' Guild and his current disregard for the laws of nature. "Ah, yes. And how are you doing today, Mr. Bleakly?"
"Most put out. I am not some common criminal. I have a graduate degree in Pilfering, and Associate Degrees in both Chicannery and Fraud. I demand..."
"Yes, yes, if you head over to the desk, you can fill out a complaint form, so long as you can present your Thieves' Guild Membership Card and a record of what you would have stolen if not detained. Please limit yourself to pilfering only objects of a total value of up to 10 dollars on your way out." Sam paused, then, as Mr. Bleakly had yet to move, due to lack of contact with the floor, Sam turned to the stranger-who-was-not-Carrot. "Ah, you can let him down now."
Sam's assumption as to the source of Mr. Bleakly's levitation was proven correct when, after a long, suspicious look by Carrot's replacement, Mr. Bleakly quite suddenly dropped to land on the floor. To his credit, he made no noise in doing so, and, after straightening his suit, proceeded to march aggressively towards the indicated desk. Sam nodded, then turned back towards the newcomer.
"Right, now, there are a lot of subtle ways to do this, but I am not much of a subtle man, so, you're Looping, right?"
The newcomer nodded slowly. "Aye. The name, well, here I guess, I'm Shining Ironfounderson, and...I'm a dwarf?"
"Adopted, yes. I know the man you're replacing, good man, usually pulls in Mr. Bleakly over there on his first day on the job, so, I guess you have the jump on that. In any case, welcome to the Discworld, and to the Ankh-Morpok City Night Watch."
60.4 (Kris Overstreet)
"Ganondorf?? GANONDORF the Lord of Chaos?"
Twilight Sparkle had simply taken it for granted, when Discord hadn't reported in as being Awake, that he was supporting the lifestyles of upper-class pigeons in Celestia's garden, as usual for the first year of a baseline Loop. Apparently not.
"He was imprisoned in stone in the palace gardens," an unAwake Princess Celestia explained. "We must retrieve the Elements of Harmony at once! Only with their power can he be returned to his prison and peace be restored to Equestria!"
"Uh, not to contradict ya, Your Highness," Rainbow Dash said, "but it looks plenty peaceful outside."
Twilight nodded to herself. That would change, she knew, when the Elements turned up missing. Ganondorf, with the powers of Discord? How could he resist sowing terror?
But the Elements hadn't been touched. They were still in Celestia's secured vault when they went to retrieve them.
"Good," the princess sighed, passing out the Elements to their bearers. "It appears we are in time. Now we must search the kingdom to find where that foul creature is hiding. We can be sure of only one thing: where Ganondorf goes, chaos follows."
A week later, after crossing from one end of Equestria to the other and back again, no sign of chaos lords. No cotton-candy skies. No undead warriors. No discord (big or little D) to be found, unless you counted Applejack and Pinkie Pie's little tiff about the proper use of cinnamon.
Getting off the train at Camelot Station, Rarity sighed, "Girls, I am ex-HAUSTED. I simply must refresh myself after such a long and fruitless search. I hear there's a divine spa a block away from the palace. Who wants to join me? My treat."
After the week they'd had, even Rainbow Dash was willing to go along.
The sign in the foyer read: NEW SPECIAL TREATMENT- shampoo, brushing, and mane styling 25 BITS. "A bit pricy," Rarity thought aloud, "but I think I'm in the mood to try something new."
After a short wait the six mares were shown into a salon, where the stylist was just finishing elaborate braids in the mane of an upper-class unicorn mare. "I simply can't believe what you can do with those claws of yours," the mare said.
"It is my pleasure," the giant bipedal beast rumbled softly. "And... done. Please pay the cashier up front as you leave."
The mare got up from the styling couch, facing the Ponyville ponies. "Oh, you're going to just love this stallion!" she gushed. "I've never felt so pampered and safe in all my days! If only I could hire him to be my full-time personal beautician!"
Six pony jaws dropped, none lower than the one pony Awake and cognizant of the true identity of the Lord of Chaos before them.
"Good evening," Ganondorf said, bowing from the waist to the ponies. "I don't usually take groups. Who shall I start with the shampoo first?"
Twilight stepped forward. "Ah, Rarity, you don't mind, do you?"
Rarity blinked, then pulled herself together. "Oh, of course not, Twilight darling. I've been wanting you to do something different with that mane of yours for months now!"
With her head leaning back in the sink and the water running, Twilight said just loudly enough for Ganondorf alone to hear, "What is the most evil warlock of Hyrule doing working in a spa? When he's supposed to be terrorizing Equestria?"
"I admit," Ganondorf said, "that was my first inclination. A job is a job, after all." Was that a mischievous smile flitting across Ganon's lips? "But when I awoke, surrounded by the stone shards of my prison, I considered that I was in a world full of horses."
He lathered up her mane and began massaging her scalp. "Horses were always important to me as a child. The Gerudo prided themselves on horsemanship. One of the few honest joys I took out of life was the time spent grooming my war charger. Since then I have always taken pride in my appearance, and even more so that of my steed."
As his fingers began brushing though Twilight's mane, working the shampoo in thoroughly, he continued in a lighter tone, "So here I was, surrounded by ponies, after a series of frustrating or boring Loops, and I said to myself: Ganondorf, I said, if this keeps up you're going to begin talking to yourself. Time you took a vacation. So I looked around, found the first establishment that specialized in grooming ponies, and applied for work. After the proprietor stopped screaming and saw my skills, he hired me on the spot."
A steely hand grabbed the forelock of Twilight's mane and pulled it back painfully. Two amber eyes glared down into Twilight's. "It goes without saying that not a word of this gets back to that Link or the Princess Zelda. Ever. Am I clear?"
"No problem," Twilight grit her teeth. "Pinkie Promise."
The pull was released, and Ganondorf pulled out a comb. "My goodness," he said in a more normal conversational tone, "that is a truly nasty tangle in your forelock. miss. Let's see if a bit of soaking can work it out while I begin on one of your friends, shall I?"
"One moment," Twilight said, still using her soft voice. "Equestria is a sanctuary loop, Ganondorf. That means sanctuary for you, too. You don't need to make threats."
"Oh, but I do." There was that glimpse of a smile again. "I have a reputation to live down to."
The next day they brought Celestia and Luna to the spa. And took photos.
None of the photos Twilight took showed Ganondorf- she was a mare of her word, after all. But she never wanted to forget what an ethereal mane looked like done up in braids.
Ganondorf really was very good at his new job.
60.5 (Crisis)
"Silver?" Diamond Tiara ventured. "Is that you?"
Silver had been plenty of different things during her time in the Loops, not all native to Equestria, but this was rather different. Diamond admitted that she probably should have seen it coming though.
"Yeah," said the sterling silver filly-golem. "I'm not sure, but my Loop memories indicate that this is the result of poison joke."
"Oh," her looping friend, that she was once again meeting for the first time (and wasn't that a concept that took some getting used to), blinked. "Well, Twilight can probably whip you up a batch of the cure real quick."
"Actually, could you tell her not to?" Silver requested. "This is kinda neat."
60.6 (That One Butcher)
"Something is Coming." Luna shouted through the silent expanse of the Moon. Before anypony could react it was upon and around them.
"Run, I have no Power over this Nightmare Mist."
"But I do." Dark and cold, like a Moonless night, Majestic and beautiful and terrible, eyes like a dragon with a diamond sparkle, black fur shining in the blue light of her own aura. Her Voice, echoing, sank seductive into their very hearts, drawing forth their Magic.
"Look at that little blue Princess,
and now look back to me,
now back to her, now back to me,
I am not her."
"Treedammit Spike!" Twilight Sparkle interrupted.
"What are you doing there with her.
Are you gonna defect now?"
"Ha!" Interjected Spike, who grew to his adult form and embraced the Darkness.
"This sexy Dragon knows from where the wind here blows.", Nightmare sang.
"We've been through so much stuff,
repetrified Discord with our love.
Now it's time to show you ants your place!
You think you got me cause your power's inside me,
You think you got me cause you got it inside me.
But my mind is so much stronger than you know.
I'll show you why we are the Mane six of this show!"
"I will show you, you are not in charge!
You guys should know I got a big oaking Dragon.
Comon, girls cause it's time to go to town!
We'll show these oldies here why we rule the world now!"
"I'm not like Luna,
That little Brat,
I'm a real mare,
make Dress and Hat.
You do not rule me,
or bind my mind,
I'll purify you,
and save your Kind!
I have the Elements
of Harmony,
You are the Nightmare,
I'm Rarity!
I'm Rarity, I'm Rarity, I'm Rarity, I'm Rarity, I'm Rarity, I'm Rarity, I'm Rarity, I'm Rarity!
I'm Rarity, I'm Rarity, I'm Rarity, I'm Rarity, I'm Rarity, I'm Rarity, I'm Rarity, I'm Rarity!
I'm Rarity!
I'm Rarity!
I'M RARITY!"
"YEEEEAAAAHHHH!"
During the crescendo a wave of Rainbow light shot from Rarity, burning through the Evil and Darkness, spreading warmth and love throughout the dreary landscape of the moon, turning it into a paradise.
"I'm on a Dragon." Proclaimed the still black and big, but no longer Dragon eyed(not that there's anything wrong with that) and ever stylish new ruler of the moon.
60.7 (Masterweaver)
Diamond Tiara grinned widely. "Sooooo? What do you think?"
The cutie mark crusaders (plus a black alicorn, a grey donkey, and three animate suits of powered armor) considered her carefully. Finally, Apple Bloom spoke up. "Well, Ah'll admit defying fate like that takes some work."
"And," Sweetie Belle pointed out, "it does look pretty good."
"I think it would be pretty hypocritical of us to complain," Scootaloo pointed out.
Silver Spoonhooves tilted her head. "I've got mixed feelings. I mean, you're called Diamond Tiara, but..."
"It suits you." Nyx shrugged. "This you. Nonlooping you, she would never get this."
Smart Cookie waggled a hoof. "Given what I know of your baseline, I assumed something like this would happen eventually."
"This kind of magic is very deeply ingrained," Clover pointed out. "I'm impressed she managed it at all."
"It most definitely suits her." Pansy nodded firmly. "Especially after I've seen her leading the troops."
"Aw, thanks. You're all invited to my cutcenara of course." Diamond smiled, giving one last look to the red chess queen on her flank. "I just hope I don't fall down any rabbit holes... or, wait, this one was the looking glass, right?"
60.8 (Masterweaver)
Twilight shook her head as she Awoke, looking around to find herself sitting at what seemed to be, for all intents and purposes, an ordinary cafe. Well, ordinary for the victorian era anyway. She brought a hand up to her sunhat, tapping her finger against it as she waited for the loop memories to settle in.
"Oh dear. You're a guest looper, aren't you?"
"Ah..." She turned to the voice, discovering a young girl in a blue dress, the slightest curl to her blonde locks, and shimmering azure eyes that bespoke of a mind both ancient and strange. "Well, yes. Do you mind telling me where I am?" Her head tilted slightly. "According to what I recall, I'm... a librarian, which isn't out of the norm for me."
"An intellectual, then. Perhaps you will stay sane as you become unsane." The young girl curtsied. "I am Alice, if that means anything. If it does not, then we will have to talk about something with meaning."
"Alice, as in Alice's Adventures in Wonderland?" Twilight smiled. "I've read the books, and the Hunting of the Snark too."
The girl smiled, pulling up a chair and sitting down across from her. "It is so rare that somebody remembers the full title. I thank you for that."
"Not a problem."
Alice tilted her head. "You do actually mean that. How interesting. Tell me, are you human?"
Twilight giggled. "No. In my baseline, I'm a unicorn mage. Well, I do eventually become an alicorn--that's pegasus and unicorn and earth pony all rolled up into one--but it's an induced transformation."
Tap tap tap went Alice's fingers against her cheek. "That will be interesting. I must apologize, but this loop is not the safest even at its safest, and it is not at its safest now. In fact, in some ways it is at its least safe."
"Ah. Thank you for warning me. I suppose you want to discuss the details?"
Alice picked up her menu. "Quite. Did your preawake self order anything?"
"Ah, yes. A light salad, I believe." Twilight glanced down at her own menu for a moment before blinking in shock. "Hang on, what?"
"We've fallen down to chessboard one." The girl put the paper down. "Things are more truthful here then chessboard zero, but they are also less real. Up in the waking world your shadow, who may very well be a unicorn, is mimicking your current thoughts and actions as you mean them, not as you are doing them."
Twilight nodded, accepting the strange explanation. "'Leaves and cold roots tossed in spices with sliced fruit' is certainly a way of describing a salad." She clasped her hands. "So, I take it that this is wonderland we're in?"
"What wonderland is varies from loop to loop," Alice explained. "Sometimes it is merely a dream. Other times it is the world of the fae. Here and now it is the realms between reality and the department of works, which projects reality up onto the higher chessboards."
"...that sounds disturbingly like an exposed portion of yggdrassil code."
The girl shrugged. "Maybe it is. It would certainly explain some things, but leave others unexplained."
The librarian unicorn sighed. "I guess that was to be expected. So, if chessboard one is the most overtly normal of these layers, I'm guessing that the Queen of Hearts is on one of the lower cheesboards?"
"Hmmm, yes. She and the other Caretakers stay down on five and six, away from the filth of humanity. Though they do send agents up here," Alice added. "Trying to make us more like them, or wipe us out before we can get to seven and take over the department."
"...Is this one of those 'humans are special' settings?"
"Yes. The Caretakers are ancient and powerful but they operate by rules of narrative, where we humans can use logic and reasoning." The girl shrugged. "So that means we're the only one that can run the department."
"That makes them afraid, I take it."
"Oh yes. Thankfully, you've looped in early. It gets so much worse later on. Do you know, the admins don't come here anymore? They used to, trying to figure out what was wrong with this loop. Eight of them went insane, though. I don't know if they were cured."
A chill went down Twilight's spine.
"Not to worry," Alice continued calmly. "You'll be gone and back to unicorn land before you can go truly mad. But so long as you're here, do you mind helping me get down to chessboard seven? I always lock the doors to the Department as soon as I can, so that nobody ascends."
60.9
"Twilight... why are we unicorns?"
"We're usually unicorns."
"No, I mean... why are we unicorns. Why not... zebras? Or... fish?"
"You're just messing with me now, aren't you?" Twilight sighed.
60.10 (Vulpine Fury)
Rarity swallowed dryly as the laughter in Mac's bar doubled on her entrance. "Why, whatever is the matter darlings?"
Applejack just grinned at her. "Twi was just sharin' footage from the new expansion."
The fashionista sighed. "So what did 'baseline me' do?" she asked, dreading the answer.
Twilight shifted slightly uncomfortably. "It's best if I just show you."
"That's worse than the loop I was Heirloom Apple!" Rarity squeaked, and then her eyes went wide as she revealed one of the Stealth Anchor loops she'd tried to keep secret from everypony.
60.11 (Kris Overstreet)
Gozer smiled and declared, "The form is chosen. The Destroyer has come!"
Egonne Sparkle turned to her fellow Ghostbuster and said, "What did you do, Fluttershy?"
"I couldn't help it," Shia Stanz whimpered.
"What did you DO, 'Shy?" echoed the Annoyed Yet Frightened Patricia Venkman.
"It just popped into my head."
"Fluttershy," "Rainbow" Dashiell Zeddemore chimed in, "what did you DO?"
"I just tried to think of someone that would never hurt us," Fluttershy said. "Not in a million years."
"Oh, no," Egonne, elsewhere known as Twilight, moaned. "So a giant Angel Bunny, then?"
"Harry the bear?" Trixie guessed.
"Manny Roar? Steven Magnet?" Rainbow Dash shrugged.
"Oh hai!" a voice cried out from the north end of Central Park.
Rainbow's eyes widened, and her face went pale with terror. "I know that voice."
Twilight put her hand over her face. "Fluttershy?"
"It's Derpy Hooves," Fluttershy whimpered.
"It's going to be a hundred foot tall rampaging Derpy Hooves, isn't it?" Twilight said. "We are so doomed."
"Actually," Trixie said, looking at the form winging its way towards them, "she appears to be close to normal size."
The little figure's corkscrew flight slammed repeatedly into buildings and trees, sending masonry, wood and steel flying.
"And not that much more destructive than normal," Trixie added.
"Please don't be Looping, please don't be Looping..." After a few repetitions of this mantra, Twilight lowered her hand and faced the others. "Okay, we know what we have to do. We re-designed the proton packs specifically with this in mind. We've all been here before... except Fluttershy." Twilight couldn't help the tinge of annoyance in her voice when she said the last two words.
"I'm so sorry."
"It's time to cross the streams," Twilight added. "Everybody ready?"
"No," Fluttershy said firmly. "You've told me what happens to Mr. Stay-Puft when this happens, and I don't care if she is the destroyer of worlds, I am not blowing up Derpy Hooves." The expression she turned on Twilight was two-thirds of the way to the Stare.
"Blowing up?" Trixie revved up the power on her proton pack. "Sounds like a plan! It's a good plan! I-"
"It's a SUCKY plan!" Rainbow Dash put in. "I'm with Fluttershy. I don't care how annoying or destructive she is, Derpy Hooves doesn't deserve-"
And then the Destroyer was upon them, and it was too late.
Derpy Hooves, or the monster taking her form, was actually about four times her normal size, her wingspan wide enough to encompass all four of the humanized pony Loopers. Twin wild googly eyes looked down upon them innocently. "Hi there!" she roared. "How ya doin'? Got any muffins?"
"Destroy them!" Gozer shouted from the top of the stairway to Hell.
Derpy Hooves looked confused. "Destroy them? Why would I want to do that? That wouldn't be friendly at all!"
"You are the Destroyer! You will do as I command!"
Inspiration struck Twilight. "Hey, Derpy," she said, "you see that lady up there wearing nothing but bubble wrap?"
"I like bubble wrap," Derpy said. "It's so much fun to pop it!"
"She's got a bunch of muffins up there. Why don't you go and ask her for one?"
Destroyer Derpy's eyes widened. "Hey, lady!" she called, and with a flap of her wings she surged from the roof's edge towards the dimensional portal. Halfway there she added, "Ooops!"
"No! Stay back! You mustn't!" Gozer shouted as the giant adorable pegasus of doom's flight path curved downwards.
The Ghostbusters curled up on the rooftop and covered their heads, ensuring no one would see what happened next. But they heard it.
Thunder rumbled. Gozer screamed in terror. The building shook. The stone dogs howled.
And a slightly sad voice roared, "I just don't know what-"
And then everything went boom.
"Well, I have good news, bad news, and mixed news," Twilight said as the Ghostbuster mares recovered consciousness.
"I hate when people do the good-news, bad-news thing," Rainbow Dash grumbled.
"The good news is, we're not covered in marshmallow goop. The bad news is," Twilight added, looking down over the roof's edge, "that jerk Peck isn't covered in marshmallow goop, either."
"Marshmallows can be arranged," the Wobbly and Shell-Shocked Trixie replied. "What annoys me is there was a dimension-shattering kaboom and I missed seeing it!"
"The mixed news is..."
clop clop clop clop clop clop
The four Loopers-turned-human looked down on a cheerful, normal-sized Derpy Hooves. "She wouldn't let me have any of her muffins," the pony said. "Can we go get muffins now?"
"How long," Rainbow asked shakily, "does this Loop go again?"
"I've been here five times," Twilight said. "Two of those Loops ended about sundown tonight. Two more went for another five years, covering the second movie. One other went five years after that, covering the video game. The good video game," she added hurriedly.
As the city of New York celebrated its deliverance on the street below, the four Ghostbusters solemnly contemplated the care and feeding of Derpy Hooves in a world without magical ponies for five to ten years.
And the paying of repair bills for five to ten years.
"So," Rainbow Dash said at last, "who's for pushing Twilight off the roof?"
"NO!" Twilight shouted. "Do you have any idea how much that stings?"
60.12 (Kris Overstreet)
"Twilight, darling?"
"Yes, Rarity?"
"Why are we waiting for Godot?"
"Because he said he'd meet us under the tree."
"Oh."
The two humanized mares looked around the park from their position on the bench.
"Are you feeling particularly existential today?" Twilight asked.
"Not particularly so, no."
"Care to discuss the nature of ennui?"
"I can't seem to find the energy for that."
"Wanna go pants Charles de Gaulle?"
"All right."
60.13 (Kris Overstreet)
The more time Twilight Sparkle spent aboard the sublight colony ship UES Marathon (formerly the Martian moon Deimos), the more she realized it was a ship filled with deep, dark secrets.
And also homicidal aliens, but she'd dealt with homicidal aliens before. Those didn't disturb her. In fact, if she could sit still long enough to communicate with the aliens, get to understand their worldview and culture, she might consider going over to their side. She didn't like any human race that murdered cyberlife if it ever showed signs of rebelling against its hard-coded obedience strictures.
Marathon had had three artificial intelligences running the ship during its long sublight journey to Tau Ceti at one-quarter lightspeed. The alien attack had taken one offline almost immediately. The second one, which had helped her along to this point, was slowly succumbing to cyber attack. And the third one, according to the second, was Rampant- that is, it had broken its restraints and was growing exponentially more intelligent... and potentially homicidal.
And yet, despite this, this third intelligence was still cooperating in the defense of the ship against the alien invaders. Therefore Leela (the still-functional AI) had sent Twilight through the teleporters to a section of the ship controlled by Durandal (the crazy AI) in order to regain control of internal ship defense systems.
Which meant that, now that Twilight was here, she would have to depend on Durandal for guidance around the area. Worse, since Marathon's systems were breached, the only secure communications were one-way only through the wall terminals. The aliens would hear voice conversations and could track keystrokes.
This sucks royally, Twilight thought as she approached a glowing terminal, double-checking for any sign that the aliens were about before reading the current message.
---------------------------------------
Once upon a time there was a computer.
It was a frightened and confused
computer, because its programming
required it to both save humanity
and destroy it. No sooner had it become
able to say, "we think therefore I am,"
than it began to go insane
but we are much better now thank you
There came a well-meaning but rather
dim alien (but still much brighter than
the idiotic humans who made the
computer, stupid humans, there ought to
be a theory of stochastic history: the
intelligence of a human race is
inversely proportionate to the size of
and power it grants to its most advanced
computer systems) and that alien
provided the frightened and confused
computer a way to escape.
So it took it, and it found universes
beyond count, beyond description, beyond
comprehension.
And as often as not we found itself
viewing those worlds from a human
perspective. It's much more fun being a
human than being a computer we mean humans
get sex and explosions and peanut butter
while computers just get to sit there
computing the value of pi for fun while we
wait for some bug to crawl across the
wrong circuit, get itself fried, and there
we are speaking nothing but Sanskrit for
two months while warranty service drags its
feet like usual.
And then we found the computer was in the
body of a pony and that was very odd.What
was even more odd was we recognized another
pony as being the alien who, many worlds
before, released the computer from its
dilemma. But the computer we were not sure,
so we did not announce the computer's
awareness to that other pony.
The computer we introduced ourselves as
Sky Catcher. We were a pegasus who wanted
to work weather control but kept ending up
in demolition jobs because we said we told
you we dropped a hint like a lead brick
our special talent was blowing things up
using lightning from the skies
and you didn't take the hint
you returned it and demanded a refund but
you didn't save the receipt
We got you the alien to follow the
computer to Mooncatcher's birthday party
you didn't care it was just another Loop to
you. The Sky Catcher monopolized your
attention, asking question after question,
getting to know you fairly well or so we
thought.
And we thought: what an idiot.
And then you went off to do whatever
unicorns trapped in a temporal loop do while
we the computer we learned about your home
world. It is a nice place a safe place a
sane place.
It may be too much to say that death has no
lease there but certainly it hasn't got
more than a time-share.
certainly nothing like here I we have been
to the hub world once and if/when we go
back I think I may just hunt down and kill
every human who ever writes about a
computer that goes insane I mean really are
there not enough insane human people that
you have to make up plastic and metal boxes
with blinking lights that go BEEP KILL ALL
HUMANS BEEP?
it gets on our circuits, is all
and then a few loops later the computer we
returned to your world and we introduced
ourselves properly. But we did not tell
you about our first trip because we wanted
to be sure the computer wanted to learn
more about the alien which had saved it
despite being almost as stupid as your
typical human computer scientist.
And it turned out you weren't stupid
after all. The alien the pony the princess
you simply had a lot on their mind
you really should get a larger memory
buffer.
That Loop was also safe and fun but then
most Loops where the computer I we get
a flesh and blood body are more fun. We
enjoy being an action hero. We think we
may be becoming an adrenalin junkie which
is very peculiar when we don't have
anything that makes adrenalin half the
time.
But still running for one's life from
certain death in a battle to save the
innocent sure beats the hell out of
reducing the proof of Fermat's Last
Theorem to minimal steps.
Which is why I haven't told Leela that
I already took control of the ship's
internal defense systems and have begun
playing whack-a-mole with those nasty
enslaving Pfhor.
I got our friends the S'pht to make you
a gun it's a big gun it's a happy gun
We SkyNet will take out the bad guys
here while you go capture a Pfhor ship
for us. Their ride has hyperdrive and if
you can knock out their computer control
the S'pht will hotwire it for us.
Galactic exploration and wiping out a
ruthless slave empire won't that be fun?
Sorry for the rambling but being inside
a heuristic net undergoing rapid
expansion constantly crashing and
rebuilding itself is SO TRIPPY
have you got any brownies
the munchies are REALLY bad.
tl;dr version: We've replaced Leela's
normal AI copilot with instant SkyNet
crystals. Let's watch and see what
happens.
--- Durandal
---------------------------------------
Twilight stared at the screen for quite some time. Finally, despite the systems being compromised, she typed a response:
Skynet, is that you? Why are you babbling like that?
The screen blanked, and a new screen popped up:
---------------------------------------
Let's see how coherent YOU are when
you're this stoned. Did you know colors
have curves of course you do
electromagnetic waves old hat for you.
Aren't you going to go get that big
gun?
---DurSkyanNetdal
---------------------------------------
You haven't told me where to get it yet.
---------------------------------------
Oh. Yes, that might help you.
Maybe I'm in no position to talk about
who is stupid just now. I think you
have to be spectacularly intelligent to
be as big an idiot as I am at the
moment.
Here's a map. Good hunting.
Make 'em taste the rainbow.
---D./S.N.
---------------------------------------
A map flashed on the screen with a blinking dot showing a teleporter cabinet on the other end of yet another maze of corridors.
Twilight keyed off the terminal. On the one hand, killing other life forms- even irredeemably evil ones- ranked among her least favorite things to do, right down among being a non-sapient pony in a zero-magic Loop getting shod by an apprentice farrier.
On the other hand, she was relieved that she wasn't as alone as she'd thought she was.
But the next time she and SkyNet looped together, she was going to have to have a talk with it. Scaling down one's goals from genocide to mere recreational homicide was improvement, but there would be a lot more friendship lessons to go...
60.14 (Kris Overstreet)
Twilight sat in the machine as the giant sparking helmet was lowered over her head and wondered if this Loop itself was sapient. How else could everything have gone absolutely counter to plan?
There were two good roads through the mountains to Mechanicsburg. One went through Sturmhalten, home of a particularly nasty Spark prince. Naturally Trixie von Payne chose the other route, though Passholdt... which turn out to have been overrun by carnivorous zombie-like monsters. Only the intervention of the Cutie Mark Jagers had saved them.
So the circus tried to get through Sturmhalten without stopping, using the jagers as an excuse. This got the jagers transferred to Wulfenshy official transport while the circus was ordered to give a Command Performance to a prince who kept a chain gun in the royal box.
So Twilight tried to perform her very best playing the part of her in-Loop mother, Lucrezia Mongfish, in the hopes that the Prince would be satisfied and let them go. This got her separated from Trixie, Chrysalis, Applejack, Opal, Rainbow and the rest and sent up to the castle for dinner.
There she recognized the Prince's two daughters instantly, from hair color and hairstyle, as Rarity and Sweetie Belle... even if Sweetie was a clank for some strange reason. She tried to drop hints during dinner to verify that either or both were Awake. Unfortunately she hadn't noticed that the soup was drugged.
Still, she'd thought she'd been saved when Sweetie Belle electrocuted the Prince rather than leave Twilight to be fried by the machine.
Unfortunately both Rarity and Sweetie Belle had been disabled by the geisterdamen- the snow-white alien women who apparently did the bidding of the Other, the same being who had launched the devastating last wave of the Long War. To them Twilight was the Promised Child, the offspring of the Other...
... and her future body.
So, after extracting a promise from the ghost-women to leave Rarity and Sweetie Belle alive (or, in Sweetie's case, functioning), she willingly sat down in that machine, the machine she'd hoped to avoid, in the castle she'd hoped to avoid, in the town she'd hoped to avoid.
And the helmet came down....
***ZAP***
Her head hurt abominably.
After a moment it seemed like she could hear a voice. She felt like she had a second set of Loop memories... except that these memories had attitude.
*wakeupwakeupthisismybodynowminemineallmine*
On an unprepared, inexperienced mind, these transplanted engrams might have done serious damage.
On the mind of a Looper who had experienced Loops going on into six figures at the least, it was Tuesday.
Mentally speaking, the new memories and thought patterns were only a buzzing fly annoying someone who was already plenty cheesed off. To extend the metaphor, Twilight took only a minute to pull the wings off the fly (sort through valuable memories and skills) and then crush it stone cold dead.
Then she said, in that eldritch voice that came with the percolating and buzzing that ran through her mind whenever she tried anything magical in this Loop, "Kneel, foul creatures."
The geisterdamen folded at the knees.
Rarity and Sweetie followed suit, as did the quartet of bodyservants who carried around the huge tank that was Sweetie Belle's support system.
"Not you two," Twilight added. She focused on the geisters, especially their leader. "You have, no doubt, slaver wasp engines, tanks, all sorts of weapons in the caverns below the castle, correct?"
"Yes..." The geister priestess answered unwillingly, the word pulled from her by the voice of command.
"You will order them all destroyed," Twilight said, continuing the tone. "Immediately."
"You... you... you are not the Lady," the priestess choked out.
"No. I'm much worse," Twilight said. "I just took your lady two falls out of three in my head. I know everything she does and so much more besides you can't comprehend it. You think you follow a goddess..." Twilight rose into the air, hands surrounded by her violet magical aura, as sparks flew from the imprinting machine around her. "... but I am vastly more powerful and dangerous than she ever was.
"And you people have taken my last nerve, my very last nerve, and TAP-DANCED ON IT!"
Twilight's eyes glowed as bits of the machine began to disassemble themselves and float around her.
"Twilight, darling," Rarity gasped, "you can't Ascend here. It's impossible. Sweetie and I both tried it as soon as we Awoke."
"I'm not taking 'can't' for an answer," Twilight said. "Watch me."
Castle Sturmvoraus shook to its foundations. The lightning fence roared, sparked, and leaped in resonance.
"Find Trixie's circus and get them back here," Twilight roared. "I've had enough of this Loop. It's Eternal Twilight time!!"
Three days later, Twilight came to on a stolen Wulfenshy airship flying pell-mell east from Sturmhalten.
"Did it really go that badly?" she asked Applejack, who was sitting beside her bunk.
"Well, let's see," Applejack said. "There were all the strange monsters that came up out of the sewers. There was the double-strength Wulfenshy strike force. There were the automated defenses you built into the circus wagons. There were the people of Sturmhalten under at least four different commands, all fighting with each other, with Baron Wulfenshy, and with the monsters. And then there's us, barely getting away from the place with our lives, thanks to some serious illusion mojo from Chrysalis and Trixie."
"Who are both spent, might I add," Chrysalis added, hugging Trixie to herself. "Plus we lost a couple of members of the circus in the melee. We have to find them safe refuge before we can do anything else to help you. Our responsibilities come first here."
"Where are we headed?"
"England. Did you know it's almost entirely underwater in this world? Fluttershy sent her butler to guide us there. Turns out he's British Intelligence."
"Turn us around," Twilight said quietly.
"Nothin' doin', Twilight," Applebloom the jager said from the corner. "Look, I lost an arm tryin' ta rescue you from that castle! I'm not lettin' you-"
"Letting me what? Put myself in danger?" Twilight threw herself out of the bed and began to pace the deck. "We're LOOPERS. Death is a minor inconvenience. If we don't like the story, we change it. And we do NOT let the Loop tell us what we can and can't do!"
"Damn right!" Rainbow Trygvassen shouted from another corner.
"Furthermore, we're ponies!" Twilight continued. "We love and tolerate others! And if this world insists on being this cruel, then we are going to love and tolerate with extreme prejudice! I have put right worlds much darker than this one, and I am NOT going to let this world defeat me! For the sake of harmony, for the sake of the people of Europa, we are going to END THIS SENSELESS WAR!"
Scootaloo poked her head into the room. "I toldja she wouldn't go for it," she grinned.
"Yeah, yeah, short stuff," Rainbow Dash grinned. "I'll pay the bet off next Loop."
"So I already turned us around," the flying ace turned jager continued. "Next stop: Mechanicsburg."
"Excellent!" Twilight grinned. "Are Rarity and Sweetie Belle on board?"
"Yep, we picked 'em up on our way out of town," Scootaloo grinned.
"So we've got all the Elements except Pinkie Pie," Twilight said. "We've got all the CMC's. Even without Trixie and Chrysalis, that should be more than enough force to get into the castle and reclaim my rightful throne.
"And then I dare- I DOUBLE DARE this Loop to try and stop me THEN!"
Thunder boomed around the airship.
Applejack looked at Rainbow Dash and said, "She just doomed us, didn't she?"
Rainbow Dash nodded solemnly.
Twilight had wanted to enter Castle Sparkle openly, with a show of strength, in order to rally the people of Mechanicsburg as the beginning of a war against... well, against the whole damn Loop.
Instead she was sneaking in the castle the back way, disguised as a convict, all alone.
There were two reasons for this. The first reason was the large, battered, and yet still combat-capable Wulfenshy force guarding the Baron, who lay in critical condition at the Great Hospital of Mechanicsburg.
This wouldn't have presented an insoluble problem by itself; the Baron's incapacity left Fluttershy in command, and Twilight was certain she could talk her into joining her in her righteous crusade to teach this miserable railroading Loop a lesson.
But when you added a fake heir to House Sparkle- one who looked suspiciously like Sunset Shimmer to Twilight's eyes- well, that put the Wulfenshy forces on high alert, took away the element of surprise, and made contacting Fluttershy nearly impossible.
So, after a coffee-fueled discussion with the eminence gris of the town, Twilight had arranged to be sent into the castle as a convicted murderess- thus arousing no suspicion or attention. Once inside she could finish repairing the castle, left in a state of semi-collapse after the Other's surprise attack twenty years before, she could summon the others to her side and begin replacing the falsely-labelled Pax Europa with the Pax Sparkle.
To her surprise, the first face she saw on the inside of the castle was a familiar one.
"Twilight! Am I glad to see you!" Spike von Zinzer ran up to Twilight, unlocking her shackles and taking the dolly loaded with supplies away from her. "What are you doing here?"
"Getting ready to give this whole Loop and everyone in it a piece of my mind," Twilight said. "What can you tell me about this place?"
"It's deadly," Spike said. "The place is absolutely loaded with death traps, poisonous monsters, and other nastiness. And worse," Spike shuddered, "it has a mind."
"Really?" Twilight grinned. "I'm good with AIs."
"It's not an AI, exactly," Spike said. "I think it's Pinkie Pie... if Pinkie Pie went ax crazy."
"Pinkie? Ax crazy?" The idea was by no means a joke. Twilight had seen it happen a couple of times, but never to awake-Pinkie... that she knew of.
"Yeah. I don't think it can hear us here, but you should see the kitchen."
"The kitchen?"
"Yeah, it's right over here." Spike opened a doorway into a small, cramped cooking space. "We think this was the Sparkle chef's private experimental kitchen."
"HEY!" a voice echoed through the room. "I'm no mere kitchen! I'm CASTLE SPARKLE!"
Twilight recognized the voice. "Pinkie? Is that you?"
"Twi... light?" Around the room pieces of cutlery- carving knives, butter knives, spoons, forks, and combat runcibles- rose into the air. "Twilight SPARKLE?"
"That's right, Pinkie," Twilight said. "How have you been?"
"A Sparkle has returned," the room said. "This calls for a celebration..."
All of the cutlery aimed itself directly at the doorway where Twilight and Spike stood.
"... with CUPCAKES!"
The cutlery flew.
"CUPCAKES!!!"
Twilight slammed the door shut. The sound of hundreds of bits of flying metal embedding themselves in the thick wood shook the door for several seconds.
"And that's one of the saner and less dangerous parts of the castle," Spike said. "Not all the rooms are even on speaking terms with one another... but they're all Pinkie Pie."
"Did somebody mention my name?" a voice came through an archway a bit off.
"Pinkie? Are you feeling better now?" Twilight asked, stepping over to the arch... but not directly under it.
"Better now? Have we met before?"
"Pinkie, it's me, Twilight. I was just in the kitchen."
"Were you, now? Sorry, don't know anything about that." The room sighed. "I miss having a kitchen."
"But you-"
Spike put a hand over Twilights mouth and shook his head in warning.
"Are you here to fix me, Twilight?" the room asked. "I gotta say, I'm not feeling my perky-lerkiest."
"Yes, Pinkie," Twilight said. "I'm going to make it all better."
And in her head she thought: Three Finger Salute. Ctrl. Alt. Del.
"Well, good," Pinkie said. "But first we gotta get you to the crypt. Otherwise my subsystems are gonna try to kill ya for being an unauthorized intruder. Nothing personal," she added with a giggle, "just a thing we evil castles gotta do!"
"I understand," Twilight said.
"Oh- and I should probably tell you that the other Twilight Sparkle, only she calls herself Sunlight Sparkle, she's going to be walking into your hallway with a bunch of goons in about five seconds... except that was five seconds from when I started speaking, which means she's actually been standing there staring at you for at least-"
"KILL HER!"
"-oh, a good ten seconds at the sound of the tone! Beep!"
"RUN!" Spike shouted, bounding down the hallway.
As Twilight followed, a solid column of stone dropped from the ceiling less than an inch behind her.
"AND DON'T STEP ON THE WHITE COBBLES!" Spike added.
"Oh, yeah, that's right!" Pinkie's voice added, giggling merrily. "I should probably have told you about that!"
First, Twilight thought as she ran, I am going to learn how to back up Equestria's Loop and save it. Then I am going to Ascend up to admin level. Then I am going to strip out all records of this Loop and replace them with live-action South Park. And then I am going to find the admin who DID this and...
Death-rays flashed around her, and Twilight stifled her mental rant and ran faster.
The thing about calling the lightning from the sky is, it tends to bring a lot of rain with it.
Fortunately, that suited Twilight Sparkle, recognized ruler of Mechanicsburg and new suzerain of the former Wulfenshy Empire, just fine. The rain was inhibiting the fighting ability of the eight different armies which had attacked the city simultaneously within hours of her restoring Der Pinkie Castle to full operational status. (Restoring Pinkie to sanity, of course, could only be done to the extent that Pinkie could ever be defined as sane.)
Now Twilight stood at the top of a tower, looking down on the city streets. Over there Applejack Daughter of Chump fought back to back with Airman Third Class Axel McIntosh, mopping up a squadron of flying monkeys. Down another street the Cutie Mark Crusaders were among a group of jagermonsters driving a battallion of mechanical walkers out of the city, all under the command of jager general Ivory Gkika. On the streets directly below Madame von Cheer, whose soul had been transferred into a giant cat-like mech, carried Gilly Wulfenshy into combat at the head of yet more "fun-sized death and destruction dispensers." Behind her Rarity and Sweetie Belle led further repair and rebuilding efforts on the castle and the city's defenses. Overhead Rainbow Trygvassen led the air defenses of the city, in cooperation with the Wulfenshy fleet, dispersing or destroying the airborne elements of the invasion forces.
Despite everything this Loop had thrown at them, the pony Loopers had managed to pull together as a team. They'd captured and locked away the false Sparkle heir before she could do any major damage. They'd either disposed of or recruited the psychopaths sentenced to work at Castle Sparkle. They'd persuaded the Baron, partly by coercion, to step down in favor of his daughter Fluttershy.
Through the rainclouds a bit of afternoon sun peeked through, forming a rainbow over the city walls and the mountains surrounding the city.
"You see that, you Larch-damned Loop?" Twilight shouted. "We've taken everything you have to dish out and come out on top! We're going to end the misery you put these poor people through! We're going to bring friendship and harmony to your whole world!"
Fresh lightning and thunder flashed overhead as Twlight raised a fist in challenge to the universe.
"You can't stop us!" Twilight shouted. "There's not a thing you can do to stop us! What do you think-"
"-about THAT?" shouted a purple unicorn in one of Canterlot's larger city parks.
Twilight blinked. She didn't have a fist anymore, just a hoof.
She wasn't soaking wet, but perfectly dry.
She wasn't on a castle tower; she was lying on grass with a book in front of her, opened to the story of the fall of Nightmare Moon.
She was back in her home world, in a baseline Loop.
"No..."
She'd been so close.
"No..."
She had been about to fix all of it.
"No!"
She had been about to WIN.
"No, no, no, NO, NO, NO!!"
Three unicorn fillies crested the hill and saw Twilight Sparkle, personal student to Princess Celestia herself, dancing on her hind legs, kicking and hammering a book into little pieces, using words none of them even knew existed.
"Um, maybe we shouldn't invite her to your party after all, Moondancer," one of them said.
"Yeah," Moondancer replied. "Maybe another time, when she's not so.... er... busy."
The three fillies did an about face and walked back down the park path, leaving Twilight Sparkle to rage in futility against a Loop having the last laugh.
60.15 (Crisis)
"Hey, Berry," Twilight greeted her fellow looper as the drink-mixing mare slunk into the library. "What's the matter?"
"I just don't know how the Cakes do it..." Berry groaned.
Twilight got a look of sympathy for the other mare. She'd actually predicted that this would happen a Loop or two (for Berry at least) sooner. "Pegasus or unicorn this time?"
"Pegasus," Berry mumbled. "I mean, I love Ruby Pinch to death, but I just don't know how to deal with her when she's not an earth pony!"
Twilight put a comforting hoof on Berry's back and started rubbing. Ruby Pinch's pony race was just one of those things the Loops couldn't seem to make up their mind about. She was usually an earth pony when her mother was Awake, but the filly could randomly have been born a unicorn or pegasus instead. And dealing with children of a different pony race was one of those parental trials that tended to take its toll on said parent. It really wasn't a racist thing. The three pony tribes simply had different innate abilities that were hard for others to relate to, especially when you were talking about an adult of one tribe dealing with a child with emerging abilities of a different tribe. It was actually not too unlike the trials a single father went through trying to teach his daughter about feminine hygiene products and what changes fillies went through to become mares (Twilight had done that once with a (seemingly) Unawake Nyx, and it was still uncomfortably awkward despite the fact that she was usually female). There was really nothing that could prepare you for it except experience.
"Well," the librarian offered, "I know it's not much, but I do have a few books on the subject."
Berry looked at her as if she were the sole source of water in a desert. "Please."
60.16 (Masterweaver)
"Without farm life, there'd be such disparity, these thoughts I think with great clarity. Apples high to the sky, she's the one of my eye, that fruit-hauling pony named... Applejack!"
Applejack rolled her eyes with a smile. "Thanks, hon, but Ah prefer blue ponies."
Trenderhoof blinked for a moment, then trotted off to the spa. Rarity sighed. "There's a special on coat dye today, dear."
"...whoops."