//------------------------------//
// Whatever You Say 
// Story: Not My Little Diamond 
// by MagerBlutooth 
//------------------------------//

Chpt. 20 - Whatever You Say

Tuesday, April 1

What had led me to believe this world was similar to my own? Was it that the sky and the grass were the colors I knew them to be? Was it that the BGM played at the same tempo during the quiet moments of the day? Was it that the majority of the population was always wandering around with nothing to say? Whatever the reason, it wasn't true. This world was nothing like my own, and its attempt to make me think as such was only one of the disgusting lies it had tried to spoonfeed me. 

This entire world was basically one big lie. Its supernatural credentials, its peaceful atmosphere, its allegedly protective anti-magical gloss, none of it was real. Deception reigned supreme in this den of magic and misfortune, so much so that its owners were deceiving themselves just as much as their enemies. The nine ponies standing by the wall of the schoolhouse in front of me were hands-down the best example of that deception. They all looked so colorful and innocent, wearing their costumes like hired actors on a stage.

We certainly had a diverse cast. There was the genius dressed as a mime, the scientist dressed as a wizard, the mole dressed as an apple lover, the peacock dressed as a princess, the glasses-wearer dressed as a superhero, the squeaky voice dressed as a superhero who gardens, and the librarian dressed as an angry pony with a lizard on her head. Also, Pinkie Pie had a necklace on.

Then we had the only one of the group who wore no attire despite her heavy interest in it. However, it wasn't difficult for me to say she probably had the most elaborate costume of them all, and I'd been tasked with the job of removing it.

I couldn't begin to imagine what her family life was like, because I'd already mapped it all out. After successfully joining Celestia's elite ranks, she was forced to cut ties with her family and move to a different house in order to convince the Horns she was on their side. Already getting the short end of the stick from her parents, losing her older sister at such a young age devastated little Pinkie Pie, who quickly developed a lasting contempt for all things magic. Sweetie Belle, the one member of the family who managed to remain neutral in the conflict, tried to mend her damaged family whenever she could, but until the war ended, she'd never truly succeed. And so the three of them continued to wait, wait for the day that the reign of magic would end and they could all be one happy family again.

Such a touching story. One might even say it was beautiful. Too bad I couldn't afford to care. It wasn't my job to solve any family problems. My job was to defeat the main Blank, and in order to achieve that goal and get my hammer back, I knew what I had to do: I had to tear their family apart like a letter from the Board.

"This is ridiculous," Twolight said, looking as entertained as a pile of leaves as she continued reading over my golden list of rules. She glanced at me. "I wouldn't be smiling if I were you. You've got to be standing on the thinnest ice I've ever seen."

I hadn't stopped smiling since the princess had agreed to my terms, and unlike everything else about this world, nothing about it was phony this time. At Celestia's request, we had come behind the school to give our game more privacy. I knew she was trying to prevent any Blanks from watching us. If only I could tell her how blind she was.

Mr. Star took his mouth off the crazy straw that was sticking out of his hat. "You know, Uptight," he said, "if you look for the worst in somepony, you're probably going to find it." He slurped on his straw and turned to me, swallowing before asking, "Besides, aren't you even a little curious? I mean, Simon Says?" 

"I was curious when I asked him," Twolight said, checking the other side of the list. "Now I'm just frustrated. Why don't you try asking him?" She slid the paper over her face. "Maybe he'll answer you."

Mr. Star scratched the area where his chin was probably hiding. "Eh, let him have his secrets. I'd rather figure it out myself anyhow." He took another large slurp from his straw.

Twolight took a second look at him. "Wait a second. Isn't your hat full of—"

Mr. Star smacked his lips in contentment. "You know, smooze really helps settle the stomach after a grueling dairy binge. You want any?" 

"No!" she said, pulling away as he tilted his hat toward her. "Just leave me alone. I have to finish looking over these rules."

Twolight had been looking over that list for well over five minutes. If I knew she was going to struggle this much with them, I would have offered to read them to her myself. Then again, I knew how embarrassing that would be for her.

"Gosh, Twilight," Twilight said after downing a mouthful of smooze. "Don't you know how to play Simon Says?" 

"Of course I know how to play. I'm just making sure there's nothing fishy about these rules." Twolight flinched as Gummy transitioned from her mane to her ear. "If he had these prepared, he must have been planning this from the start."

Wow, Gummy, you must be siphoning some seriously profound thoughts from that head, huh?

My impatience kept growing as Twolight continued to read, and I wasn't alone in that neck of the woods. The bespectacled one I had dubbed Silver Bullet since 'gray' didn't fit in a superhero name, looked like she was about ready to melt from boredom. Applejack was mindlessly pushing a tetherball around a pole, and Sweetie Belle was half asleep. Diamond and Pinkie were still a bit too upset for the boredom to overtake them just yet and had finally found something they could do together: glare at me. However, their looks were nothing compared to the princess's.

It wasn't that the princess looked angry. Actually, I couldn't tell what she looked like. All I knew is that ever since she agreed to my demands, she'd been staring at me with enough force to reduce the BGM to nothing but a drum beat. I wasn't quite sure what she was looking for, but it didn't seem like there was anything I or anyone else on that playground could do to keep her from getting it. Perhaps it was her position or her size, but something about her stare was unnerving. I was starting to think she had left a stand-in in her place until something tugged at her mane and finally pulled her attention away from me.

"P-Princess Celestia," Silver said, looking over to the swingset. "Are we really going to play a game with that...thing?" She glanced at me for as briefly as possible before turning her eyes to the school.

"That's right," Celestia said, kneeling down beside her, surprising her enough to force eye contact. "I know how confusing this must be, and I'm truly sorry for the trouble this is causing you and your friends, but I want you to know how grateful I am that you are all being so cooperative."

The filly blushed, consumed by the prestige of the royal thanking as she scratched the back of her neck. "Of course, Princess. Don't mention it. It's, like, totally our honor." Her eyes grew wide as she turned around to see the cape on her back, quickly tearing it off, rolling it into a ball, and chucking it away. She put up a smile as if to convince the princess the cape never existed. 

"Princess?" Pinkie said, tidying up her voice to speak to the crown as she stepped up beside her nervous companion. "Would it be okay if instead of playing Simon Says with it, we locked it in a dungeon for a few centuries?" She resumed her glare. "Or maybe a volcano?"

Celestia laughed softly as she ran her hoof through the filly's mane, smoothing over the antennae that had been sticking out of it for the past few minutes.

"Actually, could we call a vote on that?" Diamond Tiara asked, catching Opal in her magic as the cat tried sneaking toward me again. "Because that's not a bad idea."

"Huh?" Sweetie said, pushing her hat out of her eyes as she woke up. "We're voting? I vote we lock up the hat thief."

"I'd like to hear one reason we shouldn't," Applejack said, her hoof pressing down on her own hat.

"Well, Mork?" Celestia asked, turning back to me with a smile. "They have a point. What reason do we have to trust you?"

There's a question for the history books. How do a bunch of liars trust someone who's telling the truth? And how does the truth teller establish trust when the liars see his truth as lies? This would be so much easier if they'd just let me use my natural language. Guess I better say something, though.

"None whatsoever," I said with a chuckle. "I guess you'll just have to throw me in that volcano after we finish."

See, Tongue? This is why I only trust you to lick stamps and spit raspberries.

"You sure about this, Princess?" Applejack asked. "He ain't even pretendin' anymore."

"Actually, he's got a point," Twolight said, pulling her nose away from my golden page. "I doubt there's anything he could say that would get us to trust him, and we've already seen how fast he can run. If he was going to try to take off with my crown, he probably would have done it by now." She pulled the list away from her face and slowly levitated it over to me.

"Is this crown really that important?" Sweetie asked. 

"Yes!" Twolight and Pinkie shouted simultaneously. 

Twolight looked at Pinkie curiously. "I think you just said that louder than I did."

Pinkie's Diamond-grade smile made a sparkling reappearance. "Oh, well...I just figured if the princess is here it must be that important, right?"

"Uh-huh," Twolight turned to me again. "Why don't we get started? You want me to be Simon, right?" 

"What?" I shouted, grabbing my rules out of the air as they got within snatching distance. Hearing my own overreaction, I heavily lowered my volume as I responded, "That's okay. I'll be Simon."

Twolight looked confused. "Then why'd you bother showing me those rules? The only notable ones on there were restrictions on what Simon can and can't say."

I started wiping the excess magic off the lamination of my rules with my sleeve as I mumbled, "No reason."

"What sorts of things can he not say, Twilight?" Diamond asked, restraining Opal again. 

"He can't tell us to do anything that wouldn't be fair. For instance, he can't give us any physically impossible commands, like telling us to shoot lasers out of our eyes."

"You mean like this?" Mr. Star asked as he materialized a shiny pair of flickering goggles and put them over his eyes.

Twolight swiped the goggles away from him. "The rules say it has to be possible for all remaining players. If even one of us can't do it, it's against the rules."

"So how long is this gonna take?" Applejack asked. "Are we playin' till the last pony standin'? Because I think we can just give the princess the trophy right now." 

"The rules say that 'Simon' gets two commands for every player including himself. The game ends when Simon runs out of commands. Anypony left in the game wins. If nopony's left, Simon wins." She looked over our group. "There are ten of us here, so that's twenty commands." 

"Ugh, this is gonna take forever," Pinkie said, sagging down against the wall of the school. Catching the princess looking at her, she straightened her posture and said with her brightest smile yet, "Not that I'm not totally being cooperative." 

Celestia smiled at her again before turning to me. "Before we begin, may I ask you one question?" Her smile faded as that probing look infested her eyes again. "I know you don't wish to share with us why you wanted to play this game, but can you at least tell us why it was so important for all of us to participate?"

There's no way I can tell you that. I can't even tell you why I can't tell you that. The second the Blanks catch on to what I'm doing...

"Isn't it obvious, Princess?" Twilight asked, springing up beside her.

Cludgeknots, why does Twilight have to be so quick? If she pulls the curtain back now, this game will have no point.

"Simon Says is the most fun when more ponies play. Right, Mork?"

I blinked. "Right." 

Good, she's playing dumb. She must be confident that I have no chance of pulling this off. That should be all I need to pull this off.

Celestia didn't seem convinced by Twilight's answer, but she didn't raise any further questions, and with the magic wiped off my rules, it seemed we were about ready for liftoff.

"Perhaps we should get started," Diamond Tiara said, still struggling to maintain control of her former pet. "The sooner I can get Opal and Sweetie Belle away from you, the better." 

Ouch, grouped together with the cat. Sweetie Belle really is the neutral one.

I nodded, thankful for the opportunity to keep my mouth closed. 

"And just so we're clear," Twolight said. "You're giving it back after the game's over, right? No matter who wins?"

I cocked my head, slightly wary of her tone. "

I nodded again as I looked back to my rules, checking one last time for any spots on it that made my fingers tingle. It was just as I suspected. Five minutes without my Mork language and I was already running out of coherent sentences. This game couldn't have come at a better time.

"All right," I said, folding the paper in half. "Game start."

As the BGM played a grand orchestral opening to signal the start of our game, I lifted my rules beside my head and shoved them right into my ear.

And with that, it was time for Diamond Tiara's reckoning.





Mork's pupils swelled as he pulled his empty claw out of his ear. He began to babble mechanically, the noise flowing out of his mouth too quickly to be sure if he was actually speaking words. He stopped as quickly as he started and shut his eyes, a light bulb springing out of his head.

The others stared at him with blank expressions, several of them taking a step away. Rarity covered Sweetie Belle's eyes.

"I've never played Simon Says like that before," Pinkie said.

"You mean with scientific anomalies?" Shooting asked, scribbling furiously on his notepad. "You don't know what you're missing."

Mork reopened his eyes, his pupils back to normal. He placed his front claws behind his back as his smile returned and he said, "Greetings and salutations, four-legged carrot enthusiasts, and thank you for selecting me as your Simon for today. I know you have a lot of options when it comes to choosing your frivolity administrator, so I will do my best not to disappoint. Rest assured, I will see to it that you are properly entertained and domineered." 

"What was that last part?" Applejack asked.

"What was that first part?" Sweetie asked.

Mork clapped his gloves together. "The sun smiles on our game this afternoon. If you are ready to begin, please say 'ready'."

Twilight looked to the princess as if to ask if they were really going to go through with this. After receiving a nod, Twilight turned back to Mork and said, "Okay, we're ready."

Mork's pupils dilated again as his smile fell flat. In the time Twilight had to blink, he was standing in front of her, his front claw raised high above his head.

"Out!" he shouted, slamming his open claw down onto Twilight's forehead, his fingers barely missing her horn.

"Ow!" Twilight smacked his arm away as she glared up at him. He had stopped paying attention to her and was now examining his claw.

"Odd," he said. "I seem to be missing my elimination marker." He looked back to Twilight. "I apologize for the inconvenience. Please exit the Simon Zone until the necessary equipment can be located for a proper elimination."

"That doesn't count!" Twilight shouted, rubbing her head. "We haven't started yet!"

Mork shook his head. "Not true. I announced the start of the game before suppressing my mind with its rules. Therefore, when I asked you to say 'ready', the rules were already in effect. Rule 1B stipulates that performing an action not predated by 'simon says' means you are out. Now please report to the Elsewhere of Shame."

"Suppressing your mind, huh?" Shooting said, continuing to jot down notes.

As she received another nod from her princess, Twilight lowered her head and walked away from the group.

"Out!" Mork shouted, once again whirring over to Twilight and slapping her on the head, this time with enough force to knock her over. As she hit the ground, Gummy flew off her ear and landed in the princess's mane.

"I'm already out!" Twilight shouted, standing back up. "What was that for?"

Mork's pupils dilated again. "Rule 7B. Eliminated players may continue to be eliminated, resulting in premature elimination in subsequent games."

"Ooh, bad luck, Twilight," Pinkie said. "I'll be sure to play for you next round."

"There better not be a next round," Diamond mumbled.

"Mork, seeing as how you don't have your 'proper equipment' with you, do you think we can skip the elimination procedure?" Celestia asked, repositioning Gummy on her head.

Mork's eyes dilated. "Please wait while I process your request."

Hearing his request, Twilight tensed up. "Don't wait!" she shouted.

As the one closest to him, Applejack did the first thing that came to mind. She twirled around and bucked Mork right in the chest, sending him flying onto his back. As his pupils contracted, he leaned back up, smiling as if nothing had happened. "Request approved. Thank you for your feedback. I look forward to providing a satisfactory session of amusement for all remaining targets." 

"Hey," Sweetie said. "I just realized. He said 'please' before each one of those things he said. We just have to listen for that!"

"Understood," Mork said, his pupils expanding. "'Please' will no longer be said before commanding any herbivores."

"Way to go," Silver Spoon said. She looked over to Diamond. "Can you believe her?" Diamond shrugged.

Mork clapped again. "I have a proposal. As a sign of courtesy, I will allow you to choose my next command. Any command shall suffice, provided it is compatible with the rules."

"You're letting us decide?" Rarity asked. 

"I can think of a few options," Applejack said. 

"Kick me in the face!" Diamond shouted, leaning forward. "Simon says, 'Kick me in the face!" Diamond's remark was met with a swift blow to the nose from Sweetie's back hoof that knocked her off balance.

"Sweetie Belle!" Rarity shouted.

Sweetie winced, her eyes turning fearful as she came to realize what she'd done. She looked back to Diamond, who had partially fallen over and was rubbing her nose. "Wait, you wanted him to say that, didn't you?"

"Are you normally this clueless, or are you making an exception for the holiday?" Silver asked, helping Diamond up.

"You okay, Diamond?" Applejack asked, moving over to get a closer look. She lifted her left leg. "How many hooves am I holding up?"

"I'm fine," Diamond said as she stood upright. "I didn't lose any teeth, did I?" She opened her mouth.

Silver looked inside and shook her head. "No, you're good."

"I'm so sorry, Diamond," Sweetie said. "You just sounded so assertive. I got confused. You understand, right?"

Diamond's upper lip quivered as she curved it upward. "Do you even have to ask? Don't worry about it. I'm sure…anypony could have made that mistake. Let's just get back to the game."

"You sure?" Applejack asked. "That looked like it stung somethin' fierce. Maybe you oughta call it quits and—"

"Quit? You mean give up? To that thing? In front of the princess?" Diamond's stray hair sprung out of place once again, and her eyes narrowed as she faced Mork. "I'm fine. I don't feel a thing."

"Well, all right then. Let's keep playing," Pinkie said. "Ask us to make you laugh, Mork. That oughta be a fun one." 

"Laugh?" Mork asked, tilting his head. "One moment." He stuck his claw into his ear again, fiddling it around inside his head like he was rummaging through a toolbox. "I need to turn my emotions back on."

Not a word was said in question of Mork's statement, though one of them took some more notes. A small gleam appeared in Mork's eyes, and his smile grew even wider as he pulled his claw out of his head. 

"Simon says, 'Make me laugh,'" he said.

"Yes!" Pinkie shouted, dashing over to him. "I've got just the joke for you. You're gonna love this one, ready? A train leaves Ponyville at 6 AM travelling at eighty hoofsteps per second on its way to Canterlot."

Mork went straight into a fit of laughter, holding his stomach as he walked around her. "Good one."

Pinkie turned around as he walked off. "But I didn't get to say the punch line."

"It's okay. I've heard that joke before. Besides, it's faster this way."

"Huh?" Pinkie asked.

"How about you?" Mork asked, walking up to Applejack. "What do you have for me?"

"Uh, knock knock?"

Mork laughed again, this time so forcefully that he fell onto his back. "Knock knock? There's not even a door." 

"I guess, but that ain't exactly 'ha ha' funny." 

After Mork calmed down, it was Sweetie Belle's turn, and he was back on the ground after catching sight of the 'humorous way her tongue moved'. Then he gave the rest of them a chance. Rarity lectured Opal as her cat made a desperate leap for his shoulder, Silver just stared at him in fear and disgust, Celestia raised an eyebrow at him, and Diamond asked if she looked like a clown to him. All of them got the same uproarious reaction out of him as if laughter had become his new language. As he fought for dear life to regain his composure, it was time for the last player to fulfill the objective.

"My turn," Shooting said, teleporting between Mork and Diamond, a pink vial of liquid in his magic. "This oughta do the trick." Before Mork had time to lose control again, Shooting shoved the vial into Mork's mouth and tilted it up. He didn't pull it away until the there was nothing left in the glass.

"Don't you think that's a little excessive?" Rarity asked. "There's a good chance he would have laughed if you had just shown it to him."

"Well, when else am I going to get to show off the essence of the Element of Laughter?" Shooting asked. 

Celestia gasped, looking to Mork in concern as he lay on the ground in silence. "Shooting, you didn't."

"What's going on?" Twilight asked, walking up to look at Mork herself. "What did he do?"

Mork's lips were wobbling like gelatin as sweat splashed off his face like a sprinkler system. Then the laughter exploded out of him, his mouth the size of his entire head, his voice shrill, and his volume tremendous. Whatever ability he had to control his laughter before, it seemed there was none of it left.

"M-make it stop!" he said, barely managing to wheeze out the statement in between all his laughter. He rolled onto his stomach, repeatedly slamming his head into the ground.

"Shooting Star, you clean up this mess right now!" Celestia shouted.

"R-right," Shooting said, summoning a vial of gray liquid. 

"But Shooty," Pinkie said, standing in his way, "he didn't say 'Simon says.'"

Shooting's bushy eyebrows curved downward. "Are you kidding me?" he shouted, forcing Pinkie back. "I'm not letting my prized specimen laugh his brains out to win a foal's game. Even I'm not that crazy." He teleported over to Mork with his vial in tow.

"Wait," Twilight said, teleporting in between them before he could administer the second potion. 

"Throw me later, Uptight. I've got to give a sick creature his medicine."

"I—I know. It's just…" She turned to Mork, biting her lip before saying, "Give us back my crown first."

"Twilight…" Celestia said, a tremor of shock in her voice.

Mork wheezed, his laughter momentarily interrupted by a lack of oxygen. His voice hoarse, he whispered, "I can't." He glanced at the others. "It's not safe."

"Why not?" Twilight asked, but her only response was a deep breath followed by more laughter and spittle.

"Stand down, Snarkle," Shooting said, pushing her aside. "No one comes between me and my favorite toy."

Twilight looked at him. "What?"

"It's okay, Mork. This should make things less hilarious." He turned over the vial, letting the contents fall into Mork's open mouth. It took another half of a minute, but eventually Mork finally calmed down.

Gasping for breath, Mork leaned up and placed his claw on Shooting's shoulder. "Thank you," he said, his voice still fairly rough. "You're out, but thank you."

Shooting wrapped his hooves around Mork. "Just don't let me scare me like that ever again. I've got too much gray hair to let anything happen to you."

He pulled away and teleported to the side, and Twilight reluctantly followed him. After catching his breath once again, Mork stood back up and faced the remaining players.

"I believe I set my sense of joy too high," Mork said, digging his finger in his ear."I need to recuperate, so I will let you all choose the next command again."

"How about Simon says, 'Take back this crown I stole from you?" Twilight grumbled.

"Let's just do somethin' simple," Applejack said. "Put yer hoof on yer nose, stand on two legs, chase yer tail, you know, normal stuff ya say in Simon Says." 

"Understood." Mork glanced around the playground until zeroing in on the tetherball pole. He pointed to it. "Simon says, 'Don't be the last to touch that pole.'" 

Pinkie, the only one to respond with any urgency, pantomimed a lasso and pulled herself straight over to it, gleefully slamming her hoof against it. After processing Mork's request, Applejack, Sweetie, Rarity, and then Silver raced over to touch it themselves. After Silver made contact, she turned back to the two ponies who had yet to move.

"Diamond? Aren't you coming?" she asked.

"You go ahead," the princess said, looking down to Diamond. "I wouldn't want to ruin your fun."

"Oh, no, Princess, I insist. After you," Diamond said, extending her hoof toward the pole. "Who am I to cause a princess to get out?"

Celestia raised an eyebrow. "But didn't you say you didn't want to quit in front of the princess?"

"I'm not quitting!" Diamond paused and cleared her throat. "Your Highness. I just...I don't want to touch that pole."

"If the both of you refuse to move, I'm afraid I must follow standard protocol." Mork raised his finger and pointed over to the pole. "You, Silver, you're out."

Silver leapt back. "How do you know my name?"

"Why is she out?" Applejack asked. "She touched the pole."

"Yes, she did," Mork said. "Last. If you recall, that was what I specifically said not to do."

"But they didn't touch it at all!" Silver shouted, reeling as she remembered who she was pointing at. "No offense."

Mork shook his head. "I never said you had to touch it. I said you couldn't touch it last. You touched it last. You're out. Thank you for playing."

"Wait a second." Applejack said as she and the others rejoined Diamond and the princess. "I thought the rules said y'all couldn't tell us to do something unless everypony could do it. Ya can't run a race without somepony comin' in last."

"That's a good point, Applejack," Rarity said. "I should have known you'd try to cheat us, Mork."

"Chea—" Mork's left eye twitched. "Cheat? I'm afraid you are mistaken. If none of you touched the pole, you'd all be safe, as none of you would have touched it last. The command is very much within the scope of the rules." He placed his claws behind his back again and smiled. "Please refrain from any baseless slandering of my person."

"Oh!" Pinkie shouted. "You're a really, really bad piano player."

"Ya bought yer mom socks for her birthday," Applejack said.

"You turn into a wolf at night," Sweetie said.

"Your best friend is a giant cockroach," Diamond said.

"I don't think you can juggle," Celestia said.

"You never brush your teeth," Rarity said.

Mork's eyes narrowed as his smile relaxed into nonexistence. He dramatically turned and pointed to his left as he shouted, "Look over there!"

Reacting to his shouting and pointing, Applejack and Rarity each placed a hoof on one of Sweetie's cheeks, keeping her facing forward. Their actions caught Diamond's attention, but fortunately for her, it was in the opposite direction that Mork was pointing.

"Nice try," Applejack said, "but we're not gonna fall for something that—"

"Opal!" Rarity lifted her cat off the ground, suspending her to her right. "Honestly, I know Mork cast some sort of spell on you to make you like him this much, but surely you have some self-control left." She turned forward again to face a wide-eyed Mork, his arm still pointing to the side. "Oh, for the love of—" She planted her hoof into her forehead. "Would you mind if we tried that again?"

It didn't sound like that ridiculous of a request, especially for such an informal game. However, whether it was that ridiculous or not, it was apparent that Mork had a problem with it. Otherwise, his head probably would not have exploded.

It all happened so quickly. One moment his head was there. A second later, it popped like a bubble, leaving only an empty space in its place. However, before anyone could ask the body if it was okay, it reached down its shirt and pulled out a new head resembling the original one. The only differences from its old head were the pimple being on the opposite side of its nose and the look of shock and agitation.

"No!" he shouted, flailing his finger at Rarity. "No! No! No! No! No!" He was distracted from his pointing as several golden scraps of paper descended in front of his face. His eyes widened as his expression turned to full anger.

"No!" He spun around, throwing his arms up as he walked away, continuing to shout the word over and over again. He made it to the slide and gave it a kick, recoiling at the pain and falling over. Then, he stopped shouting, rotated away from them, and pulled his knees up to his chest.

"He's certainly a stickler for his rules, isn't he?" Rarity asked.

"Does this means the game's over?" Sweetie Belle asked. 

"No way!" Pinkie shouted. "I'm gonna go see what's wrong." 

"You?" Shooting asked. "If anyone should do that, it's me. I'm the one who learned his language."

"I don't think either of you need to go," Applejack said, pointing past them. 

"Princess?" Twilight asked, watching Celestia slowly making her way over to the slide.

"Don't do it, Princess!" Diamond shouted. "It'll turn you into one of its kind!"

The princess flashed her another smile as she continued forward. "I think I'll be okay." She walked right up to where Mork was lying. He kept his back to her, and he said nothing as she drew closer to him. "Mork, is everything all right?" she asked.

He took a moment to respond. "No."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

He said nothing.

"Is there something I can do to help?"

Silence.

Celestia sighed and leaned down to whisper in his ear. "Can you believe how many Blanks there are here?" 

He urgently jerked his head back toward her, looking at her with wide eyes.

"So it's true." Celestia knelt down beside him, lighting up her horn to create a magical barrier around them. "Tell me quickly. Are there any in here with us?"

He eyeballed the forcefield and shook his head.

"Then allow me to get right to the point. Mork, I know you don't think highly of me, but right now you are an extremely valuable asset to me. I am a ruler facing a foe that I have no idea how to face. I've spent the past few hours searching the most obscure sections of my libraries for information about these creatures, and I've yet to find the slightest mention of them. I understand you can't tell us what you're planning to do about them where they can hear you, but can you tell me? Right here? Whatever you're planning with this game, I would very much like to help you with it. Will you let me?"

He opened his mouth, then looked up at the alligator on her head. He remained silent.

Celestia double-checked her forcefield. "Please, Mork, whatever your opinion of me is, don't let my subjects pay the price for it. I know I'm still essentially a stranger to you, but I also know you truly wish to help us defeat these Blanks from the bottom of your heart, and even without the Test of Harmony spell I can tell you aren't a villain. So what do you say? Can we work together to defeat them?"

His wide-eyed expression turned sour, and he faced away from her again.

"I see. You still don't trust me. Is there anything I can do to change your mind?"

Without looking back, Mork tossed his arm at her and opened his claw. "Shake my hand."

Celestia looked at his glove and then at him. Shutting her eyes, she regally raised her head and said, "Very well. If that's what it takes." She lifted her hoof and placed it on his glove. The second she did, he clamped it shut like the jaws of a shark and slowly moved it up and down. With a manic smile on his face, he slowly rolled over to look up at her.

The princess was smiling back, showing no physical discomfort with his aggressive handshake. She opened one eye to look at him and leaned forward. "I'm out. Is that what you were about to say?"

His smile only a distant memory, Mork pulled his arm away and pinched his eyes shut, cupping his claw in his other claw like he had just stuck it in a fire.

"I understand," Celestia said, dropping her forcefield as she turned away herself. "Thank you, Mork."

"What did he say, Princess?" Twilight asked as the princess came back over. 

"He just needs a few minutes to collect himself. Then he will be ready to play again."

"That's it?" Twilight asked. "That's all you asked him about?"

The princess smiled. "Calm down, Twilight. I think we've all been taking Mork a little too seriously. Why don't we take a moment to—" The princess paused as a scroll manifested in front of her. "That's odd." She opened it up and started looking over it. As she read, her smile began to fade.

"What's it say, Princess?" Twilight asked.

"Twilight, I need you to watch over Shooting." Celestia rolled up the scroll. "Make sure he doesn't cause anypony trouble." 

"What do you mean? What's going on?"

Celestia turned to the others. "I'm sorry, everypony, but I'm afraid I have to leave."

"Leave?" Sweetie repeated. "But what about—"

Celestia lifted Gummy off her head and placed her back onto Twilight's. "Just keep playing with him once he's feeling better. I promise he will give your crown back once you're done."

"But, Princess, how do you know that for sure?" Twilight asked. 

Celestia looked back at her as she spread her wings. "Twilight, do you remember when you told me that Mork was just a child?" She gave him another look. "You were right."

As the princess took off, Rarity called out. "Princess, wait! At least tell us why you're leaving!" 

She came to a stop in midair and grimly looked back one last time. "My sister's come home early. And she's not in the best of moods." Celestia turned away and flew off, reducing the group count to nine. 

"Great, now what?" Silver asked.

Twilight scratched her head. "I guess we just wait for—"

She stopped as something behind her caught her eye. A cloud was starting to manifest above Mork's head again. However, unlike the others before it, this one was much darker, and as it reached its full size, no image appeared across its surface. Instead, a torrent of rain fell out from its bottom, just like a genuine rain cloud. It poured down right on top of Mork and the area around him, and he didn't even sit up to notice.





If I ever said anything to suggest that Princess Celestia was anything less than an unquestionably malignant supervillain, I deeply apologize. 

I'd never seen anything like it. She'd pounced on me while I was down, picked me up, dusted me off, and dropped a safe on my head. I'd have been impressed if I weren't so utterly destroyed. I never knew magic was capable of that kind of devastation. No, that wasn't magic she used. That was much more powerful. That was psychology.

She pulled it off so flawlessly. She taunted me with that condescending tone and talk about me not being a true villain just so I'd get angry enough to try to eliminate her. Then she purposely fell for it, knowing I'd have a burning urge to see the look on her face when I tricked her. And when I did, she was ready with that soul-crushing look that my mother would give me when I told her a space alien broke the living room vase. It was the look of ultimate superiority, the look that assured me I was half a million seasons too young to actually fool her. Obviously, she wanted to get back at me for calling her pompous by showing exactly how much better she was than me, and unfortunately, she succeeded.

Meanwhile, my psychology skills had regressed to the point where I couldn't even pick out the main character from a group of nine. Had I really fallen this far as an antagonist? As a psychology major? What was wrong with me?

No, this wasn't me. Not this time. This was Diamond Tiara's fault. She was the one who ruined everything. She was the one who kept finding new possessions of mine to take from me. She took my hammer, my hat, my dreams, my minions, my rules, my goals of crushing her and leaving her an empty husk, she left me nothing. She was a parasite, draining away everything I hoped to achieve in this world and moving on like it was an average day of the week. If she had just betrayed me on that picnic like she was supposed to, none of this would have happened. Why did she have to volunteer to look after me? Why did she have to lose this game? Why did she have to compel me to fall into confirmation bias? Again? 

She had to be the second most insufferable creature to ever reap the benefits of oxygen, and the worst part was that since she was allied with the Blanks, all of her crimes would go unpunished. That was just how it worked with her kind, and as I sat up against the downpour from the darkened cloud above me, my thoughts were becoming more and more consumed with a single idea:

I hate her. I hate her entirely. I hate her hair. I hate her voice. I hate her false smile. I hate her false compliments. I hate her nonsensical obsession with clothing. I hate her house. I hate her pet. I hate her family. I just wish everything about her would vanish off the face of every smooze-accessible world in existence! 

"That's a pretty big statement for one horse, don't ya think?"

I didn't even look up. My patience was running on fumes, and I didn't want to waste any on the third most insufferable creature I knew. Of course, that wasn't going to stop him.

"Looks like the game's going pretty well," Devil Me said, leaning against my ear. "And hey, you even managed to give one command all by yourself. That's quite an impressive achievement."

What are you doing here? Are you seriously working overtime on a holiday?

"Oh, this is strictly a personal visit. So don't be surprised if your other shoulder feels a bit empty."

"Mork!" the white witch herself called out. "If you want to play your silly game, then stop raining on yourself and come back over here!"

"That's her, right?" Devil Me asked. "The Main Blank?"

We wish. She lost already.

"Then what are we waiting for? Let's finish the game and see who the real one is." 

I can't. When my head exploded, my rules went with it. I can't play with-ow!

Devil Me removed his pitchfork from my ear. "Don't give me that. You were doing just as poorly with the rules as you would without them. I mean, three out of four eliminations with non-Simon commands? That's just bad form."

"Mork!" Twilight said, bouncing up in front of me as Mr. Star appeared next to her. "Why are you just sitting here in the rain, silly? Come on, don't you want to keep playing?"

I flashed her my defective pause sign and looked up to Devil Me. What do you mean 'bad form'?

"Any Simon can get his victims out with a quick 'nod your head if you're ready,' or a 'give me a second to think of something', but that kind of play style is for inoffensive little sheep who can't handle being a real Simon."

Twilight grabbed my arm and started pulling on me. The rain was starting to wash the makeup off her face. "Let's go. You don't want to catch a cold, do you?"

What would you know about what a real Simon is?

"Because it's what you were, back before you started relying on those rules."

"Shooty! Stop drinking the rainwater and help me!"

What are you talking about? I've always used those rules to play Simon Says. 

"You gotta try it," Mr. Star said, his tongue hanging out of his mouth. "It's salty."

Devil Me crossed his arms. "I understand why you don't remember. After all, that was back when you first took an interest in psychology."

"What?" I shouted, pushing myself off the ground. I shook Twilight off my arm and grabbed hold of him. "You know about that? You've known all this time and haven't told me?"

"Huh?" Twilight took a step back. "Known about what?"

Devil Me turned away. "Hey, if you're not going to listen to me about the important stuff, why should I bother telling you anything minor like that?"

"No, that's not possible," I said. "You've never been interested in anything I like. Why would you actively remember something like that?"

"I don't know," Mr. Star said. "What do I remember?"

"Never been interested?" Devil Me pulled his hand out and slapped me across the face. "Don't you know who you're talking to?"

I let him go to rub my cheek. "Of course, you're the one who wants me to be evil. That's all you care about."

"What?" Twilight stomped her hoof. "No, Mork, the opposite. I want the opposite!" 

Devil Me slapped me again. "Have you really lost that much interest in psychology? Think, Think Tank. You studied all this stuff once, remember? My uniform may give me this devilish appearance, but I'm not your evil side. I'm your id, the raw manifestation of your most basic desires. Everything you want, I want. Everything I want, you want."

"Then why are you always insulting me? Why would I want that?"

"But I thought you liked the name, 'Mork'," Twilight said.

"Because you're just as sick of yourself as I am. Sick of agreeing with everyone, sick of doing what you're told, sick of that disgusting smile you put up whenever someone looks your way. You want to be a better villain, a real villain. You want to be a major antagonist, not one's maidservant. I'm just the part of you that's honest about it."

"What in the hay is going on here?" Applejack asked, she and the others approaching my cloud.

"Following orders is my job. That's why I'm still here, right?" I asked him. "Because of that letter you showed me?" 

"Your job?" Twolight asked. "You mean the one who wrote the letter sent you here?"

"What about you?" I asked. "You follow orders too." 

"Huh?" Twolight stepped back. "Well, yeah, but…"

"Only when there's something in it for me. If I were doing what I'm 'supposed to do', I'd be with Halohead right now, filling out the paperwork for you to be here. I can't live inside a prison of rules like that, and that means neither can you." He floated down and picked up a golden shred of paper that lay at my feet. "Lucky for you, your rules just got broken."

A bolt of lightning struck the ground right at my feet, making Twilight and the others jump back. Half a dozen more went off within the span of the cloud, scaring everyone else out of my radius.

"You're right! I am sick of it. I'm sick of all the do's and don'ts, the rights and wrongs, the morks and the mork morks, all that nonsense that tells me what I can't do. The Board tells me I can't go home, you tell me I can't be nice, reality tells me I can't adventure, and the worst part is I always listen! I go through all the drudgery, the homework, the pianos, the magic, all because it's the role I've been assigned. Well, I'm not an actor. I'm not putting on a show for anyone. I've barely even got an audience." I reached into my hammerspace and pulled out Twolight's crown. She gasped right on cue. 

"I didn't ask for this kind of responsibility. I didn't ask for any responsibility at all! I came here for adventure, not more work!" A stinging pain shot across my forehead as the lighting around me began striking in faster succession. "It's time I did what I wanted, and I don't want this crown! Take it back!" With one hand on my head, I pitched the crown with all my might straight to its rightful owners.

I had no idea how therapeutic throwing a crown could be. The second it left my hand, the pain in my head, the storm cloud above me, and the anger I was feeling all vanished as if I had thrown them along with it. Then, as I stood there catching my breath, drops of rainwater dripping off my hair and clothes, a new emotion stopped by to replace all that anger: sheer terror.

"Well, Mork," Diamond Tiara said, holding the crown in her magic. "I honestly don't know what to say."

"So, Mork," Devil Me said, "is that what you wanted?"

Poke me. Slap me again. Have my giant roommate walk in and eat me. Just do something to prove to me that I didn't actually hand that witch her victory like a special order of steak fries!

Devil Me shrugged. "What can I say? I guess you're a maidservant to the end."

"You see, everyone?" Shooting said, teleporting right beside me and wrapping his hoof around my neck. "I told you Morky wasn't evil."

I grabbed hold of Devil Me again and pulled him up to my face. "Back then, back when I didn't use my rules, was I better than this? Was I a real Simon?"

"You were the Simon," Devil Me said.

"Then show me." I opened my mouth, shoved Devil Me inside, and swallowed him whole.





Mork started trembling as he pulled his claw out of his mouth. He shook himself out of Shooting's grip as he fell onto all fours. His balance looked shaky, and he groaned as his legs gave out underneath him and he collapsed.

"Mork, what's wrong now?" Pinkie asked. "Don't tell me you caught a cold that fast."

"Do you need some smooze?" Shooting asked, tipping his straw toward him.

Mork grunted in pain as a pair of horns stuck out of his head. A sinister smile spread across his face as a pointed tooth forced its way past his lips, and all of his clothing not counting his gloves turned bright red. 

"Mork, is that...your true form?" Twilight asked. 

He stood back up on two legs, stretching like he had just woken up. "You can call this my better form." He turned his gaze toward Rarity, frowning as he caught her looking at him with a grand smile on her face. "What?" 

"I was just wondering." She cleared her throat. "If I forgave you for a few minutes, would you mind telling me the secret behind your color changing outfit?" She reached out to touch his shirt. "Is it some sort of magic cotton from your world?"

Before Mork could respond, he was interrupted by Shooting Star grabbing onto the pointed, red appendage sticking out behind him.

"So you do have a tail," Shooting said, giving it a tug. "And a retractable one, at that. So what purpose does it serve? And why is it so pointy?"

Mork poked Shooting in the forehead with it and pushed Rarity aside, taking the crown from her.

"Hey!" Twilight shouted. "Give that—" She was silenced as he slapped the crown onto her head.

"You're bothering me," he said. "I don't have time for losers."

"Beg pardon?" Rarity asked.

Mork grabbed Pinkie by the tail and dragged her along with him as he walked up to Applejack, Sweetie, Diamond, and Silver. He slid Pinkie over to them and pointed to Silver. "You, get lost."

"Oh, r-right," Silver said, backing away before scampering behind Twilight.

"Hey, don't talk to her like that," Diamond said. "Jerk."

"Why should it matter how I talk to her?" Mork said. "It's up to her if she wants to listen or not. If she didn't, she wouldn't have just been eliminated for the second time."

"You mean we're still playing?" Sweetie Belle asked.

Mork grinned. "What, you thought I was done?"

"So wait," Diamond said, "you just turned all evil-looking with the horns and the fang and everything, and you just wanna keep playing Simon Says? What's the matter with you?"

"Why would you even want to keep playin'?" Applejack asked, pointing over to Twilight. "You already gave the crown back."

"I just thought you wouldn't want to disappoint your princess. She told you to keep playing with me, right?"

"Yeah, Applejack," Pinkie said. "We can't stop now. The princess said so."

"Fine, we'll keep playin'," Applejack said, pointing at him, "but after we're done, you gotta tell us what all that ruckus with the lighnin' and the yellin' at nothin' was about. And I mean the truth."

"Oh, now you're giving the orders?" Mork shook his head. "I remember when Simon got more respect than that."

"Take it or leave it."

"How about this? What if I promised you that after this game is over, the Main Blank will reveal herself?"

"The what?" Diamond, Sweetie, and Silver said simultaneously.

"What, now you're some kinda fortune teller?" Applejack asked.

"A fortune teller?" Mork looked up at a passing star-shaped cloud. "Sure, we can go with that. After all, when you know as much as I do, it's not that hard to predict what's going to happen."

"And what exactly do you know?" Twilight asked.

Mork dug in his ear with his finger. "That's funny. I thought I heard a loser talking. Sure would be nice if it made friends with a muzzle."

"Now you stop right there," Rarity said. "What makes you think you have the right to talk to us like that?"

"It's called a lack of interest in your opinions or feelings. Now if you don't mind, I'm trying to make a deal here." He brought his attention back to the four remaining players. "Anyway, that's my promise. If you finish the game, I'll give you the Main Blank. How's that for a deal?"

"What's the Main Blank?" Sweetie asked. 

"It's the meanest, nastiest, evilest villain in all of Equestria," Pinkie said. "And we know absolutely nothing about it." 

"Sounds more like a joke if you ask me," Diamond said.

"This whole thing's a joke," Applejack said. "What's a game of Simon Says got to do with some evil creature we can't see that wants to wipe us off the map?"

Mork's initial response to her question was confusion. He narrowed his eyes at her and said, "I have a question for you, and Simon says to answer it. If a little girl and a giant snake got into a fight, who would win?"

"Does the little girl have snake repellent?" Pinkie asked. "And is she Fluttershy?"

"No."

"Then I'll go with the snake."

"How big a snake are we talkin' here?" Applejack asked.

"She can get stuck in its teeth."

"Yeah, ain't much a little girl can do against that. I'll say snake too."

"I couldn't even handle a normal-sized snake," Sweetie said. "No way I'm winning against one that big."

Mork turned to Diamond, who looked about ready to lunge at him. "And you?"

"Don't call me a little girl."

Mork smiled at her. "All right then. Let's keep going."

"But she didn't answer the question," Sweetie said.

Mork shook his head. "Clearly you didn't hear what she said. Now Simon says, 'Bring me an apple'."

"An apple?" Sweetie asked. "Where are we supposed to find an apple on a playground?" 

"I'll give you five minutes," he said, frowning as he looked at his watch. "Or so."

Sweetie, Pinkie, and Diamond looked straight to Applejack.

"What am I, the Apple Fairy?" she asked, the others continuing to stare at her. She sighed and took off her hat, taking one out. "I just got the one."

Mork's claw snatched it right out of her hoof, his overextended arm pulling it back over to where he stood. "And the rest of you?"

"Don't fret, everyone," Shooting said, taking off his own hat and shaking the gelatinous glob out onto the ground.

"What is that?" Diamond Tiara asked as it rose up into the air. 

"What, this?" Shooting said, shoving his hoof into it. "This is my pet, Smoozy."

"No help from losers," Mork said, glaring at him.

"Smoozy's never lost anything in her life," Shooting Star said, sticking his hoof inside it as if to pet it.

Mork rolled his eyes. "Fine, but I don't want to hear any more talking over there."

Shooting nodded and whispered something into the glob. At his command, Smoozy sprung to life, zooming away only to return a moment later. As it came to a standstill again, it spit out a hoofful of apples into a pile underneath it. 

"Wow," Sweetie said, her eyes sparkling as she bounded up to get a closer look.

Diamond was on the verge of vomiting as she clamped her eyes shut and covered them with her hooves, shaking her head as she chanted to herself, "Snot doesn't sneeze. Snot doesn't sneeze."

"All right," Mork said, pointing to the pile of apples. "Those will do."

Sweetie and Pinkie each grabbed an apple and gave it to him. Diamond, however, refused to move a muscle. 

"Giving up already?" Mork asked her. "This one was supposed to be a freebie."

Diamond's ears perked up at his question as she pulled her eyes away from her hooves. The anger in them faded as she gazed at the apples again, but she hesitantly made her way over to them. 

"You're givin' us freebies now?" Applejack asked. "I thought you wanted to win."

"Oh, I'm going to win," Mork said. "I've just got too many commands left right now for you to have a chance."

"Is that a fact?" Applejack asked, narrowing her eyes.

Diamond smacked the apple over to him like it was a hairy spider, and he reached down to pick it up. "Never thought I'd meet anyone squishier than Mork," he said, watching her attempt to lick her hoof clean. "Now then..." He put the apple behind his back and turned to Twilight.

Twilight put her hoof to her newly reclaimed crown as he approached her. "I thought you said you weren't interested in losers."

"I'm not," Mork said, snatching Gummy off her ear. He turned back to the group. "All right, everyone, it's that time again. I'm going to let you pick the next one. Only this time, give me a command involving Gummy here." 

"Now you're talking, Mork," Pinkie said, bouncing over to him. "I bet Gummy could use some lunch. Ask us to get him some food."

Mork lifted Gummy and dropped him onto Pinkie's head. "I don't know what Mork was thinking," he said, walking past her. "You're just as dumb as the rest of them."

Pinkie paused for a second. "Oh, shoot," She slapped herself in the forehead. "I should have known." She pulled her pet off her head. "You were in on this, weren't you, Gummy?"

He approached the remaining three. "Sorry to sully my technique like that, but Ruly Mork made such a perfect false sense of security for me. I couldn't let it go to waste."

"Well, don't expect it to work again," Applejack said. "You only got eight things left ta say, and don't think you can just—"

"Seven," Mork said.

"Seven?" Applejack asked. "That was number twelve by my count."

"Oh, you must not have counted the one I used to dupe your princess."

"What?" Twilight shouted. "No way. There's no way you could've tricked the princess."

Mork didn't even look at her. "You know, I was under the impression that it took brains to be in charge of something, but I guess that's only true if the subjects have brains too."

"Hey!" Diamond shouted. "Some of us do!"

"I'll bet she left because she was too ashamed to admit losing to my lesser self. I mean, there are some things you just can't live down."

"Now you listen here, bucko," Applejack said, poking him in the stomach, "I don't know how things work where you come from, but here in Ponyville we—"

"Simon says, 'compliment me.'"

Everyone went quiet.

"What's wrong? Don't tell me that's all it took to get you. I thought some of you had brains."

Applejack was fervently staring at the ground as she rapidly tapped her hoof. "You—you got—that was a good one."

"I like your...pointy tooth?" Sweetie said.

Diamond took the longest before finally saying, "I think you may be the most evil thing I've ever met in my life."

Mork's eyes widened. "Never thought I'd hear that. Ah well, let's keep going."

"Wait, didn't you hear me?" Diamond asked. "I called you 'evil.'"

"What do you want? A thank-you? I've got a game to run, Curdles, and I'd prefer to keep my momentum." 

"So you're admittin' that yer evil to us?" Applejack asked. "Is that it?"

Mork smirked. "Here, let me prove it to you. Simon says, 'Let me see your postage stamp.'" 

"Our what?" Sweetie asked.

"Your postage stamp. I want to see it."

"But I don't have my own stamp," Diamond said. "Not yet, anyway."

"Then the exit's that way." He pointed her toward the others. She scowled at him and slunk off. "How about the rest of you?" he asked.

"I still don't understand what yer talkin' about."

Mork groaned. "That little marking on your side. The magical one."

Applejack turned sideways. "You mean my cutie mark?" 

"That's what I said."

"Wait, you want to see our cutie marks?" Sweetie Belle said, turning to her side. "But I don't have mine yet."

"Cutie mark?" Diamond stomped up beside Mork. "You didn't say anything about a cutie mark." 

"Do you have to talk like that?" Mork asked, looking down at her. "I don't like hearing losers whine."

"Oh yeah?" Diamond turned to the side to proudly display her cutie mark. "Well, I don't like being called a loser by a much bigger loser." 

Mork narrowed his eyes at her. "Where did you get that?" She stuck her tongue at him.

"What about me?" Sweetie Belle asked. "I still don't have mine."

"Tough break," he said. "Better luck next time."

"All right, now I know yer cheatin'," Applejack said. "How's she supposed to show ya what she don't have?"

Mork rolled his eyes as he turned to her. "Oh, sure, accuse the evil guy of cheating. He can't just be good at the game or anything."

"Well, what do you call it?" Applejack asked. "You read those rules."

"She can get one, can't she?" He looked at Sweetie Belle. "Can't she?"

Sweetie Belle backed away. "Well, yeah, but—"

"Then you can show it to me. But you refuse, so you're out." He pointed her away.

"I liked you better without the horns," Sweetie dropped her ears and walked over to her sister.

"Funny, I liked you better with them. So, Applehead and Milk Dud, how does it feel to be the last two? Is it exciting? Terrifying? Humbling?"

"Twilight, do you think the princess would mind if I gave this guy a quick lesson in manners?" Applejack asked.

"I think she'd be more than okay with it," Diamond said, "as long as I can go first."

"Manners, huh?" Mork said, scratching his head. "I guess you two would be an advocate for those. How about this then? Simon says, 'Say something nasty.'" 

"That all ya got?" Applejack asked with a smirk. "I can think a plenty. First of all—"

"'About Apple Bloom.'"

Applejack gasped, then furiously narrowed her eyes. "Don't you even say her name."

Mork held up his broken watch. "Shorter time limit on this one. You have ten seconds."

"Give me ten years." Applejack turned away. "I've got nothin' left ta say to you." 

"Uh-huh." Mork rolled his eyes. "We all know you're going to say it eventually, so why not get it—" 

"She's a total scaredy pony," Diamond said. "She's been jumping and screaming for no reason all day. I couldn't even say two words to her without her flipping out. Honestly, I think she's gone a little cuckoo."

Applejack slowly turned to look at her. "Did—did y'all just insult my sister?"

Diamond tensed up. "Hey, don't look at me. That thing told me to. You heard it." 

"Yeah, and I also heard you, all day. And you never said one—"

She wasn't able to finish her sentence. Mork's euphoric laughter interrupted her. "So, Mork finally got the bejeepers to try and pull a prank on me, huh?" He looked straight at Diamond. "I don't like giving him credit for anything, but this one was actually pretty good. So how much did he pay you?"

"What are you going on about now?" Diamond asked.

"That much, huh? Then I've got another question. Are you having fun?"

"Fun? We're at school, stupid. Why would I be having fun?"

"You're right. I'm not having that much fun either." He turned away and strolled over to the tetherball pole. "So why don't we make this game more interesting? I've got three commands left. If you can somehow manage to overcome them, then I'll leave Ponyville and never come back…"

"Deal!" Diamond shouted.

"But if I win, you have to tell your dad you want me as your new pet."

A second hair jumped up out of Diamond's head. "No deal!"

"You can't force her to agree to something like that!" Twilight shouted. 

"I'm not forcing anyone to do anything." Mork smacked the tetherball around the pole. "But Simon says to take the bet, so if you want to admit defeat now, that's fine too. Of course, that would only be an issue if you're afraid you're going to lose."

Though she had been lost in thought, his last comment pulled her back into reality. "Fine, I'll take your stupid bet. Just try and get me out."

Mork smiled widely as he stepped away from the pole. "That's good." Reaching behind his back and pulling out a green toothbrush as he approached her. "If nothing else, this should be worth a good laugh."

"You see the stick?" he asked, waving it in front of her face. She snorted at him. He leaned back and threw the toothbrush at the school. It bounced off the wall and landed in the grass. "Simon says, 'fetch.'" 

Diamond's mouth fell open. She puffed her cheeks in anger, and pulled an aggressive about-face to go retrieve it. The others could only watch as she stomped over to it, grumbling to herself all the while. She picked it up in her teeth and carried it back over to him, spitting it out at his feet. "Let me guess. You want me to roll over and play dead too?" 

"No need to be upset," Mork said, taking the toothbrush back. "You'll be doing this to me soon enough."

Diamond bared her teeth. "Only if you're the stick." 

Mork crouched down to be at eye level with her and looked right into her eyes. "Yeah, you look like you're about ready." He stuck his thumb in his mouth.

"Ready for what? Your nappy?" 

Mork pulled his thumb back out, the entire thing dripping with slobber. "Simon says, 'be quiet.'" In one quick motion, he reached out and shoved his thumb right into her ear.

The entirety of Diamond's hair from head to tail sprung up like it was trying to detach itself from her body, and the next ten seconds looked as if her body was attempting to explode. She clamped her teeth down on her tongue and crossed her legs, refusing to make even the slightest peep.

"Really?" Mork twisted his thumb around. "This isn't your limit?"

As an aura of purple magic surrounded it, Mork's claw was pulled away from Diamond's head. "Get your thumb out of her ear!" Twilight shouted. "That's disgusting!" She had to turn off her magic to nurse her headache but refused to take her eyes off Mork. "I'm not going to stand here and let you bully this filly like that. If that's how you're going to play, this game is over!"

"Not yet." Mork turned around. "I've got one more command, the one that's going to settle this once and for all."

"Fine, but say it from over there," Diamond said, her hoof covering her ear. 

"No problem." Mork glanced over his shoulder. "Simon says, 'Say something nasty.'" 

"Again?" Diamond asked, trying to knock the spit out of her ear. "Out of creative ideas, are we?"

Mork reached out his arm and pointed his finger straight at Rarity's head. "To her."

"Me?" Rarity asked.

"Her?" Diamond asked.

"You're not serious," Twilight said.

"Is that going to be a problem?" Mork asked, looking to Diamond.

"N-no! I can do it." Diamond glanced at Sweetie Belle. "But why her?"

"My thoughts exactly," Rarity said, performing a double take on Diamond. "You can do it?"

"Because I picked her. Now what's it going to be? Are you going to insult her or should I go find your dad?" 

"Well…I…"

"Just stop it already!" Sweetie Belle shouted, running up in front of Diamond.

Diamond's eyes widened in surprise. "Sweetie Belle, what are you—"

Sweetie glanced back at her. "Don't worry, Diamond, I'll handle this." She faced Mork again. "You may think you know everything,  but you don't know the first thing about what you're asking. Sure, she can do some mean stuff, and she can say some mean things, but she's trying to move past that, to be better than that." 

"Better?" Diamond repeated.

"And, sure, maybe I used to think she was part vampire bat and traded her feelings for nicer hair. But I was wrong. She's just a normal pony like me or anyone else."

Diamond's eyes narrowed. "A normal pony?" 

Sweetie proudly raised her head. "Yep, and I'm sure Silver Spoon's the same way. Right?"

"Yeah, thanks," Silver said apathetically.

Sweetie pointed right at Mork. "You think just 'cause you're Simon everypony has to listen to you? Well, you listen to me, buster. Diamond Tiara's my friend, and I'm not going to stand around and let you trick her into being mean again."

Mork scratched his head, looking as if he was trying to process Sweetie's diatribe. As he did, Diamond tapped Sweetie on the shoulder. 

"Hey, Sweetie Belle," Diamond said. "Your sister made you that hat, right?"

"I most certainly did," Rarity said, beaming with pride as she walked up to admire it closely. "Isn't it lovely?"

Diamond smiled politely. "It's the most hideous piece of landfill I've ever seen on a pony's head. And I've seen hats made out of dirt."

Sweetie winced. "Oh no."

"What were you thinking with that size? Is it made for a pony or for two fully-grown dragons to sleep under? Also, who ever told you that flat-out nothing was a good decoration choice for a hat that big. And what's with the color? Every hack with a sewing machine knows that bold of an orange doesn't fit this time of the year. So where does that put you?"

"Okay, that's nasty enough," Sweetie said sheepishly, standing in front of her stunned sister. "You win."

"And you!" Diamond shouted, shoving her head forward. "You think I'd be a better pony if I were 'normal' like you and your stupid friends? I'd rather be more like your hack sister! You can't aim a slingshot to save your life, you eat like a pig that was raised by goats, your social skills keep trying me to convince me that you're half as old as you say you are, and if I have to hear you sing 'Hi Ho the Merry Oats' one more time I'm going to eat drying paint!"

Sweetie backed away from her. "But…we're friends now."

"And that's another thing. What kind of friend laughs at somepony when they get hit in the face with a watermelon? That's the thanks I get for helping you to get your cutie mark? Huh?"

"But you sounded just like—"

Diamond covered her ears. "Don't say it! I don't care what I sounded like. Do you have any idea how annoying your voice is? How would you like it if I went around laughing at you all the time?"

Applejack put her hoof on Diamond's head. "Take it easy there, sugarcube. Ain't no need ta—"

Diamond smacked it away. "But I put up with it. I put up with all of you, but you know what? You don't deserve my help. You don't deserve my friendship. And you will never get your cutie mark! Never, never, never!"

Sweetie Belle stood motionless, her legs stiff and her eyes wide. Her lip started quivering, her eyes turned moist, and she managed to squeak out one sentence before bursting into tears: "Scootaloo was right about you."

Her eyes heavy with tears, Sweetie charged off the playground without looking back, her sobbing turning louder the further away she got.

"Sweetie Belle, wait!" Rarity shouted, turning to Mork and Diamond. "I hope you two are happy with yourselves." She took off to catch up to her sister.

"Don't lump me together with that thing," Diamond shouted after her. "We're nothing alike!" 

"I should say not," Mork said.

Hearing his voice, Diamond twirled back around. "I win, right? I beat you?"

Mork smiled. "That's right. You win." He paused to chuckle to himself. "Main Blank."

Diamond's smile fell as quickly as it appeared. "Hey! I beat you! I'm supposed to call you names."

"Mork," Twilight said, looking at Diamond like she was a dormant volcano. "Why did you just call her that?"

"What do you mean?" Mork asked. "Didn't you see her performance?"

"How could I have missed it?" Twilight mumbled to herself. "But what does that have to do with anything? I mean, sure, it was harsh and all, but—"

Mork groaned as he threw his glove over his face. "Not the chewout. She won the game, and though I'm loathe to say it, I didn't hold back. Surely you can put two and two together." 

"I don't follow," Twilight said. "She won a game of Simon Says. You're saying that makes her the Main Blank?"

"I thought the Main Blank was supposed to be invisible," Pinkie said, touching Diamond's cheek. "She looks pretty in front of me to me."

"I said they were hiding in plain sight. I never said they were invisible. And as for the game, yes, it has to be her. Only the Main Blank could have won that game."

"Only the Main Blank?" Applejack said. "You mean you had all of us play because you were suspectin' it was one of us?"

"Even me?" Silver asked.

Mork shrugged. "Eh, I couldn't be too careful. I mean, look who it ended up being."

"But why could only the Main Blank win? There wasn't anything peculiar about that game." She paused as she thought about her words.

"The game didn't matter. It was the stakes."

"Huh?"

"See, this is why the Blanks keep eluding you. You have no sense of reality."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"When I asked you before who would win in a fight between a little girl and a giant scorpion..."

"You said snake," Pinkie said.

"Whatever. Not one of you answered correctly. If a giant snake and a little girl were to actually fight, there's only one way it could end: the little girl will win every time. Now can anyone here tell me why?"

"Because your noggin's stuffed full a sawdust?" Applejack asked.

"Innocence, cuteness, helplessness, unlikelihood of victory, the giant snake has none of these things, and when it comes to a serious, real-life battle, these are the only things that matter." He looked at Diamond. "It's the same with her. She didn't win because she's better than me at Simon Says. She won because she's more popular than I am."

"That's absurd!" Twilight shouted. "That's nothing how real-life works."

"Really? You've never seen it happen in real life? You've never seen good triumph over evil?"

"That's different," Applejack said. "Good always beats evil."

"Why?"

"Because evil…" Twilight paused. "Because evil doesn't...it's not as powerful as good."

"That's right. It never is, not as long as the audience says its not. It's that popularity that drives this world to motion. It gives the unlucky a lucky break, it gives the haughty some humble pie, and it gives little girls the power to take down even the biggest of snakes, no matter the odds. That's reality!"

No one really knew what to say to that. It seemed almost too ridiculous to acknowledge it was spoken by a living being. "Maybe the Princess was right," Twilight finally said. "Maybe we have been taking you a little too seriously."

"You'd better, because this is your only chance to defeat her." 

"Who, me?" Diamond asked.

"Defeat her?" Twilight looked down at her. "She's just a filly. What are we supposed to do? Put her in time-out?"

"Time-out, dungeon, stocks, I don't care. But you better do something. Otherwise, she'll be wearing that crown of yours by the end of the day."

"I'd never do that!" Diamond shouted. "Why would I ever wear something that you've been holding?"

"A question, Mork," Shooting said, teleporting back into the conversation. "If the Main Blank can't ever lose, how can we possibly defeat her?"

"You're listening to him?" Silver asked.

Mork smiled. "It's like I said. As long as she's popular, she can't lose. But after that little temper tantrum, her popularity's gotta be at an all-time low. That's the price she pays for her popularity. She has to work like a dog just to make sure she keeps it, and once she loses it, she's got nothing."

Hearing the familiar phrase, Twilight found herself unable to retort. And since no one else had anything to say, Mork had time to ask, "So what'll it be? Do you want to save your kingdom or not?"

"By locking up Dimey?" Pinkie asked.

"We ain't lockin' up a filly," Applejack said, pulling Diamond close to her. "End of discussion."

"I'm not talking to you," Mork said, looking to Twilight. "What do you say?"

"I've got a potion that can test his theory," Shooting said, holding up a glass of red liquid. "If you pour it on something that's not a pony, it'll melt." 

"Forget it," Twilight said. "We're done humoring him. Throwing somepony in a dungeon for winning a game of Simon Says is beyond ridiculous. Sorry, Mork, but we'll take our chances."

"Okay." Mork sat down on the grass and pulled out his toothbrush, dropping it in front of him. "Suit yourself." He pulled out a pen and stuck it into the dirt. 

"What are you doing?" Twilight asked, walking up to him.

He traced a rectangle around the toothbrush. "I'm doing what you refuse to do." He picked up the toothbrush as the uneven head of a mallet solidified over top of the brush. "I'm protecting your Elements."

With a quick flick of his wrist, he slammed the hammer right into Twilight's sternum, launching her off her hooves and through the window of the schoolhouse.

"Twilight!" Pinkie shouted, dashing over to the school's front door.

Mork stood up and turned to Diamond and Applejack. "Let's do this quick before your audience starts rooting for you again."

"That ain't happenin'," Applejack said, standing in front of her. "Not while I'm around."

"Deal," Mork charged her. Instinctively, Applejack turned around and kicked him in the chest again. He went flying back and rolled into the slide. "A kick?" he asked, standing back up. "Do you know how much slapstick I deal with on a regular basis? I barely even felt that!" He charged at her again only for history to repeat itself.

"I can do this all day," he said as he charged again.

"Applejack, what are you doing?" Shooting asked as Applejack kicked him away again.

"I'm tryin' to keep a filly out of the hospital." Applejack glared at him. "What are you doin'?"

"The hospital?" Applejack turned back to find Mork poised to strike. "Don't be so dramatic. I just need to make her eyes turn all swirly." Before she could get back into position, he brought his hammer down and smacked her aside, knocking her into the wall of the school.

"Applejack!" Diamond cried, the hope seeping out of her eyes as Mork's shadow loomed over top of her.

"Nothing personal," he said with a shrug. "Everyone here's just a moron."

Diamond turned to run, dodging the hammer just as he slammed it down.

"Yeah, that figures." Mork stepped forward to follow her only to get pulled back by something. He turned around to find a hatless Applejack with a bump on her head biting down on his tail.

"Don't...you dare," she said, her hooves planted firmly in the ground.

Mork replied by reaching behind his back again. "Your kind is always so stubborn." Applejack watched as he pulled out an apple from nowhere and took a bite. As his eyes lit up, his tail began spinning around like a desk fan, and he swung Applejack around until she was forced to let go. She went flying into the swingset, the force sending her around the top bar several times until she was tied to it, her eyes spinning from dizziness. "Now then," he said, jumping into the air. He landed right in front of Diamond as she reached the front steps of the school, the impact of his landing knocking her onto her haunches. 

She tried to turn and run again, but a shoe stomping on her tail snapped her back into place. With no desire to look up at his face, she put her hooves over her own face and waited for him to strike. However, when nothing happened, she felt compelled to peek.

"What are you waiting for?" Diamond asked, looking up at him just standing there, watching the clouds go by. "Do you want to see me beg? Because you might as well just hit me."

"I can't hit you with my hammer while my power food's still active," he said. "That'd just be cruel." 

Diamond looked up at his face, then at his foot. She tried to pull her tail free while he wasn't looking, but he was putting too much weight on it for her to get anywhere.

"So, what's the deal with you and the ice cream?" he asked. "Is it a year-round thing or do you switch to hot chocolate in the winter?"

Diamond's eyes drooped in annoyance. "It's not a thing at all. It's called bad—" 

"H-hey!" A voice called out to them.

"Silver Spoon?" Diamond asked, turning to see her friend standing in front of her.

Mork turned to her. "What do you want?"

A drop of sweat rolled down Silver's face as her entire body trembled. "I—I want you to stop." 

"That's great. Now go away. My theme's about over."

"N-no!" Silver said, trying to force some anger into her fearful expression. "Diamond's my best friend, and I...I won't let you hurt her."

"Well, clearly Diamond cares more about Sweetie Belle right now, so why don't you go bother her?"

Finding the anger she was looking for, Silver threw her head down, shut her eyes, and charged forward, screaming as loudly as she could.

"Silver Spoon, stop!" Diamond shouted, her protests doing nothing to even slow her down.

"All right," Mork said, winding back. "Don't say I didn't give you a fair trial."

As Mork's arm pulled forward to make contact, his trajectory was derailed as a stallion's head slammed into his side, knocking him off Diamond's tail and sending him rolling into the flagpole. 

Filthy groaned as he tried to straighten his back. "Looks like acupuncture only works for so long."

"Dad!" Diamond stood up and threw her hooves around him. "What are you doing here?"

"I felt like our quality time today got cut short. I heard you were coming to the school, but I didn't expect you to still be here. What's going on? Why was Mork about to tenderize you?"

"He's trying to play Whack-A-Mole with us," Silver said, pointing over to him. "Only, not the safe, fun version." 

Recovering from the collision, Mork stood back up and pointed his hammer at them. "All right, that's enough surprise—wait a second." He lowered his hammer. "Didn't you tell me you were punishing her?"

"Not with a hammer. And I don't recall giving you the authority to do so."

"But...she's the main Blank. She shouldn't get…"

"Stop calling me that!" Diamond shouted. "Dad, this thing's trying to say I'm some kind of invisible, evil thief or something."

"Well, don't worry. This time I mean it." He wrapped his hoof around her. "You'll never have to see this thing again."

Diamond rubbed her head against his tie. "I love you, Dad."

The front door to the school opened, and Pinkie came out with Twilight on her back. "Mork!" Pinkie shouted, staring angrily at him. "Twilight sprained her ankle because of you. What do you have to say for yourself?"

Mork was staring at the ground, his claws on his head as he sorted out his thoughts. "I mean, a lecture or a slap on the wrist maybe, but a lasting punishment? No, that can't be right."

"Mork!" they all shouted, startling him out of his mumblings. 

"What?" he asked, looking up to the swarm of fuming eyes all pointed at him. He raised his finger and counted them. "Hmm, looks like the window's already closed." He clapped his gloves together. "Congratulations, Blanks. Looks like this world's yours. You'll have to let me know how things go."

Mork's horns and tail faded away as his clothes turned blue again and he fell to his knees. Slightly disoriented, Mork stood back up to face the gang that was still staring him down.

A cheerful smile spread across his face. "April Foo—" Mork immediately found himself dragged across the playground face first via Twilight's magic. As he was lifted up into the air, he spit out the dirt in his mouth as he tried to keep up his smile.

"I've had just about enough of your games," she said, leaning up on Pinkie's back. "I know the princess saw something in you, but honestly I can't say what. Not only are you crazy, but your recklessness and selfishness is a danger to everyone around you. Plus, you're a total jerk."

"Does that mean it's volcano time?" Diamond asked excitedly.

"No," Twilight said. "It's time for you to uphold your end of the bet, Mork. You're going to leave Ponyville and never come back."

Shooting teleported into the fray. "Wait! Can't we—"

"No!" the rest of them shouted. 

"Smooze," Twilight said, snatching off Shooting's hat. "Take Mork home. Now."

The glob splashed into Mork and began to consume him, leaving him little time to react. He looked down as it covered his torso, then his legs, then his arms, and finally his head. Right before it consumed him entirely, he shut his eyes and said, "Mr. Rich, don't let Pinkie Pie—"

The smooze covered his head and took off like a bolt of lightning, and Mork was gone.

"Can I get a little help over here?" Applejack called from the swingset. 

"Sure thing, Applejack," Pinkie called, bouncing over to her aid with Twilight still on her back.

"Finally," Diamond said, falling onto her stomach. "It's gone."

"What do you think Mork wanted to tell me?" Filthy asked, looking up at the sky.

"I don't care," Diamond said. "Just as long as I never have to see—" A splash of liquid fell onto her head and she jolted back up, angrily looking up to find Shooting Star holding an empty vial over her head.

"Sorry," he said. "Just had to make sure."