Lost into Shadow

by Lucidenn


15) Attribute Training: Despair

“Despair is the price one pays for self-awareness. Look deeply into life, and you'll always find despair.”
~ Irvin D. Yalom, When Nietzsche Wept

If nothing else, from all of this Twilight had at least become a master of her own will. It took time, but slowly over the course of several days she took the raw power unleashed by the attribute of wrath, and through the force of her willpower shoved it into a single-target bottleneck. Fireballs no longer exploded in a nimbus around her, instead they became focused beams of plasma evaporating her target, and the next half mile of cavern wall behind it. Ice spells brought her targets to such low temperatures that she could walk up and breathe on them, and they would shatter in the wind. Even wind spells were affected, drilling perfect holes through anything she wished, or completely wearing her targets away to nothing.

On a whim, she levitated a large boulder over to the breakfast table, it seemed suitable for what she had in mind, the right size, plenty of carbon. Applying the attribute of wrath, the boulder became surrounded by a purple-black aura that slowly crushed it from all sides. As her telekinesis compressed the boulder with the force of ten tons, she simultaneously began to heat it up to temperatures around 1600 C. The boulder was a tenth of its original size now, glowing white-hot from the heat and pressure until finally it was released from her hold. Cooling down the impurities sloughed off under the relieved pressure, leaving behind a gleaming diamond core. Had to be at least 8 carats, the worlds first synthetic diamond, made entirely without having to break a sweat thanks to her mastery of the attribute of wrath.

Focus under pressure, clarity of thought when everything else around is chaos. It was this clarity that allowed her a new freedom of perspective, being able to view anything from multiple angles so that she could achieve comprehension. It allowed her to see the answer to Sombra's first question to her. "Why is the owl not evil?"

Why indeed. It had started as a pattern of emotions: loathing, contempt, hatred. Fluttershy would be quick in telling her that none of these would ever be felt by her animal friends. But ponies do. The owl is not evil because when it kills, it does so for food, for survival, because that is what owls are born to do. Yet the same fear inducing attributes are sources of dark magic, of evil for ponies. So it would seem that the difference between animals and ponies must be the key, the answer to the question.

Twilight strode to the crystal transport node on the bottom floor, Sombra would be waiting for her in the wrath chamber, ready to begin that day's training. Looking up she found herself stepping onto the wrath chamber platform already, her violet tail with stripes of pink slipping out of the crystal behind her like it were made of black fog. Interesting, molding the attributes of dark magic had become so easy for her that she'd aligned with them as easily as putting one hoof in front of the other now. That was a detail for another time however, Sombra was there, waiting for her, and she needed to see if her answer was correct.

"I know why the owl isn't evil."

Sombra cocked his eyebrow, but otherwise did not react. He merely waited for her to continue.

"It's consciousness, the answer is consciousness. What separates ponies from animals is that we have morals and ideas, and that our minds specifically split what is right from what is wrong. That's why negative emotions are the source of black magic, and positive ones the source of good magic. We created those definitions, and from our own consciousness magic is made."

"Then why are shadows so often associated with black magic, while light is the champion of good?"

"Those things aren't themselves good or evil either, we just associate darkness with danger and fear, and hence the harbinger of evil, just as we associate light with life and safety, which makes it a magical source for good. We shape the world around us with our awareness, and in doing so create the magic we know."

".....Correct."

Twilight let go of the breath she didn't know she'd been holding, she was right! But that raised new questions of its own.

"Ok, my turn then. If you have seen both sides, good and evil, and understood both so clearly, how can you have possibly chosen evil? I've seen your memories, but after knowing such truths about the world how can you still harbor so much hatred and evil intent?"

"Because Princess, I choose to. Knowledge is power, power is control. Control means I am untouchable, invulnerable. Control means that I will never endure again what I had to all those years ago. After what I have been through none deserve what was so freely destroyed for me! I am evil because hatred is how I was raised, how I survived, and how I conquered, and now I hate because I choose to. Nopony deserves what I can't have!"

His voice had raised to a passionate roar, his conviction and hatred pervading his words. Refusing to turn away, she looked him in the eyes and quietly asked. "But what if you could have it?" What indeed, would happen if Sombra could once again have love?

The look he returned was one of sad acceptance, one that said he'd forsaken such an idea long, long ago. "It is the path I choose to walk Twilight Sparkle. The question now is, what shall yours be?"

It wasn't fair, him turning the conversation back around on her like that, for it caught her off guard. "Of course I'm on the good si....."

"Can you be so certain?", he interrupted, "After all you only just now have realized the truth behind magic, behind what dark and good magic really is. You understand both now, while before you had only an idealized view of what had been spoonfed you your entire life. Can you be so certain that your views have not actually changed?"

"Well, of course I..."

"No, withhold from answering now. Since you've understood the final lesson, your training is all but done. Wait until you have walked through the town above with your friends and the ponies you've known for so long. Then you can truly comprehend what has changed, and what will always stay the same."

His tone was cryptic, as if he knew something that she didn't about herself, but she chose to ignore it for now. "You said that my training is all but finished, why is that?"

"I said that once you could travel the dark crystal without the assistance of the travel matrices that your training would be complete. Now that you understand the part that shadow plays in dark magic, not as evil itself but a friend and ally, you will be able to travel the dark crystals unassisted, and even complete your shadow form outside of the crystal network as well. There was to be one more attribute to learn, but now you have learned all that you need to understand."

It was done than, over, she could leave at any time she wished. She'd learned a great deal about Sombra, and dark magic itself. So why, why did she feel so disappointed? "Could we, perhaps, still go over the last attribute?"

Sombra smiled at her, she'd chosen to continue with training, even though she had the ability to leave and be done. She'd chosen to stay, and it made him inexplicably happy. "Very well Princess, the last attribute to learn is the attribute, of despair. To align with despair, think of all the hardships and enemies you've faced in the past. Remember what it was like to face them, and now be them."

Be that which she has despaired of in the past? Hmm, well the first time she faced despair was when Discord first broke free, and all her friends had forgotten their true selves and turned on one another. No matter what she had done, nothing got through, and even managed to make things worse. She did manage to find a solution, but still she had felt despair for that short amount of time. When else had she felt despair? Ah yes, when Sombra had been attacking the crystal kingdom, his door that had presented her with her greatest fear. She'd not only failed the test, but been kicked out by Celestia entirely in that hallucination. She'd felt abandoned, worthless, helpless. There was a pattern there. Twilight walked up to the crystal node, the final crystal node, and let her horn make contact with its cool surface. She was despair, untouchable, futile to resist, and overwhelming.

On the outside, her eyes exploded with pure green light, dark energy wafting so powerfully from her eyes that it trailed back behind her, at least a meter in length. Her body became a pony shaped lavender flame that darkened to the blackness of the void at her hooves and her wingtips. From her back sprouted a second set of wings, both burning with the magnificence of a violet phoenix. Her horn grew to triple its length, surrounded by the aura of black magic. Lastly, her mane and tail transformed into billowing shadow that moved inside a magical wind, almost like smoke from the flame of her body.

It was actually happening! True resonance! He was witnessing the birth of the Avatar of Despair, and she was glorious! The transport matrix quickly became overloaded and unstable, shattering the entire crystal node to pieces; but the force of Twilight's power had started to warp reality itself. Gravity was distorted and ruined around her, casting the pieces of crystal into strange and unpredictable orbits. The very rock of the platform they stood upon screamed in protest as its atoms shifted through the entire periodic table. And still Twilight grew in size and power as the resonance continued to build, now easily as large as Celestia herself and half again! One thought pervaded Sombra's mind as he began to cackle in ecstasy....

She was Perfect.

Meanwhile on the surface in Ponyville

All activity at demolition site 3C stopped as the element bearers dropped to the ground and covered their ears. The elements each still wore, as they had first promised to Twilight, were now flashing urgently and brightly in the midday sun as each emitted an ear-splitting screech of warning. From somewhere inside the library, the same screeching could be heard as well. Each of the 5 friends new that something was terribly wrong, and if they didn't get past the barrier NOW, well, they wouldn't let themselves think of the alternatives.

Somewhere in Equestria, a dozing draconequus woke with a start, his body wiggling like a rubber snake in the hands of an overly exited toddler. "Oh, oh my. That can't be right at all..."

Meanwhile in the Crystal Kingdom

"There, that's the last one", said Celestia as she finished etching the final symbol into her niece's specially designed necklace. On the right hand side there were 5 inscribed lightning bolts, and on the left stood three elaborate circles. "Now all that's left is to set up the perime...."

She stopped suddenly eyes widening in horror. Luna too, felt...something, something wrong. "Sister, doth though feel this strange sensation too?" She never answered, instead Celestia threw open the locked doors to their experimentation chamber, to find a messenger practically buried in scrolls. "Sorry to disturb your royal highnesses! I know you said to not disturb you under any circumstances, but there seems to be some kind of emergency in a town called Ponyville. Something to do with a Twili..."

Celestia disappeared in a flash of solar energy: emergency, Ponyville, Twilight, her Twilight. Please don't be too late, please.

Meanwhile, inside of Twilight's mind

As soon as she had aligned with despair, Twilight felt something click inside her mind. With a rush her surroundings dissolved and she found herself standing upon a small rock plateau in the midst of an ocean. The water was strangely splotchy, glowing with motes of light in some places, and murky inkiness in others. She remembered this place, its where she went to remove Sombra's seed of thought, her own mind. It should have alarmed her how much of it was swirling with darkness now, yet for some reason she could only summon a detached curiosity. Peering over the edge of her rock plateau, she met her reflection face to face in the murky waters, and her reflection met her back. With a desperate hooves her reflection broke through the surface of the water and sought purchase on her rock. Before long Twilight stood facing Twilight, though the second one for some reason was but a simple unicorn still.

"Twilight please! You must stop this! Look around you, at what you are becoming! The dark forest is out of control down there. Please! Help me stop this, help me take the ocean back!"

"What a strange reflection you are, hardly complete though since you lack my wings. What are you?"

"I'm you, a projection of how you still see yourself. A studious unicorn that loves books, learning, and her friends above all else. I protect you from the Dark Forest below."

Now, the words began to fall out of Twilight's mouth on their own, it was almost like she had no more say on what it was she articulated. She was but a passive, emotionless observer to her own body. "What is this Dark Forest you say you protect me from?" she said with a blank, emotionless stare.

"It's your inner darkness Twilight, our fears, our anger, and the strongest of all."

"Which is?"

"That which has grown only more powerful now because of you, our despair" Reflection Twilight shivered, as if speaking the word itself made her fear for her life.

"Is not my inner darkness a part of who I am?"

"Yes, but its out of control now, and I can't protect you from it anymore!"

"Perhaps your protection is simply no longer necessary?" Reflection Twilight physically blanched at this and Princess Twilight strode forward purposefully, "It's a part of me just as you and the rest of the ocean are, what if what I really need is protection, from you?" Reflection Twilight was teetering on the edge of the rock now, eyes filled with confusion and desperation. The ocean around was almost completely filled with inkiness now. "Please don't do this, please, for your friends don't do this!"

Princess Twilight pressed her face right up to her reflection, and said the next words with that same flat, emotionless whisper. "You know what happens when you cage the beast?" Reflection Twilight's eyes filled with pain and fear as black tentacles burst from the water and wrapped themselves around her limbs and throat, cutting into the flesh with how tightly they squeezed. "You only make it angry." Reflection Twilight's chest ruptured as several black tendrils pierced through her back and clawed their way back out through her rib cage. Emotionless, Princess Twilight watched as the tendrils dragged the corpse back down into the murky depths.

Twilight's bedroom

With a shriek that rang through the ears of every living thing, the Element of Magic gave one final shudder before losing all color and shattering into pieces. Everyone and everything that heard it, whether they understood or not, found their hearts filled with a sense of dread, with a sense, of doom.

Demolition site 3C

The elements of harmony gave a final shriek and then stopped as suddenly as they had began. Their lights dimmed to barely a glimmer, and hung like ice upon each bearer. From the sky dropped Celestia in a beam of solar radiance, and in the same instance, she took upon her the power of her star, and unleashed it upon the barrier keeping her from getting to Twilight. The force field folded like an egg shell as the solar beam destroyed it completely, and tunneled deep into the ground beneath the library from the excess energy.

Interrupted from his ecstatic cackling, Sombra cried out in surprise and pain at the unexpected interruption. Celestia's magic struck Twilight full on, casting the shadow of her original form behind her. Meanwhile, Twilight still in her mindscape found it engulfed in a painful, blinding light. It was all consuming in its luminescence, and broke the endless cycle of resonance with the attribute of despair. Blinking rapidly, Twilight staggered to her hooves, noticing that she was aware again of the real world around her, and none other than her beloved mentor was standing there to great her.

"Sombra, What have you DONE!

Her precious student stood shakily before her, the same beloved Twilight she held so dear, except for the burning green eyes that marked the use of advanced black magic.

"Can't you see for yourself Celestia? I've enslaved this weak whelp's mind for my own purposes. I've place my dark influence inside of her and now she's slave to my will!"

Twilight, already disoriented from having been blasted out of alignment with despair and the sudden appearance of Celestia, was quickly growing more and more confused. He walked in front of Twilight, as if he were protecting her from Celestia as he finished calling her his slave. Even more confusing was how Sombra turned his head to Twilight, and then winked at her! What was going on?

"You scum!" From the right side of her necklace, one of the five lightning bolts glimmered with the aura of her horn. With a slight pop it came free and transformed into a lance of arcane light. Twilight's eyes widened, it was a physical spell-form, and when she looked closely she could see the hundreds of thousands of symbols and diagrams that composed it. She didn't get a chance to study it anymore though, as Celestia plunged it forward.

Sombra dodged to the side, presuming he was the target. He was wrong. Twilight blinked in surprise as the spell-lance passed through her chest, leaving her unharmed. It even had a warm tingling feeling as it passed through, though suddenly she was absolutely exhausted.

"How dare you! A spell that destroys my darkness, it shouldn't be possible! How dare you think to take my slave from me!"

The world was definitely taking on a fuzzy tinge now, it was harder and harder to stand, she was just so, so tired. Just before her whole world faded to black, she watched Sombra barely dodge another lance of light, dissipate into his shadowform and escape through the cracks in the walls.

"Hold on my student, hang in there. You're safe now, you're safe...."