//------------------------------// // 28-Oswald // Story: The Life of a Non-Brony // by BronyWriter //------------------------------// Ah, ‘tis a lovely morning. A lovely morning indeed. I ruffle my wings to stretch them out and hop from the backpack to the bedside table. From here I have a clear view of the kitchen where my mother is making breakfast for the two of us. A meal of eggs, fish, and toast. A veritable feast! My mother's cooking has vastly improved from the time when I was first a chick. Somehow I thought that mothers were supposed to regurgitate worms and other such insects for their brood, but my mother has never done so, choosing instead to hunt our meals. I cannot complain, save for the fact that the first meal she attempted to provide for me could have spelled the end for me already. ‘Twas not something befitting proper digestion. I fly over to the counter and observe mother's food. It seems that it shall soon be ready, something that sits very well with me. I admit that I feel the normal grumble in my stomach that I often have upon awakening after the darkness puts me to sleep. No matter. Mother does well in providing for the two of us. She is often hard at work caring for the ponyfolk that inhabit the town where mother has chosen to make our ornate nest. Mother notices that I have landed next to her, and she scratches my head feathers in the manner that I have come to enjoy so. I nuzzle her shoulder, and she laughs. I love my mother's laugh. It's oddly masculine, I'll admit, but I am aware that my mother is of a different species than I. Tis likely normal for females in the far off land that Mother hails from. "Morning, Oswald. You sleep well?" Indeed I did, Mother. My rest was uninterrupted by anything that may be malicious in the darkness. I hop from the counter onto Mother's shoulder. I take it we have you to thank for that. You are indeed fearsome. Mother chuckles and takes the pan of eggs and fish off of the stove. She distributes the eats 'mongst two plates and takes them to the table. She sits down, allowing me to hop off of her shoulder to my plate. We both dig into our food, and I discover that it is as good as it has ever been. Mother does do a wonderful job of caring for me. Once our breakfast has concluded, Mother takes a few moments to put our dishes in the sink. I stay at the table and observe her doing so. I would help, but, well, I attempted to do so once, but it was admittedly not a successful endeavor. However, Mother was quite prompt in putting out the fire, so there was no real harm done. With our morning meal completed, Mother went to complete her morning hygienic routine. Once that was completed we were off. ‘Twas an unfortunate reality of our situation, but I was being raised by a single mother. She did not have a mate to call her own, which was something that I think she was pining for. Maybe that's why she spends so much time with that nasty stripe maned brute that struck her when Mother did nothing more than give a friendly greeting. Still, they seem to enjoy each other's company now, and I trust that my Mother knows best. Still, I would be quite upset if my mother did take the pony for a mate, only to find herself in an abusive relationship. For the time being, though, Mother is cordial to her, and so I shall be too as a dutiful son. She should still beware. The stripe maned mare could still be a wolf in sheep's clothing. The two of us exit our abode, and I feel the warm sun wash over me, heating my feathers and rejuvenating me. Fire bird that I am, the sun brings me great joy. When Mother took me on our great journey, we went through a densely forested area where the sunlight was sparse. I did not care for such an experience, and relished the precious few moments where the light-giver shone through the trees. Well, it is time for Mother to begin her work for the day. We start at the building in the center of the pony town. Town Hall, I think Mother calls it. She has gathered cleaning supplies, and will work to make the windows sparkle. I take a place on a nearby railing, and Mother sprays the window with cleaning fluid. I must confess that I originally thought that such fluid might have a pleasurable taste to it. I quickly discovered upon sampling it that I had erred in my assumption. Mother was amused, but I vowed to never make the same mistake twice. Of course, I surmised that I could have erred in thinking that it wasn't pleasing. Of course, it is feasible to imagine that I sampled it once more, just to be sure. I learned that some things should not be tested more than once. Well, Mother's workday passes without incident for a few hours. She cleans Town Hall's windows fairly easily, and she goes to some other small job. I'm not not quite sure what that job would have been, because it turns out that her progress was halted by somepony large flying in on a chariot that matches her considerable size. Ah yes, the white devil. Were she not the bringer of my glorious sun, I would not treat her with the same level of cordiality that I treat the stripe maned pony. This one I can tell mother has clear disdain for. ‘Tis not something that gives me much cause for shock. This horrid creature struck Mother on the head with her own weapon! Mother is quite hardy in that the blow was not very effective, but that matters not. Still, I am surprised that Mother would continue to interact with this nasty pony. Why, even now Mother is walking up to her to presumably greet her. I do not like it. Not one bit, but she seems cordial enough at the moment. She doesn't seem inclined to strike my mother once more, at any rate. "Celestia." Mother inclines her head to the white pony. "What brings you to these parts? Discord acting up again?" The white pony laughs and shakes her head. "No, nothing so dreadful, TD. I'm merely coming to visit my student." Ah yes, Discord. I remember that rogue. That mismatched thing that some mad scientist stitched together, no doubt. He's living with the yellow bird pony now, if I recall correctly. He is occasionally antagonistic to Mother, something that gets me in a state of choler. Even he doesn't strike my mother like the white and stripe maned ponies do, though. Mother and the white pony are still chatting, however. Their conversation is their own, so I do not disrespect them and listen in. I instead look at the chariot the white pony arrived on. It's quite a marvel, and very ornate, something that-- Wait... Wait... What's that thing resting on the side of the chariot? It looks like... A she-phoenix! Ooh. I must admit that this does catch my interest. I have yet to come across a she-phoenix before. I must admit that I have pined for such a meeting. I'm not getting any younger, and I'm sure Mother would appreciate some grand-chicks. I take wing and land next to the she-phoenix, who gives me a bored look but otherwise doesn't acknowledge me. My goodness. What does one say to the first she-phoenix one has ever met? I can't even begin to think. This isn't something that I am a master of; talking to females. The only female I really converse with is my mother, which hardly gives one proper experience when dealing with someone your age. Well, there's nothing else for it. I cannot stand here and stare at her all day. Hello there. The she-phoenix gives me another bored look, but does not respond. My name is Oswald. Oswald Q. Phoenix, but my mother merely calls me Oswald. That turns her head to me. Her eyes glance over at my mother, and I can see a trace of amusement in her air, but she still does not respond. What is your name? Philomena. She finally gives me attention and a name! What joy! You're an odd fellow, aren't you? Well, I'd hardly use that adjective to describe myself, but I suppose that I can be just as odd as any. I look back to the white pony and Mother, both of whom are looking at the two of us. They both seem rather amused, but they don't appear to object to my attempting to converse with her. I look back to Philomena. So, your name is Philomena. Such a lovely name. I suppose it is. Encouraged, I scoot an inch closer to her. I like you! Drat, Oswald! You are doubtlessly moving at a faster pace than she is comfortable with! A pox upon my slippery tongue. I must choose my words more carefully if she deems me worthy of a second chance at her affections. At it stands, she's looking at me like I've lost my mind. She may not be far off from the mark. Curse her beauty for making me take leave of my senses. Er... She tilts her head. Are you okay? You seem rather nervous. YES I'M FI...! Uh... I take a deep breath and ruffle my wings. I mean, yes, I'm doing well, thank you. How... how are you doing? Okay, I guess. "Well, it seems that our phoenixes are getting along swimmingly, TD," the white pony says with a grin. Mother nods and crosses her uppermost appendages. "It looks like it." "I suppose there isn't any harm in allowing them to spend time together while I meet with Twilight." The white pony takes a few steps towards us and pats Philomena on the head. "What do you say, Philomena? Would you like to spend the day with Oswald?" Er... Philomena regards me suspiciously, and I give her my best, most confident smile. Sure, I guess. Wonderful! I spread my wings and look in the direction of Whitetail Woods. I have a most charming spot out in the woods where I can take you. Does that sound pleasing? I suppose so. Philomena spreads her own wings, and the two of us take flight towards Whitetail Woods. We reach it in a few minutes and fly a little ways in, landing on a tree branch in a small clearing near the edge. I smile and give a contented sigh. It's quite peaceful, isn't it? Philomena looks around, observing the forest. Not a creature is in sight, and we hear nothing save the chirping of a few birds. Yes, I suppose that it is. You spend a lot of time here? I nod. Yes, it's my favorite thinking spot. I do love my mother, but all creatures need a little alone time. I can understand that, though I get precious little time with my mother. She's too busy with ruling a nation. Philomena raises herself to her full height and puffs out her chest proudly. Though how many beings can say that their mother raises the sun every day? None but me, I'll wager. I scoff. Yes, yes, I'm sure it's quite amazing. My mother doesn't do anything quite so grand. We lead a simple life, and that's the way we like it. Yes, about that... Philomena is giving me another of her quizzical looks. Is he okay with you calling him 'Mother?' I mean, that's a female term, isn't it? Now it is my turn to look quizzical. Yes it is. That would mean that it is right for me to call her my mother. I fail to see why you called her the other way. Um... because your "mother" is male. Believe me, there's nothing female about him. Er... are you quite sure? Hmm, this was a perplexing observation indeed. She was there at my birth. She was the first creature I saw. Does that not make her my mother? Not if he's incapable of giving birth to you. I see a hint of a smirk in her eyes that I don't quite like. I'm not saying he's not your parent, but he's definitely male. Can't be your mother if he's male. Male. My mother is male? Well then that would make him... My father! Oh... Well, that's a strange turn of events indeed. Now that I reflect on the matter, that would explain the... genitalia. Well, this is an unexpected realization for me. I shift nervously on my tree branch and stare down at the ground. Do you think this will change our relationship? I cannot imagine that it will, but I cannot be sure! I do not think that I can look at her... er, him the same way anymore! Philomena snorts and rolls her eyes. Oh give me a break. It's not that bad. You're being dramatic. I snap my head up and give her my best glare. Well excuse me, but it's not every day that you find out that your mother was really your father the whole time! Yes, yes, I'm sure it's quite horrifying for you. You and your father will have to have a long heart-to-heart about why you've gotten his gender wrong for your entire life. Philomena shakes her head and looks around at the forest surrounding us. So until then, I suppose I can be here for you if it gets too much. I smile with my eyes and nuzzle up close to her. To hear her say that is a little calming, I must admit. I'm not sure what's going to happen between my mo... father and I now, but I do not see him as a petty being. I am sure he will understand my perspective and why I erred on the matter of his gender. I do appreciate that you are supportive of my feelings. Mayhaps this could be the start of a friendship between us. Could be. She looks back in my direction and gives me a pointed look. Though I take it that's not what you had in mind when you first approached me, is it? Well... I... I am ashamed to admit that I blushed a little bit. There was some truth to her words, but to hear my intentions laid out by her so bluntly was a touch jarring. One never likes hearing words of that nature. I guess that I had romantic intentions, if you would like the truth of the matter. I have never before seen a she-phoenix, if you do not mind me saying so. Yeah, I can kind of guess that. Philomena shrugs with her wings. I'm open to the idea. I don't see many he-phoenixes either. The only other one that I've had any kind of contact with is... Her eyes narrow, and she says her next word with an impressive amount of venom. Pee-Wee Pee-Wee? You mean the phoenix attached to that dragon the purple pony keeps around as a servant? Yes, she growls. Hmm. I fail to see why you dislike him so. I personally find him a fine fellow. A bit clumsy, perhaps, but I sense no trace of ill intent behind his actions. Oh yeah? You ever have a refrigerator fall on you and the only way to avoid it is to position yourself so that you go straight into the freezer? Goodness me, I can almost hear her beak grinding from here. Well meaning he may be, but that dolt is gonna burn down that library someday. Mark my words. Well I doubt that he will-- I don't wanna talk about Pee-Wee anymore. Philomena grunts and shakes her head. Not now, not ever. If I never see that dolt again it'll be too soon. She looks back in my direction. So, you want to have me as a romantic partner, then? I would find that agreeable. Okay. Go ahead, then. Er... what? I tilt my head and look at Philomena as though she has taken leave of her senses. I'm sorry, I may misunderstand you, but you don't mean... intercourse? Philomena groans and facewings. Yes I mean intercourse. What, isn't that what you wanted? But we've only just met! I ruffle my wings nervously. I-isn't this a little quick for that kind of-- Oswald? Just shut up and do me. Ah... yes. I gently clear my throat. Very well, then. No offense to the ponies, but Father did say to never look a gift horse in the mouth. * * * * Well, that was... rough, but certainly not altogether unpleasant. I take it that she was so quick to the idea because her mother never lets her leave the castle without supervision from herself. But, I cannot see any reason why I disliked the experience, though we did part ways soon after. She stated that I was "not too bad" and that we could repeat the experience when next we met. I told her that I found the idea agreeable, and she flew off to join her mother. I presume she will keep this interaction between the two of us, as will I. With nothing else to do, I take wing and fly back to my father. I see him on top of the roof of a local eatery repairing the roof. He looks up when I fly close to him and smiles. "Hey, buddy. You have a good time with Celestia's bird?" Yes, I'd say that I did. I sigh and shake my head. Though I will say this: we cannot live without females, but they do confound me so.