Dash of Humanity 2: A New Dawn

by Kaidan


6. It's About Time

It only took a couple experiments for Twilight to figure out I was under the effects of poison joke. The story about how I had consumed the weed was a little harder to figure out.

I had to give Twilight a step by step recount of the things I had done yesterday. We figured out I’d eaten the poison joke while grazing on flowers. It was relieving to know Pinkie hadn’t done this to me.

Twilight was concerned that I didn’t have somepony to talk to after all I’d gone through. I tried to convince her that I was sure Luna would visit from time to time, and that I didn’t need a shrink. We finally settled on me spending a day at the spa with Rarity. Once Twilight had handed me off to her friend, she got back to doing “princess stuff.”

Rarity was leading me down the street to the spa, where they kept the antidote to poison joke in stock. “Dawn you’ve got a lovely mane, you know that?” she asked. 

I glared at her. “Lovely? I’d rather have it unkempt and sweaty, like a stallion’s.”

“No need to get hissy, you’ll be back to your self soon enough. It’s too bad the poison joke didn’t improve your dour outlook on life at all.”

I followed her through the door of the day spa, where two well-groomed mares stood ready to greet us. “Rarity! Lovely to see you again. The usual?”

“Yes, just me and my friend. . .”

“Wind,” I interjected. “Pronounced ˈWīnd not Wind.”

“I’m Aloe, and this is Lotus.” The pony gestured to her sister.

“Oh, and darling,” Rarity put a hoof over Aloe’s shoulder and whispered. “We’ll need the poison joke antidote in the spa.”

“Really? Your mane looks fine.”

“It’s for him—her, Wind, but she’s a tad embarrassed.”

Aloe nodded. “Oh, no problem. We’ll get right on it.”

“Right this way, Wind,” Rarity chuckled at my improvised name. 

I followed her into the next room and saw several benches, oddly shaped and slanted. I watched her lie down on one, realizing it was some sort of massage table for ponies. I quickly got on the one next to her.

“You know, I should really thank you for bringing me here and doing more than just giving me the antidote.” I looked over at her as Lotus rubbed Rarity’s back.

“Please, it’s the least I could do. After all, you seem rather adept at getting yourself into trouble and I figure you might like a little girl time to chat about your problems.”

I cringed, shaking my head as my wings were massaged. “Please, I was, I mean I am perfectly happy as a stallion. . .”

[Come on, you’re really gonna turn your back on being a mare? Wasn’t I fun to hang out with?]

A voice in my head wanting me to bang anything phallic shaped? Of course, what could possibly be more fun!

[You’ll miss me when I’m gone, and so will Fluttershy! She totally would have banged mare-Dawn.]

“Ms. Wind?” Aloe asked.

“Hmm?”

“Did you want a hooficure?”

“Yeah, whatever.” I looked over at Rarity. “So is this how you get all your gossip? Invite ponies to the day spa and learn their secrets?”

She huffed, staring at me. “Really, Dawn, I would never betray a pony’s trust. I wouldn’t even betray it if your attitude was rubbing one of my best friends the wrong way.”

I raised an eyebrow as I tried to read her expression for some hint. “Really? Which pony thinks I have an attitude?”

“Tsk, tsk, I just said I’d never betray their trust. However, aren’t you concerned soon everypony will get rubbed the wrong way? I thought you’d be happy to have your life back, instead it’s like your first few days with Dash all over again.”

I looked down at my hoof as Aloe clipped it. The tools she was using looked rather odd. One of them was almost like a potato peeler, then there were the clippers, and some metal bits to scrape dirt out from under my hoof. I realized I had absolutely no idea how to clean hooves in the first place, so perhaps it was good somepony else did.

“Sorry, Rarity, I can get a little carried away sometimes, especially when I’m in a bad mood.”

“This is about more than the poison joke, isn’t it?”

Aloe picked up one of my back hooves and started clipping, the thick nails making loud noises as they were trimmed down. “Yeah, more of a matter of the heart and all. I mean, if I’m going to live here, it only makes sense I get a girlfriend right?”

“You mean a marefriend? Then yes, it makes sense.”

Aloe walked around and softly spoke into my ear. “Time for the spa, Ms.”

“Thanks.” I got up and followed her over to the indoor spa, which smelled strongly of lavender. Rarity and I wasted no time sinking into the hot water, as it felt heavenly. “So, what do I do if I’m not sure, and meanwhile one of the ponies I like is seeing somepony else?” There were some cucumber slices on the side of the spa so I started to eat them.

Rarity levitated a couple cucumber slices over to her eyes as she leaned back and relaxed. “Oh, have you told Dash how you feel?”

I spit my cucumber out into the water. “What?! Who said—I meant Fluttershy!” I was glad her eyes were closed as I could feel myself blushing and must have been as red as an apple. At the same time I could feel the water tingling and burning my skin.

“Darling, really,” Rarity laughed. “You’re lucky Dash isn’t good at reading ponies. Oh sure, I know you like Fluttershy, but somehow I don’t think you’re the type of pony she’s looking for.” She smirked slightly as she levitated a drink up and took a sip.

“Do you—” I glanced at her, certain she must somehow know Fluttershy likes mares, but unwilling to risk asking and potentially revealing such a big secret. “It doesn’t matter, Dash is with Soarin and I didn’t sleep with him just to turn around and break them up.”

It was Rarity’s turn to spit into the spa, which hopefully was well-chlorinated. I coughed, noticing my voice sounded more masculine, and felt a pressure growing in my groin. That was when I noticed my fur had reverted to its proper shade of cyan. This must have been the poison joke antidote.

“Dawn, you slept with Soarin?!” Rarity had removed the cucumbers to look at me.

“What? You say it like I wasn’t in a mares body at the time. That totally makes it not-gay.”

“Please, don’t be so uncouth.” She shook her head. “I could care less who you sleep with, I just didn’t expect such. . . chivalry from you. To go to such great lengths just to see Dash happy, you must truly care for her.”

I blushed again, only this time it was in my stallion body which made it that much more embarrassing. “Hey now, so how about the weather? I heard it’s gonna be, uh. . . sunny.”

She giggled and splashed some water at me. “I see how it is. Well, if you ever want advice my door is open, and I promise not to put you in a french maid’s outfit.” The way Rarity winked at me seemed to say that she knew I had been wearing said outfit with Soarin.

“Yeah, thanks, I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Oh dear!” Aloe shouted. She rushed over to the spa. “Where did Wind go? And how did a stallion get in here?”

“Relax, Aloe, this is Dawn.” Rarity pointed a hoof at me. “Wind had to leave so I invited him for the rest of the session.”

“Oh, well it’s rather unorthodox but you are my favorite customer.” Aloe winked and walked back towards the exit to the room. I could hear her hushed whispers in the next room to her sister about the stallion that had snuck in.

“So, Rarity.” I scooted over towards her in the spa. “You’re her favorite customer? Do tell, just what is ‘the usual’ she gives you when you drop by alone? You wouldn’t be eating pie with her, would you?” Her eye twitched and I began to laugh, slapping a hoof in the water.

“Why I never—the nerve! You’re truly a stallion with such a lack of etiquette! I’ve got half a mind to change you back to a mare right this instant. At least she had some decency!”

I stopped laughing, and put a hoof on her shoulder. “Relax, Rarity. I’ve got to work on my attitude, and you need to loosen up a little. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship.”

Rarity’s eye twitched again.


By the time I got out of the day spa I had been cured of the poison joke, given a mud bath, a sauna, another spa treatment, and had some kind of honey-shampoo rubbed through my fur to make it softer. To say I was a little excited to have two mares rubbing shampoo over my entire body is an understatement, and for once I genuinely missed being a mare. Their arousal was so much easier to hide, so long as nopony was around to smell it, that is.

I walked down the road towards my house when I noticed the birds had stopped chirping. Looking around there were only a couple ponies out and the wind had stopped. The first tumbleweed I had seen in Equestria appeared out of nowhere and rolled across the road.

That’s when Pinkie happened.

She landed on me from behind like a heat seeking missile, and hugged me. “Oh Dawn, I’m so sorry! I heard about the poison joke and I never would have messed with your salt shaker if I’d known. I looked all over for you to try and fix it, and then finally I went to Twilight because my Pinkie sense was all out of whack, and by the time—”

I stuck my hoof in her mouth, finally realizing why ponies seemed to do this to her so often. She could really get carried away, not to mention she’d just tackled me to the ground. “Hey now, it’s okay. I’m not mad, I mean I was at first when I thought you did it, but you didn’t. So can I get up now?”

Pinkie spat my hoof out and got up. “Okay! So, watcha doin’?”

“Uh, I’m walking home.”

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking, Dawn?”

“Well gee, brain, where are we going to find an amputee, a ouija board, and three pounds of tree sap?”

“Ponyville Retirement Home, Time Turner’s Trinkets and Oddities, and Maple’s Pancake House. Why?”

I stopped and looked at her in disbelief. So this is why it’s so easy for her or the crusaders to get into trouble. She’s a living directory for where to get all the kinds of things nopony in their right mind would ever need.

“Would you believe me if I told you it was a joke?” I asked.

“Yeah, but it wasn’t a very good one. Must be a human joke,” Pinkie said.

“Sure is.”

As soon as I started walking forward I saw Pinkie’s tail twitching in an odd way. Before I could ask her why that was, a cyan blur appeared out of the corner of my eye and knocked the wind out of me.

Moments later, the familiar face of Dash unburied itself from my ribs and looked down at me. “Dawn?! Are you okay?”

I grunted and tried to speak, but she was still sitting on my ribs. Things might not have gotten any worse, but Soarin landed next to us. “Nice landing, Dash. At least somepony broke your fall this time.”

“Hey, I don’t see you trying to do a sonic rainboom in a hundred yards from a standing start!”

Dash got off me and I brushed myself off. Luckily Pinkie was there to help me to my hooves, as the other two bickered about stunts. “Why is she always crashing into things? And why are those things often me?”

“I dunno,” Pinkie answered. “Maybe she likes how soft and squishy your ribcage is!”

I rubbed the sore spot on my side and winced. “Yeah, I really hope that’s not it.”

“Hey, Dawn,” Soarin said. He walked over with a cocky grin on his face.

“Hey, what?”

“So I haven’t seen you training any. You decide not to enter the Iron Pony competition next week?”

“The iron what?” I glanced over at Pinkie, then at Dash. “I just got here, if you hadn’t heard.”

“Oh, no problem.” Soarin waved a hoof dismissively. “You wouldn’t stand a chance against me anyway.”

I raised an eyebrow. Oh, so that’s how he wants to play this. A pissing contest in some decathlon. I shouldn’t rise to his bait. “Well, lucky for you I’ve got no interest in competing in any sporting events.”

“With only a week left to train the best trainer in Equestria couldn’t have gotten you ready. Then again, trained stunt pony versus a blank flank isn’t much of a contest.”

I took a step forward and was about punch him in the face when Dash protested. “Hey! I’m his trainer, and I could totally have him ready in a week!”

Soarin’s jaw fell open and he looked at Dash in shock. “This is the pony you’ve been teaching to fly? I thought you meant Scootaloo!”

“Yeah! Dawn here’s a natural, isn’t that right?” She looked back at me.

Naturally has two left wings, maybe. . . “I, uh, yeah?”

“Pfft, well it would be fun to have some more competition if you really want to waste time training him, Dash, but we’ve got the Wonderbolts show in Cloudsdale in three days.”

Dash laughed. “Hah, I’ve made the Cloudsdale run in three hours. You worry about your performance and I’ll worry about getting him on the winner’s podium.”

Oh nothing could possibly go wrong now. Let’s just piss off Soarin and brag about how I’m gonna kick his flank at some competition. “Thanks, Dash.” At least one of us is confident.

Soarin glared at me and snarled, and I gave him an innocent grin. “Come on, Dash, don’t want to be late for dinner. I’m awfully tired from flying in from Cloudsdale today, we’ll want to get back to your place early tonight.” He smirked, and turned to walk away.

Dash turned to me before following him. “Hey, I’ll see you tomorrow morning for practice, and no turning yourself into a mare to get out of it this time!” She laughed.

“If only it were that easy.” I turned to Pinkie. “So, what exactly is the Iron Pony?”

“Oh, it’s a series of races and events.” Pinkie pulled out some rope and began pantomiming them all. “There’s the lasso toss, bull riding, sprinting, tug-o-war, and more! Then at the end, we go on a nice, long marathon across the forests towards Canterlot in order to make all the leaves fall down.”

I shook my head. “You run a marathon to make the leaves fall down?”

“Yep!”

You know what, that’s not the craziest thing I’ve heard here. Not by a long shot.

“Alright, well I better be getting home.” I faked a yawn, and started to walk away.

“Okie Dokie Loki!”

As I walked down the road I reflected on my conversation with Rarity. There were dozens of eligible mares in Ponyville, and yet only two really caught my interest. One only liked other mares, and the other had already gotten a boyfriend. I was going to have to figure this mess out before it got out of hand.

For now, I still felt like I had earned some time to adjust to life as a pony. I decided to get a good night’s sleep and think about it, only to realize I had walked down the road back into town, and not to my house.

Twilight’s Library was just ahead of me and the lights flickered on as the sun set. I decided to go see what she was up to since I was already here, and thank her for fixing the incident earlier today. She had a very ‘skilled’ method of collecting data in her lab that I found quite enjoyable.

I knocked on the door, only to recall it was a public library so I let myself in. Spike shot me a confused look, before sitting back down and reading his comic. He probably wasn’t used to getting a break from his butler duties.

“Hey, Spike, Twilight home?”

“Yeah, upstairs, second door, private study,” Spike recited.

“Great.” I flew up to the second floor and went to the door in question, knocking three times.

“Who is it?” Twilight asked.

“Dawn, can I come in?”

“Oh, sure.”

I pushed the door open to find her desk covered in books, and a large map of the Crystal Empire on the wall. I didn’t need to think long before I realized what she was looking for. “Any luck finding Shining?”

“No. It’s only been a few weeks but nopony has seen or heard of him since Discord attacked the Crystal Empire,” Twilight said.

“I’m sure he’s still out there, I’ll help you look if you want.”

She glanced at me and smiled. “That’s very kind, but until I have a new grid to search, or some other clue, there’s nothing to do. He’s either hiding, believing Discord hasn’t been beaten yet and waiting for us to find him or. . .”

I frowned, finishing her sentence. “Or Discord got to him, trapping him somewhere. Well, I’ll get back home. I came at a bad time.”

“No.” Twilight got up and walked over, giving me a quick hug. “Thank you. It means a lot that you wanted to help me search for him. Stop by some other time and maybe I’ll have a better lead to investigate.”

“Thanks, Twilight, for figuring out the poison joke. I’ll let you get back to studying.” I turned and left the room, letting the door close behind me. As I left I said goodbye to Spike, and took to the sky.

I landed on my balcony and went inside, cleaning myself up and getting ready for bed. Bagheera was waiting for me and I laid down on the bed and pet him.

Before I could get any sleep I thought about the comment Rarity had made earlier. She had said they thought I’d be happy to have “your life back.” This wasn’t really my life, but a new one. I didn’t know why that bothered me so much, but part of me still thought of this as temporary. A part of me wanted to deny recent events, and resist settling into this life.

I stretched out and yawned, then flipped the pillow over to rest my head on the cool side.