//------------------------------// // V: This Isn't a Game // Story: I Should Have Never Bought That Pony // by Final Draft //------------------------------// “Look! They know each other!” Tiffany shouted. She picked Diamond Tiara up and brought her face to face with Rebecca’s pony. “Ew, gross!” Rebecca said, turning away from her cousin. “Keep your dirty pony away from mine.” “Did she just call me dirty?!” Diamond Tiara shouted, waving her hooves at the little brunette girl. Tiffany held on, but glared angrily at her cousin. Zack put his hand on David’s shoulder as they watched the two girls interact. “So, how much did you pay for yours?” he whispered. “I had to drop two G’s.” Two thousand dollars? David mouthed in surprise. Zack nodded and looked down to adjust his wrist watch (a Movado, of course). He looked back up and waited for David to say how much he’d spent on the pony. “She was, uh, around that,” David said quietly. “Come on, David. We’re both business men. Just tell me if it was more or less,” Zack coaxed. David looked around the apartment as if he’d find an answer written somewhere on the walls. He didn’t want to tell Zack he’d gotten the filly for free, because he knew exactly what he’d say. “Oh, there must be something wrong with it.” It was something he’d rather not think about, lest it actually be true. David looked in the gift bag he still held in his hands, and through the tissue paper, he could clearly see the Apple logo on a large white box. “Girls, put down your ponies and let’s get ready to eat,” Kristin said, stepping between the two girls. She looked over at David and smiled, then turned to Zack and did the same. “Princess,” Rebecca said, addressing her pony. “You stay away from that pony. We don’t associate with riff-raff.” Eleven years old and already like her mother, David thought to himself. The little pony snickered and nodded. Meanwhile, Diamond Tiara absolutely fumed and glared at Rebecca. Tiffany gave Diamond Tiara a sad look before going off to the dinner table. David could still feel Zack’s eyes on him and he turned to the big Bostonian. “Less,” he answered at last. Zack laughed and the two men went to sit at the table. The spread that Kristin and David had spent the day preparing was laid out on the table in a clean and organized manner. Zack and Jen took their seats and looked over it inquisitively, inspecting the food for flaws. Tiffany and Rebecca took their seats in the middle and started playing with their silverware. David stood at the head of the table and looked at his family and guests. “Well, um, thank you, Jen and Zack, for coming over. It’s always a pleasure seeing you,” David said, raising his glass. The couple gave him a nod and waited for him to begin complimenting them in some way. Instead he said, “Okay, let’s eat,” and sat down. “A bit lackluster,” Jen said, scooping mashed potatoes onto her plate, “But anything would be lackluster after the speech Zack gave last year.” The speech where he gloated for twenty minutes and all the food was cold by the time it was over? Yeah, hard to follow that one up. David thought as he scooped stuffing onto his plate. He finished making his meal and looked up. Everything seemed fine, everyone was happy, the food came out good, and his anxiety slowly started to ease. “So, Princess, how are you?” Diamond Tiara asked snidely. She truly didn’t care, but she felt she had to make conversation while the humans ate. From her spot on the couch, she looked down at the orange filly. “Didn’t you hear? I’m not supposed to associate with riff-raff,” Scootaloo replied, smiling and turning her back to Diamond Tiara. Diamond Tiara hopped off the couch and trotted in front of her guest. She was angry, but Scootaloo only found it entertaining. “Listen, blank flank, we’ve gotta get out of here” Diamond Tiara said quietly. “Yeah?” Scootaloo asked. “Do you know a way back to Equestria?” “Well, no, I don’t even know how Discord got us here,” Diamond Tiara grumbled. “Then I’m not going anywhere,” Scootaloo replied. “Besides, I kinda like Becky.” The pink filly scoffed and jumped back up on the couch. “We’re just pets to them, you know,” she said, looking up at the dinner table. “I still don’t trust any of them.” Zack cleared his plate for the third time and let out a contented sigh. “Kristin, the meal was excellent,” he said, rubbing his stomach; the buttons on his obscenely expensive Canali button-up shirt appearing under pressure. “I’m glad you liked it, but I can’t take all the credit,” Kristin said, smiling to her husband. “Well, then thank you, as well,” Zack said, nodding to David. All the plates were clear and Kristin stood up to fetch the cherry cobbler she’d prepared for dessert. “Why don’t we open gifts now?” Zack asked, looking around the table. “Right, good idea,” David said, standing up to fetch their presents from the bedroom. He turned to see the two ponies in living room were staring at him. Their big, colorful eyes followed him as he walked across the carpet. “I still don’t know what to make of that one,” Diamond Tiara whispered to Scootaloo after David shut the bedroom door behind him. “He acts like he cares, but I still don’t think I can trust him.” “Is he the one that asked all the questions?” Scootaloo asked. Diamond Tiara nodded. “This one,” Scootaloo pointed her hoof to Zack, “only asked one question when he showed up.” "What question is that?" "How much do they cost?" David stepped out of the bedroom and the two ponies stopped whispering. They looked up at him and waited for him to pass. He held three large gifts in his arms and he set them down carefully on the couch. With his arms free, he knelt down to address the ponies. “Are either of you hungry?” he asked. A laugh came from behind David. “Are you really asking them if they’re hungry?” It was his sister-in-law, and she appeared to be on her fifth glass of wine. “You’re its owner. You tell it when to eat. It needs to learn a set schedule, or it will never obey you.” That may work with a dog, but these are intelligent creatures. They can talk for God’s sake and I’m sure they can understand you, you insensitive bitch. David bit his tongue, but before he could reply with something less insulting, Zack said, “Don’t worry about Princess; we fed her before coming over. You might want to set some newspapers down, because she hasn’t gone all day.” “I know how to use a toilet,” the orange pony muttered. She looked up to David and then away quickly. “David, leave the ponies be and bring the gifts over,” Jen said, sloshing a bit of her wine onto the table cloth. David gave the ponies one last look before standing up and grabbing up the presents once more. “To Zack,” he said, passing him his gift. “To Jen, and to Rebecca.” He took his seat and began cutting into the cherry cobbler while his guests inspected their gifts. “Oh, you should open yours first,” Zack suggested, setting the box on his lap. David looked at the bag he’d set next to his chair and picked it up by the handle. Zack watched patiently while taking bites from his dessert. David fished through the tissue paper and pulled out the latest Apple Ipad. “Wow.” David couldn’t say much else than that. He had actually wanted one for quite some time, but wasn’t willing or able to drop the $500 on it. “Thank you,” he said, setting the box on his lap. Must be nice to make six figures a year doing little to no actual work. “Kristin, open your gift,” Jen said with a devious smile. She started filling herself another glass of wine and watched her sister over the brim while she drank. Kristin reached down beside her and brought up the gift bag. She peered inside and rummaged through the tissue paper. “Oh,” she said. Her cheeks turned scarlet as she removed a box containing three hardcover books. “The Fifty Shades Trilogy, wow.” “They’re amazing, you’ll love them!” Jen exclaimed. She laughed for a bit and kissed her sister’s cheek. Tiffany looked around impatiently. “Can I open mine now?” she asked over the noise. Kristin set down her new erotic novels and grabbed her digital camera. “Okay, you can open it now,” she said. Without any hesitation, Tiffany reached into the bag and removed the gift. “A Nintendo Wii!” she exclaimed. She jumped up and down excitedly while her parents just looked to Zack. “Thank you, Uncle Zack and Aunt Jen!” the little girl shouted. “You’re very welcome!” Zack said. He returned Kristin and David’s looks and lowered his voice. “We bought Rebecca the Wii U, so we figured; why not pass her old games on to her cousin?” “You’re too kind,” David said flatly. “Well, it’s going to be hard to follow those gifts up. Why don’t you just wait until you get home to unwrap yours?” *SLAM* Everyone at the table looked up to see the bathroom door had slammed shut. Scootaloo still sat in the living room, but Diamond Tiara had disappeared. There was a long silence that was finally broken by the sound of a flushing toilet. The bathroom door opened and Diamond Tiara trotted out. She stopped when she saw everyone was staring at her. “What?” she asked nervously. No one answered her question and she began to feel very uncomfortable. “Did it just use the toilet?” Jen asked at last. “That is so disgusting!” "Ew, your pony is so gross!" Rebecca chimed in, pointing to Tiffany. Diamond Tiara ran from the confrontation and into David and Kristin’s bedroom. She dove under the bed and refused to even peek out at her hecklers. "I'm not going in there after a horse did! It's probably destroyed!" Jen said, trying not to throw up. “Maybe we should get going,” Zack said, standing up. “It looks like you need to deal with your daughter’s pet.” Jen clumsily stood up and signaled for her daughter to do the same. Tiffany remained seated, clutching onto her game console like it may be taken away from her at any moment. Kristin and David looked at each other and Kristin went to block the door. “Are you sure you have to go so soon?” Kristin asked, watching as they put on their jackets. “It was nice, but we need to get going so Princess can take care of her business properly,” Jen said, eventually getting frustrated with her jacket's sleeve and allowing Zack to assist her. Rebecca picked up her orange pony and joined her mother. “Say goodbye to your cousin, Rebecca,” Jen instructed. “Goodbye, Tiffany. Have fun with your dirty pony,” Rebecca said snidely. She looked down to her own pony and said, “Come on, Princess, let's go home where it doesn't stink.” And with that, Jen, Zack, Rebecca, and her pony left the apartment. Tiffany stood up to join her parents and looked to them sadly. “Daddy,” she said, tugging at her father’s pant leg. “Did Diamond Tiara do something wrong?” David walked into the bathroom and inspected it. Nothing was wrong; there wasn’t anything out of place, and everything was just as clean as when their guests had shown up. “No, she didn’t do anything wrong,” David said, stepping out of the bathroom. He walked into his bedroom and peered under the bed. He could see the pony’s blue eyes staring at him angrily from in the darkness. “Go away,” she growled. “I don’t want any of you things near me!” “Diamond Tiara, I—” “Why do you bother calling me by name? All those others did was call me it,” she shouted angrily. “I’m just a pet to you!” The shadows of Tiffany and Kristin moved over David as they stood in the doorway. Tiffany put down her gift and got down on her stomach to look under the bed. “Diamond Tiara, please come out,” she begged. “No, go away!” “David, I think we may have to get a kennel,” Kristin said, putting her hand on her husband’s shoulder. David just sat on the floor while the gears in his brain slowly turned. What have I done? I bought a living, thinking creature and made it my pet. Tiffany crawled on her stomach and toward Diamond Tiara. There was only so far the pony could go, and she soon found herself up against the wall. She contemplated bucking the girl in the face, but it wasn’t her she hated. With no more room to work with, Diamond Tiara could only watch as Tiffany got right up beside her. “Do you want to play a game with me?” Tiffany asked. Diamond Tiara scoffed. “What? Like fetch, or some other game you play with mindless pets?” “No, like bowling,” Tiffany said, looking to her pony seriously. “You have bowling too?” Diamond Tiara asked with one eyebrow raised. “Are you seriously going to take me to a bowling alley?” Tiffany laughed, “No, silly! We’ll play bowling on the Wii!” “What do you mean, play bowling?” Diamond Tiara asked, confused. “It’s just bowling. You can’t play bowing.” The little girl left her confused pony as she shuffled out from under the bed. “Daddy, can you hook this up?” Tiffany asked, holding her gift up for her father. David was still weighing his moral conscience when his daughter presented the game console to him. “What?” he asked, looking to his daughter. “Hook this up, Diamond and I want to play.” He took the box and opened it up. All the components, like audio/video cables, were included along with several games. “Uh, Kristin, can you handle this? I need to talk to Diamond Tiara,” he asked, handing his wife the box. “My husband needs to talk to pink pony hiding beneath our bed,” Kristin said, analyzing her current situation. “Yeah, sure, okay.” She walked out of the bedroom, followed close behind by Tiffany. David got onto his stomach and looked under the bed. Diamond Tiara was still bunched up against the back wall, and she turned from David. “How did you know how to use the toilet?” David asked quietly. The pony turned to look at him in disgust. “Are you really asking me that right now? What am I, a foal?” “I’m not sure what you are,” David replied. “Just work with me a little, okay?” Diamond Tiara scowled and looked away. “That night I bought—er—that night Discord took me to the warehouse, you and that other pony mentioned something called Equestria.” “Yeah, so?” “Is that the ranch or farm you’re from?” “It’s neither, but there are ranches and farms in Equestria.” “Wait, are you from another world?” “I don’t know, maybe,” Diamond Tiara said, looking David in the eyes. His gray eyes did not blink as he said, “I want to help you.” The filly couldn’t tell if she heard him correctly. “What did you say?” “You have a home, and it isn’t here. I want to help you get back,” David clarified. He reached his hand out toward the pony and waited for her response. “You…” Diamond Tiara paused, “You aren’t serious, are you?” David nodded and kept his hand held out. Diamond Tiara looked at it and then back up to the strange creature. Why would he want to help me? More importantly, can he help me? She hesitantly reached her hoof out and pulled back when it was millimeters from David’s hand. “Leave me alone for now. I’ll come out when I feel like it,” she said, crossing her forearms and turning up her nose. “You should fix me dinner in the meantime.” David stared at the pony in disbelief. Doesn’t she even want me to help her? He asked himself as he stood up. Kristin was staring at the TV in frustration as Tiffany waved a Wii-mote around. The screen was black and simply said HDMI 1 in the top left corner. Without a word, David took the TV’s remote from his wife and pushed a couple buttons. The TV went from HDMI 1 to AV 1, and the console’s home screen appeared. He returned his wife’s scowl with a smug smile and went to clean off the dinner table. While Kristin and Tiffany calibrated the console’s motion controls, he set aside a plate of cherry cobbler for Diamond Tiara. Not quite a cupcake, but he’d see if she still ate it. Kristin and Tiffany played a few games of Wii Golf while David sat at the table with his new Ipad. It was a good thing that Zack and Jen left before opening our gifts, David thought as he swiped his finger across the screen. Getting them gifts was a nightmare, because, really, what do you get the people who have it all? Zack will probably just throw the fancy cheese and smoked meat arrangement in the trash. Jen won’t even wear the blouse Kristin bought her. And if Rebecca is anything like her mother (and she is), she’ll get fed up with the mind puzzles and break them. The bedroom door creaked open and Diamond Tiara stuck her head out. She looked out and watched as Tiffany and Kristin made swinging motions toward the television. The strange characters on the screen mimicked their behavior. Slowly, she walked into the living room and made her presence known. “I would like to play bowling now,” she announced. Kristin was about to tee off and she jumped at hearing the pony addressing her. Her character on the screen flailed and sent the golf ball right into the rough. “Yay!” Tiffany cheered. “Mommy! Let Diamond Tiara play!” Kristin looked down at the pony and then to her controller. “How is she going to play without hands?” She lowered the controller and Diamond Tiara took it in her mouth. “I think she’ll manage,” David said from the kitchen table. Kristin stepped back to allow her daughter and pony to play the game. She sat down at the table with David and went to pick at the plate of cherry cobbler. David looked up from his Ipad and pulled the plate away from his wife. “That’s for Diamond Tiara,” he said, looking back down at his tablet. “David, you’re giving it too much freedom. You heard Jen; we need to be strict with it—” “Her. She’s not an it, she’s a her.” Kristin just stared at her husband, and he stared right back. “Okay, well where’s she going to sleep tonight?” David opened his mouth, but Kristin already knew what he was going to say. “She is not sleeping in Tiffany’s room.” “Why? She’s her pony.” “I don’t know if we can trust it.” “SHE says the same about us.” “Okay, David the Horse Whisperer.”