//------------------------------// // In which...he goes grocery shopping // Story: In Which Discord does stuff. // by Grey Faerie //------------------------------// Discord looked down at the infernal stain in his life. The stain was currently in the form of ink on a piece of paper. The ink spelled out words. The words were a shopping list...at the grocery store. "But Mrs. Cake, I hate the grocery store. I hate it on principle." He stated the last part after whining to her. "The principle of what? How about the principle of you buying all the ingredients for the pastries you ate? The ones you ate and didn't pay for by the way." She eyed him over her shoulder. He looked glum. "I can pay for it! Can't I just do that? Fair and square!" "I need some groceries anyway." "What about Pinkie! Or Mr. Cake?" "Pinkie is out on a delivery and my dear husband has been up since five baking bread for the morning crowd. You on the other hand," She pointed the rolling pin at him, "Are free at the moment. I might also add that you work here part time anyway." "But that's for free too! It's slave labor I tell you. Working me to the bone for nothing. I deserved those pastries as wages." He leaned on the counter. "It doesn't work that way Mister. It's more like your parole and community service. Now, take the kids.." she started. "Gaa! No, no, no. That's the last thing I want to do." He swung his arms around to show his point. "I hate grocery shopping and kids only make it worst. Besides, they aren't even cute babies you can shut up with a pacifier. They can talk." He leaned into her to whisper, a hand by his mouth. "Yes, they can and what a joy it is. Now take the kids and go shopping." She shooed him away with gentle swaths with the rolling pin. "Ehhhhh." Discord whined as he was kicked out the kitchen. He stood in the main shop floor and looked over to where the kids were sitting. They appeared to be playing some handheld game. The Twins had grown up by now to the age of five. Old enough to talk and ask questions, but young enough to not always know better. "Hey you!" Discord pointed sternly at them. They looked up and smiled at him. He did that often. "You! Are to come with me to the market." He opened and closed his extended claw at them. "Alright!" "What are we getting?" "Stuff!" He pointed at the ceiling. He started to walk out the door. "Stuffy stuff or stuff stuff?" Pound asked as they follow him. "The stuffiest stuff stuff. Actually, I don't know. Let me see. Ewww, it's boring stuff that gets turned into interesting stuff." "So it is stuffy stuff!" Pumpkin laughed. They walked in the afternoon sun to the indoor market. Pumpkin and Pound hopped besides Discord and pointed out different things in the shop windows. "Hey! Can we go there afterwards? Please? Pretty please?" "Well, I do like pretty pleases. They're so much better than ugly pleases. But only if we have time." "Okay." "Hey! Can we get some food afterwards too? Please Mr. Discord." Pound asked this time. "Only if we have time and you two behave yourselves." He chuckled. Mr. Discord was something he had gotten used to. Discord signed as he grabbed the cart. Pumpkin and Pound squabbled for a moment over who gets to wipe it down with the cleaning cloth. Pumpkin won as Pound had done it last time. Discord entered the place and eyed it like an enemy. He can't really explain why he hates the grocery store so much. He guesses it's cause it's so ordinary. Or because it's so orderly. Either way, it was a mundane task mortals participated in. Errands, chores, tasks. It's all beneath him. He's Discord, Lord of Chaos. God even as he is the very embodiment of Disharmony and well, Discord. He has no need for food or drink or sleep even. He.. "Will you stop fighting over who gets to bag the fruit? Pumpkin, Pound got to it first. No whining! You can get the vegetables and Pound gets the fruit." His face drooped into a comical frown. The only thing worst than grocery shopping was grocery shopping with kids. "But I don't like corn." Pumpkin whined. "Other ponies like corn. Maybe we aren't getting it for you." "But I don't like it!" "It's not for you! It's for everyone else." Discord pushed the cart to the bakery and deli. "Can we get a cookie? Please Please Please?" They both said. "Fine! Just one." Discord huffed as he push his way to the counter. "Excuse me miss, but can we have a free sample cookie?" He smiled charmingly at the lady behind the counter. She smiled back and looked at the kids. "Oh what cuties! Are you babysitting?" "I'm just getting them out of the house for a few minutes." He said off handedly. "Here you go. Chocolate chip. And one for your nice babysitter." She smiled at him. "Now what do you say." He said to them, but he was looking at the counter girl. He got no response so he looked down. They were stuffing their faces. He frowned. "Ahmem." They looked up and said thanks through the crumbs. He smiled back at the flirty counter girl and made a 'I'll call you' gesture as they walked away. I still got it. Discord made quick time getting the rest of the list. The kids were of help each getting one item and putting it in to the cart. They told Discord about another store that had mini carts for kids to push. He said he'll think about it. "Can I have this?" Pumpkin started the chain reaction Discord loathed the most. The asking for things. "Sure, but that's it. Pound, you can get one thing too. But only one thing, got it?" "Okay!" They both said. They both also asked for other things once he said they could have anything. Discord slumped his shoulders as he had to keep reminding them, No. Pumpkin eventually decided she didn't want her idea and instead wanted something else. She was very upset when he told her No, you already chose something and that's what you're getting. I'm getting this for myself. Discord thought as he put the bottle of Brandy in the cart. "Are you an alcoholic Mr. Discord?" Pound asked. "What!? Hell no. I just like the taste." Discord stared at him wide eyed. "But I thought all alcohol tasted like pee." Pumpkin pulled a face. Discord had to laugh. "Hahaha, no. That's beer. Now, now," He waved his hand, "Most alcohols are an acquired taste. It takes a while to be able to taste the favor past the tinge of the alcohol. You two don't have to worry about that until you're much much older anyway. Some ponies choose to never drink. Or only drink at special events like weddings or birthdays. Some are even allergic to it. It's your choice once you're old enough to drink to drink or not." "Are you sure you're not an alcoholic? You seem pretty grumpy to me when getting that. Most alcoholics are grumps." Pound articulated the word 'alcoholics' like most children would. Discord rolled his eyes, "Yes, that can be true. But some people just lead you to drink and sometimes I really wish I was an alcoholic." He said most of the last part under his breath. "Huh?" "Nothing. Now let's go check out." Discord hated waiting in line. It was so boring. He had to grab the kids every now and again as they keep trying to run around with impatience. "Can I get a candy bar? Please?" "I want a candy bar too!" "No, I said you only get one thing and I meant it." "One candy bar?" "It's small!" "No, now stop asking." "How about some gum? Don't you want some gum too? You can get some too." "No! I said you only get one thing and you chose one thing. Now stop asking." They started to tear up and whine some more. He scowled. "How's your day been? Oh, what cute kids. It's probably best not giving them too much sugar. Is this all?" Discord remembered the other reasons he hated the grocery store. For one thing, it made him feel pathetic and lowly. It's comparably the most mundane thing he could be doing. Looking through vegetables for the ripest one, reading food labels. The other thing was that everyone wanted to chat with him. He just wanted to get in and out. "My day's been just fine, thanks for asking. And yes, that is all now stop whining." He glowered at the kids. He tensed as he had to deal with the ugh, small talk from the older cashier mare. He quickly paid, grabbed the bags and left. "Can we have a quarter? I want one of the toys!" Pumpkin pointed to the coin machines that dispensed candy and small toys or plastic jewelry. He sighed. "Fine." Discord fished out the coins and gave them each one. Pound got a sticky hand and Pumpkin got a bouncy ball. "Don't lose those, got it? Pound, don't even try sticking that in your sister's hair, it'll stop being sticky sooner that way." Pound still insisted on flinging the end around too close to Pumpkin which made her whine. She had to run off to get her ball two times before Discord pocketed the thing which only served to make her complain loudly, pleading that she wouldn't do it again. She did it again. "You said we can got out to eat afterwards." "No, he said we can go to that store afterwards." "Only if we have time and if you're good. So far you've reinstated why I hate the grocery store." "What does that have to do with anything? I want some food!" "What about the store?" "We don't have time today. We can get something from a cart though." "But I wanted to go to the store!" "Don't whine so much! We'll go next time." "But why not now?" "Because we don't have time. Now, what do you want? A kebab or a taco?" Silly Discord, you don't ask a kid what they want. They'll want one thing, then the next, or something that wasn't an option entirely, then change their minds once they get what they asked for. Discord kicked open the store door with a loud clattering from the bell. It sounded like it was going to fall off the hook. "I have your children!" He announced. "Well you better." "Are you sure you wouldn't want some other kids? Maybe ones that didn't whine so much?" He put the bags down on to the kitchen table. "No, I would rather deal with my own than someone else's." Mrs. Cake started to put the food all away. She eyed the Brandy bottle which Discord quickly snagged. "What's all the commotion?" Pinkie asked. She had come down from her room and entered the kitchen. "Pinkie! My heart!" Discord threw himself at her and hugged her soft middle. He rubbed his face on her belly. "Never again." "Um, okay." He swept her up in his arms; the bottle still in one hand. "Let's go to Fluttershy's and you two can help me recover from my PTSD from the long and hard mission at the grocery store with, huh, small children." He was so dramatic at the end. "Okay, well I'm off anyway. I'll see you later Mrs. Cake, kids." Pinkie waved as Discord carried her off.