Main Characters: Rarity, Rei, Strawberry Soufflé/Stormy, Twilight
Cameos: TWP, TWP’s beard, Lucas, CMC, Silver Spoon
Original Write Date: November 16, 2011
Rarity and Rei are at a fancy restaurant as payment for Rei watching Sweetie Belle recently. They have just ordered. Rei takes in everything.
‘It is so good going out with a conversationalist,’ Rarity states, sipping her water. ‘Everypony I dine with seems either too shy or immature to hold a conversation for more than a minute.’
‘Thanks for having me,’ Rei replies. ‘I didn’t know I was going to get this good a deal.’
‘It is the minimum, uh, payment I have with Mr Wanderer.’
‘This is the minimum? I’d love to see what the max is.’ Rei looks around. ‘Heck, even the appetizers are great.’
Rei leans forward and bites a flower from the centerpiece. Rarity stares in shock.
‘Rei, dear, that is the centerpiece.’
Rei swallows. ‘Sorry. I am not used to places that have utensils other than chopsticks.’
‘How do you...’ Rarity shakes off the thought of chopsticks. She pauses to drink. ‘Anyway, thank you for watching my sister. I just get backlogged so easily, especially with all of the paperwork.’
‘It was my pleasure. I had a lot of fun. She isn’t as energetic as you said she was. We barely did half of the things I wanted to do.’
Rarity laughs. ‘So the rumors of your energy are true.’
‘Your sister is very curious, but I couldn’t believe she didn’t know what yaoi is.’
Rarity resists spitting her drink across the table. ‘Excuse me?’
‘Yeah, I couldn’t believe it either. So I taught her all about it as well as yuri and joso and futanari and...’
Rarity would have gone white if that was not her natural coat color. ‘Um... Rei... Sweetie is, was, a little too young to know what those things are. They were going to be explained to her when she was old enough.’
Rei grimaces. ‘Oops. Sorry.’
Rarity sighs. ‘N-no problem. She is back with our parents now. They get to deal with any of her further questions.’ Of course when she says where she learned those terms...
The waiter arrives, putting Rarity’s worries to rest. He sets a plate with a delicate arrangement in front of Rarity.
‘The house special, truffles over imported alfalfa with a side of roast tomatoes.’
‘This looks divine as always.’
The waiter nods to Rarity. He then sets a large bowl of greens in front of Rei. ‘And, sigh, the Queen for a Day All You Can Eat Salad.’
‘I hope you have round two in the back, because I am starved! Itadakimasu!’
Rei shoves her muzzle in the bowl and starts eating. Rarity is horrified. The waiter sighs and turns to leave, but Rarity grabs him.
‘Get me something strong to drink.’ A ‘thunk’ is heard as Rei’s muzzle hits the bottom of the bowl. ‘Make it a double.’ Burp. ‘Hurry.’
Midday. Rarity is heading to The Power Block to have a word with Rei’s guardian. She wears stylishly large sunglasses to hide the fact that she just woke up and is still a little light sensitive from her way of coping with Rei’s behavior the night before. Luckily, the shop is empty except for the pony she came to see. She goes right up to the counter to confront The Wandering Physicist. He is playing a handheld device.
‘Mr Wanderer, I must speak to you about Rei.’
The Wandering Physicist closes his game. ‘I’ll get my cheque book.’ He starts looking under the counter.
‘No, no. It is nothing like that. It is just that she has no class. She is very unladylike.’
The Wandering Physicist gets out a pen. ‘So... One hundred bits?’
‘She told Sweetie Belle about the topics we have been avoiding with her.’
The Wandering Physicist winces. ‘That won’t turn out well.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Currently at the Cutie Mark Crusader club house, Sweetie Belle is trying to convince her friends about her latest idea for earning their cutie marks.
‘Ah don’ know. That sounds a mite iffy,’ Apple Bloom protests.
‘Yeah. Besides, my dad says that it will lead to ponies wanting to marry box turtles or their video games or something really weird,’ Scootaloo adds.
‘We just have to try it once. Didn’t we say we were going to try everything?’
‘Ah guess.... Sweetie Belle, you go first since it was your idea.’
‘Fine, but one of you has to join in, too.’
Apple Bloom and Scootaloo look at each other. They both quickly shoot a hoof up to touch their nose. Scootaloo is faster, but she accidentally knocks herself in the head and falls over.
‘Ha! You’re up, Scootaloo.’
Scootaloo picks herself up. ‘Fine.’
Apple Bloom backs away, leaving Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo in the middle of the club house.
‘Cutie Mark Crusader Yuri. Yay?’ they say as they nervously lean in.
The pair quickly kiss then back away.
‘Eew!’ Apple Bloom shouts.
‘Is there anything back there?’ Sweetie Belle asks, too scared to look.
‘No.’ Apple Bloom answers.
‘Oh thank Celestia.’ Sweetie Belle breathes a sigh of relief.
‘I don’t know. I sort of liked it.’ Scootaloo blushes.
Both of her friends stare at Scootaloo in shock.
Scootaloo smiles at Apple Bloom. ‘Okay! Your turn to test it, Apple Bloom.’
Apple Bloom turns white.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
‘So as is the case with an uncivilized pony, I offer my services in teaching Rei in what it means to be an upstanding lady in modern society. Does that sound fair?’ Rarity offers.
The Wandering Physicist signs the cheque. ‘Great. Whatever. Here is one-fifty. You’ll know it when you need it.’ He slides the cheque to Rarity.
Rarity looks confused, especially since the cheque is dated for several days in the future. She shrugs and puts in in her bag. ‘Very well. I have no pending orders. Tell Rei to come by my place tomorrow after school for her first lesson.’ Pop music is heard. ‘Ooo! My phone. Excuse me.’ She levitates her mobile to her ear. ‘Heeellooo~~! Oh Applejack! So good to hear from you. ... She what? ... She what! ... SHE WHAT! ... Well, I can assure you that I told her no such thing. In fact, I know exactly which pony you should talk to about this...’ The upset unicorn turns to glare at The Wandering Physicist but finds Lucas there in his place.
‘Please don’t hurt me,’ Lucas begs.
The sound of a TARDIS dematerializing is heard from upstairs.
Rarity growls and lifts her mobile back to her ear. ‘I’ll have to get back to you about it. ... Yeah. It was her. I am working on that problem. Bye.’ She hangs up her mobile and replaces it in her bag. She turns to Lucas. ‘Tell your employer to expect Applejack to come calling soon.’
Lucas nods in reply. Rarity turns on her heels and marches out with her head held high.
The next morning Rarity is awakened early by a rapping on the door. She moans as she climbs out of bed and shuffles down stairs. She moves her eyeshade over her horn and ties a robe around her by the time she reaches the front door. After a large and unladylike yawn, she opens the door with as much of a smile as she can muster. Outside, she is greeted by the smiling face of her former classmate Cheerilee.
‘Cheerilee.’ Yawn. ‘What are you doing here?’ Rarity asks.
‘I was just coming to see if you needed any help getting ready for your first lesson, fellow teacher,’ Cheerilee replies.
‘Excuse me?’
‘Your special after school program.’ Rarity returns a blank stare. ‘On how to be a proper lady. You have a number of eager young fillies ready to learn.’
Rarity thinks for a moment. ‘Wait. That should have just been a one-on-one lesson. Not a whole class.’
‘But the mayor loved your idea so much that she quickly approved your class. So many parents signed their fillies up so fast, including your own.’
Rarity groans, knowing exactly the reason why Sweetie Belle was signed up.
‘So.... Do you want any pointers before I head off?’ Cheerilee offers. ‘I know some of my colleagues at the high school are willing to help too.’
‘Thank you. Right now, I just need some coffee.’
‘Okay. I’ll make sure to have the schoolhouse cleaned up for when you arrive this afternoon.’ Cheerilee starts prancing away. ‘See you later, fellow educator!’
Rarity forces a smile and waves. She quickly rushes back upstairs. She had turned her mobile off early in the morning due to an annoyingly large number of emails and text messages interrupting her beauty sleep. She quickly scans over the messages. Most of them are announcing students joining her new class or about the basics of hosting an after school program. The key one she is looking for is the very first one received.
‘Rarity. Sorry. This got little away from me. TWP. PS: The three hundred I gave you yesterday should cover it.’ the message reads.
‘That bastard.’ Rarity growls.
She then realizes something that she just saw. She gets out the cheque from the day before. It is identical except the amount is now three hundred bits. Rarity ponders how it could have changed as she heads back down to the kitchen to make herself the largest espresso she dares.
Rarity looks over her class in the minutes before she is required to start. There is an unusual gamut of ages sitting in the small schoolhouse. At one side, the Cutie Mark Crusaders are sitting together, obviously sentenced to this fate by their parents, given the furious messages filling Rarity’s voicemail. Scootaloo is even sporting a large shiner that she claims is from running into a tree as she chased Apple Bloom, but Applejack’s testimony does not match. Behind them are classmates Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara, obviously there to show their classmates that they are the better ladies. Next to them are four middle-school fillies. Most seem to know each other. Filling out the class are five older students from the high school. Front and center of them is the queen herself, Rei. She is beaming the biggest smile, obviously hiding some dastardly plot. At the back of that group is a magenta unicorn colt. He looks more bored than out of place. Outside, Cheerilee taps on the door and waves happily. Rarity forces another smile as she knows she has her work cut out for her.
‘Um... Yes. Welcome to a special set of lessons on how to be a proper lady. You are all either here by choice’ -- some of the fillies look proud -- ‘or your parents felt you could use some refinement.’ Sweetie Belle cringes while Rei beams brighter, somehow literally. ‘Uh, I am sure we will all get to know each other over time, uh, which, I guess, brings us to the topic I wanted to cover first: the proper lady’s greeting. Miss Tsukiyo, will you assist me?’
‘Right on!’ Rei leaps up. She is immediately smacked in the head with a ruler Rarity is levitating. ‘Ow! WTF yo!’ She is smacked again.
‘You really want to know?’ Rarity says down to Rei. ‘First, your reaction was unrefined. A lady does not shout “right on” and go flying about the room when called upon. Second, a lady does not swear nor does she utter the pretense of swearing. Last, a lady would never ever use a masculine participle.’
‘How did you...’
‘A lady pays attention to every detail, Miss Tsukiyo.’ Rarity places the ruler behind her ear in a quick draw position. ‘Now, if you will be so kind as to pick yourself up, shall we begin again?’
‘Hai, ojoosama,’ Rei grumbles.
‘Now, Miss Tsukiyo, we are just doing a simple greeting. Do you think you can handle that?’
‘Hai, ojoosama,’ Rei moans again, barely dodging another ruler swipe.
Rarity smirks. She gives Rei a slight bow. ‘It is a pleasure to meet you.’
‘Sup.’ SLAP. ‘OW!’ Rei holds her sore muzzle. ‘I think that drew blood...’
Rarity giggles to herself. This is going to be fun. She turns to the horrified class. ‘A lady always responds gently and subtly. She does not greet even a stranger in an impersonal manner. She always shows respect.’
Rei raises a hand. ‘May I see a nurse? I taste pennies, and I think my eyes match Derpy’s.’
The class laughs. Rarity growls and instantly everypony is quiet.
‘You will not tease her henceforth. It is not nice to make fun of how somepony was born or of a condition they were cursed with. A lady treats everypony equally. Understood, Miss Tsukiyo.’
‘But you’re the one that made me all derpy just now.’
‘Do you really want to get into this now? When your guardian left your fate in my hooves?’
Rei grumbles and sits back. This is not fun anymore, and she is going to tell Wanderer-san and Luna-hime about it. She will show Miss Stuffypants. Oh crap! She is looking this way!
‘So do you understand what you have to do, class?’ Rarity asks.
‘Yes, Miss Rarity.’
‘Good. Then get to it.’ This should eat up the rest of the time.
The class gets up and starts milling about, practicing their proper greetings with each other. Rei looks around confused for a moment then leaps into action. Rarity sighs as she plans her next move.
Much to Rarity’s surprise and relief, the exercise of practicing proper greetings lasted the entire lesson period, with only a minimal amount of bloodshed. She will have to find a softer implement by the next lesson. The fillies were now practicing their proper goodbyes as they leave the classroom. Conveniently, the colt is one of the last to leave. Rarity catches him as he is about to leave.
‘Excuse me, Mister...’ Rarity begins.
‘Soufflé. Strawberry Soufflé.’ He grimaces. ‘Thank you so much for ending before Rei could get to me. I already can’t live down my name and appearance. I heard the suffix she was using. I... Just thank you.’
Rarity thinks for a moment. Rei was using her Neighponese suffixes in place of ‘miss.’ Rarity was fine with it since they designate a form of respect. She thinks a bit harder then has to stifle a laugh as she gets it.
‘I see you get it.’ Sou-san groans.
Rarity gets a handle on her giggles. ‘Sorry. Is there something different you would wish to be called?’
‘Well, online I go by Stormageddon, Dark Lord of All.’
Rarity is a little shocked. ‘I think Stormy will do nicely.’
‘Um, thanks? I don’t know. I have never had a nickname before. ... Or talked to a filly for this long.’
‘Oh, uh, sorry. I meant to talk to you about why you are in this class...’
‘I did not sign up on my own. I’ll have you know that.’
‘Oh?’
‘Well, you saw Scoots’ eye, right?’ Rarity nods. ‘Our fathers are friends. My dad is more of a psychological bent. So when this class came along, he knew just how to treat his magenta son with a baking special talent. Not that being sous chef is much better, dad...’ Stormy grumbles.
‘I am sorry to hear that. So you mean you are not...’
‘What? No? That is a pretty rude thing to ask.’
‘Again, sorry. I didn’t mean to offend. I would never make fun of a way any pony is born.’
‘Whatever.’ Stormy starts leaving.
‘Stormy...’ Rarity calls after him.
‘Yes?’
‘Since you are stuck in the class for the long haul, I will try to make it easy on you and have more gender-neutral lessons.’
Stormy thinks. ‘Thanks. I guess. See ya next time.’
Rarity sighs once more before collecting her things and wondering if this is really a good idea.
A couple days later, Rarity is setting up for her next lesson. Once again, the fillies have segregated themselves by age and gender, with Stormy in a virtual nopony’s land in a back corner. Rei is glaring at Rarity as if she is trying to make the unicorn explode with her mind. Rarity sighs as she consults her etiquette guides one last time before starting. Suddenly, there is a quick knock on the door. The class looks over to see The Wandering Physicist enter the room.
‘Sorry to interrupt,’ The Intruding Physicist starts. ‘Just needed to drop something off real quick. I am Rei’s guardian, just so you know. Stop by The Power Block anytime to tell me all about how good friends you are with her.’ Rei moans a little in embarrassment. ‘Anyway, Rarity, Rei told me about her treatment last lesson, and I would be lying if I said it didn’t remind me of how we first met. I would be upset if you struck her with a ruler again.’
‘I am sorry,’ Rarity apologizes.
‘Think nothing of it. In fact, that is why I got you this.’ The Wandering Physicist sets a sack of oranges on the table.
‘What is this?’ Rarity asks.
‘They don’t leave a mark...’ Scootaloo mumbles.
The few that get what the statement grimace.
‘Anyway.... I should be heading off,’ The Wandering Physicist says. ‘I might make a stop by foal services on the way...’ He waves to the class. ‘Remember, come by my shop to tell me all about how great Rei is and how many friends she has.’
Rei growls as she munches an orange. ‘I hate you so much.’
The next couple of lessons go about as well as they can. The majority of the fillies behave and try to learn. Stormy shows as much or more progress than the fillies, and they start opening up to him more. Rei still causes a modicum of trouble, but it is more due to cultural clashes between Rarity’s Equestrian etiquette and Rei’s Neighponese etiquette. Eventually, the lesson Rarity has been dreading most arrives, the day on the cheque The Wandering Physicist wrote for her. Unfortunately, the day of the class is on a weekend so she has to fend for herself. To play it as safe as possible, she has scheduled the day’s lesson to be held in the park. What sort of damage can be done at the park?
Rarity leads her class out to the center of the park. She and Sweetie Belle are carrying a number of baskets. The class gathers in a clearing and wait for Rarity to begin. Rarity sets out the baskets in front of her.
‘Now, class, today’s lesson will be about...’
‘Frisbee!’
Rei shoots off in a white-and-blue streak before Rarity can react. The rest of class watch as the pegasus disappears. Rarity sighs and shakes her head.
‘As I was about to say, we are going to have an afternoon social here in the park.’ Rarity levitates a piece of paper to each of the baskets. ‘In your assigned groups, you will set up a proper picnic and demonstrate all of the proper behaviors we have learned so far.’ The class starts looking over the assigned groups. ‘I tried to split you into groups that would best challenge your social skills. Now, you have to be careful since this is china imported from...’
‘Incoming!’
Rei comes flying in and crashes through all of the baskets and straight into Rarity, sending both of them tumbling in the mud.
‘Sorry,’ Rei moans as she tries to figure out what happened.
Rarity wipes the mud from her face. She looks around to assess the damage. Her spa treatment is totally undone. Her hair is a wreck. Her picnics are completely ruined and most of her expensive china is shattered. Her worst enemy is prone in front of her pretending to look apologetic. Rarity steams as she holds back a scream.
‘I’d run if I were you,’ Sweetie Belle warns.
Rei looks around. All of the knives suddenly shoot up from the ruined baskets. Rarity is literally ready to shoot daggers.
‘Shimata.’
Rei takes off flying as fast as she can with Rarity and her mass of knives in tow. Rei yelps loudly as a precision knife shoots past the tip of her wing. It is like Rarity makes a living in a profession that requires an eye for detail and precise handling of sharp objects. Rei barely dodges another pair of knives that embed themselves into a tree. Rei sees the perfect escape. She takes aim and shoots under a park table as knives embed themselves above her. The family at the table panics and flees as well. Rei aims for the next table but takes another knife to the wing, slicing through several pinions. A quick look back confirms that Rarity is both still there and down to her last two knives. Rei turns back just in time to plow right into an oncoming table. It gets a cheap shot in on her, flips over and pins her to the ground. Rarity steps up to Rei.
‘Do you have any idea how much trouble you caused?’ Rarity growls.
‘About fifty meters worth?’ Rei nervously laughs as she looks over the trail leading up her predicament.
Rarity shakes and gives a shrill shriek. She takes aim with her weapons, and they take flight. They stop centimeters from Rei’s head. The Wandering Physicist and Twilight rush up.
‘Rarity! You could have seriously hurt her!’ Twilight says as she helps Rei from under her entrapment.
‘I see she put the five hundred bits I gave you to good use,’ The Wandering Physicist comments.
‘What?’ Rarity pulls the cheque out to see the figure has changed. ‘How did you...?’
The Wandering Physicist smirks. ‘I’ll take her from here. I saw enough of it to know it was her fault. She won’t mind being grounded for the rest of the week, outside of school and your lessons of course.’
‘Literally grounded if she wants her wings to heal,’ Twilight says, surveying Rei’s wounds.
The Wandering Physicist pushes Rei forward. ‘Rei, what do you say?’
Rei looks at Rarity. ‘You’re psycho.’ A sack of oranges hits her in the back of the head. ‘I mean, I am sorry. I’ll work hard to pay the money back.’
‘Hmph. See that you do.’ Rarity turns her nose up and starts leaving. ‘... and I think it would be best if I didn’t see you for a while.’
‘See you on Mon-OW!’ Rei calls before The Wandering Physicist drags her away by the ear.
Twilight catches up to her friend. Rarity’s face is mixture of depression and fury, and she is not doing a good job of hiding it.
‘If you want, we can relocate to the library. We have the space for it,’ Twilight offers. ‘I have been reading up on Canterlot high culture and proper etiquette, if that will help.’
Rarity sighs. ‘I would love to have a friend’s help right now.’
‘I am sorry about the china. I am sure Mr Wanderer will do his best to help replace them.’
‘I know he will. I am just beginning to think that filly is a lost cause. How do you put up with her as often as you do?’
‘She behaves when Mr Wanderer is around. Otherwise, we just leave her alone or with Lucas or Kaeko. She gets along fine with them.’
‘Is it a Neighponese thing? I have tried to meet her halfway. Most of the concepts are the same.’
‘I think she is just acting out because she doesn’t want to be where she is.’ Twilight laughs. ‘I’d say she was like her father, if she and Mr Wanderer were related.’
Rarity sighs heavily. ‘It is more like she thinks that is a way to get friends.’ She shakes her head. ‘Like you said, if they were related, I’d say she was as lonely as her father.’
Twilight moans a little at the statement. The pair return to the class. They find Stormy leading the rest in cleaning up the mess Rei made.
‘I thought you only had fillies in your class. Who is he?’ Twilight asks.
‘Him? He is my best student,’ Rarity replies, beaming ear-to-ear.
A week passes. Despite the failure of the last trip, Rarity has arranged another field trip for the class. She triple-checked with The Wandering Physicist for any warnings from the future and cross-referenced with Pinkie Pie to make sure all was clear on the Pinkie Sense front as well. With a clear forecast, Rarity leads the class to her shop where she has prepared a special display for them. Before them stand a number of dresses and other outfits. A number of the fillies ‘ooo’ and ‘aw’ over them. Rarity takes the compliments in stride.
‘Since our last field trip was so spectacularly ruined’ -- Rarity makes note to glare especially hard at Rei -- ‘I have set up a special test to see what we have learned so far.’ She stands beside the display. ‘Before you stand a number of ensembles. Only a couple are ones for a proper lady. You each will get one try to find them all.’ A ruler levitates behind her ear. ‘Be warned. There will be consequences for wrong answers.’
Most of the class gulp and step back for fear of being the first to get a wrong guess. Sweetie Belle shoots forward and raises a hoof.
‘I know!’ She chimes in.
‘Very good, but it would be cheating for you to answer,’ Rarity replies. ‘It is good to see my fashion lessons are finally taking hold.’
‘Ah!’ Sweetie Belle complains as she collapses to the ground in a huff.
‘That one!’ Rei shouts as she points at an outfit. The ruler is swift and accurate. ‘OW! Come on!’
Rarity levitates the outfit out to the class. ‘And what made you pick this one?’
‘Well, look at it.’ Rei replies. ‘It has a cool pointy hat. It is starry and swirly, and the bells are awesome!’
‘This, Miss Tsukiyo, is my friend Twilight’s old Nightmare Night costume. I can see where your head truly lays if you think a costume is proper attire.’
The class laughs at Rei who sits down in a huff. They start analyzing the outfits again. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo push forward.
‘That one! The one with the galoshes,’ Apple Bloom says.
‘No! The one that looks like armor!’ Scootaloo guesses.
Slap. ‘Ow!’ Slap. ‘Ow!’ Rarity corrects with her ruler.
‘Told you,’ Sweetie Belle mumbles.
‘Those... travesties are rejected Grand Galloping Gala outfits designed by your respective idols. I kept them as a reminder of what truly horrible fashion sense can be unleashed on the world.’ Rarity scowls at the outfits. ‘Seriously. A drunken Discord could come up with something with better fashion sense in his worst nightmare.’
‘But, the armor is twenty percent cooler than the rest,’ Scootaloo pouts.
‘Excuse me, Miss Rarity,’ Silver Spoon butts in. ‘I know which one correct.’ She points at a dress. ‘That one.’ Slap. ‘OW! My lawyer will hear about that!’
‘One of my best friends is a princess. Try me,’ Rarity replies as she brings the dress out. ‘Now, why did you pick this one, Miss Spoon?’
‘It is looks like something a princess would wear. It is so pink and frilly.’
‘Hmm. Technically, it is something a princess wore, but that was originally ruined as well. I just fixed this up since it seemed like a waste. Still, it too was designed for Nightmare Night.’
The rest of the class look even harder at the dresses. Even though a number of the obvious wrong answers are eliminated, the last dress seemed correct to most. From the back, Stormy casually raises a hoof.
‘Mr Stormy? Would you like guess?’
‘Yeah. That is one of them,’ Stormy points to Rarity’s Gala dress.
‘What? How did you know?’
‘It efficiently mixes form and function while blending elegance with the right amount of flash so as not to stand out.’ The fillies stare at the lone colt who seems to know more than he should. ‘... Also, it seems to be missing a slipper.’
Rarity blushes. ‘Yes, well, there was an incident and it was lost.’ She moves the dress to one side. ‘Now, who else wants to try?’
Rarity is heading to The Power Block. She has no idea why she was summoned, but she has been promised a reward. She enters the shop and sees the owner at the counter as usual. However, the box with him is unusual.
‘Ah! Rarity! Your order arrived today,’ The Wandering Physicist cheers.
‘Order? What order?’ Rarity asks. She notices something different. ‘Wait. Are you growing a beard?’
The Wandering Physicist smooths his goatee. ‘Yeah. Twilight usually makes me shave, but she is visiting her parents in Canterlot this week.’
‘She just left two days ago.’
‘I hope to go full Star Swirl by the time she gets back.’
‘Who?’
‘Somepony I used to hang with. He’s crazy.’
Rarity gives The Wandering Physicist a queer look. ‘I am beginning to think the same thing.’
The Wandering Physicist stares blankly. ‘Anyway, your replacement china for the ones ruined the other day. A little pegasus had to call in a few favors to get them.’
Rarity opens the box and levitates a dish out. She gasps and almost drops the dish.
‘Are these what I think they are?’
‘Same design as at the palace. Well, some are the same as the thousand-year-old ones that they use now. Some are.... of slightly more recent construction.’
‘Slightly more recent?’ The Wandering Physicist mimes a whooshing sound. ‘Ah. You really like using that thing, don’t you?’
‘Not as much as it seems.’
Rarity gives the china a closer look. ‘Hmm. What did the little imp have to do to procure these?’
‘You notice she has not been around recently.’
‘Thank Celestia for that.’
‘Luna, actually. She is working off the cost as Luna’s personal assistant while Twilight is away too. It is always good to have travel buddies.’
‘Seems the only way to get her to be responsible for something is to force it upon her.’
‘She can’t be that bad.’
‘Hmpf. She might be smart and likable in some regard, but it seems her main modus operandi is sheerly to torture the nearest authority figure for the minor attention it garners from her classmates.’
‘I have never gotten a complaint from any of her other teachers.’
‘Probably because she is much more passive in normal circumstances.’
Some game cases are set on the counter. The Wandering Physicist and Rarity look over to see Stormy. He is currently looking for his bit pouch.
‘Mister Stormy,’ Rarity greets.
‘Ah, Mister Soufflé,’ The Wandering Physicist says.
‘How did you...’
‘You have a membership card with us. Not to mention you registered for the CoD tourney, Stormageddon.’
‘Hmm. Right.’
‘Now, what were you saying about Rei?’
‘Just that she is pretty laid back at school. She tries to get attention, but most of our classmates ignore her and the teachers are better at controlling unruly students... No offense, Miss Rarity.’
‘None taken,’ Rarity replies.
‘Does she have many friends? That was the main reason I signed her up,’ The Wandering Physicist asks.
‘She has about as many as I do.’
‘Uh...’
‘That means she has none,’ Rarity whispers. ‘Sorry, Stormy.’
‘Meh.’
The Wandering Physicist sighs. Sounds like her father at that age...
‘Sorry, Mr Wanderer. That was what you asked for, right?’ Stormy says.
‘Yeah. Thanks. It is good to know that there is at least one of her classmates looking out for her.’
‘What? No. Um,’ Stormy stutters. ‘We’re just in a couple classes and then with Miss Rarity. I mean... I don’t think if she even notices me.’
‘Tell me about it,’ Lucas mumbles to himself as he comes out of the back. ‘Sorry to interrupt, boss, but inventory is done.’
‘Thanks, Lucas. Mind helping Miss Rarity with her package?’
‘That is just code for you got too many dishes for you to carry,’ Lucas laughs as he lifts the package with his magic.
‘Thanks. And here you go.’ The Wandering Physicist slides the games to Stormy in a bag.
‘But I didn’t pay for these yet.’
‘They’re used so the money wouldn’t go to the developer anyway. Plus, you gave me some good insight.’
Rarity smirks. ‘Ha. What more would you expect from my best student?’ She turns to leave. ‘Now come along, Lucas. I have more errands to run before I head home.’
Lucas moans as he follows Rarity out of the shop.
Rarity packs up after her most recent class. It has been a successful one. The students are doing well. Rei is even behaving herself, probably from exhaustion from all of the work Luna put her through. The lessons appear ready to draw to a close, and Rarity is in the midst of devising a proper final exam. After most of the students have left, Stormy approaches Rarity.
‘I might not be coming to classes any more,’ he says rather bluntly.
Rarity is shocked. ‘I am surprised to hear that. May I ask why?’
‘It is because of you,’ Rarity blushes deeply. ‘It is nothing like that. You have given me the courage to stand up to my father. I’ve applied to a baking job in Fillydelphia. I have an interview for it next week. I’m leaving whether or not I get it.’
‘I am very sad to see you go, but it sounds like you are adamant about leaving. I know you will be missed.’
‘Thank you, Miss Rarity.’
Stormy bows and takes his leave. Rarity sighs sadly but returns to her work.
Later that night, Rarity returns home after doing some shopping. She is all ready to make a fantastic dinner for herself. As she nears her home, she hears shouting and the distinct sounds of Ponyville’s finest making an arrest. She sets her shopping at her porch and decides to get on the gossip train early. She makes her way over to the location of the shouting. As she nears, she picks up her pace. Outside a house, a dark blue unicorn is being escorted away by the Ponyville police. He is shouting all sorts of obscenities and racial epithets at the officers and the pony he was in conflict with. At the residence, an EMT is tending to Stormy. The colt nods at Rarity as she rushes over.
‘It’s cool. She’s a friend,’ Stormy tells the EMT to let her near.
‘What happened here?’ Rarity demands.
‘Well, I got into telling my dad off as I told you earlier.’ Stormy answers. ‘Things got a little heated and well, this happened.’
‘Are you okay?’
‘Meh.’
‘His right foreleg is broken and he has a pretty nasty crack on his horn,’ The EMT explains. ‘I am surprised he hasn’t passed out from the pain.’
‘But he has an important job interview out of town that is coming up. Will be able to make it?’
‘Since his dad will be in jail and he has no other relatives in the town, he’ll be lucky if we let him out of the hospital any time soon.’
‘It is fine, Miss Rarity,’ Stormy gives a weak grin. ‘I can take care of myself. I can be strong for you, too.’
The EMT pushes Rarity back. ‘Sorry. We have to get him to the hospital now. You can see him in the morning during regular visiting hours.’
The EMT helps Stormy onto a stretcher and a pair of pegasi fly him away. Rarity sadly watches her new friend leave again. Then she gets an idea and takes off galloping.
‘I’m coming! I’m coming!’ Twilight shouts as she heads downstairs to answer the door.
Twilight opens the door, and Rarity bursts in and grabs Twilight.
‘Help me, Twilight Sparkle! You are my only hope!’ Rarity pleads.
Twilight giggles at the inadvertent reference. ‘It is a little late, but I am always there for a friend.’ She levitates a tape measure over. ‘There you go.’ She giggles at her joke.
‘If this is supposed to be a joke, we are not amused.’
‘Sorry. I have been waiting to do that to you for a long time.’ Twilight smiles as Rarity growls. ‘Now, how can I help you?’
‘This is for a friend. It seems he has something wrong with his horn, and he needs it for a very important opportunity soon.’
‘Did “this friend” use their horn for a purpose it wasn’t intended for?’
‘No, he...’
‘Did he put it somewhere it was not supposed to go?’
‘No, what happened...’
‘Was the horn overly-used and now is chaffed?’
‘Twilight! I never thought you would be so crude!’
‘Sorry. Rainbow was over last night and we watched a lot of the standup comedy she likes. It has been a little stuck in my head since then.’ Twilight has one last laugh. ‘Sorry. What can I help you with?’
Before Twilight can make another poorly-timed joke, Rarity blurts out the problem. ‘One of the students in my class was leaving town soon for a job interview and when he confronted his father about it, he got his horn cracked in the ensuing conflict. He needs his horn to help with his special talent to get the job. I need some way to help get his horn repaired quickly.’
Twilight is caught off guard. ‘A cracked horn is pretty serious. There might be spells out there to repair one, but you are talking about using magic on a magic object. There are bound to be risks. Natural healing is best.’
‘The cure need not be magical. For all I care, it can be homeopathic mumbo jumbo as long as he is better faster,’ Rarity begs.
‘I’ll see what I can find in my books but if you are really desperate for crazy remedies, you should ask Zecora or Mr Wanderer.’
‘Of course! I’ll go consult them right away!’ Rarity grabs Twilight in a big hug. ‘You are the best friend anypony could wish for.’
‘When you see Mr Wanderer, tell him to shave that damn thing off.’
Rarity laughs. ‘Will do.’
Rarity rushes back out of the library and on to her next friend. Twilight sighs and starts going to her books. Owlowiscious flies down to help.
‘Owlowiscious, it looks like it will be a long night.’
There is a loud pounding at the back door of The Power Block. The Very Unhappy Physicist stomps down the stairs to answer the door.
‘This better be important!’ He shouts. ‘I am in the middle of precious bonding time with my kid!’
He throws the door open to see the extremely frazzled Rarity.
‘This better be good. I am busy pwning n00bs.’
Rarity is shocked with what she sees. ‘Beard!’
Instead of the relatively small goatee from a few days ago, The Bearded Physicist now has a massive beard. Rarity is certain it makes up the majority of his mass. She is so transfixed by the beard that she cannot maintain eye contact. It is so slovenly yet appealing. It goes against everything she knows about fashion and good taste, but she must learn its secrets.
‘Did Twilight send you here about that? Well, you can tell her I am not shaving until she apologizes to it.’ The Wandering Beard states.
‘No, it is not... beard...’
‘Right. I went from JoColt to full-on Galifianakis since you last saw it.’ The Bearded Beard says. He then sighs. ‘Fine. You can do what you want. Just be gentle.’
Rarity looks at the face behind the beard then reaches out with a hoof. She gently taps the beard, quickly retracting. She reaches out again and gets a good feel. She giggles wildly and starts rubbing her horn up and down the beard.
‘Wooo! This feels so good!’ Rarity cheers.
‘Rarity. Public.’
‘What?’ Rarity realizes what she is doing. She blushes. ‘Oh. Sorry. I got a little away from myself.’
Beard Beard Beard sighs. ‘Now, how can I help you?’
‘Right. There was an unfortunate incident earlier, and my student Stormy received a crack on his horn. Twilight is looking for a way to help with the healing process from her end, but she also suggested asking you for assistance.’
‘A cracked horn, eh?’ Rarity is drawn in again as The Wandering Physicist strokes his beard. ‘Best thing I can suggest is keeping it wrapped and monitoring the healing process carefully.’
‘Isn’t there anything you can do with your advanced science?’
‘Off the top of my head, all of the things I can do or give you could seriously damage more than just his horn.’
‘Please. There must be something. His future depends on it.’
‘I’ll see what I can do. I’ll see you in the morning with an answer.’
‘Thank you, good sir. You are a class act.’ Rarity gives a small bow. She then buries her muzzle in the beard and breathes deeply. She exhales in ecstasy. ‘Ah yeah. That’s the stuff.’
Rarity trots away in a daze as the beard shakes itself in disapproval, causing The Wandering Physicist’s head to move too.
The next morning, Rarity and Twilight are waiting outside of the hospital. They are trying to stay warm.
‘Where is he?’ Rarity complains. ‘He said he would meet us in the morning.’
‘Are you sure he said that?’ Twilight asks.
‘I have no reason to mislead you. He clearly stated that he would be here in the morning.’
‘Normal morning or his morning?’
‘I don’t follow.’
‘Well, he normally gets up around noon, give or take a hour,’ Twilight explains.
‘Ooh... We might have a bit of a wait.’ Rarity pouts a little. ‘And I wanted to get me a piece of that beard again.’
Twilight gives Rarity a look that is a fair combination of confused and disgusted. Just then, Rei flies up and lands next to the mares.
‘Sorry I am late. No worries. He got your messages,’ Rei greets.
‘Did he tell you anything that could help?’ Rarity asks.
‘Yeah. He said to give Twilight this.’ Rei pulls a small package from under her wing and gives it to Twilight. ‘Well, he didn’t really say it, but the note on it said to give it to you.’
‘Did he have any instructions on what it is?’ Twilight asks.
‘No... All he really said was, “Shut the f...” OW!’ Rei holds the side of her head and glares at Rarity.
‘What? I didn’t do anything,’ Rarity defends.
‘I know. That just happens when I try swearing. Thanks a lot.’
‘So some of my teaching is getting through to you!’ Rarity poses with her forelegs in the air. ‘I am the best teacher ever!’
Rei just growls at Rarity. Twilight looks over the package.
‘Whatever this is, we should get it to Stormy quickly.’ Twilight states.
‘I’ll go inform the doctor.’ Rarity heads into the hospital.
The other two follow with Twilight examining the package as carefully as she can. Inside, she finds a small jar and a stack of notecards.
‘Don’t play with the wheelchairs,’ Twilight says as she looks over the notecards.
Rei climbs down from a wheelchair she found. ‘You’re no fun.’ The top note card is levitated over to her. ‘Wanderer-san is no fun.’
Rarity motions for them to follow as a doctor leads them to Stormy’s room.
‘Mr Soufflé seems to be doing fine. We set his leg and wrapped his horn,’ The doctor explains. ‘We gave him some pain medication, and he has been resting since then.’
The doctor opens the door to the room, revealing Stormy laying in bed. The colt is quickly turning his bedside lamp on and off. He looks over at the visitors.
‘Doc, get me a book or something. I am so bored,’ Stormy moans.
‘You should be sleeping.’
‘Too bored. Can’t I go home?’
‘Between your injuries and your young age, we cannot allow it. Besides, you have visitors.’
Stormy looks. ‘Oh. Welcome Miss Rarity, Tsukiyo-san, and, uh...’
‘Twilight Sparkle. We met briefly after the picnic incident,’ Twilight greets.
‘Right. Sexy librarian. That totally works for me.’ Twilight blushes. ‘So what brings you by my miserable existence?’
‘We hopefully have a way to aid in your convalescence,’ Rarity explains. ‘Mr Wanderer has access to various remedies that should speed you to a quick recovery.’
‘As your doctor, I cannot recommend this treatment without any direct medical evidence.’ A notecard levitates in front of him. ‘Hmm. Interesting if true.’
Twilight shrugs. ‘I find what he has to say convincing.’
Stormy looks at Rarity. ‘Miss Rarity, do you trust this treatment?’
Rarity thinks. ‘I may not know Mr Wanderer as well as Twilight or Rei, but I know him well enough that I would trust whatever treatment he recommends.’ She pauses. ‘Also, his beard is one spoken of in legends.’
Twilight and Rei facehoof.
Stormy shrugs. ‘Works for me.’
‘Excellent!’ Rarity cheers.
‘You won’t live to regret this,’ Twilight says. Everypony turns to her in shock. ‘What? The card said I should say that.’
‘I think you should share those cards with us before you continue,’ the doctor advises.
Twilight sighs. ‘Fine.’ She clears her throat. ‘Special treatment for horn repair. Contents: one jar of special treatment. Do not store in temperatures above 32C. Side effects include but are not limited to: EM sensitivity, weakened magic, magical outbursts, phantom horn syndrome and pregnancy. Read to Stormy - “You always wanted to be a father.” ’
‘This guy is sane, right?’
‘Imitate me as best as possible and say - “Trust me. I’m a doctor.” ’
‘Doctor of what!’
‘Reply to Stormy - “Never you mind!” ’
‘Wow. He really prepared,’ Rarity muses.
‘You don’t know the half of it.’ Twilight and Rei moan. They look at each other, then Twilight turns back to the cards.
‘Anyway... Carefully unwrap the horn. Take a small amount on the hoof. Do not use any other means of application. Read to Stormy - “This will only hurt a bit.” Apply treatment. Pause for effect. “And by a bit I mean a lot.” Hmm. Must burn or something. Rewrap horn. Read to Stormy - “In eleven months, think of me when you have to pick out a name.” ’ Twilight sighs. ‘Anyway, it just goes on to say that it advances the healing process by about a week. This is definitely far more effective and far less risky than anything I found.’
‘You’re not the one that is going to get knocked up by some odd ointment,’ Stormy complains.
‘Hmm... After hearing that, are you sure you want to proceed?’ the doctor asks.
Stormy looks down as he thinks. He lets out a big sigh.
‘Screw it. My life is already messed up. A little pain is nothing if it means I can get better even a week faster.’
‘Okay. I’ll get a nurse in here to give you the treatment.’
‘Actually, doc. I’d like it if Miss Rarity did it. If it is going to burn like hell, I want somepony I know who will be gentle applying it.’
‘If you insist...’
‘I’d be happy to help my friend,’ Rarity states. She takes the jar of ointment. ‘I promise to be as gentle as can be. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we should have some privacy to keep his masculinity intact.’
The other ponies leave the room with Rei looking back to try to get a good look. The door is closed. After a few seconds, a loud yell is heard from the room.
‘Son of a bitch! That burns!’
Twilight and the doctor sigh while Rei moans. She will just have to find some other entertainment for today.
A few days later, Stormy is still in the hospital. He is unable to convince the doctor to allow him to go home since he is still an unemployed minor and thus unable to support himself. Rarity had the class make him a gift basket, and Rei even brought him a free game from The Power Block, so he is not too bored. Currently, he is just laying in bed and moaning at the ceiling. The door to his room opens and the doctor, Rarity and a police officer enter.
‘This is the worst birthday party ever,’ Stormy says as he sees the group.
‘Actually, Mr Soufflé, we have some bad news for you,’ the doctor says. ‘You’re going to be let go.’
‘About damn time.’
‘It is not as good as it sounds,’ the officer says. ‘Your father’s political group has raised his bail and are threatening to sue if you are not released into his custody.’
Stormy collapses back into his bed. ‘Ah fu...’
‘Language, mister!’ Rarity yells.
‘Foal services has a good case against your father.’
‘Good.’
‘But we still have the problem with your release. If you had any sort of apprenticeship or employment...’
‘I know. I am screwed. Can’t you just put me in a foster home or something?’
‘Mister Stormy, I have a better idea, if you will listen,’ Rarity offers. Stormy moans and looks at her. ‘Since I am not old enough to take you in as foster foal and you have no relatives nearby, I offer you an apprenticeship at Carousel Boutique.’
‘Uh... baking pony, not sewing pony. Not to mention I still have months until my horn is healed even with that week shaved off. Literally shaved off since it still burns.’
‘You do know my apprenticeship requires you to be on call at my whim, thus necessitating you to stay at my residence.’
‘The most gorgeous pony in town offers you a room. Take it, son,’ the officer adds.
Rarity escorts Stormy to Carousel Boutique. They are going slow since he is using a crutch.
‘I know you are still convalescing, but I will still have to assign you work just so that we can maintain the apprenticeship. I hope you are good at filing and filling out requisition forms.’
‘Oh yeah. My cutie mark isn’t really a soufflé. It is a filing cabinet for the ERS. I have just been faking it the whole time.’
‘Careful, Mister Stormy. Today is still a lesson day. In fact, it is the final. You are still being graded.’
Stormy groans. ‘I knew this was too good to be true.’
The pair arrive at Carousel Boutique, and Rarity starts opening the door.
‘Do not fret. I have something special planned.’
Rarity opens the door fully, revealing a party underway. The whole class is dressed in finery and having a very genteel time. Stormy is a little shocked. Suddenly, the CMC rush forward.
‘May we show you to your seat, mister guest of honor.’ The CMC beam their widest smile at Stormy.
He does not reply and just lets the CMC do as they wish. The other fillies smile and give Stormy warm wishes. He is eventually seated at the center table. He looks around at the going-ons.
‘What is all of this?’ Stormy asks.
‘Oh, I figured the best way to really test our cultured behavior was with the most refined party we could muster. Even Pinkie Pie is getting into the spirit.’ Rarity points out Pinkie, who is dressed as an uniformed caterer as she serves the guests. Stormy notices one pony missing from the proceedings.
‘And Rei is..?’
‘Oh her?’ Rarity grins sheepishly. ‘Well, she was going to fail anyway, so I just pawned her off to the catering staff. I think she is having more fun that way.’
‘Okaerinasaimase, goshujinsama!’ Rei shouts as she flies over to Stormy’s table and bows.
Stormy blushes bright red at seeing Rei dressed as a maid. Rarity looks the colt over.
‘Have you ever considered a beard?’ Rarity asks.