Twilight arrived on the train that morning. It was pretty uneventful and most townsfolk didn’t notice.
She stopped by the library and found me sleeping on the couch. A small wave of nostalgia passed over her at the sight and she hurried on to examine the books. Sunset appeared just then, surprised by Twilight dropping by. “Princess, I wasn’t expecting you.”
“I came back to Ponyville for a little R&R,” Twilight said. “Canterlot gets so stuffy sometimes.”
“Mmm,” Sunset replied. “I know something else that gets stuffy.”
And they had hot lesbian sex.
Of course, me being asleep through all this may have caused my viewpoint to be somewhat inaccurate. Plus, while HLS does occasionally happen, you should never count on it being the natural progression of things.
When I woke up, Twilight and Sunset were having a quiet teatime in the kitchen. As I stepped into the room, I heard Twilight exclaim, “He did what?!”
I spun around to exit the room, but Twilight had already caught my tail with magic and dragged me back. “Valiant, was it you who injured the Wonderbolts?”
I shot Sunset a look and she ducked her head, practically quivering in guilt at ratting me out.
I turned back to Twilight. “Yeah I did it, but I had a good reason.”
“I’m sure you thought you did,” she said tersely. “But now Spitfire, Soarin’, and Fleetfoot all have PTSD and can’t do their jobs. Congratulations, you single-hoofedly disabled the whole Equestrian Air Force.”
“Wait, there were only three of them?” I asked.
“Of course not, but they were the ones who led and held the rest together! Now, a significant branch of the services that protect Equestria is out of action.”
“It’s not like they did much to begin with,” I pointed out. “Twilight, you and your friends have seen more action than the entire military put together.”
She frowned. “While I suppose that’s true, it doesn’t change the fact that there’s now a gap in our country’s protection.”
I shrugged. “With what Luna has me doing, I don’t know if it’ll be a problem. I’m doing a lot of good.”
Twilight gave me a hard look, evidentially wondering how assassinations could have a net good effect, but she wasn’t willing to discuss it in front of Sunset. Twilight got up, heading for the door. “Cadance and I were going to have a nice relaxing day. She’ll be here soon and I don’t want anything to interrupt us.”
When she was gone, I turned and sat down at the table. Sunset didn’t meet my gaze. “Sorry,” she whispered.
I sighed. “I guess I didn’t tell you not to tell anyone what happened. Twilight would probably have found out anyway.”
Sunset paused. “I…I don’t know if I’ve ever been forgiven for anything before.”
“Really?” I thought about it. Nothing that had happened to her in the past could really be described as forgiving. Or pleasant.
“Thank you,” she said.
I nodded, feeling kind of awkward. “Sure.”
I got up and left her there, going out of the library for a breath of fresh air. Cadance had arrived and was meeting with Twilight across the street.
I looked up into the sky and thought a little about what would be happening soon in Equestria and what I was going to have to do to stop it.
The summoning I was gathering supplies for would have to go off without a hitch, but that was only part of the solution. There was so much other stuff I would have to get done before reaching an endgame where Equestria was stable, safe, and sane.
I hadn’t mentioned this to anyone just yet. There might have been a few ponies who would take me seriously and listen. I didn’t want to find out until I was of other options, though. The fewer that were exposed to this, the better.
While I was standing there minding my own business and totally not deserving anything to happen to me, Discord appeared. I was the first to see him, followed shortly by Twilight and Cadance.
Discord spun out of the sky like a frisbee and blew up a tree. Fitting, since he was blue. He sneezed and lay one of his odd forelegs over his heart. “Oh, woe is me! Who could possibly take care of me in my hour of illness and need?”
The townsponies slowly backed away. I heard a quiet murmur of “not it” go through the crowd.
“Discord, what is this?” Twilight said.
“I’m sick with a terrible affliction, Blue Flu,” he replied, swooning. He flopped down on a recently appeared fainting couch, a la Rarity.
“Are you sure?” Twilight asked. “How do you even get sick?”
“I hope you’re being level with us,” Cadance added.
“Don’t you trust me?” Discord asked in a hurt tone. “I’ve changed. I was reformed by lovely little F-F-Fluttershy-” He sneezed. In the background, someone’s house floated away. “Unfortunately, Fluttershy isn’t here. I heard about what happened. Poor, crispy Fluttershy.”
“How did you hear that?” Twilight asked.
“We’re penpals,” Discord said. “Like good friends. But with her gone, I know who will nurse me back to health.”
By this point, the whole town looked deserted except for Twilight, Cadance, Discord, and me. Discord turned and grinned in my direction. “Valiant said that he-”
I cut him off. “If you finish that sentence, I will murder you.”
He acted like I wasn’t serious. “You’d take advantage of my illness?”
“I think we both know the answer to that. Besides, it’s not my fault that you’re sick when I want to kick your ass.”
“Come now, surely you can’t hate me that much?” he protested.
“I almost destroyed all of Ponyville the last time we had a disagreement,” I reminded him. “Plus, you would know better than anyone how much I’ve changed since then.”
Discord put up an eyebrow and appraised me for a moment. “I was meaning to say that there was something different about you.” He grinned. “Have you been reformed too? If you have, then you better than anypony knows what I’m going through and can offer care and sympathy.”
My expression didn’t change. “Screw that.”
He paused to consider, tapping a claw on his chin. “Not even if I offered all-you-can-watch HLS?”
“In Equestria?” I spit. “Especially not that.”
“What’s HLS?” Twilight asked.
“I think we should at least take Discord somewhere where he can recover,” Cadance suggested, quickly changing the subject. She and Twilight decided that the library would do, much to my consternation.
“Carry me?” Discord asked, measuring the short distance to the library’s front door with his eyes.
I figured Twilight and Candance between them wouldn’t have much problem doing so, magic alicorn seatbelts, magic health bubbles, and all, but to my delight they made him walk.
I went down the street to The Half Pint. My tequila was back at the library and I didn’t want to go in there. I had to settle for beer.
Guinness was serving up mugs when I walked in. He gave me one and said, “Trixie and Daring are back. I think they’re over at Trixie’s place.”
I nodded, slugged the beer, left a few bits on the bar, and walked back out. Given the choice of sitting alone in a drinking establishment or hearing about Trixie’s latest adventure, the choice was obvious.
Unfortunately, Rainbow was there when I arrived, hearing about Daring’s latest adventure. Catcher was with her.
As I arrived, Catcher was complaining loudly about her belly being empty of tasty, raw flesh. Rainbow instead took that to mean she wanted a bottle of milk and excused the two of them.
I was more than happy to let Rainbow out of the house and closed the door after her. I turned to Trixie and Daring. “What’s new?”
They told me the details of their trip. It wasn’t the most exciting one Daring had ever been on, but she said the novel she was writing about it would sell well enough.
“It’s got a romantic subplot. Readers will love it,” she explained.
Having read all the books in the series, I asked, “Who is involved?”
Daring touched Trixie’s hoof and the two of them shared a glance. “Us.”
My eye twitched.
Oblivious, Daring went on. “Although, it’s not the first time I’ve done something like this. Back when I met Guinness and we had to put on stage productions of the epic play that got written - the thing he called The Pirates of Steampunk Middle Earth Fight the Evil Empire on a Planet Full of Apes While the World Falls Into a Post Apocalyptic State - I went really heavy on the details. I think that’s why Rainbow Dash hooked up with him.”
Rainbow being so deep into hero worship that she would happily marry Daring’s former fling was pretty much par for the course. In fact, that probably explained why she ever gave him a second glance, much less marriage and a foal.
“So, romantic subplot,” I said to Daring. “But you’re into mares now.”
“There’s just something about Trixie.” She grinned and the two of them nuzzled. “Maybe it’s all the HLS we’ve been having.”
This time, my whole face twitched.
Trixie noticed. Daring started talking about something else, but Trixie excused herself and me, pulling me out the door. When we were outside, she asked, “What’s with you?”
“I don’t think Daring is good relationship material.”
Her eyes rolled. “Gee, dad, I’m lucky I have you around to give a grown mare like me dating advice.”
“I’m just saying. From what I’ve seen, Daring is more than willing to embellish the truth and take credit for things she didn’t do.”
Trixie nodded. “Yeah, I know. That kind of used to be my thing. But if I changed, I think she can, too.”
I paused for several seconds. Sometimes your kids surprise you. “Okay then.”
Trixie smiled and gave me a quick hug. She started to go back into the house but stopped. “I almost forgot. While we were on the trip, I managed to get the stuff you asked for.”
She gave me a small pouch with a few exotic items. I had plans for them. Like, save-Equestria plans. Important stuff.
I thanked Trixie and walked back towards the library. Discord, Cadance, and Twilight were just coming out, talking about some flower that was supposed to cure Discord. They were just about to set off on a quest to go find it. I decided to go along.
You know you’ve got nothing better to do when you decide on a whim to go questing for a stupid flower.
Discord rode in a golden chariot pulled by Twilight and Cadance. I got rather less plush accommodations. Twilight’s magic alicorn seatbelts were not very comfortable. She didn’t come with any upholstery or airbags, either.
We arrived at the hilltop where the curative flower supposedly grew. After a few minutes of searching, we found it. It was freaking huge. Also, there was a giant hentai worm monster.
Not that I know a lot about hentai you understand, but I’ve been around enough to recognize it when I see it.
Normally I would be all over something like fighting giant monsters, but with the hentai aspect, plus having two alicorns around, I decided to pass on this one. While Twilight and Cadance fought, I talked with Discord.
“I want you to be completely serious with me,” I said.
He grinned impudently and I went on before he could interrupt with a non sequiter. “I’ve noticed lately that things in Equestria are getting stranger all the time. Are you behind it?”
“I wouldn’t simply admit it if I was,” he chuckled.
“Discord, I’m asking you nicely and reasonably to please give me a straight answer,” I said. “Don’t make me drag it out of you. I don’t have enough time, and you don’t have enough testicular fortitude.”
“Is that a dare?” he asked mischievously.
I set my jaw. “You said earlier that you could sense a change in me. While I was gone in outer space, I changed in ways that I’ll bet even you didn’t see coming. Look into my eyes and ask yourself: do you really want to test me?”
Discord paused, something different showing in his expression, but quickly hid it. “What could you do? I am the very embodiment of chaos and have thousands of years of magic experience.”
“You might be chaos,” I said flatly, “but I’m American. I’ll find a way.”
He quirked an eyebrow. “Here I thought we were being serious.”
“I only invoke citizenship when I’m absolutely serious,” I growled. “Equestria is falling apart and I’m doing everything I can to salvage it. I’ve never focused so hard on anything before in my life, and the consequences of me failing have never been so high. I’ll do anything to put things right. I literally do not care who has to die for my plans to go forward. And I would be overjoyed to erase you from the universe. Does that tell you how fucking serious I am?”
Several seconds passed. The giant worm monster made some noises in the background.
Discord cleared his throat. “To answer your question: no, Valiant, I had nothing to do with the recent changes in Equestria. In fact, now that you mention it, I noticed a few extra weird things happening recently.”
“I have a plan to fix all of it,” I said. “Stay out of my way.”
Discord paused. “Can I help?”
“No.”
“Not even a little?”
I gritted my teeth. Discord was very powerful. If my plans degraded any further, if anything unexpected happened, there might be no one else to turn to for help. “I’ll let you know.”
Discord nodded at my minor concession. “So…we cool?”
I let out a long sigh. Dealing with Discord was not something I needed. I had too much else on my plate. “Yeah. We’re cool.”
Twilight and Cadance returned with the flower, breathing hard. Twilight asked, “Is that it?”
“Well, no,” Discord said. “You see, it was all a test. How was I supposed to know for sure that I’m truly still friends with one of the most important ponies around? Congratulations, Twilight, you passed my friendship test!”
“That was a dick move,” I said. “You might be reformed, but you know jack shit about friendship.”
The worm came back just then, bursting out of a hole a few feet away. It was all grabby and stuff with its tentacles.
“We’re talking, asshole!” I shouted. “Wait your goddamned turn!”
The worm didn’t heed my warning, so I pulled the Panzerfaust rocket launcher I had built out of inventory and sent a round down its gullet. Kaboom, problem solved.
I turned back to the conversation. Discord clapped. “That’s a very nice hammerspace you have there, Valiant. What’s your carry weight?”
“Don’t change the subject,” I snapped. “Friendship tests are bullshit. If you were a true friend, you wouldn’t have your friends pass tests to prove their worth. I thought we were cool, man.”
Twilight frowned. “I never dreamed that I would agree with you, Valiant, but you make a good point.”
“Uh,” said Discord. “I learned something today.”
I didn’t buy his crap for a second, but Twilight took it back to her journal and wrote about how Discord learned friendship is a two-way street. While she was busy, I got Cadance alone for a quick chat. We stepped into the hallway, away from the scratching of Twilight’s writing quill.
“So when were you planning to make it public that you’re pregnant?” I asked.
“I’m what?” she yelped a little louder than necessary. I heard Twilight’s quill stop for a moment and then go on.
“Relax,” I said to Cadance. “I mean, it’s about that time, right?”
“Er, I mean I have been married for a while,” she allowed. There was a silence.
I frowned, detecting something in her manner. “What, is Shining Armor not doing it for you?”
“He’s great,” she said quickly. “I mean, with me being the alicorn of love, sex is pretty much guaranteed to be great. HLS included. That wouldn’t result in pregnancy, though.”
“It normally wouldn’t, but you just said that you’re the alicorn of love. Does that make a difference?”
Cadance frowned. “I hadn’t thought of that.”
I nodded. “Well anyway, get to a gynecologist.”
She gave me a look. “How do you know this?”
“It is foretold.” Hey guys, did I mention that I took up a hobby as a fortune teller?
Cadance stared at me and then decided not to ask. She went back into the writing room.
I stood there for a second. Another piece in the puzzle had just fallen into place. I just had to keep the dominos falling so the chessboard would build a solid foundation for a perfect house of cards. Yahtzee.
I went to have a celebratory drink. The latest batch of tequila had turned out very fine and pure, almost completely colorless and very high proof.
I wandered back into the writing room carrying my drink. Discord was still hanging around, talking to Twilight.
“You know, you never did get me that glass of water I asked for,” he teased mildy. Discord turned his head and spotted me with my beverage. “Ah, excellent.”
I handed it over and Discord gulped it.
I don’t care if you’re a draconequus, going for water and getting tequila is a surprise to anyone. And no, it doesn’t matter whether you’re drinking the glass or the liquid.