Living The Dream

by Kickass222urmom

Lance's biggest fear

As I walked down the hall, I could hear my mom humming in the kitchen.

[Those hums may sound innocent! But they're the hums of a crazy woman!]
<Break, shes not crazy... well, not all the time. Only when we do something stupid or get hurt. Then, she goes ape shit on everything.>
[Yeah... I hate to admit this, but I'm scared...]
<... Me too.>
{Me three....}

As I neared the doorway that lead into the kitchen, I stopped and sat Kara down on the ground, "Stay here girl, I don't know what she wants... but it can't be good."

Kara frowned up at me.

I chuckled, "I'll be back soon." I hope...

Kara did a sort of sigh and just stood there.

I turned and gulped, here goes nothing.

I walked into the kitchen to see my mom, standing on the sink and doing the dishes.

[This feels like the time we destroyed her car and ran away for a week.... damn, she was fucking angry when we came crawling back home.]
<Don't remind me of that! The streets were horrible! We had to fight a cat for a single potato chip!>

"Hey mom..." I said nervously.

She straightened up and turned with a smile... but that smile faded when she saw me, "Lance?! How did you get your normal body back?!"

I chuckled nervously, "Oh... its a very long story... My kids said you want to tell me something, what is it?"

She frowned for a second, but then smiled, "Well, I have great news!"

[Last time she said that, we ended up going to school in girl clothes....]
<And, she made us even wear the bra! And the tampons!>
[GOD! MY MIND! SHUT THE FUCK UP DAWN! SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP!]
{Who sends their son to school dressed as a girl... just so they can prove they have a cuter kid!}
[We were not cute!]

I began to rub my hands together, "What is it?"

She smiled brightly, "Two things. One, Barehoof and I are getting married."

I smiled a little, "Good for you."

[That wasn't so bad.]

"And two..." She continued.

[Oh fuck me!]
<Come on Break, she's just going to invite us to the wedding.>

"... I'm pregnant." She finished proudly.

[...]
<...>
{...}

My eyes slowly widened, and my mouth slowly opened.

My mom looked at me strangely, "Lance?"

Snap. "Oh my God! You and the Captain fucked!"

Her eye twitched when I said 'fucked' but she continued to smile, "Yes. The Captain is very good with his tongue and..."

I slammed my hands over my ears, "NO! I don't want to know the details! That's sick! You and the Captain *Gag* AHHHHH!"

<[This is all kinds of wrong!!!]>

She sighed, "Lance, stop being dramatic."

I looked at her, a shocked look on my face, "Dramatic?! I'm not being dramatic! This is being dramatic!"

I then sprinted through the kitchen and dived through a window, shattering the glass in the process. I then stood up and turned and looked in the window. I pointed my right hand at my mom, "You see?! That's being dramatic!"

My mom came to the window and sighed, "Lance, your going to have to pay for this, you know that right."

I lowered my hand and chuckled, "Yeah I know.... but wow, you and the Captain making babies... kinda wrong if you ask me."

[And fucked up!]
<Don't forget wrong!>
[... We already stated that Dawn.]

My mom only chuckled, "You'll get over it. Now, do you want to come to the wedding?"

I sighed, "When is it?"

She smiled, "Two months from now."

I shrugged, "Sure, I'll come."

She smirked, "Good, because I would have made you if you said no."

I began to say something, but then I heard somepony inside, Spark maybe, say, "What happened Grandma?"

My mom smiled happily and turned, "Oh, just your father being stupid, again."

I heard Spark laugh, "Where is he?"

"Outside the window." She said as she stepped away from it.

Seconds later, I saw Spark coming flying through the window, a smile on his face, "Dad!"

I chuckled and caught him, "Whoa buddy! You can fly?!"

He smiled proudly, "Yep! Uncle Greg came by a few days ago and wanted to try some spell. He said it would make me older! So now I can fly! YAY!... Well, I can only fly for a few seconds, but still, its fun!"

My eyes widened, that son of a bitch! Greg! He cast a fucking spell on my son! He's dead!

"Hey bud, you wanna go see Uncle Greg?" I asked, trying to contain my anger.

Spark smiled, "Sure! Can we bring Kara and Fawn?"

I shrugged, "Kara can come, but I would prefer if Fawn stayed here with Grandma."

My mom peeked her head out the window and glared slightly. She then smiled and walked out of view.

Spark sighed, "Okay... So Kara can come?!"

I smiled and messed up his mane with my right hand, "She sure can."

"Yay!"

I walked up to the window and looked in, "Hey mom, could you watch Fawn for me?"

She turned and smiled, "Sure can. Where are you going?"

"Oh, just a little father son bonding."

She chuckled and turned back around, "Have fun."

I smiled and yelled into the window, "Come here Kara!"

I heard a squawk of joy, and saw Kara run into the kitchen, trying to fly. She jumped up on a chair, then jumped onto the table. She ran across it and jumped off it and landed on the counter. She then ran to the window and jumped into my arms.

[Kara's badass! She can do Parkour!]
<Freaking awesome!>
{Well, that wasn't full on Parkour, but it was still pretty cool!}

I looked down at them, Kara was on my left, rubbing her head against my neck, and Spark was on my right, smiling happily.

So much d'awww! "Ready?"

Spark said yes and Kara kawed. (I have no idea what you call it when a Phoenix makes that sound.)

I chuckled and began walking down the street, ignoring the stares from the high class ponies.

I walked down the street with Spark walking beside me. Kara was still in my arms... I swear, I think she just does this to get a free ride! Meh, I don't care.

"Where does Uncle Greg live dad?!" Spark said, jumping with excitement as he looked around.

I chuckled, "You see that building that looks like its made of desserts?"

He smiled, "YES!"

I couldn't help but smile, "That's his house."

Spark jumped up and fluttered his wings, "Awesome! Uncle Greg is so cool!"

Yeah, just don't follow his ways.

"Come on dad!" Spark yelled as he ran ahead.

I laughed and ran after him, holding Kara close.

As I ran, I looked down at her, "You know, when that wing heals, your flying."

She just rolled her eyes and relaxed. Yeah, enjoy this while it last.

When I reached the door, I saw Spark jumping up and down, ready to go inside.

I opened the door and stepped in. Inside, I could see ponies at the counter. There was a few sitting at some tables eating their snacks.

Where are you... where is that stupid stoner!

"Uncle Greg!" Spark yelled as he ran towards Greg, who was slouching on in a chair.

FOUND YOU!

I walked forward, happy that all the ponies here already accepted my new looks.

Greg looked down, "Whats up Spark?"

Spark smiled, "Nothing, me and dad are just here to see you!"

Greg looked up at me and smiled the best he could, "So... You mad bro?"

I kept a blank face, "Yes, yes I am bro."

I then bent down and put Kara next to Spark, "Okay you two, I'm going to talk to Uncle Greg. Spark, look after Kara... what am I saying? Kara, look after Spark, okay?"

She nodded and put her good wing over him.

I smiled, "Good girl."

I then stood and looked at Greg, "Come with me."

He shook his head, "Nah."

I sighed and grabbed his horn. I then began to drag him across the shop and to the backroom.

"Whoa dude! You're turning me on!"

"Shut up!"

Once we reached the backroom, I tossed him forward, "Okay Greg, what did you do to my son?"

He stood and held up a hoof, "Okay, listen. I'll be straight with you. I used a spell on him that caused him to age."

I gritted my teeth, "Age? How old did you make him?"

"Ummm, about two years old..."

"TWO FUCKING YEARS OLD! You bastard! You just caused me and Twilight to miss two years of our sons life!" I screamed, letting my anger take over.

Greg gulped, "Dude, its not that bad... okay, if you think about it that way, it is..."

I turned and punched the wall, causing a searing pain to shoot through my arm, but I didn't care, "Greg, I'm going to show you the true meaning of pain!"

He smiled and saluted me, "Adiós amigo!" His horn began to glow.

"Oh no you don't faggot!" I yelled as I jumped forward. But, before I could reach him, he disappeared. Damn it!

I sat there for a few minutes, trying to calm myself. Once I was calm, I walked out of the backroom... to see everypony in the room looking at me.

I smiled weakly, "Uhhh, we had a problem.. but its fixed now."

A few turned back to their food and task, but some chuckled.

"Dad! Where's Uncle Greg?!" Spark said as he ran towards me, Kara on his back.

I bent down and chuckled, "Oh, he had to go out."

Spark aww'd at that.

I put my hand on his head, "Do you want to go check out the animals?"

He looked up happily, "YES!"

I smiled and stood, "Come on then, I know where there are a few."

I began to walk towards the door, but I heard a sad squawk behind me. I turned to see Kara, her wings stretched upwards towards me.

I sighed with a smile, "Oh you." I bent down and picked her up. She then curled up in my arms, a happy smile on her face, "Don't get use to this, remember what I told you."

She didn't respond.

"Dad! You said we were going to see some animals!" Spark whined as he stood at the door that lead outside.

I chuckled, "I'm coming."

As I walked towards the door, a blue coated mare stopped me, "He yours?"

I smiled proudly, "He sure is. Cute kid, huh?"

She nodded and smiled sweetly, "Yes he is, he looks just like you... I mean, when you were a pony."

I laughed a little, "Thanks, that's very nice of you to say." I then continued to the door.

Once outside, I looked down at Spark, "Ready to see some animals?"

He smiled and fluttered his wings, "Yes dad! Hurry, your stalling!"

I laughed, "I'm not stalling, but you are by talking." I then began to walk in the direction I was intending to go.

Suddenly, something landed on my shoulders.

At first I was confused, but then I felt Spark's hooves on my head, "Hurry up dad!"

Oh man, this kid is just like me when I was younger.

I began to jog, keeping a steady pace.

"Here we are." I announced as we reached the edge to the Whitetail Forest.

Spark jumped off my shoulders and glided to the ground, "Finally!"

Kara also jumped out of my arms and began to examine her surroundings.

I looked around and smiled. I had to admit, this place was beautiful.

I walked forward and took in my surroundings.

<Ahh, the peace and quiet. So lovely.>
[THIS PLACE IS FUCKING AWESOME!]
<... And there goes the peacefulness.>

I bent down and looked at a few white flowers. I smiled as I plucked one of them. Maybe I could get a few of those and give them to Twilight. Maybe then she won't be so mad at me.

[I approve of this plan.]

I picked another and smelt it. Mmm, smells like candy... how's that possible?

"Look dad!" Spark said behind me.

I turned to see Spark pointing to his forehead.

My eyes widened, "Is that a..."

"Tree frog!" Spark said happily, "Isn't it cool!"

I smiled as I sat down the bucket of water I had collected from the water hose, "Done!"

Jamie (Age 5) walked up and smiled, "Get the rocks now!"

I smiled as I turned to the gravel driveway. I picked up a few rocks and turned back around, "Got em!"

She pointed to the bucket, "Put them in, hurry, before the bad guys get us!" (Its a kids game.)

I ran over and dropped the rocks in the bucket.

Jamie laughed, "Yay! We won!"

I began to jump up and down, "Yes yes yes yes!"

Jamie walked over to one of the plastic chairs and sat down, "They won't be able to get us now!"

I smiled and began to walk over to one of the chairs, but saw something green on the chairs arm.

I stopped and pointed at it, "What's that?"

Jamie hopped out of her chair and looked at it, "A tree frog. They can climb up really tall thing!"

I took a step forward, "Really?"

"Yep, they are like Spiderman!" She said with excitement in her voice.

My mouth hung open, "Like Spiderman?!"

Bad move with opening my mouth. The tree frog jumped towards me and... landed in my open mouth.

And then... I began to scream like a little girl. I began to run around, knocking over chairs and other things. I was digging at my mouth, trying to get it out. I closed my eyes and kept running... why did I do that?

*Bang*

I fell to the ground on my back after running straight into the house. The tree frog then climbed down my throat and into my stomach.

I then began to cry.

I shuddered and gulped, "Y-Yeah... It's c-cool."

I turned back and crouched there, my face pale.

[... That was horrible.. I hated it!]
<It went into our stomach! OUR STOMACH!>
{Don't remind me...}

I just crouched there, trying to concentrate on picking the flowers, but I couldn't.

"Dad! Dad, look hurry!" Spark yelled excitedly.

I gulped and turned, "Yes Spar... HOLY SHIT!"

Spark was smiling and was covered head to hoof in... tree frogs! I mean, he was literally covered in them! I couldn't even see his coat! Only his eyes and mouth.

I seized up in fear, "Sp-Spa-Spark!"

He smiled happily, "They are so awesome! Right dad?!"

I began to breath heavily, "They a-are, but co-could you not bring them so cl-close?"

He cocked his head, "Why? Are you okay dad? Do you..." He then began take in breaths, as if he was about to sneeze.

My eyes widened, "Spark, don't you sneeze!"

*Aacho!*

GOD NO!

All of the tree frogs jumped off of him, and I mean all of them, and landed on me. My entire front was covered in tree frogs, my chest, stomach, and face... why the face!

I stood there frozen in fear, unable to move. Then, one of them touched my lips.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GET THEM THE FUCK OFF OF ME!" I screamed as I began to run around, arms stretched into the air.

Kara kawed worriedly.

I stumped over to her and fell to my knees, "Kara, please, blow your fire on me!"

Kara made a sad sound.

"Please, Kara, do it! Please!" I begged.

Kara turned away and shook her head.

God why! "Kara, please do it. I beg of you! I'll let you sleep in my bed!"

She turned around and opened her mouth. I knew that would work.

*Whooosh*

The flames flew towards me... but the tree frogs jumped off before it even reached me. Screw me...

The flames slammed into me, washing over my body.

I sat there, on my knees, feeling extra crispy. I opened my mouth and smoke curled out, cool, "Thanks." I then collapsed on my side. At least the horrible tree frogs are gone.

*Splat*

My eyes widened and I looked at my nose to see a tree frog. I opened my mouth and let out a girly scream.

I slouched on the couch, almost ready to fall asleep.

Twilight was still pretty PO'd when she came home, and yep, you guess it. I have to sleep on the couch.

I let out a sigh, "This sucks."

"That sucks? How about this?" I heard Twilight say from the hallway. I looked over to see her standing there... OH GOD! She's wet! I mean, her body is wet and she has... a wet mane! Wingboner... I guess it would be a normal boner now.

She walked over to me and swiped her wet tail in my face, "You want this?" She said as she showed off her body.

I nodded, a goofy look on my face.

She walked towards the hall, "Well, you should have thought of that earlier."

FUCK! WHY ARE YOU SO CRUEL?!

She swayed her flank as she disappeared into our room. Damn...

I sighed and laid down, this sucks!

Kara jumped up on me and curled up next to my chest. Why did I have to promise that?

"Dad! Can we sleep with you too!" Fawn said as she and Spark stood in the hallway.

I chuckled, "Sure, come on you two!"

They smiled happily and ran over to me. They then climbed up onto the couch. Fawn got behind me and snuggled up to my back. Spark got in front of me and snuggled up to my stomach.

I smiled happily and began to relax. Just because I can't sleep with Twilight, doesn't mean I can't enjoy the company of my kids.

"I love you guys." I said with a yawn.

They both said they loved me and Kara rubbed her head up under my chin.

Yep, my life is awesome!