The Jack of All Trades

by Lord Zalgo


The Mare in The Moon

Phoenix awoke to the sound of a high-pitched voice and frantic knocking coming from his door. He slipped out of his bed and trudged towards the front door. He practically groaned when he realised what the voice was saying and who it belonged to.

“Feenie, Feenie, Feenie, Feenie, Feenie, Feenie!!”

Pinkie Pie.

Phoenix quickly opened the door with his magic to avoid further damage to his eardrums, to find the unstoppable pink force herself.

“Pinkie! What have I told you about waking me up in the morning?!” Phoenix complained.

“But, Phoenix! It’s past noon and I have something REALLY important to tell you!!” Pinkie screamed as she bounced with anticipation.

“It’s gone noon?” Phoenix looked around to see the sun high up in the sky rather than in the east like he suspected.

“Fair enough. What did you wanna say, Pinkie?” Phoenix asked with an implied apology.

“There’s a new pony in town and I’m throwing a surprise party for her!” Pinkie squealed in excitement. Phoenix remained silent for a moment.

“...That’s not entirely news, Pinkie. You do that for every new pony.” Phoenix deadpanned.

“I know THAT, silly! I meant to say that you’re invited, Feenie!” Pinkie beamed. Phoenix stood expressionless for a moment until he finally asked the question that was on his mind.

“Why are you inviting me?” Phoenix asked in genuine confusion.

“Well, I barely see you anymore, Feenie. And, the new pony seems like a Miss Serious McSerious-son. With a town as friendly as Ponyville, I think she should meet someone who she can connect with!” Pinkie nodded in satisfaction of her logic. Phoenix was once again dumbstruck into silence for a moment.

“...Y’know, Pinkie... I don’t think I give you enough credit, sometimes.” Phoenix said with astonishment.

“Does that mean you’ll come?!” Pinkie got right into Phoenix’s face with a massive grin and a hopeful look. Phoenix slowly gave a small smile and chuckle.

“Who am I to ruin your plan? Tell me when and where and you can expect to see me there.” Phoenix said. His breath was cut short by the bubbly, pink mare hugging the life out of him with an even bigger smile on her face as she squee’d.

“You’re coming to the party and you smiled!! This is gonna be the best day ever!” Pinkie screamed. Phoenix just smiled and let her hug him until a thought crossed his mind.

“Pinkie, if you’re gonna focus on this new pony’s party, then how are you gonna celebrate the Summer Sun Celebration’s sunrise?” As soon as she heard those words, Pinkie stood completely motionless.

“OHMYGOSHITOTALLYFORGOT!!!! WHAT AM I GONNA DO?!?!” Pinkie wailed as she was literally crying like a fountain. Phoenix mentally slapped himself, but smiled as another thought came to his mind.

“Pinkie, why don’t you combine the parties? Greet the new pony, have that party, then at the same party; you celebrate the sunrise.” Phoenix looked down at the crying mare as he pitched his idea. Pinkie looked up at him as her eyes dried immediately. She thought for a few seconds, until she hugged Phoenix once again. When she let go she had her trademark smile back on her face.

“Phoenix, you GENIUS!! I’ve gotta go! I need to start setting things up! Do ya wanna come help?” She asked sweetly. Phoenix thought for a moment before grabbing his hoodie and walking out of his house with her.

As they walked through town Phoenix and Pinkie engaged in small talk, until the conversation reached the point where it always does, ever since they met.

“So, how’s that invention for portable parties coming?” Phoenix asked. Pinkie sighed and looked a bit deflated.

“Not good. I can’t think of a way to get a party into any place I want in a super fast way...” Pinkie sulked. Phoenix tapped his chin with his hoof and tried to help her.

“Maybe... you need to find a way to decorate a place quickly and the party will come on its own?” Phoenix asked. Pinkie didn’t seem fazed.

“Yeah, that’s one way, but how could I do it? I’ve looked into every industry machinery I could find, but nothing.” Pinkie sulked as her hair seemed to droop lower than usual. Phoenix racked his brain to find a way to help her.

“Well... I can’t think of a solution for you. Maybe you need to think outside the box on this one.” Phoenix said in a calming voice. Pinkie still wasn’t fazed.

“I don’t think thinking inside a chimney’s gonna help me here.” Pinkie said sulkily.

“What? No. I mean, just think about things that get things done quickly and maybe you’ll get it?” Phoenix wasn’t convincing himself, let alone Pinkie. However, it did seem to cheer her up.

“Thanks, Feenie. You’re a true friend, you know that?” Pinkie said with a sad smile.

“Well, I had a good teacher.” Phoenix replied as he pulled her into a hug. After a while of hugging, Pinkie gasped loudly and pulled him into an alley.

“What are you doing?!” Phoenix asked.

“Shh! There she is! The new pony!” Pinkie pointed towards the street. Phoenix looked to so a unicorn with a bright lavender coat, dark purple mane with a pink highlight and a somewhat bulging belly.

“She’s bigger than I remember.” Pinkie said in confusion. Phoenix looked in the direction the new pony was coming from and chuckled.

“I think she came from Sweet Apple Acres.” Phoenix said, holding back a laugh. Pinkie didn’t bother. She just giggled, at the memory of the Apple family hospitality. She giggled even more when looked back at the unicorn to see that her neatly styled mane had become a large mess of curls.

“What happened?” Phoenix asked.

“Rainbow Dash happened!” Pinkie giggled further. Phoenix let out a single chuckle. Everypony in Ponyville knows Rainbow “Danger” Dash, and they also know that they should never let her dry their manes. Shame the new pony didn’t. Pinkie and Phoenix finally calmed down and walked towards the place that unicorn was staying. Phoenix was right in his assumption that the new pony bought the library, but didn’t know that she’d stay there. Inside there were numerous ponies that Pinkie recruited to help set up the party, meaning it was nearly done.

Phoenix spent about a minute assuring Pinkie that the new pony was still on her way and she probably got caught up with doing something. When suddenly a pony with a grey coat, a blonde mane and yellow eyes that pointed in opposite directions looked out the window and saw the unicorn coming towards the library. Everypony gathered in the centre of the room and Pinkie turned the lights off. A few seconds later, the unicorn practically zoomed through the door, pushed another pony out and slammed it afterwards. A male voice cut through the darkness.

“Huh. Rude, much?” The voice said in an annoyed tone.

“Sorry, Spike. But, I have to convince the Princess that Nightmare Moon is coming and we’re running out of time! I just need to be alone so I can study without a bunch of crazy ponies trying to make friends all the time. Now, where’s the light?” A female voice replied. A second after her sentence had finished, the room became brightly lit and filled with a shout.

“SURPRISE!!” Everypony yelled. Phoenix remained quiet. His voice was usually quiet, so he wasn’t the shouting type. The new unicorn looked less than pleased. Pinkie was next to her instantly.

“Surprise! Hi! I’m Pinkie Pie and I threw this party just for you! We’re ya surprised?! We’re ya?! We’re ya?! Huh?! Huh?! Huh?!” Pinkie said in one remarkable breathe.

“VERY surprised. But, libraries are supposed to be QUIET.” The unicorn hinted, hoping that Pinkie would go away. Pinkie was about to let out another burst of dialogue, but Phoenix put his hoof in front of her mouth. Despite being muffled beyond recognition, Pinkie continued to speak, completely unfazed.

“You’ll have to forgive her, she’s on a permanent sugar rush.” Phoenix said with a small smile. The unicorn’s eyes seemed to widen slightly when Phoenix stepped in. Phoenix noticed, but paid it no mind.

“I’m Phoenix Fortesque, may I know your name?” Phoenix said with his same small, charming smile. That seem to knock her out of her stupor and she finally responded.

“Uh... I-I’m Twilight S-Sparkle. W-what’s your name?” Twilight said with a nervous smile and a slow rising redness in her cheeks. Phoenix was a bit confused by the response.

“Phoenix Fortesque.” Phoenix slightly deadpanned. Twilight seemed to mentally slap herself, and continued to nervously smile at Phoenix.

“Right, you said, sorry! My m-mind’s been everywhere today!” Twilight said quickly as she chuckled nervously. Pinkie finally pushed Phoenix’s hoof away as four other mares gathered near the three of them.

“-and now you have lots and lots of friends!” Pinkie concluded, despite nopony hearing the rest of her soliloquy. Twilight’s face had a mix of annoyance, embarrassment and something that Phoenix couldn’t recognise. She began to blindly pour herself a drink with her magic as her eyes were still focused on the six ponies in front of her. One in particular. She began to quickly drink from the chalice she poured the liquid into, however her eyes immediately watered, her cheeks were redder than ever, mane ignited and she ran upstairs.

“Aw. She’s so happy, she’s crying!” Pinkie said happily. The other five ponies looked at her in confusion and Phoenix walked into the crowd. The party went on and Twilight didn’t return downstairs. Her baby dragon, Spike on the other hand, was having a blast. Phoenix went to a corner of the room and began crowd-watching. It made him feel more comfortable to watch others when in a large crowd. He eventually reached into his pocket, pulled out a flask with his magic and took a sip of the whisky he brought with him.

“Hey mister, what’s that?” Phoenix froze as he heard a small, high pitched voice to the side of him. He looked to his left to see a small filly with an white coat, lavender and pink mane and no cutie mark. He lowered the flask slowly and racked his brain to think of something to say.

“I-It’s just... medicine.” Phoenix replied weakly. The filly seemed to buy it.

“Oh, do you have a cold or something?” She asked curiously.

“Something like that, yeah. The medicine’s to make sure nopony else catches it.” Phoenix replied quickly.

“Good. I was worried that I’d catch it.” She said with a look of relief.

“Well, don’t worry, you won’t. Why don’t you find your friends and have some fun?” Phoenix said kindly. The filly looked around, grinned then ran into the crowd. Phoenix was about to take another sip, but a mare walked towards him.

“While I don’t condone your alcohol consumption, I appreciate you not telling her what it was.” The mare said. She had a white coat, a perfectly curled purple mane, blue eye-shadow and blue eyes. They weren’t as bright as Phoenix’s, but could still hold a stallion’s attention... until their eyes met her flanks. Phoenix’s eyes stayed with hers as he responded.

“She looked too young to know what it is.” Phoenix replied before he sipped from the flask again. The mare seemed to flinch slightly at the act, but kept a smile on her face.

“She is... You won’t drink too much, will you?” She asked with a hint of worry. Phoenix simply smiled.

“I never drink enough to get me drunk. You don’t have to worry about your sister or anypony else.”

“Ah, good. Wait... How did you know she’s my sister?” The mare asked with confusion.

“You just told me. I made an assumption considering: physical resemblance, emotional response and the fact you seem too young to be a mother.” Phoenix explained. The mare seemed aghast for a moment, before smiling slyly.

“You clever man. I am Rarity Belle.” She put her hoof forward. Phoenix noticed that her hoof was bent down at the end, which indicated that she wasn’t expecting a hoofshake. Phoenix took her hoof, bent his head down and kissed it delicately. He looked back up to see her face, which still held a smile.

“I’m Phoenix Fortesque.” Phoenix replied.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr Fortesque. Not many stallions in this town would have picked up on that little signal.” Rarity replied with slight admiration in her voice.

“First for everything, I suppose.” Phoenix chuckled while Rarity giggled slightly.

“Indeed. I hope I see you soon, Phoenix.” Rarity said as she walked away, swaying her hips slightly as she did so. Most stallions would find it hypnotic, however Phoenix wasn’t like most stallions. He took a final sip from his flask just as Pinkie came up to him.

“Come on, Feenie! We’ve gotta go see the sunrise!” Pinkie said excitedly as she pulled Phoenix by the hoof, leading him out of the library. Everypony began gathering in town hall and waited for the great princess of the sun: Princess Celestia. Minutes passed until Mayor Mare gave the signal that the introduction should begin. The birds began to sing in tune under the mare with the yellow coat’s instruction. It was only then that Phoenix realised that Pinkie wasn’t next to him anymore. He looked around quickly and saw her standing next to Twilight. Phoenix stayed where he was and returned his attention to the mayor.

“Fillies and Gentlecolts. As mayor of Ponyville, it is my great pleasure to announce the beginning of the Summer Sun Celebration.” The mayor announced. Everypony in the crowd cheered in response.

“In just a few moments, our town will witness the sunrise and celebrate this: the longest day of the year. And now, it is my great honour introduce the ruler of our land, the very pony raises the sun and the moon each and every day: the good, the wise, the bringer of harmony to all of Equestria... Princess Celestia!” The mayor finished her speech and pointed to the large curtain on the far right which opened to reveal... nothing. Everypony began muttering with confusion and worry as the mayor tried to calm everyone down. Phoenix drowned her out and began scanning the area, with only one thought on his mind.

Shit’s about to go down.

Phoenix was brought out of his thoughts by Pinkie who let out a frightened yelp and everypony else looking at one spot and gasping. Phoenix looked to the point the crowd was and saw a sparkling, navy blue mist swirl and flow until a figure was revealed. She was an alicorn with a black coat, a flowing mane made of the navy blue mist, turquoise eyes with cat-like pupils and an aura of dominance.

“Oh, my beloved subjects. It’s been so long since I’ve seen your little sun-loving faces.” The dark mare said in a terrifyingly sweet voice.

“What did you do to our Princess?” Rainbow Dash questioned angrily as she was about to attack her, but Applejack held her back by her tail.

“Why? Am I not royal enough for you? Don’t you know who I am?” She replied. Pinkie suddenly appeared by Applejack’s side and began to try and guess her name.

“Ooh! Ooh! More guessing games! Um, Pokey Smokes! How about: Queen Meanie! No! Black Snooty, BLACK SNOOT-.“ Pinkie couldn’t complete her sentence as Applejack stuffed her mouth with a cupcake. It only served to aggravate the alicorn.

“Does my crown no longer count, now that I have been imprisoned for a thousand years? Did you not recall the legend? Did you not see the signs?” The alicorn said as she went to the mare with the birds and then to Rarity who were unfortunate enough to be nearby.

“I did! And I know who you are! You’re the mare in the moon! Nightmare Moon!” Twilight announced loud enough for everyone to hear. Everypony gasped as Phoenix began to step closer to the front to get a better look at the action.

“Well, well, well. Somepony who remembers me. Then you also know why I’m here.” Nightmare Moon’s voice was growing steadily more malicious despite not losing the soothing quality to it.

“You’re here to... to...” Twilight couldn’t complete her sentence as if it was stuck in her throat. She finally gulped and could say no more. Nightmare Moon let loose a laugh that sent shivers down the spines of everypony present.

“Remember this day. Little ponies. For it was your last. From this moment forth: the night will last forever!” Nightmare Moon cackled as her power filled the room, silencing anyponies hopes of fighting back. Phoenix looked to the goddess of the night and then to everyone else. The frightened stallions, mares and foals. He couldn’t watch idly by. He ran from the town hall. He ran back to his home and trotted to his room where laid his target: a safe. He used his magic to turn the dial and opened the door. He wrapped the objects inside in his magical, black aura and pulled them towards him.

First, he put a necklace around his neck which held a Harmony Stone at its end. Legend says they bring you luck on your journeys. He then placed a plain black fedora on top of his head, which covered his horn and the brim covered his eyes. Finally, he pulled out his father’s six-shooter. He pushed the barrel forward to check that it was fully loaded. He then put it in his pocket and closed the safe. He wasn’t going to let some Nightmare bitch have her way with the world. It was time to read up on a legend or two. He walked out of his house and headed towards the library.