“Grab its tail! GRAB ITS TAIL!” Tank shouted as he hung from the jaws of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Flak Jacket was pinned under one of the reptile’s massive claws and completely unable to help. Recon and Shell, both being earth ponies, did the only thing they could do, and that was continue firing their tranquilizers.
The sedatives did nothing to the massive dinosaur; most of the darts simply bounced off of its thick scales. It let out a tremendous roar and snapped several trees with a powerful whip of its tail. Shell managed to duck, but Recon was slammed by the tail and into a tree.
“On second thought: AVOID THE TAIL!” Tank shouted, struggling to remain uneaten. Shell switched from her tranquilizer to her non-canon pistol. The pistol wasn’t technically canon, but it did help against certain non-canon adversaries. She fired at the creature, only angering it further.
“For the love of Celestia, help me!” Flak Jacket shouted from under the T-Rex’s claws. Suddenly, the dinosaur was lifted off of him and suspended in mid-air. Tank managed to escape from its mouth and he flew down to help Flak.
“Having some trouble, are we?” a smug voice asked. A unicorn mare in a white suit walked slowly out of the bushes; her horn glowing the same color as the aura currently levitating the beast.
“We had it under control,” Shell replied angrily.
The unicorn mare simply smiled and looked around at the damaged site. “Sure you did,” she said. Three more white suited ponies walked out from behind her and into the clearing. A unicorn stallion stepped forward and looked at the hovering dinosaur.
“Class 5 prehistoric breach. You should have called us,” he said with a monotone voice. Before any of the squad could say anything, the unicorn stallion’s horn began glowing and a portal opened up. The unicorn mare flung the incapacitated lizard through the portal and it disappeared with a flash of light.
Shell, Tank, Flak, and Recon regrouped and looked at their “saviors”. The four ponies wore matching white suits and sunglasses, similar to the black suits and sunglasses they had. All four of them were unicorns, two mares, two stallions, and they all had a very professional look to them. (They had the air of douchebaggery surrounding them as well.)
“We didn’t need no help from you Alpha Team jokers,” Flak said, brushing his suit off and putting on his sunglasses. The left lens fell out of his glasses and he stood there looking around.
The four members of Alpha Team laughed and stepped forward into the destroyed site. They used their magic to clean up the mess and took their seats at the table. Flak and the others just looked at them angrily.
“You’re dismissed for the day, Delta Team,” one of the Alpha Team mares said, waving her hoof like she were dismissing a child. “Oh, and Miss Casings,” the mare said, pointing to Shell. “Be sure to fill out the necessary forms for discharging your weapon.”
Shell grumbled and sheathed her pistol. She turned her nose up and left the site followed by her fellow squad members. Tank had to support Recon as they walked out of the Everfree Forest.
“I think I broke a rib,” Recon said, wincing with every step.
“I’d heal him, but that magic is apparently non-canon, and then I’d have to do paperwork,” Flak said. Shell mumbled something and kept her head down.
“Just do it,” Tank said, bemusement on his face as well. “I’ve gotta fill out paperwork for the three humans the dinosaur ate.”
Flak sighed and his horn glowed a bizarre mixture of white and black light, similar to television static. Recon winced at first, but as his ribs healed, he was able to stand up straight again.
“Thanks,” he said. “And I’ll help with the paperwork. I had to fill out a hundred forms last week because I went through a human’s music device. One form for every song I listened to.”
“Was there anything good?” Tank questioned curiously.
“Lots of wubs and bass drops.”
“I have no idea what that means,” Tank said.
Delta Team wound up at a large stone cliff and Shell tapped her hoof against it. There was a slight pause before a large crack formed in the wall. A secret door opened and the four ponies walked through it. On the other side of the wall was a large white room with high ceilings and television monitors everywhere. Ponies ran back and forth, and some just stared at the screens taking notes.
“Delta Team” a female voice said softly as they entered. The silhouette of a unicorn mare appeared on the nearest screen. “You’ll find all your forms in the barracks, fill them out and get them filed by the end of the day.”
Without another word, the screen went blank.
“Well, at least she doesn’t sound angry,” Flak said, taking a step toward the barracks.
“She never does,” Shell said, walking ahead of Flak. The angry earth pony stormed off to the mare’s locker room and slammed the door behind her.
“She’s mad,” Flak pointed out.
“Yeah, she doesn’t like the leader of Alpha Team too much,” Tank whispered. “I hear they have a history.”
Recon and Flak hoped for more, but Tank smiled and trotted off to the locker room. On the seats in front of each of their lockers were numerous papers with blank fields waiting to be filled in. Recon scooped them all up and removed an inkwell and quill from his locker.
“Ever seen a gel pen?” Recon asked, not looking up from his work. “Real cool things--write real nice. I got one from a human one time, and I loved it. I made the mistake of filling out forms with it once, though. Had to redo them all AND fill out an additional form for using a non-canon item.”
Tank chuckled and threw open his locker. An impossible number of fedoras fell out and buried the startled pegasus. “What in the hay?!” he asked angrily, sticking his head out of the pile. One of the hats stayed atop his head and a buzzer started sounding.
“CODE RED!” an automated voice rang through the locker room. Four stallions in blue suits burst into the room and approached Tank.
“Non-canon item possession and he’s wearing them,” one of the stallions said, making a mark on a clipboard.
“Buzz off, Beta Team! They’re not mine!” Tank shouted, throwing the fedora off of his head.
“Protocol is protocol,” the stallion replied, passing Tank two blank forms. While Tank stared at the papers angrily, the three other members of Beta Team levitated the fedoras out of the locker room. The stallion with the clipboard nodded to Tank and trotted off.
“Code Green,” the automated voice said, and the buzzing stopped.
“I know those hats are kinda cool, but you had to have known—”
“They are not cool, and I told you, they’re not mine!” Tank shouted, interrupting Flak. The pegasus turned back to his locker and saw a single slip of paper that was out of place. There was a big letter A stamped on it in a fancy font.
“Alpha Team is really pushing it,” Recon said, looking at the paper.
Tank slammed his locker shut and crumpled up the paper. A moment after that, the building’s buzzer started sounding again. Flak opened up the locker room’s door and saw Beta Team gallop into the mare’s locker room.
“Looks like they got Shell too,” Flak said. Shell herself burst out of her locker room and into the stallion’s locker room. “Whoa! You can’t be here!” Flak shouted as Shell pushed past him. There were a few plastic tubes with the word PLAYTEX tangled up in her mane, and a Beta Team member followed her, picking them out.
“THIS MEANS WAR!” Shell shouted to her fellow squad members.
“It sounds like you’re going to need one of these,” the Beta Team stallion said with a grin. He held out one of the Playtex packages for Shell and she glared at him. “Oh, but then you’d have to fill out a form for that too—UGH!”
The stallion fell to the ground after Shell bucked him in the chest with her powerful legs. She stood there breathing heavily, looking to her frightened squad members. When they didn’t say anything, she trotted out the door and back into the mare’s locker room. The Beta Team stallion simply lay on the floor, writhing in pain.
“Well,” Recon said at last, “I’ll help her with her forms later. Much, much later.”