//------------------------------// // 2. Pie-related Catastrophe // Story: Ex-Wonderbolts new job // by Jetto //------------------------------// Chapter 2: Pie-related Catastrophe "...So let me get this straight," Thunderlane scratched his head, trying to piece together the story he just heard "after you broke a half-empty..." "Half-full." "... bottle of whiskey on his head... the four of you spent rest of the time, ehem, 'hunting'. Right?" "That's the basic gist of it, yes." His friends (minus Big Mac, who was out of town) tilted their heads in disbelief, yet none of them could work up the courage to doubt Soarin. Ever since they all settled in Ponyville, their usual morning routine started by meeting up at Sugarcube Corner (where they had large discounts, thanks to the Annual Pie Day) and sharing stories. Today was especially relaxing, with both a weather being set to be sunny without any clouds, and Pinkie Pie taking a day off (she mentioned something about going to spa). It was mostly Soarin's job to talk, usually about his nightly adventures, thankfully always stopping right before the 'good part'. And just when thought they couldn't be surprised by him anymore, he proved them wrong yet again. "Took a while, but they got the hang of it. I'm not ashamed to admit, but that night I was the last lone pony standing!" he said, as he beamed brightly before his friends. This was the moment somepony (or rather, the same pony) to interrupt and insert some clever, sarcastic comment. The situation just begged for a stupid retort, something that Soarin always looked forward to during their get-togethers. But this time... "Uhm..." he raised an eyebrow, as he pointed at Prince Blueblood, snoozing with his face on the table "... what's his deal?" "He's just tired," answered Shining Armor "we spent almost entire night re-shelving and indexing, that's all." he shrugged. A loud, tired growl came out of Prince Blueblood, as he tilted his head and looked with his bloodshot eyes at his number 1 assistant/bodyguard. "That's all? THAT'S ALL?!" all sorts of hissing noises came out of his throat, with only fatigue stopping him from lifting himself from his seat and ripping out the guts of Shining Armor. Or complaining very loudly. It was hard to tell what his intentions were "No mention of the fact that you woke me up at 6 AM..." "Well, we did agree to this..." "...then dragged me across the town..." "...I warned you I'm strict when it comes to exercise..." "...and made me run a lap around the entirety of Ponyville!" Ever since their adventure in Everfree forest, both Shiny and Blue realized few things about themselves. One was tough, strong and knew exactly one useful spell, the other was smart, handsome and knew one high level spell and bunch of less ones, but apart from that, they were lacking severely. To avoid further dangers (which they both were sure would come eventually) and better prepare themselves for future, they agreed to teach each other. Each evening was spent on books, where Shining Armor learned the basics of magic he sorely lacked from Blueblood, who had more or less mastered the basics. The following morning the roles reversed and it was time for Prince to fear coach Shining Armor, who became a completely different pony. From a docile, lovable jock to a non-nonsense drill sergeant that could give Spitfire a run for her money. Both made very little progress, but neither were about to give up just yet. "That doesn't sound too bad," admitted Doctor "Ponyville isn't that big." "Including Sweet Apple Acres." Immediately after hearing that, three stallions joined in a simultaneous hiss of terror and compassion. Thunderlane put a hoof on Prince's back, while Doctor gently patted his head. Nopony deserved that amount of pain, not even Prince Blueblood. "Ok," Shining Armor coughed and looked away "in a hindsight, that wasn't the best idea I ever had." "You think?" And then they laughed, except Shining Armor (who was too embarrassed) and Prince Blueblood (who was too tired). They had to give Prince the credit though, he took all this torture training from hell like a real pro, not once whining or stopping. Not every pony could endure that amount of abuse. Soarin would, but he was growing up with Spitfire and he could survive Tartarus if there was a need. And after what happened in Everfree Forest, he wouldn't be surprised if they ever had to venture there for whatever reason. Suddenly, the door to the Sugarcube Corner slammed open, effectively grabbing the attention of all its patrons and ending any laughter. All customers, along with Mrs. and Mr. Cake, cowered in fear, as a giant creature slowly walked inside. Two clients quickly left a few bits on the tables, rapidly chugged the rest of their coffees, grabbed whatever was left of their donuts and rushed toward the door, staying relatively away from the gaze of giant mass of flesh and muscles, which moved slowly towards the Element of Harmony. Even Prince Blueblood found enough energy to rapidly raise his head, cursing himself for being too tired to teleport away, with or without his friends. Shining Armor stood up and was about to stand on the way of the monster, but Soarin stopped him. "I got this." said Soarin, getting up from his chair and slowly walking to the beast, alone, but confident. They both stopped only few meters from each other. White mass of flesh towered over smaller, blue pegasi, who showed no fear and bravely stood still before it. Their eyes met and locked into each other, but they did not move. Soarin's friends held their breaths, with Shiny and Thunderlane ready to jump into action at any moment. Mr Cake fainted in the background, unable to withstand the tension. They stood like that for good while, before the giant cracked. His eyes watered, lips started shaking, before it exploded and started crying very, very loudly. "Ooooh," Soarin frowned and flew high enough to pat giants head “It didn't work out?" "Y-YE-YEAAAAHH!!" it nodded, wiping his tears with a hoof. "You did everything I told you?" he asked, as the giant nodded "Did something happen?" "I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT WENT WRO-OOONG!"he threw himself on Soarin's shoulder, crying like a baby. Soarin barely held himself in midair, flapping his wings rapidly just to land softly, without getting crushed by a giant mass of muscles. But as painful and heavy as his new friend was, he wasn't the type of pony to shrug him of. "Oh, my poor little baby!" Soarin gently patted crying giant. Soarin's friends looked around each other. "Poor?" asked Shining Armor. "Little?" added Thunderlane. "Baby?" finished Doctor, as all three shrugged. Blueblood tried to replace Big Mac and confirm with a single word, but he was too tired to care. "Come on, Bulk," Soarin led the giant, apparently named Bulk, to the table, the he put him on one of the chair. Unfortunately, the chair collapsed under the giant pony, but nopony cared or noticed a difference. "Mrs Cake," Soarin called to the pudgy store owner, currently busy with waking up her husband, with no success "we need a pie, stat!" "W-what..." she looked between Soarin and her unconscious husband, confused. "No time to waste, we have a PIE EMERGENCY! This pony needs a pie! With double, no- TRIPLE the cream and lots of sprinkles. In fact, all of them. Get all the sprinkles!" "But..." "No time for buts, nurs--I mean, Mrs Cake!" he looked at Bulk again. His lips were shaking again, signaling another wave of liquid sadness "We're running out of time! He needs a pie, RIGHT! NOW!" "Y-yes sir!" she saluted and rushed behind her counter. Few seconds later, a big pie of unknown taste landed on the table, covered in whipped cream higher than itself, covered by all the sprinkles this store had to offer, essentially looking like a miniature, multicolored mountain. This sugary abomination would later become 'Bulky Surprise', a specialty of Sugarcube Corner, Pinkie Pie's midday snack and nightmare to every dentist in Equestria (especially the one in Ponyville). Bulk Biceps, that was his full name, didn't spare a second and slammed his face right into the treat, shooting whipped cream and sprinkles around and on everypony in close proximity. Except Shining Armor, who covered himself in a force field (but forgot his friends... and element). A few seconds of weird noises and table manners that would gross out later, the tin was empty and clean (which couldn't be said about everypony else). "So," asked Soarin, as he wiped some cream of his wings "you feel better?" "Y-yeah." Bulk nodded lightly, making a giant drop of cream fall of his chin. "Listen, Bulk," he touched his shoulder. Original plan was putting a hoof over his shoulder, but that proved impossible "you are a fantastic stallion, that is a fact. But nopony is perfect and everypony makes mistakes sometimes." Bulk sniffed "Even you?" Soarin stopped. He reached into his memory, for those two mares. One he always desired but would never get, the other he got easily but... "Yes, even me. What's important is to learn from your mistakes and keep on trying. Okay?" "B-but what if nopony will like me?" "Don't be crazy, who wouldn't like an amazing stud like you, huh?" As this weird therapy session was going on, four other stallions helped themselves to some towels and water and cleaned themselves of the mess, while Mrs Cake tried once again to revive her husband. "So, you ready to try again tonight?" asked Soarin. "Yeah." Bulk answered, nodding. "Ugh," Soarin groaned and facehooved "you call that enthusiasm? Say it like you mean it!" "Yeah!" "Louder!" "Yeah!" "Louder!" "YEAH!" "Loooouuudeeeer!" Bulk Biceps took a deep breath... "Well, one thing's for certain," said Doctor, examining the lone chair leg covered in frosting "running around Ponyville, Sweet Apple Acres included, first thing in the morning turned out to NOT be the worst idea we had. Today." Five elements of harmony, bulky pegasi with big biceps, along with Mrs and Mr Cake, finally back to the land of living, looked at the Sugarcube Corner... or what was left of it. There were several table overturned but whole, which couldn’t be said about the rest. Few windows were left intact while the rest were shattered. Cakes, pies, donuts and lots of sprinkles were chaotically spread around the entire building, as if it was hit by a runaway hurricane from Everfree Forest. "Umm... sorry!" Bulk shrugged, smiling innocently. "I... I'll pay for the damage, I promise!" Soarin plead to Mrs and Mr Cake, who much to their surprise, didn't seem all too bothered by any of it. "Don't worry, insurance will cover it." she reassured them, hoofwaving. "I knew signing up for 'Pie related catastrophes' was a good call." added Mr Cake happily. Shining Armor raised an eyebrow. "Why would you sign up for 'Pie rela--" ... oh!" "Can I FINALLY go back home and die peacefully, please?" asked Prince Blueblood, still barely standing on his hooves and on verge of passing out here and there. Which all things considered, was not a bad idea, since Shining Armor would drag him home anyway. "Yes, I think we all had today’s dose of 'doozy'," admitted Doctor. "I doubt anything could top that."added Thunderlane, blissfully unaware. As he finished the sentence, the doors slammed open again, startling everypony inside, but this time, it was not Bulk Biceps who entered . Instead, a dark, pony shaped figure jumped in, except it was made out of putrid brown slime, leaking on the floor and leaving dirty trails where it stood. Its face was very much pony looking, but completely pale and scaly, contrasting with the rest of the creatures body and giving it a very eerie feeling. The worst however, were the eyes- perfectly round, but also perfectly blank. It wasn't staring at their souls, it was actively drowning them inside of it's own soul. The stallions who saved the world and faced Nightmare Moon... "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" ...screamed like little fillies and jumped out of the building through windows, breaking anything that was still intact, with Bulk Biceps following shortly after. Mr Cake fainted again, much to his wife's chagrin, though she herself jumped behind the counter. The only pony left was Prince Blueblood, who tried to jump out and teleport, but fatigue got the better of him and he stumbled on his way, falling face flat to the floor. The monster moved towards him, while all he could do was crawl away to the walls. Without any viable escape route and no friends to save him (Elements of Harmony, my flank!), he turned to the monster, covered his face and awaited the inevitable, hoping this was all a dream and he'll wake up any second. His aching muscles said otherwise, but what do they know? The monster stopped and looked at him, but nothing else. Prince peeked at its face, staring at the terrifying, unnatural eyes... until one of them fell off. He stared at the missing body part, which turned out to be completely flat. He slowly looked back at the monsters head. At the place where the eye fell out, another one appeared behind it, this one looking much more natural. Blue. And familiar. "M-Miss Pie?" he asked slowly, as another eye fell out of its sockets, but the creature caught it with her tongue, then ate it. "Call me Pinkie!" she happily replied "Hi Bluie!" Prince opened his mouth a few times, but failed to say anything for a while. The sound of crash could be heard- it was a giant boulder that fell from his heart. "Why are you covered in... mud?" "Oh, I was just having a nice relaxing day at spa with Fluttershy and Rarity, they always do this and that one time I was like 'but this is boooring' and Flutters was like 'but it's really nice, you should try it' and Rarity was like 'indeed darling, it does wonders to your coat' so I was all 'okay' and they invited me and at first I was all 'meh, nothing is going on' but then there was this hot room and it felt good, then Aloe massaged my back, it was like being a dough before becoming a cake and I like cake so I felt weird because I'm a baker but now I feel like dough which made me think about my work and I realized that this is all a metaphor for life, how everypony is both a dough and a baker because we are raised by many ponies but we also raise other ponies, sometimes by kneading them with our own hooves, although that would be like hitting ponies and it hurts so are we hurting the dough and cakes are made out of our inner violence and one day I'll grow mad from revelation and start using ponies for making cupcake because of some flimsy philosophy... but I got to a mud bath and it calmed me down, so whatever. And as I was there, my nose was twitcha-twiching, my eyes were batting and I sneezed, which usually means PIE EMERGENCY! So I ran out as fast as I could and then I entered here and I couldn't see anything because I had cucumbers on my face." she stopped to take a breath and finally noticed the mess. Blueblood blinked. That was Pinkie Pie, alright. "Of course." he nodded, fully embracing the 'Pinkie is Pinkie' mantra. "Was there a 'Pie-related catastrophe while I was gone?" He chuckled. "Never change, Miss Pie." "Okie dokie lokie!" she smiled brightly "And call me Pinkie!"