Chapter Nine
Role Swap
Those words resonated through my head, relaxing my muscles but sending my mind into a flurry. I had been expecting anything….Anything but that. She always seemed so happy and energetic, always striving to be her best at absolutely everything. Ever since I had ‘arrived’ here I had been the one who needed help. Now the roles had been switched. Rainbow Dash needed somepony and right now I was that somepony. I returned her hug, letting her tears soak my mane. I thought of what to say…..nothing came to mind. She didn’t need to hear “its okay” or “I understand.” What she needed to do was talk about it, and come to think of it; so did I.
“Dash….lets go somewhere. I know where we can go talk.” I took one of her hoofs in mine, leading her towards my tree.
She wiped her nose with the hoof I had taken and started to follow me, head hung low. “….okay….”
We walked on in complete silence. I didn’t know what to say to her when we got there; but I did. I knew exactly what I had to say. I had to come to terms with my own loss, and in doing so, help her accomplish the same.
When we got to the tree I led her to the trunk and lay down, facing the stars. “You know, you are a really strong pony….”
She mimicked me and lay down next to me. “I don’t think so….I hid this secret so long; lied to so many ponies. Put on a game face just to pretend to be normal…..”
“And it hurts so bad…..” I finished her sentence “I just learned recently that I never had a father, and it already hurts so much. How could you hide it so long?”
“I….I didn’t want pity. I wanted to prove that I was strong to my dad, even if he was gone. The last thing I w-wanted him to see is other ponies feeling sorry for me.” She rolled, her body facing away from me.
I let the silence permeate the air for some time before I said what had to be said. “I don’t even miss the dad I never got to meet. I can’t even remember the one I thought I had, so I really can’t miss him either. I just want someone to look up to, someone who will ask how my day was or make sure that I did what I was supposed to.”
Dash rolled back towards me “Yea….. I tried to find a father figure, I tried long and hard…..Eventually I fell in love with the Wonderbolts. I pretended that they were here to instruct me, to make me who I was supposed to be. In following them I learned to fly for all I had. I based my entire life around flying, not because I loved it....” she paused
“Because it’s what I thought they wanted me to do.” Tears streamed down her already tear stained face. “I tried so hard to be them, so hard that my cutie mark became a bolt of rainbow lightning. Wonder….Bolts…. People wonder in the clouds and bolts are self explanatory; but why the rainbow? Not because of my mane, no! Because I didn’t have a father, I had 3 father figures!” she stamped her hoof in the ground infuriated.
This made me tear up quicker than I had expected. Not only did Dash lack a father, she had a brand on her flank that reminded her daily that she couldn’t replace her father with anypony for as long as she tried. Her cutie mark wasn’t a sign of speed or skill….it was a sign of searching; a sign to remind her that she would always be searching for a father, because that’s what she had set her life priorities to do.
I rested a hoof on her shoulder and looked into her watery eyes. “Let it out…You need this.”
“Why did he have to die?! He didn’t deserve it! I didn’t deserve it!” she pounded the ground with her hoof with each question. “My mom didn’t have to change….She didn’t have to leave me alone! What she did was selfish! I was sad and alone when my father died, and she decided then was the best time to kill herself?!”
My jaw dropped, she didn’t have a mother either? This tortured pony had to live a life with absolutely no connections? I was infinitely gladder to have Nurse Redheart as my mother, even if I didn’t know her as well as some.
I took Rainbow Dash into a full embrace “We will find ourselves one day. I promise you and me together.”
I knew this wasn’t about our fathers, which was only an attributing factor. We were sad that we didn’t know who we were supposed to be. Rainbow Dash had faked who she was her entire life and I had never even lived. But I promised her by that tree that we would find each other through each other.
She gave a nod and broke a faint smile “You know he died in a train accident of all things…..I need to forgive him, it wasn’t even his fault….” She wiped her tears away; finally coming to terms with this was helping her already.
“I usually don’t break down like this, just a while ago was the anniversary of the crash and I needed to come to terms…and you came at just the right time……Thank you…” she hugged me tighter and longer than I had been hugged before.
We sat there embracing for a long time. Rainbow Dash began to fall asleep in my arms, her warmth radiating between us, making sure we weren’t cold. She nuzzled up close into my neck, burying her face in my mane. She was asleep and hopefully at peace, if only just a little more.
I sat there for a long time, feeling her chest heave up and down with each peaceful breath. She was such a strong pony, to withstand all of this without having anypony to talk to. Her father had died in a train wreck just like mine and her mother had killed herself some time later. That had to be the worst, losing your father then your mother. I thought back to my mother, working with me, waiting all of those years for me to awake. I smiled, having peace knowing that I had at least some ties in this world. Rainbow Dash had made me appreciate what little I had in this world, my mother, my great friends, my bits, and soon to be, myself hopefully.
Tiredness ebbed at the corners of my vision; I was going to fall asleep by my favorite place. But this time it wouldn’t be alone.
Before I dozed off I leaned in close to Rainbow Dash’s ear and whispered, “Thank you….”With that, I fell into sleep.
Morning light crept between my closed eyes, causing me to open up to my surroundings. Dash's face was still plastered into my neck.
She yawned as I stirred awake, smiling upon seeing me, “Good morning you…”
“Good morning, sleep well? “ I stretched my legs out, causing my bones to pop in relief.
She pulled me back in with a strong hug, “Better than I have in years Ethan….I needed to get that weight off my chest.”
I returned her hug “Me too, I’m glad that we finally accepted some things. We still have a long way to go, but any step is a good step.”
She nodded, getting up and stretching her wings. “I have some thinking to do today Ethan, it means a lot that we talked last night….Thank you…” she flapped her wings a few times, lifting from the ground.
“No, thank you Dash, and please be safe today. I have some things to get done today myself!” with that she flew away, waving back at me from some distance.
I felt needed again. I felt like I could once again help the ponies around me. I didn’t feel useless and even better I didn’t feel alone. I started walking towards town, heading towards the hospital. I was going to spend all day with my mother.
Nurse Redheart was milling through paperwork when I walked through the doors to the hospital. “Hello and welcome to the…oh son! How have you been? Your check up isn’t for another week even why you are here is beyo…”
I took her in a hug before she had the chance to finish, “I love you so much mom, you mean the world to me and you are one of the only ties I have here.”
She returned my affection with hesitation, seemingly caught off guard “Oh…uh, you too son! I am so lucky to have you….”
I stepped back from our hug, not wanting to make it awkward, “So I am just going to help you out today and bond a little bit if that is okay with you.”
She nodded “Of course son! I have lots of work to do today, you can help and we can talk about things that you have missed. Let’s get started, we need to move some of the beds to the washroom and we have a long day ahead of us!”
I followed her to the nearest room. In it were old wilted flowers and half deflated groups of balloons clustered about. It was an absolutely depressing sight to behold. She grabbed the bed and started to exit the room as I examined the flower arrangements.
“Good thinking Ethan, I’ll take the beds and you can clean out the rooms interiors.” Nurse Redheart wheeled the bed out of the room swiftly; leaving me in a well lit room that looked as if the grim reaper had just been present.
I hoofed at a nearby card, flipping it open. “Dear Grandfather, please get well soon. You can’t leave us now. I just got my cutie mark and I want you to see me graduate from grade school! I am ever so close! When I get out I am going to get rich and famous and buy you all of the nasty jelly stuff that you could ever want!”
I smiled at the gesture; the old coot was probably already eating some nasty jelly food bought by his grandfilly!
I looked up from the letter, on the wall there was a whiteboard with the words “Deceased 9:07 P.M.” written in red ink.
My head drooped, as I whispered “Oh…..”
Just last night, a live pony had sat, thinking of a time where his grandfilly would be a big, famous, star that would shower him in troves and troves of jelly. Now he was dead.
Death is a funny and cruel thing. It takes who it wants and pays no mind to the thoughts or the feelings anypony. As happy as this place was, I had no doubt seen the saddest it had to offer. I continued cleaning the room, stripping it bare and white, leaving the memories of this previous pony in the trashcan alongside used tissues and old cups.
My mother walked in, seemingly paying no mind to the tragic history of this very spot. “Let’s go son, we have more rooms to clear.”
“Is death always this bad?” I looked to her
“Not always, but death never changes.” She walked out of the room.
We continued cleaning rooms all through the day, almost nopony even walking through the hospital doors. Some rooms weren’t as sad, others were almost even happy. It was an even mix between those two, none near as sad as the first room that I had cleaned out.
Finally we were done as we made our way into the main lobby. “Son thanks for the help today! Sorry it was sad sometimes but that’s just the way it is….. Here would you be a dear and take this last bag of trash out please?”
I happily nodded, “Sure will!” I started walking out the door with the bag in tow when she stopped me,
“Hey I need you to take these old newspapers out too. They need to be thrown away as well please.”
I opened the trash bag and allowed her to sweep the numerous newspapers into the trash. I left out the front door and walked all the way to the trashcan, flinging the bag over the top and into the bin. One of the old newspapers fluttered to the ground, opening to the main cover. I decided to read it, I just felt like I needed to for some reason.
The caption read
“In Remembrance: The great Train wreck that took one of our finest”
Below this was a picture of a mail pony wearing a big smile, his hoof around a cyan blue Pegasus that was holding a filly with a brilliantly colored mane.
I thought to myself, this must be the anniversary paper to Rainbow Dash’s dad’s death. I might as well read on.
“This day may years ago we lost one of our finest members of our society to a horrible train wreck bound for Canterlot. He was a delivery pony by nature and the best delivery pony we had to date. Dust Cloud A.K.A ‘Hotmail’, was the only casualty taken from us in this dreadful crash. He was a loving father of one; wed to his long term beloved wife, Dawn Dash with their only filly……Rainbow Dash.”
The paper hit the ground as a wave of realization swept over me. If Dust Cloud was Rainbow Dash’s dad….then that meant that he wasn’t my dad at all. My mother had lied to me!
I dashed towards the library, talking to myself in a hurried panic, “If she lied about that, what else has she lied about? Is Ethan even my real name?!”
I burst through the door not wasting any time in looking through the books in the section labeled records. Twilight walked in and saw me franticly flying through book pages.
“What are you looking for in particular Ethan?”
I turned towards her, “Twilight I need the records for Mrs. Redheart as soon as possible, it is of the upmost importance!”
She used her magic to pull a red bound book from the top shelf, “It should be in here…” she flipped through the pages until she stopped at one, “Here it is, let’s see…..Redheart…Filly of Chalk Redheart and Cindy Redheart….. Admitted to the hospital as lead nurse…Unmarried and without children…. Wait, Ethan didn’t you say she was your mother?”
I was out the door like lightning; I was full of rage and a feeling of betrayal. I needed to find out the truth.
I rushed through the hospital doors, a copy of the old newspaper in my mouth. I marched right up to where Nurse Redheart stood and tossed the newspaper at her feet. “Tell me the truth! Now!”
She sat on her haunches with a defeated look on her face. “I….you….I was just…..”
I stomped the ground as hard as I could, cracking a tile near my hoof. “NO! TELL ME NOW DAMNIT! NO LIES! DON’T LIE TO ME. DON’T…..don’t rip my heart out anymore that you have already….”
She burst into tears, “It was the closest thing! I had to say something! I couldn’t let you not have a father...”
“Yes you could have! You could have said nothing, let me get over it. Not tie me to a tree so that anytime I made progress I came flying back to square one! Tell me the truth!”
She looked at the ground, “When I gave birth to you…”
I kicked the paper in pure rage, sending it flying into one of the walls near me, shattering a picture frame. “You are not my mom! I looked it up! You haven’t even been married! Stop lying to me!” I leaned in close to her face, glaring.
She stepped a few steps back, falling to the ground “Okay! I admit! Your mother died when you were born! She never gave a name, a father, or even her own name; she died before we could even ask her. We were just in such a hurry…..” she sobbed, making sure not to look at me. “We didn’t know what to name you, and before we could you went into a deep coma. We don’t know who you are or where you came from! I’m sorry……”
It was my turn. I sat on my haunches; speechless…..I was a true bastard pony. No name, No family, no ties to this world at all. Back to square 0. I examined the bottom of my hoof until I felt a tear fall into my coat. Nurse Redheart put a hoof on my shoulder, “I’m sorr…”
“Shutup! I don’t want to hear your shit anymore! Sorry doesn’t tell me who I am or where I came from! It won’t give me a father or a mother! It won’t tell me what to do next! Why would you lie to me?! Just to destroy me from the inside out? Huh?!” I pushed her away and ran out the door.
This was too much. In the past week I had lost my father three times now, only to learn that I didn’t even know his damn name. I had lost my mother twice now, the memories of my old mother slowly fading, and the memories of my fake mother still fresh, stinging nettles on my heart. I had my friends but I felt so betrayed right now that I didn’t know what or who to believe. I would have cried but I had no tears left. I was fueled by pure rage now. Two whole lives had been complete lies. I truly felt stuck in a hole all by myself. My friends would be there for me but they couldn’t be what I wanted them to be, and who is to say they aren’t lying to me as well? What if this is just another coma? Maybe I died and went to hell. That had to be it, or at least it felt like it.
I was at my tree, almost by instinct. So far it was the only thing that had been truthful to me. I walked to the trunk, seething with rage and confusion. I screamed at the top of my lungs and threw my head into the tree, rattling the leaves it held. I hit it again.
And again, and again. I hit it until my neck was sore and blood ran down my face, it had made a clear stain upon the tree. I turned my back to the tree and started bucking it as hard as I could. My wound re-opened almost immediately but I didn’t care. I continued kicking as hard as I could, each hit making a loud crack that rang through the air.
I tired myself out taking my rage out on the tree that had been there for me. I had betrayed the one thing that had never betrayed me. I was angry at myself now. Leaves and blood littered the ground around the tree. I turned from the poor tree, my head almost dragging the ground and walked. Wherever I walked there was a faint trail of blood and I was getting progressively dizzier as I went on. I didn’t care. I wanted out any way, and if I died, who the hell would care?
I had been walking up hill almost subconsciously. My vision was blurred badly but from the ledge where I stood I could make out the faint outlines of Ponyville. I was high enough up. I stepped to the edge of the cliff.
“I’m sorry I was ever here…I didn’t belong here in the first place.” I let a single tear fall from the eye that wasn’t stained with blood.
My vision swayed and twisted in odd ways as I began to lose consciousness. If the jump wouldn’t do it the loss of blood was sure about too. I gave myself some final thoughts, Maybe this was a better place without me. I am not needed anyway, Dash is all cleared up and everypony else seems fine……
I’m sorry world…
I let myself slip off the edge, the weightlessness taking over my senses. It was peaceful. I opened my eyes one last time just to see a bright rainbow light from off in the distance.
My vision faded to black, and before I slipped into the abyss I heard a loud booming noise that rattled my senses to the core.
I thought death was silent.