//------------------------------// // Dumpster Diving - Part 1 // Story: The Great and Powerful Trash Can // by Tired Old Man //------------------------------// I made a call out to one of my buddies that hung out with me for my birthday last night. His name was Mike, and he worked for the Sanitation Department in the city. I had...lost a few things before, and usually when I did so, I called Mike to see if he could do anything. He has berated me multiple times about my forgetfulness about throwing my important things in the trash, but it wasn’t exactly my important thing I threw in the garbage this time.         “Mike? Are you there?”         “Oh, hey Ian! Why are you calling this early? You know I’m at work.” The sounds of garbage trucks dumping their trash onto large conveyor belts could faintly be heard in the background of the call.         “...actually, that’s what I wanted to talk about.”         Mike sighed. “You threw something in the garbage again you didn’t mean to, right?”         “You know me too well. Plus, I think you owe me for that little ‘gag’ yesterday.”         I heard him stifle a giggle on the other end. “Yeah yeah, I suppose I do owe you for that. It was still funny, though. Okay...what did you lose?”         I had to think about how to describe this so it didn’t sound awkward in any way. Calmly telling him it’s a magician’s hat belonging to a pony currently contacting me through my trash can sounds like a one-way ticket to the insane asylum.         “It’s a birthday present for my daughter. A purple magician’s hat with stars and moons decorating it.”         “...is this the same daughter that denounced you as her father because she was being raised by...that she-devil?”         That was Mike’s way of referring to my ex-wife. He didn’t even give her the benefit of being called by her name. Honestly, with how she’s been treating me this past year, I started to do the same...in my own way. “Yes, her. However, my daughter just e-mailed me last week, and wanted to talk things over. I guess she’s realized how...aggravating her mother can be.” “Mending old wounds, eh? Well Ian, I hope it goes well, especially if you’re getting your daughter a present...you never told me she was interested in magic, though.” I paused for a minute. “Uh...it’s a new hobby she picked up to distract herself from her mother.” Mike laughed. “Hah! No magic trick will make that problem disappear!” I stifled a giggle. “One can hope, can’t they? Anyway, let me know when the truck that came down my street this morning stops by the Recycling Center.” “Sure, I’ll give you a call once it comes by. You better come quick, though.” “Trust me Mike, I have no reason to waste time.” I pushed the red phone button on my cell, ending the call. I turned to Trixie, who had watched me place the call. “...why did you have a one-sided conversation with that thing in your hand?” she asked. “It’s not one-sided! This is a phone! I was talking to one of my friends through it,” I explained She had a quizzical look on her face, scrunching her face in thought as she tried to find a comparison. “So...it’s a mystical object that mimics telepathy?” “Telepathy? What th-oh right, wherever she comes from has creatures that use magic. Of course she’d find a comparison that way.” “...eh, let’s go with that. It would probably take too much time to explain how phones work, anyway.” Trixie moved her face up and down in what I can only assume was a nod. “So, this Mike you called...do they have Trixie’s hat?” “No, but they’ll have it soon. He’ll call me back when it shows up, and then I’ll just head down there and get your hat back.” That was not the answer Trixie was looking for, since her face became angry again. “You mean Trixie has to wait longer for her hat?!” “Well, I certainly can’t make this go any faster! This is the best I can do!” I shot back. “Mmf,” Trixie grumbled. “How much longer do you think we will need to wait?” “However long it takes for Mike to call back...although it’s usually within an hour.” “Fine. Trixie will come back in an hour, and you BETTER have some good news to say about my hat!” Trixie tried to pull her head back, but it was stuck. I could see her grit her teeth and her face squeeze as she tried to get her head through the portal, but it was no use. A wicked idea began to form in my head as I recalled how her first visit went...and now that she’s stuck, it’s payback time. “...you’re stuck, aren’t you?” I asked. “Trixie is NOT stuck!” she lied. “Trixie is...merely taking her time leaving.” “Oh?” - I was hiding a wide smile behind my hand as I spoke - “Well then, take all the time you need. Like I said, it’ll probably be an hour until my friend calls back.” I walked away from the trash can and into my kitchen. I needed to eat something, so I checked my fridge. Inside it were a few slices of leftover pizza from two days ago, eggs, milk, some bologna and cheese, and various fruits and vegetables in my crisper. I settled on making a bologna and cheese sandwich. A proper meal would have to wait, since I wanted something quick considering the little revenge plot I had in mind for Trixie. As I assembled my meal, I could hear her grunt and groan as she continued to try to go back to her world, only to be met with failure after failure. “You know,” I called out from the kitchen, “I could always help you by pushing on your head or something.” “Trixie does NOT need your help, Ian!” she barked. “Eh, suit yourself.” After making my sandwich, I plopped onto a chair I had set up near a round table just outside the kitchen. I ate silently as Trixie continued her struggles. She would stop at some points to breathe. It was pitiful...and perfect. After finishing half my sandwich, I asked again. “Trixie, are you suuuuure you don’t need help? All I need to hear is three little words from you, and-” “The Great and Powerful Trixie has always done things alone! Help is for the weak,” she interrupted. “Really? Because right now, you’re looking and sounding quite helpless,” I spoke before taking another bite from my sandwich. “You dare call Trixie weak?!” she snapped. “Correction. I’m calling your refusal of it a sign of weakness. Accepting help when you’re as stubborn as you are shows more inner strength than you would believe, Trixie.” “T-Trixie does not need a lecture from you, and certainly not now!” “Then by all means, prove me wrong.” I lazily nibbled at the remainder of my sandwich as Trixie doubled her efforts to force her way through the portal back into her world. She yanked, shook, and tugged as much as she could manage in her short burst of energy...but she was still no closer to escaping than she was before. She still had not succeeded even when I finished eating. I sat and waited while she took deep breaths. I didn’t need to see her face to know that she was mulling the idea of me helping her over in her head. Soon, her stubbornness would give way to modesty and honesty...and sure enough… “...Ian?” “Mmyes?” I slyly asked. “I...I need…” her voice trailed off. “What was that, Trixie? I didn’t hear you.” “Trixie...needs help.” “Is it so hard to say ‘I’? And could you add a ‘please’ in there somewhere?” “FINE! Ian...please. I need help.” I threw my arms up in victory. She didn’t see the gesture from where I was sitting, but I didn’t care. As for how I was going to get her through that portal...well…there was one way, and she wasn’t going to like it. “Alright Trixie, just give me a minute.” I left my chair and walked into the bathroom. Spotting my target, I grasped the plunger in my hand. I realized she might not like it if her face got covered with fecal waste again, so I decided to be thoughtful and cleaned the plunger. Who would even need to clean a plunger, anyway?...I guess I have to now. Clean plunger in tow, I walked back over to the trash bin and showed her the tool that would free her. Her response was to take it from my hand with her magic and chuck it away. “NO, Ian! Do NOT bring that thing near Trixie!” “What? It worked last time!” I stated with certainty, but she was adamant. “The Great and Powerful Trixie will NOT be subjected to such humiliation again!” I countered, “Humiliation for who?! You? The only ones that know about this even happening are you and me right now, unless you happen to be doing this portal thing in front of someone else...you’re not, right?” I asked, tilting my head to the side slightly. “Of course not!” “Then what’s the big deal?” “It was disgusting!” “I cleaned it thoroughly! Trust me, it’s so clean I could probably eat off of it.” “...then do so,” she challenged, wearing a small smirk on her face. ...Wait, what? “Come again?” “You claim it’s clean enough to eat off of? Then prove it!” Trixie stated with a bit of confidence in her voice...which then gave way to reluctance. “Do that...and I’ll believe that it’s clean, and you can use it on me to send me home.” “Well, congratulations Ian. You just shot yourself in the foot with that one.”