//------------------------------// // The randomness // Story: Twilight's weird journey through Canterlot // by JustDing //------------------------------// THIS IS NOT OFFICIAL WORK. THIS WAS SOMETHING TO HELP MYSELF TO GET RID OFF MY WRITERS LAZYNESS! WARNING, THIS FICTION IS COMPLETELY RANDOM AND WILL PROPABLY KILL YOU OR IT WILL MAKE YOU AT LEAST BRAINDEAD! THIS STORY IS BADLY WRITTEN AND A PAIN TO READ!!! EVEN THE PRE-READERS SHOULD NEVER READ THIS STORY this was a joke!!! The friendship express stopped in Canterlot with a howling screech, before the doors bursted open by a panting lavender coloured unicorn. Princess Celestia called her most faithful student to come as fast as possible to her castle. Alone. For something private. Hehe. So Twilight Sparkle bursted out like a flash from the train... only to be stopped by a conductor on the trainyard who has stepped out from his bed this morning with the wrong leg. "Stop!" "What is it, mister?" The conductor pony holds up a cardboard "Sign here!" "What is it... SecuRom? What is that?" Twilight tilts her head to the side of this strange word. "Just sign here!" So Twilight does it like what she was told. "Aand... sign here!" the conductor pony opens a new page. "What? Rockstar SocialClub? I don't know what this, but let just enter me the town! I was ordered by Princess Celestia to come here!" says the unicorn annoyed, taking a step to the side to get past this unnerving earth pony. "And her majesty ordered to let visitors sign a lot of needless pages, so sign here!" the pony moved right in front of her. So Twilight signs for the Rockstar SocialClub... "And this... a new update." the conductor pony shows her another page. Twilight signs it, too. She let out a grunt of frustration. "And here... Windows Live." ... "And here for a new washing machine." "When I can enter the town?!" asked Twilight, her patient decreased to almost zero. "Just sign here!" the pony ordered firmly. As Twilight signed for the new washing machine (she didn't ordered it, but whatever?), the pony stepped to the side, letting her finally enter the town. She galloped down the main road to the castle, but then she realized that the conductor wasted a lot of her time. Good luck that there is a new service in Canterlot, namely a taxi company. "Thanks Celestia." she sighed in relief as she spotted a yellow chariot, which waited next to a shop. A muscolous but friendly looking blue earth pony stallion was strapped at the chariot, waiting for guests. "Taxi!" she yelled. The door to the passenger seats opened with loud screechs. She climbed in and says "To the Castle, but hurry." "No problem, miss. Just take on the seatbelt and we can start the drive." the friendly stallion said back. She nodded in response and grabs the seatbelt magically. To her confuseness, it didn't even budge. "It's sticking..." she muttered. "Oh, I totally forget to tell you that this seatbelt is a little difficult." the stallion said apoligizing back, "Add more force." Twilight nodded in understatment and used her magic to pull at the seatbelt. She pulled and pulled and pulled... RATSCH! With all sudden, the ribbon of the seatbelt gave under the pressure. Even she was surprised how strong her magic is as she levitated the ripped seatbelt in front of her. "Oh, I'm so sorry..." The stallion turned his head in confuseness to Twilight. As he spotted the ripped seatbelt, his eyes were shrinking in fear as he began to yell "HELP! A INSANE PONY!" "What? No! It was an accident!" Twilight said nervously. But the pony unstrapped himself from the chariot and ran frantically down the streets while yelling like a madpony "VANDALISM! THE YOUTH IS THE HORROR!!!" "Stop! It was a misunderstanding! Come back!" Twilight yelled as she hopped down from the chariot, but the stallion disappeared in a alleyway. She stomped her hoof in frustration on the ground, then she looked at the now abandoned taxi chariot. "Hmph... then I use it for myself," Twilight said as he horn began to glow, to enchant the chariot with a spell that made it driving by itself. Or the user just used it telephatically. Twilight decided to use the latter option as she hopped back in the chariot and a few moments after, the chariot drove by itself to the direction of the castle. As she drove, her stomach made a growl. She was hungry. "I think I have enough time..." she thought as she spotted an McDanold Hayburger Restaurant. She parked the chariot within a 180 degree swing next to the restaurant and climbs off from the vehicle, before she galloped inside... Few seconds ago... Trixie, the once and great powerful was under a heavy stress, sitting in the toilet. She did not have any money. Everywhere she went, the ponies were laughing at her due to the incident in Ponyville. And the fault was all Twilight's! So she bought an rapid firing gas operated crossbow to rob the restaurant, to get some money. Maybe it was not the best idea, but what else she was supposed to do? She left the toilet now, crossbow behind her, ready to rob the restaurant with it... "It's Payday..." As she stood in front of the pay desk, she raised the crossbow and begins to yell at the (deaf) salesmare "GIVE THE MONEY! THIS IS A ROBBERY, BITCH!" At the same time, a very hungry Twilight Sparkle galloped in the restaurant. She overslooked the 'Slippy Hazard' sign, before she slipped over the freshly-cleaned tiled floor. She had to be very good at this, because she performed a pirourette... before she bumped into Trixie accidentally, making her drop her crossbow. As the two stood up, Twilight instantly recognized Trixie and began to apoligize "S-sorry, Trixie! I didn't mean to bump into you!" She looked on the ground and spotted the crossbow which Trixie has lost. "Here, this is yours," she picked up the weapon magically and held it over to Trixie. But she had other plans. She held a hoof in the air, swinging it dismissely, before she ran out from the restaurant... "Trixie! Your crossbow!" "OH MY GOSH! SHE HAS GOT A WEAPON! SHE WILL KILL US ALL!" the salesmare shouted as she turned around to get some coffee for herself, but then she spotted Twilight holding a crossbow. The salesmare jumped over the paydesk and runs for the exit. The other guests were shouting in unleashed death anxiety, too, before they head out as well. "What? This is not mine!" she exclaimed flabbergasted. She looked around as her stomach growls again, "Can I get something to eat?" After the dark recognition that the restaurant is empty and the food is out, she trotted back to the chariot. She placed the crossbow onto the seat next to her. 'I must register Trixie's weapon,' Twilight thought. She tried to be nice to Trixie and do something for her. So she headed to some Police Officers who were stacking up at a bank... "Silver, Stallion, Chariot Unit One are responding code three to 82th Starswirl Road at the bank for hostage barricade situation," says Miss July through the radio to Silver Vest, the leader of the current SPAT entry team. The team consists of Ferrum, Iron Steel and Golden Plate. All of them are equipped with the latest of firearm technology and other stuff. All of them were focused on the mission to clear the bank off bad ponies... before a taxi sign that came from nowhere hit Silver Vest at his head, knocking him out cold. "Lead has been injured!" Iron Steel yelled, before he turned to the origin of the taxi sign... Twilight drove to them, but the magical spell she used to make the chariot driving under her will, had not a breaker included, so she used a lantern. Unfortanely and thanks to the physicalic laws of the nature, the taxi sign from the top of the chariot let loose and was sent flying directly at the SPAT leaders head... "Sorry... I'm here for registering this weapon..." Twilight said and holds up the crossbow. "SHE HAS GOT A WEAPON!" a nearby police mare shouted. "DROP THE WEAPON! DO IT NOW!!!" yells Golden Plate as he pointed his minigun at her. "Oh buck, why nopony listens to me?!" Twilight whined as she drove backwards. She stopped to make a turn and... ...and Prince Blueblood suddenly jumped in the chariot as he came from a nearby bordell. He commanded "To Westminster Street, but hurry!". He did not paid attention at the driver. Twilight began to drive forwards, accidentally running over Ferrum and Golden Plate, who were trying to open the doors of the chariot, killing them. "This is an mistake. I'm not a taxi pony..." Twilight said. "I don't care. You're driving a taxi, so bring me to my destination!" Prince Blueblood snorted and tilted his head to the side for no reason. Meanwhile, one magical driven black police chariot took chase of the fast taxi chariot, while a loud and masculine voice comes from it's megaphones "THIS IS THE POLICE! STOP THE CHARIOT AND GET OUT!" "You don't understand, prince! I don't want to be a taxi driver!" the poor, now most wanted, lavender unicorn whined. She made the chariot taking a turn under a bridge. The police chariot was not prepared for this at it slammed against one of the supporters beams of the bridge, exploding in one instant. Instantly, Twilight get lost of her most wanted status as she was out from the officers vield of view. "You... you know what?" snorted the snob prince suddenly loudly, "Stop this bucking vehicle and let me out!" "Please listen to me! You don't undestand! Stay inside" she said back as she stops the chariot. But Blueblood did not listen to her, instead he opened the door and stepped out "You know what? When I'm around you, you could bi--- AAAAAAAAAH!!" Suddenly, Blueblood fell through a hole in the street and out of Canterlot. There is no need for an explenation why the fuck there is a hole in the street, it is just there, so deal with it. The main thing is, the swine is dead. "I've tried to warn you... sorry prince." she said, but she did not meant it serious. And again suddenly, a scroll appeared before her eyes. It wore the royal ensemble. She opened it with her magic and began to read. Dear faithful slaveTwilight Sparkle, ...WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?! Nevermind, a foreign ambassador waits for you at Babostreet for picking up, he wants to show you something in the Canterlot Internetcafe. I saw you driving around with a taxi, so why not make yourself for something up to? Sincerely, Solar FlarePrincess Celestia "Hmph... okay, then I'll get him..." Twilight murmured as she drives to the Babostreet... The foreign ambassador was a griffon with a baseball cap on his head. He looked very excited (if you know what I mean) and very forward to show somepony something. Twilight halted the chariot next to the griffon so he can step in instantly. She greeted the griffon eagerly "Hello, my name is Twilight Sparkle. I'll bring you to the Internet Cafe and-" She cut herself off as she heard the griffon speaking with such a speed that would make Pinkie Pie jealous... and of course, in his native language "Hallo, mein Name ist Reiner und ich wollte schon immer das neue Videospiele Konzept euch zeigen. Wisst ihr, in dieser Welt wo...(*1 translation at the end of this story!)" Twilight stopped listening to him, because she did not understand a single word "Like I thought, I would not understand a single word." The speed of the griffons words made her only driving faster to the destination of the passenger, to get rid off hthe griffon as soon as possible. She dodged other ponies with ease, but the griffon in the chariot was shoven at the sides everytime. The griffon, however, kept talking like mad "Man muss seine Chancen sofort erkennen und auch nutzen bevor es ein anderer macht. Die Ideen muss nicht den anderen gefallen, sondern nur dir selbst. Man muss über sich selbst hinaus wachsen. So ist das halt in meinem Branchengebiet sonst hat man keine weiteren Chancen!" slowly but surely the griffon's face changed it's colour to green, "... sag mal was fährst du denn hier für eine Kacke zusammen, ich glaub ich muss gleich kotzen!(*2)" "Excuse me, but it is difficult to listen to you, driving the chariot and reading the translations at the same time! If you are about to vomit, then swallow it down!" Twilight said, as she stops next to the internet cafe "So, here we are!" So the two are entering the cafe and sitting down at a computer. The griffon brought out a USB-Flashdrive and plugged it in the computer. In the window of the USB-Flashdrive, he started a program named 'Call Of Duty: Black Guards'. "Oh, is it a videogame?" Twilight asked excited. She never had the time to play videogames, because she was so busy with her study the magic of friendship. All other ponies are having jobs, but she was the only grown mare who has not one. Instead, she gets unemployment benefits. Maybe she should stop study the magic of friendship (she studied it since she was a filly), and start study something else, maybe she should study electronics? This study just need four to five years (A/N: I study electronics, I know what I writing about!!!), then she could get a apprenticeship for electronics, then after three more years she is an real electrician and she could get a job, own her own money, find a nice stallion, rut his juice empty and have a nice life with a lot of foals. Princess Celestia can fuck herself somewhere with the magic of friendship! It contains no use for the general public. Everyone today has problems with electronic devices and she could help them all! THIS IS USEFUL IN THE GENERAL PUBLIC!!! Ehem... back to topic... As soon as the griffon began to play, her eyes widened at the sheer gory contents of the game. Everything is shown from the first-pony-perspective (FPS), the griffon claws were visible, and holding a XM216 Minigun while firing it at other griffons. As the demo game ends, the griffon asked her "Und? War doch ganz geil, oder?(*3)" After Twilight read the translation, she answered "I don't know... it's rather violent, it contains no educational values and mainly..." she picked up Trixies crossbow from the ground "Why the griffon has suddenly a weapon? I don't understan-" TWANG!!! A arrow leaves the crossbow at a soundbarrier breaking speed, hitting the griffon square center in his chest, killing him instantly, shocking the other ponies in the cafe and they all left the cafe while shouting "SHE KILLED AN GRIFFOM! AND NOW SHE WILL KILL US!" Twilight rusheD out from the cafe, holding the crossbow in her magic "Sorry, sorry... the crossbow... I forget to switch on the safety!" The ex-taxi driver from before stood along with a few other taxi driver, talking about significant stuff like about the dust from where the zebras are coming or that a sack of rice has fallen over in the Griffon Empire. Horrible news... really horrible and important. Suddenly, the ex-taxi driver pony recognized Twilight who was standing in front of the cafe, before he yelled "Hey! That's the bitch which took my job!" "SHE'S STEALING OUR JOBS!!!!!!!!!" were shouting the other taxi driver as they mount (haha) their own chariots, to take chase of Twilight who jumped in her own taxi chariot, to drive away as fast as her magic could, as some police chariot were driving around a street crossing, to take chase of her, too... Every TV channel in Equestria are reporting the current happening in Canterlot. A important looking mare with blonde mane reports the status "A crazy and insane pony has an chase with the police and..." she looked at the sheets of paper in front of her in disbelief "Taxi ponies... We still don't know the reason for her behaviour..." "I must get my flank to the castle..." Twilight groaned, not taking attention of the many chariots behind her.   "We are switching to Miss July, the pegasus mare from the well-known Special Ponies And Tactics. She is in the flying chariot to watch over the situation." The tv-camera switches to the inboard camera of the flying chariot. The chariot can fly due of the many magical dragon wings that were mounted on the side of it. The pilot is Iron Steel, another SPAT member. Miss July, the dispatch mare from SPAT, wears a rather large headset. She turned around to talk in the camera "You will not believe what we can see! The insane pony drives with an abnormal speed through the streets of Canterlot, while the police and... taxi chariots are right behind her!  Oh, she has got an accident, she has driven into a lantern... now she broke into a bicycle shop and stole an bicycle! Now she drives with the bicycle on the main street to the castle! We are diving down to get a closer look at the pony." She switched the camera to one of the static ironwings cameras. The flying chariot dove down to the streets of Canterlot, unfortanely in front of Twilight... Her body hit one of the flapping dragon wings. The force of the impact hurled her off from the bicycle and into one of the outside cameras, destroying it with one instant. The mare from the news ask "Miss July, is everything okay?" The screen switched back to the onboard camera, showing again Miss July "You will not believe what just happened! The suspect pony sits directly next to me!" Twilight sat in the pilot seat. How she get there, no swine knows, but hell, she was sitting in a flying chariot! The pilot was kicked out somehow, so yes, he died. So tragic. "I'm really sorry for what I did, I really am! But I need to get to the castle! Do you know how I can fly this thing?" Twilight asked, turning to the buttons and levers on the console. "No plan, I have never flew one of this chariots before!" Miss July replied back. "I wonder what this button does..." Twilight asked herself as she pushed said RED button on the console before her. Suddenly, a pair of gatlings were swinging out from each side of the chariot and beginning instantly to shoot... the noise they made was like this. The houses in front of the chariot were instantly transformed into thin dust as the cloud of cal 50 bmg rounds impacted on them. "WHY THE BUCK YOU HAVE MACHINEGUNS ON YOUR TV-CHARIOT?!" Twilight shouted frantically, trying to find the button that could switch off the gatlings. "It was an gift from the Griffon Empire!" Miss July shouted back. "AND WHY I CAN'T SWITCH THEM OFF?!" "Must be a griffon thingy..." Miss July said, as Twilight began to fly to the direction of the castle, gatlings still shooting. Soon they were over the castle... Suddenly, a scroll appearrf in front of Twilight. It was from Princess Celestia. Dear Twilight Sparkle, If you don't show up here in the next minute, then you won't become a princess and I'll step on the roof of your house!!1! SAUS ROFL XD $@€%!?*'#ߧ LOL the keyboard is sticking! Best greetings from the first motherbucking ruler of this wastelandcountry. "NO! I'll step on YOUR roof!" Twilight smirked as she dove down at one of the many towers of the castle... SCHLICK! KABOOM! Princess Celestia waited with Princess Luna in the throne hall and looking at some boring and not-bulletproof coloured windows, as the whole castle shook once. A few minutes later, the doors of the hall were opening, revealing a panting Twilight. With her, a Night Guard, yelling "THE LUNAR WING HAS BEEN DESTROYED!!!" "MY PONYBOX ONE! NOOOOOOOO!" Princess Luna shrieked, galloping out with the Night Guard and leaving Twilight and Princess Celestia alone in the throne hall. "Twilight, it's about the time..." Princess Celestia said, giving her the stink eye... "I'm sorry! So sorry! I don't know how to explain!" Twilight sobbed. "Explain me this!" Princess Celestia exclaimed, showing her a pile of complaint letters. "This...? This is..." Princess Celestia turned round to Twilight "The washing machine was not paid, the Taxi company is bankrupt, the Griffon Empire sits in my neck and the SPAT says I should pay for an new chariot! Do you know what this means?!" "N-No...?" Twilight stammered, shrinking at Celestias immortal size. "That means we need more princesses to put our land in a good light! You get a rank-up!" Princess Celestia said smiling "You'll be turned into a alicorn, but also cursed with immortality!" "Hooray!" Twilight shouted in joy. Meow... Translations: 1. Hello, my name is Reiner, and I always wanted to show you all the new videogame concept. You know, in this world... 2. You must realize immidiately your chances and use them before someone else uses them. The others must not like your ideas, just of yourself. You have to grow over yourself. That is what my knowledge of industry does, otherwise you don't have other chances...[...]... what are your driving together for a poop, I think I'm about to vomit! 3. And? It was awesome, wasn't it?