The week after Pinkie Pie moved in was relatively uneventful. I spent my down time trying to learn more about my new roommate and her people. While some folks like Don were poring over every scrap of info concerning the pony visitors, I had mostly ignored it as the usual sensationalist news from around the world. I mean, I never thought I would even meet one, let alone live with one. Good old Goofle provided most of what I needed, and BluTube had several interviews and documentaries on them.
The first one was a interview with Twilight Sparkle and some famous anthropologist, and was a bit dry, but informative. As the purple princess sat down, I could see she had wings and a horn, and wore some silly dress that looked like it belonged on a doll. She smiled nervously, and she glanced towards the camera, but then fixed the usual celebrity fake smile on her face as the host welcomed her.
"Thank you for being with us today, Princess Sparkle." The host was an elderly man, sounding slightly British. He reminded me of old animal documentary narrators.
"Oh, it's a pleasure to be here today. And please, just call me Twilight." The lavender pony smiled brightly at the older human, and took a seat on the provided couch.
"Yes, Twilight. So we are all very much interested in hearing about your home, a land of magic and rainbows. A land where friendship is a force and not just a concept. Tell us about your world. Is it truly magic?" The skeptical tone crept into his voice, and Twilight seemed to take it in stride.
"Yes, professor, Magic is just as real in my world as Electromagnetism is in yours. It is a quantifiable force that is intrinsic to our reality. It also seems to be exclusive to the basic laws of our universe, and not found in yours, so I can understand the skepticism."
"Yes, there is a quote from one of our greatest minds that goes: 'Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.' So we have found in our pursuit of knowledge that almost every force once believed to be magic in our world has eventually been revealed to be science that was merely misunderstood." Warming up to the discussion, the older professor started to become more animated, and less aware that he had a rather large audience watching them.
Twilight as well seemed to lose her nervousness and take on a scholarly tone of her own, lecturing proficiently on the subject at hand. "Oh we have has similar statements said by some of our great minds, and in the past it was mostly true. Much of the way things work were labeled as magic, but later became understood as the nature in which our world works. But the more we understood, the more we came to recognize that there is actually a measurable force behind what became known as true magic. It is the force that lets us defy the other basic laws of reality and alter it to the will of the caster." She paused for a moment, taking on a wry smile. "Sadly, very few creatures in our world can consciously wield true magic, so it is still largely unexplored. Even among us Ponies, only the unicorns," She chuckled dryly at herself. "and the rare Alicorn, like myself, that can control it to any measurable degree."
"I see. So why is it that you say that magic is unique to your world? Are the laws of the universe not constant?" A flawless setup for the next part of the discussion. It was clear this guy knew his way around an interview.
"And excellent point, and for the most part it's true. The laws of the universe are constant, within that universe. We have come to the conclusion that Equestria must lay outside the universe that earth resides in. The moment we enter the portal to earth, magic users can no longer cast or detect magic. Telekinesis seems to still work, since it is apparently separate from the higher functions of magic manipulation, and in fact there are reports of humans having the gift." Waving a hoof at the skeptical look of her host, she amended, "So I have read. I still have not met any humans that can do it. On the other hoof, we found that any electronics more advanced than a basic vacuum tube cease to function in Equestria. All the fancy gadgets that humans have come to rely on just won't work over there, and nopony has been able to determine why. It's theorized that the electromagnetic force operates differently or is weaker somehow in the presence of the stronger magical force that is found in our universe." Beaming proudly at her explanation, the princess seemed totally in her element as she rambled on.
Thankfully, the rather boring discussion was interrupted by a knock on my door. Pinkie had learned rather painfully to knock before entering my room, no matter if the door is open or not. Or whether or not it was locked, with a 'do-not-disturb' sign, barbed wire, and a flaming pit of rabid piranha. Personal space is valuable to us humans, and if she ever wanted her mane to grow back right, she would respect mine.
I told her to come in, and she opened the door with a hoof, while holding a pink coffee mug labeled 'Best Pony' in her other hoof. I blinked in confusion on how a quadruped could even do that while remaining upright.
Ignoring my baffled stare, she casually took a sip from and looked around my room. "Whatcha up to Louis?"
"Oh, I was just watching some videos on ponies. I figured since I am living with one, I may as well learn more about them. You. More about you. How the hell are you doing that?" I floundered, pointing at the mug.
Looking at the mug, she crinkled her muzzle in confusion. "What, drinking coffee? It's good! Especially with cocoa in it! We really need to serve this at Sugarcube Corner. The Cakes would make a fortune waking ponies up in the morning."
"No, I mean how the hell are you holding the mug with a hoof? You don't even have any fingers."
"Oh that! Yeah, the guys in quarantine really freaked out the first time they saw it. Ponies don't have fingers, but with cloven hoofsies, and our thumb we can hold stuff." She looked confused a moment. "I mean my thumb. No, no, it's thumb." Looking even more confused she stared at the offending limb. "That’s funny, whenever I try to say thumb, the spell makes it come out as thumb! Thumb! Thumb! Thumb!" Giggling, she waved her hoof at me. I could see that it looked more like a deer or goat hoof than a horse, and where the center 'frog' area was normally hollow, there seemed to be a dark rubbery pad. To my surprise, as I stared at the pad, it wiggled and flexed away from the hoof like the thumb on an oven mitt. It was clear that it was not as flexible as a real human thumb, but could possibly allow for some ability to grab small objects.
"We have a different name for it, but I guess it must not translate well. The spell keeps making me call it a thumb." Shrugging, she took another sip of her coffee, shuddering in pleasure as her eyes half lidded. "Ahhh, that’s the good stuff!"
Suddenly it clicked what was really bothering me. "Wait, you said spell. What spell? I was just watching your friend, the princess, say that magic doesn't even work here. And you yourself were having a breakdown the other day that you couldn’t do magic. You're one of them earth ponies, right? And only unicorns can do magic."
"Of course I can't do magic, silly. But my friend, Twilight told me that while she can't cast magic over here, whatever spells she casts in Equestria will keep working over here, as long as she puts enough power into it. And believe me, she has more than enough power! She was like a super egghead unicorn before she ever became an alicorn princess." This was followed by another sip and shudder, as the smile grew on her face. I would have to keep an eye on her coffee intake, lest I find that it's some sort of addictive narcotic to ponies. Do they even have a Caffeine Anonymous?
Meanwhile the gears were turning in my head. Magic didn’t work over here, but enchantments cast beforehand did? This was some choice information that I filed away for later research.
"Hold on, you said you were in quarantine? What were you sick or something?" I cringed back in horror. "You don't have some sorta Pony Flu do you?"
Pinkie rolled her eyes and giggled at my reaction. "No, silly. I'm as healthy as a horse. Or a pony. Or a really healthy pony-sized horse." She paused to think, looking adorable with her tongue sticking out the side of her mouth. "Anyway, they said they had to test to make sure we wouldn’t get sick on earth, or that we wouldn’t get you all sick. It was boooring! They kept us in these small rooms for weeks before they found out we were safe."
"Hmm, hold on, I think I do read something about that." I turned back to the computer to search 'pony quarantine' and found the article. I hadn't really read it back then, thinking it was something to do with livestock, or mad cow disease. I quickly skimmed the article finding the relevant details.
"Experts theorized that one of several scenarios would happen. One was the possible 'War of the Worlds' theory, where the newcomers would be completely undefended against even the most common of bacteria, and would die from the common cold or something similar. This would make visitation between worlds almost impossible, for fear of cross infection. The other theory was called the 'Columbus Scenario'. This idea stated that exposure to our world would in fact render them stronger than us, and generate a social imbalance. The visitor would be barely affected by the new environment, while the diseases they carried would spread and wipe out the natives. As it turned out the truth was neither. The genetic makeup of both species rendered them totally incompatible with the flora they each carried. Ponies could not catch anything from earth, and vice versa. In addition, ponies were immune to many toxins, such as poison ivy and many other plants. Humans however were still quite susceptible to Equestrian plants, as was evidenced by one researcher being turned from a man, into a female anthropomorphic rabbit. It was a rather large surprise to all parties involved as this was revealed to be his secret fetish. A large movement to immigrate to Equestria was later curtailed when it was revealed that the effects of the plant were random and uncontrollable. The group of humans calling themselves 'Furries' were the most disappointed."
At my side, I heard a sound of disgust, followed by a shudder. I looked down to see Pinkie making a face while reading the screen. "What?"
"Oh, sorry. I know most humans are nice and all, and the ones that call themselves Bronies kinda worship us." She paused to roll her eyes at me. "But those furries kinda creep me out. I saw pictures, and they are really, really creepy."
I couldn't help it, I laughed. Having been around the internet most of my life, I had seen many things, and I understood the reaction. No matter how nice and well meaning any group is, there will always be those fringe weirdos that make the rest look bad.
"Well if it's any consolation, even most of the furries are creeped out by it. Every group has it's extremists that take things too far." I gently patted the pony on her head. "I'm sure there's even some ponies that would want to have sex with humans too."
Looking up at me with a horrified expression, Pinkie took a step back. "Who said anything about sex? I'm okay with that. Like I told you, nopony's business what happens in the bedroom. I'm just disgusted by those freaky Fursuiters." She gave a mock gag and a shudder to emphasize her point. I lost control and laughed myself hoarse while Pinkie stared on in dismay.
"It's not funny! Have you seen those things? It's like the world scariest clown costume, made out of your best friend's corpse! They give me nightmares. NIGHTMARES I tells ya!" Closing her eyes, she slugged back the last of her coffee and made a face.
Meanwhile, I grinned evilly as I pulled up something truly sadistic. Anthrocon. The screams could be heard blocks away.
After I managed to talk Pinkie out of the closet she has hid herself in, I got ready for work. I swear, they make the schedules with a dart board every week, and I never know what shift I am going to get each day. Tonight it was closing shift, so I ran off to sell office equipment to the consumer sheep at low, low prices and be bitched at by my boss for not selling enough warranties. Or tune ups. Or whatever stupid thing the company decided it desperately needed to focus on while ignoring everything else this week. Yay, retail.
So the day went surprisingly fast for a change, with lots of work to do and very few customers. I cherished days like this, when I got to feel I was actually doing something instead of spinning in place trying to do twelve things at once and failing at all of them. Pinkie was lucky to have the day off, so I was prepared to another surprise party or some other shenanigans as I made my way home. I have to admit, as much as she frustrated me with her zany weirdness, she was starting to grow on me, and I secretly was starting to enjoy the break from the ennui that was my life. not that I would ever tell her that. I enjoyed being the Ricky to her Lucy. Every goofball needed a straight man.
I was not, however, prepared to what greeted me when I returned home. Remember those thongs I mentioned the ponies wearing? Yes, it was pretty much the only clothing they wore all the time, and one of the few things that let the normally prudish American media accept them so easily. Well suddenly I was face to face with one as I opened my door. I blinked a moment before I realized what it was, then quickly sidestepped as I entered. The sight that lay before me was like something out of a porno clothing designer's nightmare. It was as if a thong factory had exploded in my home. Every surface of my home was covered in pink furry thongs. I think I even saw a few black ones, which really made me shudder to think of the implications.
What was worse, it seemed even the spaces in between were covered in pink fur. My house had become the world's largest shag carpet. I know it's cliché, but I freaked.
"PINKIE PIE!" I screamed like a bad cartoon villain. I was beyond upset, I was pissed off. And I was more than a little grossed out. I was really hoping that all of these undergarments were clean.
"In the kitchen Louis!" The sound of water splashing accompanied the high pitched voice of my roommate.
I slowly crept across the room, trying to avoid touching any of the suspicious garments. What I found in my kitchen was equally as baffling. All across the room were strings of pink thongs, and in the middle of it all stood an equally bizarre sight. Pinkie was on a stool at my sink, happily washing something, while wearing what looked like a pair of my boxers. What was even stranger is how she appeared to have either lost some sort of bet, or really pissed off a barber. All over her body were smooth patches of fuzz as if she had been shaved, leaving behind random swaths of thick fur.
I may not have explained it well, but the ponies are not the smooth coated creatures from the show. Apparently their world was sort of like Australia, with the seasons reversed from my home hemisphere. So while it was early summer here, it was mid-winter in Equestria. As a result, Pinkie's coat looked more like a llama or a sheep than a pony. Unless you count those furry steppe ponies I saw on International Photographic.
And now, apparently she was shedding her thick winter coat. All over my house. I was not amused.
"Pinkie! What the unholy FUCK are you doing? Why had my house turned into 'Day Off at the Pink Brothel'? And for the love of Jim Henson, why the hell are you naked?"
I have to admit, she at least had the decency to blush and look embarrassed, which I could now more clearly see through the gaps in her fur.
"Oh, but I'm always naked, silly! Well, except for my fundies!" Again she looked confused, and scratched her head. "Hmm, I guess that’s another word that doesn't translate. But anyway, It's wash day, and I needed to get them all washed since I was all outta clean ones." She sighed and rolled her eyes. "And wouldn’t you know it, my coat decides to pick today of all days to start shedding! I mean UUGH! I hate shedding, it gets all over everything, and it's so itchy, and suddenly I get chilly at random times until I get used to my new coat, and then I have to groom for a week until it all starts growing right!"
I just stared at her, and deadpanned, "Really? Seriously Pinkie, what are you, a fuckin cat? Are you gonna start clawing my furniture? I already told you I don't want any animals because they ruin my house!"
"Oh please Louis, don't be mad at me! I promise I will clean this all up, and it only lasts a few days until I am all done shedding. I won't be a bother, I Pinkie Promise!" She started to tear up and her lower lip trembled, as she gave me the most comical set of puppy dog eyes I have ever seen. It took every bit of control not to burst out laughing. "Please don't kick me out, Louis! I really like having you as my friend, and living here, and I got no place else to go!"
I broke. Plopping in the nearest chair, I put my face in my hands and laughed. I think that scared her more than anything, as she was backing away with a terrified expression when I looked up.
"Seriously, Pinkie. What the fuck am I gonna do with you? You are so annoying, and yet you are retardedly cute. Not to mention just plain 'ol regular retarded at times."
She seemed to cheer up a bit as she smiled and stepped closer. "So does that mean you aren't mad?"
"Oh, I'm mad. I'm fuckin furious. But at the same time, I haven't laughed this hard in years." I shook my head and looked around the room. "I mean, seriously? Why the fuck are you using my sink to do laundry, and why the FUCK is it hanging all over my damn house?" I stood up and pointed at one of the more offending pieces. "AND WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THE UNHOLY FUCKS DO YOU OWN THAT?"
Her head spun around to a pair of black lace panties, with a functional hole for the tail. Next to it was a garter belt, and a pair of fishnet stockings. Once again, I got to see about half of her body blush as she looked at the floor while rubbing her hooves together. "Weeelll… A girl likes to feel sexy some times. And besides, how else so you wash cloths?"
I collapsed back into the chair and buried my face in my hands again. "Seriously Pinkie. There is a name for all this. They are called 'Unmentionables' for a reason. This brings new meaning to the term 'Airing your dirty laundry'. No offense, but it's literally a side of you I do not need to see." I sighed and looked up again at the now shamefaced pony. "And finally, you use the clothes washer and dryer. THAT is how you wash your… things."
"Wait, you have something that does that?" Her eyes lit up with wonder, and I almost gave myself a bruise by facepalming.
"Yes Pinkie, we do. So first I am going to show you how to use it, and then you are going to start cleaning up this mess. I do not want to find a single pink hair by tomorrow."
Once again, I was tackle-hugged by the pink furball, although now she was more of a fuzzball. "Oh thank you! Does this mean I can stay?"
"Yes Pinkie, you can stay." I felt her grip get even stronger, and I started to have trouble breathing for a moment, before she let go. I was finally teaching her some restraint with her manic hugging.
"And Pinkie?" I deadpanned.
"Yes, Louis?" She smiled brightly and even fluttered her eyes at me. This earned her an eye roll from myself.
"Next time, I would appreciate it if you ask before you borrow my boxers." I gave her a wry smile.
"Eheheh. Oopsie. Sorry about that." And again, the adorable blush. I sighed and ambled off to show her the wonders of modern laundry.
So a few hours later, the laundry was washed and dried, the house was vacuumed, having only emptied the chamber three times. I was ever so grateful for finally having a use for the extra furniture attachments, and Pinkie’s antics were worth a weary chuckle as she tried them on her own fur. I found myself wearily nodding off on the couch in front of the TV, not really paying any attention to whatever was on when I was prodded awake by a pink hoof.
“Huhwha? Sup, Pinkie.” I half yawned.
“Umm, Louis? You are my friend, right?” I nodded sleepily. “And friends do each other favors, right?” Again I nodded, too tired to think of anything else yet. “I need you to do me a really really big favor. Please?”
“Ya sure, Pinks. Whatcha need?”
Suddenly my vision was filled by a wall of pink, with a fuzzy pink doughnut stuck to it. I blinked a moment before my brain kicked into gear and the pattern recognition part of it delivered a rather frantic report on what I was seeing.
“Ahh! For fucks sake, Pinkie! Get your damn pony pucker outta my face, and get some fuckin clothes on!” I screamed, and shoved the offending wall of fur out of my face in disgust. “I was right, you are part cat, aren't you? Fuckin shoving your ass in people’s face! UGH! That's disgusting.”
“Oh please Louis, I need your help! It itches so bad, and I can't reach my tushie! I can brush my mane, tail and front hoofsies, but I can't reach my bottom to groom the shedding fur!” She emphasized the point by rubbing her rear end on the floor like a dog with worms, and I could see a clear trail of pink fur being left behind where we had just finished cleaning.
I quickly grabbed a magazine off the coffee table and rolled it up, bopping her on the head. “NO! Bad Pinkie! We don't do that on the clean carpet!” I sighed and sat back down on the couch as she looked at me plaintively. ”So you need me? How the hell do you do this back home then?”
“Ooh, I usually go to the salon like most earth ponies, or have my friends help me brush it out. We don't have magic like the unicorns, or grabby wings like the pegasi. We kinda learn to look after each other and stuff. It’s a great bonding thing.” And again the puppydog eyes. “And you said you are my friend, so I really really need your help right now because it itches so bad and I can't sleep and I’m just gonna shed more and make your house a mess again and you will get mad at me and not wanna be my friend anymore!”
Through this entire rant I just stared at her. From the outside it may have looked as if I was a heartless, uncaring bastard. The truth was actually that I was still half asleep, and the gears in my head full of sand as they ground slowly to a useable conclusion.
“So let me get this straight. You want me to help you brush your ass, because you can't reach it and it itches. And if I do, you will stop shedding all over the place and go to sleep?” I could swear I heard marbles bouncing in her head as she vigorously nodded.
Sighing with the weariness of the damned, I rolled my eyes heavenward and silently prayed for strength. “Get the brush.”
Happily she bounced off to her room, coming back with an odd brush in her mouth and looking like a giant pink puppy playing fetch. I patted my lap, and she pounced on me, flopping across my legs. I winced a bit at her weight, then wiggled myself to get comfortable before taking the brush from her.
“Oh thank you, thank you, thank you! I need this so much!” I just rolled my eyes again and considered spanking her with the brush, before deciding that may give the wrong idea after seeing what was in her wardrobe. No sir, not into pink pony paddling here.
Looking over the brush, I saw it was some sort of grooming tool, with long metal spines and rounded tips to keep it from scratching. It must have been brought from home, or bought from a pet shop. Beginning to work on the remaining patches of fur, I found it worked pretty well at pulling away the thicker fur while leaving the shorter fuzzy coat behind.
“Ya know, I can't help but wonder if people would pay for some of this stuff.” I grinned as the thought hit me, and received a giggle in response. “Imagine, a genuine pony-fur scarf! I bet that designer friend of yours would love that idea.”
“Ooh, you’re right! And it would be so much better than just stuffing toys with it. Although I would have to find something else to make my toys so fluffy!”
“Oh, you bake, throw parties AND make toys?” I pondered as I continued to groom the more sensitive parts of my patient. I couldn't help but notice how she twitched as I groomed over her cutie mark.
“Of course I make toys! What kinda birthday party would it be if you didn't get gifts? And I make sure every gift I give has a little bit of me in it.”
“That is awfully sweet of you Pinkie.” I gave her a one-armed hug from behind.
In response, I got a giggle which morphed into a huge yawn. The conversation lulled as we were both very tired, and I mechanically continued brushing the soft pink butt-fur of my friend. The absurdity of it all didn't even register due to my exhausted state, until I noticed that Pinkie had began to purr.
“Yep, definitely part cat.” I muttered quietly. Soon after, the purring faded into a light snoring, and I smiled as I drifted off to sleep myself, warm with my very own pony blanket across my lap.