//------------------------------// // Chapter 10: Pastries and Parolees // Story: Mobster Meets Equestria // by Caddy Finz //------------------------------// Chapter 10: Pastries and Parolees "So, Vinnie." The yellow stallion who owned Sugarcube Corner began as he interviewed me for the job. "How much experience do you have in baking?" "Well, I actually got into it at an early age." I replied. "I really got a kick outta making muffins when I was about seven years old. not very long after that, I started working with anything you could think of." It was all true. Being a mob hitman never stopped me from locking the doors and closing the blinds at my place, putting on my favorite apron and baking stuff until I got too buzzed on wine to stand up. As long as I have been doing that, my mother and myself were the only ones who knew about that until she passed. In order to preserve my image as a tough guy, I couldn't let the fellas I worked with to find out or I'd be branded as a sissy for life. "Excellent." The Blue mare with the pink and not to mention, incredibly fucked up looking mane replied. "How are you with working under the pressures of high customer volume during busy seasons?" "Lady, you're talking to a guy who worked at a fifteen million dolla-er bit a year auto par- I mean, uh cart parts store in one of the biggest cities in the country I'm from. On top of that, I was the best salesman the joint ever saw and will ever see again." There's a place and time for everything but this wasn't the one to mention that I was a criminal. That did mean that I dealt with pressure though. Evading law enforcement wasn't exactly a walk in Central Park. "Hey, I like your can-do attitude there, guy." The yellow one said. "How does twelve bits an hour sound?" "I say ya got yourself a fuckin' deal!" I answered as I rose to my feet and made a fist to bump his hoof. "Great! We need all the help we can get this time of year. We'll have you start right now. Pinkie will be training you." Who woulda thought a guy could drop F-bombs during a job interview and still get hired? I actually wasn't sure about how that stunt would end up when I thought about it before, but really I started swearing up a storm just for the sake of finding out if I could. Shit, I still can't believe I did that. "Vinnie!" Pinkster exclaimed as I entered the kitchen to put on an apron and start work. "Congrats on getting the job!" "Well Pinkster" I replied. "It really helps out when you have connections. Trust me, I know all about that kinda shit." "Neato. Well, we're really swamped with orders right now so lets get to it! I'll show you how much butter to grease the baking pans up with and then I'll talk you through the steps on rolling crusts for pi-" "Done!" I said as I pulled a pan of cupcakes out of the oven I put together while Pinkster was chatting. "What's next?" Pinkster just stood there looking at me with her jaw literally on the floor. Being a pony who seemed capable of nearly breaking the fourth wall, I didn't expect this to be such a surprise to her. A talking horse who could hold onto even the smallest of objects with a non cloven hoof or pull a beach ball outta thin air was flabbergasted by my ability to bake a dozen cupcakes as fast as I had. "Holy shit!" She shouted out of disbelief. "That's fucking incredible! Do you think you could do that again?" "I could do it while blindfolded and drunk with the my hands cuffed behind my back!" "We've got a line of hungry, hammered ponies stretching all the way to the outskirts of town! I'll head the counter and you man the kitchen! Let's go!" Four Hours Later "Discord all fuckin' mighty!" I said as the last customer, who happened to be Cloud Speed stumbled out of the building. "I hadn't seen a rush like that since this one time I had nine squad cars and two choppers on my ass!" "Ahahaha! Silly futher mucker!" Cloud slurred as she struggled to keep from falling over. "You can't chop yer ass off! Dat's stupid!" "Go back to sleep, punk!" I said jokingly as I whipped a cupcake at her so hard that it stuck in her eye. "You're lucky I'm a vegetarian!" Another one of my "sissy secrets" that I wouldn't have wanted my associates to know about. Unless one really got me pissed off, I always liked animals and could never for the life of me get myself to hurt one. That always kept me from wanting to eat any. I coulda made a bundle as a circus freak. The only Italian guy in the whole friggin' world who is a vegetarian. "Vinnie, you're a riot!" Pinkster laughed. "You just forced her to make a pinkie promise!" "Good one, Pinkster!" I replied as I offered my fist for a bump. "Hey, once we're done with our break and I finish this cigarette, I'll show ya how to make these canolis I told ya about. You'll love 'em." "So what's all the hubbub over those cigarettes? What makes you want them even though they stink so bad?" "Eh, some kinda pesticide called nicotine they put in it. As soon you smoke a couple of these, the tobacco company has just made ya their bitch." "I dunno why, but that sounds kinda fun. Can I try one?" "Whoa there, kid! The few days I've been here, you've become my friend and I honestly wouldn't wish this curse on my worst enemy. There's no way I'm gonna let that happen to you!" "That bad, huh?" "It's the worse thing you could do to yourself. Come to think of it, with all the sweets I've been eating lately, I'm shocked I haven't gotten diabetes. Although, I was a bit too thin when I got here so the few pounds I put on shouldn't hur-" "It's been 2 years and I'm calling you tab, Hoity Toity!" The Owner, Mr. Cake said as he was arguing with a gray stallion with a white mane wearing purple aviators. "Either pay what you owe or you get no service!" "Mr. Cake, I don't think you understand who you are dealing with" The asshole replied. "With just one letter to some powerful ponies like myself, I can have this place shut down. Now you just be a good little colt and get me one of those fritt-ACK!" "You heard him, chump!" I shouted in the pony's face with my hand on his throat. "Unless you wanna end up six hooves under with an ice pick in your eye, I suggest ya pony up what you owe! Capiche?" "B-b-but, uhm, y-you got me all wrong, my good sir!" The scared stallion answered. "It was all in good fun you know just a joke you see I-I-I was just paying a visit to m-my good friend Mr. Cake here and I was planning on pa-" Blam! To show this already terrified prick I meant business, I pulled out my .38 and fired it into the air causing the rest of his coat to turn as white as his mane. He then responded by tossing a huge bag of bits onto the counter and bolted outta the store whimpering like a little bitch. "Now you be a good little colt and tell everypony who owes money here what just happened!" I yelled as he ran outta sight. "Well I'll be dipped in shit!" Mr. Cake said. "He left a pretty good tip on his way out. That's a first." "In the other line of work I was in that I may or may not have told ya about, that's how we get two-bit shitbags like him to pay up. Although, the example ya just saw was foal's play compared to what I usually woulda done." "Well if those tactics work, you could be one of the best things that's ever happened to our business!" "If you think that now, wait till I show you how to make canolis. To the kitchen!" A Comic Book Style Transition Later "And done!" I exclaimed as I pulled a fresh batch of my favorite pastry out of the oven. "Mares and gentlecolts, what you're looking at here is a one-way ticket to the top floor of your own corporate skyscraper! Who wants to try one first?" "Ooh! me me me me me!" Pinkster chanted with a hoof in the air. Upon taking a bite of the crispy crust of chocolate filled deliciousness, Pinkster's pupils dilated until they completely filled her eyes. She continued to stare intently at the canoli in her hoof for several seconds without saying anything. I then waved my hand in front of her face and still got no response. "Everypony, I swear I did not put any uppers in these treats." I said, starting to get worried about Pinkster. "I'm sure she'll be alright as soon as we find a bucket and spla-" "Where has this been all my life?!" Pinkster screamed at the top of her lungs as she inhaled the rest of her pastry and bolted out the door. "Hey everypony! There's a new treat on the menu! Come get some!" No sooner did Pinkster finish her rant outside the store did the floor start shaking. "Is this area known for earthquakes?" I asked Mr. Cake. "Nope, but it is known for stampedes from time to time" My new employer replied. "Brace yourself" End Chapter 10