//------------------------------// // Chapter 7: Morgan the Matchmaker // Story: This Can't Be Happening // by StayOuttaMyShed //------------------------------// "What a freaking crazy day," I thought to myself as I made my way to the library. One minute I'm learning how to fly and the next I'm confronting a stalker. This world is a lot of things, but boring is definitely not one of them, that's for damn sure. The sun had just finished setting by the time I made it to Twilight's. A cool breeze wafted through the air and somewhere I could hear the crickets chirping. A good long rest was sounding pretty good right about now. "Hey, Twilight," I called out, shutting the door behind me. "I'm back." But there was no response. The whole library felt quiet and empty. "Twilight?" I called out. "You there?" More silence. Great. She's gone. "Well at least I got the place to myself, I guess. I wonder if she left a note or something." I looked around in the main room. Didn't find anything. Once I was sure she didn't leave anything in the library itself, I decided to check the kitchen, but didn't have any better luck there. "Maybe she left it upstairs." "Left what upstairs?" came a voice, suddenly. I jumped backwards with a shout, startling Spike. He held his claws up defensively, eyes wide as saucers. "Holy crap, dude, where the heck did you come from?" "I was in the basement organizing some things," Spike responded as he regained his composure. "Where have you been? Twilight said you should have been back from your flight lessons half an hour ago." "Uh, I... had... something that... needed taking care of," I replied uneasily. "But anyway, where IS Twilight?" "She told me to tell you that she was heading to the Canterlot library to see if she could find anything that could help her figure out how to get you home. She'll be back in a few days." "So...we got the place to ourselves until then?" I asked. "Pretty much. I offered to go with her, but she wanted me to stay behind and make sure you don't accidentally trash the place or something." Gee whiz, thanks Twilight. I know I can still have a hard time doing things as a pony, but I don't need a freaking baby sitter... "Well, at least that might help her find me a way home. Guess I can go ahead and get some rest." I began making my way to the guest bed, but Spike stopped me before I could reach the stairs. "Wait a minute. I've, uh, been meaning to ask you something..." I looked at Spike curiously. "Go on..." "The thing is, I'm surrounded by girls all the time so I can never get another guy's advice on things. But, since you're here, I can finally do that." "A guy's advice, eh? Sure, I guess I could help you out. What do you need advice on?" "Well...there's this girl that I've really liked for a long time now." "You mean that white pony that likes fashion?" I asked, remembering how he acted around her in what little I saw of the show before Pinkie brought me here. "Yeah, Rarity. I've been crazy for her ever since me and Twilight came to Ponyville, but she only sees me as a friend." The dreaded friendzone. An eldritch cockblocker that strikes without warning. A place I knew all too well. Even the world of ponies wasn't safe from its influences. Something had to be done! "So you want me to help you find a way to get her to see you as more than a friend? Well, Spike my man, you've come to the right guy." OK, so that's a lie. I've only had one relationship in the past few years and that ended... really badly. Still, how hard could it be to help a dragon hook up with a pony? "Awesome," Spike replied with a grin. "I knew I had to get you for advice after hearing about you going out with Lyra." "Yeah, I'm guess I'm p-prettybuttwhatt, what, what, WHAT did you just say?" "Derpy visited a while ago before you got here and told me about it," Spike replied while nodding along to his statements. "She seemed really excited, said you two made a good couple." "We are NOT a couple!" I stomped my hoof and snorted in frustration, but tried to calm down after catching these pony mannerisms. "I can't believe she's actually started spreading that around so fast. When I get my hands on that cross-eyed twerp I'm gonna-" "So does this mean you can't help me with Rarity?" Spike asked, interrupting my tirade. I coughed and composed myself. "No, I didn't say that. I can totally help you with your lady problems, I just wanted to make it clear that I didn't have the hots for a pony. What kind of freak would want to go out with a different species?" As soon as I realized what I had said, I looked down to see Spike giving me a frustrated stare, arms folded and an eyebrow raised. I flashed him a sheepish grin. "No offense, of course. There's actually plenty of people that I know back home that are into that kind of stuff." "Look, are you gonna help me get Rarity to like me or not?" Well, it's not like I have anything better to do for the next few days. "Yeah, I'll help you out. By the time I'm done with you, Rarity will practically be begging to go out with you." Spike gave me a hesitant look. "And you have experience with girls back where you come from?" he asked. "Of course," I enthusiastically replied. "Plenty of experience." "How many girls have you dated?" "Not important. What IS important is that with my expertise, you'll be dating Rarity in no time." "If you say so," Spike replied, now sounding more convinced. "When can you start helping me?" "We'll start tomorrow. I've had a long day, so I'm pretty gassed out right now." "Sounds like a plan." Spike stuck his claw out for a handshake, which I obliged to. "I really appreciate the help, Morgan." "Hey, it's no problem. Now if you'll excuse me, bed is calling my name. See you in the morning." I flew myself upstairs and landed next to my bed. It felt pretty damn good to fly here instead of clumsily stumbling up on hooves. After finally resting myself on the comfiness of the bed, I took a minute to think about what I had just promised Spike. It was bad enough how inexperienced I was with human girls, how should I know how to hook Spike up with a pony girl? I also seemed to recall Twilight saying something about Spike being a "baby" dragon in the cartoon. Would him being with Rarity make her a pedophile? Would I go to pony jail if I set these two up? "Fuck it, I'll figure it out tomorrow," I mumbled to myself before forgetting about how I'd help Spike and instead letting the welcoming embrace of slumber whisk me away. "Alright, Spike, first things first. What do you know about girls?" Spike and I were outside Rarity's boutique, keeping our distance while I quizzed him. According to him, Rarity was going to be working on her newest fashion line today, so she would be leaving soon to buy supplies in town. We didn't know when she would come out, so we were wasting no time in thinking up a game plan. "Well, they're a lot different than guys. They're more emotional, they like fashion, they-" "No no no no," I interrupted. "I mean, what do you know about what girls like in guys? What's the best way to get a girl to like you?" "Uh..." Spike paused and took a minute to ponder this. "They like when guys buy them stuff and give them lots of attention?" "Wrong! The opposite is true." Spike looked confused. "Girls like what they can't have," I explained. "If a guy showers them in attention, they're almost guaranteed to be labeled as a friend by her. Girls like it when you play hard to get." "Hard to get?" Spike asked. "Yeah, hard to get," I replied. "You need to act like you have no interest in Rarity. Pretend that you're too busy for her and make it seem like you don't care. Once you do that, you'll have her eating out of your ha... claws, desperate to get you to notice her." "Girls like it when you ignore them?" "They sure do. Works all the time back home. Trust me on this." Spike shrugged. "If you say so. Guess it can't hurt to try." Suddenly, the door to the boutique swung open and who else but Rarity herself trotted out, carrying a basket on her back. "Now's your chance. Once she sees you and asks you to help her, just play it cool and act uninterested. She'll love it." I quickly hid inside a nearby bush and peeked out to watch how Spike did. Sure enough, Rarity soon spotted him and cheerfully made her way over. "Spikeywikey! It's so good to see you, darling. As you know, I'm starting my newest line today and have quite a lot of shopping to do. Would you mind helping me?" Spike paused and nonchalantly looked away with his arms folded. "I don't know," he replied. "I'd have to check my schedule. There's a lot of things I got lined up." "Oh really?" Rarity asked. "What kind of things?" "I'm, uh... doing... stuff. And thangs." "Well, I don't want to keep you from whatever it is you're doing. I can just make multiple trips if need be." Spike didn't know how to respond so he just looked away in silence. After a few awkward seconds of Rarity staring at Spike perplexed had passed, she began walking away. "Well," Rarity said quickly. "I, er, must be on my way. Have a nice day, Spike." Rarity trotted away, giving me the opportunity to emerge from my bush and trot over to Spike. He groaned and facepalmed once Rarity was out of sight. "I don't think that went too well," he told me. "Nah, you did great," I replied. "Keep that up for a while and you should have her right where you want her." "What do you mean for a while?" Spike asked. "How long is this supposed to take?" "I don't know. A couple of days? A few weeks? I've never tried it." Spike gave me a perplexed look. "What do you mean you haven't tried it?" "I've just seen guys do it on TV and stuff," I replied. "It usually works pretty fast for them." Spike sighed. "How am I supposed to know if this will actually work? What if she gets a boyfriend while I'm ignoring her? This could just be a big waste of time." "Fine, fine. We'll try something else." I took a second to think over how else I could get Spike to win over Rarity. After considering my options, an idea finally came to me. "I got it! Time for Plan B." "Excuse me, Morgan? Um, what did you say you wanted me to do?" I ignored Fluttershy's question for the moment while I looked around the Ponyville market for Rarity. Fluttershy and Spike were close behind me, awaiting my instructions. "Apparently he needs you for his plan to get Rarity to like me," Spike replied. "We needed another girl for this plan," I said, glancing Fluttershy's way. "You were the first one we found." Fluttershy raised an eyebrow slowly then shook her head. "But, Spike, you don't need my help to get Rarity to like you," Fluttershy said. "She already does. Everypony likes you." "I don't want her to just like me, though. I want her to like me." Spike tried to get his point across, but Fluttershy didn't seem to be getting it as she still seemed absolutely puzzled. "You know... I want her to like me the same way she liked Prince Blueblood." "Ooooooh," Fluttershy replied with a small squee. "That's nice, but how could I possibly help you with that?" "Easy," I said with a smirk. "With a little thing called jealousy." "We're making Rarity jealous?" Spike asked. "Yes! Back home there's no better way to get a girl's attention," I explained. "Girls get extremely jealous super easy. If you make her think that you're going out with Fluttershy here, jealousy will make her want to have you for herself." Spike and Fluttershy exchanged looks of uncertainty. "I don't think that will work," Fluttershy said. "Spike and I aren't dating." I facepalmed... facehoofed? I did that thing with pushing a hoof to my forehead, and groaned. Geez, this chick is clueless! "I know you two aren't dating," I said, trying to keep my voice calm. "You're just gonna pretend so that Rarity only thinks that you are." "But wouldn't that be lying?" Fluttershy gasped. "I don't want to lie to my friend like that." Holy shit. I really picked the wrong horse for this. "Fluttershy, you're Spike's friend aren't you?" I asked, to which she nodded in response. "So if Spike needs your help with something, you'd want to do it, wouldn't you?" She timidly looked at the ground and slowly nodded again. "I-it's not that I don't want to help, it's just that this all seems so," she started while looking back up at me, only to glace away a bit, "Sneaky. I'm not a good liar. What if Rarity doesn't believe us?" "Don't worry about it, it'll be easy. Spike will handle the hard parts." Spike raised an eyebrow at me. "All you gotta do is act flattered and return his compliments. Sounds simple enough, right?" "I suppose so," Fluttershy quietly responded. "But what if Rarity gets mad at me for lying?" "If this all works out, Spike and Rarity will end up happily ever after together," I explained. "If anything, she'll thank you for setting her up with Spike." She returned her gaze to the ground. "O-ok, I'll help." Radical. Now we had her on board and we were good to go. I looked over at Spike with a grin, only to see him narrowing his eyes at me, arms folded. "Are you sure this will work?" Spike asked. "The whole ignoring thing didn't do anything but make her think I'm a weirdo." "It'll work like a charm," I assured him. "When Rarity comes by, just keep showering Fluttershy in compliments and acting all lovey dovey with her. Really rub it in her face that the two of you are going out." I was about to use air quotes to emphasize that last part, but then I remembered that I have no fingers, so I just used my whole hooves instead. Spike still didn't look convinced. "And that'll make her want to go out with me?" he asked. "Correctamundo. Like I said, girls want what they can't have. This'll just speed up the process because she'll see that you're with someone else. Trust me, I've seen it work before." Actually, that was kind of a lie since it was just another thing I saw people do on TV, but Spike didn't have to know that part. I scanned the area for Rarity and finally spotted her near a red kiosk where she was purchasing some kind of fabric. "Alright, Spike, she's buying some fabric. What does she usually buy after that?" "For a project like this?" he asked. "She'd probably go get some string from that stand over there." He pointed to a green kiosk with an elderly pony behind it. It was nearly on the other side of the marketplace from where Rarity was. "Perfect," I replied. "What I want the two of you to do once Rarity is on the move is bump into her. Play it off casually like you didn't see her, and then when she asks what the two of you are doing, start playing up the relationship act. Boom! Perfect setup." "I guess that'll work," Spike said as he thought the plan over. "That all sound ok to you?" "I suppose so," Fluttershy quietly replied. I glanced back over at Rarity and saw that she was beginning to make her way over to the string kiosk. Now was their chance. I silently motioned my hoof at her, giving Spike and Fluttershy their cue. They were nervous, but the two of them took a deep breath and made a beeline for Rarity's path. They bumped into her just as I had instructed. "Oh, sorry Rarity. Didn't see you there," Spike said nonchalantly. I hovered nearby behind a barrel. "It's quite alright, Spike darling," she replied. "I should have been watching where I was going." Suddenly, Rarity cocked her head to the side and raised an eyebrow at Spike and Fluttershy. "Pardon me for asking, Spike, but didn't you say you were going to be preoccupied today?" "Oh, well, you see the thing is..." Spike glanced around nervously, first not focusing on anything in particular, then looking at Fluttershy, then at me. I motioned to Fluttershy impatiently. "I-I'm, uh, pre-preoccupied... because I'm spending the day with Fluttershy!" Rarity curiously looked at Fluttershy, who let out a startled yelp and hid her face behind Spike. "I see," Rarity said. "Well, nothing wrong with spending the day with a good friend." She was about to leave so I quickly motioned for Spike to keep the conversation rolling. "Actually," Spike said before cutting Rarity off, "it's a little more serious than that. You see, Fluttershy and I...are dating!" Rarity gasped and Fluttershy's face turned a crimson red as she struggled with not spilling the beans. Spike was like a deer in the headlights, waiting for Rarity to respond. "Fluttershy, is this true?" she asked. Fluttershy was cartoonishly sweating and shaking. She glanced over at me and I nodded at her. "Y-yes. M-me and S-Spike are d-dating," she shakily replied. Rarity looked over at Spike who flashed her a sheepish grin. He looked to me and I tried to motion for him to keep it up. "That's right. I mean could you blame me?" Spike said coolly. "After all, Fluttershy is like the ponification of beauty." "Really?" Rarity and Fluttershy asked at the same time, with the later covering her mouth after realizing she said it too. "Absolutely," Spike slowly replied, trying to keep the charade going. "I mean, she's pretty, she's nice, she's great with animals. Fluttershy is just great." "Y-you really think that?" Fluttershy asked while blushing. "Of course," Spike said while putting his arm over her. "That's why we're dating isn't it?" Fluttershy's gaze met mine and she suddenly appeared to remember that she needed to keep up the act as well. "T-that's right! And I think you're really sweet and funny. That's why we're d-dating." Fluttershy and Spike both gave Rarity their best fake smile. Doing my best not to be seen, I hovered over to a nearby kiosk so that I could pretend to be buying something while getting a better view of how Rarity was reacting. Her eyes were narrowed and she didn't seem convinced. Spike looked like he was about to come clean when she suddenly let out a high pitched squee. "Oh my gosh, darlings, this is absolutely wonderful! You know, I always thought the two of you would make an adorable couple, and oh, how right I was." "You did?" a dumbfounded Spike asked. "But of course, darling. I have an eye for these sort of things," she proudly replied. "Oh we simply must throw the two of you a celebratory party. I'll go inform Pinkie Pie as soon as I finish my shopping. You two lovebirds have fun." Rarity pranced off, humming to herself. "You have to be kidding me," I mumbled under my breath. I flew over to Spike and Fluttershy, who were both still dumbfounded from Rarity's reaction. "Well that didn't work," I said as I flew down to the two of them. "Ya think?" Spike sarcastically replied with some anger in his voice. "Now she's going to have everyone thinking me and Fluttershy are dating." "Does that mean we're breaking up?" Fluttershy sadly asked. "You two weren't dating in the first place, it was just an act," I reminded her. "Oh. R-right." Fluttershy lowered her head and sighed sadly. She slowly trotted away with her bottom lip quivering. While Fluttershy was busy moping, I tried to think of some sort of way to turn this all around. If the jealousy trick didn't work on Rarity, what would? "Listen Morgan, I appreciate you trying to help, but this isn't working. I'm just gonna tell Rarity that Fluttershy and I were joking around so that-" "Hold that thought!" An idea suddenly clicked. Spike jumped back in surprise. I could feel a grin spreading across my face. It was so obvious! Ignoring her didn't work and jealousy didn't work, but there's one sure thing that absolutely HAD to work. "What's up?" Spike asked curiously. "It's time for the last resort," I replied. "Plan C." With Fluttershy gone and Rarity on her way home from shopping, Spike and I had one last shot to get her all over him. "Alright, this is our last chance before I have to spill the beans to her since she'll tell Pinkie about me and Fluttershy if I don't." Spike calmly said. "What's the plan?" "Easy," I replied. "You have to be a jerk to her." "Alright, sounds simple en- wait, what?" Spike looked absolutely shocked. I rolled my eyes. "Dude, this is the 100% certain way to win over a girl. They love it when you treat them like crap." "Crap?" Spike asked. "Like crud," I replied. Stupid kid friendly shows. "Why the heck would I want to treat her like crud? Isn't that mean?" he asked. "It's absolutely mean. That's the whole point." Spike looked at me like I was insane. "Listen, you know what happens to guys that treat a girl well all the time? They end up in the friendzone." "The friendzone?" "Think of it this way," I tried to explain. "You've always treated Rarity like she's a goddess in an attempt to win her over. How has that worked out for ya?" Spike opened his mouth to retort, but a sudden realization seemed to hit him as he thought this over. "Sure, girls like it when guys treat them great, but they only like them as friends." I thought my words over as the cruel memories of my own experiences came rushing back. Girls are assholes sometimes. "But guys that treat them like crud? Oh man, they love it. Girls love rebels and bad boys, so if you treat Rarity like crud, she'll be crazy for you." Spike pondered this. Can't say I blamed him. It was a hard choice to make. "Listen man, do you want this chick or not?" He looked out into the distance and saw that Rarity was fast approaching. He was sweating like crazy, but he finally made his hands into fists and grew a serious look. It was do-or-die time. "Alright, I'll try it. This better work." "You know what they say, man, third time's the charm." I gave Spike a reassuring pat on the back and quickly made myself out of sight on top of the boutique, leaning in slightly to listen. "Remember, don't hold back. She'll love it." Spike took a nervous gulp and braced himself as Rarity approached the boutique where he was leaning against. "Spike, you're back! Here to help me carry in my goods, I presume?" Shaking like a leaf, Spike looked like he was already about to chicken out. After an awkward pause, he sighed and looked away from Rarity. "Of course not. Why would I want to do something stupid like that?" Spike replied coldly. Rarity was nearly speechless. "Uh, ok darling," she hesitantly said. "Where's Fluttershy?" "Broke up with her. Things weren't working out." "My goodness, I'm so sorry dear." Rarity began reaching her hoof out to him. "Is there anything I could do to help?" "As if," Spike replied as he shooed away her hoof. "You couldn't even help yourself. I bet that new line is gonna come out looking terrible." "W-what?" Rarity asked, stunned. "Spike, you don't mean that." "Sure do. Looking at that stuff you got, anything you make is gonna be a disaster," he said as he looked at her basket of supplies. "Just a bunch of junk." "Spike, why would you say such horrid things?" Rarity replied, beginning to tear up. "Cause that's how the new Spike rolls," he said, trying to sound tough. "I tell it like it is, even to dumb ponies like you." Spike looked like he was getting ready to continue when Rarity suddenly burst out into tears. These tears weren't as cartoony as when Pinkie and Lyra did it, though. These were genuine. "Aw shit," I mumbled to myself. I really screwed this up. "R-rarity? Are you ok?" Spike timidly asked, getting no response as Rarity continued to sob. "I was only kidding. I didn't mean any of that, honest!" Nothing but more crying in response. I fucked this up bad. Spike was panicking. He didn't know what to do. I flew down, getting Rarity's attention as I landed. "He's telling the truth Rarity, he didn't mean any of it." Rarity stopped crying long enough to look up at me with her tear covered face, makeup running down her cheeks like crazy. "Morgan? What do you mean?" "Spike came to me asking for help on how to win you over, so all day I've been trying to help him with my crappy advice. The ignoring you today, the thing with Fluttershy, the way he just acted...they were all my ideas." I hung my head in shame and tried to not look at how angry Rarity was going to be. "I-I don't quite understand," Rarity replied, staring to calm down. "We tried to figure out a way to get you to like me," Spike sheepishly said. "It was my fault for doing all of that stuff and not just asking you." "No, it was my fault for giving you shitty advice," I pointed out. I wasn't about to let Spike take the full blame for my screw ups. "I kept telling him all this stupid stuff, thinking one of them would actually get you to like him." "But Spike, I already like you," Rarity replied. "Everypony does." "No, he means we were trying to get you to like me," Spike said. Rarity still looked confused. "He wants to go on a date with you," I said bluntly. "What he said," Spike added, blushing. Rarity began wiping away her tears and actually started forming a smile. "Spike, you don't have to do all these ridiculous things to ask me out on a date." "Yeah, that's my bad," I replied with a chuckle. "Well... I suppose if you went through all this trouble to ask me for a date, it would be rude to not accept one." "Really?" Spike and I asked at the same time. Rarity giggled and nodded. Spike leaped in the air cheered. "Alright! This is the best day ever!" "Come on, Spike," Rarity said as she placed a hoof on Spike's shoulder and smiled. "We can arrange the date while we start work on my new line, hm?" "Sounds great to me," a giddy Spike replied before rushing into the boutique carrying Rarity's goods. She giggled and followed him inside, leaving me by myself outside. "Well... I guess that kind of worked," I said out loud. Fuck it, that definitely counts as a victory for me. I gave Spike advice, and now he has a date with Rarity. These ponies can call me Morgan the Matchmaker from now on. With nothing better to do, I started making my way to the arcade. I didn't have any bits on me, but watching other people play beats sitting at the library doing nothing. Stratus was there playing Princess and Shield. "Still trying to beat my high score?" I asked as I approached him. "Nah," he said dismissively. "They turn off the machines each night and that ends up resetting the high scores." I frowned. "It was beginners luck either way," Stratus continued. He suddenly groaned as his character died for the last time, the game asking him if he wanted to continue. After he fished for some bits in his wallet, he looked aside at me. "Hey, is it true what they've been saying about you?" "What do you mean?" I asked. "That you're going out with Lyra now! Dude, she's a real looker. A bit crazy, but still good looking. You got lucky." Son of a bitch. With all this Spike and Rarity nonsense, I completely forgot about that. Damn you, Derpy. "Nah, it isn't true. I'm just paying her a visit later, that's all." "Ah, I see how it is," Stratus replied, giving me a sly grin. "Shut up," I replied. He laughed and returned to his game while I watched. With Twilight gone and Spike taken care of, tomorrow was going to be when I went to Lyra's. I kind of regretted making that deal with her in the first place because who knew what the hell she was gonna be like when I went to her house, but a deal is a deal. Hopefully things weren't going to get TOO crazy with her.