//------------------------------// // Episode 17 [Rarity]: Jon's spa adventure // Story: The Daily Show presents: Equestrian Interviews // by Daily Show Ponies //------------------------------// Despite Jon Stewart’s long standing career in the field of television he himself was no stranger to a movie set. From going to see colleagues to actually having the opportunity to be in a movie himself Jon was familiar with the sensation of seeing set piece after set piece densely packed in some studio. One moment one might be in a setting like a courthouse or office and take two steps to the left and find themselves in a new section set modeled after a prison or graveyard. It was an odd feeling that was hard to find anywhere else... that is until today. For on this day it was this same sensation that followed him even here as he entered the main room of Ponyville’s premium spa. Walking from the waiting room to this new area carried all the graceful transition of being on the set of a film. The waiting room looked nothing like the the rest of the building which was fitted with all types of machines and beds, making the scenario closely resemble more a hospital than a spa. The only similarity this new area had from where Jon had only moment ago left was a matching color scheme and the same, albeit now slightly different, smooth classical music playing throughout the area. Despite the machines being present the look and feel still felt inviting. As well as being familiar with what a movie set looks like Jon was also familiar with how a Spa should appear. There were beds designed for laying on your stomach, chairs shaped in a way to arch your back so someone could work on your face, machines that carried a variety of tools designed for working on manicures, and of course the all important wide range of facial masks designed for any number of skin related treatments. “Huh.” Jon thought. “This place doesn't look half bad.” After Rarity’s brief introduction the two of them were approached by a pair of Earthponies wearing matching white headbands and chokers. These two, by all rights, looked to be twins based on many striking similarities between them. Jon learned long ago that in this world, for whatever reason, evolution had dictated that all ponies of the same gender would have roughly the same body type, so saying two ponies were twins needed to carry more weight. Luckily enough for Jon even he could tell the that two ponies now in front of him were twin sisters, based on the fact that not only did they look alike but they had the same: hairstyle, color scheme of blue and pink (Granted it was reversed; with one sister having blue hair a pink coat and the other the opposite) and if that wasn’t enough they even shared the same Cutie Mark; a lotus flower. As if they wanted to drive the twin factor to it’s stretching point the two of them even had the same voice when they spoke. “It’s a pleasure to finally meet your acquaintance, Mr. Stewart.” The pink haired one known as Lotus said. “It is always an honor to...” “... Meet an individual as world renowned as yourself.” Aloe added. “And of course, any friend of madame Rarity is welcomed here.” The two spoke in perfect harmony with each other like they had been practicing all day. That combined with their strong European accent, which Jon couldn't pin point for the life of him, made their words flow like water. “Well... thanks for having us on such short notice.” Jon said, shaking each of their hooves. “It’s a pleasure to meet you as well Ms. Lotus and Aloe.” “Ahem, Jonathan.” Rarity whispered as she lightly tapped his hip for attention. “Other way around.” Looking back at the twin sisters Jon realized that he had accidently addressed each pony by the other sister’s name. “Oops... sorry!” Jon fretted, hoping to try and salvage this first impression. “Do not worry Mr. Stewart!” Aloe said. “We only wish for you to be...” “...as comfortable as possible.” Lotus chimed in. “After all this is a spa, is it not?” “Heh, good point.” Jon admitted. Suddenly Jon felt a little more at home in this spa designed for ponies. His initial reservation about joining Rarity for a day of pampering, aside from feeling like it was unrequited, was that he would feel out of place since he was of a different species. But as unorthodox as it was for him to be here, the comforting hospitality of the two hosts made him feel less awkward about the whole situation. That is until... “Not then, before we began there are some preparations that need to be taken care of.” Aloe motioned for for Rarity to place her bag onto the floor. “Madam if you would please give me your belongings; I will be holding onto if for you. And...” “... As for our esteemed guest, Mr. Stewart, if you would please remove your clothing we will begin immediately.” Lotus added. And just like that Jon was once again in the mind set that coming here was a bad idea. “W-wait what!” Jon lifted his hand in protest as he briefly looked at his old suit. “You want me to take all my clothes off!?” “Yes, indeed.” Lotus admitted while making a hoof gesture to indicate that it was no big deal. “We require you not wear anything while we...” “... attend to your cosmetic needs.” Aloe finished. “After all, it would be quite difficult to apply some of our techniques while you're wearing that suit, no?” As much as what they were saying was indeed true, Jon just couldn’t bring himself to see things their way. Another thing Jon learned about Equestria very early on was that humans and ponies had very different stances of the subject of nudity with virtually every creature he ever saw walking around without anything to cover up the more indecent regions. For the most part it didn't seem like such a thing mattered to them, but as a human Jon’s sense of modesty was not so easily interpretable. “I’m sorry, but no! This is where I draw the line.” Jon said, much to the twin’s surprise. “I know you folks do things differently here, but I am not walking around naked like a... well like a pony.” In response to this the two sisters chuckled among themselves which only made Jon feel more insecure about their request. “Oh, Mr. Stewart there is no cause for embarrassment of something so natural.” Lotus advised, her grasp of the situation less than amicable than Jon expected. “But you are our guest so... “... if you feel so strongly about our procedures then we can accommodate you with some form of covering.” Aloe assured him. “Reeeaaaallly.” Jon said sounding as skeptical as possible. “You're going to give me something to cover myself with?” “Of course.” Aloe nodded. “We can provide you with a bathrobe or at the very least...” “... A towel to cover your... Oh.” Lotus said now having realized what Jon was hinting at. For someone of Jon’s size and bone structure there was no way the spa sisters had a bathrobe big enough, or the right shape for which to properly fit him with. Even their largest towel, which was big enough for a pony to use as a blanket wouldn’t even be enough to go around his waist. The twins were now in a situation where they had no idea how to proceed, which wasn’t something they were used to. Fortunately they were saved by their most loyalist of customer. “Do not fret my dear Aloe and Lotus,” Rarity interjected as she rummaged through her designer bag. “For I have taken it upon myself to prepare for such an event.... may I present to you all a Rarity original!” Using her magic she produced a large bathrobe from her pouch complete with a hood and the initials “JSL” over the heart. The way she held it with her magic the arms and hood were spread as if some unseen force was occupying it. From where everyone stood it was exactly Jon’s size right down to the shoulders and even a little extra room around the stomach region. Amazed by this unveiling Jon ran his hand across the surface to feel the fabric which, like the new suit he hadn’t yet worn, was top of the line. “How... when did you have time to make this?” Jon asked. “Why, when I was making your suit of course.” Rarity answered. “I had some extra material laying around so I thought I’d whip up a little something extra for you since I already had your measurements.” Ignoring for the moment that it seemed she had the idea of dragging him to the Spa all along Jon had just one grievance about the wardrobe he felt needed to be addressed. “Just one question, Rarity.” He said. “Yes, darling?” She asked. “Why... is it pink.” He asked in a tone of voice that only dogs could hear. “Oh well it’s quite simple really.” She said as she used her magic to make the bathrobe hug up against him for a better comparison. “Pink is SO your color!” Jon could already hear the laughter from his friends and family, if he were to ever wear this thing outside of Equestria. Jon was no expert on fashion but he knew that no self respecting male would be caught dead wearing this thing; needless to say he disagreed with Rarity’s choice of color, but it would seem he was outnumbered. “Oh, Madam Rarity it is simply magnificent!” Aloe complemented. “The texture, the craftsmareship... “... the attention to detail and of course the correct use of color.” Lotus added. “It is without a doubt the most beautiful thing we have ever seen.” “Oh you're just saying that!” Rarity proclaimed. “Oh no, no, no, we only speak the truth!” Lotus assured her. “Indeed we do!” Aloe added. “Madam Rarity truly, without a doubt, the most talented seamstress in all the land!” “Why thank you girls!” Rarity blushed. “I do have a keen eyes for such things I suppose.” As the three ponies compliments soon transitioned to idle giggles among themselves Jon held the bathrobe over his shoulder and watched as he was slowly starting to understand his future guest a little bit more. “Yeesh, I can see why she likes this place so much.” He thought as Rarity soon turned her attention back onto him. “Now than Jonathan, do be a dear and go change.” She said. “We mustn’t keep our dear friends Aloe and Lotus waiting any longer than they need to.” To show their understanding both sister’s bowed their heads and motioned for Jon to a pair of standing curtains for which he could change behind. “Alright, alright I’m going.” He said as he rounded the designated changing area.. “But I’m keeping my boxers on... lord knows I might need to leave something to the imagination.” Jon was unaware of just how right he was in this assumption; he just didn’t know that for all the talk of relaxation and gentle pampering he would be experiencing very little of either. Needless to say things were only going to get worse from here. Jon’s forced spa adventure was met head on with a less than inviting outcome, which would actually turn out to be a running theme for the day. Things kicked off to a rocky start when he was forced to discard his current attire in favor of a frilly pink bathrobe which, to Rarity’s credit, did the job of covering his entire body quite well. It’s only saving grace beside giving Jon a sense of privacy was that, like the suit given to him, this bathrobe was fitted perfectly to his body type. With Jon ready to go, both he and Rarity were promptly escorted to the other end of the room where the first of their many treatments were to take place. Since Jon had children, whose ages weren’t even in the double digits yet, he would on occasion take them to the pediatrician. Jon was reminded of just this because his surroundings certainly gave him the feeling that he was in a hospital meant for kids. Much like everything else in Equestria, at least as far as Jon could tell, this spa was astonishingly vibrant with liberal uses of colors like purple, blue, and green. Accompanying these colors were decorate shapes on virtually every surface. In Equestria it wasn't enough to have a window, it needed to be a heart shaped window. And the walls weren't just a blank surface it needed to have stars and raindrop shapes all over it. While at the same time various machines were stationed beside beds and were slung over like they were fishing rods but they too matched the decor by being color shades of purple rather than cold metal grey like one would expect. Not only that, but the use of slightly oblong shapes where a more symmetrical design would just as easily work was implemented almost everywhere. Rather than having a support beam be an even straight column it would have a much wider base that curved inward like an upside down tornado. This design also applied to other fixtures like archways or chairs. Leaving Jon steadfast in his idea of never bringing his kids here; they'd never want to leave. Some ponies laid in beds and were either having some staff worker smear an unknown substance on their face or were having their hooves detailed. Other such beautifications that Jon witnessed as he walked further into a corner were ponies being massaged or having a bright light shined on their face from one of the many daunting machines. All of this was fairly new to Jon. Sure in his life he’d have someone apply makeup on him or fix his hair, usually at the hand of cosmetology students he’d have employed for his show, but none of it was quite on the level of what he he was currently witnessing. Though he would have a first hand experience of it all in just a few moments. Stopping now in front of a stretch of wall that had a row of familiar machines attached to it both Jon and Rarity were now being addressed by the spa sisters as to what was going to happen. “Allow us to to present to you the Mane-Manger 2000!” Lotus said, as she swept her arms to show off the row of machines which Jon recognized as salon style hair dryers. “This marvelous machine...” “... Will dry and detail your hair in the style you most desire!” Aloe finished. “But before we are to do that, allow us to first to wash your manes.” Jon didn’t even have time to raise his hand in objection before promptly being yanked to the side by the scruff of his robe. Both he and Rarity were split apart with Aloe helping Rarity into a nearby seat that, when tilted all the way back, dropped the customer's head into a designated sink for washing one’s hair. It was then expected of Jon to follow along but unfortunately for him there was no station large enough to accommodate him. Were he in a situation that allowed it he would have suggested giving up this endeavor but his handler, Lotus, was determined to make this work. “Now then Mr. Stewart if you would please, um... take a seat, we will get things started?” She said. Again Jon had flashbacks of bringing his kids to the doctor, only this time because he was now sitting in a chair a few sizes too small, like he would often do in the waiting room of pediatrics to make Maggie and Nathan laugh. The way Jon had to position himself in the chair for his head to properly fit in the sink meant that his legs were sprawled out and over the chair and into the walkways. Even though he was only slightly overweight he had to force himself to fit in the seat and the chair’s armrests were jabbing into his back. By this time Rarity was already halfway through her shampooing, something which she was all too eager to voice. “Oh that scent is simply heavenly!” She said from just a few seats over. “Aloe dear do make sure to use that new conditioner as well. I say, Jonathan... Jonathan how are you doing over there, darling?” “I’ve been better.” He answered as he slowly leaned back into the sink, only to discover that his head didn’t fit. “... much better. I-I’ll be honest Rarity I don’t think this spa stuff is for me.” “Oh nonsense, everypony deserves a little pampering now and again.” She advised. “Things will get better, I promise you.” Not only was that not true for Jon, but his being there wasn’t ideal for the staff working that day either. Since Jon’s was half in and half out of the chair every so often a passing patron or worker would trip over his legs which meant that he had to curl them up in an awkward stance. That and since his head was too large for the sink, when Lotus washed his greying hair, water would spill all over the side, causing both a mess and a slipping hazard for all involved. But at least the shampoo smelled nice; when it didn’t go in his eyes from his constant struggling. The second half of the their hair restoration began when both parties were promptly escorted to the mounted hair dryers attached to ergonomic seats. But again none were large enough for Jon so when he sat down he felt as the blood circulation was being cut off from his butt. This time however Jon was spared the lower back pain associated with having to bend over backwards and instead was rewarded with having the bonnet of the hair dryer slowly descend over his head. Luckily enough for him the headgear was large to accommodate ponies wearing roller in their mane so it just barely fit around his head. Normally around this point he would’ve made a Vader joke, but he knew the reference would be lost here. Sitting next to him was Rarity who was still being helped by the other of the two sisters; it seemed like they were getting treated by the owners for the duration of their stay. A nice gesture, but at the same time it had Jon wondering if it was because of him or Rarity. Also, since she was a regular, her handler Aloe didn’t waste any time starting the machine, but in the case of Jon Lotus felt some context needed to be provided. “Allow me to explain the process of this wondrous device. This machine uses a moisture system with tourmaline and ionic nano technologies to leave you with healthy, beautiful, and shiny hair.” She explained, like she was the host of the home shopping network. “Is that right?” Jon said as he strained his neck to get a look at the all black device that was almost as big as him.. “So when does Goldfinger strap me down for the interrogation?” With a nervous laugh Lotus ignored Jon’s reference, which she didn’t get, and concentrated on continuing her explanation. “Now then this won’t hurt a bit; you’ll spend the next twenty or so minutes underneath the bonnet while the machine does all the work.” She continued, while making some adjustments. “Oh! I almost forgot! This model comes with a new setting where you can have silent mode.” “Silent mode?” Jon asked. “You mean... like a phone?” “Allow me to explain; you see sometimes ponies want to talk to one another during the session while others want to be left alone.” She explained. “Normally these things make an unruly amount of noise, but you’ll still be able to hear what’s going on everywhere else... but in silent mode the machine uses a distortion system that makes it so the customer won’t hear anything at all. Now then... which would you like?” Before he got the chance to answer Jon was started to hear Rarity shouting just a few inches away. She wasn’t in pain or any other form of discomfort she just merely wanted to get his attention. “OH AND BY THE WAY JONATHAN! WHILE I HAVE YOU HERE I’M GOING TO CONTINUE LISTING MY CREDENTIALS!” Rarity yelled over the roar of the hair dryer which was already being used on her. “ I KNOW IT’S BIT TABOO TO TALK BUSINESS GIVEN OUR LOCATION BUT I FEEL THERE SO MUCH MORE OF ME YOU DON’T YET KNOW! HAVING SAID THAT; REASON NUMBER ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FOUR AS TO WHY YOU SHOULD HAVE ME ON YOUR SHOW...” “Silent mode!” Jon begged, like a pregnant woman asking for anesthetic. “Please, for the love of god, give me silent mode!” Taking her hoof back from Jon’s strong grip Lotus obliged with his request and, after a quick sequence of button pushes later, activated Jon’s desired approach. Just like anyone else in his position Jon assumed the term “silent” in this situation was open to interpretation, usually just meaning very low in tone or funneling white noise into the ear. But to their credit what followed was complete and utter silence. Jon wasn’t sure exactly what kind of pony technology was at play here, but for all his jokings about them being in the stone age, their machine made it so it was so quiet he could almost hear himself blink. It was rather eerie really. Looking in all directions he tried to see if he could perhaps pick up the tiniest hint of sound. He looked at Rarity who was still aimlessly talking to herself, but he could not hear a word. He caught Aloe and Lotus sharing a quick word with each other before scurrying off to prepare the next session and wondered if they were talking about him. This was rare for Jon; absolute silence was not something a home grown New Yorker was familiar with, especially one with two kids. So he decided to make the most of it by taking Rarity’s advice and try to relax. Even though his seat was as uncomfortable as one would expect, he still found it somewhat calming to lie back and think about nothing. Unfortunately Jon’s brain would on occasion break up this tranquil experience by reminding him of important, though stressful, obligations. Like work, bills to pay, or appointments he couldn't afford to miss. Most of these things didn’t bother him, that is until he opened his eyes. Again he saw ponies lounging about, each of whom being of various colors and shapes. And again he didn’t recognize any of them except for the twin sisters who were on the far end of the room fiddling with some beds. It was then that Jon saw a pony, a pony who he’d never met before but who shared a similar pale blue color scheme as someone he knew. “Trixie.” Jon sighed to himself as he once again closed his eyes. “Please be alright.” After about twenty minutes of continued self reflection Jon was awoken by a figure looming over him who he immediately recognized as the one who helped him into the device in the first place. “Mr. Stewart, the Mane Manager as finished it’s cycle and your hair looks luxurious!” She complimented as the helmet slowly let go of Jon’s head. “Madam Rarity is already at the next treatment room awaiting your arrival... tell me Mr. Stewart, did you enjoy your hair treatment.” Jon had to admit that not only did his hair feel lighter and more wavy but that feeling of sitting down doing nothing in perfect silence had a zen light effect on him where he was now more relaxed; except for his now slightly aching back. Though that didn’t stop him from seizing the opportunity at a quick joke. “Yeah it was pretty nice,” he admitted as he combed his fingers through his hair. “It’s just that, well... nah forget about it.” “Oh no, no, no Mr. Stewart please tell me!” Lotus pleaded. “If there was any kind of problem I must know!” “Weeeeell... it’s about that whole ‘silent mode.’” he divulged as he struggled to unseat himself from the chair which still had a firm grasp of his oversized behind. “Oh dear, did it not work?” She frightlyfully asked as she offered her hoof to Jon as leverage. “No, no it worked just fine... but see that’s the problem.” He said, much to the confusion of Lotus. “You see... it was so quiet I literally couldn't hear a thing... and well, I’m sorry, but I just can’t be alone with the voices in my head for that long.” With one last thrust of his hips Jon finally freed himself from the mane-manager with enough force to almost yank it from the ground. Putting his hand against his back he stretched himself just in time to see his handler looking nervously up at him. Sensing that what he said might’ve been a Joke Lotus quickly forced a awkward laugh, waiting for Jon to confirm as such, but he never did... he just stared at her till she silenced herself. The two shared an awkward moment of silence with Jon trying to hold back a smile. After it was clear that things couldn't get any more uncomfortable he quickly changed gears. “Now then!” He uttered in a tone as if nothing remotely unsettling had just occurred. “Where did you say we needed to go?” “O-o-oh uh.... t-this... this way...” Lotus struggled to say, as she slowly escorted Jon to the other side of a wall which, like the one they just left, was lined up with machines. Only this time the machines were the ones that Jon noticed hovering over beds, one of which contained his partner for the day. “Oh Jonathan!” Rarity called, her face half covered in some form or green ooze. “There you are, darling! Come now this is my favorite part!” Rarity said that about every treatment. When Jon propped himself onto the bed Aloe had just finished putting on the last coat of facial properties onto Rarity’s face with Lotus advising Jon to lean back and relax while she did the same. It took only a few moments for Jon’s handler to get the necessary brush and bowl of green slime ready for smearing. Jon was urged to close his eyes, but right before he did he managed to catch a view of Aloe putting two slices of cucumber on Rarity’s face; one over each eye. “Really?” Jon chuckled at the cliche of it all. Soon the world went dark, brought on my Lotus putting a substance on his face with the look and texture of guacamole. To save time the two sisters didn’t explain as to what purpose it served, but even Jon knew it had something to do with the pores of his skin. With the bed he was laying on (barely) big enough for him to properly lay on and his cosmetic mask soaking into his face he could almost feel as if this was more of a vacation than a business trip... that is until Rarity opened her mouth. “Now then where was I?” She said. “Ah yes! I understand your show takes place in New York which is a large city... well did I happen to mention that I’ve been to many metropolitan locals... why just last summer I was invited to attend...” Lotus watched as Jon plucked the two slices of cucumber off from his eyes, broke them in half, and promptly shoved them in his ears. He could still hear both Rarity talking and the twin sisters walking away to ready their guests for the next session. For the remainder both Lotus and Aloe would return in intervals to check up on the two for long period of time. The next part of the treatment was removing the now solidified masks and replacing it with a steaming hot towel, or another facial substance in specific areas that needed the most attention. In all fairness Jon enjoyed this session more than he thought he would. Not just because every time the sisters came back with a new treatment Rarity would go silent (at the advice of the twins so they could properly work on her face) but because the act of having his face cleansed in such a way felt oddly relaxing. Right away he could feel as if years of stress was being lifted from his ageing brow. This, coupled with what they did with his hair, made him feel like a new man... at least from the neck up. “Maybe this wasn’t such a bad idea afterall.” He thought, as Lotus used some device to file down Jon’s nails while his mask hardened. He was unaware that things were about to take a turn for the worse. If he had his way Jon would shut off all his senses and just float away right there and then but despite his wanting to do just that he couldn't help but overhear a rustling coming from where he knew Rarity was, followed by the magnanimous unicorn herself addressing him about something other than herself. “Jonathan dear I’ll meet you in the next room.” Rarity said, once again finishing her treatment first. “Take your time, we have all day.” “Jawohl.” Jon answered with a weak wave of his hand in a dismissive gesture. “Also do you know where the bathroom is?” “Yes it’s down that hall, third door on your left.” She answered as she rounded the curtain blocking Jon’s view and headed toward a far off door. “You can’t miss it.” “I shall try not to.” He called back. With all of the cosmetic items now scrapped off his face Jon swung his legs to the side and slowly lifted himself up with a grunt, his bones doing imitations of popcorn along the way. As he stretched his arms to the side he could see one of the twin’s silhouette waiting for him from behind the curtain. “Shall I wait for you while you use the lavatory?” She asked. “Nah I’m fine. Just wanted to know if there was maybe a place I could duck out early.” He joked as Lotus swiped the curtain aside. When he looked over his shoulder he could see Rarity walk through a door clear across the room with Alow following close behind. “I swear if I have to listen to anymore of her achievements I think I’m going to need a... well, a trip to spa.” With a small chuckle and a grin just as faint, Lotus offered her hoof to help Jon get up. “Yes, I realize Madam Rarity can be... how you say, passionate.” She said. “Yeah, I don’t think if I were to look up ‘passionate’ in the dictionary I’d see her picture.” Jon shot back with a laugh. “For that you’d probably need to look under some other choice words like... well, I’d rather not say in front of a lady.” “I will admit there is a reason why she’s our best customer.” Lotus admitted. “She’s very head strong and does whatever it takes to be on top... obviously that puts a lot of stress on her which is why she’s here so often... unfortunately, as of course you know, she has a habit of bringing her work with her; even here. She’s a great pony but whenever she has an appointment I just wish she’d calm down, take a deep breath and just relax.” “Hey from your mouth to Celestia’s ears.” Jon said as he followed her across the room. “Are all your customers as... wound up as she is?” “Honestly with some of the events that have transpired here over the years... I wouldn't be surprised if ponies only come to us when another tragedy occurs.” She admitted. “But if it means me and my sister are able to do what we love than we will not complain, you see.” “You two must really put a lot of effort into your work.” Jon observed as he stretched his arms. “I’m guessing it’s not everyday you personally attend to the customers directly.” “Well no when it comes to Madam Rarity and one as famous as you we of course want to leave a good impression.” She informed Jon who had now gotten from his bed. “Cosmetology is a very competitive field as I’m sure you know... the technology and techniques are constantly changing so we always have to be in tip top shape.” “Speaking of which... what’s next on the list?” Jon asked as the two made their way around the curtain. “You going to use some kind of laser to zap parasites off my back?” “Actually that light we used on your face in between facials was, technically a laser.” She answered. “Wait what!?” Jon blurted as he tried to look over his shoulder at the machine near the bed he was just at. “No, our next treatment is a proper physical therapy.” She finally answered. “Oh great.” Jon said. “Now I’m going to have to listen to Rarity fill my ear about which fabric is best during winter season while some guy bends me into a pretzel.” “I assure you it is nothing like.” Lotus urged, as they approached the door that Rarity and Aloe disappeared behind. “And as for Madam Rarity, I don’t think her discussing business will be an issue during this session..” “Why do you say that?” Jon asked as Lotus placed her hoof against the door marked as a private room. “You will soon see.” She winked, now opening the door. When Jon and Lotus entered through the far off door they were greeted by a small room populated by both Rarity and Aloe. In the middle of the small enclosure were two portable massage tables one of which was currently being used by Rarity, though were it not for Jon having seen her walk in there first hand he might not have recognized her since her head was planted face down. The room was pitch black with the only form of illumination being a few candles spread out in even distributions for an equal spread of light. There were some, though not many, candles next to the massage tables but it was only when she starting to speak did Jon know for sure he was looking at Rarity. “There you are, darling!” She exclaimed in a most inviting tone. “We’ve been waiting for you, haven’t we Aloe.” “Indeed we have,” Aloe said, her attention now on her sister. “Is everything alright, Lotus?” “Indeed they are sister. Me and Mr. Stewart were just... getting better acquainted.” Lotus explained. “In fact why don’t we switch guests for a moment... I’m sure you would like to get to know our esteemed guest.” “Why this is a wonderful idea!” Aloe announced as the two sister traded customers like they were baseball cards. “And what better way than with our next treatment, no?” “Riiiight... so what exactly is that you’re going to do to me?” Jon asked, skeptical that whatever it was, it would leave him with a bad taste in his mouth. "Some big guy named Sven isn't going to break my back in half or anything like that right?" “Oh Jonathan do stop making that face; you just got it done.” Rarity demanded in a playful tone. “We’re simply getting getting body massages next... I assure you afterwards you’ll feel like... like a new man.” For all of Jon’s complaining and objections for this little excursion even he had to admit that the thought of a good ol’ fashioned massage sounded rather tempting. As Jon grew older one of the first things to go, besides his eyesight, was his back. Not only couldn’t he touch his toes, but unless he slept a certain way he would wake up in pain. The only relief he ever got was from his wife who would, on occasion, rub or walk on his back for relief. And for today, having been subjected to sitting in furniture too small to sit properly in, he was mentally, and physically, in the right mindset for a back rub. “Alright, what the hell, let’s do this!” Jon announced as he laid face down on the table which had an opening on it’s end for him to put his face in. “Lord knows my back could use a good readjusting right now.” “Now that’s the Jonathan Stewart I’ve come to respect!” Rarity complemented. “I don’t normally say this but... it is so on! Aloe and Lotus are the best when it comes to physical therapy. Isn’t that right gals?” Both sisters agree and with that they took their respective positions. Lotus started right away on Rarity while Aloe had to deal with Jon’s inexperience of what was expected of him at the moment. “Before we begin Mr. Stewart I must advise that you remove your bathrobe.” Aloe whispered. “It wouldn’t be much of a massage if you still had your clothing, am I correct?” Normally this would be the part where Jon would raise his hand in protest, but her point was valid enough that Jon obliged. He had gotten this far already so they way he saw it there was no turning back now. “Alright fine,” Jon lifted his shoulders to slid his arms out of each sleeve. “But if vice busts in here to raid the place, I want it on paper that I didn’t put a check on the box that said ‘happy ending.’” Making sure that his robe didn’t go below his waist, Jon’s back was now completely exposed. Like with the other sessions Rarity, being the most experienced of the two guests, was first to have her treatment begin. A treatment which she didn’t have any trouble vocalizing. “Now then while we’re here I feel as though I should mention that as well as the most sophisticated mare of my group of friends I alone am the most-- OH!” She shrieked as Lotus began to work her hooves into her back. “Oooooh my yes! T-that’s the spot! O-o-oooh my! O-o-oooh yes, YES, YES! RIGHT THERE! HARDER, HARDER! Ooooooooooooooooooooooooh Lotus you have magic hooves!” Rarity was so loud in her demands for further satisfaction that not even the Mane Manager 2000’s deafening technology would’ve been able to keep Jon from overhearing her. He tried not to gawk at her, but it was difficult with her making noises that one usually only heard from behind closed doors. As lotus applied more pressure onto the purple haired unicorn’s back, she glanced over at Jon at shot him a wink. “So this is what you meant by ‘she won’t be discussing any business.’” Jon said under his breath as Rarity continued to voice her pleasure. Planting his head back into the headrest Jon tried speaking over Rarity’s moaning. “Hey Aloe, hows-a-bout sending some of that good feelings my way huh?” “U-um... y-yes, yes of course.” Aloe assured him as she hovered her hooves over his back. Like before Rarity was the first to enjoy the treatment provided; the main reason this time around, besides being the first to arrive at the treatment station, was because Aloe was not eager to touch Jon’s back. While Both Aloe and Lotus were masters in their field, up until now they had never worked on a human before. With unsure eyes she scanned Jon’s back like it was the map to a foreign town written in a language she couldn't read. She had worked on countless ponies before and knew exactly where, and how much pressure to apply. She knew exactly what pressure points to focus on to make someone lose the feelings in their leg or what spot would make a Pegasus’ wings perk up. It had gotten to the point in her career that she she could massage a pony blindfolded and, if they were a regular, knew exactly which spot needed the most work. But Jon was no pony; Aloe didn’t even know where to begin. “Hey Aloe?” He called out over Rarity begging Lotus to go harder and lower. “You still with me over there?” “O-of course!” She blurted, having been snapped out of her trance like state. “Let me just... alright I’m... ready to begin!” Placing both hooves on Jon’s back she slightly shuttered at the how his bare flesh felt on her hooves. It wasn’t a disgusting or uncomfortable feeling for her, it just felt much different than a pony’s coat of fur. From here Aloe didn’t know exactly how to proceed, so with a deep breathe and eyes closed she began to rub Jon’s back while trying to imagine that it was actually some pony she knew. The results: absolute suffering. Going into this Jon knew that when it came to massaging that there were, at times, a small degree of pain, especially with one as old as he was. But any moments of comfort to be had here were too few and too far apart to the point where they were nonexistent. At first Jon endured the sharp spikes of pain on the assumption that it would get better later, but it never did; he could stay silent no longer. “Okay wait what are yo-- OUCH! THE HURT! Wait! Try not to-- JESUS FUCKING CHR-- YEOWCH!” Jon yelled causing everyone in the room, except Rarity who was too deep in a euphoric spell, to take notice. “Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Please don’t go-- AAAAHHHHHH! FUCK! DAMMIT IT ALL TO HELL!” Had the massage room been closer to the waiting room some of the ponies waiting their turn might’ve left on the assumption that someone was being murdered. The more Aloe tried to work her magic the more Jon suffered. Fueled by the urge to salvage this mess Aloe began to desperately rub her hooves all over Jon’s back in random spots, in no particular direction or intervals, and with different degrees of pressure in the hopes that maybe she’d get things right eventually. It only made things worse. “OW! Ah you-- Fuck wait please sto-- ack! W-w-w-w-wait why don’t you-- OW! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Oh god help me!” He begged as Aloe switched techniques foolishly starting moving downwards to his lower back. “J-j-just a second Aloe I don’t think... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” After letting out a scream that would usually be reserved for those being tortured Jon arched himself back in pain only to fall back forward like he had lost the will to go on. The session continued for Rarity, who was so deep in relaxation that she didn't hear any of what had happened. By now she was enjoying her hooves being rubbed by Lotus who got a glimpse of her sister sitting in the corner like she was in trouble. She dared not touch Jon less she cause him any more pain. “I’m so sorry.” Aloe whispered to him with sad eyes. “It’s alright.” He said in a very placid tone. “Least now I know what it’s like to be trampled over.” Using the world “trampled” to describe a routine massage session did very little to boost Aloe’s self esteem. Seeing that her sister was in distress over the situation, Lotus offered an alternative. “Sister, why don’t you take our guest over to the bathing house?” She offered. “I still have a few more spots to work on madam Rarity and I’m sure our guest would enjoy the change in accommodations.” Aloe looked at both Jon and Rarity for a comparison, and while the fancy Unicorn looked like she had died and gone to heaven, her human companion just looked plain dead. “A-an excellent idea!” Aloe said as she jumped down from her seat. “Come now Mr. Stewart, I’m sure a nice refreshing bath will do you wonders!” “Yeah, okay I’m going... you got a forklift.” He groaned while still firmly planted on the table. He didn’t expect her to answer so he decided to alter his inquiry to an even more unrealistic request. “Actually, I don’t suppose you have any swim trunks that could fit me or any other kind of outfit do you?” Without even bothering to answer his obviously sarcastic question Aloe helped Jon to get up from the table; both were unaware of the fact that Jon had said the magic word. "Did somepony say outfit?" Rarity asked in a muffled tone since her head was still down. Barely two feet to the door Jon's attention was now on his future guest and what she had just fished out of her bag which was laying beside her bed. "Here you are, darling." Looking over everyone in the room could now see that she had in her possession a pair of swim trunks complete with an adjustable waist line and inner nettings. The fabric was the type one would expect to see for water exposure and there was a little sewn on insignia at the hip with Rarity’s face and initials. As surprised as he was this time Jon didn’t even bother asking when she had the time to make this so to help get things over with he graciously accepted her gift. “Thanks.” He said as he promptly slipped on the perfectly fitted swimwear, which incidentally was also pink, one leg at a time. Now that he was properly covered he undid his bathroom and swung it over his shoulder. Seeing that he was ready Aloe opened the door to the rest of the building and motioned for him to follow. “Okay, I’ll be back Rarity.” Jon called out as he passed the threshold. “If I don’t make it, tell my wife she can’t remarry.” Jon couldn’t see if she would even gesture back at him. He was too focused on shuffling his way across the room, following Aloe who was walking much too fast to keep up with. He might’ve been able to catch up but he was walking at a brisk pace as to not aggravate his already throbbing back. Eventually the two stopped at two doors separated by a series of purple and pink striped pillars. One door had a figure of a pink pony on it while the other a blue one. Jon could infer from this that one was for colts while the other for mares. “Well, here we are.” Aloe said. “Behind this door is a wide array of bath treatments and even a sauna.”. “I see” Jon responded, as he rubbed his still aching back. “Out of curiosity will... I’m not going to bump into Rarity or you and your sister while I’m in here will I?” “No, mares aren’t allowed in this part of the bathhouse. Plus me and my sister are scheduled to give Madam Rarity a seaweed wrap after this.” She answered. “If you would like we could skip the bath house and you can have one as well... however we may only have seaweed left to cover half of your body.” “NO, NO, NO that’s fine!” Jon urged. “I think I’ll just stay here for the rest of my stay!” “Very good,” she said. “If you need anything from us please don’t hesitate to come find us.” Jon watched as Aloe walked away back to the room that Jon had previously left, presumably to help her sister finish Rarity’s massage session. The second the door closed and she was out of sight Jon let out a huge sigh of relief. A part of him wanted to skip out of his spa date and head back home. He quickly turned down the idea since for one it would have been incredibly rude to his future guest and because as much as this day hadn't gone his way he had to admit, again, the idea of a bathhouse sounded nice. Not just because since the men and women were segregated, so he was guaranteed to not run into Rarity or the Spa twins as he wanted to be alone, but because he knew a bathhouse had to have a jacuzzi, something which would be just the trick for his still sore back. “Alright, here goes nothing.” Jon thought as he entered through the door marked for colts and wound up in an entirely new world. Unlike the rest of the spa this new location was much more organic by comparison. There were virtually no machines to be seen except for the occasional speaker which funneled smooth sounded music throughout the rooms. However much like the rest of the treatment centers things were somewhat densely packed but never lacking in variety. Jon could see a pool on one side and some designated shower stations on the other. But no jacuzzis as far as he could see. Oddly enough there weren’t many ponies in attendance; as a matter of fact Jon could see none, but from the sound of faucets being turned on he knew that they were out there. His assumption was that maybe the bathhouse wasn’t as popular the rest of the spa, but in truth it was because, like everywhere else in Equestria, there are more females than males. The floor in this new environment was wet so Jon carefully walked forward while keeping an eye out for anyone that could direct him to where he wanted to be. He passed the pool, the feet soaking stations, the shower heads and the smoothie bar. He didn’t need a swim, a shower, or a drink, all he wanted was to soak in a tub of hot water. Eventually he found something, something that somewhat resembled what he was looking for. It was a rectangular tub built into the ground with a few other similar ones next to it in a row. They certainly looked small enough to be considered a jacuzzi, but each of them were empty. “Huh?” Jon thought. “I wonder what this is.” Carefully he stepped into one of them and slowly lowered himself in. It was large for a pony but for Jon he had to slightly hug his knees to fit properly. Looking in all direction Jon tried to see if there was some kind of device that when activated would fill the tub with the life giving water he so desperately wanted, but none could be found at first glance. It was only when Jon looked over his shoulder at the long stretch of counter attached to a nearby wall did he see something that might help him. On top of the counter, in front of a mirror, there was a button with a logo over it in the shape of the tub Jon was currently in. “Bingo!” Jon grunted. Without even having to get up he leaned back to press the button whereupon there was the sound of something activating. With giddy anticipation Jon waiting for the steaming hot water to rise. He may not have been able to fit in the tub completely, but it was enough to get the job done. Pressing his knees closer to his chest and arching himself back so his back would get most of the water Jon anxiously prepared himself; but still nothing happened. Though nothing was happening he could still hear the sound of something occurring nearby. It was an odd sound, slightly out of place but whatever it was it was getting louder as time passed. So he decided to wait it out a bit longer, though if he’d been paying attention he would’ve noticed that the sound wasn’t coming from below him. When no water appeared for almost two whole minutes he made plans to get up and observe the button he pressed on the off chance that maybe he did something wrong. He was moments away from getting up when he felt something land on his head. Living in New York he was lucky enough to know what it felt like to have some pigeon do his business on you from on high and this felt remarkably similar. Out of curiosity he felt the top of his head to see what it was. He found what it was and without hesitation scooped it up with his fingers so he could observe what had hit him. It was a wet and slimy brown substance with bits of chunks in it. Jon didn’t have to be an expert in cosmetic beautification to know what this was. “Mud?” Jon thought as he looked upwards. It was then that his eyes caught something that horrified him. Above his head was some kind of funneling system connected at where the ceiling and wall met but didn’t notice till now since he activated it. “Oh no.” He said. “Not again.” This system, unknown to him at the time, was to be activated while no one was occupying the tub, only before. But for Jon it was too late, before he even got the chance to get up whatever mechanism he just activated was now dumping a steady flow of watered down dirt all over him like a turkey on Thanksgiving being drenched in gravy. “A mudbath.” Jon sighed as his face and once cleaned hair was being covered by the stuff. “Now if there was ever an oxymoron.” Accepting his filthy fate Jon just sat there as more and more mud sloshed it’s way onto his head, over his face and eventually to the rest of his body. Thankfully since the tub itself was meant for a pony, it was small in volume, so there wasn’t that much mud being drenched on him, but there was just enough to make it so he couldn’t just wipe it away; now he really did need to take a shower. As if he wanted to take his defeat in it’s entirety Jon waited till every last bit of mud was properly emptied over his head, whereupon he got up, brushed off as many globs of sludge as he could back into the tub. Slowly he turned his sights to the far end of the room where he had passed the sectioned off shower sections. Moving carefully he made a beeline for the nearest shower head, it was during this walk of shame that a pair of stallions entered the enclosure. Their conversation cut short by the sight of a mud covered human dragging a pink robe as he went for the shower section. For all they knew this was some kind of swamp monster so naturally neither of them knew what to say, but Jon did not share their hesitation. “Don’t ask.” He demanded as he threw his pink robe just outside of one the many public showers. With a face that seemed to carry with it no expression Jon randomly fiddled with the nozzles till water poured on him. He didn’t really care what temperature it was he just wanted the mud off of him. About the only good luck to be had here was that he managed to make the water at a soothing temperature; not too hot, but just enough that it at least felt like a jacuzzi. The steam eventually fogged up the semi-see-through glass that surrounded the shower station, making it so the two ponies, and anyone else, that came in wouldn't be able to see him. Jon spent his time in the shower the way he did back at home; pressed up against the side of the screen allowing his mind flow as freely as the water which dulled his sense, making especially sure that the hot water was flowing on his back more than anywhere else. As his previous pain began to slowly melt away he too felt like he was starting to go. Jon had to use all his strength to not pass out right there and then, Though after some unaccounted time had passed Jon eventually turned off the shower, sensing that perhaps he was starting to get too relaxed. He hated this next part so with great hesitation he stepped back out into the cold bath house. With hands that shivered with every second spent outside in the cold, Jon picked up his pink robe and quickly threw it over his shoulder, placed his hands back in the sleeves and tied it shut around his waist. He took back every reservation he ever had for it; he was now extremely thankful to have something warm to dry himself off with. Now that Jon was back outside he began to notice that more and more stallions were starting to enter the area, so to try and avoid any possible unwanted distraction he ventured further into the forest of shower stations that was the designated cleansing station. As he moved in deeper he found that not every shower station were identical as their counterpart. Some had different settings and at one point, Jon noticed that he missed an opportunity to occupy one that had more than one shower head. Still, after taking a turn through what he thought was an exit, he emerged to find himself in a new area which had what looked like a log cabin like structure in the center. It looked slightly out of place, like this was once a museum and this small house was an exhibit. Driven by his curiosity yet again Jon walked up to it to see what it was. The large wooden box with no windows and one door had a sign on it which read “Sauna” in cursive so neat he wasn’t entirely sure if it was handwritten or not. “Well now,” he thought. “This might be nice.” In his head he debated whether or not to enter but soon his mind was made up for him when he heard noises coming from behind him that sounded like someone coming; the last thing he wanted was to explain his story as to why he was here all over again. With that assumption still fresh in his mind Jon threw caution to the wind and opened the door which was almost as big as he himself, although he still felt the need to duck just in case. At first, Jon couldn’t see anything because of all the steam he had just let escape, but soon his eyes adjusted as the mist dissipated revealing an all wood paneled box of a room complete with benches, a place to safely hold water on one side and burning coal in the other. But all of these rustic accommodations isn’t what Jon’s got attention, but rather it was the dozen pair of eyes now trained directly on him. Out of the frying pan into the fire with roughly the same temperature. Jon wasn’t expecting this sudden audience so about all he could do was stare while the many stallions were looking right back at him. Jon was preoccupied with finding an unoccupied spot he could sit in. The sound of the door slamming behind him caused Jon to move forward and sit in the first available spot he could find, right between a blue Unicorn and a brown Earthpony. The entire time between Jon entering the sauna and him finding a spot to sit down was spent by the present ponies just glaring at him. Had this been on any other occasion Jon would assume it would be because of his effeminate attire, but in this case it was obviously due to the fact that he was both a human and a celebrity. It would seem that the residents of Ponyville respected Jon enough that they decided to not bother him during his apparent vacation. It would also seem that the unspoken guy code of not talking to each other while in a situation like this was being upheld even now, but that still didn’t stop anyone present from their continued gawking. It made him feel uneasy yes, but since he had felt this way about most of what took place on this day it felt almost common place, leaving him to reflect on the irony that was his getting used to feeling uncomfortable at a spa. And yet he still felt uneasy. This unwanted attention was something that he thought wouldn't bother him, but to have it occur in this setting just added an entire new layer of unsettling on top of it all. For example none of the ponies sitting around him were wearing any form of covering, thus they were completely exposed. And while it’s true that he wasn’t at all bothered about the subject of nudity (least of all animals whom he always saw naked) it was still more of a pony than he wanted to see. Case in point; from where Jon sat he could tell that none of the ponies present were Jewish. With a sigh Jon leaned forward, used the tools provided to scoop some water and splashed it over the collection of hot coals to make mist fill the room, as if by doing so no one could see anything but white fog. It was so misty and not at all visible that Jon didn’t even notice when a pony would leave the room; though a bigger reason for this was that he kept his eyes closed the entire time. By sheer coincidence Jon was the last person in the sauna when a helper pony rang a bell to indicate that it was closing time at the bathhouse. Only a few members still remained in the area, including Jon, but they were all promptly herded out by staff hands nonetheless. The rest of the Spa was still open for some time since this particular enclosure was only open for a few hours at a time. His refusal to leave the sauna was eventually discovered by a helpful working pony who knocked on the sauna door and informing him that he had to leave. Which he did, dragging his feet along the way. Jon was the last to leave the bathhouse; if he had his way he’d stay longer and would only leave once he was forced out kicking and screaming. But for the sake of keeping appearance he did leave, and when he did he was greeted by a pair of familiar faces waiting for him a few feet away from the enclosure’s entrance. “We meet once again Mr. Stewart.” Lotus smiled, ignorant of how lewd it looked for her and her sister to be waiting just outside the colt’s entrance. “Tell us, did you...” “... Enjoy your time in our world renowned bathhouse?” Aloe added. “We hope it was to your liking.” Before answering Jon rubbed his face with his hands and probably began to stretch his arms like he was trying to grab something behind him. “Yes, yes it was actually.” Jon admitted in a tone like he had just awoken from a deep sleep. “Tell me, where is Rarity? Is she still getting treated? Let me guess, she’s bathing in water populated by small fish that eat the parasites off you or some such nonsense?” “No Mr Stewart, the scrounging treatment is only on Tuesdays.” Aloe explained. “But as for Madam Rarity she... “... Is already done and waiting for you up front.” Lotus added. “We have your clothes ready for you right here.” Noticing that there was a basket-like object in between them Jon bent down and picked it up to find that his newly tailored suit from that day was neatly folded and ready to be worn for the first time since acquiring it. Without even asking Jon stepped behind an adjacent folding screen that someone left behind to change. Aloe and Lotus would have mentioned that from where the screen was placed ponies could see him through a nearby mirror’s reflection, but they decided that he had suffered enough today. Soon Jon emerged fully dressed, his black suit in stark contrast with the pink robe and swim trunks he carefully put away in the same basket his suit was being kept in. This was his first time wearing his present and he had to admit, it felt as nice as it looked. The measurements were spot on with each proportions fitting just right with a little bit of room so it didn’t feel too restrictive. The outside felt as smooth and delicate as the interior, and while he wasn’t a fan of dark black, even he had to admit it was the best suit he had ever worn. It was so nice he felt the need to thank the person who made it so with that he slowly walked toward the front door in the most direct route he could see, but not before addressing the twins one last time. “Well then; Aloe, Lotus, it’s been a pleasure.” He said with a quick bow and a clipping of his cufflinks. “Now if you’ll excuse me I really ought to be going now.” “Bye bye!” Both sisters said in unison. “We hope you will join us again soon.” Hearing this almost caused Jon to drop his belongings as he stopped in the middle of the room. With a look of disbelief on his face he turned around so quickly that he managed cause a small jolt of pain in his neck. “You can’t be serious!?” He exclaimed, which caused both sister’s to lower their ears in guilt. Seeing this made Jon in turn feel guilty too for his sudden outburst. For all that went wrong there was still some moments of euphoria that Jon used to justify what he would say next. “Uh, I mean... I would... I would love to come here again... maybe during my next vacation?” “Really!” Both sisters asked, with newly engraved smiles on their face. “Oh sure, are you kidding me?” Jon asked as scanned the room one last time before turning around to head to the waiting room. “Wild horses couldn't keep me away.”