THIS IS THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART
Series: Equestrian interviews
Interviewer: Jon Stewart
Guest: Lyra and Bon Bon
Date: ???
Location: Daily Show headquarters
733 11th Avenue Manhattan, NY 10019
THIS IS THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART
The interview with Lyra and Bon Bon would be looked at by Jon as one with a load of firsts. It was the first time he interviewed two ponies at once, it was the first time he ever had his audience vote on who he would interview, and it was the first time he had a pony come back again for a re-interview (technically).
Because of this the good staff and crew of Daily Show headquarters were struggling to make sure that everything went right with this most special of episodes. In actuality however most found themselves having to work in a frenzied scramble because it was the only way to keep up with Lyra Heartstrings who finally got her wish by visiting the human world that was once thought to be only a myth.
Some staffers wondered why Jon didn’t meet his guests in person when they arrived as he normally did. His not wanting to make a good first impression was soon understood by all the second Lyra and Bon Bon first made contact.
The second she touched down Lyra immediately sprinted forth and tackled the first human she saw, asking so many questions it looked as if she would collapse from lack of oxygen. Her apparent guardian, later revealed to be girlfriend, Bon Bon tried to calm her down and behave herself but once she saw more humans and the strange devices they were operating she ran straight into the main studio with many staffers trying to catch her like a greased up pig.
Fearing that she may injure herself (like last time) Selina instead elected to stay behind in the dressing room to explain to Bon Bon how things worked around here and what was expected of both parties. After a few minutes of conversation she deduced that this quirky sounding Earthpony was the more mature of the two and decided to stay with her for the remainder of the day; she much preferred her company.
Jon all but knew this would happen, he wouldn't go as far as saying ponies were predictable but their social behavior was fairly easy to anticipate which was just a nice way of saying they’re borderline one dimensional. Taking this into consideration, Jon purposely made himself scarce that afternoon by not actually being inside the building but instead heading around the corner to get some lunch. By the time he returned Lyra had scouted, against the advice of many humans, the entire studio and was already exhausted beyond imagination.
This was also done for a calculated reason. As a parent and owner of a pet Jon knew that the best way to handle a hyperactive animal was to tire them out first. When he finally revealed himself to Lyra, who at this point had used up all her energy trying to find him, he found that she was about as threatening as guard dog with no teeth. This became evident when she attempted to blitzkrieg Jon in the same manner as when they first met only to have her bounce off his stomach.
More than anything, this showed Jon just how harmless she really was and that his fear of her was mostly unfounded. Still, that alone didn’t stop him from having Selina drive her and Bon Bon around the city for a few hours just so he could get some work done uninterrupted. The rule was while in the car no one could leave, a wise policy since Lyra would have a tried to jump the first hotdog vender she saw.
So for the time being Jon stayed to make phone calls both personal and professional and do some paper work before being called off for rehearsals. After that it was only a few hours before the actual show began with the usual first and second segment coming and going thus making way for the main event.
After two thirds of the show had concluded both Jon and his fanbase were in the right mood to have yet another installment of “Equestrian Interviews.” The telltale sign that the interview was now fast approaching was by the fact that upon the return from the commercial break the first thing shown was the same stock footage of the Manhattan streets before zooming out to see the Daily Show logo appear then leave in favor of the camera zooming in on Jon as he played with the papers on his desk.
He didn’t address the audience right away as it would be pointless with them cheering so loudly that the audio guys upstairs had to adjust the volume output so it didn’t blare too loudly for those watching on their televisions.
So in the mean time Jon spun his blue sheets of paper against the surface of his desk while at the same time bobbing back and forth like he was listening to music. After a few seconds he finally spoke while point towards the camera, accidently sending some loose notes to the ground.
“Hey welcome back everybody, our guests tonight! Ooooh we’ve got a very, very... very, very, very special one for you guys this time,” Jon said as he gleefully rubbed his hands together. “They are an interracial couple from the town of Ponyville as well as your top voted guests for tonight’s show with many strong ties to the pony community.”
“I’m going to tell you right now, it is impossible for a human to make that face,” Jon said, sounding like he knew from experience. “Please welcome to the show Lyra Heartstrings and Bon Bon!”
With the standard intro music blaring at a sensible enough volume, where it didn’t cause unnecessary feedback but was still loud enough to be heard by all, it was still difficult to hear over the roar of the audience as they eagerly awaited the guests of the night.
The first to show herself was an unfamiliar cream colored Earthpony with purple and pink streaked hair which curled at the ends and a cutie mark that seemed to depict pieces of candy. No one but Jon recognized her and based on her demeanour it seemed like she did not want to be there. Her face was scrunched, her lips were pressed, and her brow was narrowed like she was embarrassed to be on stage which Jon would have understood since it was her first time in the human world.
But it wasn’t until her mate followed not so close behind her that Jon understood her unease with the situation.
With awkward steps, Lyra finally revealed herself to the audience which caused them to both raise their cheering in volume and laugh with joyous glee. Upon her arrival it could be seen by all that, while Bon Bon came to the show in typical pony fashion, Lyra had at one point been decked out with all manner of cosmetic apparel.
On her head she wore a brightly colored drinking hat, which completely covered her white and cyan streaked hair, that housed a can of soda in both compartments and a pair of glasses which if Jon was more knowledge of the subject would know are called “stunna shades.” Her light seafoam green body was mostly covered by an oversized white t-shirt that had “I love New York” blazed across it with a heart replacing the corresponding word. She wore a loose pair of cargo shorts which looked like they would slip off at any moment and finally both her front hooves were covered by giant foam fingers which read “Mets #1” on them.
About the only thing sensible about her attire was a woven saddle bag that draped over her back.
It was usually around this time that Jon would have walked out to the center of the stage to greet them but he was unable to even move from his seat as he was too busy laughing hysterically just off camera. Bon Bon saw this which only deepened her embarrassment, but Lyra didn’t notice as she was too busy waving to the guests while fighting off a powerful urge to run up to a camera guy to ask what he was doing.
The height of Bon Bon’s discomfort for her predicament occurred when Lyra flopped on her back to wave her hooves in the air like a child throwing a tantrum but in fact did so to show off her novelty hands. Instead of trying to get her to act her age she simply ran up to Jon’s desk where she said her hellos and planted herself on one of the two empty chairs that was provided. From there the two waited for Lyra to finish her routine and join them which she did once she was silently told off screen by staff members to move on.
Eventually she did join her girlfriend and host by sitting on the chair next to her and before Jon could even began he waited a few seconds for the crowd to settle down. It was during this moment that Jon noticed something very interesting about his heavily accessories friend, that being that while most ponies either stood in their seat or sat down properly, as an equine would, Lyra took to sitting on her flank with her hind legs dangling over like a human.
He thought it odd but at the same time quickly dismissed it as it was now time for the actual interview to commence.
“It’s good to... it’s good to have you girls here!” Jon said over the crowd, now turning his attention to Lyra. “It look like... uh, it looks like you had fun exploring the city!”
Using his finger he motioned to her many odd looking souvenirs that were scatter around her person like she dove head first into a box of tourist clothing.
“It was so awesome!” Lyra exclaimed while lunging forward like she was going to pounce. “That nice lady... uh what her name again?” The way she asked her question it wasn’t directed at Jon but rather at anyone who could hear her.
Quick on her feet Bon Bon the one who answered.
“Selina.” Bon Bon sighed. “The woman that escorted us around is named is Selina!”
“Oh yeah that’s right... that’s a weird name,” Lyra said more used to hearing names that gave away a pony’s occupation or characteristic.
“Lyra, don’t say that about our chaperone! It’s rude!” She scolded.
“Oh right... sorry,” Lyra said sticking her tongue out and rubbing the back of her head. “When I see her next I’ll let her make fun of me so we’ll be even.”
“That’s not the point,” Bon Bon explained while tugging on her shirt to get her to sit back down. Turning now she went to address the host for the first time. “Your assistant was very nice, thank you very much for having her take us around the city.”
“It’s quite alright, no need to... to worry-- SO what did you girls end up doing for your first trip in the big apple?” Jon asked. It looked like Bon Bon was about to respond when Lyra, once again, launched forth to answer.
“We did all kinds of things! Like, like, like, like we saw a tall building! And we got some food I’ve never seen before called a hotdog, and Selina bought me all these cool human clothes!” Lyra said so fast it was hard to understand. “OH, OH, OH, OH and we even saw another pony BUT he was being ridden on by a human police person... WHAT’S UP WITH WHAT!?”
Her answer came and went like an explosion, leaving Jon unable to respond since she was practically standing on the desk like doing so would show how serious she was. Thankfully Bon Bon was there to fill the void left by her mate.
“She took us out to lunch,” Bon Bon answered in a quiet and slow tone before grabbing her drink. The juxtaposition between their answered made the audience laugh with Jon thinking that perhaps it wasn’t so bad that Lyra’s better half also attended this time.
“Well I’m glad... you two had fun,” Jon could only say.
“Yes we very much did,” Bon Bon responded. “In fact we--”
“Oh, oh, question, QUESTION!” Lyra interrupted, waving her foam finger in the air which caused a brave Mets fan in the audience to briefly holler.
“Yes, Lyra,” Jon said like a patient teacher.
“Have you ever heard of a place called ‘Starbucks?’” she asked. Jon didn’t answer right away but rather allowed the question to float for a bit so those who heard it could chuckle.
“I’ve... I’ve heard of this place yes,” he answered. “Why do you ask?”
“Because when Selina took us out I saw them like... everywhere!” Lyra commented. “What is that place!”
“Weeeeell... what do you think it is?” Jon rebuttled. Catching her by surprise, Lyra looked at her Earthpony friend who looked back and just gave her a shrug, she was just as in the dark as she was.
“Uuuuuh... let’s see ‘Star’.... ‘Bucks’....” Lyra listed, her mind hard at work to decipher this code. “Is it... is it a place where you kick celebrities and that’s why you know about it.”
The crowd couldn't help but laugh at her childish sense of reasoning at play. Jon thought it adorable which is why he decided to play along just for the sake of comedy.
“That’s exactly what it’s for,” Jon commented.
“Really!?” Both mares exclaimed with Bon Bon looking highly skeptical while Lyra looking like the Websters’ picture for excited.
“It’s true... been around since the late 70’s,” Jon lied. “The way it works is... the more popular the uh... the, the, celebrity the more money you have to spend to kick them. People like... people like Samuel Jackson or Will Smith cost thousands upon thousands of dollars to kick... while those like Jonah Hill... aaaa bit less.”
“That sounds awfu--” Bon Bon tried to say before being cut off.
“THAT SOUNDS AWESOME!” Lyra interrupted, her eyes practically gleaming. “How much would it cost to kick somepony like you?”
Thinking for a second that, by his own logic, one’s popularity would dictate the cost, Jon purposely didn’t answer for a second while sporting a face of disappointment for comedic effect.
I’d uh... I’d rather not saaaaaay OKAY THEN NEW TOPIC! Now before we uh... before we go any further I think... I just want to address how uncommon... all of this is,” Jon said. “You see... we don’t usually have two guests at... at once-- I mean it happens don’t get me wrong but it’s rare and usually reserved for people like Bill and Melinda Gates. So what I’m saying here is... convince me this wasn’t a bad idea convince me that... I mean what have you guys done to enrich your community or what have you done to... t-to help the needy.”
Looking at each other then back at Jon both ponies took a second to think about the good they have done. The act more than anything made those in attendance laugh which Jon silently waving at them to settle down so they could answer.
“Weeeell...” Bon Bon began, her voice drawn out and somewhat squeaky sounding. “I once donated money to charity.”
“Yeah and I once gave money to somepony called Charity!” Lyra added. Hearing this caused all humans to chuckle but only made her girlfriend take notice.
“You mean Charity Springs?” Bon Bon asked. “No, you didn’t. You still owe her 20 bits.”
“Shhhhh don’t remind her!” Lyra exclaimed. “She might be watching!”
It was rare for Jon to be laughing at the antics of his guest this early in the interview which was his way of knowing this was going to be a doozy of a segment. He made a mental note to watch out for Lyra.
“Yes well... again thank you girls for being here because... again I just want to make clear that... that, that, that this interview completely different than anything we’ve done here before,” Jon reminded while making hand movements like he was karate chopping his desk. “As well as being the first pony duo on my show this is the first time we’ve had the fan base vote on a guest.”
Before the guests in question had a chance to respond to this the audience gave them a round of applause which Bon Bon might have taken a moment to enjoy had Lyra not used her as leverage to hoist herself up and wave back to them.
“See Bon Bon!?” Lyra bragged. “Everypony here loves me! Told you they would!”
“I didn’t... okay so maybe I thought they’d hate you but I was only keeping your feelings in mind.” Bon Bon countered.
“Well you don’t have to all the time!” Lyra said. “I’m a big mare now.”
“Wow, what’s uh, what’s all this?” Jon asked, addressing more Bon Bon than Lyra. “Bon Bon, you thought we would hate Lyra?”
Before actually working up the nerve to explain herself the slightly now nervous Earthpony took stock and noticed that a large amount of people were not looking at her.
“No it’s just... well Jon... as you know the last time Lyra was... technically here things got a bit out of hoof,” Bon Bon answered, making past references to when Queen Chrysalis attacked the show. “When we were told that... your audience voted her to come back I was against the idea because I thought folks would still be mad at her.”
“Speaking of which... uh, this uh... this may be too late to be bringing up but to those listening... we had a contest to see who would appear on my show next. That was-- it was an open polling system and Lyra here won,” Jon explained, pausing to let the audience applause for a bit. After he was done he shifted slightly to once again address Bon Bon. “But that was just for Lyra so... the question right now is... who are you?”
The audience as well as Lyra laughed while Bon Bon shifted in her seat and cleared her throat.
“Well you’ve already said but... my name is Bon Bon,” she introduced. “And I’m Lyra’s roommate and girlfriend.” Same sex marriage wasn’t an issue in Equestria so for a while she would be confused as to why the audience applauded her being so open about her sexuality.
“And I’m Lyra!” the cyan Unicorn announced.
“They already know that,” Bon Bon added.
“I know but I just wanted to say something too,” Lyra rebutted.
Jon was glad that this was the real Lyra rather than another Changeling in disguise. Otherwise her quirky personality would have more love than she could handle from those watching the show.
“So... you’re a couple....a-and you live together, that’s-- you know that’s a big step in any relationship,“ Jon commented. “How long have you two been together?”
“We’ve been friends since we were like... four!” Lyra proudly announced.
“We’ve also been dating for almost eight years,” Bon Bon added. “And living together for five.”
“Well congratulations,” Jon said, quickly continuing to cut off the audience’s applause.
“And uh... I hope you don’t mind me asking but I’ve always had this idea that... that Equestria is perfect so I have to ask- do you guys... you know... ever get your chops busted for about your relationship?”
“Busted chops?” Lyra said while confusingly looking at her hind legs.
“You mean do we ever face prejudice for our different form of love?” Bon Bon ascertained.
“Yes! Exactly!” Jon said.
“Not really, Equestria is a pretty tolerant place,” Bon Bon answered.
“But there are dummies out there!” Lyra scoffed. “Like mom and dad.”
“Yes... I’m afraid there are some ponies, such as our parents, who do not approve our our relationship,” Bon Bon added.
“You mean because you’re both mares?” Jon asked, which seemed to completely catch his guests off guard.
“What? N-no,” Bon Bon said. “My parents don’t like the fact that I live with a pony who isn’t a part of their business and Lyra’s parents... to be frank, are hippies who think I’m too uptight .”
“Who would care about gender when it comes to couples?” Lyra asked, which made Jon bury his face into his hands in envy at how near perfect Equestria was.
“Okay nevermind!” Jon said. “Let’s uh... let’s go back a bit soooo...Wha--what’s it like living together after knowing each other so many years?”
With a smile, Bon Bon attempted to answer before getting beaten to it by Lyra.
“Eh, it’s alright,” Lyra quickly answered before her mate could.
“Lyra! How could you say that!?” Bon Bon said.
“I’m just teasing!” Lyra snickered as she turned to face Jon. “Really, really, it’s great... although she can be a little bossy sometimes.”
“Lyra! You’re being rude again!” Bon Bon scolded.
“I’m just saying! Like okay, did you know that at first she didn’t want me to go on your show at all!” Lyra revealed to Jon. “She thought I would get hurt or that people wouldn't like me. And then she said I could go but only if she came along to keep an eye on me.”
“Oh well... see, that’s... that’s nice of her,” Jon addressed to try and defuse the situation. “It’s uh... it’s good to know you have someone who looks after you.”
“I gueeeeess,” Lyra moaned which made the audience chuckle. “But sometimes I feel like she’s smothering me.”
“Lyra, I just care about you!” Bon Bon said. “If I’m not around you get into all kinds of trouble... been that way ever since we were fillies.”
“Hey! I can look after myself,” Lyra retaliated while striking a poetic looking pose to assert her authority. An act that was undermined as she was saluting with her foam finger.
“Oh really? Remember the milk incident,” Bon Bon reminded, which made Lyra almost fall out of her seat.
“What milk incident?” Jon asked.
“I uh... I-I-I don’t think now’s a good time to be talking about the milk incident!” Lyra suggested, but it was too late, Bon Bon was already in the middle of her explanation.
“Back when we first moved in together she thought she was lactose intolerant for the first week because every time she drank milk she got sick,” Bon Bon explained while Lyra tried to hide her blushing face behind her foam fingers. “Turns out she got sick because the milk carton was left behind by the previous owner and was a few months passed the expiration date.”
Leaning forward only to jolt back violently, Jon began to laugh without any regard to how embarrassed his guest was. Bon Bon herself didn’t even crack a smile but Lyra still looked at her with annoyed eyes for sharing that story.
“Hey! It was an honest mistake!” Lyra exclaimed. “The milk label clearly said it was good for another 30 years!”
“Lyra, that was obviously a typo!” Bon Bon said. “There’s no way milk can stay fresh for that long!”
“W-well... you don’t know that for sure!” Lyra countered. “I mean... since when did you become and expert on milk!? Who understands that stuff anyway!? If I buy a carton that says only 2% milk than what's the other 96%!? Besides, the last time I threw away a bottle that had expired you yelled at me!”
“That’s because it was my 30-year-old bottle of wine!” Bon Bon yelled back.
“You know... it’s uh, not my policy to give advice to other couples,” Jon said, choosing his words very carefully. “But... I think I’m going to side on Bon Bon on this one... you keep on an eye on this one.”
“Heeeeey!” Lyra moaned as the crowd laughed at her yet again.
“Lyra, you see? Even Jon thinks you’re irresponsible,” Bon Bon said.
“Hey wow... I didn’t say that,” Jon defended himself.
“Trust me Jon, you don’t know her like I do,” Bon Bon added. “She can be a real trouble maker.”
“Am not!” Lyra shot back.
“Do I need to tell him about the funeral story?” Bon Bon asked. The second she asked her question the entire studio went silent with only the hum of either a camera or monitor to fill the void left by her inquiry. Soon after however the sound of laughter from the audiences echoed far and wide by sight of Lyra ignoring her mate’s question and helping herself to a sip of her water.
“Please... enlighten us,” Jon said with a slow sweep of his hand.
“A few years ago my uncle passed away and I went to his funeral,” Bon Bon explained. “It was my first time going to one and I was nervous so I had Lyra come with me.”
“Oh I love where this is going!” Jon commented. “Continue.”
“Yes well... I told Lyra how scared I was so she used her magic to try and calm me down,” Bon Bon continued. “It was supposed to be a relaxing spell administered to my head which would have made me less tense.”
“Did it work?” Jon asked.
“In a way... yes it did,” Bon Bon answered before looking over at Lyra who was innocently playing with her hair. “It was actually a hallucinogenic spell that some Unicorns use to... take the edge off.”
“She got you high!?” Jon blurted so suddenly that both guests jumped in their seats. “O-on... during your Uncle’s funeral.”
“I SAID I WAS SORRY!” Lyra yelled out of leftover reflex.
“I ended up being more nervous than before!” Bon Bon added. “I was so on edge I... I was terrified that I would do something to alienate my entire family.”
“Well did it-- did you make through the burial?” Jon asked.
“Barely but yes... I made it through without making a complete fool of myself. But it was so... so difficult. The spell had me seeing things and doing things I wouldn’t normally do.” Bon Bon shook her head, the events of that day still clear in her head. “At one point I was literally talking to my dead uncle in his casket!”
“Well to be fair that’s not so strange,” Jon interjected. “I’ve seen people talk to headstones for comfort.”
“Y-yeah Bon Bon he’s right!” Lyra added. “Everypony does it!”
“Yeah... but he was talking back to me!” Bon Bon huffed. Again Jon found himself laughing harder than he should have been to the point where he had to briefly stand up and walk a few paces before returning to his seat.
Out of embarrassment Lyra hid herself from the audience, who were also in the throes of laughter, by hiding behind Bon Bon who unfazed but still sported a nervous smile for the situation.
“Okay I... I-- Geez!” Jon tried to continued only to burst out laughing again. “I can see why you didn’t want her to come back here on her own.”
“Yes exactly my point!” Bon Bon agreed. “Not after last time she came here... when I found out that the Lyra who was on TV the first time was really Chrysalis I... I was so scared, Jon.”
“Yeah, that day sucked,” Lyra added. “I was just minding my own business and then wham! A changeling goon cheap shotted me and stuck me one of their cocoon sleeping bags... totally nasty.”
Both Bon Bon and Jon shuttered at the thought.
“Lyra, don’t say that!” Bon Bon scolded. “I don’t ever want to think about something so gruesome.” Carefully, though with a quick lunge, Bon Bon reached over to wrap her hoof around Lyra to tuck her in.
Although appreciative, Lyra didn’t like being literally smothered.
“Oh you worry too much, babe!” Lyra said, breaking free. “I’m totally fine now.”
“Yes but what if something were to happen to you!” Bon Bon blurted out, her voice starting to waver. “What would I do if you’re ever gone?”
“Doooon’t worry I’ll always be here for you!” Lyra assured her before giving her a quick hug.
“You better!” Bon Bon said. “I just don’t want you getting hurt like last time.”
“Last time?” Jon asked.
“Oh right... this wasn’t the first time Lyra got herself into trouble with Queen Chrysalis,” Bon Bon answered in a low and annoyed tone.
“Yeah! This one time Chrysalis invaded Canterlot during the royal wedding and she hypnotized me, one of the bridesmaids, to do her dirty work!” Lyra said in an almost proud sounding voice.
“You should probably stop hanging around that woman,” Jon said, causing the crowd to chuckle. “She’s definitely a bad influence on you.”
Despite Jon being completely serious, his words had enough of a comedic punch in them that the audience felt the need to laugh. Before continuing both Bon Bon and Jon adjusted themselves in their seats with Lyra still preferring to sit awkwardly on her rump.
“Hey, I’m not a little kid!” Lyra shot back while still struggling in her seat. “I know not to talk to strangers.”
“All I’m saying is there are those who care about you,” Jon said turning ever so slightly to look at Bon Bon. “Some more than others.”
“No need!” Lyra said now completely breaking free. “I can handle things myself.”
“Oh really?” Jon said. “Well then you... okay how about this... what is the most mature-- what’s the most responsible thing you’ve done as of late?”
“The most mature thing I’ve done recently?” she echoed.
“Yes,” Jon replied. Drumming her hooves on the table and trying her best to hold back a smile, Lyra slowly turned to face Bon Bon who reacted with a confused look as if to ask ‘what are you looking at?’
With an answer fresh in her mind Lyra turned once again to Jon.
“The most mature thing I’ve done lately,” she repeated after clearing her throat then nudging her head to the side. “Bon Bon.”
It took a couple of seconds for those watching to understand her answer. It took Jon and Bon Bon even longer but once they did they reacted with a wealth of emotions. Jon’s face began to turn red from lack of oxygen as he was laughing while Bon Bon’s face bore a similar shade of color out of embarrassment.
Similarly, Jon began to lightly pound at the table in reflex while Lyra endured getting a light pummeling from her mate who did so from pure embarrassment.
“Lyra, you’re so embarrassing!” Bon Bon scolded with the playful unicorn not responding except for sticking her tongue out in defiance, forcing Jon to play referee.
“Okay, okay enough... enough talk about...such things let’s uh... let’s-- I want to get to know you two a little better,” Jon said after his bout of laughter, suddenly reminding himself that although he had met these two before he still knew very little about them. “Like uh....uh, Bon Bon... where-- what do you do for a living?”
Hearing this made the flustered Earth pony stop her assault and Lyra snort to herself like she going to laugh again which made Bon Bon in return give her a quick glare before answering.
“Well... I... actually I’m sort of.... at the moment I’ve halted previous connection with any and all former employers and I’ve instead opted to take up a self managing position with specific self subsidized projects, ” she answered nervously while fiddling with her hooves. “I’m currently also open for future endeavors including but not limited to foundations both local and foreign ranging from entry level to higher pay positions.”
As if shots were fired and those watching were trying to ascertain where they came from, the entire studio became dead silent, the only sound to be heard being Lyra’s chair squeaking as she slowly leaned forward.
“She’s unemployed,” Lyra said, breaking the silence.
This time it was Bon Bon attempting to hide her blushing face, though she didn’t have the advantage that were novelty foam fingers. Being the gentleman that he was Jon allowed her time to regain her composure, but really he just wanted to even things out by allowing the crowd to laugh at her for once.
“Is this true Bon Bon?” Jon asked.
“Y-yes, I’m between jobs,” she sulkily admitted.
“Weeeell I-- hey don’t sound so down!” Jon said. “There’s no shame in temporary unemployment, happens to the best of us.”
“I know it’s just... I’m supposed to be the responsible one,” Bon Bon answered.
“Heeeeeey!” Lyra said. “When you say it like that it sounds like you're saying I’m not responsible at at all.” Seeing that she was serious Bon Bon felt as if her point was just made.
“Like I said... I’m supposed to be the responsible one,” she repeated.
“Hey!” Lyra shouted.
“Well what a... who did-- what was your previous job?” Jon asked, ignoring Lyra’s pleads for attention. “What did you do before unemployment?”
“Weeeell... technically my last job wasn’t a full time thing but rather I freelanced for a bit.” Bon Bon answered.
“Oh? Doing what?” Jon asked.
“Voice acting,” Bon Bon answered. “I’m a voice actor.”
“I... really?” Jon said in a confused tone that made a few audience members chuckle. “I uh... I didn’t see that coming.”
“Oh it’s no surprise back home, Jon,” Bon Bon continued. “I’ve had several different jobs, but all the while I’ve always maintained my portfolio as a voice actress as my main profession. Everything else is just part time employment to help me get by.”
“Wait so... s-so is uh... is voice acting... your special talent?” Jon asked.
“You bet it is!” Lyra answered on her behalf. “And she’s great at it too!”
“Lyra, he was asking me not you,” Bon Bon scolded. “Don’t butt in like that, it’s rude.”
“Tee hee, you said ‘butt!’” Lyra chuckled which made Bon Bon roll her eyes and sigh.
“If you’re that good.... how about a demonstration?” Jon asked.
“Yeah Bon Bon! Show ‘em!” Lyra encouraged, though it was unnecessary since she had already made her mind, or rather the crowd did for her by their incessant cheering.
“Okay, okay I’ll do it!” Bon Bon finally said, her voice quivering since Lyra was rocking her back and forth till she agreed. With a quick gulp of air she looked like she was concentrating on maintaining a new voice but really was just waiting for the crowd to calm down so everyone could hear her. To help Jon gestured with his hand and shushed them with his finger till there was nothing but silence. And then she spoke.
“How’s this sound?” Bon Bon said, picking a random tone from a commercial she once voiced, which was a seductive sounding tone, completely different from her previous squeaky sounding voice which sounded like she was constantly nagging
“Hey, not bad!” Jon said as both he and the audience applauded. A part of him didn’t fully believe her claims but he was soon proven wrong. In addition this suddenly change of character reminded him of when he first met her compared to the here and now. He didn’t notice at first but her voice did sound different in both instances. “That’s really impressive.”
“Oh stop Jon!” Bon Bon said, her face once again red.
“You know I uh... I’m kinda known for my voice acting skills too,” Jon said before leaning over and sporting the smuggest facial expression he could find. “Hey uh, let me tell ya something... you and me... we rule this town!” Although his skills weren’t exactly on par, Bon Bon showed respect by returning the compliment with an applause of her own.
“Very good! That’s your New Yorker accent isn’t it?” Bon Bon asked but had no intention of waiting for an answer since she was already shifting gears to give it a try herself. “Youse guys bettah not show ya mugs in my toif again... unless ya wanna little bittah dis, you know what I’m saying!?”
“Jesus you’re good!” Jon was forced to admit, slightly disturbed by how well she could could sound like someone straight out of SoHo without even trying. “That’s... that’s even better than me-- Wow, you’re amazing!”
“Told you she was!” Lyra proudly announced
“I have to admit I uh... I-I-I didn’t think your special talent was... well this,” Jon continued. “I have to admit I... I just thought you worked in a candy factory or something... I mean uh... you know... cause of the name.”
“Oh that in itself is a long, looong story.” Bon Bon sighed. “Short version is my family actually own a large chain of candy stores along the west coast. I come from a long line of confectionary talent... that’s why my parents named me ‘Bon Bon’ because they thought I’d work the family business.”
“Have you ever worked in candy?” Jon asked.
“A few times back when I lived at home but I didn’t like it,” Bon Bon admitted. “My true passion was voice acting and that’s why I have to take so many odd jobs, because my family won’t help support me unless I work for them. I love them but I can’t work in a career I have no passion in... it broke their heart when I moved away to live on my own as a voice actress.”
“W-wait I’m confused about something... if... if your special isn’t candy then... uh, why is your cutie mark candy pieces?” Jon asked. Both guests and the audience quickly glanced over to her flank which made her blush slightly.
“Oh this?” Bon Bon said, raising her flank slightly. “These aren’t candies, they’re cough drops. You see I practice different voices almost every day, and after awhile it gets hard on the throat so sometimes I have to take a throat lozenge to help me through the day.”
“I... huh,” Jon said. “I had no idea.”
“I get this a lot, ponies always think their actual bon bons,” she said. “But trust me I love being a voice actor.”
“Would you say that... I mean like you said you’ve done many part time jobs before,” Jon reminded. “So would you say that being this-- being a voice actress the most rewarding... job you’ve ever had?”
“Oh most definitely and believe me I’ve had a lot of part time jobs in the past,” Bon Bon answered. “I’ve gotten a lot experience from my other part time endeavors but I’ve never been happier as when I’m in a soundproof booth reading off lines for whatever commercial or show I can get.”
“Aside from doing part time jobs to help... to fund your voice acting career do find that working these odd jobs help you build your... y-y-you’re repertoire of voices?” Jon asked. “Like maybe you can get a job on a farm so you build up the a more... extensive range of southern accents.”
Usually quick on her hooves Bon Bon now found herself slightly tilting her head to the side, as if doing so could help her think. Her gaze went skyward as she recalled some of her past work around Ponyville as well as other cities when she was younger. A look of enlightenment soon spread across her face as she began to nod to herself in agreement.
“Yeah... you know I never thought about it like that but you’re right!” she answered. “I have picked up a few habits from my past jobs... and not just voices either!”
“It’s true,” Lyra sighed. “She always brings back something from work and sometimes it get’s annoying.”
“Really?” Jon said. “Such as?”
“Well... off of the top of my head I once helped this restaurant with their garden,” Bon Bon answered. “This local diner grew all their food themselves so I helped take care of their fruit and vegetables- as a result me and Lyra now have our own garden bed... though I’m the only one who waters or plants the seeds.”
“Hey, you’re the one that wanted to go all organic, not me,” Lyra said in an uncaring voice before remembering something else. “Oh, oh, tell ‘em about your workout routine.”
“Oh right, um, it’s nothing special but... at one point I even got a job as a physical trainer,” Bon Bon said. “I used to help ponies exercise at the local gym and now I have my own training regimen!”
“I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Lyra doesn’t join in any of these workout routines,” Jon guessed.
“Nope!” Lyra proudly as she stretched her front hooves behind her head in an arched position.
“You really should ya know?” Bon Bon said. “Otherwise you’ll get fat.”
“If that does happen will you stop loving me?” Lyra asked still in a relaxed pose
“Well no, I suppose I won't,” Bon Bon answered. “Though that doesn’t me you shouldn't--”
“Then I have nothing to worry about!” Lyra interrupted. “Bring on the endless flow of potato chips and chocolate milk!”
The crowd encouraged her bad behavior with a flow of laughter and some applause from some attendees. And while Bon Bon shook her head in disappointment Jon marveled at Lyra like this was his first time seeing her.
“I see so much of myself in you right now,” Jon commented as he shook his head in disbelief.
“Anyways!” Bon Bon interjected over the continued laughter of the audience. “My personal workout routine, which I do every morning, consists of 100 crunches, a couple of standing postures to build balance, and several reps with 20 pound dumbbells before running two laps around ponyville; three laps if it’s a weekend.”
“I uh... I did a push up once,” Jon tried to brag which only made the audience laugh once again, this time squarely at him.
“Afterwards I come home and jog in place till I’m too tired to continue, my best time is 32 minutes before I collapse,” Bon Bon revealed. “This is the only time Lyra actually helps me; in this case by timing me.”
“Yeah, I like watching her do that because it looks like she really has to pee,” Lyra snickered.
“But... like I said before despite all the jobs I’ve ever had I always find myself coming back to voice acting, it’s my calling.” Bon Bon continued ignoring Lyra’s teasing. “Aaahhhh if only my parents knew who I’d grow up to be. Going from job to job, shacked up with a Unicorn, not taking over the family business... speaking of my mom and dad, they still try to convince me that my cutie mark does represent candy and that I should give up my dream to work for them... they’ll never change.”
“Wow...torn-- torn between your family and their incredible wealth and living a life of financial uncertainty for the one you love and the career you love... this is some HBO level shit we got goin on here!” Jon jested not knowing that Equestria didn’t get HBO. “How bout you Lyra?”
At this point hearing her name made her jump as she was too busy admiring her girlfriend to be paying any kind of attention.
“Huh, wh-what about me?” Lyra said.
“What’s your special talent? Let me guess your cutie mark meeeeaaaans... that yooooou... are into space travel!” Jon stated in a overly dramatic tone. “Because ‘lyra’ is a constellation and you have... dreams to go into space to map out the heavens and discover... new alien life on other planets and to see where and when our ever expanding universe ends in a life long attempt to unravel the mysterious the that dark voice we know as space!”
Unsure of where to go from here Lyra just looked at her cutie mark and found herself thinking of a proper way to respond. In truth she never really thought about any of the things that Jon had said and was mostly confused about how anyone could misconstrue her identify.
Nevertheless she answered earnestly.
“Uuuuh, no... nothing like that.” Lyra shrugged. “I just like playing the Lyre.”
During his bout of wild assumption Jon had posed himself in a dramatic pose like he was trying to reach for the stars and now found himself feeling stupid as he was now forced to lower his arms to a chorus of audience members now laughing at him.
“You mean... that tiny harp like instrument.” Jon asked.
“Yep... why do you think my name is Lyra.” She asked which made Jon just slap his forehead, now feeling even more stupid.
“Uh yeah, you’re... nevermind.” Jon grumpled as he rubbed that same palm down his face. “Okay so... you’d think playing a string based instrument would be easier if you had fingers.”
The mere mention made Lyra’s eyes light up and a smile appear on her face with the exact opposite effect being applies to Bon Bon who sunked in her seat and punched her eyes shut with her hoof.
“Oh lord, here we go.” Bon Bon moaned. Jon was momentarily distracted by his Earthpony guests verbal discomfort to the point where he missed a now starey eyes Lyra jumping up on the table, neck stretch out like she was about to headbutt him.
“I KNOW RIGHT!” She yelled which made Jon flinch so violently the mic on his collar picked up the sound. “I’ve always said that if I had... t-those things I’d be a way better musician than I am now.”
“Those things?” Jon echoed as he slowly looked at his palm to flex his digits. “Y-you mean... fiiiingers?”
“YEAH THOSE!” Lyra exclaimed. “Oh, oh do a hand trick!”
“Uh... what?” Jon said.
“Do a trick with your... what’chu called them... finger!” Lyra elaborated.
“A hand trick huh? Well I would but this is cable television I might get in trouble.” Jon teased, the lewdness of the joke going right over Lyra’s head. “Uuuum... okay, okay how bout this.”
Stretching his hand out like he was admiring his nails Jon began to move his fingers to the side occasionally from doing the Star trek hand gesture and moving his pinkie finger in conjunction with with pointer finger. All in all doing nothing more than finger stretches but for Lyra it was absolutely captivating.
“That’s... that’s so cool!” Lyra complimented while Bon Bon failed to see anything particularly interesting about it. “Must be great having those things.”
“Yeah nothing says ‘I’m on top of the evolutionary food chain’ quite like opening a jar of pickles in the morning.” Jon responded as he made motions with his hand like he was groping a stress ball. Lyra in particular took notice of this.
“That’s so cool... I mean the way you can just... like do that and stuff is... like... wow.” Lyra commented as she followed Jon’s hand as he started to wave back and forth to see if she would move her head in time.
“You wouldn't happen to have used that hallucinogenic spell on yourself now would you?” Jon asked. “Because I more or less had this exact same conversation back in the 80’s when I first experimented with with pot.”
Rather than commenting Lyra just continued to to gawk at Jon’s appendage like a cat ready to pounce on a chew toy.
‘
“Don’t mind her Jon she has a serious case of manus envy.” Bon Bon commented.
“A case of what now?” Jon asked.
“Manus envy.” Bon Bon reiterated. “She’s jealous that she doesn’t have hands.”
“Well who wouldn't! I mean look at those things! Can you imagine the glorious things one could do with those!?” Lyra asked to no particular person. but rather into the ether. “It’s like that smug pile of scales, Spike! Walking around holding things, pointing, and writing stuff down like he owns the place!”
“Yeah!” Jon exclaimed for the sake of encouraging her. “Who does he think he is!?”
“That’s right!” Lyra said having her foam finger. “Why if If I had hands I’d be twice the mare I am today!”
“Maybe then you’d actually pick up your trash from off the floor once in awhile.” Bon Bon added which made the audience chuckle, with Lyra trying her hardest to ignore her.
“Also if Spike’s watching... I should say my personal friend Jon here has you beat!” Lyra said.
“How so?” Jon asked.
“It’s simple math... spike only has four fingers.” Lyra explained. “But you Jon... you have five.” He didn’t need to but out of habit Jon looked at his hand to confirm what she was saying was true as well as tried to recall if her claims about spike were correct as well. He couldn’t recall off hand but he took her word on it and suddily found it creepy that she kept track of such things.
“Hm... I guess that does mean I win.” Jon said. “Fun fact... did you know there are some humans with six fingers.”
In shock Lyra gasped and brought both her hooves to her face, accidently whacking her mate Bon Bon upside her head with the end of her novelty finger. In fact her foam mitts almost completely covered her face but Jon could still see a pair of eyes so wide that he could almost see his reflection.
“No way.” Lyra said in muffled voice. “The legends are true!?”
“Indeed they are... in fact there are piano songs... that can only be placed by a pianist with six fingers.” Jon added. “With extra digits they have more dexterity and an edge over everyone else.”
“That’s... incredible.” Lyra said, looking like she was on the verge of crying.
“You know... it’s-- why are you so fixated on this again?” Jon wanted to know.
“Well just... just think of the possibilities!” Lyra said in a tone that conveyed that she was shocked Jon would even ask such a thing. “I’d be way better at playing the Lyre if I had those bad boys.”
“Right... but you’re a Unicorn.” Jon stated. “Couldn't you just... I don’t know... concentrate your magic to help you... do whatever.”
“That wouldn't work so well.” Bon Bon interjected since she knew Lyra wouldn't answer this particular question with any degree of truth. “Lyra isn’t that skilled with magic because she has a hard time concentrating on a single thing.”
“Hey that’s not true!” Lyra said. “If I wanted to I cou--” Before she could continue Lyra was cut off by the sight of Bon Bon throwing something small and spherical over her shoulder where it bounced away into some obscure corner never to be seen again.
This caught Jon’s attention for a second but he quickly went back to looking at his guests only to see Bon Bon in the same position as before but Lyra looking off in the direction of the tossed item. Confused as to what it was and why her mate did what she did, the answer to the latter being to show how easily distracted her Unicorn girlfriend was.
“See what I mean.” Bon Bon asked which made Jon laugh so hard it brought Lyra back from the dead.
“What’s so funny?” Lyra asked, which made Jon laugh harder. Catching his breath Jon quickly changed gears before his Unicorn friend could catch on to what just happened.
“Okay so... okay so let me get this straight... you’re a Unicorn musician... but you don’t use magic when you perform?” Jon asked.
“Well... not traditionally no.” Lyra said. “I used my magic to hold up my instrument but the physical act of working the strings I do by hoof... it’s challenging but I can get the job done.”
“So... uh, so is Lyra right? Is the reason you don’t use your magic more... uh, let’s say more-- in a more productive manner is because of your lack of focus?” Jon asked.
“Not really it’s just... it’s just that every Unicorn and their grandma uses magic to perform. I just want to be different.” Lyra answered. “That’s why I like you humans so much... you’re sooooo different!”
“Thank you?” Jon said.
“No, I’m serious!” Lyra assured him. “That’s why growing up I always had a fascination with your kind! Because human folklore was like nothing I had ever seen before.”
“She says she had a fascination but really she was obsessed.” Bon Bon added with Lyra not objecting this time around because even she knew that was true. “When she was a filly her grandma would tell her ghost stories about the strange creature known as the human and she couldn’t stop talking about them.”
“Well I’m sorry but those stories were so... just so interesting!” Lyra continued. “There was very little knowledge about what humans were like other than vague descriptions so to me they were always... so mysterious and cool!
“As a former swinger I can confirm that nothing will get you laid faster than being mysterious and cool.” Jon added.
“Did you know that for her first year in highschool she tried walking around on her hind legs instead of on all fours?” Bon Bon revealed. “As a friend I convinced her to stop.”
“How’chu get her to do that?” Jon asked.
“By telling her that she needed to grow up and stop believing in pointless... fairy tales.” Bon Bon answered now realizing how this made her look by comparison.
“Which reminds me.” Lyra sneered as she slowly turned her chair to face her mate. At first she said nothing but instead opted to stare at her friend with a grin on her face that looked like she was saving for a special occasion. “Who was right all along?”
“You were.” Bon Bon said.
“I can’t heeeeeaaar you!” Lyra said in singers tone as she leaned in to bury her nose into her mate’s face.
“I said... you were.” Bon Bon repeated after an embarrassed cough.
“Who always said that humans existed even though everypony said she was crazy?” Lyra asked.
“You did.” Bon Bon answered.
“And who never stopped believing even though her best friend said it wasn’t healthy to believe in old mare’s tales?” Lyra sked.
“You did.” Bon Bon answered again.
“And who is a big smelly butt who now realized that growing up is totally overrated and will go home later tonight to bake me a cake?” Lyra asked.
“You’re pushing it.” Bon Bon stated which made Lyra latch on to her like she was afraid she would fall down.
“I SAID WHO IS A BIG SMELLY BUTT WHO NOW--” Lyra began before being cut off.
“Okay, fine, it’s me, it’s me!” Bon Bon forfeited. “I’ll make you a cake!”
“Aaaaaaand.” Lyra said as the crowd chuckled.
“And I’m a big smelly butt.” Bon Bon grumpled, prompting the audience to cheer and give a round of applause to try and make her feel better but Lyra took to as evidence that she won, as evident by her dancing a victory dance most sweet.
“Were humans really thought of as... a-as just this thing to obscure mythology back in your world?” Jon asked.
“Yes... yes you were.” Bon Bon said as Lyra continued her dance. “Everyone just assumed that the humans in legend and on television were just fakes... like overly creative animation or just what have you... but it was only when Celestia made contact with you did we all realize that humans were in fact real.”
“And ever since then I have been systematically tracking down everyone who made fun of me in highschool and stapling this on their front door!” Lyra said slapping a piece of paper on Jon’s desk. When he reached out to grab it he angled it so both he and the nearest camera could get a good shot of it.
It was a picture of Lyra’s grinning face with the phrase “I told you so” smeared overheard in blazing green letters.
“Um... exactly...” Jon tried to say but found it difficult with short bursts of chuckles escaping his mouth everytime he tried to speak. “Exactly how many of these do you ha--”
“Hundreds.” Lyra answered before turning to Bon Bon. “Speaking of which... again who was right?”
“You were right.” Bon Bon sighed.
“Who was right?” Lyra asked.
“You were right.” Bon Bon answered again in a now annoyed tone.
“Who was right?” Lyra asked.
“You were right!” Bon Bon answered in a louder tone.
“Who was right!?” Lyra asked.
“YOU WERE RIGHT!” Bon Bon yelled, her face a full shade of crimson red.
“And now that that’s settled It’s time for my ultimate display of rightness!” Lyra announced. “Since I’m here on your show, live in front of millions, I will now dance the ‘I-told-you-so dance!’”
Standing up in her chair Lyra was greeted prematurely by the audience cheering her one even before she could start moving her hips. Bon Bon herself had seen this dance a few times before and was quick to stop her before things got out of hand.
“Oh no you will not!” Bon Bon urged yanking her paramour back down which made half the audience laugh and the other boo. “Last time you almost broke your leg!”
Disappointed Lyra scrunched her nose in protest.
“That’s because that was the old version which incorporated backflips and combat rolls.” Lyra countered. “This new jig is flip free and even has a part where I blow fire out my--”
“If we could get back to the interview at hand!” Jon interrupted. “I’d like it if you told me more about your experience with trying to promote your belief of human existence.”
Truth be told he actually wanted to move on from this particular topic but it was the first one he could think off to get the quirky couple to stop bickering with each other.
“Since you’ve uh... sin-sin-since you’ve been obsessed with humans all your life... have-- I mean even since before we were revealed to be real.” Jon added. “Since you’ve always had a thing for humans are you now the leading expert on us back home or... or something?”
“Sadly... no.” Lyra said while sporting a look of defeat which made a sympathetic crowd verbalize a collective awww. “Even though I’ve gotten all my knowledge about humans from old books and TV shows they still won’t give me a degree in humanology.”
“Is that even a thing?” Jon asked.
“Hmmm uh.” Lyra shrugged. “It should be.”
“It totally should, and we can print your degree on the back of this.” Jon said returning her gloating face filled handout. Lyra would have agreed to this but the crowd was already cheering at the idea, and Jon had no patience to wait for them to settle down before continuing. “So who is the leading expert on humans in Equestria?”
“That would be Celestia.” Bon Bon answered.
“Sounds about right.” Jon stated. “I mean she’s never been here but she was the one who brought our worlds together.”
“Yeah well she won’t be top pony for long!” Lyra said. “Cause I’m gonna dethrone her!”
“Uh...You may want to think about rewording that last comment.” Jon advised, his face the picture of forced fear and Bon Bon shaking her head.
“What? All I’m saying is that come this time next year I’m gonna be the leading expert on humans! You just wait and see!” Lyra proudly announced. “As a matter of fact I’ve been some extensive research on your people in preperation for my debut tonight!”
“It’s true.” Bon Bon added. “She was up all last night cramming for this segment.”
Jon didn’t want to sound overly negative but he felt like he needed to point out the obvious.
“No offense... but uh, seeing as how you guys didn’t even think we... even existed for the longest time I don’t think you’ll learn much about us over in Equestria.” Jon commented.
“Oh no, no I’ve actually been doing research on humans from actual human textbooks and documents!” Lyra said. “Made by humans... for humans!”
“Really? Where did you get something like that?” Jon asked only to have the Earthpony better half to answer.
“Remember how you had Twilight on your show a few months back?” Bon Bon asked.
“Yeeees?” Jon answered. “What does that... Ooooooh I get it.”
“Yeah remember!? Before she left that huge nerd brought with her a whole heap of books from your world!” Lyra reminded. “Seriously she like... brought back a library's worth!”
“That’s... tha-tha-that’s right, I remember.” Jon said. “She wanted to study us on a more intellectual level so she... so she took a wide variety of textbooks and such.”
“Yep and when I heard that I’d be on your show I rushed over to her house and grabbed as many books about human culture I could find!” Lyra proudly announced. “Granted she wasn’t home at the time but I left a note.”
“Well that’s... nice of you?” Jon said. “So did-- what did you end up learning.”
“Weeeeell... not that much.” Lyra regretfully admitted. “I was in a hurry so I could only grab a few but I did learn a lot about your kingdom and habits... OH, OH, OH I even learned a lot about you!”
“Moi?” Jon said.
“Yep!” She answered proudly while breathing on her hoof to wipe against her chest. “I’ve done some research on you.”
“If it’s about that arrest record when I was 17 what I did was technically legal at the time.” Jon joked which made Lyra laugh but had Bon Bon wondering if what she was hinting at was true or not.
“No silly nothing like that but more... actually, shall I just give a demonstration?” Lyra asked.
“By all means!” Jon said over the roar of the crowd who encouraged her to demonstrate her new found knowledge.
“Okay okay check me out and my big brain!” Lyra said with a quick shake of her head as if to throw off unseen cobwebs. “Okay... you’re name is John Stewart!”
“So far so good.” Jon nodded as the crowd laughed.
“You’ve been active in the media for several decades now where you’ve won numerous awards for your exploits.” Lyra continued.
“Oh now you're just flattering me!” Jon joked with a dismissive wave of his hand.
“You were born in Detroit, Michigan where you studied to be an architect.” Lyra went on to say.
“I-- wait... what?” Jon asked perplexingly as both he and Bon Bon shot the still citing Unicorn with odd looks. “N-no I wasn’t I was born in--”
“Later in life you attended U.S. Marine Corps and was later selected to be apart of the Guardians.” Lyra continued.
“The what!?” Jon asked. “Lyra I... I-I’ve never... I’ve rarely even get selected for jury duty let alone serve in any branch of the military!”
“Sure you have, the encyclopedia said so!” Lyra corrected. “I know everything about you! Like how your best friends are: Diana Prince, Jay Garrick, John Jones, Bruce Wayne, and Clark Kent.”
Some of the more knowledgeable fans in the audience knew what was going on long before others. Jon himself was cemented in his confusion till he heard the last few names. Suddenly it was all becoming clear to him.
“Lyra... where exactly are you getting this information?” Jon asked.
“From this book!” Lyra answered, using her magic to fish out a large heavy set book from her bag. It seemed to have been missing it’s cover jacket but there was still a clear tittle on the front. “Everything about you in here in this book! It has everything like your past affiliations like the Justice League, Guardians of the Universe, Darkstars, and Indigo Tribe to your last notable alias ‘the Master Builder’. But I think this picture of you is outdated... sucks you lost that great tan but hey, at least you grew your hair back.”
Slowly Jon turned to look at the audience who was still laughing, with Bon Bon straining her neck to get a good look Lyra’s book. It took him awhile but Jon now knew what the confusion was, he just had a hard time believing anyone could make such a mistake.
“Uuuu, Lyra?” Jon said leaning forward and motioning with his finger for her to come closer. “Let me see that book.”
“Oh, sure thing.” She stated, using her magic to safely transport the reading material to his hand.
It took the slightly confused host a mere few seconds to now confirm his suspicions. He saw familiar phrases like “flashpoint” and “Cosmic Odyssey” being thrown around which in turn prompted him to close the book, slide it back to his guest, and cover his face with both his hands like he was about to cry. The sight alone was enough to get the audience to laugh even harder than before.
“Lyra.” Jon began before setting down his hands so it would be easier to hear him. “You... god-- y-ou seemed to have confused me, Jon Stewart the comedian... with John Stewart the Green Lantern.”
Now it was Lyra who looked unsure of herself as the crowd laughed at her general direction. To see what the two were talking about Bon Bon reached for the book to try and find the passage previously held by her mate.
“What?” Lyra said. “Aren’t... aren’t you a member of the Green Lantern core?”
“No.” Jon answered.
“Wait... so you’re not a member of the Justice league then?” She asked.
“No.” Jon repeated.
“So... wait there are two John Stewarts in this world?” Lyra inquiry continued. “Is that even possible
“Of course it is.” Jon answered truthfully. “I don’t know how many there are in world but this one ain’t no super hero.”
“But... b-but you DO know Superman, Batman, Wonderwoman, and all the rest right?”
“I know of them.” Jon corrected.
“But not personally?” Lyra added which made both Jon and Bon Bon whack themselves across the forehead in response.
“Lyra... those people... don’t exist.” Jon finally said “They’re fictional characters from comic books a-and movies... they’re not real.
Even though this needed to be said Jon still felt a bit off for saying such things. No doubt he remembered when he had to tell his own kids that Santa wasn’t real so to have to tell this star eyed unicorn that such fanciful humans didn’t actually exist made Jon feel like that bad guy. But unsurprisingly Lyra wasn’t so quick to accept this.
“HA! nice try Jon!” Lyra blurted out with a forced laugh. “I’m not falling for that again.”
“W-what do you mean?” Jon asked.
“She doesn't believe you.” Bon Bon interjected as a smug looking Lyra took back her book. “This is the same as when I sat her down to tell her that humans didn’t exist.”
“Itoldyouso!” Lyra sneezed. “Scuze me.”
“See what I mean?” Bon Bon.
“Yep and look where we are now!” Lyra said while making a sweeping motion with her hoof. “They always told me I was crazy with my believing in humans well who's laughing now!?”
To answer her question the audience responded by chuckling at her whimsical form of smugness for the situation.
“Lyra, think for a second here!” Bon Bon said. “Why would Jon here lie to you like that!?”
“It’s true! Lyra you need to understand... this time it’s different!” Jon implored. “Heroes don’t... or rather heroes do exist today in as everyday hard working citizens. Like firemen, policemen, volunteers, politici... policemen. But.. uh, but when it comes to super powers and costumed vigilantes I’m afraid that’s just fiction... a-a-and make believe.”
“That’s right!” Bon Bon added while making motions towards the book. “This is obviously just works of art! Why else would humans dress like that?”
As harsh as his words were to hear from both parties Lyra still wasn’t buying it.
“Hmmmmmm NOPE! Still don’t believe you two!” Lyra refused to admit. “If superheroes don’t exist then who protects you from Lex Luthor, the joker, and all those other bad guys.”
“Well... those guys don’t exist either.” Jon shrugged. “It’s all made up.”
“What! I... HA! You almost got me there Stewart!” Lyra nudged. “If this book is fiction why did your government print it for everypony to see.”
“Huh? What makes you think the government printed this?” Jon asked.
“Duh! Read the title!” Lyra said as she turned the book around. “‘The DC Comics Encyclopedia.’ It was printed at your nation's capital! What’s more legit than that!?”
Like before it took Jon awhile to understand her train of logic but now he was starting to see how, to someone with only borderline knowledge of human life, could get confused about something like this.
“Ooookaay I see what’s going on here.” Jon said. “Lyra.. DC Comics and Washington DC are two... completely different entities. They have nothing to do with each other. One stands for 'Detective Comics' and the other stands for 'District of Columbia'” Against her attempt to not give in Lyra was slowly starting to come around.
“W-what?” She said. “Your’re... you guys are being serious aren’t you?”
“Yes! Of course we’re serious!” Both Jon and Bon Bon tried to get her to realize.
“But... but how can that be!?” She asked. “In addition to studying about you I also did some research on this country since it’s my first time here.”
“Oh boy.” Jon said at the prospect of Lyra looking up American history. “And uh... w-w-what did you find?”
“Well according to human literature Superman, who you say is not real, helped in exploring this country around the time it was first discovered!” Lyra claimed. “He went around documenting what he saw in the wild.”
“What!?” Jon blurted. “N...no he didn’t!
“Did too!” Lyra argued.
“Even if Superman was real, which he isn’t!” Jon tactfully reminded. “That would still make no sense because he came from Krypton and landed on Earth during modern times... canonically speaking America is far older than Superman.”
The audience chuckled at Jon’s inner nerd coming to the floor.
“But... but I read that Lois and Clark were the first to do an expedition across the western portion of the United States!” Lyra challenged. “It’s thanks to Superman and his girlfriend mapping out this country that the government could expand into new territory.”
Jon didn’t even need to think about this one.
“You’re thinking of Lewis and Clark!” Jon corrected. “Lewis and Clark explored North America not Lois Lane and Clark Kent! You're getting the names mixed up again.”
Lyra looked absolutely shocked to hear that her meticulous and well researched information was starting to backfire on her. To her it all made sense with each piece of the puzzle fitting perfectly but Jon was sworn to prove her wrong. She was once again starting to sink back in denial.
“Okay... you’re messing with me right? Lyra asked. “I mean... there’s no way this can all just be a case of mistaken identity, I spent hours reading this stuff!”
“Sorry Lyra.” Jon shrugged. “I don’t know what else to tell ya.”
“This... this can’t be!” Lyra groaned. “Next thing ya know you’re going to tell me your 20th president wasn’t a talking cat.”
“Excuse me?” Jon said with narroed eyebrows.
“You know... James Garfield?” Lyra explained.
From her end Lyra thought she was talking about a most serious of topics, one’s own past leaders was a hallowed subject to discuss. To this end she was surprised that the audience was now laughing with Jon running his hands through his hair in frustration.
“Oh my... Lyra! You’re thinking of Garfield the newspaper comic by Jim Davis!” Jon blurted out. “He... that’s also a comic that’s not real... there’s no such thing as talking cats.”
"Our world doesn't even have talking cats Lyra!" Bon Bon added.
At this point Lyra looked defeated she she slumped in her chair with her mate close by for emotional support as she gently patted the top of her head. She was slowly starting to realize how wrong she was.
“So... these comics really aren’t all true.” Lyra said unbelievingly. “B-but wait! What about your best friend!?”
“M-my best friend?” Jon asked.
“The human who has his own show! The one with the really poofy red hair!?” She explained.
“You... you mean Conan?” Jon answered almost immediately.
“Yeah Conan o’Brien!” Lyra now remembered. “He’s your best friend and he’s a superhero! He’s the flaming C!”
It would seem that in her desperate attempt to keep this fantasy world of hers alive Lyra was starting to get into some obscure level references. Jon however knew what she was talking about since it involved another talk show host of the same caliber.
“Okay a few things about what you just said. One: I’m all for team CoCo and... and all, but he is far from my best friend, Conan if you’re watching this no offense. Second between this... a-a-and revealing to the world who the Justice league is... I-I mean, if they were real you just revealed everyone’s secret Identities which is very irresponsible.” Jon listed which made Bon Bon nod her head in agreement. “And lastly the Flaming C is just a fun little character that Comic book legend Bruce Time made for him for his show since they’re both on the Warner Bros lot.”
“So... he’s not really a superhero either!” Lyra said in hurt filled tone.
“I’m afraid not but you did just gave me a great idea for a sitcom! It’s a series where talk show hosts and other comedians are secretly superheroes by night!” Jon exclaimed. “I can see it now! Older comedians like uh... George Carlin, Billy Crystal, Richard Pryor, Lenny Bruce, and Woody Allen can be like the classic heroes from the golden age of comics and newer ones like myself, Colbert, and Steve Carell are the ones for the new generation.”
Most of the names were so dated that it flew over the heads of some audience members and left his two guests confused as to whether or not he was being serious.
“Pilot episode: Johnny Carson has to decide whether to give his power to either David Letterman or Jay Leno and they become mortal enemies. Then in the second season Leno and Conan battle it out.” Jon continued. “Oh, oh, oh, and then we’ll have Dan Cook be one of the main antagonists, only instead of jokes his ability will be stealing other character’s powers.”
His jesting was doing very little to help Lyra ease her way into realizing that she was wrong all along, in fact between this monologue and the name dropping it seemed to only make her more confused.. He noticed this and decided to state the obvious.
“Lyra... Lyra look at me... I’m just joking.” Jon assured her. “Seriously we’re not superheroes.”
“But I don’t... a-are you sure.” Lyra asked.
“Lyra I’m sorry but, listen. To. Me!” Jon urged. “I’m not the Green Lantern, Super heroes don’t exist, Lewis and Clark weren’t comic book characters, a cat was never a US President, and Conan O’Brian does not have super powers.”
The surprised Unicorn took a second to take this all in. Looking down at her book she then turned to face her mate who was giving her a reassuring smile. From there she looked at the audience then back at Jon with a face like she was maybe starting to understand.
“And... a-and you’re sure the green Lantern core has never tried to contact you?” She asked out of desperation.
“THERE IS NO GREEN LANTERN CORE!” Jon said in a tone so firm that it made his guest bury her face into the very book that deceived her. He thought about reaching over to comfortingly rub her head in the same way Bon Bon was tending to her by rubbing her back but before he could even think about motioning to her Lyra shot her head up to address Jon one last time on the issue.
“Just... just answer one last question.” She said.
“Sure, anything.” Jon responded as Lyra slowly produced yet another book from her satchel, a book that depicted America’s 16th president holding an axe in front of a bloodied up wall.
“Was Abraham Lincoln really going around killing vampires?” Lyra asked. The crowds laughter was an early hint that she was once again mistaken, but Jon decided to give pity on this small animal.
“Lyra.” Jon began. “He was the greatest vampire hunter this world ever saw.” Playing along the audience began to applaud and hollar which for Lyra meant that Jon was telling the truth with Bon Bon seeing through his scheme and allowing it to progress uninterrupted.
But even though Lyra now seemed slightly less devastated than before Jon still felt a bit guilty for the way he was forced into dealing with her misunderstanding of human culture. He made it a point to not try and systematically destroy the hopes and dreams of those who came on his show so as a form of penance he decided to help Lyra feel better by giving her something that he was planning on presenting backstage after the interview.
“Look Lyra I uh... I realize this way not-- this wasn’t the best way to break... all this to ya so to show I’m sorry how about I give you a little... let’s say present.” Jon hinted.
“A present!” Lyra gasped. “I get a present!?”
Quickly as to not eat up any more time Jon reached under his desk as he often did during his first two segments. Lyra was a huge fan of the Daily Show and always loved it when Jon did this as she never knew was wondrous things he would produce. And now that he was on the receiving end of this she could hardly contain her excitement.
“Consider it... a gift from the human species.” Jon said as he produced a book and gently handed it over to Lyra who immediately used her magic to bring it closer to her face. Unable to break eye contact with Jon Lyra had to force herself to look down at the hardbound bit of text. At first she was confused as to what it was but was quickly gasping with delight at the front cover which consisted of Jon Stewart himself sitting at a desk next to a monkey.
What got the young Unicorn overly exciting and bouncing in her chair wasn’t so much the imagery itself but that the title of the book was. Blazed in giant letters the textbook read “Earth: A visitors guide to the human race.” If Lyra was right in her assumptions than what she was now holding was in fact everything she ever wanted or could want to know about humans. In hindsight Jon regretted not telling her that it was satirical in nature and not at all serious.
“I... I love it!” Lyra squealed as she hastily turned to the first page eager to learn.
When she did the first thing she noticed was the first chapter entitled “To our alien readers” but on the page just before it was a blank except for some fresh scribbles that when read out said:
“To my number one fan Lyra. Thanks for always believing in the human race. - Jon Stewart.”
“Jon that was really nice of you.” Bon Bon said on Lyra’s behalf who was now completely speechless but showed her gratitude by hugging the book as if it were Jon. “Thank you very much.”
“It’s no problem really.” Jon said. “In fact this works out well because we--”
“OH MY GOD THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!” Lyra screamed causing Bon Bon to fall on the ground and Jon to recoil like someone just tried to shoot at him. “This is the best present I’ve ever had in the entire history of forever! I am SO going to read this right now!”
Without a second thought Lyra quickly opened her book and turned to page after page so violently that Jon was scared that she rip one out. Eventually she stopped at a random passage and read the first thing she saw.
“Oh my god!” Lyra gasped as Bon Bon reclaimed her seat. “Bon Bon, Bon Bon, looky here! Did you know that, according to this book, the humans invented forensic science because it was impossible to commit a crime without leaving behind cop-i-ous amounts of semen!? Or, or, or that the ‘Take-a-penny’ tray is the ultimate form of charity because pennies are worthless!?”
Both Jon and Bon Bon stayed in silence, both in awe of how gullible Lyra was and because the crowd was once again filling the room with their cheers. Jon waited till it all died down before continued as he turned to face Bon Bon.
“So you’re a voice actress huh, that must be great!” Jon said which caused the crowd to laugh. “But listen... uuuuh, it was great having you two on the show, I really enjoyed having you here... and for the first time since the attack... Lyra it was great to finally get to know the real you and Bon Bon I now feel safe sending her back home knowing she has you to look after her.”
“Again thank you very much for having us.” Bon Bon said.
“Yeah, yeah, what she said.” Lyra added too engrossed in her gift to realize what was going on.
“We hope to see you on the show again sometime.” Jon continued, grabbing Bon Bon’s hoof for a quick shake before turning to the audience. “Lyra and Bon Bon everyone, we’ll be right back!”
Jumping to their feet the crowd gave a round of applause and began to cheer even louder than they ever did, as if they were holding back till this very moment. The normal stock music that accompanies the show placed while Jon stood and waved his hands at his two guests to bundle in close so he could talk to them.
Because the crowd was so loud Jon was forced to lean forward in order to whisper something into Bon Bon’s ear with Lyra looking as if she was listening too but in actuality was still reading her book, now on a chapter about human entertainment.
The usual title of the show swooped in on screen, from the point of view of those watching via their televisions, and quickly enveloped the screen leaving only a temporarily black screen which faded back into another commercial break, where it would not return till the moment of zen segment.