Dear Twilight Sparkle:
First of all, please lead me to this "Featherweight" so that I may give him a one-way ticket to the moon.
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I need to ask you why ponies even bother printing newspaper. I mean, it’s quite obvious that nopony knows who you and your friends are even after you rescued Equestria twice. Given how everypony is clearly oblivious to the horrific threats that lurk all around them, it’s pretty obvious that nopony ever bothers to read anything. I mean, they’re not even that expensive, so it’s not like anypony can’t afford to learn anything. Maybe if we had some sort of device that could connect with others across vast distances to receive instant news updates, ponies would start to learn about what happens in the world?
…Nah. If I had one of those devices, I’d just use it to send immature insults to everypony I know. And I have a feeling everypony else would too.
Anyway, it sounds like a brilliant machine! I mean, we would all be hidden from sight, so we could be huge assholes to everypony else without any fear of retribution! And we could write stupid stories about our favorite shows and stuff! Heck, we could even receive all sorts of erotic materials without anypony ever knowing what we did behind our closed doors!
...Actually, I must leave you now. I need to find Applejack’s long-lost unicorn cousin, Apple Jobs, and convince him to create such a marvelous device. Along with a whole bunch of other mind-controlling labor-saving devices for everypony in Equestria.
Your Forum-loving former teacher, Princess Celestia.
P.S.: Those three blank flanks sound like they’re gonna get in some deep shit. Oh well, sucks to be them.